Apollo’s Tattoo Now that we are quashing the eee-vil death rumour [insert innocent expression of disbelief here] and establishing that VSBSGverse Brie and Giles are actually very much alive, can we start spreading the new rumour that Brie is actually Baltar's illegitimate daughter from his affair with...? ;) Carla ---------------- I could see Baltar having more than one illegitimate child around from the way his and Ayesha's relationship was portrayed in the VS. More of a business partnership, than a loving relationship on any deep emotional level. And Baltar is such a charming egomaniac, a little philandering on the side would be almost predictable. Brie's mother... the innocent, wide-eyed, shy beauty who works in Baltar's office. That Touch of Mink mixes with BSG. Lisa ---------------- I thought the VS had eee-vil Baltar dumping an unnamed second wife for Ayesha and that Ayesha and Baltar hadn't "strayed" (Somewhere I remember reading she had him investigated) during their association. Last I looked, the VS was setting up something in this area... If Brie is doomed to be his daughter, couldn't she at least be legitimate from the first or second marriage? Eugenia ---------------- I forgot about Baltar's second wife, or is that first wife? I'm confused. What was Brie's mother's name? Feta? Maybe Brie takes genetic testing for some reason, somebody on the orphan ship needs a transplant or something, and the intitial hemotyping and iris cone count puts her within several generations of Baltar. Will Brie be unable to be perky when she finds out the truth? Will Baltar get her a Barbie Dream Viper for her birthday? Grist for the rumour mill: I heard Brie's mom was Adama's wife's third cousin on her father's side. Adama and Ila never forgave Baltar for breaking her heart, but they never knew about Brie, and lost track of her mother, who remarried to a flower shop owner from Caprica City. His name was Gouda. More grist for the rumour mill: I heard Apollo has a tattoo from a furlon Starbuck and Boomer took him on when he got promoted to Captain. Only Sheba knows the truth. Carla ---------------- > More grist for the rumour mill: I heard Apollo has a tattoo from a furlon Starbuck and Boomer took him on when he got promoted to Captain. Only Sheba knows the truth.< Inquiry minds wanna know. Giles: "I want to know." Greenbean: "I want to know." Diedra: "I want to know too." Adama: "Now, I really must know." The Colonial Inquiry - Don't leave home without it. We now return you to your regular IFB Gossip, err snooze news. Robert ---------------- "Take cover!" a muffled voice commanded our heroes, who were trapped in a very dire way, in a very small space, with no turbo-flush or smokes. The boys dove under a nearby piece of rubble as a large hole was blasted into the bulkhead in a shower of dust and debris. The boys slowly peered over the edge of their shelter to see... "Brie!" Starbuck cried with agony, "Have you got a fumarello?" Brie stood before them, framed in the huge hole in the bulkhead, holding the biggest gun that they had ever seen and wrapped in ammo belts like a Kobollian mummy, several streaks of varicoloured face paint in evidence on her brow. "Sorry I'm late with the rescue, Skipper," she tossed Apollo a spare laser pistol. "I just got out of catharsis therapy over that horrible death rumour, and now I've found out that Baltar's my dad!" Carla ---------------- Brie added, "Need I remind you, I may speak softly, but I carry a big stick. A Very Big Stick!" Robert ---------------- > Inquiry minds wanna know. Starbuck: "I already know. Who do you think fed him enough grog to get the Tattoo?" Lisa ---------------- We interrupt this segment of 'IFB's Funniest Holo-images' to bring you this update on the breaking drunken tattoo story. This just in, Zeke. An unconfirmed quote from Lieutenant Boomer: "I drove the hovermobile. Starbuck has a matching tattoo on his..." Carla ---------------- Starbuck raised a hand to quiet his friend: "Hey, hey... Matching?" He chuckled at the ridiculous thought. “Mine's bigger..." He grinned widely. "Naturally." Lisa ---------------- "Hey! Isn't that Baltar over there?" Apollo cried, and pointed toward the aft bulkhead, racing away from the IFB crew with the agility of an accomplished triad player, only to collide with..." Carla ---------------- ...his Viper. He impacted it spectacularly, bouncing with a thud against the fuselage before he hit the deck. The IFB cameras followed his every move, moving in for a close up. "Now about that tattoo, Captain?" Zara asked. Lisa ---------------- "It's none of your business!" Sheba cried out, and helped Apollo to his feet, "and his tattoo is bigger than Starbuck's!" "How would you know that?" Apollo asked, as the IFB crew took another step forward as one man. "Uh, well, it's not what you think, Baby!" Sheba smiled weakly into the camera. "We pilots were all skinny dipping in the..." Carla ---------------- "You were skinny dipping with Starbuck?" Apollo hollered, turning his head in the direction of his former best friend and wingman. "Now, now, buddy. Don't be too hasty..." Starbuck held his hands up before him, taking an intelligent step backwards. "She said 'all of us pilots'." "Really?" Apollo replied, walking towards Starbuck. "I don't recall being invited." "That's funny. Starbuck assured us he invited you." Brie looked at the lieutenant wide-eyed, before turning to one of her friends. "Didn't he, Dietra?" "Yes," Dietra replied. "He also told us that he invited Boomer, Bojay, Greenbean, and Giles. Yet none of them showed up." "Now, ladies," Starbuck smiled at them weakly. "We had fun, didn't we? Ambrosa, mushies, the finest suite on the Rising Star?" Lisa ---------------- "Sheba, why do you girls let him get away with these stunts?" The Captain suddenly went pale and grabbed his wife's shoulders, "Starbuck didn't see your tattoo, did he?" "Tattoo on you, too?" Zara cried in glee as the camera framed Sheba and Apollo for the live feed to the IFB's main transmitter. Carla ---------------- Sheba tilted her chin upwards and glared at Apollo, "I can't believe you'd even ask that." Apollo glanced back at Starbuck who seemed to be squirming on the spot, with a far away look on his face. "Starbuck?" He sucked in a deep breath as he looked at first Sheba and then Apollo. "Starbuck!" Apollo growled. Sheba looked at the lieutenant beseechingly. He winced and shrugged. "Well, Sheba tripped when she was getting out of the hot tub..." He fanned his hands. "It was all very innocent." "Tripped?" Apollo snarled, lunging for his friend, and gripping the front of his tunic with white-knuckled fists. "It's on the inside of her thigh, Starbuck." "I know it doesn't sound innocent... but it was." Starbuck assured his captain with a smile. There was too much satisfaction in 'smile 389'. He should have known that. Apollo hauled off and punched him. Lisa ---------------- Two daily cycles later: Yet another slow motion replay of the IFB recording of the Galactica's Strike Leader punching his wingman was broadcast throughout the Colonial Fleet while Starbuck, Apollo and Sheba sat quietly drinking in the Officers' Club. "Thanks," Starbuck said as the barman changed out the ice bag that he was holding against his blackened eye. "Apollo, Sheba's just one of the guys to me," he smiled weakly and gestured to the bar for another round. "Well, Starbuck," Apollo said, smiling resignedly at Sheba in a 'let's make up' sort of way, "At least no-one else saw Sheba's tattoo." "Uh," Sheba laughed nervously and downed the drink the barman set in front of her, gesturing for yet another round. "Baby, now don't lose your temper. You see, it's like this..." Carla ---------------- Starbuck dropped his ice bag, waving his hands in the air to get Sheba's attention. "Don't!" Apollo looked from one to the other, groaning, "I'm not going to like this, am I?" "Starbuck, it was for a good cause. You said so yourself!" Sheba looked at him innocently. Then it hit her like a landram. "That holopic of my tattoo you took, wasn't really for a Caprican Folk Art Calendar, was it?" Starbuck shot up, his chair scraping across the floor, as he attempted to flee. He was too late. Apollo's arm reached out for him like a striking serpent, pulling him backwards, and slamming him down on the table. The captain raised his fist once again... Lisa ---------------- "Apollo, please!" Sheba cried, grabbing his fist, and pulling him back toward her, "All this male posturing has made me weak in the knees. Kiss me, you jealous fool." "She doesn't mean you, Starbuck," the Captain scowled at the puckering of Starbuck's lips, then released Starbuck to sweep Sheba into a dramatic embrace and a passionate kiss, oblivious to the sound of Starbuck's chin impacting on the deck. "Ow," Starbuck moaned as he crawled up into his chair and drained his tankard, applying the ice pack to his chin, "But what about the other copy of the tattoo picture, Sheba?" Carla ---------------- "Starbuck, if you know what's good for you," Apollo glared at Starbuck, “You'll get all copies and originals to me before rest period." "Is it a bad sign when a guy's teeth don't line up anymore?" Starbuck whined, cradling his jaw. Lisa ---------------- "Apollo," Sheba's voice took on a seductive tone, "there's only one original and I'm right here." Apollo relented and leaned to kiss her again, thinking perhaps Starbuck deserved another chance... "Hey, guys!" Giles hollered to the members of Blue and Silver Spar Squadrons who were sitting at the bar. "The new 'Female Pilots and Body Art' Calendar just came in!" Apollo froze, noted Sheba's weak smile, and turned to face Starbuck once again. "Starbuck, if my wife's inner thigh is at all visible any where in or on that calendar..." "Hey, Sheba!" Bojay called, "Your tattoo made the front cover!" Carla ---------------- Once again, Starbuck found himself firmly in Apollo's grasp, being jerked forcibly across the OC towards the 'Female Pilots and Body Art' Calendar. "It's for a good cause!" he mumbled. "Lords of Kobol, Starbuck. You took it too far this time!" Apollo spat, his eyes flashing like green lasers at the other. If looks could kill... "Let me see!" he ordered Bojay, who handed the calendar over to the Strike Captain. As stated, on the glossy front cover was a black and white tattoo of the mythical Phoenix. The creamy white background was only that, and was tastefully done. Down the right side of the main photo, was a illustration of Sheba in full battle dress. The sketch perfectly captured the sexy, yet able Colonial Warrior. He turned the calendar over to see "all proceeds being donated to the Orphan Ship for children's programs and essentials.” Apollo loosened his grip on the lieutenant, setting him down and straightening his flight jacket. "I... uh..." Starbuck shrugged indifferently. "Forget it. I already have." He rubbed his jaw once again, "I think I'll just head over to the Life Station and get Cassie to put my jaw back together." He backed away from Apollo, keeping a leery eye on him. "Starbuck, I'm really sorry. I don't know what came over me." Apollo took a step towards the other, wincing as Starbuck took three hasty steps back. "Let me go with you." "No, no! I'm fine. It's my jaw that's broken... not my ankle." He turned and beat a hasty retreat towards the door, bumping into an excited Brie on the way. "Starbuck!" She cried. "It's awesome!" "Not now, Brie. Really..." "Hey everyone! 'The Male Pilots and Body Art' Calendar is out. And Apollo's tattoo is on the front cover!" Lisa ---------------- Just when you thought it was safe to go into the Officer’s Club. Robert ---------------- Run, Starbuck! RUN!!!! Eugenia ---------------- "Skipper!" Brie giggled, "I had no idea you could do that with an illustration of a viper with turbo-thrusters firing." Apollo's face began to redden as he sat in his chair and drained his third tankard of ale. "Sheba," he said quietly. "Yes, dear?" Sheba responded. “Shall I beat the pogees out of my best friend after these calendars have circulated and been seen and touched by everyone in the Fleet, or just do it right now and get it over with?" Carla ---------------- Sheba smiled, glancing at the empty space where Starbuck had been standing. There were skid marks on the floor and a puff of smoke where once an incredibly culpable lieutenant had once stood... "Well, you're going to have to catch him first." She turned to Brie, "Let me see!" She raised the calendar up before her, giving an appreciative whistle. "My, my, Captain. I see you're at full thrust!" Lisa ---------------- Apollo buried his head in his hands as every female warrior in the bar rushed to purchase a calendar. "Skipper!" Deitra cried as she rushed to sit beside him, handing him a writing stylus, "Will you please autograph mine? Sign it right there, under the fuselage?" "Oh God," Apollo moaned, "Sheba, what will Adama and Tigh do to us when they see these holo-images?" He sighed, then turned to Deitra and asked, stylus poised, "Who do I make this out to?" Carla ---------------- "Captain Apollo and Lieutenant Sheba, report to Commander's Adama's office... ten centons ago!" "Oh, frack!" Apollo breathed as he signed his name with a flourish and handed the calendar back to Dietra. He stood up, swallowing the sudden lump in his throat. "I'm going to kill Starbuck. First I'll get my hands on him, then I'll stick his head in the turbo flush and activate the evacuator, then I'll take him to the triad court and use his mouth for practice shots..." "Come on, Apollo," Sheba took his hand gently as he continued to plan Starbuck's long and painful demise. "...then I'll strap him to the nose of my ship and..." Lisa ---------------- "I realize that the proceeds go to the orphans," Adama paced angrily back and forth in front of his son and daughter by marriage, "but couldn't you have chosen something a little less, er, revealing to do?" "They are very nice tattoos, Adama," Tigh said distractedly as he rotated the calendars in his hands, tilting his head and unconsciously making a sound like a viper thruster firing. He looked up to see Adama, Apollo and Sheba staring at him with worried expressions. "Could I get you two to autograph these for me? The IFB is doing a special report on your loose morals, as evidenced by your shameless exhibitionist flaunting of your body art, so I think these might become quite collectible. Commander, could I borrow a stylus?" "Tigh!" Adama roared, "I'm trying to set an example here." "What?" Tigh cried, "Adama, do you mean that you've told these two about the tattoos we got when we were young Lieutenants on furlon in Caprica City, before you were married?" "Father?" Apollo asked in horror. "Adama?" Sheba opened her mouth in surprise. "Tigh!" Adama tried to roar, but his words caught in his throat as his face began to redden slightly, "There's no need to go dredging up the past," the Commander laughed nervously and sat down at his desk. Suddenly, the hatchway opened and Boomer rushed in waving copies of the two calendars in his hands... Carla ---------------- "We've sold out!" Boomer gushed. "Lords, I don't know how Starbuck does it, but when he comes up with a cubit making idea for anyone's benefit except his own, it makes a fortune! We've already got orders for another three thousand calendars!" "Starbuck?" Adama asked, closing his eyes briefly. "Why didn't I guess?" "I did," admitted Tigh. He glanced at the calendar once again. "Apparently, he took all the holoptics personally for the women pilot's calendar. I didn't know he was that... talented." "He has many hidden talents." Sheba smiled brightly. "Oh, really?" Apollo blustered. "I was talking about his selflessness in raising money for the orphans," Sheba replied irritably. "Really, Apollo." "Oh..." Apollo sighed. “Then I'll fly through a squadron of Cylon Raiders and drop him off on the nearest Base Ship. They can weld him to the bow of the ship and use him as a...” Lisa ---------------- "Apollo?" Sheba snatched the copy of the Male Pilots calendar from Boomer's hand, scrutinizing the cover. "Who recorded this holo-image of your tattoo?" "Uh," the Captain tugged nervously at the yoke of his uniform tunic, "Sheba, have I ever told you how beautiful you are, standing there framed by the view port. The stars compliment your eyes and..." "Who recorded this picture, Skipper?" Sheba took a menacing step toward her husband... Suddenly, the hatchway opened and Starbuck and Bojay rushed in waving copies of the two calendars in their hands... Carla ---------------- "Uh... it looks like we came at a bad time." Starbuck screeched to a halt, leaving skid marks on Adama's floor. And a little puff of smoke. Green eyes bored into his from across the room, diluting their blueness until he could feel them turning a sea-green... "Oh, I've been looking for you, buddy!" Apollo told him, leaping across the desk that separated and grabbing the other's flight jacket. Starbuck held the calendar up in front of his face. "Not the face this time, okay? Salik says I've maxed out on my regenerations treatments for the sectar." "Captain Apollo! Attention!" Adama hollered, the tone of his voice making every warrior in the room stand alert. Lisa ---------------- "Apollo!" Adama cried, "Have you taken leave of your senses?" "Yes, Father, I have!" Apollo once more grabbed the front of his wingman's jacket, shaking him angrily. "Apollo!" Sheba cried, "It's not his fault! It was all my idea. I planned the holo-image hot-tub party and loaned Starbuck the holo-imager. I wanted to make you jealous so we could have hot make-up, er..." Sheba suddenly became conscious of Adama, Tigh, Boomer, Starbuck and Bojay all leaning forward, listening in a combination of fascination and horror, "You know," she hissed in a stage whisper. Apollo stared open mouthed at Sheba while the others began to snort with barely suppressed laughter. Carla ---------------- "What'd she say?" Starbuck asked, still hearing nothing but the sound of his brain cells rattling together. Both of them. Suddenly, Apollo stopped shaking him like a rag