Fast As I Can by Barb Conway Feb 27, 1999 Thanks to: My sister and Sanna for introducing me to Great Big Sea; Cassie Kirk for writing another song-inspired story that helped inspire me to do this. Disclaimer: Characters belong to Glen Larson (or Universal Pictures?); song lyrics and title are owned and copyrighted by Great Big Sea; story idea is mine, or at least something inspired me and delivered it- I just wrote it down. Maybe the real credit goes to the muses. ************************* I can't believe I let Starbuck talk me into this dinner tonight. I should have known something was up from the way he smirked at me when we were getting ready to launch for patrol. I know that look. It's the same look he gets when he's about to put one over on some would-be card shark who thinks he has him beat. Or when he's about to hit me up for credits for his latest gaming system that "can't lose". I have known him too long to let him pressure me like that but he can be just too damned charming, sometimes. There was a time not too long ago when Starbuck needed all the charm he could muster. Back when he was seeing Athena, there were times when our friendship was strained almost to the breaking point. I can't count the number of times I kept my mouth shut when all I wanted to do was throttle him for hurting my sister. It was never intentional, that's just the way Starbuck is. The same sort of unpredictable quality that gives him his edge in a battle also makes him kind of hard to fathom at other times. At least to other people. He and I have been such close friends for so long, we can't hide anything from each other anymore. That was why it was hard for me to stand by and watch him and my sister fight when I could see both sides of whatever issue they were fighting about. Usually it was about Starbuck's wandering eye. We all have our weaknesses. I've always known that his were wagering and beautiful women. And he would be the first to admit it too. At least now, he will. It drove Athena crazy when she knew he was out without her, because she always wondered if he would wake up in his own billet in the morning or somewhere else. To be honest, I don't think Starbuck ever "cheated" on Athena when they were together, but he was always willing to be seen with another knockout beauty on his arm. Part of that legendary Starbuck charm. Athena needed more stability than that. She was . . . frack, she still is too impatient to play the emotional games he does. I know it sounds like I'm calling down my best friend but I don't mean to. I'm not the greatest communicator when it comes to this sort of thing. Give me a roomful of Viper pilots and a mission to accomplish and I can plan, communicate, and execute that without blinking. Right down to the finest elements of timing and strategy. Just don't ask me to accurately communicate my emotions or anyone else's. It's not something I think about often. It hurts too much because I can't help but be reminded of the last person who made me feel something inside. Serina and I met just after the destruction, during the flight from the colonies. Father and I had flown down to the surface of Caprica. We were hoping beyond hope that Mother was alright and we'd find her safe at home. We found her, in a manner of speaking. There wasn't anything left to find. Our house took a direct hit from one of the Cylon attack runs. There was barely enough of it left to be called a home. And Mother had not been safe. The only consolation I have is that her death must have been instantaneous. Most of hers and my Father's bedroom, her drawing room, and the kitchen were pretty much vaporized. She didn't suffer, I'm sure of that. She may not have even known what happened. While my Father gathered some remembrances and tried to deal with the loss of my Mother, I wandered around what was left of the house. The destruction was surprisingly incomplete. In the corner of what was our living room I found the blackened remains of a computer that had been on the desk in Athena's old room, directly upstairs from where I was. It was melted and charred, almost beyond recognition, but right beside it was a holopic of our younger brother, Zac, from the day he got his commission. It was untouched except for a little dirt, almost as though it just fell off the desk onto the floor. I left it where it was, promising myself I wasn't going to feel anything anymore. Zac dead, Mother dead . . . I remembered what Athena had said earlier on the Galactica bridge as the scope of what was happening on our homeworlds had begun to sink in. They trusted us to protect them. With all our military firepower and training, we failed the people who meant the most to us. I started to make my way back to my Father when, out of the remains of the kitchen window, I noticed people making their way down the hill behind the house to where my Viper was, just across a small meadow. When I found Father I could tell he wasn't quite ready to leave yet. It hurt me to see how hard this was hitting him. I was afraid he