Battlestar Galactica: Self-Reflection
Virtual Season 4, Episode 10
By Eric Paddon
May 28, 2019


     "As the first anniversary of the 'Detente' draws near, it remains a
time of reflection for all of us in the Fleet to consider how miraculous
it has been that it holds together.  Today, there is seemingly a greater
awareness among the people of the Fleet that our warriors have learned to
work well alongside the very Cylon centurions who were once programmed to
think only of our destruction.  Warriors are more willing to admit for
the record that Cylons have made helpful partners in the military
endeavors that have taken place on N'Chek and elsewhere.
     "For the civilian population of the Fleet, our Cylon 'allies' have
been a more hidden presence, operating exclusively from the Baseship. 
Indeed, sometimes people need to be reminded of the fact that these
Cylons have now become our partners......and so too is it true of the
still controversial figure who remains in command of them aboard the
Baseship.  Publicly, there remains outward respect for the reality of the
situation that necessitates this.  Privately.....can old feelings and
sentiments ever truly disappear?"
     Baltar shut off the IFB feed that beamed from the monitor in his
chambers.  Zed's "commentary" had clearly been subjected to a censorship
overview from Adama because under the terms of the Detente, open public
criticism of the arrangement that had seen him, humanity's greatest
traitor receive total amnesty, was strictly prohibited.  From a practical
military standpoint it was essential that there be no public grumbling
regarding that situation or else the Cylon members of his crew might
interpret that as a sign that perhaps the humans they worked alongside
with weren't really comfortable with things after all.  And if the Cylons
he commanded were no longer convinced that they were receiving a truly
better deal as it were from the humans than they had received from the
advanced brain classes of Cylons........then it would only take a centon
for the fragile detente to be shattered forever and for their old
anti-human instincts to kick in once again.  Perhaps the centurions could
never be persuaded to once again swear allegiance to the Imperious
Leader, but at the very least they could find other ways of expressing
their new-found independence in thought and action that didn't involve
being friendly with humans.
     And if that were to happen.....my days would truly be numbered.
     "Is this truly what you bargained for?"
     Baltar felt the chill go up his back.  There it was again.  The
voice.  *His* voice.  The voice that had taunted him at various points in
the past yahren and before that when he'd been marooned on the planet by
Adama.  The voice that had also spoken to him before that in the Prison
Barge......and in the Council Chamber where he'd been forced to his
knees......
     "No," he shook his head and whispered.  He wasn't answering the
question, he was instead trying to will the voice away......so it would
cease haunting him.
     "You surely can not be satisfied with how things have worked out for
you.  You're as much a prisoner of this ship as you were in the Prison
Barge.....and on the planet.  You know you can't ever leave the Baseship
because no other human can still, 'Detente' notwithstanding, truly stand
the sight of you."
     Baltar knew that there was more than just a voice in the room.  He
knew that if he turned his head he would see him.  Standing there in the
white robes just like before in the Council Room......and on the Prison
Barge......and on the planet......and even more than once on the
Baseship.  But he had long ago decided that he would no longer turn his
head and look for him if he ever heard the voice again.
     "Avoid me all you like, Baltar.  You can not hide from reality.  You
have confined yourself to a new form of prison.  Unable to lead.  Unable
to let the greatness you were destined for truly shine.  Is *this* truly
how you wanted to end up?  As Adama's yes-man, confined to a new prison? 
You are consulted of course, but you know they don't value your input. 
You are merely......tolerated."
     "Get out," he was beginning to breathe more heavily as he felt the
tension go through his body.  "Get out!"
     A mocking laugh now filled his ears.  "Until next time.....old
friend."
     It was only after two centons of silence that Baltar finally found
the strength to turn his head.  When he did, he felt like collapsing into
sobs of relief when he saw there was no one there.


     When Ayesha returned to his chambers that evening, she found her
husband detached and removed, and not listening to much of what she had
to say regarding things she had been discussing with Commander Moray.  It
was something she'd seen more than once over the past yahren since she'd
given up her life as "Claudia" to return to him.  And it always seemed to
come at a point when she would notice an odd.....chill in the air.  A
chill she could remember feeling as early as that first night she'd spent
on the Baseship.  Yet, whenever she gently pressed him, he would then
seemingly form a defensive posture and tell her he was okay.
     In her heart, Ayesha knew he was holding something back from her. 
In what way she couldn't tell, because for the most part, she had found
success with Baltar in getting him to open up regarding the things she'd
*really* wanted answers to.  The very first night they'd been reunited,
the first question she'd posed to him was a simple "Why?" regarding his
actions of treason that had caused the Destruction.  And he had opened
up, giving her explanations that weren't convincing to her, and for which
she'd given him her gentle.....yet firm reproach.  And amazingly, he'd
accepted it.  Defensiveness and rationalization had disappeared
completely from Baltar in trying to justify his actions because it was as
if......only she could force him to abandon such an approach.
     But the very fact that she'd been able to get through to Baltar on
the painful and difficult subject of the Destruction was the reason why
it concerned her now that Baltar wasn't being candid with her about
something else.  Something that clearly troubled his heart even more than
the subject of the Destruction did.
     And that could only be frightening from her perspective.


     The next cycle began with Baltar acting more 'normal' as he and
Ayesha shared breakfast in their chambers.  Then there would come a day
of Baltar getting a briefing from Moray that would fully summarize the
matter of the Risiks.  Ayesha, meanwhile would be giving the liaison
officer, who would be arriving from the Galactica within the centar, his
periodic inspection tour of the Baseship.
