[Author's notes: This side-story dealing with leaking alternate universes was written by R. S. Hadley, published along with the main story by J. R. Janoski's Colonial Enterprises in 1988, revised by RSH in 1993 and 2007. General warning: This is the lunatic-humor side of "Galacticamania" unleashed on the innocent reader. It was inspired by a very old (1981-2?) little fanzine story (title forgotten) by I. Joan Kokolus, but put through the 'MANIAverse mangler. The editor was aware of the inspiration and raised no objection. Also blame Douglas Adams, a lot.] *** GALACTICAMANIAVERSE: COSMIC COLLISIONS OF THE FUTURISTIC KIND The GALACTICA Warriors had grown more accustomed to weirdness at any given moment, but they were about to enter an adventure so strange, not many would bother attempting to explain it. On the bridge, during a dull moment, 3 sparkling lights twinkled merrily into existence. They were soon replaced by three apparent humans. All wore red uniform jackets and unsettled expressions. The trio's leader glanced about, then removed an object from his belt, flipped it open, and snapped sarcastically into it: "Wonderful, Scotty - _where have you beamed us_??!" "Scott here, sir," came a brogue-accented reply. "I really dinna know - we have a transporter malfunction to deal with, here." "Of course!" growled one of the troupe. "Where are we _now_, eh?!" Commander Adama faced the intruders, sensing that they were too bewildered for it to be an invasion. "Who are you?" A reasonable question, under the circumstances. The trio's leader stared back, a touch defiantly. "Who are _you_...sir?" The communicator popped back into life again, asking for "Captain Kirk?" "Kirk here." "Th' malfunction's repaired - I think. More or less. Locked onto ye an' beamin' now..." Again the glow. But the teleport beam had instead captured Aristephone, Colonel Tigh, and Athena. Kirk winced. "I'm terribly sorry. It's been one of those days. Things just _will_ work this way sometimes." The group's third member, a tall, pointy-eared alien whose greenish tinge lent him a spacesick look, merely raised his eyebrows tolerantly. The older, caustic man cursed. "Scotty, you screwed up!" wailed the Captain in despair. "You just kidnapped three crewmembers of this alien ship! Are they over there?" "No, sir. I fear they've been sent planetside." "Oh, efficiency at work!" Kirk 'marvelled'. "Can you beam _us_ back without incident?" "Really, sir! No need to blast me outta existence! For all its glory, the bloody thing's capricious as heck!" Adama listened to this exchange for a moment, then sighed, and with a dazed, put-upon feeling, called Apollo, Starbuck, and Zellandra to the bridge. "We have aliens aboard..." Adama began, only to be enthusiastically interrupted. "That's nothing new now," Starbuck remarked. "Ar'kinlans, Rendelmarians..." "You _know_ that's not what I meant. Those people," he pointed out, indicating their surprise guests, "aren't in our crew! Nor are they Hellraisers. And Ari, Athena, and Tigh have been inadvertently teleported away by their colleagues. Are you getting sloppy in your advancing age?" he asked, mock-snidely. "I thought you reported no ships in the area?" "True," Apollo confirmed. "There weren't any, last time we looked." "But you know how things like that work," Zellie added. The glow of light began again, this time operating correctly. They watched the strangers depart. "I assume you'd like us to go out and investigate this weirdness very closely?" "Sounds advisable, Starbuck. Let's get out of here. No arguments - I'm coming with you. Omega - you take command. I'm sure you'd enjoy that." Omega nodded in assent. Briefly, he wondered why he always had to be stuck up here on the ship. It could be terribly boring. But Rigel was a lovely compensation for ennui... **** The Warriors Vipered down to the planet in a hurry. As they did, a voice came in over their flight com. "This is Han Solo, guys - you're on my runway, and I'm in a rush! Clear the way; the Millennium Falcon waits for no one!" Quickly the Warriors did as advised, and the large, ratty-looking craft belligerently zoomed off into the planet's clouds. Getting back on course, they soon landed on-planet, on a hillside. Whoever inhabited this world had strange taste in decoration; there were a bunch of great white letters perched on the cliff, and they read 'HOLLYWOOD'. They descended the hill, examined the large enigma, and went on their way. An arrow whistled past them, but only hit a tree. Assuring herself there would be no repeat to this anonymous archery show, Zellie stalked to the impaled object, extricated the arrow, and found a note attached to the thing: "Mrs. Peel, we're needed." As she studied this mysterious missive, a slim young jumpsuited woman approached. Smiling, she held her hand out, gesturing to the arrow that Zellie had appropriated. "Madam?" she politely enquired. The Captain warily handed her the weapon and attached note. The newcomer took it, surveyed the note, and crossed to a large rock, waiting calmly. From behind the rock, a bowler hat emerged. After a pause, as if checking that no one would fire at it, it was joined by an outrageously overdressed gentleman, hat perched atop his umbrella. He grinned charmingly. "Did you have a good time?" he asked the woman? "Oh, smashing!" she chuckled. They departed the scene, arms linked. Adama and Co. stared at each other. Hadn't that man looked like - Count Iblis? Weird... There came an approaching pounding, louder than running human footsteps. Four humans