would lose himself in the memories of how our family used to be, but he assured me he was just gathering a few things. I couldn't bear to stay in the house any longer with all those memories of the way things used to be, so I left him to be alone with our Mother's memory for a few final moments. I went outside to meet the crowd of people that began to gather around my Viper. They were the most forlorn, shell-shocked, emotionally empty group of people I have ever seen. That is, until they saw me. They had lost everything they had, they were angry, and they wanted answers. They demanded to know where in Hades the Colonial warriors had been while the Cylons were busy blasting everything in sight. They thought we had abandoned them. It was then that I realized that I was as much in shock as they were. I didn't know what to tell them. What could I say? So I didn't say anything. What happened next went so fast, I realize now that I was lucky to have survived. A couple of the bigger men in the group grabbed me and backed me up against my Viper. They were about to beat me senseless, and probably would have killed me if it hadn't been for Serina. They were so angry and upset, they needed to blame somebody and I was right there in front of them. To this day, I don't know why I didn't defend myself. I've handled unruly crowds before, but this time it was different. It is almost too frightening to admit, but I think that is the closest I have been to not caring whether I lived or died. Anyway, Serina stopped them before they could start on me. Before they tore me apart, she wanted a few answers of her own about what had happened. It seems a bit strange to me now, but even then, with all that had happened, I was struck by her strength. It wasn't her beauty that first attracted me, it was her independence. With all she had experienced that day, all the death and destruction, she still had the intestinal fortitude to stand up to those men to get what she wanted. And they listened to her. Because of her, I am still alive. Because of me, she is dead. Somehow, in the first sectar or so following the carnage of that day, we fell in love. At first, Serina was just trying to get me to help her with her son. Boxey. His daggit was killed during the bombing raids on Caprica and he was pretty upset. The last thing I wanted to do was get involved with him. He reminded me too much of when Zac was little, though Zac was only six yahrens younger than I was. Boxey has the same kind of innocence about him that Zac did. It was as though whatever went on around him never touched him. He could still be happy and laugh about the silliest thing. Gods, I miss hearing him laugh. I'd give anything to have Zac walk through the door and tease me for being too serious. But I couldn't resist after I got to know Boxey. I suppose I felt that I owed it to him, somehow, to set things right for him. Especially since I wasn't able to keep the poor kid from being uprooted from everything he knew, shoved onto a cramped starship, and dragged halfway across the universe, continually on the run from the Cylons. I called in a favour from Dr. Wilker and had him rig up an android to look like a daggit. Well, I guess Muffit doesn't look much like a real daggit, but Boxey took a shine to him, so it didn't matter. Spending time with Boxey and Serina, well, one thing led to another and the next thing I knew, I was falling hard for a woman I hardly knew. As I did get to know her, I found out she was as beautiful and intelligent as she was strong. She was never afraid to tell me what was on her mind, especially when she didn't agree with me. I sometimes wonder how things would have turned out if Serina would have lived. Our relationship was forged in a time of such upheaval and uncertainty, maybe we were both reaching out and hanging on for dear life to anything that seemed remotely solid. Then, as quickly as she appeared in my life, Serina was gone. Now it is just Boxey and I. He really is a great kid and I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without him in it. If it wasn't for him, I don't think I could have gotten through those first few sectars after Serina's death. Part of it was simply the demands of looking after a six-yahren old and part of it was trying to help him deal with all that had happened to him. He was there for me too, though. I don't understand how such a young child could instinctively know when I felt the lowest, but whenever I did, he was there with a hug for me or a smile. Even now, whenever I get into a tough spot, I think of him and he gives me the strength to keep going. Like the time Boxey, Athena and Boomer were trapped with other members of the crew in the rejuvenation center during one of the many Cylon attacks. God, I almost lost the rest of my family in that attack. My Father was injured when a Cylon suicide fighter packed with solenite rammed the Galactica's bridge. Only Dr. Salik's skill and blind luck saved him. It had to be the same blind luck that saved Boxey and Athena in