     Starbuck. 
     For several sectars, Starbuck had been the liaison officer, making
these frequent trips to the Baseship to provide evaluations, to report
back to Adama on how operations were being conducted, and above all to
help improve the integration of the Cylons into the overall command
structure.  From a technical standpoint, Starbuck had justified the
appointment because he'd learned to develop an easy rapport with all the
centurions from Moray on down that was clearly appreciated.  Starbuck had
learned to accept the distinctions in the structure of Cylons that
allowed him to see why the centurions, as a class, should not be the
object of humanity's hatred of the Cylons, but instead the higher brained
Cylons like Septimus, who belonged to the class that had plotted and
carried out the war for their own glory in which the centurions would
always be the servants even in a universe conquered by the Cylons. 
     The centurions, in their own way, had come to see Starbuck as more
than just the liaison officer.  For many of them......he was now a
friend.
     I wish I could say the same thing, Ayesha sighed as she stood alone
in her chambers, preparing herself to go down to the Landing Bay where
she'd meet Starbuck's shuttle.  I wish so much I could be *his* friend
again.  Like in the old days.
     But that hadn't happened.  Starbuck had been professional and
courteous with Ayesha in all the times they'd seen each other on the
Baseship, but with a clear distance.  There was no easy rapport like he
had with the centurions.  No casual quips.  No friendly chit-chat.  It
was clear that Starbuck had his limits in terms of how he would treat
Ayesha.....and Baltar for that matter.
     Could I really blame him, though?  After all......I was very nearly
his stepmother.  And it was my choice to end all that.  To break
Chameleon's heart......and his.
     "You know you made a mistake."
     Ayesha froze.  This was not the first time that she could recall
hearing some strange sounding voice that shouldn't have been there.  But
this was the first time it had a strange kind of.....clarity.  As though
the voice were not in her head but.....in the room.
     "Admit what you've known from the beginning.  You wanted to stay. 
You wanted to marry Chameleon and know the quiet life of happiness you
could have provided each other.  Instead, you've removed yourself from
other people.  You've isolated yourself in a prison with a man who only
wronged you when he betrayed his people.....and by extension you."
     Slowly, Ayesha began to turn her head.  And then.....she saw him. 
Standing in the doorway, clad in white robes, a handsome man with dark
brown hair.  Smiling at her.
     "All you need to do is admit your failure.  Tell Starbuck you were
wrong and that you need his help to get you out of this prison.  It won't
matter if he refuses at first......once Chameleon knows, then all that
will change....."
     She stared at the figure.  Trying to comprehend how he could be
standing there.  Other people in the Fleet would have recognized him as
the mysterious "miracle worker" who had arrived suddenly in the Fleet at
one point and allegedly been responsible for compelling Baltar's
surrender and imprisonment just six sectans after the Battle of Gomorrah. 
Ayesha though, at the time had avoided the story completely since the
mere word-of-mouth about her husband's capture had driven her further
into her work aboard the Senior Ship and a renewed effort to let no one
suspect her true identity.  Consequently, the face struck no chord of
recognition with her.  All she knew was that whoever he was, he couldn't
possibly be from the normal realm of human existence.  How she could
react to that, she wasn't sure.  For now, she betrayed no emotion.
     "You know I'm right......Claudia."
     She clenched her fist when she heard her addressed by the name she
had abandoned but was still silent.
     "You can take charge of your life again, Claudia," his smile
widened, growing more warm and reassuring.  "Trust me and I will make
things right in your world......and in your heart once again."
     The intercom chime sounded.  She turned away from the sight to
answer it, trying not to sound rattled.  "Yes?"
     "The shuttle from the Galactica has arrived in the landing bay." a
centurion reported to her.
     "Thank you, I'm on my way," her voice was calm and collected as she
shut off the intercom.  When she turned back to look, the man in white
robes was gone.


     When Ayesha arrived she saw that Starbuck was already out of the
shuttle and engaging in light chatter with the two centurions who had
attended to him.
     "That was classic textbook flying over Ne'chak!" the blonde pilot
was smiling, fumarello clenched between his teeth.  "We really showed
those Risiks not to mess with us!"
     "What does it mean to 'mess' with us?" one of the regular centurions
asked.
     Starbuck took his fumarello out of his mouth and shrugged,
"Well.....let's just say they could have had in mind to do to us what you
did to......Commander Septimus.  But we both made sure they couldn't do
that, right?"
     "That is correct," the first centurion nodded.
     Oh, I hope their new 'independence' will one day make them learn how
to develop more of a sense of humor!  Starbuck thought as he gave one of
them a friendly tap on the shoulder and made his way forward where he
could see Ayesha waiting.
     "Good morning......Lieutenant," she found that she needed to be
formal in these settings.
     "Good morning......Ayesha," Starbuck's tone was respectful and
courteous, but as always, lacking that one element that could let it be
characterized as truly friendly.
     "We might as well get started," she motioned.
     "Sure," he shrugged as he stopped and turned back to wave at the two
centurions he'd been talking to, "Catch you later!"
     She led Starbuck to the central core turbo-lift which would take
them up to the command deck level.  As soon as they stepped inside,
Starbuck broke the silence.
     "So where's your husband?"
     There it was again.  Every time Ayesha led Starbuck on an inspection
or some other task when Baltar wasn't around he always made a point of
using the phrase 'your husband' rather than 'Baltar' or 'the commander'. 
She knew it was deliberate.  Just a pointed edge reminder on his part of
what he really felt deep down underneath.