came, riding furiously on four-legged equine creatures - pursued by Cylons! The Warriors got behind cover and tensely waited. The men pulled their mounts to a halt, dismounted, and dived behind the convenient rocks. "Whew!" exclaimed the youngest, a kid approximately 20, wearing a green jacket. "Bullets sure don't work on those critters!" "Yes, so we can _tell_," replied another, a sardonic-faced man with dark hair and clothing. The other younger one was brown-haired and huge. He looked, as did GALACTICA's Lieutenant Jolly, like a man who greatly enjoyed engaging in enormous feeding frenzies. The last, eldest of the four, was tall and gray-haired. Upon seeing him, the Warrior team nearly threw a fit - for he looked uncannily like a younger Adama... "Ohh, my Lord..." the Commander gasped, almost dropping his blaster and shooting himself in the foot. "Who are you??" "The Cartwrights. Adam, Hoss, Little Joe, and me - Ben..." He broke off, staring at Adama. "Why do you look like me?" they asked in unison. An eerie strain of music floated through the air, accompanied by a disembodied voice discoursing about a dimension known as the Twilight Zone. Then, odd mechanical creatures shaped like giant pepper-shakers with guns rolled into view, screeching "WE ARE THE DALEKS! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" The humans not being visible to them, behind cover as they were, the homicidal beasties engaged the Cylons in battle instead. Within centons, the two warlike robotic races had shot each other to bits. "Wow! That was short!" exclaimed Starbuck. "Uh, Pa..." said Joe weakly. "I think we've been out in the sun too long..." "Got any suggestions about our next move?" Adam hissed at Ben. "Yeah," came Ben's dazed reply. "I suggest..._we get the hell outta here!!_" he concluded. This won instant approval from his sons. The four of them raced to their mounts, leaped on, and charged away, the kid's scream of "_Ponderosa, here we come!_" trailing into the distance. "I'm inclined to feel the same way!" Adama admitted, shaking his head confusedly. "That made no sense. The Ar'kinlans regenerated me! How could he see that I resembled him? I haven't changed back, have I?" "You still look the same," Zellie assured him. "Then why...?" Zellie considered. "Artistic license?" "In other words, the writer's playing with our brains again." "Sure seems that way, Commander!" "I've _got_ to have a talk with that woman someday..." Starbuck had found a book lying on a nearby rock, resting on a neatly-folded towel. Its cover identified it as _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. In huge letters, it also read "DON'T PANIC!" "Ah! Some rationality!" Zellie commented. "I wonder how Zaphod Beeblebrox is doing these days..." "Who?" "Oh, a crazy, two-headed, three-armed alien president of another star system. He's a lot of fun. You can read about him in the book." "Let's check it out." Starbuck withdrew the electronic book from its cover and examined the control buttons. He pushed a few at random and came up, not with Zaphod, but the subject of Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blasters, the drink almost universally acknowledged as having the effect of being hit over the head by a large gold brick wrapped in a slice of lemon. "Fascinating, eh?" grinned Zellie. The peace was disturbed by several astonishing wheezes a short distance away. A shape materialized, presenting the shape of a blue police callbox - something obscure for most parts of any galaxy. The door opened and out stepped a man, tall and white-haired, dressed theatrically in frilled shirt, velvet jacket, and opera cape. "Doctor!" the Galacticans shouted. "Uh...hi, again. What are you all doing here?" "Basically being confused," Adama admitted. "It's a very long story." "I see..." The Doctor stared at him, then his uniform. "Wait. Are you...Commander Adama? You didn't look like that the last time I saw you!" Adama sighed. "I briefly learned what it's like to be a Time Lord. But you know; you were also involved in the War with Count Iblis..." "No doubt I will be, but I haven't been yet," The Doctor 'clarified'. Adama briefly tossed this around in his mind, then gave up. "Right." "I must say, you don't quite look the part of a dignified, refined statesman," The Doctor joked. "However did your Council of Twelve deal with it?" "With difficulty." Adama suddenly laughed. "You shouldn't call me that." "A statesman?" "Yes. A statesman is a dead politician. Lords know, however, we need more statesmen..." Another burst of wheezes interrupted him. A second TARDIS fuzzed into the form of a file cabinet, then an outdoor lavatory. Its occupants disembarked. There were three of them, each young and fairly tall. An attractive, inquisitive, brown-haired woman; her partner, a gaunt, sharp-faced man with red hair and clear blue eyes; and an exuberant, beautiful female, darkly red-haired, with mysterious green eyes. "Oh, how embarrassing!" groaned the first woman, appraising their ship's disguise. The red-haired woman remarked, "Jo, if we get into trouble and have to return to the TARDIS, I don't suppose you want any cracks about 'having to go'?" "Right, Shannon..." Jolene winced. "Jolene! Shannon!" The Doctor called. The threesome joined the rest of the group. They knew Shannon O'Connor and Jolene Whomana, but were not familiar with their male companion, introduced as Turlough. A riot of introductions exploded forth. "You don't know me yet, I'm sure, but you will," Turlough commented to The Doctor. "I'm enlisted to kill your