that fire. Even when Starbuck and I were setting the explosive charges on the ouside of the Galactica to create hull breaches in the right places to extinguish the fire, I was praying to the Lords that they would beat the odds and live. I was terrified of having to go on alone. Then I made an almost fatal mistake. I missed catching a handhold on the hull when I finished placing the last charge and floated away from the Galactica, right in line with the most concentrated area of charges. As I waited for the explosion and the resultant shrapnel that would surely carve my environment suit to pieces, I thought again of Boxey. Somehow, I knew then that he and Athena and my Father were going to be alright. Ironically, I also realized that my chances of ever seeing them or anyone else again were slim. But the Gods blessed me again that day as Starbuck had disobeyed my order to get back inside the Galactica, and launched himself toward me when he saw that I was in trouble. His momentum, when he hit me, carried both of us out of harm's way. Miraculously, we avoided the flying shrapnel from the explosion and wound up free-floating out in space. Sheba found us and circled nearby in her Viper until a shuttle could come out and pick us up. When we were back in the safety of the landing bay, she almost knocked me off my feet when she ran up to hug both Starbuck and I. With the disappearance of her father's ship so fresh in her mind, I think she was relieved not to have to lose two more friends. At least, that was what I thought then. Now, I know there was more to it, whether she realized it at that time or not. I guess that brings me back to the beginning. Starbuck and I started our patrol this morning innocently enough. He was telling me about his and Cassie's plans for their upcoming wedding. One subject led to another and the next thing I knew, I was agreeing to dinner on the Rising Star with him and Cassiopeia. And Sheba. I don't know if this was Starbuck's idea or if Cassie or Sheba put him up to it. I suspect, though, that this was something he arranged. I won't deny that I feel something for Sheba, but . . . I just can't commit myself to someone right now. Starbuck and Athena have both talked to me about this. They can't believe I'm not interested in a relationship with Sheba. It's just not that simple. She's an amazing woman and they don't think I can see that. Just like they think I don't realize that she is attracted to me. Athena gets frustrated trying to get me to see what I already know is there. She has been trying to get me together with Sheba ever since she came aboard. I know she is thinking of my happiness, but sometimes I wish she would just give it a rest and let things happen in their own good time. Sheba really is a lovely woman. She is strong, a lot like Serina was and, again, I'm sure this was one of the first things that attracted me to her. She is also much more outgong than I am. She seems to have an ability to talk to people and put them at ease. I often manage to do the opposite. She has an easy way with people, like Cassiopeia or my Father. She's impulsive like Starbuck, and sensitive like Athena. It is funny how she seems to have so many of the qualities I admire in my friends and family. And then there is the outright recklessness that can only come from her father. Sheba has been amazingly patient about this whole thing. As her strike commander and friend, I happen to know that patience is not one of her strong suits. I can see that she is beginning to wonder what is going on with me, though. If I could explain it to myself, then maybe I could explain it to her. All I know is that I'm afraid for the future, for all of us. And for myself. Maybe it is selfish, as Athena tells me, but I've lost a wife already. Only now am I beginning to be able to think about Serina without my breath catching in my throat. Allowing yourself to love someone is terrifying. You let them into your very soul without knowing how long you may have together. It could be a lifetime, it could be a secton. If you are lucky . . . . I do love Sheba. I just can't say it to her yet. I'd rather go up against a whole squadron of Cylons alone than open myself up for the kind of pain I went through when Serina died. I don't ever want to go back there, it is too much to endure again. Quite frankly, I'd give myself better odds against the Cylons. If that makes me a coward, so be it. I just don't think I would be doing any service to Sheba by beginning a relationship with her when I am not willing to open up to her completely and honestly. She deserves at least that much from me. So that is why I am dreading seeing her tonight. Oh, we'll have a nice dinner and some conversation with good friends, but then Starbuck and Cassiopeia will make their excuses and leave. And I will have to ask Sheba yet again, to be patient with me. I've got so many feelings to sort out and it's going to take some time. I hope she has the strength to wait. I'm just not ready to say "I love you" yet. - The End -