     You can make it up to him.
     She stiffened slightly.  This time the voice she'd heard in her
quarters was back in her head again.
     "Hello?" Starbuck idly waved his hand, having heard no response from
her.
     "I'm sorry," she snapped herself back to reality.  "Baltar's
conferring with Commander Moray regarding the Risik data the Galactica
sent over.  There's a lot that needs to be gone over there before the
next......strategy session."
     "Yeah, we may not have seen the last of them," Starbuck admitted as
he kept looking away from her.
     "And that......computer virus problem the Galactica had recently? 
We haven't received any updates on what that was all about."
     "Still no idea," Starbuck shook his head.  "Dr. Wilker, Hummer and
Sergeant Komma have been working extra overtime trying to trace back
where it all could have begun, but until they issue some kind of report,
your guess would be as good as mine."
     "I see.  I imagine that was harrowing when that suddenly happened
without warning."
     He shrugged, but said nothing.  Another reminder of how a friend
would have made some lighthearted quip.  But when the relationship was
one of polite formality that wasn't going to be there.
     "How's Bojay doing?" 
     That seemed to briefly break the formal shell he'd adopted around
her.  Especially since Starbuck was well aware of the fact that it was
Ayesha who had made the recommendation that the components of Commander
Septimus be utilized to help repair Bojay from the horrific injuries he'd
suffered.  Without those components, Bojay would have at best been left
crippled and at worse, dead.
     "He's doing fine," for the first time there was more than strained
formality in his tone.  "That....was a very helpful suggestion."
     "I'm glad it was, Starbuck," Ayesha tried to make her gratitude
evident.  "There's a lot to be learned from that, isn't there?"
     "Maybe," he shrugged, and right away it was clear he'd retreated
back into the formal shell, which pained Ayesha inside.  But she knew she
couldn't dwell on that.  Now she had work to do in her formal capacity
and that was all that mattered.


     The tour began on the upper command level where Starbuck was able to
talk with various centurions about what they were doing, what reports
they had on integrating themselves into the various network systems of
the Fleet.  Coordinating scouting reports and training schedules.  All of
which had seemed so distasteful to Starbuck when he'd first begun these
duties had over time become easy and routine.  The only distaste that
remained in Starbuck, he now realized, was for the Baseship's two human
occupants and not the Cylon crew.
     After a half centar on Level One, they spent a half centar on Level
Two.  Then it was down to Level Three, where the power systems for
numerous components of the baseship were located.  Here, Starbuck could
see firsthand how the baseship was maintaining its power levels and
coordinate it to fuel analyses on how much the baseship needed from
existing stocks and future mining operations.
     As they reached the end of the complex in Level Three, Starbuck's
eye noticed an unoccupied console and monitor.  The dark screen
indicating it was shut off and the unlit instrument panel further
indicating that it wasn't being powered at all.  He had noticed this
terminal before in his previous visits and never given it any thought,
thinking it was shut down for maintenance.  But now.....for some hidden
inner reason he couldn't fathom, he decided he had to ask what it was
about.
     "This terminal broken?" he asked aloud.
     Ayesha stopped and looked over.  She frowned as she realized that in
all her time aboard the baseship she'd never given it any thought
herself.
     "No, I don't think so," she called over to the centurion who was
monitoring the power levels.  "Excuse me.  Dunamis?"
     The centurion who had been given the name Dunamis rose from his
terminal and came up to them.  "By your command."
     "Dunamis, was this station deactivated or is it in need of repair?"
     "It was deactivated prior to your arrival." he said.
     "You mean.....prior to when I first came aboard this ship, last
yahren?"  Ayesha hadn't expected to hear this.
     "Affirmative."
     "Why was it deactivated?"
     "It no longer served a useful purpose."
     Starbuck was clearly intrigued by these revelations. 
"Well.....Dunamis, what *was* its purpose?"
     "Direct communication with the Cylon outer capital on Gomorrah."
     Both the Lieutenant and Baltar's wife were taken aback.
     "*Direct* communication?" Starbuck asked, "You mean.....you were
able to talk directly with Gomorrah from.....how far out?"
     "Distance was not a factor when communication was deemed necessary."
     "Not a factor?" Ayesha found this hard to believe, "Dunamis, I'm no
expert in this field, but doesn't that violate all known principles of
science?"
     "The traditional barriers had been overcome, which facilitated
communication," the centurion said.  "However, owing to the levels of
power needed to maintain a connection, it could only be used
infrequently."
     "I see," Starbuck slowly nodded, "So if it was used too much, the
power drainage factors could be damaging."
     "Affirmative."
     "Does this still work, in theory?" Ayesha asked.
     "If it were needed, it could be reactivated," Dunamis said.  "Do you
require its reactivation?  There would seemingly be no viable purpose in
doing so."
     "No," Baltar's wife shook her head, "You're right there is no
purpose in reactivating it.  It clearly serves no.....purpose at this
time since we have no reason to ever talk to Gomorrah or anyone on
there."
     "Shall I place an order to dismantle it?"
     "Um.....," she hesitated and looked at Starbuck who shook his head. 
And inside, Starbuck didn't know why he was instinctively shaking his
head but just like he'd felt a subconscious reason to ask what this
terminal was, now he was feeling it again in regard to what should be
done with it.
     "No," Ayesha finally said.  "No, Dunamis.  Leave it for now."
     "By your command."


     And so the tour resumed without much further fanfare.  Inspections
of the other levels.  Starbuck making some notations for the report he
would later make to Adama when he returned. Finally, after four centars,
they were back in the landing bay.