fifth self, but become your companion instead. After I return to my planet, I meet Jolene and Shannon, marry your wonderfully weird daughter, and together with Shan, travel as 'the Terrible Trio'. Got all that?" "I think so. I see I have a lot to look forward to." "You do! Anyway," concluded Jolene, "we were in the Vortex and caught sight of your TARDIS. We decided to track you, and ended up here." Any further comment was sidetracked by a warning yell. Two young people, a man and a woman, dashed past. They were a most distracting influence, for the kid was screaming, "Get out of here! Stormtroopers are on their way!" He and the girl ran away. White-armored troops clattered by in fierce pursuit. Adama, The Doctor, and everyone else had, by that time, wisely retired to somewhere rather safer, and watched. Apollo remarked that the troopers were as bad as Cylons, something the others readily agreed with. "Except that they seem able to run a lot faster," revised Zellie, "so they're worse." "I'd like to know where Ari, Tigh, and my daughter were sent," Adama reminded them. "I'd settle for knowing exactly where _we_ are," The Doctor sighed. "What good would that do?" asked Shannon. "As I recall, even when you do know where you want to be, you never quite get there!" Jolene quietly muffled her with a scarf. Adama sighed, remembering the strangeness of these two. "The point of this mission..." he began. "What? Oh, sorry, sir," said Jolene. "Lead on!" The team proceeded into the old, deserted city, wondering why there were handprints and footprints in the sidewalk. Before they could speculate, a very little guy jaunted up from nowhere and exuded in a high, squeaky voice: "Follow the Yellow Brick Road!" "What...? Where to? What are you?" asked Adama. "'_What_ are you'?" echoed a surprised Doctor. "What great First Contact etiquette!" "I'm a Munchkin," it announced, unoffended. "Follow the YBR into Emerald City. There, the Great and Wonderful Wizard of Oz shall grant your wishes." "To find my...mislaid Warriors?" "Well, why not? That's small stuff to a wizard." He trotted away as swiftly as he'd appeared. The Doctor had discovered a bottle lying about. Picking it up, he removed the top. A beautiful female popped out in a great lot of smoke. She eyed The Doctor closely. "You are not my Master." "Right. I'm not The Master," he agreed levelly. "We seem to be looking for Emerald City. Do you know where that is?" The woman laughed. "I am a genie. You can be there with the blink of my eyes." "Ah? I'm afraid I don't believe in magic." "Oh, you are no fun! Time Lords are so logical-minded!" Irritably, she popped back into her container, which departed with a soft *bamf*. "I think you made rather a bad tactical error, dear Doctor," Shannon remarked. She gave The Doctor a wicked grin. The Doctor looked at it and shuddered. "Don't smile like that at me!" he begged. She continued. "Stop it!" She didn't. Adama wondered idly, not for the first time, if she was a latent mephistopheles. "That's not even a real smile!" the harried Time Lord added. "It's a bunch of teeth playing with my mind!" Shannon giggled and subsided, just to spare his sanity. The group abruptly came alert as some type of light craft flew over...and dumped its payload. "Oh no!" remarked Shannon. She unconsciously yelled the classic call from Earth's Renaissance warning of slop-dumping out the windows. Everyone dived hectically for cover. SPLAT!! "ARRGGH!" and "Yecch!" were the two most widely-expressed sentiments to the dreadful mess. The victims began pulling themselves back up onto their feet, dusting themselves off, shaking water out of their hair. "Commander?" asked Zellie, not seeing him immediately. "Ghaa..." came a disgusted snarl. Adama rose, and Zellie restrained her laughter at his truly perturbed look. He was a splendid mess, to be sure. "At all costs, dignity?" Zellie suggested with desperate calmness. He stood there, shaking, teeth clenched, eyes blazing a non-verbal blue streak. Zellie gave up and broke out in enormous giggles. "_What_...was _that_?" Adama growled. "Slop water, partly..." grumbled Shannon. "Out of a plane?" Apollo asked, bemused. "Well, _I'm_ not writing this story!" "Thank God." "But the writer has my type of humor," the 'Gallikinlan' reflected. "Yes, twisted." Zellie knelt, took a handful of the crud that had attacked them, sniffed. Her nose wrinkled. "Daggit food, that." "What, Alpo?" Shannon laughed. "Probably, by the smell of it." Adama was distinctly peeved. "_What_ has the writer got against me??!" he demanded, steaming slightly. "Oh, nothing. She treats everyone like this," Zellie snorted. "You have _got_ to be joking!" Zellie walked up to him, sniffing delicately. "No, I'm not, but you'd better clean up. You smell." She gestured to the side. "I think I saw a stream over there." Chortling wildly, she sauntered away with Starbuck. As dignity was about all Adama had left, he gathered that about him like his cape, stuffed his temper into a very small box, and stalked away, attempting to relax. The crew heard him mutter something about going on strike if the author continued abusing him. Half a centar later (ten centons of which were spent persuading Starbuck and Zellie to stop skinny-dipping together and put their clothes back on), the group set off yet again. A tall, somber, black-haired man was seen. Looking confused, he spoke into a personal recording device. "Diane, I was not expecting this. My search has led me...astray?" He broke off, seeing the others. "Who...?" asked Adama. "I am FBI Agent