doll. "Oh, thank the Lords..." "I can't believe you'd do this!" Apollo dropped Starbuck who fell like a sack of spudons, and was saved further injury by Boomer throwing the assembled stack of calendars beneath him. "Thanks, Boom-Boom," Starbuck whispered. "Well, things have been a bit... staid in the bed chamber of late..." Sheba shrugged. "I was trying to think of a way to liven things up." She glanced at the cover of the male pilot's calendar beneath Starbuck's head, whipping it out for further contemplation. "Hmm." She glanced at the door, waggling her finely arched eyebrows. "What do you think?" Then her brow knitted. "I almost forgot... who exactly took the shot of your Viper?" Lisa ---------------- "I don't see the need to discuss that here and now," Apollo prayed for the Gods to allow him to sink through the floor and escape his embarrassment. "Well, I do," Sheba tossed the calendar over her shoulder, inadvertently covering Tigh's face. "Why won't you tell me who took this picture of your turbo thrusting viper?" "I'm completely innocent!" Apollo attempted to regain some composure, glancing worriedly about the room at the assembled warriors. "I was changing out of my Triad uniform when the IFB crew came rushing in and started snapping pictures. How was I to know they were in collusion with Starbuck and the orphan ship fund raisers? And what do you mean by 'staid'," he hooked his thumbs in his gun belt and waggled his own eyebrows at the door. "I beg to differ." "Oh, you'll beg for it, alright." Sheba threw herself at Apollo, slamming her lips into his. Adama ducked out of the way just microns before Apollo landed on the desktop, Sheba still kissing him. The others began to slowly make for the door. "Uh," Adama averted his eyes from the scene on his desk, "Tigh, you men, let's go and...” Carla ---------------- "You're going to let them do it on your desk?" Starbuck stared at Adama. "You're not as uptight as Apollo said." "Uh... ahem..." Adama cleared his throat, a sudden image stuck in his mind of a fiery Phoenix being chased by a Viper. "Captain! Lieutenant! Take this to your quarters. That's an order!" Without unlocking lips, Apollo gathered his wife into his arms, and carried her from the office, Tigh holding the door for them. Starbuck grinned at the others. "Don't you love happy endings?" He turned to go. "Starbuck!" Adama called after him. Starbuck paused at the threshold as Tigh chuckled at him. The Colonel headed to the Bridge. So close, and yet so far... "Sir?" "Unlike Sheba, I have a hard time believing that you're completely innocent. I'd like to go over your records for the cubits you've raised through these calendars, and how you've distributed the proceeds." "Uh... well, the records are very complex, Commander." Starbuck began, not missing the fact that Boomer was slipping through the door unobserved. "Are you insinuating that I won't understand, Lieutenant?" "Ah, no, Sir." Starbuck hastily assured him. "It's just that some of the funds have been reinvested in other ventures that will also benefit the Orphan Fund." "Well, then, let's start there." Adama suggested, waving a hand to the chair opposite him. "Well, it gets a little complicated," Starbuck stuttered. "I'll listen closely. You'll find I'm not as ignorant as I may seem, Lieutenant." "Oh, I never thought that, Commander." "Oh, yes you did, Lieutenant. Yes you did." Lisa ---------------- "Well, you see, Sir," Starbuck smiled weakly and nervously rolled an unlit fumarello between his thumb and forefinger. "I, ah, reinvested some of the funds in a project designed to showcase our senior officers and some of the Council members. Sire Domra posed for a full page shot, as did Siress Lydia. Doctor Salik provided access to various holo-images of body art that he's been collecting over the yahrens." Adama's face slowly took on a look of realization. "You don't mean..." Carla ---------------- "It's a classic piece of comedic art, Commander. Not too many flaming flight paths leading from a man's..." "Enough!" Adama shouted, jumping to his feet, barely cognizant of the fact that Bojay was now slipping out of the room. If the desk hadn't separated them, he'd be strangling Starbuck right now. "You!" He pointed a shaky finger at the young man. "Get rid of that holopic!" Starbuck seemed to sink back into the chair, apparently hoping it would swallow him whole. "Uh, it's too late, Commander. We released them a centar ago." "What?" he could feel the blood drain from his face. "You did what?" he whispered. "We've already sold five hundred copies." Starbuck told him. "And that's on the Seniors' Ship alone." "Oh, Lords..." Then it suddenly hit him. "Starbuck, didn't you ask me last secton to speak at a teanus party on the Seniors' Ship tomorrow?" "I... uh...believe I did, Sir. Yes." "Knowing full well that you would be releasing the calendar today," Adama accused him. "It's called advertising, Commander." Lisa ---------------- "Why you little," Adama rushed around the desk, barely avoiding a collision with Bojay, as the young man finally reached the hatchway and ran fearfully from the room, snatching up a copy of the Female Pilots calendar on his way out. "Commander, please!" Starbuck held his hands up in a pleading gesture, "Think of the orphans! Sir, it's a tasteful layout with Siress Tinia's Moons of Caprica following Colonel Tigh's..." "Stop!" Adama cried as he grabbed the front of Starbuck's jacket much as Apollo had, and shook the young man reflexively, "What have you done? How do you get me into these messes? What is the matter with you? How can I possibly write an appropriate speech for tomorrow's gathering? We'll need to fabricate an alert," Adama stopped Starbuck's motion and leaned forward with the germination of a strategic plan evident in his expression. "We're going to create a diversion tomorrow in order to appropriate and destroy every copy of that calendar. Do I make myself clear, Lieutenant?" "Yes, Sir," Starbuck squawked in a strangled tone, then fell to the floor as Adama released his ferron grip on the young man's jacket. "Commander," Omega's voice came over the intership communication system relay, "There's an urgent call for you from the Senior Ship. Shall I patch it through to your office, Sir?" "Yes, Omega. Go Ahead." Adama stared stonily at Starbuck with look of decisive malice, as a giggling female voice emanated from the communication panel... Carla ---------------- "Adama!" Siress Belloby gushed and gooed, batting her eyelashes at the Commander. "I absolutely love it! It's so... not you!" "Belloby..." Adama whimpered. "Now, where is it? You tell Starbuck I want in on his betting pool. I'm placing three thousand cubits on your astrum, sweetcakes." "Betting pool?" Adama roared looking across his desk at Starbuck. He focused his intense gaze on the squirming young man, and the lieutenant's chair tumbled backwards, throwing him to the ground. Yes, it was time to move up from paper weights and cutlery! Lisa ---------------- "What in Sagan's name is she talking about, Starbuck? What sort of wagers are being put on these displays of body art?" Adama stood glowering over Starbuck's prone form, contemplating the young man's single unblackened eye. "It's not exactly a wagering pool, Sir." Starbuck backed quickly away on his elbows and struggled to rise to his feet, kicking at the chair that lay over his leg. "It's more of an auction actually." "And what, may I ask, are you auctioning off?" Adama's voice had become eerily calm as he curled his hands into tight fists. "Well?" "Uh, er, ah, hm," Starbuck fumbled his way to his feet, assessing the odds of him making it past the disturbingly calm Adama to the door and temporary freedom. "It's for the orphans, Sir. We're auctioning off an evening of first class recreation in a private dining chamber with the most popular senior officer in the whole calendar," Starbuck smiled weakly and began stepping slowly sideways, judging that he had to make it two more metrons before he could leap for the door panel. "And who might that be?" Adama's eyes became frighteningly hard and his jaw clenched as Belloby's voice came through on the relay once more. "Adama! We'll have a wonderful time. I know I said you were too refined for me, but there's no reason we can't enjoy a little friendly recreation for the sake of the orphan ship fund. Think of the children, Adama," Belloby chuckled huskily, "And think of the two of us, alone, on the Rising Star with a whole evening for you to show me that wonderful tattoo of yours! If you play your cards right, I may show you mine as well!" Carla ---------------- Starbuck eyed the hatch, knowing this was his best possible chance for escape. He dove for the door with the speed of Recon Viper One. If he didn't make it, he'd be in the Brig in short order. Adama snarled, tackling the lieutenant mid-abdomen, and hauling him to the deck. He grabbed Starbuck by the shoulders, slamming him into the floor. "You sold me! You sold your commander to the highest bidder! I can't believe this! I'm not even getting a generator out of it!" "It's for the kids, Sir..." Starbuck attempted once again, wishing he had a handy dandy projector that could shoot a holoptic of little Wildstar up onto the wall. That blond, blue-eyed kid with the wide eyes and soulful features could melt a heart in milli-centons. Hey, he ought to know. "I just wanted to help the... kids." Adama paused, looking down at the young man who undoubtedly could get in trouble easier than any kid on any Orphan Ship. He sighed, loosening his grip on Starbuck. Then abruptly a grating voice reminded him of his fate. "Adama! Wear something fetching, would you? Something that I can remove easily?" Belloby purred. Lisa ---------------- "Father? What is this calendar I just found?" Athena asked as the door slid open and she entered Adama's quarters. She was still absorbed in the calendar's holo-pics. "Really, this isn't the time," Starbuck gurgled. "Starbuck, what - ?" Puzzled, Athena lowered the calendar and froze as she saw the two on the floor. "Father?! Starbuck!?" "I don't think this is the time, my dear," a silky smooth male voice said behind Athena. Oh, blast, it only gets worse, Starbuck thought. "Think of the rumours, Adama," Baltar grinned as he led Athena away. "Oh, what delicious gossip. . . " Eugenia ---------------- "Baltar!" Starbuck and Adama cried simultaneously, struggling to their feet. "Baltar?" Belloby's voice came over the communications array, "Is he up for auction?" "Baltar?" Athena cried, stepping back into her father's quarters and studying the calendar more closely, "That's you with the little battlestar behind the targeting scanner cross hairs, isn't it?" "Baltar!" Starbuck and Adama cried simultaneously, "How did you get here? Didn't we maroon you on that planet near the end of last season?" "Baltar!" Belloby cooed happily, "I'll bid thirty cubits if you make the battlestar dance!" Carla ---------------- "Now, now, Lieutenant Starbuck." Baltar smiled widely. "Don't try and pin this all on me. Adama, surely you must realize that the coordinator for this..." He held up Athena's calendar, "fine piece of artwork was your very own Lieutenant Starbuck. Who you seem even more fond of than I last remembered." He smiled mockingly as Adama flushed. "What was it you said when you picked me up from that planet, Starbuck? Oh, yes. I remember now. 'Imagine the sales!'" Baltar laughed heartily as an irate Adama reached for the lieutenant once again... Lisa ---------------- "Now, Athena, you know that's not mine," Baltar purred, "but you are always welcomed to verify this..." He whispered something into her ear which caused her to giggle. "As to the lady's request," he raised his voice a bit and looked over to the comline, "I am not - shall we say - for sale." "And, as for why I am here." He looked at Adama, who was turning a bit red from fury and embarrassment, and Starbuck, who was nursing various bruises. "Your guess is as good as mine." He shrugged. "Perhaps something quantum? A parallel universe for every possibility?" He turned back to Athena. "Shall we go? I'm sure Adama and Starbuck would like to continue with their business in private, and I would be delighted to let you verify if indeed that little design belongs to me." Eugenia ---------------- "Wait!" cried Athena, "What about my tattoo?" "What?" Adama released his grip on Starbuck’s throat and the young man hit the deck with a thud. "Athena, don't tell me you had your holo-image taken as well." "Just a centon," Starbuck staggered to his feet, grabbing Baltar's shoulder for leverage. "I don't remember you having a tattoo, not even on your..." Starbuck turned to smile weakly at the Commander, "Er, on your lovely wrists or ankles!" With that, Starbuck lunged for the open hatchway, colliding with Apollo and Sheba and they made their way slowly down the corridor toward their quarters, tearing at one another's uniforms like crazed animals. "Oh, Apollo, Baby," Sheba cried, tossing Apollo's jacket over her shoulder and inadvertently covering Starbuck's head with it. "Turbo thrusters charging!" "Viper's ready to launch," Apollo threw Sheba's jacket over his shoulder, inadvertently covering Baltar's head with it, "Permission to land on the Phoenix!" "Launch bay doors are opening, Skipper, you beast," the two disappeared through the door to their quarters, leaving a trail of epaulettes, destruction and charity calendars in their wake. Carla ---------------- Starbuck shook his head, about to pull the flight jacket covering his head away, when once again he was tackled around the middle, and hurled to the floor. "Sagan sakes... I think I'll just stay down here..." The jacket was jerked from his head and Athena's eyes blazed into his. "Oh oh." "What do you mean you never noticed my tattoo?" She growled. "How could you have not seen it when you were..." She glanced back at Adama who was flushing somewhere between anger and embarrassment. "Well, you should have noticed it." "Well, I was wearing my hair a little longer back then..." he replied lamely. Baltar laughed humourlessly. "Exactly what was on your mind when we were making love, Starbuck?" Athena asked, gripping his flight jacket angrily. Lisa ---------------- "Look, it doesn't matter," Starbuck suddenly stared with confusion at Athena. "Aren't you married to Boomer, and having his baby? Does he know you're flirting with Baltar?" Everyone started suddenly, as a loud bang followed by a giggle and a long drawn out howl emanated from the Captain's quarters. "Alright," Adama stepped forward and pulled Sheba's jacket away from Baltar's face, "Tell me how you got here, and stop ogling my daughter you degenerate traitor, you!" "Adama," Belloby's voice carried from the communication array, "My bid still stands at thirty cubits!" Carla ---------------- "You can have him for ten," Adama told Belloby, satisfaction gleaming in his brown eyes as Baltar's smile plunged from his face, taking half his teeth out with it. Lisa ---------------- "Starbuck," Adama straightened his tunic at pointed at Baltar, "Put him in the brig until it's time to leave for the luncheon tomorrow." Everyone started suddenly, as a loud crashing sound, followed by a shriek of abandon could be heard coming from Apollo's and Sheba's quarters. "Open the blast doors, Baby!" Sheba's voice reverberated through the corridor. "Surrender, or I'll have to cover you with my pistol and put you under house arrest, you bad girl," Apollo's voice followed Sheba's. "Ahem," Adama raised an eyebrow and turned to Starbuck, "Remind me when this is all over, to get some more soundproofing for this section." "Adama?" Belloby called through the communication array, "Don't forget! You're sitting between me and Siress Blassie at the luncheon tomorrow!" "Commander!" Tigh came running from the direction of the Command Centre, "The calendars have all sold out! The fund-raiser is starting off with a..." "Yes!" Sheba's voice carried once more from beyond the nearby bulkhead of the Captain's quarters, "docking maneuvers confirmed, Skipper! Land, Baby, land!" "Oh dear Gods!" Baltar cried in disgust, and more than a little envy, devastated at the thought that Athena was married, and fearing for his life now he knew that he'd been auctioned off to Belloby for a mere ten cubits, "Don't they ever stop? They're like wild animals in there!" "...bang, Sir," Tigh finished weakly. Carla ---------------- "Adama?" Belloby called out again as if she were talking to the balkhead. "Oh, Adama," she said more cooly. "Blassie and I have some wonderfully tasty ideas for entertainment with you, you big hunk of a man with your marvelous tattoo. Blassie has a secret tattoo to show you too. Chameleon didn't even know about it." Baltar staggered. "Wait a micron. If Belloby has both you and I, Adama, who comes first?" "I heard that," Belloby snickered over the comm-line along with Blassie's concealed giggles. Robert ---------------- "Adama!" Tigh was aghast, "You're going on a, a, double date with Baltar?” "It's for the kids, Colonel," Starbuck interjected, smiling hopefully at the Commander and massaging his bruised neck. Suddenly, the door to Apollo's quarters opened and he and Sheba strolled out nonchalantly, retrieving their jackets and epaulettes from the floor of the corridor and slipping them on, apparently unable to remove the smiles plastered on their faces. "Father," Apollo said happily, "My wife and I have decided, after a long, calm, quiet, adult conversation, that we are not going to let this tattoo, hot-tub, charity calendar, IFB thing come between us." "Apollo," Athena said impatiently, "Everyone could hear you two having your conversation from here in the corridor. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if the sound carried throughout the ship." Apollo flushed hotly and raised an eyebrow at Sheba as he recalled her passionate remarks about the 'blast doors.' "Hey!" Sheba cried, desperate for a distraction, "What's Baltar doing here?" She tilted her head, winking at Apollo as the two made their way back toward the hatchway to their quarters. "I think I left something turned on," Apollo said absently as he and Sheba rushed into their quarters, taking their jackets with them this time. "Well, you see, it was like this," Starbuck began speaking, raising his voice to be heard over the crashing sounds emanating from Apollo's quarters and positioning Baltar as a human shield between himself and Adama, "I was on patrol, trying to think up a gimmick to make some money for the kids, when I picked up a transmission from Baltar, here. When I found out that he had a tattoo that was inked by the famous Caprican artist, Alpha Doodle, I knew we needed him for the calendar." Carla ---------------- In the distance, a mechanical barking could be heard. Everybody turned to look to see Boxey and Muffit walking down the corridor. Baltar gave the most evil smile a traitor to the human race could ever give. "Why, Boxey, you have grown since I last saw you." Adama whipped a menacing look at Baltar. "Shut up!" He turned back to Boxey with a grandfather's smile. In a soothing voice he asked, "Boxey, aren't you supposed to be at play period?" Boxey looked at the deck. "Yeah, I was until I heard dad and Sheba's voices over the public intercom. All the weird things they were saying didn't make sense." Muffit barked and turned on his supplementary audio scanner recording units. 'Surrender, or I'll have to cover you with my pistol and put you under house arrest, you bad girl.' 'Launch bay doors are opening, Skipper, you beast.' Adama quickly interjected, "Quiet, Muffit. We know what we heard." He looked at Boxey. "You heard that over the intercom?" "Me. Molly. Zues. Hermes. Juliet..." "Boxey, how many of you heard this?" Adama was flabbergasted. "The whole class, Grandpa. And the teachers. And the maintenance people in the hallway fixing the vent. And..." All Adama could do was groan. "I heard that too," Belloby said excitedly. "You must be warming up before coming over. Oh do that again, Big Guns." "The whole class?!?!?" Tigh asked. "Yup." Muffit barked in acknowledgment and nodded his head. Baltar let out his evil laugh yet again. Robert ---------------- "You know, that evil laugh would be much more effective if half your teeth weren't lying on the deck," Adama reminded him. Once again, Baltar's smile slipped, and he fell to the floor under the force. Gravity was hard on Baltar. "Uh, sir. What are you going to do about the comm situation in Apollo and Sheba's quarters?" Starbuck asked. "Don't think I haven't forgotten that you single-handedly rescued Baltar all for the sake of profit, Lieutenant." Adama glared at him. "You go tell Apollo and Sheba that they're transmitting their take-offs and landings to the children." "Me, Sir?" Starbuck winced. "Look Commander, Boxey's about the only member of your entire family that hasn't tried to throttle me in the last couple days. I'd just as soon stay out of target range. Last I saw, they were both armed." "I'm guessing they aren't by now," Baltar remarked as a steady thumping resounded through the bulkhead. Lisa ---------------- "Starbuck," Adama pulled himself together and took charge, "Get Baltar settled into the brig for the night, and find him something nice to wear to the luncheon tomorrow. Tigh, Athena, pick up these calendars and get them autographed by Alpha Doodle. Boxey, go into my quarters and turn off the communication relay." "Oh, Skipper!" "Oh, Phoenix!" "Oh, no," Adama rushed to override the ship's intercom system, replacing the broadcast of the sounds emanating from the Captain's quarters with the most current version of 'Girl from Impanemahotep', a good standby lift music. "Grandpa, who's Phoenix?" Boxey asked, as he thumbed through a copy of the Female Pilots calendar. "Hey, there's Auntie Athena's tattoo!" "Where?" Starbuck and Baltar cried simultaneously, leaning forward to get a look. Whirr. Bark. Bark. Muffit emptied his used lubricant chamber down Baltar's leg. Carla ---------------- "The Brig!" Baltar spat, as Starbuck steered him down the corridor for his incarceration. Starbuck shrugged. He was pleasantly surprised that he wasn't going to be occupying one of the other cells. Lords, it was a good thing Sheba hadn't mentioned the Female Triad League he had come up with... with a few adaptations to the rules. He grinned as he thought about the new and improved full body contact sport, and how that very night would be the second practice. Lords, but he had discovered a new passion for coaching. "...you're not even listening to me!" Baltar shouted. "Huh?" "I said, you're not even listening to me!" Baltar repeated irritably. Starbuck smiled, "Huh?" "I'm beginning to understand why everyone wants to choke you." Lisa ---------------- "Female Triad League?" Apollo said, as he fastened his tunic and donned his jacket once more. "Yes," Sheba said emerging from the inner chamber of their quarters wearing a triad uniform that had been specially designed for her by the Calendar Committee, Starbuck being the only voting member. "Oh my," Apollo ripped off his jacket and locked lips with Sheba, who clawed off the rest of his uniform and staggered with him back into the inner chamber. "Turbo thrusters are charging up again, Lieutenant." "One more for the team, Skipper?" Sheba cried, tossing aside her Triad helmet. "Triad practice doesn't start until later tonight." Out in the corridor, a crack team of soundproofers had arrived at Adama's orders, and begun drilling a hole through which to feed the nozzle on the prototype soundproofing foam spraying canister that they had snatched from Wilker's private cabinet in the science lab. Carla ---------------- "Okay, that's it. I've had it," Baltar snarled, grabbed Starbuck by the shoulders and slammed him against the wall. "Oh, come on, I've been beaten up enough today," Starbuck moaned. "I see your pretty little smile is intact and unmolested. You haven't been peed upon by a mechanic daggit. You haven't been summarily ignored and rejected by women. Oh, no, at the end of the day, no matter how flagrantly you flaunt the rules, you get all the adoration. Your friend gets to rub it in by broadcasting his private adventures to THE WHOLE SHIP!" "Engaging Turbo-Thrusters!" Apollo's voice ran through the corridor, followed by a shriek from Sheba. Baltar and Starbuck looked up to the nearest comline speaker. "It is annoying, isn't it?" Starbuck smiled weakly. "At least it's not on the Uni-com to the whole fleet." Eugena ---------------- "What do you mean the Unicom's been on the whole time?" Adama roared as he climbed the command platform on the bridge. Tigh backed away, leaving Omega to explain to the Commander that Apollo's and Sheba's broadcast had been picked up for a prime time slot right after the documentary featuring the new Female Triad League Red Team Leader, Lieutenant Sheba. "Well, Sir," Omega cleared his throat as a series of crashing sounds emanated from the speakers on the command console. He quickly rewound his only copy of 'Girl from Impanemahotep' and plugged it into the Unicom relay, setting it to automatic looping. "It seems that the Unicom was left on in error right around the time the turbo thrusters were, uh, firing, Commander." "Oh, Skipper," Sheba's voice carried clearly from the auxiliary Unicom relay, drowning out the lift music, "Don't close the blast doors just yet, the landing bay is ready to receive." Carla ---------------- "Uh, Baltar. Pick up the pace." Yeah, Starbuck had been getting a few strange looks as he passed by Colonial Warriors with Baltar, the traitor of the Colonies of Man, at his side. But now he could sense there was a group of people following them. His internal klaxon told him it wasn't going to be pretty. "Remember, you're sworn to protect me," Baltar told him, looking over at his shoulder and startling as he spotted at least ten people dressed from head to toe in black cloaks. Even their faces were covered. And three of them were carrying scythes. "I am?" Starbuck asked, grabbing the man's arm and propelling him forward to the nearest lift. He slammed the activator as they leapt aboard, and the doors almost shut... then a scythe slipped in between the heavy tylinium doors, and the safety mechanisms caused it to open once again. Starbuck drew his laser, shaking his head that this was happening. Here he was forced to defend a man who he would have gladly given his life to kill not that many sectars ago. "Stay back!" he shouted, fanning his weapon and trying to cover the ten or so members of this lynch crew. "Just let us have him, Lieutenant," a heavy set man with a scythe sneered. "He's not worth it." "Well... what are you going to do to him?" Starbuck asked, holding his left hand up as if by suggestion he could stop their advance. A damn good thing he had his laser in his right hand. "We're undecided actually. Five of us want to decapitate him, and the other five want to string him up by the neck." "I don't see a rope." Starbuck pointed out. "And what would you string him up on? A hoist in the landing bay?" "Ah, an excellent suggestion." The man in black nodded. "We were stuck on that point." "Starbuck!" Baltar choked out, smacking the warrior in the back of the head. "What the frack are you doing?" "I'm stalling them!" Starbuck hissed back. "Now, what about the rope?" Lisa ---------------- "Commander," Omega threw the override switch for the entire Unicom System, restarting it with default settings in place and bypassing the open relay in Apollo's and Sheba's quarters. "I'm receiving reports that Starbuck and Baltar and the new Triad teams have been trapped in the Female Pilots' Barracks with a large case of ambrosia by an angry mob in black cloaks." Omega's face registered a look of certain doom. "Sir, the hot- tub's still on in there!" "Adama," Tigh stepped forward, seeing that Adama appeared to have regained his composure slightly, "we must help Starbuck save Baltar and the Triad teams. Belloby's already paid her ten cubits, and the tournament is tomorrow night during your double date. At least Sheba's not trapped with them. She's the team captain. Maybe we can get her down there to negotiate." "Oooh, lower the landing gear, Baby!" Sheba's voice carried clearly from the Unicom. It was now obvious to the men on the platform that Omega's reset had tripped all the relays, leaving them wide open for a live feed directly to the IFB receiver on the Electronics Ship. As if acknowledging defeat, the recording of 'Girl from Impanemahotep' ground to a slow stop. "Or maybe not," Tigh said fearfully, backing away as he noted the throbbing vein on the side of Adama's neck becoming alarmingly large. Carla ---------------- Sheba collapsed bonelessly on top of Apollo, just as their entry chime sounded. "This had better be good!" the Captain hollered. "Alpo!" Boomer's muffled voice came through the hatch. "Alpo?" Sheba looked at her husband. "She-Ra!" Bojay's muffled voice barely penetrated. "Did somebody sound proof our quarters?" Sheba asked with an impish smile. "Could be," Apollo replied, gently kissing his wife as she lay down beside him. He pulled his pants all the way up and crossed to the hatch, opening it. "Yes?" "We have a situation, Captain," Boomer told him. "Apparently, Siress Belloby and some insurgents are holding the ladies triad team captive, all over a bottle of ambrosa." "Where?" Apollo asked, glancing back to see Sheba adjusting her uniform back into place. "Impanemahotep," Bojay replied. "Where the frack's that?" the Captain asked. "I don't know, but I hear the girls are tall and tan and young and lovely," Boomer replied. "Then let's go," Apollo grinned. "Wait just a centon! I'm coming too!" Sheba hollered. * * * * * "Okay, so now we've found a rope, and you know you can use the landing bay hoist... what are you going to do with the body?" Starbuck asked, watching the rope swing back and forth in front of him. "The body?" "Yeah, the body," Starbuck reasoned. "You can't just leaving it dangling off the hoist. We need it to move Vipers, for Sagan's sake." "Oh. I hadn't thought of that," the heavy set guy replied. "Any thoughts, Starbuck?" "Well, we could always hoist it over to the launch bay, and then cram it into a launch tube. When the next patrol launches..." "Brilliant!" the hooded man replied. "Absolutely brilliant." "Well, you have to think these things through," Starbuck replied, wincing as Baltar smacked him in the back of the head again. * * * * * Boomer, Bojay, Sheba and Apollo burst down the corridor in no particular direction. "Someone must know where Impanemahotep is," Apollo remarked. "Wait, if the women's triad team is involved, wouldn't it follow that it would be in the Fitness Centre at the triad courts?" Boomer suggested. "They renamed the triad courts Impanemahotep?" Sheba asked. "Hey, it's a starting point," Boomer replied. "Let's go!" * * * * * Another smack to the back of his head later... "Would you stop that!" Starbuck whirled on Baltar. "Sagan sakes, I'm having a bad day. You think you have it bad, but all people have done to me today is abuse me, when I'm pretty much accustomed to be loved and adored by... well, by everybody." "My lynch mob is standing in front of you asking for tips on how to execute me--which you discuss as easily as the latest odds on Belloby dating both Adama and I--and you're having a bad day? You couldn't protect a Battlestar from a butterfly!" Baltar roared, startling Starbuck. The lieutenant stepped backwards, and the mob reflexively gave him some breathing room to fall on his astrum. "Where did you get the scythes, by the way?" Starbuck asked as he looked up at them from the deck of the lift. "Hand fashioned for the Old Hallows Eve festivities over on the Eidolon," the heavy set man replied, backing up to show them a few moves as he sliced and diced his way through an imaginary wheat field and his two friends joined him. The others flanked them, clapping along and establishing a rhythm. "Oh. Thanks," Starbuck replied, jerking to a sitting position and hitting the activator once again. This time the door shut. He let out a deep breath as the lift started its descent. "Now what were you saying?" he grinned at Baltar. Then the lift jerked violently, and the lights went out. The turbo lift came to a jarring stop. "You were saying?" asked Baltar. Lisa ---------------- "Woo - hoo! Hey, Skipper! You're my hero, man! That seemed to go on for centaurs!" "What the Hades are they talking about?" Apollo asked as he rushed along the corridor with Sheba and Boomer, hearing similar comments from almost every person they encountered along the way to the Female Pilot Barracks. "I don't know," said Sheba, "but I'm getting a lot of high fives from the female technicians and warriors. What are they so impressed about?" "Uh, well, you see," Boomer paused and cleared his throat, "the Unicom seems to have broadcasted the two of you, er, performing maneuvers in your quarters. Everyone in the Fleet has been listening to you for the last couple of centaurs and the IFB is planning to put together special rebroadcast and commentary spanning at least two prime time slots after the Triad game and Team Captain Profile tomorrow night." Apollo and Sheba stood silently staring at Boomer, their faces drained of colour. "Everyone in the Fleet?" Apollo asked dully. "Everyone?" Sheba echoed in a horrified whisper. "Tell me they didn't hear the part about the blast doors." "Uh," Boomer smiled weakly, "Maybe we should go save Starbuck. It'll take your mind off the IFB camera crew that's standing behind you right now." "Captain! Lieutenant!" Zara cried cheerfully, "Can we get a shot of those tattoos now, before we head in to the hostage situation in the hot-tub?" Carla ---------------- "Wait a centon!" Apollo grabbed Boomer. "Did you say we were saving Starbuck?" "Uh... yeah, I guess I did." "I thought we were saving the ladies triad team from Siress Belloby and some insurgents?" Apollo asked again. "Which is it?" "I... uh... I'm confused." Boomer whined. "Wasn't there something to do with Baltar?" Bojay asked. "Maybe we shouldn't have stopped by the OC on the way to the Captain's quarters." "Well, they were still... on patrol when we arrived at their door the first time," Boomer reminded Bojay. "Oh, right," Bojay muttered. "Starbuck and Baltar?" Sheba mused. "Are we saving Starbuck from Baltar?" "I'm not sure," Boomer whimpered, holding his head in his hands. "Bojay, why did I ever let you talk me into those Interdimensional Galactic Garglers?" "I told you that we should have stuck with just one," Bojay returned. "Yeah, but by then I'd already had three," Boomer complained. "Think!" Apollo clamped a hand down on each man's shoulder. "Where's Starbuck and Baltar?" "In hot water?" Boomer mused. "In a hot tub?" Bojay suggested. "Ewww!" Sheba grimaced. "Unless it was with the ladies' triad team," Apollo added with a sly grin. * * * * * "Now what do we do?" Baltar seethed in the darkness of the stalled turbo lift. "Stand back." Starbuck warned him, then adjusted the beam of his laser and started cutting a hole in the bottom of the lift. "Wouldn't it be easier to go up through the access panel?" Baltar asked. "The Scythian Brothers of Doom are up there." "By all means, keep cutting." Lisa ---------------- "This is the Squadron Commander!" Apollo banged his fist against the hatch leading to the Female Pilot Barracks. "Open up. That's an order!" "Oh, it's you, Skipper," Deitra sputtered with laughter as she opened the hatch and looked the Captain up and down. "I'm surprised you're still standing after all the maneuvers. Sheba! I had no idea you were so flexible! I'm glad you're my Triad partner in tomorrow's tournament!" "Look out!" Starbuck heaved up the piece of floor decking between Apollo and Deitra and crawled into the chamber, dragging Baltar behind him. "We have a serious problem, Apollo! The SBD is after Baltar!" "The who?" Sheba asked, looking at Bojay, who belched happily and crumpled to the floor. "Hey, Deitra!" Brie called from the hot-tub on the other side of the large chamber, "Ask the Skipper if he can turbo - charge the hot-tub for us! We've