     "I don't think there's much else we can go over," Starbuck said. 
His voice back to the same level of detached formality it had been
throughout the tour.  "So I guess I can head back to the Galactica."
     As he turned to head toward the shuttle, Ayesha suddenly heard the
voice in her head once again.
     Now is your opportunity, Claudia.  Tell him how you *really* feel! 
Begin the process that will end your imprisonment......and your misery.
     "Starbuck," she called after him.  
     The blonde warrior turned around, "Yes?"
     "Starbuck," she took a step toward him.  "I'd.....appreciate it if
you'd stay just a bit longer.  There's something I need to.....talk to
you about."
     He shrugged, "So talk."
     "Not here," Ayesha said.  "I'd.....like to have lunch with you in my
quarters."
     A suspicious air came over the lieutenant.  "What about......your
husband?"
     "This is personal, Starbuck," she said.  "I really have to talk to
you."
     He slowly shook his head, "I......really don't think we have much to
say to each other about anything like that."
     "Yes, we do, Starbuck," she said.  "There's a lot I need to say to
you, and it has to be now."
     "Why?" for the first time a faint edge of coldness entered his
voice.
     "Because we've put it off for too long," she said.  
     "Look," Starbuck kept his tone patient, "If it'll make you feel
better, I don't hate you, okay?  I don't dwell on the past any longer,
and neither should you.  That's why I don't mind being the liaison
officer.  But there's no need to go any further than that.  Let's just
keep doing our jobs and move on."
     "Starbuck," an edge of pleading entered her voice, "Just this one
time.  Please."
     The blonde lieutenant was silent.  A part of him wanted to just turn
and walk away.  To just let her know the sensation of being hurt as he'd
been hurt by what she'd done to his father.  On the verge of becoming
sealed to Chameleon and with him *ready* to embrace her as a stepmother,
she had suddenly left him to go back to Baltar following the traitor's
stunning re-emergence and defection to the Colonial side.  Not even
explaining herself to his face or Chameleon's face, but confining it to a
long letter that Adama had forced him to deliver to Chameleon.  Even
though Chameleon had taken it with far more dignity and grace than
Starbuck had, he could never forget the painful look in his father's eyes
at losing the first woman since Starbuck's mother who had ever, truly
meant anything to him.
     It would serve her right, Starbuck thought.  And it wouldn't damage
relations with Baltar and the Cylons, which is all that matters.  She
really doesn't matter.
     But just then......he felt that strange sensation of a subconscious
urging holding him back.  Warning him almost.  All but telling him to not
give in to that emotional, angry impulse.
     Slowly, he took a step back toward her and calmly exhaled.
     "All right," Starbuck said.  "We'll talk."


     They returned to her chambers.  Ayesha notified Baltar, who was
still in his conference with Moray that she would be conferring with
Starbuck over lunch, which her husband accepted without any sign of
protest.  And then, she instructed a centurion to bring up two plates of
lunch and ambrosia from the personal stocks shuttled in from the Fleet to
serve her needs and Baltar's as the only human occupants of the Baseship.
     While they waited for lunch, Starbuck looked about the chambers,
which were comfortable but not ostentatious and then finally decided to
break the ice.
     "Long way from the Senior Ship."
     "Yes," she admitted, "But hardly the Rising Star."
     "Maybe not," Starbuck paced about the room, hands clasped behind his
back as he looked about, seemingly trying not to look directly at her. 
"Still.....I'll bet it feels like having your own palace when you've got
a ship full of centurions answering your every need."
     "At times," Ayesha said, "And sometimes it feels like a lonely
prison, Starbuck." 
     Starbuck stopped pacing and looked at her, his brow knotted,
"Prison?  How?"
     The chime sounded as the centurions arrived with their lunch.  They
sat down at the small table and waited to be served and for them to
depart before they resumed the conversation.
     "Well, if this is prison, I can think of a lot of people who'd
gladly take it," Starbuck said as he sipped from his chalice and tasted
Protean ambrosia.  The great taste of the ambrosia was all but cancelled
out by the inner distaste he was feeling.  "You remember the first time
we saw each other......after you went back to him, don't you?"
     "Of course I do," she said, "At RB-33 station.  When Baltar and I
went aboard there with a full honor guard.  And you came up to me and
behaved all courteously and treated me like a queen.  I was glad at the
time that you didn't come up to me to spit in my face."
     "I was treating your position with respect," Starbuck said.  "As I
and any warrior would be expected to do.  But at any rate, when I saw you
there on the station that day, you were hardly the picture of someone who
was spending time in a prison."
     "That time on RB-33 is the only time Baltar and I have left this
Baseship in the past yahren," she pointed out.  "It's the exception that
proves the rule of what I've lost.  Like no more gatherings with old
friends.  Or no more  simple, intimate things like the shopping trips I
used to do with Cassiopeia."
     She then lowered her head as she went on.  "Or the simple joy of
going to the bedside of a frail, elderly woman who lost her sight and
needed to hear a kind word and a voice reading her favorite book to her. 
I miss doing all of that, Starbuck.  And of course......there's
Chameleon."
     "Yes, what about him?" he tried not to sound flip but found he
couldn't help it.
     "Starbuck," she looked him in the eye again, "You said you don't
hate me.  But do you truly understand me?  Do you understand at all why I
did what I did and how much it tore at my heart and soul?"
     He sat his chalice down and felt a struggle to keep from exploding. 