Dale Cooper. This is not Twin Peaks, is it?" "What? Not that I'm aware of!" Adama sighed. "You're lost, too?" "I've been looking for the Black Lodge..." Again, he broke off, and stared as a bird flew overhead, hooting ominously and glaring. The agent gazed at it nervously. "It's Bob..." Judging from his reaction, Adama could only assume that the bird was evil, but that seemed silly. "The owls are not what they seem..." Before the Warriors and Co. could question his cryptic comments, there was a flash of light. The owl was gone. Standing in the agent's place was a raving beast of a man with long, graying hair. Bob? He howled with mad delight and reminded the Galacticans, somehow, of Count Iblis and Jakarla. "Fire...walk with me!" the intruder hissed, and then - mercifully - was gone. But quite a lot of doughnuts were left behind. "Good God, what _is_ this?!" Adama demanded. "This one's chocolate," laughed Shannon, taking a bite. "Mmm, very good!" "Oh, this isn't helping at all! Let's _go_!" The annoyed Commander walked away as Shannon wrapped up a bunch of doughnuts and stuck them in her dimensional cloak. **** Surprisingly, things were not much calmer aboard GALACTICA. First, a rogue moon was detected, drifting by itself through space, with a moonbase on it. Alpha, it was called, and the astronauts were terribly worried that the battlestar and Fleet were another hostile alien force. They'd run up against a lot of those since Breakaway in their year 1999, their Commander explained, but _if_ they were hostile, at least they didn't have English accents as all the others seemed to... Omega couldn't really make sense of this comment, but decided to let it pass. He assured the other Commander, John Koenig, that they too were refugees. It seemed to be a promising discussion, but then the moon was gone. /Flew through a warp?/ Omega wondered. /Space is odd...but this is not helping!/ Then, a ship appeared: a bulky one, likely a mining craft, and its name, as they saw when it was scanned, was RED DWARF. "Are we space-crazy?" came a strange accent, followed by the image of an intensely sloppy "astronaut" (so to speak) with a braid. "Or do we actually see another ship out here?! Hey, Rimmer, maybe we finally found yer aliens, eh?" A man with an "H" on his forehead replied, "Lister, I told you we couldn't be alone!" "I'm so excited," exclaimed a black, feline male, "that I forgot to comb my hair!" "Oh, you're dreaming," came a casual voice. "No, we're not, Holly!" retorted Rimmer to what was evidently a computer with a human face. "Yes, you are. They're an illusion. It's been millions of years, and we _are_ alone." "Wait," broke in Omega, slightly offended at the idea that the Fleet didn't exist, "is your computer crazy? We're real!" "That depends on what you call reality," Holly replied, "and we are it, my lad." /That's scary!/ reflected Omega, considering the state of what could only loosely be termed the crew. "'Bye, now..." announced Holly, and RED DWARF lumbered away. "We're not real," Omega tried to straighten it out, "but the computer said goodbye? I need a break..." He sighed and put his head in his hands. **** Planetside, a suited man with dark, swept-back hair and a rather dark-looking smile approached the Doctor. He looked oddly familiar, but the Time Lord wasn't certain why. "What do you want?" the stranger asked. "Why are you asking?" replied the Doctor cautiously. "My associates have their reasons. Perhaps we can help you." "And you are...?" "Mr. Morden." The Doctor got a fleeting impression of black alien creatures beside the man, what he would call spiders and the Colonials would call crawlons. "Oh. I understand now. The Time Lords warn that it's best not to do business with the Shadows." Maintaining a polite, if tense, smile, Morden nodded, commented, "Fair enough," and left. Adama, meanwhile, stopped short and stared at a creature that suddenly stood before him, wearing a tall, bulky environmental suit with breathing gear and long robes. Sounds like electronic squeaking and birdsong came from it, then a human-sounding voice spoke in translation. "And so it begins." "What begins? Someone begins to explain?" Adama suggested with great hope. "If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die." "I..." Pause. Blink. "_What_?! Who are you?" "We are all Kosh." "What do _you_ want?" "Never ask that question!" "...Ahhh...never mind..." The Commander shook his head, gave up on the surreal conversation, and turned away. However, a small, furry humanoid limped up to Adama with a toothy grin and commented, "Zathras does not want you being confoozed." "It's very kind of _someone_ to say that." "But _Zathras_ is confoozed. You are not The One. There is something about you...but no." Shaking his head sadly and clicking his tongue, the little creature departed as randomly as he'd arrived. A band of bipedal creatures - generally humanoid in form, but hairless, with red eyes and orange-toned skin covered with black spots - tramped on through, wearing heavy leather garb and carrying clubs. The leader hissed slightly, giving a reptilian impression, then asked Adama, "Are you a Centauri?" "Human. I don't know who the Centauri are," Adama confessed. "Ah, good. You're safe, then. But we need to hit something soon." "Hit _those_!" Starbuck recommended. Several Cylons advanced. The aliens dashed over to them, and before the machines could react effectively, began to smash them. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! "Hah!" Shannon laughed. "It's the Narn Bat Squad!" "Any chance we can hire them to help the Fleet?" Adama asked wryly. **** "Oh dear," sighed Omega, staring out the bridge viewscreen. "Now we have giant black crawlon-like ships out here with us." "Ew. That does _not_ look good." Rigel shivered. But then they were gone, as soon as they'd appeared, with an odd metallic screech that grated on the nerves and could somehow be heard in the mind. "Well, that probably wasn't stranger than anything _else_ that's happened today," Omega noted. **** Meanwhile, planetside, the team encountered the three men who'd appeared aboard GALACTICA. As they had helped trigger this crazy adventure, it seemed logical to make contact again. The groups met. "Hello," Kirk greeted them. "We're still having problems, but that's nothing new." He glanced questioningly at the additions to the party. "I'm The Doctor." "I'm Jolene. That's Shannon and Turlough." Spock spoke up, then. "I'm scanning a large computer nearby in a cave." "Where?" asked Kirk. Spock gave the coordinates. "Let's go and get some answers," Adama declared in his best voice of Firm, Unquestionable Command (37B). Kirk turned to the Commander and apologized again. "Hopefully, we'll find your people. I always get terribly upset when any of my officers die..." Adama turned several shades paler at that. "Oh, thank you!" he gulped. "That's _just_ what I needed!" They all (star) trekked over to the cave. On the way over, Shannon found her way blocked by the Kosh creature and pointed a warning finger at him. "Don't you dare tell _me_ I'll go to Z'ha'dum and die or I'll play bagpipes at you!" "I have always been here," he intoned. But then he wasn't. "Mind you," Shannon continued to no one in particular, "Vorlons probably _like_ bagpipes..." At the cave entrance stood two costumed male humans, in black eye-concealing masks. One dressed in gray and black, with a blue cape; the other, in red and green, cape color yellow. The elder spoke. "We were alerted to your coming. Who are you?" As one, a deep sigh was heaved. "Commander Adama. Captain Apollo, Captain Zellandra, and Lieutenant Starbuck." "Captain Kirk. Mr. Spock - Doctor McCoy." "The Doctor." "Jolene. Turlough and..." "Shannon. I can speak for myself." "Indeed you can," grinned Jolene. "That, o mistress of tact, is what we fear." Shannon gently gagged her with a scarf, a reply to Jo's earlier action. "Oh, do settle down!" begged The Doctor. "Honestly, you can't be taken anywhere!" "Actually, I can. I'd probably be most welcome at those places with the dreary soft white walls." Shannon laughed and, with her usual unpredictability, gave The Doctor a large, embarrassing hug. "Never mind her," Jolene advised, extricating herself from the scarf. "She's naturally strange. That's what results from being Gallikinlan." "Gallikinlan?" echoed the Batman woodenly. "A mix of Gallifreyan and Ar'kinlan." When the Batman's blank look continued, she added, "Never mind. You really wouldn't understand." "Holy Bat Guano!" the costumed kid exclaimed confusedly. "Would you like to try for 'Holy Felgercarb'?" suggested Zellie. "NO!" the Batman asserted. "Don't give him any more exclamations to add to his collection. Anyway - I am Batman. That is Robin." "Where are we?" Adama asked. "I don't know," the Caped Crusader replied concisely. "A good question. Come, let's get inside." Inside the Bat Cave, The Doctor and Spock both wandered over to the Bat Computer. "Fascinating," was Spock's verdict. "I don't care much for computers, myself," said The Doctor, "but I suppose this does look useful." "Indeed," Spock assented, and considered a duel of wits with the Time Lord. It would be more fun than hanging around interminably with humans. The Doctor was quietly contemplating, himself. He turned to his friends. "I know about a lot of strange realities, and this is one of the strangest. Would you be terribly surprised if I informed you that this definitely isn't where I intended to go? Very far from UNIT HQ..." "Getting lost in time and space is merely part of a day's work," Shannon replied, smart-alecking. "Jolene's navigational skills aren't a lot better'n yours." Jolene groaned. Thankfully, the ringing of a phone derailed her train of thought before she could voice her black thoughts. The Batman answered. "Yes, Commissioner?" He listened, then reset the phone and allowed a dramatic pause to develop. "Yes?" snapped an exasperated Shannon. "Don't get melodramatic - tell us!" The Batman gave her a hurt look. "The Commissioner's been visited by a young man and woman. They're very strange. The girl has been begging him, 'Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope'." "What _is_ the Commissioner's name?" Apollo asked; rather logically, he thought. "Certainly not Obi-Wan Kenobi!" the Batman declared. "To the Batmobile, Robin!" The two made a dash for it and took off in a giant black vehicle armed with frighteningly large, sharp tail fins that could probably impale someone severely. Shannon stared after it, making quiet gagging gestures. "Terribly ugly, but a nice turn of speed," The Doctor observed, eyes gleaming with born daredevil spirit. "I really prefer old Bessie, myself," Jolene insisted. "To mutate an ancient phrase," remarked Shannon, "gag me with a sonic screwdriver." They had followed the two outside, and Shannon eyed the scenery. "That old costumed fatty was no help." She glanced back at the cave. "If he even existed. As you'll notice, there's nothing in that cave anymore, computer or otherwise..." "Wonderful," Starbuck grumbled. "Haunted planet? Could we please