been very naughty, Captain! Hey Sheba! Way to close the blast doors!" "The Scythian Brothers of Doom," Starbuck said distractedly as he looked into the IFB camera. "They ambushed us in the lift. I had to use the cutting beam on my pistol to get us out of there. I knew the way to the womens' barracks, so I came straight here." He turned to smile innocently at Apollo. "I'm surprised you can even stand after all that, er, turbo-thrusting, buddy." "Never mind that, now," Apollo sputtered, shared a pained expression with Sheba, then noticing the curve of her jaw, and the movement of her hair, and... "Apollo, we have to stop the SBD before they..." Sheba stared into Apollo's eyes, feeling that familiar feeling of warmth. "Uh, Captain," Sheba shoved Baltar aside and moved to grab Apollo's arm, "I really need you out in the corridor. It's an emergency." "What? Oh." Apollo glanced guiltily at Boomer and Starbuck. "Starbuck, you're in charge. Keep the SBD away from Baltar and don't let him out of your sight." The Captain turned to Sheba, "Let's check out that emergency, Lieutenant." Apollo and Sheba ran out of the room, slamming the hatch shut before Zara could follow with the camera crew. "We shouldn't be doing this," Sheba breathed huskily as they rushed into the nearest hatchway, finding themselves in Colonel Tigh's private quarters. "Open the blast doors again, you naughty Squadron Commander." "Just give me the trajectory, Lieutenant," Apollo cried as he tore off his jacket, tossing it inadvertently on the communication console on Tigh's desk. "Alpha Patrol to Core Command, I'm coming in hot." Carla ---------------- Part 57 One moment in the throes of passion, the next Sheba opened her eyes in rapture to stare over Apollo’s shoulder and see at least a dozen hooded black-cloaked individuals bearing scythes. “Reverse thrust!” She screamed. “Reverse thrust!” Lisa ---------------- Part 58 "What is the SBD doing in Colonel Tigh's quarters?" Apollo asked from where he crouched on Tigh's desk top, throwing his jacket over his wife's tattoo. "Colonel Tigh's quarters?" one of the hooded figures stepped forward. "We were looking for Baltar." "Uh," Sheba spoke quickly, elbowing Apollo in the thigh, "Baltar's down in the Council Security Office. Ask for Reese." "Oh, um, yes!" Apollo gestured toward the hatchway. "I'm sure the black-shirts, I mean, Council Security will be happy to help you." Apollo felt Sheba's arms sliding up his chest from behind as the SBD left the chamber, the hatch closing behind them. "That was close," he said as he turned to look into Sheba's eyes. "Maybe we should go and check on Starbuck and Boomer and, uh..." Apollo became mesmerized by her brown eyes. "It's like we've been drugged," Sheba cried, "I can't stop myself." She slammed him down on Tigh's desk, barely missing the communication array that had been, unbeknownst to them, broadcasting their every sound throughout the ship. "Alpha Patrol, this is Core Command. How hot is it, Skipper?" "Lords, you're right!" Apollo cried, "I can't help myself, either. Maybe we have been drugged." He lost himself in those brown eyes again, "Have you calculated that trajectory, Lieutenant?" "Just bring her in by the seat of your pants, Skipper," Sheba growled as she lunged forward. Carla ---------------- Part 59 "Oh, Lords, don't they ever stop?" Baltar moaned, as heavy breathing came over the comline. "It's that newlywed thing, you know." Starbuck stared at the door Apollo and Sheba had disappeared behind. The Colonel was going to be furious when he found out what his quarters have been used for. "No, I don't know," Baltar snarled at Starbuck and whapped him on the back of the head. "Ow! What is it with you!?" Starbuck rubbed the back of his head. Wasn't there a hot-tub near? The female pilots were in a group listening to the comline and giggling. "I'm coming in hot!" Apollo's voice rang out. "What is this? The fourth time?" Zara asked Zeke. This was going to break all ratings records. "Something like that," Zeke replied in a monotone, focusing the camera on the door and the women clustered around it. "Do you want me to deliver you to the SBD?" Starbuck asked Baltar. "I'm the bad guy, remember." Baltar sat down on a bench in the barracks. "Might as well act as people expect me to." "Do you want me to shoot you?" "You already did that. I think it was dimension 117," Baltar said. Starbuck stared at Baltar. He hadn't shot Baltar. He wanted to, threatened to, but didn't actually do it. "What? Have you lost your marblons?" Starbuck asked. "That was dimension 119." "What in Hades are you talking about?" "In dimension 115 we're at a card game," Baltar said. "At least, my counterpart go hot fudge." He buried his face in his hands. "Oh, this is really weird..." Eugenia ---------------- Part 60 "So as I was saying Reece, I need whatever you have on the Scythian Brothers of Doom... or at least a bunch of maniacs who run around in black cloaks, hiding their cowardly faces, and carrying scythes to threaten innocent passers by..." Starbuck paused as Reece's eyes became as wide as saucers. The Security Officer pointed over Starbuck's left shoulder, but the lieutenant shook his head slightly, deciding he didn't want to know. That's when the scythe came to rest just under his chin. "I prefer sonic shaves, if you don't mind. Scythes are so 'farm-hand renaissance'." * * * * * "So, how closely do we have to watch him?" Bojay asked Boomer. "Starbuck said we couldn't take our eyes off of him. Captain's orders." Boomer replied. Traitor or not, Baltar actually made a fairly decent pillow. Yeah, he was a little lumpy, but with an occasional thumping and beating of those lumps, he could be quite cozy. Boomer sighed, thumping yet another lump and laying his head down on the traitor. "But I wanted to go in the hot tub!" Bojay whined. "A hot tub could be pleasant." Baltar inserted. "Hey! My pillow talked. Pillow talk! Ha ha ha!" Boomer giggled across Baltar's gut at Bojay "Do you think we could get a keg of Interdimensional Galactic Garglers sent over here for the party?" Bojay chucked. "Why not?" "Oh, please do." Baltar begged them. Lisa ---------------- Part 61 "Why did I even come down here?" Starbuck sighed as he recalled the hot-tub party up in the barracks. "Look, could you get that blade away from my throat? You could put an eye out with one of those things if you're not careful." Starbuck slowly pushed the blade of the scythe away and turned to face the SBD. "Why are you guys down here?" "Those sex maniacs up in the Colonel's quarters told us we could find Baltar down here," the hooded figure in charge waggled his scythe in frustration. "Oh, Baby, standard formation!" Sheba's voice evoked a groan of jealousy from the members of the SBD and Council Security. "How does he do it?" Reese asked in amazement. "It's been centaurs!" "I think they've been drugged," Starbuck mused, counting scythes. "I think we've been drugged!" Apollo breathed raggedly over the Unicom. "Don't worry about that right now," Sheba's voice responded. "Tigh's desk is about to collapse. Adjust your trajectory, Skipper. We've got some turbulence!" "Look," Starbuck said to the assembled SBD and Council Security Officers, "I've got to go check on Bojay and Boomer and Ba... uh, I mean," Starbuck swallowed and began again, "You guys keep an eye out for Baltar, and I'll be right back." Starbuck rushed off leaving two skid marks and a puff of smoke. "How does he do it?" Reese asked in amazement, "Hey, you guys in the hoods! What do you think you're doing? Get away from those surveillance monitors. They're for emergencies only. That one is the security camera in the women's barracks, and, Oh My God!, it's Baltar! He's in a hot tub in the Women's Barracks!" The SBD rushed off leaving several skid marks and a large puff of smoke. Carla ---------------- Part 62 Starbuck skidded around and into the entrance doorway of the Women's Barracks and hurried to the hot tub. The occupants, all female, squealed in protest and hastily covered themselves with towels when he entered. "Hey, ladies, it's not anything I haven't seen before," he smiled. And winced from the bruises and other injuries Apollo had inflicted. "Not when we don't want you to," Dietra said firmly. "Well, uh," Starbuck tried to be casual but it was hard to do when he knew, just knew, the SBD would be intruding at any micron. Another thought crossed his mind. "Where's Boomer and Bojay?" "Boomer had some marital duties to do," Brie giggled. "The wife hauled him off. Seems she couldn't stand the racket over the comline anymore." "And Bojay?" "Bojay went to look for a keg of Interdimensional Galactic Garglers." "They left Baltar alone? Where is he?" Starbuck asked, panic mounting. That wasn't the only thing mounting. A loud crash came over the comline. "I don't think the desk held up under the emergency landing, Skipper," Sheba said. "Tigh's going to kill us," Apollo said, not sounding very concerned. "We'll deal with it later," Sheba's voice was muffled. "You remember that energy potion Starbuck gave us at our wedding? I think it's working." "Oh, frak," Starbuck muttered. He hadn't thought it was that effective. Maybe Apollo would be appreciative but he doubted it. On the other hand, if he could make up a few more batches the pummeling might be worth it. "Are they gone?" Baltar gasped, rising from the water of the hot tub. His dark hair dripping and his undershirt drenched. "What are you doing in there?" Starbuck glared at Baltar. "He begged us, Starbuck," Brie pleaded. "These awful men with scythes were trying to kill him. I couldn't let them." She smiled innocently and another rumour that was making the rounds crossed Starbuck's mind. "Brie, did your mother - " He never finished as he heard the awful men enter the barracks. Eugenia ---------------- Part 63 Starbuck was legendary for thinking fast. As the Scythian Brothers of Doom filed into the billet, he pushed Baltar back under the water in the hot tub, wondering what the frack was going on. It was Bizarro World. Boomer and Apollo were off making love with their wives, Bojay was on the prowl for booze, every gorgeous female pilot was naked and partying with Baltar... and he alone was responsible for saving humanity. He frowned. Actually, Baltar was about as far from his ideal of Humanity as a person could come. So maybe it wasn't Bizarro World at all. Maybe it was Reverso World. Maybe not just Apollo and Sheba were drugged. Maybe they were all drugged. After all, by now he usually would have charmed his way into the hot tub, but instead the women were looking at him like he was some kind of intruder. Usually, he could have used his bruises to get a little compassion. Instead, nothing but hostility was directed his way. To accentuate that point, a scythe once again was under his chin. "Hey, it's him again. This guy keeps turning up like a bad smell," tall, dark and hooded exclaimed. "Are you guys still looking for Baltar?" Starbuck asked. "Last I heard, he'd grabbed a Viper and launched himself out of here." "Oh, thanks." They turned to go. "Make that tall, dark and stupid." They turned back again. Starbuck laughed nervously. "Did I say that out loud?" "Yeah, you did actually." Now having the lung capacity of a man who lived a sedentary life style, it was about then that Baltar came up for air. "Launched himself out of here, eh?" Starbuck drew his laser. He gazed at the drawing, thinking it was pretty good, but useless as a weapon. He handed it over to Tall, Dark, With Good Hearing. Then he pulled his weapon. That hurt. ---------------- art 64 - Carla "Why are you guys after Baltar to begin with?" Starbuck asked, moving away from the scythe blade poised at his throat. "Are you kidding?" the head hood cried, "It's because he's eee-vil!" "And you're not?" Starbuck gestured toward the crowd of SBD members with their dark cloaks and blades, "just look at yourselves!" "We are not at liberty to reveal our true . . . oh felgercarb, it's me!" the SBD leader lowered his hood and scowled at Starbuck. "Maga! What are you doing in charge of the SBD? Didn't you take off to Luna Seven, with Leiter and his thugs?" "Look, I can't get into that now. Just don't tell the other Nomen, or I'll be stricken from the roster and I won't get to go to the blood trail veterans reunion at yahren's end." "Your secret's safe with me!" whooped Baltar as he frolicked in the hot tub next to Brie, "I'm sorry, my dear, but I feel 'ooky' sitting next to you in that outfit. I think you might be my . . ." "Oooh, Skipper!," Sheba's voice rang throughout the barracks. "Oh My God!" Starbuck cried, "How is he /doing/ that? It can't be the energy potion I gave them. That should have worn off sectons ago." "Wait!" Wilker cried as he rushed into the room with the crack soundproofing team in tow, "I've solved the mystery! It /was/ the energy potion initially, but when it was finally wearing off, /these/ ninnys grabbed the wrong cannister from my private stock and soundproofed the Captain's quarters with it." "What do you mean?" howled Tigh, rushing into the barracks with the now fully clothed, but frantically necking Apollo and Sheba in tow, clutching a piece of his broken desk in his elegant fingers, " 'the wrong cannister'?" Wilker nodded to the head of the crack soundproofing team, who held up a cannister that was clearly labelled, /Human Pheromones, use sparingly in a well ventilated area/. "Oh My God," Apollo cried, holding his wife's hands tightly to prevent her from removing his jacket, "every adult who stays near our quarters for more than a few centons will be affected," Apollo turned and suddenly saw the members of the SBD, and Maga approaching the hot tub, then turned back to Wilker, "Just a centon. What were you doing with this huge cannister of pheromones in the science lab?" Everyone froze and turned to gaze speculatively at Wilker as Zara and the IFB crew came in for a close-up, microphones poised. Part 65-Lisa “Well,” replied Wilker. “The Fleet is running out of contraceptives. We needed to come up with an alternative idea to keep down the birthrate.” His face flushed ever so slightly. “Great job, Doc.” Starbuck quipped. He glanced at Sheba groping her husband frantically, her leg hooked around his hips. “No, no. You don’t understand. I came up with a formula to reverse the male libido.” Starbuck blinked, the realization hitting him. Naked women everywhere . . . sounds of passion filling the Unicom . . . and he alone was interested in saving Baltar. He pulled his laser, grabbing Wilker and slamming him up against a bulkhead. Yeah, this was better than sex! Doh! “Care to tell us who you decided to try out your recipe on?” he growled. “I would have thought that was obvious, Lieutenant Limpbuck.” Wilker replied with a smile. Part 66 - Carla "Careful, Doc," Starbuck hissed as he pulled Wilker away from the IFB equipment, "A name like that could stick." "But," Apollo's voice was muffled by Sheba's tongue, "Why can't we stop, er, /you know/?" "You're the control group," Wilker sighed morosely, "Apparently, you two have a rather, uh, /complimentary/ combination of naturally occurring pheromones. It was from samples taken from the two of you that I developed my 'anti-pheromone' formula. Apparently, when /you/ two are exposed to the chemical, you have a rather, er, extreme reaction," Wilker looked into Apollo's, and then Sheba's eyes, "the effects should wear off and your libidos return to normal in about, oh, twenty daily cycles or so." "Twenty . . . " Apollo shared with Sheba another look of horror, "I don't think we can last that . . ." Apollo studied the curve of Sheba's neck where it emerged from her tunic. Sheba and Apollo lunged at one another, tearing at each other's clothing and fumbling their way out of the barracks, back toward Tigh's quarters. "No!" Tigh cried, still clutching the piece of his broken desk, "Not there! Make for the lift! Go down to Life Station! Maybe Salik can help!" "They'll never make it," Wilker shook his head mournfully and turned in time to see Tigh's elegant fist coming straight at him. Part 67-Lisa He was standing in the middle of the billet, his mouth open, his face pale, and not moving a millimetron. Twenty days? Twenty days of no . . . ? His eyes began to tear. He was vaguely aware of a warm wetness trailing down his face . . . His chest was aching. It felt like he couldn't breathe. Then the view of Wilker cradling his jaw abruptly turned to a view of the ceiling. With a thump he hit the deck. "Starbuck!" Tigh shouted, leaning over him. The lieutenant stared blankly at the ceiling. "What is it? What's wrong with him? He's not responding." Wilker cautiously approached the warriors, trying to keep a fair distance from Tigh's elegant hands that could do such inelegant damage when curled into a fist. "It could be a reaction to the Anti-testosterone Formula." "Who approved Starbuck as a test case?" Tigh asked, snapping his long and finely manicured fingers over the lieutenant's bruised face. No response. "I did." Wilker replied. "In the yahrenly physical, his hormonal level was shown to be slightly higher than the average warrior, which made him an ideal candidate. After all, if I could neutralize Starbuck's sex drive, I could neutralize anyone's. Even a bull mastadon." Tigh waited for Starbuck to smile at that. To thank the Doctor for the compliment. However, blank blue eyes only continued to gaze upward. "Someone go get Dr. Salik. Tell him that Starbuck is in some kind of shock, and isn't responding." He gazed around to see the Sycthian Brothers of Doom diving into the hot tub after Baltar. The female warriors suddenly were hoisting glasses of Interdimensional Galactic Garglers and singing, C'mon feel the noise, girls rock your boys, we'll get wild, wild, wild . . .. Yes, Bojay was back. Tigh patted Starbuck's cheek, once again trying to rouse him. Then he rose to deal with the SBD. One man, alone. "Sorry, Lieutenant. Duty calls." Part 68 - Carla "Now, let's be reasonable about this," Tigh casually slipped the laser pistol from Starbuck's flaccid fingers, holding it