"Does it really matter to you what I think.....*Ayesha*?" he emphasized
her name with considerable frost.
     "Yes," she nodded, "Yes it does.  Just as it matters to me what
Chameleon thinks."
     "He doesn't hate you," Starbuck softened his tone just a bit since
he knew he had to fairly report his father's feelings to her.  "He never
has.  He read your letter, and......he said......"
     "Yes?" the woman once known as Claudia felt the emotion rising in
her.
     He calmly exhaled, "He said that he was grateful for the time you
had together just like...." Starbuck stopped and lowered his head as the
memory of that night came back to him.  He then forced himself to go on,
"Just like with my mother."
     Ayesha blinked as she felt the first tear forming in her eye.
     "And then he said, 'we learn to treasure the most what we no longer
have.'" he took another breath, "So......he hasn't tried to blot it out,
even if he has moved on."
     "But you've tried to blot it out, Starbuck?" it took all her
strength to keep her voice level.  "That's always been your way of
dealing with pain, isn't it?"
     Starbuck felt his composure come back.  He'd done his duty to his
father by honestly reporting Chameleon's words to her, but when it came
to his own feelings, he decided he wasn't going to sugarcoat things.
     "This is all off the record, isn't it?" his tone grew cold again. 
"You're not going to send some report to Adama and tell him how
unprofessional I've been performing my duty, are you?  Because you'd
better keep in mind that this conversation has nothing to do with duty."
     "Not your duty, Starbuck," she said simply.  And then.....her eyes
wandered over the top of Starbuck's head across from her to the back of
the room.  Where once again.....she saw the handsome brown-haired man in
the white robes.  The man who had spoken the words she'd heard in this
room and in her head.  He was once again smiling at her with warmth and
tenderness.  Beckoning her seemingly to follow his words of advice and
counsel.
     Follow your heart, she heard his voice filling her head once again. 
Let him know what you really want.  To be Claudia again.
     "Not your duty, Starbuck," she repeated.  And then, with a rising
level of strength and determination in her body and spirit she then
added.  "It's about my duty.  My duty and.....what I believe the Lords
planned for me."
     Almost immediately, the man in the white robes frowned.  Frowned
with violent disapproval.  
     No!  she heard that same soothing gentle voice now raging with anger
in her head.  Yet, she pressed on.
     "Starbuck," she said from the heart.  "If it had been up to me.  If
it had been my choice......I would have stayed with Chameleon and married
him.  I would have given everything to be with him and to be your
stepmother for the rest of my life.  That was what I wanted to do."
     Starbuck looked unimpressed.  Not knowing at all that behind him the
face of the handsome man in white robes was changing......changing into
something truly ugly.  
     "But your sense of noble self-sacrifice got in the way, is that it?"
Starbuck said.  "Sizing yourself up for a halo from the Lords themselves
that made you do it, right?  All to have *this*," he motioned
disdainfully to indicate the luxury of her chambers.  "And of course the
love of your husband.  Do you spend all your evenings in his bed seeing
my father's face instead of his?"
     Ayesha said nothing at first.  Her eyes were still half-focused on
the sight behind Starbuck that she realized the warrior couldn't see. 
The fact that she was seeing this horrible transformation told much to
her.  And it also made her realize something else that had been troubling
her since long before Starbuck's arrival.
     Now was the time to press on, with all her strength.
     "I won't lie to you, Starbuck," Ayesha said.  "I have very strong
feeling for Baltar, that in my own mixed-up way I suppose started out as
love.  Not the simple, honest pure love I felt for your father, but the
love that an ambitious, social climbing, power-loving woman in the
Colonies named Ayesha felt for Baltar when I first met him.  We were mad
for each other like moths to a flame.  And when I was in that part of my
life, yes, I *enjoyed* it.  That's the kind of woman I was back then. 
You're familiar with Siress Lydia, aren't you?"
     "Unfortunately, yes," Starbuck said with disdain.  He wasn't ready
to reveal the suspicions that had arisen regarding Lydia's connection
with the madman Chakra and his mad rampage in the Life Station over
Bojay's operation. 
     "Well I knew her in those days, Starbuck, and she was an angel
compared to me," Ayesha pressed on.  "How do you think Baltar became my
husband?  Because I seduced him away from his second wife and pursued him
the same way Lydia loves to go after men.  The only difference was that
Baltar made me realize I'd never find anyone better than him when it came
to wealth, ambition and yes, sexual pleasure, so I became a monogamist
for him.  And yes, I *loved* it.  Every micron of my life right up to
when my world got shattered when I realized what he'd been doing without
my having the slightest inkling."
     She stopped and looked at Starbuck.  Not caring that the image
behind Starbuck was now that of a hideous demon.  She no longer cared at
all what that unseen voice and presence felt.  She knew exactly what he
was and what he represented and she had no fear of it.  
     But with Starbuck.....she did care.  And she could see a stunned
look on the warrior's face to hear this blunt candor from her.
     "Maybe now you'll understand why there was a Claudia to begin with,"
she said.  "I wanted to forget who I'd been.  I wanted to forget the kind
of person who'd lived like that.  I wanted a life where I could make
amends to the people who'd been destroyed by the actions of my husband
that maybe *I* could have prevented if I'd had but the slightest inkling
of what he was up to-unless you believe I did know?"
     "No," Starbuck shook his head.  His voice was calm and quiet now. "I
know you didn't.  Adama, he.....told me about the Secret Tribunal you
subjected yourself to."
