Date: 2 Jun 1994
From: Michele Martin
Subject: Our Heroes' Revenge

Hey all!
Well, in response to Liz's Alternate G:80 post, I devised Our Heroes'
Revenge--a little sketch explaining how our heroes caused the cancelation
of the dread Galactica and Earth (the colonial name for G:80 since they
wouldn't know about the Anno Domini dating system) and saved the fleet
from a fate worse than Cylons.  Here goes:

                Our Heroes' Revenge

The scene:  Bridge.  Adama is discussing general military stuff with Boomer,
Starbuck, and Apollo.  Suddenly a very disgruntled and perturbed looking
woman charges on to the bridge....

Woman: Commander Adama!! I have something I wish to discuss with you! [shoots
glare at warriors] AND with your warriors!

Adama:  And you are?

Woman: As if you couldn't guess.  My name is Naomi, production
coordinator for the IFB, and I'll warn you now, we are NOT going to stand for
this..this...outrage!

Adama [puzzled]: I'm afraid I don't understand.  Can you be more specific as
to the nature of your..problem?

Naomi: It's a plot...a conspiracy. I know how disgruntled you are with our
little drama about the fleet discovering Earth.  He [points accusatory
finger at Starbuck] threatened to make our writers eat their scripts and
the stenopads they wrote them on AND challenged Adrian, the Gemonese
actor who portrayed him in the last episode, to a triad game!

Adama: Well, there's nothing wrong with a little friendly competition...

Naomi: To the death?!

Adama: Starbuck, is this true?

Starbuck [feigning to look repentant]: Sorry sir, I'm afraid I got
carried away after that last episode...you have to understand, I...well,
I was a little upset.

Adama:  Understandable.  I saw the episode.  Nevertheless, I think a few
deep space probes may be just what you need to cool off.

Starbuck: Yessir.

Naomi:  Oh, no.  You're not getting off that easily.  What about the
sabotage?!  We haven't been able to complete another episode of Galactica
and Earth and our fans are very upset.

Starbuck [aside to Boomer and Apollo]:  It had fans?!

Apollo: We watched it.

Starbuck: And didn't we regret it?

Adama [with stern look on his face]: Do you gentlemen know anything about
this matter?  Starbuck?

Starbuck [with feigned innocent expression]: No, sir.  We're as surprised as
you are.  I mean, you don't think I'd stoop to sabotage...I mean, it's
not me.  After all, given my very...shall we say...memorable expressions
of displeasure about the show, it would be rather stupid to go about
sabotaging the production.  I'd be number one suspect.

Naomi: Don't think you aren't.  All of you!  Adama, I plan to go to the
Council--who by the way, have all expressed approval of our show...

Boomer [under his breath]: Now why doesn't that surprise me.

Naomi:...and demand a complete investigation into this.  I'll have you know
that because of these...disturbances...we have been forced to cancel our
show!

Starbuck [to the ceiling]: There is a God.

Adama: Miss Naomi, please calm down.  You still haven't told me what the
problem is.

Naomi: You know full well. First of all, our star Trent--you know him as
"Troy" was sent a tainted box of mushies from a supposed admirer.  Poor
man wasn't able to work for a secton. Kept vomiting and groaning about
stomach pains.

Apollo [under his breath]: Funny, his acting affected me the same way.

Naomi: And as if that weren't bad enough, we have been plagued by
equipment failures, costuming errors, and, most annoying of all, even
when we can get a scene on film, this...this...thing, this pink thing barges
across the stage playing some small percussion instrument.  It totally
disrupts the actors and it won't stop playing it's little... whatever.

Adama [puzzled]:  Can you describe this pink thing any further?  Where does
it come from?

Naomi [peevedly]: Oh, I don't know.  It just appears out of one of the air
vents.  It looks like some kind of rodent with long ears.  No one can catch
it or stop it.  And it's starting to disrupt other shows as well.  It
totally ruined more than one advertising segment. I tell you, it's a curse.
And I know you have to have something to do with it!  I'm going to the
Council!! [with that, she turns and storms off the bridge].

As Naomi leaves, Adama turns to the warriors.  He pauses to make sure Naomi
is out of earshot.: So, it worked.  But what's this about a pink rodent?
And tainted mushies?

Apollo: Well they were Boxey's idea, actually.  I think he was really
upset at being portrayed as such a, well, snidrat.  Says all his friends
made fun of him. I think he just put something in the mushies to induce
vomiting--probably got it from Cassiopeia.  And the rodent thing was
based on something Dr. Wilker showed Boxey--a prototype for some new toy
ideas he had.  I think he's worried that bored children will sneak into
his lab and mess up his equipment.  Anyway, I convinced him to lend us
the prototype.  Boomer rigged it so that whenever the recorders began to
receive images, the thing would come out of the air vents and run across the
stage making noise and generally being disruptive.

Boomer: That was after Starbuck and I snuck in and rewired all the
cameras and lights so that they would only function intermittently.
And Athena and Cassiopeia mixed up all the costumes and even altered a
few so that they would fall apart if anyone tried to move around in
them.  Wish I could have seen that...

Adama: Athena was involved as well?

Starbuck: Yeah, well, she got a little upset at not being mentioned at
all in most of the show and..see..she was kind of upset at being
mentioned as a continuing romantic interest of mine in the beginning of
that frakking Return episode [looks genuinely embarassed at that last].

Adama: Well, I guess it is up to me to convince the Council that none of you
could have been involved in such an undertaking.  Perhaps if I tell them that
you two [nods to Boomer and Apollo] were actual...fans--excuse the insult to
your intelligence, and that you [to Starbuck] are more likely to blow
things up than resort to such subtle sabotage, besides being too smart to
do something of the sort after such blatant antagonism to the show,
they will believe me.  And, gentlemen, I thank you again for saving this ship
from a fate worse than death--more episodes of "Galactica and Earth".

Starbuck: Sir, I don't care if they believe you or not.  I'd rather spend a
few sectons on deep space patrol than to have to endure another episode of
that monstrosity.

Entire Bridge Crew: AMEN!!

Thoughts?  Comments?  Mail to Dr.One-L@prodigy.net.  And be nice!
Stay tuned for 'We know THEY did it!': The Actors Fight Back

Michele