behind his elegant back, "Maga, I just need Baltar for the day tomorrow. After Belloby gets her ten cubits worth, then /you/ can have him." "Well," Maga settled a little deeper into the bubbling hot tub and took a sip of Unidimensional Virgin Gargler, "What do you think, fellas?" he scanned the faces of the other members of the Scythian Brotherhood of Doom. "Well, I guess we can wait until tomorrow night for the lynching," one of them responded. "I think I'll just be going for a fresh towel," Baltar smiled and extricated himself from the grip of the hooded figure behind him. "Wait," Brie cried in a voice of renewed decisiveness, "You can't go anywhere until I tell you that I'm really your . . . " "Bojay!" Starbuck called desperately, "carry me down to the Life Station. Cassiopeia might be down there. If anyone can revive my libido, it's her!" "Bojay!" Colonel Tigh called with authority, "While you're going that way, put Baltar in the brig for the night," Tigh laid down his pistol and began to undo the fastenings to his tunic, realizing that he, himself, appeared unaffected by Wilker's libido quashing formula, "I'm checking out this hot tub. It doesn't look safe and we can't risk losing the entire Women's Triad League. Think of the orphans!" Part 69 Over the intercom system: "Yea, baby. Show me to your Shag-Shuttle." "I'll shag you rotten, Skipper baby. Arm you turret." "All turrets manned by me and fully operational. Groovy, baby." "You're so Shagadellic. Hit me with all your turbo thrust." "This is one viper stick with too much power." "Go ahead and launch." A lady's voice was singing, 'Hit me with your best shot. Fire away!' "Smashing, baby." "Oh, call me Allotaph." "Allotaph what?" "Jyna." "Oh, baby, you're Allotaph.. um. Full thrusters ahead." "Shag-Shuttle bomb bay doors open." "Bomb's away in old Bomb-bay." Adama tore apart the bulkhead and started ripping out every wire he could get his hands on. Part 70 Music began to emit from Muffit's his supplementary audio scanner recording units. Boxey rocked back and forth in front of those that were still with him. He knew this tune. He took a deep breath. "Rooooooxxxxxxaaaaannnnnnnneeeee! You don't have to put on the red klaxxon. Rooooooxxxxxxxaannnne." Athena put her hand over Boxey's mouth and sang, "Hush little buby, don't say a word. Aunt Athena's going buy you a..." Part 71 - Carla Apollo and Sheba spilled out of the lift and made-out their way through the Life Station entrance. "Doctor Salik!" Sheba cried, slamming Apollo down on the nearest treatment platform and tearing off his tunic, "We've been exposed to a concentrated formula of our own pheromones! Help us!" "Looks like your doing it right, to me," Salik made a few notes on a pad, then pointed to the back of the Life Station, "Get a room, for Sagan's sake." Apollo and Sheba plunged through the doorway that Doctor Salik indicated and slammed into the interior wall of the private treatment room. "Skipper, you hot Kobollian Warrior, it looks like we're stuck here together, this way, for about twenty daily cycles," Sheba tossed her gunbelt onto a nearby chair, "Maybe we should just leave those blast doors open." "Alpha Patrol's over, you naughty girl," Sheba could feel Apollo's hot breath on her face as he pushed her firmly against the wall, flinging his gunbelt onto the chair with hers, "It's time for a Long Range Probe. Core Command, permission to launch, please!" Part 72 Belloby was becoming very impatient. Any attempts to get through to Adama over the fleet wide intercom were blocked by Apollo and Sheba. Even after going to the head communications technician to have the full turbos communication extinguished, the technician simply shrugged. 'There is a full body of raiders approaching. Embrace them now.' 'Donning my special hard hat helmet.' 'Oooo, when the going gets tough....' 'Groovy gang.' "Oh, all right. If you want to have a man's work done, you have to get a woman to do it. Come on, Blassie. We have some hunting and catching to do." As the two ladies were about to exit, Belloby look back at the head communications technician. "If you can't shut that thing off, override it with a more powerful program. Something like The Match Flame. That should burn it out!" Part 73 Bojay staggered into the Life Station with Starbuck, out cold, in his arms. He didn’t even notice all the action going on in the other room. He laid Starbuck down on a gurney. Dr. Salik rushed over. "What happened to Starbuck?" In between his heavy breathing, Bojay rasped, 'He's been hit upside the head one-too-many times. He didn’t have a V8." "Oh no. This is very serious. He didn't have a V8." Bojay only said, "No V8." Dr. Salik started to check all of Starbuck's vital signs. "This is not good. Med Tech. Med Tech. Bring me an I.V." The med tech responded, "Would you like an Ivy League or an Ivy Vine?" "The I.V. Vine, just make sure it is not a poison I.V. I need a good I.V. stat." He continued to check Starbuck. "This is not good. Tomatoan Insufficiency. No sign of Cocoan. A little trace of Banine." Salik looked at Bojay. "He missed his V8." Bojay sat in a chair along the wall. "No V8." The med tech returned with a grape I.V. and handed it to Salik. "Ah, good. A grape I.V. vine." From the other room, they heard: & "I heard you through the grape vine, baby." "Blast your way, and gimme wine." & "Grape ape. Grape ape. Not much longer and would you be mine?" "Oh, yes, you are such a big bad ape. Bomb your grapes on me. Cover me with wine." & "Oh and I am just about to lose my mind. Honey, honey, yeah." "You're going to lose more than your mind with me." Sheba let out a long whistle. Dr. Salik inserted the I.V, needle into Starbuck's arm. "YEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWW!" Starbuck sat up suddenly. "Doctor, you're supposed to heal me, not hurt me." From the other room, they heard Sheba sing: & "Skipper, hold me. Thrill me. And never let me go until you kiss me. Kiss me." With Apollo's response, "Your lips are so luscious, they can reignite my fire." & "Come on baby light my fire. Try to set the night on fire." "Baby, you're so groovy, my heart's an inferno." & "Burn baby burn! Disco Inferno. Burn baby Burn! Burn that viper down." "You need to shake me to cool my thrusting flame." & "I'm in love. I'm all shook up. Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah!" "And you're supposed to be out cold." Salik slapped Starbuck upside the head. "Oh yeah. Right." Starbuck fell back on the gurney and closed his eyes. He rubbed his head for a brief micron. "Quit slapping me." Cassiopea came bursting through the door. She ran by Bojay with even acknowledging his presence. Bojay mumbled, 'No V8." Cassiopea came to a screeching halt beside Salik and Starbuck. There were two lines of fire on the floor going back out the door. Starbuck felt the heat under his gurney, looked and saw an illusion of a 10 meteron high statue of Cassiopea in front of him. "Oh, what a glorious erection of a fine statue." Cassiopea feigned a look of worriment. "Doctor, what can I do to help?" Bojay started to nod off. "No V8." Part 74 - Carla Tigh sighed and leaned back in the hot-tub in the Womens' Barracks, watching Maga and the SBD clinking their drink tumblers with members of the Womens' Triad League. "Tigh!" Adama's voice carried across the chamber, "What in Hades are you doing in that hot tub, man! Belloby's on her way! I need you to intercept and stall her while we put a nice outfit on Baltar." "Yes, Sir," Tigh rose from the water to the 'oohs' and 'aahs' of the Womens' Triad League, and wrapped a towel around his midriff, to the 'noos' and 'aaws' of the Womens' Triad League, "I"m sorry, ladies, but duty calls," Tigh grabbed his uniform, which was neatly hanging on the handle of Maga's scythe. "Oooh, Skipper," Sheba's voice, as it emanated from the Unicom speaker, was increasing in pitch to a startling degree. "I thought I sent them down to the Life Station," Tigh muttered. "Salik's got them quarantined in a treatment room, but the communication relay was opened somehow, and nobody wants to go in there," Adama shook his head, "Those poor kids are going to be pretty sore in twenty days, Tigh." Tigh and Adama shared a serious expression, then began to sputter with pent up laughter, howling and slapping each other on the back in a delerium of hilarity. *** "Oh, Starbuck!," Cassiopeia cried in sympathy, as she gave the Lieutenant an injection in the arm, "It's alright. Doctor Wilker says that you're not affected the same way that Apollo and Sheba are. You should be fine in a matter of centons, my poor Baby." "Cassiopeia, wait!" Salik ran to stop her, arriving too late, "That was the wrong injector you just used." "It's just a mild stimulant, Doctor," Cassiopeia replied in confusion, "Both injectors are the same." "No, Cassiopeia," Salik's face was grim, "/This/ is the /mild/ stimulant," Salik held up the unused injector, "/That/," Salik gestured to the used injector in the med-tech's hand, "That is a powerful stimulant laced with pheromones. It's likely now that he'll wind up," Salik pointed to the hatchway that only slightly muffled the sounds of Sheba's and Apollo's frantic lovemaking, "In a matter on centons, he'll be like them. How long it will last, I can't be sure. Thank the Lords you've only given him half the dose. Wait! Cassiopeia, what are you doing?" "Making sure he doesn't suffer alone, Doctor!" Cassie cried as she injected herself with the remaining pheremones and lunged onto the treatment platform with Starbuck, "Don't worry, Bucky! I won't leave your side until this is all over! "Ooooh, Alpha Probe!" Sheba's voice, along with a loud crashing sound, reverberated throughout the Life Station, /and/ throughout the entire Fleet, "Long Range Sensors are picking up a big explosion coming your way, Baby!" Part 75 Forgotten again. Well, this time Baltar would use to his advantage. The Colonel had stalled off the Scythian Brothers of Doom with the excuse of Adama's cruel and unusual punishment of handing him over to Siress Belloby for a miserly 10 cubits. Oh, Adama would pay for that. He had trailed behind Bojay who was loaded with the inert Lieutenant Limpbuck and with Interdimensional Galactic Garglers, until Bojay had forgotten about his erstwhile prisoner. Hades, who could keep their mind on anything with the moaning and exclamations coming over the comline? "Alpha Probe requesting docking," Apollo's insistent voice rang over the comline throughout the corridor. "Oh, Lords," Baltar muttered. At some point human endurance had its limits no matter how chemically enhanced it was. "Now, Bucko, remember those. . . mmm. . . techniques I told you about?" Another woman's voice came over the comline. "The ones handed down from socialator to socialator?" "They won't be secrets for much longer if this keeps on." Baltar smirked. If he recalled properly, the ship's launch bay was down this corridor. "Yes, my dear, keep everyone hanging onto your every word." *** In the hot tub, the Women's Triad League began placing bets on who would last longer. Tigh hurried to finish fastening his tunic as he heard the dueling couples. "Commander, I don't know how this happened," Tigh said. "No doubt Starbuck is ensuring his reputation is not eclipsed by my son's -- er -- activities." Adama shook his head and then the suppressed laughter escaped once more. Part 76 - Carla Baltar stepped carefully off of the lift in Alpha Launch Bay, taking a careful look around. Smiling broadly, he moved toward the nearest shuttle, praying that the hatch was not locked. "Baltar! Oh, Baltar" Baltar whirled around, eyes wide, a look of horror moving over his face as he realized who it was that had interrupted his escape attempt. "Belloby! It's been yahrens! You haven't changed a bit! You're as lovely and charming as ever," Baltar smiled weakly and began to back toward the shuttle's main hatch control. "Blassie! Over here!" Belloby cried triumphantly, "I've found Baltar!" she looked him up and down, scowling slightly, "I know I only bid ten cubits, but they could have dressed you up a little better. Well, no matter! The luncheon isn't until tomorrow, anyway," Belloby leaned in close to whisper seductively into Baltar's ear, "Don't worry, Baltar. We'll get you out of that tatty old green suit before then." "Get your hands off of him, you overbearing hussy!" Athena from an irreconcilable parallel dimension cried, as she emerged through the opening hatch of the shuttle she had arrived in just centons earlier, identical to the one that she had landed beside right down to the designation number, "Back off! Like you just said, the luncheon isn't until tomorrow, your time! *** Wilker slowly became aware of consciousness returning as he rose stiffly from the deck behind the hot tub. He winced as he raised a hand to massage his jaw. Obviously, Colonel Tigh had been keeping up with his work- outs, if his right punch was any indication. "Ah! Doctor Wilker," Adama gestured for the scientist to join him where he and Tigh stood, ready to exit through the main hatchway, "there you are. I've been looking all over for you. Where have you been?" Wilker and Tigh exchanged careful glances as the scientist approached the other two men. "Adama," Tigh scowled angrily, "It's all Wilker's fault! If he hadn't been conducting these disgraceful experiments, with dangerous cannisters of unauthorized mutated pheromones, then Apollo and Sheba wouldn't be trapped in the Life Station, unable to control their urges!" The three men shared several microns of sidelong glances, then all three burst out laughing, tears running from their eyes as they struggled to control themselves. They had almost succeeded until . . . "Oooh, Strike Leader! Align those crosshairs with the target and fire at will!" At the sound of Sheba's voice, the laughter overtook them once again. *** "Starbuck!" Cassiopeia giggled as she and Starbuck fumbled their way desperately down the corridor, searching in vain for some place to get away from the Fleet wide broadcast of Apollo and Sheba in the throes of chemically enhanced passion, "There are no Unicom relays in here," she pressed the control panel beside the hatchway that she had indicated and pulled Starbuck playfully into the . . . Part 77 "I suppose if we separated them they wouldn't . . ." Wilker said, rubbing his jaw. It hurt more when he laughed. "Yes, Doctor?" Adama wiped tears from his eyes. "Their reactions are in part initiated by the pheromones of the other," Wilker explained. "It is the olfactory sense that detects pheromones. If we could remove the presence of their natural pheromones or block their olfactory systems, logically their sexual desire should decrease." "Coming around for another strafing run," Apollo declared over the Unicom. "And h-h-how do we do th-that?" Adama sputtered, trying to keep from laughing and to maintain some sort of gravitas. "Do you mean wash them down? Like daggits?" Tigh asked. The Women's Triad League, still in the hot tub, giggled. Adama lost it completely. *** Of course, there are no Unicom relays in here," Starbuck gasped as he revived, feeling renewed strength throughout his body and running his hands through Cassie's hair. "It's the storage closet." Despite that they could still hear Apollo's and Sheba's muffled voices through the door. Oh, Bucky, you're responding nicely to treatment," Cassie giggled. "I have an excellent med-tech." Starbuck shrugged off his jacket and dropped it on the floor. Unseen by either, a slender IFB microphone slid under the door. Zara didn't want to miss a moment of the action. *** "Umm. . . umm. . .what?" Baltar gaped at Athena as she pulled on his hand. "I thought you were married." "She is!" Belloby pulled sharply on his other hand, tugging him back to her. "To Boomer." "No, the Athena that belongs in this dimension is married to Boomer. I'm married to him." Athena smiled sweetly and pulled him back. He staggered a few steps in her direction, still not free from Belloby. "We are?!" Baltar gasped, his eyes wide. "How. . . how. . .did that happen?" "Look, you harlot, he's mine," Belloby insisted, yanking him back. "Harlot!" Athena's blue eyes flashed. "If anyone is a harlot, it's you." "Could we back up a bit?" Baltar pleaded, his arms feeling like they were being torn from his shoulders which, in a way, they were. He looked at Athena. "When did I sell my soul to be able to have you as my wife?" "Oh, my poor, Sire Frisky," Athena caressed his cheek with her free hand. "You must have amnesia." Part 78 - Carla "Hey, guys!" Reese cried as Council Security stormed Alpha Launch Bay, "It's Baltar, and he's got three female hostages! Oh, Lords! One of them is the Commander's daughter!" Reese could finally feel a potential promotion at hand. Saving the Commander's daughter from Baltar would surely be a personal coup for him. "Surrender, Baltar! Grab him quickly, before he drags those poor defenseless women off in that shuttle!" Reese paused as he noted the designation numbers on the two nearby shuttle craft, "I didn't know they were numbering them in pairs." *** "Oh, Cassie," Starbuck moaned with anticipation, "Are we going to be affected as severely as Apollo and Sheba?" he kissed her neck, oblivious to the microphone near his feet. "No, Bucky," Cassiopeia murmured seductively as she blew softly on his earlobe, "the effects might be long- lasting, but they won't be as, er, dramatic" "What? You mean Apollo gets turbo-charged and I cruise in on impulse?" Starbuck's voice became slightly petulant, "It's not fair. My tattoo /is/ bigger than Apollo's you know." "Yes, Bucky," Cassiopeia giggled, "I know." Out in the corridor, Zara smiled sweetly, inwardly debating which prime time slot to dedicate to Starbuck and his closet activities, /I think I'll put them right after the artist profile of Alpha Doodle. I wonder if we can get a live feed on Baltar's 'Battlestar in Crosshairs' tattoo?