     "And after that, he *dissolved* my seal to Baltar," Ayesha said
pointedly.  "I had no legal obligation to him and when that
happened.....I was happy.  It meant I could go on with my life as Claudia
with a clean slate.  And meeting Chameleon......it only seemed like
further confirmation that I'd put the past behind me.  That Ayesha was
gone forever and there was only Claudia, who could know love in a more
fulfilling way.  I was *never* dissatisfied with my life, Starbuck.  You
of all people, know that.  I enjoyed being able to help people for any
reason."
     A memory of her as Claudia providing invaluable help to Starbuck
regarding a man named Maris and tracking down vital clues related to a
massive conspiracy, came back to him.  And with that memory, came
Starbuck recalling how he'd felt about her at the time.  Thinking that
'she was so blasted eager to please, that she absolutely hated it when
she couldn't help.' And that 'who she was hinged on her ability to put a
smile on someone's face.'
     For the first time, he felt the distaste inside him fading.  Yes,
there was no denying that what he'd seen in 'Claudia' had been genuine.  
     "Yet you gave it up," this time his words came out quietly.  
     "Because I felt a calling that I *had* to give up everything I had
come to love and cherish in my life for the greater good, Starbuck,"
Ayesha said.  "Haven't you ever felt that, Starbuck?  A sense that what
you *want* in your life isn't necessarily what the Lords *plan* for your
life?  That the way circumstances happen, you find that you're called to
something that if you ignore it.....you end up with regret and a sense
that you've committed a greater sin?"
     His own defensive barrier kicked in, which meant ignoring her
question by answering it with another question.  There was a lot he
*could* have told her about that would have meant telling her that yes,
he knew what it was like to have a sense of being called to do something
that he hadn't asked to be part of.  Hades, he was coming off a recent
experience where he'd dreamt......or rather not dreamt but been taken to
another realm entirely in Earth history where the old Empyrean wise woman
Ama had been there.  Implying that he was destined to be in that realm
for a purpose.  Which meant that if it hadn't been a dream, he'd been
there to save an ancestor of Commander Byrne.  But he wasn't going to
tell her any of that.  Not when he hadn't told anyone else about it.
     "So you're saying that.....staying with Chameleon would have somehow
been a.....sin?"
     She realized that he wasn't going be open about himself and was
placing all of the onus on her.  It was a challenge she knew she had to
rise up to.
     "Given the circumstances of what had just happened,
Starbuck.....yes.  When Baltar returned from nowhere with this incredible
offer to defect and present a baseship with its crew to us.....that was
the biggest change in all of our lives since the Destruction.  You can
point to a lot of things we've gone through in all the time since.  The
Pegasus, the battles with the Ziklagi and the Risik and finding Byrne and
all the Earth natives, but none of them have fundamentally altered our
perceptions of reality that this event has and did.  We've *all* been
impacted by it in one way or another.  All I have to do is remind you of
your easy way with conversing with all those centurions like you do as if
they were fellow pilots in the barracks."
     Starbuck said nothing but this time his look suggested she'd made a
fair point that he couldn't disagree with.  He *had* changed his view of
centurions in general and it was a far cry from how he'd felt initially. 
But he, like all the other warriors had been forced to change.  They'd
all seen what the dangers of refusing to accept the centurions as
colleagues could mean.  Ending up like a good man and warrior named
Sergeant Mattoon had ended up.
     But that was also a story he couldn't tell her.  The sad, sorry saga
of Sergeant Mattoon and his mad attempt to destroy the Detente was a
secret locked away in a classified file while Mattoon remained locked in
a catatonic state aboard the Hospital Ship devoted to the psychiatrically
disturbed.  Where the long-term prognosis from Tarnia remained doubtful
that his situation would ever change.  Baltar, Ayesha and the crew of the
baseship could never know that had happened.  Or else it might make them
suspicious of *ever* working alongside Colonial warriors again.
     "Go on," he said simply.  
     "You did read my letter to Chameleon, didn't you?" Ayesha lowered
her head to avoid making eye contact with what was still behind Starbuck. 
The voice had stopped snarling and howling inside her head, and yet he
was still standing there in full demonic evil.
     "Yes," Starbuck acknowledged.
     "Then you remember what I said that with Baltar back in this new
situation, there was no chance of our having the life of peace and quiet
we envisioned for ourselves," she said pointedly.  "Given how things
were,  it was only a matter of time before I'd be publicly outed as
Baltar's wife.  Lydia knew who I was.  Do you think for a micron she
would have kept her mouth shut about my identity in that changed
situation?"
     "Good Lords of Kobol, no," the words fell rapidly out of Starbuck's
mouth.  Only recently, Lydia had incurred the wrath of her occasional and
now ex-lover, Commander Byrne when she'd leaked the details of the rescue
of Petty Officer Jessica Clemens' rescue to the IFB.  If Lydia could do
that, it was a foregone conclusion that the ambitious Siress who was now
Council Vice-President, would sooner or later have given another kind of
exclusive to Zara and Zed about who the Senior Ship's "Guardian Angel"
really was.
     "And what would that have meant for Chameleon?" she kept pressing,
feeling good that at long last she could unburden herself of all this. 
"Would he have known a micron's peace again after that?  I think you're
smart enough to know the answer to that.  The bottom line is that I could
see the universe not as I *wanted* it to be, but how it was *going* to
be.  And in that context, I made the only decision I saw the Lords
guiding me towards.  A decision that would spare Chameleon of a greater
pain than my leaving him, and would let me stay true to the basic
principles of my life as Claudia."