leave, perhaps?" "Where to?" returned Kirk. Abruptly, a ship sailed past, coming in for landing and inducing assorted yowls as the group, fearing they were being buzzed (or subjected to another sloppy airborne attack), dove to the ground. Zellie, glancing back up, cursed after it, growling "Bloody homicidal pilot..." Shannon regained her feet, glared over at the craft. Her eyes widened. Such a vehicle was familiar to her. Why it would be _here_, she didn't understand, but it was her favorite old Flying Brickyard: an American Space Shuttle. "Huh?" she enquired intelligently. She winced as it screeched to a halt, pulling up just in time to avoid crashing into the hill on which sat the 'HOLLYWOOD' sign. "Um...since everyone seems so interested in that hill, let's go there," Starbuck recommended tentatively, in answer to Kirk's previous question. They did so...and met a number of dazed humans in blue flight suits, staring around in confusion. "I believe the traditional comment, Captain, is: 'I don't think we're in Kansas anymore'..." "Indeed!" replied a man whom Shannon knew she remembered. "Hi! You wouldn't be Robert Crippen, by any chance?" "I like to think so, yes..." He did a doubletake. "Shannon? Shannon Keller?" "O'Connor, please. Or just Shannon. Um - Crip, what brought you here? Other than the shuttle?" "You're asking me?! I have no idea. We were preparing for landing at Edwards AFB and flew through something that bewildered heck out of the computers. They went down, and we had to make an emergency landing. We ended up wherever this place is...where are we, anyway?" "Somewhere else." "Shannon, don't use my mind as a playground, I _beg_ you." She shrugged and flipped him a wicked smile. Crippen came very close to whimpering. Kirk spoke up. "I think it's time for another round of introductions." Crippen and crew glanced at who had spoken. The ensuing silence was broken only by a groan and a thud as someone passed out. "Oh dear," was Crippen's only reply for a short time. Snapping out of it, he directed his comrades to take care of the freaked-out astronaut, then turned back. "I used to think I could handle anything. Apparently, I was wrong." "Reality's on the blink, Crip," was the casual reply. "We've all landed in an alternate reality." "Why...?" the bewildered astronaut ventured. "Don't ask me," Shannon interrupted. "As to why your shuttle insisted on landing here - perhaps it couldn't resist my charisma and was just _drawn_ to me." Crippen rolled his eyes. "You're maddening, you know that?" "Yes. I cultivate the talent." The - by now - very large group began wandering in further exploration. "A space warp in California? How fitting - could only happen there," Shannon added after a short consideration. "Shannon - I don't suppose you plan to return to NASA?" Crippen queried, deftly changing the subject. "Of course not. I'm a citizen of the Universe. Now that I've gotten off-planet, you can hardly expect me to come back and stay, Captain." "Look, I know you're alien - didn't everyone? Especially after you left and sent 'Hi, guys, remember me?!' via Voyager 2! But was it truly necessary to go AWOL, and so dramatically?" "I would have resigned formally, but I was wrangling so intensely with the bureaucrats, I didn't need more - red tape, yes? So I made it fast and walked out." Crippen groaned and subsided. Jolene grinned. "Can't handle her, can you?" "No..." "No one can, Captain - consider that a warning." "What's happening?" mumbled a bemused Starbuck. "Poor dear," sympathized Zellie. "It's getting to be too much for you, isn't it?" His reply was drowned out as a sound like a reverse cymbal crash rang out. A white outline was instantly followed by three humans, all armed and dressed like cosmic swashbucklers, reminiscent of the Hellraisers. One was tall, curly-haired, and brave-looking. Standing in front, he projected a powerful aura of born leader. His companions were opposites. One, nervous and tentative, with a not-entirely trustworthy air; the other, somber and Vulcan-like in his outer composure, looked extremely capable, and held his gun poised towards the strangers, ready for action. Everyone studied everyone else, wondering precisely what the heck was going on today. "Blake, Avon," the scared one suggested, "I don't think this is where we want to be..." "You may be right, Vila, but we don't know where we _are_." "Oh, that?" enquired Shannon, overhearing. "An alternate reality. You must have encountered a warp." "Yes, that could be," agreed the solemn one. "There _was_ a disturbance." "All right, we haven't time to explore," said Blake. "Sorry to go so quickly, but we must be after the Federation again. Cally," he spoke to the bracelet he wore, "bring us up." BOINK! They vanished. "Wait - the Federation?" choked Kirk. "They 'must be after' us?!" "Don't panic," advised Shannon. "I don't think it's you they have in mind." "How can you know that?" "Just take my word for it. I often know what I'm talking about." "Where are Ari, Tigh, and Athena???" Adama interrupted single-mindedly. "They're safe on AURORA," a familiar voice announced. The group turned to view the owner of said voice. "Who are you?" asked Kirk, realizing this to be the question of the day. "David Auriga, co-leader of the Hellraisers. Many of you already know that. Commander, your people surprised us by being randomly teleported aboard AURORA. Considering the other places they could've ended up, that was accidental good aim. I figured I should get down here and let you know." "Oh, thank the Lords," Adama