Date: 4 Jan 1999 Title: Casualties Author: Melissa Rating: PG Classification: Starbuck POV Summary: Love can be a casualty of war Disclaimer: I don't anticipate trouble but, if any should occur, the Co-President of the OAD is a lawyer. This story was inspired by a song called "I'd Die Without You" by PM Dawn. The lyrics for this song are quoted throughout. ***************************************** "Is it my turn to wish you were lying here. I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping. Is it my turn to fictionalize my world. Or even imagine your emotions to tell myself anything..." Complete chaos. Total helplessness. Ultimate fear. These are only a few of the emotions that have overwhelmed me in the past few sectons. I can't begin to comprehend the future of those survivors that made it off the colonies and into the assorted ships that now make up the fleet following behind us. Following. To a place only spoken of in myths and legends. A place that Adama believes will be the answer to our prayers for a new life, away from the Cylons. Adama. The man that I always thought of as a father and the man that I cursed as I watched the Galactica pull away in the middle of the Cylon attack. You had every right to be angry at me. I didn't know what had fully happened and you were trying to tell me but I kept pushing you away. I can't explain why. Just centons before I had looked at your picture in my viper, hoping that your smile would burn itself in my memory should my damaged ship crash into the landing bay. And yet as I jumped down from my viper, you were the first person I saw and I didn't welcome your embrace. You tried to tell me what had happened but I didn't believe you and I stormed off in ignorance. The thought turns my stomach even now. When I made it to the bridge and saw the aftermath with my own eyes, I felt as if a thousand knives had stabbed me in the heart. I felt dizzy with despair as I saw our home planet burning, our friends dying. Suddenly, all I could think about was you and how relieved I was that you hadn't gone back to Caprica for the armistice celebration. I felt myself starting to go numb as I always had during times of tragedy. It was then I realized I had to find you. We are so much alike, you and I. We were taught at the Academy to shut down our emotions in times of crisis and go on autopilot, filtering out the things that weaken us. But you and I have always found a way to share our grief together, finding solace in comforting words that helped us to look forward. I'm certain that Adama and Apollo had kept their own grief hidden in order to carry out their duties and I know now that you had come to the landing bay, not only to embrace my safe return to the Galactica, but also to share your sorrow and find comfort in my arms. But I was too late. When I found you, you were already wearing the stone expression on your face. The wall of sorrow was already surrounding you and I was too weak myself to break through it. It may have seemed that I turned my back to you out of courtesy for your state of undress, but I couldn't bear to see the pain in your eyes. You suggested that we talk later and only now do I see the wisdom of that request. You were too distraught, I was too anxious and I regret my persistence as it only made things worse. I winced as you told me you didn't want to care about anyone anymore, especially me. You were cutting yourself off from feeling any more pain and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Perhaps if I could've faced you, you would've seen the longing in my eyes and I could've drawn you back from the cold and lonely place that you had retreated to. But I couldn't. I felt myself going to that same place, which wouldn't have been so bad had I been able to join you there. But if you wouldn't let me in here, then we would've been more isolated in our two separate hells. As much as I wanted to stay and pull you out of your darkness, I'm a Colonial Warrior and my first obligation is to the Galactica. And you were right. I do live for the excitement, but I know you do as well. When you were first assigned to the Galactica, I could only be sympathetic as you were coerced into accepting a bridge assignment, knowing that you were itching to join a squadron. Like Zac. I know you don't blame me for what happened to Zac but I can't help but wonder if things would've been different had I gone on my own patrol. Would I have been able to outrun the Cylon attack force that crippled Zac's fighter? Or would I have been killed just like him? I thought about how that might have been a blessing as I left the locker room, feeling a hole in my heart that would have been less painful had it been made by a Cylon's scabard. "Is it my turn to hold you by your hands. Tell you I love you and you not hear me... Is it my turn to totally understand. To watch you walk out of my life and not do a damn thing..." Had I completely lost you? I wasn't sure. I put on my best Pyramid face and went about my duties as there was plenty to do. Every time I would finish one task, another was waiting for me. The chaos that prevailed was everywhere, no more so than the various ships that now held more people than their capacity allowed for. I knew you were probably back on the bridge, doing your part to put things back in some semblance of order. Were you thinking of me? Could you possibly be reconsidering my none too obvious proposal? If there had ever been a time for clarity, that was it, but I did my usual dance even though _I_ had brought up the subject. What I wouldn't give to get that moment back now. But I had to concentrate on the population survey and those before me who were far less fortunate than I. I tried to maintain my usual persona and that might have been what got me into trouble. While I may have appeared strong and confident, I was dying inside. It's very possible that Cassiopiea saw through my facade and it appealed to her sense of compassion. I was trying very hard not to wear my vulnerability on my flight jacket but she was trained to recognize such things and that may have been why she threw her arms around me so many times. Each time she did, I prayed that the past few centars had been a dream. That I would pull back and see your face smiling back at me. But that didn't happen and I found myself seeking consolation in Cassie's arms. Meaningless consolation. That's all it has been for me and I believe for her as well. She was desperate not to return to the hostile civilian ship that I found her on and I'm certain that she saw me as her ticket towards that goal. At the same time, she could