     Seeing the quizzical look on Starbuck's face regarding the last
remark, she added, "Yes, Starbuck, you heard me right.  In order to keep
being Claudia as I defined the integrity of who Claudia was, I had to
become Ayesha again.  But not the Ayesha who had existed before the
Destruction as a power-hungry, passion-crazed hedonist.  That woman is
still dead and only exists in the outer form.  The inner substance of who
and what I am.....that is still Claudia and always has been.  Is that so
hard for you to comprehend?"
     Starbuck took a sip from his forgotten chalice and then casually ate
a bite of his equally forgotten lunch.  It almost seemed like a stalling
tactic to Ayesha.  To avoid answering her, or to think of another tough
question to counter with.
     "But you don't see Baltar as an evil necessity," he finally said. 
"You said that you do....love him."
     "I'd be a liar if I said I didn't."
     "You can really.....feel that way about two different people
like.....him and my father?"
     She looked him in the eye with a faint air of disapproval.  "I think
you're the last person in the universe to question whether it's possible
to have loved different people at different phases of your life,
Starbuck."
     "You're right," he said apologetically, "I deserved that.  I'm
sorry."
     "But understand that when I say I love Baltar, it's not because of
what.....we once had before the Destruction," she went on, "Baltar has
come to understand that I'm not the Ayesha he knew then.  I'm not here to
indulge him as a sex slave like some of those Earth women were compelled
to do for the Risik.  I'm here to give him the tough advice and counsel
that I learned from being Claudia.  That included telling him to his face
why he couldn't hide behind rationalizations for what he did.  That also
included telling him that he had to let go of the bitterness he felt
toward Adama for rejecting him on Kobol with that offer to join forces
and strike back against the Cylons.  I'm sure you remember that incident
don't you?"
     "Of course I do," Starbuck said simply, "That's when I was his
prisoner aboard this ship, and then he released me because he said it was
part of that plan.  You're telling me that he.....really meant it back
then?"
     "He did," she said flatly.  "But I don't blame Adama for rejecting
him that time and I also told him that if he'd presented that offer to me
just after the Destruction, I wouldn't have believed him either.  It
had.....a chastening effect on him.  Because Baltar loves me so much that
he instinctively believes me.  And I have to respect that by loving him
back, but on *my* terms, and not his.  And my terms are that Baltar
remain candid with me, and totally obedient to what the Detente
represents.  And that at no time is he to ever again, so much as think of
getting himself out of this situation where he is always going to be
lower in the chain of command.  He's had to learn that power as he wanted
it is gone forever, and that if it's survival he wants, he has to enjoy
it on these terms from now on and never go back on his word."
     Ayesha then leaned forward, "And that, Starbuck is why I know in my
heart that the Lords led me back to Baltar.  Not to be what I had been,
but to draw from my experiences as Claudia and provide the key to what it
is that keeps Baltar in line and keeps this Detente together.  And this
Detente has been for our greater good.  You won't deny that any longer,
will you?"
     "No," he shook his head, "No, I.....never would do that.....Ayesha."
     "And consider this," she added, "If I hadn't been here, who makes
the suggestion that Bojay's life be saved by using the spare parts of
Commander Septimus?"
     Starbuck felt all of his barriers disappearing.  Disappearing under
a weight of powerful words of wisdom, no different than the words of
wisdom he had heard many times from Apollo, and from Cassie and from
Chameleon and so many others.  And this time......she was getting through
to him because he was hearing the voice of a woman he had wanted to call
his stepmother, acting like the stepmother she'd never been to him.
     While Ayesha waited for him to say anything, she finally looked
behind Starbuck's shoulder once again and with satisfaction saw that the
demonic form was gone.  
     "Ayesha," Starbuck finally spoke.  "I'm.....sorry.  I.....never
truly realized just how painful it had to be for you, but.....I think for
the first time, I......understand."
     "Thank you, Starbuck," she felt as if a great weight had been lifted
from her shoulders.  "That means so much to me.  You know I never meant
to hurt you or your father.  And I wish to the Lords I hadn't
but......sometimes when we answer the call for reasons greater than our
own, we can't avoid pain for ourselves and.....those we truly love."
     "No, I guess we can't," he rose from his chair.  "And.....this
Detente, and everything else.....it has meant a lot of good in our
lives."
     "And so long as I have a breath of life left in me, I'm going to
make sure it stays that way," Ayesha rose too.  "I know that you and
everyone else in the Fleet will always have good reason to hate Baltar
and think that he got off easy, but....just leave him to me.  I probably
can't completely reform him but I can keep his worst instincts locked up
and buried so that he's never tempted again.  And.....there are forces
ready to tempt him.  Of that, I'm certain.  Consider me the Fleet's best
weapon to fight them off."
     "That you are," Starbuck was impressed as he realized that she was
fundamentally, still the woman he and his father had known. 
"I'm.....sorry.  Truly sorry.  From this point on....whenever I'm over
here on liaison business.  I'll be more relaxed."
     "I'm glad, Starbuck," she said.  "I truly am.  And.....please let
Chameleon know that there'll always be a place for him in my heart."
     "You still have one in his," Starbuck said with total sincerity. 
And then, he deliberately added, "Goodbye Claudia."
     The woman who might have been his stepmother then impulsively
reached out and embraced him and he didn't push her aside.  Starbuck knew
that in his imperfect way there was much he could never completely come
to terms with regarding what she had done......but he at least knew that
what she'd done came from the sincerity of deeply felt convictions that
had come at a price for her.  For that, he could free himself from the
lingering distaste and animus that had stayed in his mind all this time. 