sighed. Suddenly, the desperate white-garbed duo was back, running wildly. "Watch out!" the girl shouted. "The Empire is coming!" They dashed away. "Who _are_ these people?!" asked Starbuck. "Is that all they do?" He sighed. "I need a drink." "Hey!" McCoy exclaimed. "That's my line! Don't steal my line!" "No, your line is 'He's dead, Jim'," Spock amended. "Also, 'I'm a doctor, not a...fill in the blank'," Kirk grinned. McCoy glared at them both. David finally found an opening in the conversation. "From what we've learned, this planet is long-dead, consumed and destroyed by film and television studios. We think that all this you've observed has been memories stored in and by a lonely, slightly crazed computer." "One of those?" The Doctor sighed. "Illusions. Therefore, little of this has truly occurred." "Please!" Shannon remarked. "Don't say next that the Universe is merely a figment of its own hyperactive imagination!" "It could well be! But that's really not my territory." "Nor mine," added David. "I just investigate this stuff and have fun with it." "Illusions?" mused Apollo. "Are those also illusions?" He pointed to a pack of cards running at them. Leading was the Queen of Hearts, screaming "Off with his head!" and pointing at Starbuck. "Oh no! Now I really need a drink!" Starbuck gasped as the unfriendly queen swiped at him. "This is too much! I promise never to gamble again!" Zellie chuckled mischievously. "It'll be a cold day in Hades before you give _that_ up." The oversized group of cards faded away. "I'm happy to confirm that those _were_ illusions," The Doctor reported. "More like hallucinations brought on by getting high on plant vapors!" Starbuck muttered, wondering if what he'd last smoked had anything to do with what he'd been seeing lately. A shocking metallic crunching broke out, followed by a distant, startled stream of curses. One of the flight suited men returned to the scene at top speed, skidded to a halt. "CAPTAIN!" he screamed. "Which one?" enquired Shannon. "There seem to be a lot of them about. Captain Crippen?" The man nodded desperately. "Some great huge beast walked up, sniffed around, and started eating COLUMBIA!" "Huh?! Have you gone...space-happy?" "Come and see if you don't believe!" Crippen did so...and stared in dismay as his ship was ingested enthusiastically by what appeared to be a giant wild cat. "That's all NASA needs... I don't think that one was an illusion!" "No...I wouldn't say so!" agreed an awestruck Doctor. "Isn't it your luck," remarked Shannon, "to be stranded on a planet with radioactive mutants? If that's what it was." "Oh, hell," muttered Crippen. "CHALLENGER was one thing - but this?! How precisely does one _tell_ Mission Control that your craft has been eaten by a 100-foot-tall alien cat??!" "Carefully?" volunteered David. "Good question," added Shannon unhelpfully. "I have often asked myself that very thing." "Please. No sarcasm. I don't think I can take it..." "I need a drink," Starbuck repeated. "A _big_ one." "IF NO ONE MINDS, I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!" Adama's massive roar made everyone jump. *//Be Calm, My Son!//* a voice advised. "What?" Adama muttered. A figure began to shimmer into view. (No one was overly surprised at the sight of one more weird occurrence.) It took on the form of a surprisingly tall, lovely woman, with long blue hair. She held human form for their benefit, it was obvious. "Who are you?" asked Kirk, deciding it was long past time to contact the scriptwriter and beg for a new line. *//One Of My Titles Is Guardian Of The Ar'kinlans' And Gallifreyans' Galaxy, Commonly Referred To As The Goddess//* she replied serenely. "What!" gasped Zellie. She dropped onto one knee, in courtesy, as did Shannon, Jolene, and The Doctor. "Why are you here, Milady?" the ever-chivalrous Doctor enquired. *//To Explain. And Also Because This Story Really Needs Help.//* "Please - what is going on?!" Adama demanded. Again, he wondered if it would be possible to warp reality and have a long talk with the writer. "Will you help us?" *//But Of Course, Commander.//* "Madam," asked Shannon respectfully, standing and gesturing about them, "is this what it looks like?" *//Yes, It's Earth.//* "EARTH??!" screamed all the Galactican Warriors in the vicinity. "This dreary wasteland?" asked Crippen in bewilderment. "Well, it must be," Shannon affirmed. "Giant HOLLYWOOD signs are found nowhere else in the Cosmos!" She considered. "Hmm...David, remember seeing, on one of the Hellraisers' alter-dimensional adventures, that television series? It went like: 'Fleeing from the Cylon tyranny, the last battlestar, GALACTICA, leads a ragtag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest - a shining planet known as...Earth'." "Right!" David remembered. "And you," gesturing at the ENTERPRISE crew, "the five-year journey to places where no man has gone before. Well... this _is_ strange. Y'know," he mused, "both of those were canceled..." "How interesting!" added The Doctor. "_What are you talkin' about??!_" Starbuck almost screeched. "Oh, we're all just temporal anomalies," revealed Jolene. "Never mind us." "But then, so are you," added Shannon. The Goddess spoke up. *//Indeed. You Encountered A Space-Time Warp And Landed In A Dimension Where You Were All Better Known As Characters In TV Series And Cinema Movies.//* "But not us!" said Crippen. "Why are we here?" "Perhaps you flew through a hole in the plot?" suggested Shannon. *//I Suppose So You Would Get To See That These People Truly Exist In Another Dimension.