/ *** "You want me to what?" Salik was aghast at the reckless medical, and he used the term loosely, /treatment/ that Wilker, Tigh and Adama were suggesting he participate in. Sure, he was getting a throbbing headache from the Unicom feed, but still, using another of Wilker's untested compound on his patients seemed so irresponsible. "Oooh, Baby," Sheba's voice once more emanated from the Unicom speaker in the Life Station, "That's what I call precision piloting!" "Alpha Probe is ready to touch down, Core Command!" Apollo responded raggedly. There was a loud crash as Salik's desk gave way. "Emergency landing thrusters, Lieutenant!" "Just bring it in manually, Baby," Sheba moaned with abandon, "this is no time to veer off, Captain!" "It's very simple, Salik," Wilker said slowly, hefting a large pressurized cannister labelled, 'Not for Use on Humans', "When I say 'Go', you open the hatch to the treatment room and I'll hose them down with this compound. It's a prototype that should temporarily suppress their olfactory functions and reduce their ability to process the pheromones they've already been exposed to. At worst, they could wind up with a minor rash, but I would imagine that the chafing is already pretty severe. It /has/ been a few centaurs. They're bound to be in pretty rough shape, so let's get them wrapped up in some cool packs and into a couple of biopods as soon as the worst of the vapour clears. They'll have to stay in there for at least twenty centons until we've established that they've, uh, /calmed down/. We'll worry about getting the flourescent pigment off of their skin after they've regained their senses," Wilker glanced at the chronometer on the wall over Salik's office entrance, "Good Gods! The Triad practice has already started! Let's get moving. I'm this season's locker room medic for the new Women's League. Let's get the Captain and his wife cooled down and get down there! One of those players might need a rubdown!" "Alright, Wilker. We're ready over here!" Tigh bellowed from beyond the diagnostics station at the main entrance to the Life Station, where he and Adama were keeping a fair distance from the blast zone. He donned a pair of safety lenses and earplugs and handed Adama an identical set of each, "Let 'er rip!" "Oh Lords, I hope this works. Those poor kids have got to be on their last, er, /legs/ by now," Adama surpressed the urge to burst into gales of laughter and donned his glasses and earplugs, crouching behind the diagnostics station beside Tigh, wondering idly if Maga and the SBD were still in the hot-tub in the Womens' Barracks. /We'll have to do something about them after we find Baltar and get him a new outfit before Belloby asks for her ten cubits back. And I wonder where Athena has got to? Poor girl. I'll have to give her some attention when this is all over. Some days, it seems she does the work of at least two women!/ Part 79 It took a centon before it hit Starbuck like a viper slamming into the side of a quasar. "What do you mean you know? How do you know how small Apollo's tattoo is?" He was ready to throw her away from him, but held back, er really still held on to her. She whispered in Starbuck's ear. "I'm a med-tech. I know many things." "Yeah, well, you're also a socialator. I saw that big grin on your face when you said Apollo's tattoo." Cassiopea bit on his ear lobe and pulled. "I only smiled because I know you have a much bigger tattoo and a much better tattoo." "Oh!" Starbuck relaxed. But only for a micron. "So, so, so..." He couldn't spit it out exactly. "So, you know and you've seen Apollo's tattoo. You looked real good at it, did you? You, ah, took a close-up inspection of it, did you? Didn't you?" Cassiopea giggled. Her pheromones were in full force. She whispered in a very sexy tone, "I even saw Adama's tattoo. I'll tell you all about it." Starbuck fainted. Part 80-Lisa "Med team coming through!" They rushed back into the Life Station with Starbuck's inert form on a hoverstretcher. Cassie ran alongside, running her hand up his thigh and a biomonitor over his pelvis. "What is it? What happened?" Salik asked, pushing his way in beside her. "Testosterone Storm!" Gasps of horror filled the Life Station. "Can we save him, Doctor?" Cassie asked, raking her hands through Starbuck's hair. "I'm not sure, Cassie . . ." Salik replied, his face deadly serious. "I've never seen this before. We don't usually subject our warriors to hormone replacement or deletion therapy. I just knew this was a mistake!" He looked up at the ceiling. "Lords of Kobol, what have we done?" Part 81- Carla "Athena!" Bojay cried, shoving his way past Reese and the other Security Officers, rushing to stand beside Baltar, "Wait, there's been a terrible mix-up!" "I thought you were in Life Station with Starbuck?" Baltar scooted quickly away from Belloby's outstretched hands, seeing that she had a tape measure and several velour colour swatches, "You sure sobered up fast! Don't think for a micron that I'm going to let you put me in the brig for the night and then hand me over to these, er," Baltar moved to stand behind Athena, smiling weakly at Belloby and Blassie, "these /lovely/ ladies." "No, Baltar, you don't understand. I'm Sum Bojay. You've got amnesia. I've got to get you back before the Baltar that the drunken Bojay . . . " "What do you mean you're just some Bojay?" Athena stared at the Silver Spar Squadron member in confusion, "Why do I have the urge to marry you? "I thought you said you were married to me? Or was that Boomer?" Baltar cried in even more confusion. "Where am I? Who am I?" A second Baltar stumbled off of the lift, colliding with several of the stunned Council Security Officers and stopping to stare open-mouthed at the Baltar behind Athena. "Oops, never mind," Sum Bojay laughed weakly in embarrassment, grabbing the amnesiac Baltar and crying, "Doctor, hurry!" "Doctor Who?" Irreconcilable Athena asked with a furrowed brow. "Exactly!" Bojay said with at smile, "Never mind, it's a mania thing and, well, I gotta go now. Good luck with that marrying Baltar thing, though I've got to tell you, I think you should give Virtually Stupid Bojay a chance. Think it over!" he waved as he and Baltar disappeared from view on the rising lift. Suddenly, there was a loud undulating screech, then silence, then the sound of Apollo's voice, and then Sheba's, over the Unicom. "Mission accomplished, Lieutenant, you naughty, AAAAH! Doctor Wilker! Turn that thing off! What the . . . Hey! That's cold!" "Doctor Wilker, what are you, OUCH! Hey, that /is/ cold. Where's all this vapour coming from? What's in the bio-pod? Why am I orange? What the . . . " the Unicom was suddenly silent. "Well," Baltar scanned the launch bay and grabbed Irreconcilable Athena's arm, "Maybe that's the last interuption. Maybe now we can get the Hades out of . . . " "And now," Zara's voice suddenly rang out over the Unicom, "An IFB exclusive Report! A recording of Lieutenant Starbuck's closet turbo-thrusting tattoo envy confession, made to his med-tech lover centons before his collapse from a severe Testosterone Storm. Does this have something to do with unconfirmed reports that Captain Apollo and Lieutenant Sheba have finally been neutralized after their long, hot, steamy, er, my . . . Zeke . . . is it warm in here, or is it me? What? Uh, yes, well, as I was saying, the Captain and his wife have now been neutralized, bringing an end their inhuman soft porn reign of terror over the ears and libidos of the people of the Colonial Fleet and bundled into bio-pods in the Life Station! More breaking news to follow, as it happens in medical complex. We now return to the highlights of the Women's Triad League Practice. Standing in for Coach Starbuck is Maga, and his cheer squad, known only as the enigmatic SBD. Go Team!" Part 82 "Hit 'em high. Hit 'em low. Knock out their brains. They won't know." The Scythian Brothers of Doom chanted. On the Triad Court, the Women's League warmed up for practice. Fresh from the hot tub, they looked well scrubbed and ready to go. The new uniforms set off their attributes quite nicely. Zeke smiled approvingly and zoomed in with the IFB vidcam. *** "Oh, my, I --er-- /he/ looked really bad there," Baltar said to Athena. "What happened to me in that dimension?" "Iblis," she said, leading him to the shuttle. "Enough said." "Where do you think you're going?" Belloby's voice rang out. She and Blassie followed after them. "Yes, think of the orphans," Blassie added. "Think of /us/." "I am, I am," Baltar said, thinking about his fate in their hands. He wouldn't even wish that fate on Adama, or would he? He stopped and smiled, his dark eyes gleaming wickedly. "Ladies," he turned, grinning, "I have been informed of most fortuitous news regarding your generous support of those in need." "Which is? Don't try to wiggle out of this one. I pledged good cubits for you." Belloby rested her hands on her hips. "I own you. Well, temporarily anyway." She smirked and glanced at Blassie who returned her smile. "Yes, and we want our money's worth." Blassie insisted, in a more refined but, nevertheless, firm way. "And you shall have it, ladies," Baltar purred. Behind him Athena stifled a giggle, watching the master politician in action. "I have been told by a very reliable source," he paused to glance at Athena, "that no less than Commander Adama would like to honour you for your noble endeavours. He has reserved a private suite aboard the _Rising Star_ and would like your company for dinner." "Really?" Belloby asked skeptically. "Yes," Baltar said, leaning towards them as if imparting a secret, "and he has agreed to donate 100 cubits to your worthy cause." "How generous of him," Blassie said. "But you mustn't say anything before then." "Why not?" "And make the other women envious? Ladies, that would be cruel." Baltar gave them a look of mock sorrow. "That would be so unbecoming of you." "But it would be fun," Belloby said and laughed. "Now, if you'll excuse us," Baltar nodded and returned to Athena. They strolled over to the shuttle she had arrived in. "That was mean," Athena said, although not very sternly. "To who? Adama or the Ladies?" "Oh, you're returning to yourself." Athena bounced a bit on her toes and kissed him. "Why do you think that?" He asked, following her into the shuttle. "Wilker thinks it's due to the dimensions. That the longer you or anyone from our dimension stays here, the more they will act like the resident counterpart. It also has something to do with being around people from the home dimension. That's why I had to pick you up." "Please, do," he grinned and she laughed, "before I succumb to the overpowering urge to cackle like some half- mad villain and you marry Boomer or Bojay or someone else. How did I get here anyway?" "Wilker was displaying his contraption that showed the dimensions or various possible universes and when he showed us this one, you were pulled in." "Whatever for?" "Apparently, this dimension has been without its Baltar for too long --at least that's what Wilker thinks-- so it kidnapped you. He says it has something to do with trying to restore equilibrium." *** In one of the Life Station's bio-pods, Apollo succumbed to the most blissful relaxation he had ever known. He knew he would be sore the next day. . .and the next. . .and the next, but it had been worth it. Even the fluorescent orange pigment was tolerable. He just wished he had one of Starbuck's fumarellos. *** "Do you think Apollo and Sheba know about their Unicom transmission?" Wilker asked as he picked up his gear for his duties as the Women's Triad League medic. "If they don't, they soon will," Adama answered with a crooked smile. "Doctor, you can't leave Starbuck like this!" Cassiopeia pleaded. Starbuck was still on the hoverstretcher, unresponsive to her caresses, and if he didn't respond to the attentions of a socialator who had been at the top of her class, it was serious. "Ask Salik," Wilker called over his shoulder as he ran for the door. "The Women's Triad League needs me!" "Doctor Salik?" Cassie asked. Adama and Tigh also turned to Salik. "What shall we do?" Part 83 - Carla "Doctor Salik," Tigh peered into the clouded transparent tylium of the biopods the contained the Captain and his wife, "It's been more than twenty centons. Is it time to let them out of there?" "We'll give it a try, Colonel," Salik dropped the injector that he had emptied into Cassiopeia's arm and hoisted the now unconscious med-tech onto a nearby treatment platform, "Hopefully, the pheromones will have lost the worst of their effect by the time she regains consciousness. I don't need her pawing my patient when I begin the bio-chemical stabilizing treatment," the Doctor glanced over at the team that was working busily over a still prone Starbuck, and then pressed a control pad on the side of the nearest bio-tube, helping the dazed, but conscious Apollo to walk deliberately to a nearby chair, "Stay right there until your body temperature returns to normal, young man." "Sheba," Apollo croaked dryly. "I'm reviving her now, Captain. Just relax." "Father?" Apollo leaned back in the chair, looking up into Adama's face as the older man put a hand on his son's shoulder, struggling to maintain an air of dignity. "Son, are you, uh, back to /normal/?" Adama cleared his throat, finding it difficult not to be distracted by flourescent orange pigment that stained Apollo's skin, "What I mean to say is, uh . . . " "It's alright, Father," Apollo said dully as he watched Sheba being helped from the other bio-tube by Doctor Salik and Colonel Tigh, "Even if we felt like it, I don't think we could," the Captain smiled weakly, "at least we managed to make it to Life Station before a repeat of the broadcast from Colonel Tigh's quarters. Father, I'm so sorry about all the embarrassment. Colonel, I'm sorry about your desk, Sir." "Captain," Tigh coughed thoughtfully as he helped Sheba to another nearby chair, "Um, I'm afraid that the entire, er, /performance/ was heard by everyone within earshot of a Unicom speaker. The relay in Salik's treatment room was, uh, wide open." There was total silence as Apollo and Sheba regarded one another, each flinching as they recalled the events of the last few centaurs, then becoming distracted, each by the appearance of the other. Both of them had been unceremoniously swaddled in large medical tunics after being sprayed with the experimental chemical by Wilker. They had then been bundled into the bio-tubes, where the orange pigmentation from the compound in Wilker's pressurized cannister appeared to have become a deeper shade approaching the brown end of the spectrum. Suddenly, Adama, Tigh and Salik all began to sputter with uncontrolled laughter, leaning on various surfaces of the Life Station for support as they guffawed and wiped the tears from their eyes, struggling for breath, only to break into more gales of laughter with every glance at the colour and condition of Apollo and Sheba. The young couple eyed one another with outright shock and embarrassment, then slowly began to give in to the contagion of the other officers' amusement, joining in on the laughter, wincing in pain from various scrapes, bruises and friction related injuries. "Oh Lords!" Starbuck's voice carried a tone of obvious disorientation from the other side of the chamber, "Close the blast doors! I'm late for Triad practice." "Triad practice," Sheba clutched the large tunic to preserve what modesty she could muster, as she rose stiffly to her feet, then froze in obvious discomfort and sat down carefully, "I don't think I'll be making the first few games." "Adama!" Belloby cried as she and Blassie rushed through the main entrance, "We're here to give you your hundred cubits worth! Baltar said you wanted to take us out to dinner on the Rising Star a day early! Does this mean we're still on for tomorrow's double date after the luncheon as well?" "Baltar," Adama said quietly, his laughter now gone, replaced with a stoic look of determination, "Where is he now?" "He's holed up in a shuttle on Alpha Landing Bay with your daughter. When we left, the Council Security Officers were getting ready to storm the shuttle before they could close the hatch," Blassie's words made Adama's blood run cold. "Athena!" the Commander cried, sharing a look of horror with a bright orange Apollo. "Yes, Father?" Virtually Stupid Athena, Boomer and Boxey entered the Life Station, Muffit close on their heels, "We came as soon as we heard over the Unicom that the Strike Leader and the naughty Lieutenant here had ended their maneuvers," she regarded her brother and his wife with an incongruous mixture of disgust and admiration, "Before the big special comes out on the IFB, we thought you might like to explain to Boxey why we had to shut down learning period and hustle the kids to a Unicom free area in the commissary kitchen cooler. The poor things have been freezing their little pogees off in order to avoid being psychologically damaged by your, uh, /behaviour/." "Dad! Sheba!" Boxey ran forward and leaped into Apollo's arms, evoking a loud exhalation of pain from the Captain, "Why are you guys orange?" "Sire Alpha Doodle's going to be mad if you've ruined your tattoos before the fundraiser luncheon tomorrow," Boomer murmured as he studied the Captain's and then Sheba's face, "I'm glad Starbuck got the images on the calendars before you guys got gassed with those pheromones," he flinched, and attempted a cheerful smile, as Apollo and Sheba glowered orangely at him, "Come on guys, think of the orphans!" *** "That's it girls," Maga roared and blew into the whistle that hung from a string around his muscular neck, "Keep those long, supple arms and legs moving! Do it for the kids!" "Ooh, a little more to the right," Brie gasped in relief as Wilker worked a kink out of her shoulder with a well placed elbow, "Doctor, do you think Baltar will be watching the game?" *** "Baltar!" Reese hollered at the still open hatch to the shuttle, "Surrender the Commander's daughter and nobody has to get hurt!" "Hurry, close the hatch. Get the thrusters going," Baltar urged as Irreconcilable Athena fumbled in frustration with the controls. "Damn, it's jammed!" she punched the console in frustration, then turned and kissed Baltar