They could never be friends again in the way they had been.  But they
could at least feel at peace with each other from now on.  And Starbuck
knew that would make his father happy.
     By the time Starbuck left her chambers to return to the Landing Bay
and to the Galactica, he knew that he would have a lot to talk about when
he got back.


     As soon as Starbuck had left her quarters, a relaxed and confident
Ayesha decided that the time had come to take care of another critical
piece of business.  One that would allow her to prove that she hadn't
spoken empty words to Starbuck.
     "Whoever you are," she said aloud, "Show yourself."
     Nothing happened at first.  Her tone then rose.  "Are you afraid,
whoever you are?"
     Finally, he appeared before her.  The human form had returned.  But
the angry glare of his expression revealed the evil of his true self that
lurked underneath the facade.
     "How *dare* you presume to defy me?" he whispered, "You.....the
ultimate hypocrite.  Abandoning your true love for the power and ambition
that you knew before."
     "You lie," she held her ground, "The Lords brought me here to save
the Detente and save the Fleet from the treachery you hoped to sow from
this."
     And then......Ayesha boldly took a step toward him.  "And above
all......I know now that the Lords placed me here to save
Baltar......from you."
     He let out a mocking laugh, "You think you can save Baltar from me? 
*I* am the one who made his rescue possible!  *I* am the one who made him
realize the truth of what has happened to the centurions.  What he has he
*owes* to me!"
     "I find it interesting that you don't claim to be responsible for
what happened to the centurions," she said pointedly.  "Does that come
from......other quarters?"
     He visibly flinched as if he hadn't expected her to zero in on that. 
Ayesha wasn't sure why she had either, unless......she had received the
hidden subconscious inspiration that she knew she needed to guide her
through this trial, just as she'd needed it during her conversation with
Starbuck.
     "Are you afraid to answer that?" her voice was quiet, but pointed. 
"Just as you are afraid of me?"
     "I fear *nothing*!" the words came out in a demonic spat.
     "Yet you focused on me.  To get me to do something of my own free
will that would mean abandoning Baltar," she put an edge of hate into her
words.  "To leave him alone and vulnerable so that your voice would be
all he hears.  Because now I realize that all this time, you've been
periodically torturing him with your presence.  But so long as he knows
I'm here.....he won't give in to you.  And that's how it will remain. 
Always."
     "Your arrogance will be your downfall one day!" he spat again.
     "It isn't arrogance to declare the power of the Lords is superior to
you," she held her ground.  "I draw strength from them......to cast you
out from this place.  I say to you.....in the name of the Lords and upon
the Book of the Word.......Begone!" 
     She motioned her arm outward as she spoke the last word in the form
of a command.  And then.....she saw the white-robed man become the
demonic figure one more time for a brief flash......and then he was gone.
     Almost immediately, Ayesha dropped to her knees and with her hands
clasped in prayer, let out some much needed tears of catharsis.


     The evening cycle had begun by the time Baltar returned from his
long meeting with Commander Moray.  He found Ayesha already lying in
their bed, but with her eyes open indicating that she'd waited.
     "How was Starbuck?" the one-time human traitor said with an air of
general indifference as he settled next to her.
     "The inspection went fine," she said quietly.  "He....was interested
in that deactivated terminal on Level Three."
     "Level Three?" he looked up.
     "Yes.  Dunamis, the centurion in charge of that level explained what
its purpose was."
     "Oh....." he drooped slightly as he removed his boots.  "Oh yes,
that.  I.....should have explained that long ago.  It's just that.....it
no longer had any relevance to the current situation."
     "I understand," she said.  "Still.....it is remarkable to know that
a direct communication link all the way back to Gomorrah does exist."
     "Believe me, Ayesha, I have no desire to turn that thing back on
just to taunt Spektor....if in fact he's still the one running things
there," he massaged his feet.  "And Adama wouldn't have much use for it,
either.  He certainly doesn't want to talk to anyone back in that region
of space.  That's all behind us now."
     "Yes," she acknowledged and her voice grew quieter and more
philosophical.  "Yes, it is.  It's all behind us Baltar.  In so many
ways."
     He stopped undressing and looked down at his wife, gazing up at him
with thoughtfulness and even.....tenderness.  An emotion that had been
lacking during the frenzied mad passion days of their marriage in the
pre-Destruction period.  Yet since her unexpected return to him.....it
had been the one defining emotion she'd expressed in intimate moments.
     "Is there......something you want to tell me?" he hesitated to ask.
     "Yes, there is, Baltar," Ayesha said simply.  "From this night
on.....you'll never hear evil voices or see visions of someone specific
again.  Not while I'm here."
     He stiffened, not expecting to hear this.  He had been afraid to
tell her of the voices and the visions of Iblis that had occasionally
returned in the last yahren to haunt him.  Thinking it would be too much
for her to understand, even though he had seen so much wisdom in her this
past yahren that he'd never realized she was capable of.  But all of
which he now realized had been due to who she'd become and not who she'd
been.
     "You....." he fumbled for words, "You.....know?"
     "Yes," Ayesha nodded.  "I know.  And that's why....I can tell you
that you don't have to be afraid any longer.  Because I'm here.  And I'm
not afraid."
     Baltar found himself unable to say anything more as he reached down
and pulled his wife to him.  Knowing that as long as she was part of his
life, then for Iblis......there would be no "next time."


Fleeing from the Cylon tyranny.......the last Battlestar Galactica leads
a rag-tag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest.  A shining planet called.....
Earth.