//* She paused. *//Colonel Auriga - As You Have Learned, Those Were Not Illusions. The Computer Was Contacting The Various Dimensions And Everyone Began Leaking Out. You, As Well. Shannon, Jolene, Zellandra, Aristephone, And The Hellraiser Team, Are Figments Of Two Unusual Fans' Imaginations As A Result Of Overactive Viewing Of Such Series As "Battlestar Galactica" And "Doctor Who".//* She wisely decided it would truly freak out her people if she dared reveal that she was also such a figment, so she withheld this bit of information! "Great for the ego!" remarked Zellie. "Someone was strange enough to create a character like me?" Shannon wondered. "Wow! Could I meet it?" *//No, Dear Lady, That Would Truly Screw Things Up. The Same Goes For You, Commander!//* "It was just a thought," Adama shrugged, then persisted. "But this _is_ Earth?" *//Not The Earth You Want,//* warned the Goddess. *//This Place Is Dead. You Must Remember, You Are In An Alternate Reality.//* "I see." *//Not Entirely, You Don't. Ask The Doctor, Or The Hellraisers, Or The Terrible Trio. They Are All Well Accustomed To Time Travel, Alternate Planes, And Anomalies - And Their Explanations Would Not Be Quite So Liable To Short-Circuit Your Brain!//* "I think, for the safety of my sanity, I'll take your word for it, Milady." *//As You Wish.//* Silence fell, with a loud thud, over the old city. *//Would You All Like To Get Back To Your Proper Places?//* asked their guardian. "It would be nice!" Crippen affirmed. *//The TARDIS Crews And Colonel Auriga Can Return On Their Own, Of Course.//* Shannon grinned slyly. "Say, Crip, care for an introduction to a time craft?" "No thank you, Shannon. I don't trust that smile!" "Wise of you," grinned The Doctor. "Oh well! Nice to see you again, anyway." She clapped the Captain on the shoulder. He winced. The TARDIS travellers set off back to their ships. Amazingly, as they departed, The Doctor smirked mischievously at Shannon and remarked: "I didn't think the BBC was daft enough to create you as a companion. It had the sadistic touch of a fan to it!" Shannon giggled appreciatively. David, overhearing this, broke out laughing as he teleported back to AURORA. The Goddess turned to the Galacticans, Federation officers, and NASA astronauts, and fixed them with a hypnotic gaze. Silence fell again - CRASH! - and the Goddess sighed at its remarkable clumsiness. Silence gave her an embarrassed glance and carefully staggered away, crestfallen. Night was falling, too, but with an irritable gesture, the Goddess cut off its descent and got back to the business at hand. Night went off in distress, looking for somewhere it would be wanted. Just as it became quiet, Time itself rolled off a cosmic desk and landed with a distant thud. "Ooh, that was creepy," noted Shannon, staring off into the distance. "I don't think I've ever heard _that_ before," the Doctor agreed. *//Has Everything Quite Settled Down Now? All Right. Now, Captain Crippen - I Can Send You And Your Crew Back To The Moment Before Your Flight Was Disrupted. Your Ship Will Not Have Been Eaten By Our Large Feline Friend. And, If You Wish, You Will Not Recall A Thing About This Experience.//* A grin crossed over his face. "No, let me remember it as a dream. Maybe I'll tell someone, and they can write a story about it!" "I think someone may have beaten you to that," mused Adama. *//It Shall Be As You Wish. Now, As For The Rest Of You, You Shall Be Returned To Your Ships. And, As Colonel Auriga Said, The Hellraisers Rescued The GALACTICA's Missing Crewmembers; They'll Be There For You. Don't Panic, I Have It All Under Control.//* "Thanks," replied Adama. "I'm glad to know somebody does." The Goddess again stared at them, and then...reality took a hike. Accordingly, some very strange things happened - not the least of which, everyone found themselves back in their proper places and times. **** A wheezing like a dinosaur in labor echoed through the GALACTICA bridge and a TARDIS materialized. The door opened and an odd wail swirled ethereally from within - a bagpipe blast! This was closely followed by a quiet but mysterious thud, some bizarre chuckles, and an anguished voice crying Shannon's name in protest. The door closed once more, the vworping recommenced, and the craft vanished. Zellie sighed, muttered something strenuous in Ar'kinlan, and asked, "Has anyone got a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster?" Alas, no one did. They stared out at the blackness of the void, minds spinning at the thought of how strange the real Earth must be if it could produce such a weird alternate reality. What in Kobol would they find?! They were beginning to doubt that they truly wanted to know... "Commander," Zellie suggested, "let's give it a miss and go somewhere semi-normal like, oh...Betelgeuse5? I haven't seen Zaphod Beeblebrox and Ford Prefect in yahrens..." But that is another tale. *** Random notes: 1. The line about "a statesman is a dead politician" came from the old Berke Breathed comic strip, "Bloom County," but BB may have found it from another source himself. 2. The line "That's not even a real smile! It's a bunch of teeth playing with my mind!" came from "The A-Team." 3. The Narn Bat Squad is an Internet "Babylon 5" fandom in-joke and can be seen explained on Wikipedia. 4. Apologies for Space Shuttle COLUMBIA being eaten, considering what happened to her in 2003. This was in the 1988 version, inspired by an old J. R. Janoski story, "Merloc," in which a GALACTICA shuttle was eaten by a gigantic alien cat.