encouragingly, "Go back there and stall them until I can get the hatch closed and the main energizer back on-line. Don't worry, my darling Baltar, I'll get you back home and covered with chocolate syrup, if it's the last thing I do!" "Not so fast" Irreconcilable Athena and Baltar turned in shock to see /another/ Baltar emerge from the cargo area of the shuttle, "You've got the wrong one, my dear! /I'm/ the real Irreconcilable Baltar!" "Then that means that I'm . . . " the other Baltar spoke with an air of desperate confusion, gazing longingly at Irreconcilable Athena's lovely, equally confused, face. "Yes," responded the other Baltar, "/You/ are Virtually Stupid! Get away from my wife, you treacherous, but incredibly handsome, villian!" Part 84 One moment, in blissful oblivion, the next he awoke . . . a man with a mission. Starbuck hurled himself from the biostretcher, leaping to his feet and making a break for the corridor. He had to set it right. All this time had passed, and no one had even noticed. "Starbuck! Stop!" Voices called from behind him, and he knew they'd be hot on his tail vapours. But he couldn't let them catch him. He had to make amends . . . "Lieutenant! Halt! That's an order!" Starbuck risked a glance over his shoulder. There were a couple of . . . orange Beings chasing him. He did a double take, almost tripping before he regained his balance. He tore around a corner, almost losing traction, and that was when he noticed he wasn't wearing his boots. "Starbuck!" In a milli-centon he had slipped into a storage compartment, pulling it shut until he could peer through the small slit, affording him a view. His chest pounded in his chest, the beating resounding through his skull . . . he held his breath as the two orange Beings ran by, turning the next corner. For a few microns he waited, listening to the sound of their footfalls retreating in the distance. Then he threw the compartment open again, and headed for the Triad Courts. * * * * * "How in Hades hole did we lose him?" Apollo asked in dismay, looking around desperately.. "I don't know. He gave us the slip somehow." Sheba replied, letting out a deep breath and then turning to face her husband. "Wait a centon! The last thing I heard Starbuck say in the Life Station was something about being late for Triad practice." "The courts?" Apollo asked. "Let's go!" Sheba replied. "Uh . . . " The captain grabbed his wife's arm. "Wait a centon. Zeke is at the Triad Courts with an IFB vid- cam. Are you sure you want to storm in there, especially now that we're orange?" "Apollo!" Sheba said sternly. "He's your best friend. Dr. Salik said he didn't know how Starbuck would react to the therapy, but obviously he's delirious. Now I know it could be a little embarrassing being caught on the IFB dyed orange, but seeing as how we've already reaching an acme in potential embarrassing moments . . ." "I see what you mean, wife." Apollo replied grimly, then his lips twitched slightly. "Alright, Lieutenant. Launch. Full turbos!" "Aye, aye, Skipper!" Sheba laughed as the two turned around and headed back to the Triad Courts. * * * * * The Lady's Triad team, the Scythian Brotherhood of Doom, Dr. Wilker . . . and him. Starbuck waited, heat suffusing his face, his body, as he drew closer and closer . . . If it was the last thing Starbuck did, he was going to set this straight. He owed it to . . . Ah! Almost there. Starbuck crouched down, his body tensing to spring. Every sense was attuned to those final footsteps. The warrior bared his teeth, lurching forward as the vic-cam-man passed by. He knocked him to the ground, throwing his vid-cam across the court, watching it break into pieces. Then he grabbed Zeke by the throat as he straddled his body. "What have you done with Zed?" Starbuck screamed hoarsely, his eyes wild. "And who in Hades half hectare is Zeke?" "Time out!" cried Maga as two orange people came running into the courts. Part 85 - Carla "Get those sex maniacs off the court before they start spouting piloting euphemisms again!" Maga roared, blowing his whistle and gesturing for assistant coach Bojay to intercept Apollo and Sheba. Bojay rushed forward, grasping Sheba's jacket sleeve with one hand and holding his throbbing head with the other. "Sheba! Apollo! Why are you orange, and how did you get over to the Rising Star so fast?" Bojay asked, squinting at Sheba and the Captain, "I don't suppose you have a V8 on you?" "You don't understand!" Zed cried in terror, struggling under Starbuck's ferron grip, "I'm not Zeke! Zeke is Virtually Stupid and, oh never mind! Get Irreconcilable Baltar to explain it to you!" "Starbuck!" Apollo lunged across the court, tackling his wingman in an expert martial arts maneuver that he'd never tried before, slamming himself inadvertantly into the far wall of the Triad Court and slumping to the floor, leaving a bright orange streak on the wall. "Apollo!" Sheba shook free of Bojay's grasp and rushed to help her husband to his feet. "I don't know who you are, but I'm not going down without a fight!" Starbuck snarled as Zed rolled away desperately, colliding with the SBD, who were just completing a human pyramid, which collapsed on top of the unfortunate news man in a heap of scythes and black robes. Starbuck grabbed the Triad ball from Deitra's hands and rushed back out into the corridor, his thoughts jumbled in a rush of chemical enhancement, /I've got to score! It's for the kids!/ He ran down the corridor toward the command centre of the Rising Star, Bojay's words ringing in his ears, /how /did/ I get over to the Rising Star so fast?/ *** "Baltar, this is your last chance," Reese cried, "Surrender your hostage, or we storm the shutt . . . " Reese's voice trailed off in horror as his brain tried to process what he saw before him in the open hatchway of the shuttle, not one, but /two/ Baltars stood before him, one holding the other by the throat. "No! Let him go! Irreconcilable Athena cried furiously, forcing herself between the two Baltars, "I love him, and I've got to get him home before he becomes eee-vil like you!" she paused and blinked awkwardly at the alleged Virtually Stupid Baltar, "No offense intended." "What in Hades?" Everyone froze at Boomer's voice and looked toward the lift as it lowered to reveal Boomer, followed by Virtually Stupid Athena, Boxey, Muffit, Adama, Tigh and Salik. Boomer blinked, his gaze moving back and forth between the two Athenas. "It's /his/ fault," the two Baltars hollered simultaneously, each pointing at the other and then beginning to slap at one another like two little girls. *** Cassiopeia struggled to consciousness, feeling a strong arm beneath her, helping her up slowly from the treatment platform in Life Station where Salik had deposited her sleeping form. "Wh, who are you? Where's my poor Bucky?" she slurred, still groggy from the sedative that Salik had administered, yet still wildly hot for Starbuck from the pheromones that she had administered to herself. "My name is Ama. I'm from . . . well never mind that now. The important thing is that we have to stop Starbuck and give him this noxious home remedy that I have prepared. You must help me, or Empyrean Starbuck may be sucked into Wilker's machine and trapped here until after tomorrow's luncheon, and /your/ Starbuck will be, well, let's just say that it will be bad!" Part 86 "Oh, Lords, as if one wasn't bad enough," Adama moaned, hand over his eyes. When he lowered it and looked again, the two Baltars were still there, studying each other warily having decided a slap fight wasn't going to solve the problem. Adama looked at Athena standing in the shuttle doorway and then at Athena standing next to Boomer. "Pardon my asking," Boomer asked his wife, "but whatever did you see in him?" He pointed to a Baltar at random. "How should I know? Why are you asking me?" His Athena was obviously as confused as the others. "Well, you /are/ the person who would have the most insight." Boomer shrugged and smiled. "At least, do you know which one is the eee-vil twin?" "Wrrr?" Muffit cocked his head as he scanned the room. "Don't worry, Muffy," Boxey petted his daggit's head. "It's all just a bad dream." He looked up at Adama "Grandpa, do daggits dream?" "This isn't a dream; it's a nightmare," Tigh muttered. "It often is when Wilker is involved," Salik said. *** "Starbuck, give us back the ball!" Dietra yelled, in hot pursuit. Behind her ran the Women's Triad League, Wilker, Apollo and Sheba, and the Scythian Brotherhood of Doom. "I don't care what your name is," Zara ordered the vidcam operator, "DON'T LOSE THEM!" Through the viewfinder, there was a confusion of scantily clad women, their medic, two of the _Galactica's_ most renowned warriors covered in orange pigment, and a small mob in black robes. /Dear Sagan, help me,/ Starbuck thought. /They're after me!! I can't let them catch me. I have to score!/ *** "There's another Starbuck?" Cassie asked, still groggy. "I know he gets around more than one man should, but. . ." "That's why we must find him before - " Ama broke off as, in the corridor, a stampede ran past the Life Station. "There he is --er-- goes!" Ama pulled Cassie towards the door. *** "I've got it!" Irreconcilable Athena cried. "What?" Baltar said, and then glared at the other. He was beside himself in more ways than one. "You're already succumbing to this dimension. We have to get my Baltar out of here before he turns irreconcilably eee-vil." She smiled and ordered in her best school instructor's voice. "Okay, guys, strip." "Now?" The two Baltars cried in unison. "This isn't the time to play find the battlestar in the crosshairs!" Part 87- Senmut God looked down at the whole swirling mess that the BSG universe had become, and sighrd. He looked over at RDM, who was stirring a pot full of characters, euphemism, plot points, and a generous helping of madness, and sighed again. "Are you through?" asked God. "Well, I have some more imagination to add, and..." "Cool it, RD," said God. "You have the imagination of a strung-out sea slug! Either get things back to where they should be or..." God leaned close. "Yes?" "Or I will!" Gulp! Part 87.5 Meanwhile, off in the "Galacticamania"verse, the Guardian of the Ar'kinlans' Galaxy, often called the Goddess, cast a skeptical, cosmic eye over RDM's recreation of the "Galactica" universe and shook her head. /No, This Simply Will Not Do./ she reflected. /I Know Just The Thing.../ * Aboard a black ship, a strange, piratical female brooded, looking for excitement. Typically, when Black Squadron was bored, all manner of beings came to unfortunate ends. She blinked and reached for a console, called up some information, idly wondered why this idea had come into her head. She gave some orders; her ship told its home universe to frack off and disappeared elsewhere in a surreal warping of the fabric of space and time. * The Goddess chuckled to herself. A powerful, deep voice manifested in her mind, called her by her actual name, and she came to attention immediately to acknowledge her supreme commander. //Tell Me, Child. Tell Me You Did Not Just Send Jakarla After RDM's Crew.// //Well, Lord, I Heard You Tell Him To Stop, But I've Seen What He's Like. Besides, I'm Protecting *My* People. The Farther Away Black Squadron Is >From Them, The Better.// //Shame On You. He Had One More Season Planned.// //Perhaps Not Now, Lord...// There was another cosmic sigh. //That *Is* One Less Problem. Thank You.// //Thank *You*, Lord.// Part 88 - Carla "How did we get back on the Galactica?" Wilker cried in confusion as he ran along the corridor in the midst of the members of the Women's Triad League, wondering idly if he'd remembered to warn Apollo and Sheba to stay away from bright lights until the orange pigment had been fully removed from the surface of their skin. "Bring back that ball!" Maga blew his whistle and reached for his bola belt, "Don't make me turn this into a Blood Trail!" "Zed!" Zara yelled from the back of the running crowd, "Get some coverage of the orange sex maniacs for the late edition, and don't lose sight of Lieutenant Starbuck! That's the only Triad ball in the Fleet!" "I have to score!" Starbuck cried in agony as confused images collided with one another in his testosterone saturated brain, "Hey? How did I get back to the Galactica so fast? "Wait!" Back aboard the Rising Star, Bojay ran out of the Triad Court and into the corridor, "Where did everybody go? The practice isn't over yet." *** "Boomer!" Virtually Stupid Athena said with annoyance, "For the last time, I am /not/ attracted to Baltar," she glanced toward the shuttle where Irreconcilable Athena still stood, wedged tightly between the two Baltars, "Neither one of him!" "Never mind that now!" Belloby called as she and Blassie stepped from the lift, rushing forward to join Adama and the others, "There's a lynch mob of some kind chasing Lieutenant Starbuck down the corridors of the Galactica, and he's got our only Triad ball! If anything happens to that ball, how will we start the tournament tomorrow? What will the orphans do?" Belloby paused as Blassie suddenly giggled, staring speculatively at the two Baltars and Irreconcilable Athena. "Which /is/ the Baltar with the 'Battlestar in Crosshairs' tattoo?" she asked as she and Belloby raised their eyebrows, both women seeing the fundrainsing opportunity before them. "It's for the orphans!" Belloby said firmly, and smiled broadly at the two Baltars. "Now, just a centon!" Irreconcilable Athena said with a scowl. *** "Quickly, Cassiopeia!" Ama cried, "We must head Starbuck off and get this remedy into him!" "It's alright," the med-tech responded, her head beginning to clear, "I know a shortcut. Let's go!" Part 89 Cassie hurried her way through the corridors of the _Galactica_ with Ama following closely behind. Briefly Cassie wondered why she was accepting this newcomer's words, but something about the woman's attitude made her words convincing. If anything could help her Starbuck, Cassie had to take that chance. *** /Where am I?/ It was a struggle for Starbuck to think as everything around him seemed so warped. /This was the _Galactica_, isn't it?/ As he ran, he looked at familiar corridors, slowing a bit. /He hadn't been to the _Rising Star_, had he?/ Suddenly he heard people behind him, shouting and threatening and as the words "blood trail" uttered by a Borellian Nomen sank into his brain, he desperately increased his pace and turned at the corrider's next junction. He had to score. The orphans were depending on him! Unhindered, Starbuck had nimbly changed directions while the assorted group behind him had not practiced this maneuver. The hems of black robes were trod upon by Triad players, Sheba snagged her tunic on Wilker's medic gear, and Zed, vision limited, overshot the corner. At Zara's demands he frantically dashed back, trying to refocus the vidcam, only to crash into Maga. The resulting pileup was talked about for yahrens and became one of the most requested clips on the IFB's _Warrior Screw-ups and Fleetwide Practical Jokes_. *** "Frak, I've got to cut back on those Interdimensional Galactic Garglers." Bojay looked at the _Rising Star's_ vacant Triad Court." Maybe we were supposed to meet on the _Galactica's_ /practice/ Triad Court. . ." *** Adama and crew watched in horrified fascination as Belloby and Blassie marched across the deck and onto the shuttle's gangplank. "All right, which one of you is it?" She demanded and with all the subtlety of a Boray, yanked off one of the Baltars' belt and tugged at his pants. "Blassie, you check the other one." Even Irreconcilable Athena between the two Baltars seemed frozen by the sheer audacity of Belloby. "Get your hands off me!" The Baltar accosted by Belloby snapped and pushed her away. Blassie and the other Baltar paused regarding each other suspiciously. "What is with the ship?" The first one glared at Adama. "First you have pornographic audio transmissions and now women trying to. . . to . . . to get into my pants!" "Oh, knock it off, sweetheart." Belloby dismissed his protests. "It's not like you're the prime bovine-cake." "Well, I've just about had enough of this!" Irreconcilable Athena pulled out her laser pistol. "Get away from him --both of him-- now!" "What? Are you thinking of having a three-way?" Belloby asked, grinning, although she did retreat, as did Blassie. There was something about this Athena that made any resistance unthinkable. "No! I want my husband back and /only/ him. You can have the other one." She turned to the two Baltars. "Now, off with it," she commanded. The two men looked at each other and shrugged. It didn't pay to argue with an angry spouse holding a laser pistol. They both started to unfasten their pants. "No, not the pants. The tunics." Irreconcilable Athena ordered, a trace of exasperation in her voice. She noticed one pause, a flicker of recognition in his dark eyes. She was fairly sure it hadn't been the one that had appeared from the back of the shuttle. He unfastened his tunic enough to slip one shoulder free and revealed a long and nasty scar down his back. She grabbed the other's loosened tunic and pulled the back down. Just as she thought, no hint of an injury from taking the bolt of a laser pistol. She pushed him down the gangplank. "All right, ladies," she announced, "he's yours. This one is mine." She pulled her Baltar into the shuttle and with her pistol warned off Reese and anyone else with ideas. "We're leaving before things get any stranger." She turned to her husband. "Besides /you/ have some unfinished business with that idiot Melicertes." Across the bay, Boomer watched the shuttle's door close and heard the engines engage. He looked at his dazed wife. "I didn't know you had it in you. Remind me to never make you angry." "You heard her," Belloby announced triumphantly as she seized the remaining Baltar. "You're mine! Now let's see that battlestar in the crosshairs!" Part 90-Lisa Starbuck banked right as he hurled around the corner, reducing thrust ever so slightly so he wouldn't lose it . . . He could do it. He had to for the kids. That was when he