fulfill my physical needs, even though they no longer seem significant to me now. While your words in the locker room had stung, I knew that they weren't intentionally meant to hurt me. Yet, as usual, I was thinking with the wrong head as I followed Cassie into the launch tube, knowing full well that anyone could find us there. Knowing that you could find us there. I know that Cassie felt safe on the Galactica and would have done anything to stay aboard. I'm not sure what had gotten into me except that I was lonely and needy. I missed you terribly but didn't know when I would get the chance to see you again or if you would be too far withdrawn for me to reach you. Once again, I believe that Cassie's experience enabled her to sense my despair and she probably thought that my distraction might interfere with her plans to make the Galactica her new home. I don't think she meant any harm in seducing me. She was just trying to survive... as we all are. "Oh, I apologize for all the things I've done. But now I'm underwater and I'm drowning... Is it my turn to be the one to cry. Isn't it amazing how some things just completely turn around..." Needless to say, I received an introduction into my own personal hell the following day. The burn between my legs wasn't half as painful as the aching in my heart. I hadn't seen you but I was pretty sure that you had heard of my indiscretion. Of course I didn't know til later that you were responsible for its unexpected interruption, but that didn't matter at the time. I knew that any chance I had of bringing you back to me was now gone. How could you trust me now? And Apollo. I knew he was aware of the situation and would no doubt forbid me to go anywhere near you. He never did though. He did say however that he didn't expect me to get through the mission in the mine field without a great deal of anguish. That, and the look in his eyes, told me everything I needed to know. Even Boomer shot me a disparaging look. I had disappointed my friends. I had disappointed myself. At that point, I didn't care if I made it back from the mine fields. But I did. And a new hope beckoned as we landed on Carillon. Plenty of food, plenty of shelter... plenty of everything. Especially fun. Something I know we were all desperate for. When I saw all the lights and heard the music, all the people there having a great time, I wanted to find you and bring you down there to share it with me. Then reality kicked me in the gut. How could I face you after proposing to you and then jumping into the arms of another woman? No... you deserve better. Then I felt a soft hand on mine as I played in the casino. I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief as I turned, expecting to see your face. Instead, I saw Cassie's. I couldn't be disappointed to see her, why should I? She hadn't done anything wrong and I had no reason to dislike her. If anything, I had every reason _to_ like her. And here, once again, she was filling a void, albeit temporarily. Or so I thought. When she suddenly got up and left the table, I figured that I would not see her again that night or possibly any other night. I remember she had whispered something in my ear but I had been too occupied with the game to pay attention. But then your voice broke my concentration. I must have seemed suspect as I fumbled with my words but I couldn't believe it. You had actually been looking for me! And you looked absolutely beautiful. I hate myself for not telling you that. I hate myself for not immediately taking you out of the casino to a quiet place where we could talk and work things out. You would be by my side now. Yet I underestimated Cassie's intentions towards me and when she returned with that key... my personal hell became my new home. As a Socialator, I assumed that she would have withdrawn her affections upon seeing you, but it appears as if she has put her past behind her and has long range plans for me. And I just stood there like an idiot, not knowing what to say or do. I owe Cassie my gratitude for her kindness, but I owe you so much more. I told you that I didn't deserve the steam burn you gave me, but I did. I deserve worse. I saw the tears in your eyes, as I do now, and another piece of my heart crumbled. "So take every little piece of my heart... So take every little piece of my soul... So take every little piece of my mind... 'Cause if you're gone... inside... I'd die without you..." What would I give up to turn back time? To have returned your embrace in the landing bay and held on for eternity. To have rejected Cassie's invitation to the launch tube. To have gone after you on Carillon and forced you to hear me out. To have proposed to you again after Apollo and Serina announced their engagement instead of turning tail and running like a scared daggit. To have been standing in Serina's place when the Cylon fired his laser. To go over to you now and hold you in my arms. I don't think I've ever felt as helpless as I do right now. There you are, as grief stricken as I've ever seen you, being comforted by your father as we wait for Serina to take her last breath. I see in your eyes that you need me but, with Cassie by my side, it's impossible. Talk about adding sodium to the wound. I'm sure that Cassie is the last person you want to see right now but I no longer have any control over this, as if I ever did. It doesn't appear that I have control over anything in my life anymore. The Cylons. It begins and ends with them. I find myself in a place where I feel completely expendable, a choice that I have made. For a moment, I thought I had everything to live for. Now, I treat every patrol like it's my last and, while the thought of dying doesn't please me, I know that I alone must make the sacrifice should it come down to me or another pilot, especially Apollo. More so now than ever before. I'm beginning to understand now why you didn't want to care about anyone anymore. It hurts too much. This is why I can't hold on to hope that you and I will find a way to be together. I couldn't bear to go through what Apollo is going through right now. And now that you will be spending more time in a viper than on the bridge, the odds of your survival have decreased. Perhaps you had the right idea. Distancing ourselves from each other will soften the blow. But as I see Apollo exit the life center, I know that I am fooling myself. "If I have to give away... The feeling that I feel. If I have to sacrifice... Oh, whatever babe, whatever baby. If I have to take apart... All that I am... Is there anything that I would not do, 'Cause inside I'd die without you..." The End