Please send any comments you bave to the writer of this story: Sharon - sharonmonroe@hotmail.com Date: Sat, 24 Feb 2001 From: larry D Monroe >Who would win? Apollo or Starbuck? Or would Boomer knock both their heads together and be done with it and take Athena for himself. Apollo and Starbuck would be so busy butting heads, they wouldn't realize Boomer had swept Athena off her feet, Sheba had wound up crying in Reese's arms and discovered there's something to be said for security after all, and Cassie had discovered that Jolly's love of children complemented hers so completely that they'd moved to the Orphan Ship together and adopted them all! -- Sharon :-) Subject: Jolly forgot the Kids Date: Sat, 24 Feb 2001 From: Tigger > and Cassie had discovered that Jolly's love of children complemented hers so completely that they'd moved to the Orphan Ship together and adopted them all!< > -- Sharon :-) As long as he doesn't forget them when he and Cassie should have to take the kids to the Galactica for their annual physical Can you imagine a shuttle full of children shuttling from the tail of the fleet all the way up to the Galactica? Who's going to be stuck cleaning up all the toys thrown about the shuttle that were originally taken on to try and keep the kids quiet but failed miserably to do so. Who's going to clean all the shuttle windows from all the forehead/nose/mouth, finger and hand prints? How's council security going to keep the kids rounded up when they charge off in all directions on the big G? Robert Date: Sat, 24 Feb 2001 From: larry D Monroe Scene: the shuttle home from the weekly trip to the Galactica Life Center. Cassie: (Irritated) Jolly, how could you forget not just one but sixteen of our little angels??? Jolly: (Hapless, trying to pull Child #42 out of the waste disposal chute) I told you we should have checked the list! Remember that next time -- never take more than 75 kids to the Galactica for check-ups at a time! Cassie: Apollo's never going to let us let us drop off the kids to play with Boxey again. Jolly: Especially since they dismantled Muffit and reassembled it into a Cylon multi-taskulating tecomponent -- with parts left over. Child Chorus: We want mushies! You promised us mushies if we were good! Cassie: That was if you were good! Exchanging your numbered tunics so Dr. Salik gave Child #115 the same vaccination 13 times was not being good! Child Chorus: Awh, but we'll be good next time. We promise! We want mushies! Pilot: (Extremely agitated) Could someone please come and save my co-pilot? There are at least a dozen kids doing a maypole dance around her seat and she's trussed up like a Kobolian mummy! The parents exchange glances and sigh heavily. Jolly: I bet Bojay and Sheba refuse to fly our shuttle again. Cassie: So who's left? Jolly: Nobody. They were the last pilots left on the roster...and that was only if they got double hazard pay with overtime! Child Chorus: Mushies, mushies, mushies! (With a terrible scream, Bojay comes racing through the main compartment, heading straight for the drop tubes. Throwing himself in, he hits the "open" button from the inside, and spaces himself.) Jolly: Hmm. If Bojay just spaced himself, and Sheba's playing mummy with the kids, who's flying the shuttle? Voice over louspeaker: This is Child # 37, speaking for the Kiddie Liberation Front. We have taken control of this shuttle, and unless all our demands are met, we will really make trouble. We demand that we go back to the Galactica and get mushies! Second voice: This is Child # 98. Forget the Galactica! Let's go to the Bakeryship! Child Chorus: Yay! Mushies, mushies, mushies... Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting installment of, "Eighteen Hundred is Enough" or, "Yours, Mine, Ours, and Everybody Else's", when we'll hear Sheba say, "Mpthfhttmmerr..." which translates to "Cassie, I'm going to kill you and your little dog too" in Mummified Kobolian. -- Sharon Subject: Jolly forgot the Kids -- Episode 2 Date: Sun, 25 Feb 2001 Some days, you stare out at the snow, and just don't know what to do with yourself. So... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 2 Scene: Still on the shuttle returning from the Galactica physicals, Jolly and Cassie are faced with a mutiny of crisis proportions - 150 of their adopted children have taken over the shuttle and declared their intent to divert to the Bakeryship. Child #6: We're going to board the Bakeryship! Child #2: We're going to invade the Bakeryship! Child #92: We're going to plunder the Bakeryship! Child #39.5 (one of twins, you know): We're going to loot the Bakeryship! Cassie: (exasperated) We get the point, kids! You want mushies, and you want them now! Child Chorus: We want mushies! Jolly: We've got to retake the bridge of the shuttle, or we'll never get home before the others wake