slammed into . . . Dazed, he sat up holding his head, snarling at the other, "Watch where you're going!" "Hey, I was just minding my own business, pal. You're the one that . . . holy frack!" The two men looked at each other in incredulity. Two Starbucks! Starbuck threw himself on the other, knocking him back to the floor, gripping him by the flight jacket. "Who the Hades are you?" "Hey, don't get beside yourself, Double Double." The other responded, an irresistably charming smile stretching across his features. "I'm you. You're me. Oh, so happy now we're going to be . . . uh . . . never mind the rest. Just a jaunty tune an Astronut taught me." Then the affable smile changed ever so slightly, and two fingers shot into Starbuck's eyes. Starbuck rolled off the not-as-charming-as-he-had-momentarily-thought warrior, and gasped in pain. Suddenly, an arm was around his neck and he was being jerked to his feet. "C'mon, buddy. We have a date with an Empyrean Necromancer and Rhiamon's home remedy. I'll give you a little warning. If you see anything sharp, run for your life's blood. They're a bit funny that way." * * * * * "Ama, this home remedy . . . what is it exactly?" Something about the woman's wild hair, her gaped tooth smile, and her animal skin clothing sort of unsettled a professional med tech . . . especially when they were searching for her man to administer this cure-all to. "Oh, it's not exactly traditional, dear heart, but Rhiamon and Chef Tigger assure me that not only will it work, but it will taste scrump-dilly-icious!" Ama smiled, holding up a three-tiered platter of . . . cookies. "Cookies?" Cassie asked. "Why, of course, Cassiopeia!" Ama returned. "Rhiamon and Chef Tigger have been baking up a storm on the Bakery Ship. Why must all treatments involve blood letting and mystical spells, after all?" "Uh . . . they don't, Ama." "Really? Heaven forbid." Part 91 - Carla "Stop! Get away from that tattoo!" A tall, blonde man rushed gracefully from the lift, forcing his way between Adama and Tigh and pointing a long arachon - like finger at Belloby. "Who are you?" Belloby regarded the newcomer speculatively, affording Baltar the opportunity to run behind Virtually Stupid Athena and attempt to use her as a human sheild. "/I/," the newcomer paused dramatically, causing the assemblage to lean forward in tense curiosity, "I am Alpha Doodle! I am the artist who created that work of art, and I won't have you revealing it until after the luncheon tomorrow. I was planning on autographing it after Adama's speech!" "Get away from me, Baltar!" Athena cried, struggling out of his grasp, as Boomer grabbed the villian by the yoke of his tatty green tunic and slammed him up against the wall. "This is /my/ Athena, Baltar," Boomer snarled, "Go get your own, you freak!" Suddenly, a confused mass of humanity emerged from the access hatch into Alpha Launch Bay, sweeping Boomer and Baltar into a collision with Reese and the Council Security Officers. "Starbuck!" Boomer cried, then blinked and peered upward from where he had fallen, "Am I seeing double? Hey, what's the Triad ball doing here? Isn't it the only one we've got?" "I have to score!" one of the Starbuck's cried, as a still orange Apollo shouldered his way past Maga and the Women's Triad League and attempted to tackle his wingman with another untested martial arts maneuver, missing by a metron and inadvertantly slamming himself into a nearby bulkhead, leaving a flourescing orange streak in his wake. "Apollo!" Sheba cried, as she rushed to help him up, "For Sagan's sake! Will you stop trying to do those martial arts maneuvers? You're going to hurt yourself!" "Uh" Apollo regained his balance, leaning on his wife for support, "Oh my God!" he pointed over Sheba's shoulder, "There are two of them!" "Starbuck! Baby!" Cassiopeia screamed in desire as she and Ama tackled Virtually Stupid Starbuck and began stuffing cookies into his mouth, causing the Triad ball to bounce wildly toward the nearby group of Scythian Brothers of Doom. "Tell me you've got this on the live feed, Zed!" Zara cried urgently, as she backed over Muffit and fell to the floor, causing another pile-up of the SBD. A loud 'pop' was heard as everyone froze and turned to see the now deflated Triad ball hanging limply from the blade of the nearest SBD member's scythe." "Way to go, duplicate Starbuck!" Belloby hissed, "Now what will the orphans do?" "Belloby!" Blassie's voice cut through the sounds of confusion in the landing bay, evoking a momentary silence, "We can still carry on with the fundraising effort!" Blassie turned to Baltar, who lay pinned under Maga several metrons across the large chamber, "Do you think you can make that 'Battlestar in Crosshairs' dance?" "AAAH!" everyone turned as Apollo and Sheba cried out in shock, vapourous smoke beginning to rise from the orange streaks on their hands and faces. "Get that vid-cam light off of them," Wilker screamed at Zed, grabbing Baltar's tunic and throwing it over Apollo's and Sheba's faces, "the flourescent orange pigment is photo-senstitive. We've got to get them into the dark and scrape the pigment off of them before they suffer an unsightly burn." "Cassiopeia?" Virtually Stupid Starbuck gazed longingly up into a slowly refocussing haze of blonde hair and blue eyes, "Can I have another cookie, please?" A shuttle suddenly landed, the hatch opening, to reveal a breathless Bojay with a Triad ball clutched in his hands, "Hey, guys! I found the spare Triad balls! They were in the . . ." his words trailed off as he scanned the group in the landing bay, his gaze coming to rest on the two Starbucks, one on the deck with a mouthful of cookies, the other holding a communication device in his hand, "Did I miss something?" "Dayton," the standing Starbuck hissed into the device, "Ama and I need you to meet us at the rendezvous point before, uh," Empyrean Starbuck shot a worried glance at Tigh and Adama, "/you know/," he shot another worried glance at a chemically amourous Cassiopeia and backed away as she stood and began to advance toward him. He hissed into the device once more, 'Quick, we need more cookies! Part 92 - Carla "What in Hades is going on here?" Colonel Tigh cried as he grabbed the Triad ball from Bojay and took in the scene before him, shaking his head as his eyes registered the sight of the two Starbucks in Alpha Landing Bay, one prone and chewing frantically on cookies with oddly shaped brown chunks of a sticky material in them, the other standing nearby the first, speaking urgently and quietly into a communication device. "Colonel, Sir," the Starbuck with the communication device in his hand gestured to Ama with a tilt of his head, indicating the shuttle that had remained undisturbed while Irreconcilable Athena's shuttle had left, and Virtually Stupid Bojay's had landed. Ama nodded, slowly moving away from Virtually Stupid Testosterone Stormed Starbuck and Virtually Stupid Pheromone Enhanced Cassiopeia. "It's like this, Sir," Starbuck backed toward the shuttle that he had indicated, Ama now behind him, "There was a Baltar imbalance in the central core of the continuation continuum and Black Squadron got sent to take care of . . . well, let's just say that nobody else was available to come here and save Starbuck from testosterone poisoning, so I got drafted by the, uh . . . by an advanced race of beings, even though I'm really quite busy saving Lu . . . " Backing Up to the Shuttle Starbuck cast another worried look at the still advancing Cassiopeia, "Never mind all that," he banged his fist on the shuttle's hull and the hatch opened quickly. Ama leapt inside, pulling Starbuck in with her. A shower of cookies flew out of the hatch as it closed, the last sound emanating from the interior before the shuttle launched was Empyrean Starbuck's voice, "On the double, double, Dayton!" "Quickly Salik!" Wilker cried, as he and Salik bundled Apollo and Sheba onto the lift, "We've got to get them to Life Station and do a sonic scrape. Apollo and Sheba smoked and fumed as they inhaled the ripe tattiness of Baltar's tunic. "Tigh!" Adama roused himself from the state of shock he had been in, watching a now completely tunicless Baltar struggling under Maga's ferron grip, "We've got to save Baltar from the Noman for the sake of the orphans! A signed Alpha Doodle will be worth a fortune whether it's dancing or not! Quick! Offer Coach Maga a two yahren contract with benefits to hand over Baltar without injury and call off any Blood Trails that might have been effected by this, this, whatever this is!" Adama turned and blankly surveyed the assemblage in the Landing Bay, his gaze resting absently on his Athena and Boomer, then his face turning ashen, he saw his grandson kneeling beside Zara, who lay prone beneath a mechanically growling Muffit, /Oh no. Boxey, with the IFB. Lords, please let the audio feed be broken!/" "Oh, Boomer!" Athena cooed, throwing herself into her husband's arms, "Were you really that worried that I was attracted to Baltar? You know you're the only one for me, you jealous fool!" "Muffit!" Boxey cried, "Get off the news lady! Dad and Sheba said not to talk to her! We have to get away from her. Daddy says she must never know about the secret pile of home videos of Grandpa and Colonel Tigh from their Academy days! We mustn't tell her that they're hidden under the Blue Squadron Barracks!" Part 93 God sat looking at RDM, as he violently stirred the boiling cauldron. "Four," said the Almighty. "Three." "I've almost got it! Just a little longer!" whined RDM. "What, you think we have eternity here?" "There!" said RDM withaa flourish, splashing stuff from the cauldron all over the Divine feet. "Hey! Watch the suedes, bub!" "Sorry!" "Two. One." Mother! Part 94 - Carla "Did you feel that?" Baltar asked dazedly as he rose to see Maga in a firm handshake with Colonel Tigh, clutching his Coach's whistle with a renewed sense of purpose and accepting the spare Triad ball. "Yeth," Virtually Stupid Starbuck spoke through the deliciously testosterone balancing cookies, as Cassiopeia ran her fingers through his hair, oohing and aahing in sympathy as she observed his blackened eyes and his bruised throat, "It wath like a forth of nature was bending the continuathion continuum. Like thomeone wath sthirring a boiling cauldron of dethtiny." "Baltar!" Brie bounced over as Coach Maga tossed her the Triad ball, "are you coming to the Galactica's practice court to watch the warm-up for the big charity tournament tomorrow?" Part 95 "I don't know, my dear," Baltar said, crossing his arms feeling a little exposed. At Brie's disappointed expression, a wave of sadness washed over him. The poor thing looked so eager for approval and if she was looking for it from him, things must be pretty bad. He smiled kindly. "Things seem to be beyond my control." He nodded towards Belloby and Blassie who were watching at him like carrion avians. "Oh, don't worry about them," Brie said cheerfully, bouncing a bit. Baltar forced himself to look into her brown eyes rather than what was being displayed by her Triad outfit. The person who had designed those outfits must be more interested in displaying the female figure than for protection or comfort. "They just like to have a bit of fun." "I'm sure they do," he said weakly. *** "Commander, what was this about video from your academy days?" Zara descended upon Adama. "A retrospective of your and Colonel Tigh's careers would be quite interesting." "Zara, I appreciate your interest," Adama said, hoping his gritted teeth appeared enough like a smile to satisfy her. "I'm sure our boring lives dedicated to duty wouldn't be compelling viewing on the IFB." "Nonsense." Zara laughed. "After the day's events, it would be nice for the Fleet to know that responsible adults are in charge." "Commander Adama, is there anything you need me for?" Tigh asked as he approached. "My duty period ended a centar ago and I'd really like to lie down." "Alone?" Zara asked, turning to the Colonel. "Yes," he said firmly, his elegant fingers curling at his sides the only sign he wanted to remove the IFB reporter by physical force. "It's been a very /exhausting/ day." "For all of us," Adama said. "I think things have settled down. I'll just check on my son and daughter-in-law before calling it a day myself." art 96 - Carla "Adama!" Tigh cried in horror, as the lift took them out of Zara's line of sight, 'What shall we do? If the IFB gets hold of those video recordings . . ." "I know, Tigh!" the Commander's voice was grim, "That's why we have to get to the Blue Squadron Barracks before they do!" "But what about Apollo and Sheba? They were smoking like fumarellos when that light hit them!" "They'll be fine," Adama shook his head, vainly trying to banish the echoes of his son's suggestive piloting euphemisms out of his aching head, "The sonic scrape should bring them back to normal and Salik and Wilker have sent the soundproofing team to dispose of the last of the concentrated pheromones. Besides, only someone with a similar chromosonal sequence to one or both of them would be affected by /that/ particular formula. It's the cannisters of general - pupose pheremones in the adjacent storage section in the lab that would have caused a, er, similar reaction in any human adult who was directly exposed. Thank the Lords of Kobol /that/ never happened!" *** Back on the Alpha Landing Bay . . . "Let's move, Zed," Zara cried, heading for the emergency access hatch that led to the crew quarters, "Video of Adama and Tigh during their Academy days! Even if it's boring it will still put the ratings through the roof!" The Women's Triad League had gathered around Coach Maga to get some final inspirational pointers before disappearing through the entrance through the adjoining launch bay and on to the practice Triad court. "Baltar! Come watch us play tomorrow after the luncheon!" Brie called hopefully as she rushed to join the other players in a game of relay catch on the way to the court. "Baltar!" Boomer cried as he and Athena grabbed the traitor by the bare arms, "Don't think you're off the hook because Adama and Tigh had to leave! You're going straight to the brig until it's time for the luncheon and tattoo signing tomorrow!" "Don't damage the art!" Alpha Doodle rushed forward, snapping on some sterile gloves, "Let me have a look!" "Back off, Alpha Doodle!" Belloby unceremoniously tackled the artist, pinning him to the deck, "I've paid ten cubits to date that tattoo tomorrow night in the best suite that the Rising Star has to offer! You're not messing up this big double date for me and Blassie!" "It's not that I don't appreciate your enthusiasum, Cassie," Starbuck said apologetically, as he gently stuffed a cookie into her mouth, "But I think we can do just as well, if not better, without the chemical enhancement. Who was that wild looking woman with the cookies, anyway, and what is this wonderful gooey brown stuff?" "Hey!" Bojay cried, as he helped Starbuck and Cassie to his feet, "What's the crack soundproofing team doing here in the landing bay?" The nearby group of Scythian Brotherhood of Doom members were once more attempting a human pyramid formation in preparation for the next day's tournament cheering intermission, when a large pressurized cannister labelled 'General - Purpose' suddenly fell from the grasp of the nearest soundproofing technician, it's nozzle snapping open and flooding the landing bay with a thick vapourous cloud of pheremones. "Boomer, look out!" Athena cried as the tunicless Baltar slipped from the couples' grasp and headed for the access hatch through which Zed, Zara and the video camera had disappeared, closing it firmly behind him and crawling forward into the darkness. *** Still back on the Alpha Landing Bay . . . "Come on, kid," Coach Maga bellowed, handing Boxey a spare whistle and setting the youngster atop his broad shoulders, "You and the daggit might as well come with me. I'm willing to bet that we're the only ones here that will be unaffected by those chemicals," the Nomen took one last look around the landing bay at Bojay, Starbuck, Cassiopeia, Boomer, Athena, the SBD, Alpha Doodle, Belloby, Blassie and the crack soundproofing team, before shaking his head in disgust and moving to follow the Women's Triad League to the practice court. "Oh my God!" Athena cried, "Those are all - purpose pheromones! We've got to . . . " she inhaled deeply and turned to face Boomer, eyeing him speculatively as she felt a warm rush of desire overtake her, "We've got to get you some place private and release your poor hard muscles from that restrictive uniform!" "Oh my God!" Belloby cried as she stared down at a dazed Alpha Doodle, "You're far more attractive, and accessible, than Baltar. Have you got any self - drawn tattoos of your own?" Alpha Doodle struggled between chemically enhanced desire and fear as he stared up at Belloby and the slowly advancing Blassie. "Oh my God!" Bojay cried as he backed away from Starbuck and Cassiopeia, who were now tearing wildly at one another, staggering toward the still open hatch of the shuttle that Bojay had arrived in, "Don't damage the rest of the Triad balls!" he turned to flee as Boomer's jacket settled over his head, blinding him and causing him to collide with the hull of the shuttle, collapsing into unconsciousness on the deck. "Oh my God! Maybe I was wrong about the chemical enhancement!" Starbuck cried, as his laser pistol inadvertantly nudged the Fleet wide Unicom relay switch on the shuttle's communication console into the 'open' positon, initiating a broadcast that would emanate from every Unicom relay in the Colonial Fleet. "Oh my God!" cried the members of the crack soundproofing team as they saw the hooded figures of the SBD emerging from the vapourous cloud with scythes extended. "Oh, Bucky!" Cassiopeia cried, the musical tones of her voice echoing through out the Fleet, "Life Station is ready to receive. I have a medical emergency, and you're the only cure I need!" *** Back in the lift . . . "Oh Lords, Tigh", Adama moaned at the sound of Cassiopeia's voice, "Here we go again!"