from their naps. Cassie: That would be a disaster. But how will we do it? Jolly: We'll use their own weapons against them. Jolly wades into the pile of toys stacked at the back of the shuttle, and comes back with a squirming little boy, several toy lasers, and a helmet several sizes too small on his head. Jolly: (Tossing the boy and a toy laser to Cassie) Let's go. Cassie: (Catching the laser, dropping the boy) Let's go... Jolly and Cassie make their way through the maze of dolls, wagons, mini-daggits, little toy Vipers, little toy trains, kittens, mittens, gimmicky bits of plastic from the happy meals of McRising Star, smoking chemistry sets, and dress-up outfits, to the front of the shuttle. Jolly: (pointing toy laser at kids) Ah-hah! One of the children jumps up in his seat, and grabs the helmet off Jolly's head. Under the helmet, is another. The child grabs that one. Underneath, is another. By the twenty-fifth helmet, the child is looking confused, and the cabin floor is starting to fill up with helmets. The children give up. Jolly: See? You can't outsmart adults! All right, now, if you kids aren't in your seats by the time I count to three, you're getting time out! Grumbling, lower lips quivering, Child #37 and #98 slowly leave the pilot cubicle and head back into the main cabin. Sheba: "Mpthfhttmmerr..."* [*Cassie, I'm going to kill you and your little daggit too"] Cassie: (Pulling enough of the mayday ribbons off so Sheba can speak) Hey, Muffit's already been disassembled. Don't bring that creature into this! Besides, Sheba, whatever happened to our deep and enduring friendship? Sheba: (sizzling) Hah! That was before you had children! I'm never going to have children! Come to think of it, I am quite certain I never was a child! Cassie: Come to think of it, you were better off silent! Cassie quickly rearranges the mayday ribbons on Sheba's mouth, effectively shutting her up. Sheba: Ttjerogggllrrr!* [*"Wait'll my new boyfriend Reese gets his hands on you."] Cassie: Jolly, can you take back control of the shuttle? Jolly: I think so...wait, what's that? Cassie: It looks like a phalanx of Cylon Raiders! Both stare in horror at the front port for a microtomotron, then relax and look at each other, smiling. Jolly: Ah, just nose and finger prints... Child Chorus from the rear: We want mushies! We want mushies! Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Athena moan, "But you brought him back!" Subject: Jolly forgot the Kids -- Episode 3 Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2001 Scene: Cassie and Jolly are heading back to the Jolly and Cassie Ship after saving their shuttle from the mutiny of the mushie-mad Kiddie Liberation Front. Jolly is now in the pilot's seat, since Bojay spaced himself. Sheba is still mummified. Cassie: (speaking briskly as she returns to the main cabin) All right, kids, we're going in for a landing back home, so everybody strap in - and if I hear one more complaint about mushies, you're all getting time out! Child Chorus: Awh... Cassie glared; the chorus ceases and all 134 children move into seats. Child #101: Mama Cass, he's touching me! Child #102: Did not! Child #101: Did too! Child #102: Did not! Cassie: That does it, time out for both of you. Now, does anyone need to be belted? Child #101: (muttering, pointing at the kid next to him) He does. Child #102: (muttering back) Do not. Child #101: I'm telling Papa Jo! Cassie: (Finally noticing the child in the seat where #103 should be) Hey, what's Boxey doing here? Boxey: (shrugging) Dad told me to get in line with the rest of the kids and do whatever they did. Cassie: Well, sit down and do what the other children do. Boxey: (grinning widely) All right! I get to have fun! Cassie: Jolly! Turn this shuttle around! We've got an extra! Jolly: (Voice overhead) Well, that takes us to only 15 kids short. We're getting better! Cassie: But it's Boxey! What will Apollo say? Jolly: I don't care what he says, we're taking him back anyway! Cassie sighs and takes her own seat as the shuttle makes a sudden u-turn. Jolly: (voice on overhead speakers) Okay, children, if you look off to your left, you'll see the main engines of the Galactica. Just in front of us, you can see the landing bay lights of the... Hey, who turned out the landing bay lights? The shuttle somehow lands safely on the Galactica despite the landing bay lights being turned off, thanks to the stupendous piloting skill of its pilot - because, as every child knows, mom and dad are gods who know everything, until you hit age 10, at which point mom and dad become the devil incarnate, out to do nothing more than prevent you from having any fun and utterly spoiling your life. Jolly: (stepping out of the shuttle) Hey, Apollo! Athena! Commander Adama! Dr. Salik! Adama, Athena, Apollo, and Salik quickly hide their champagne glasses. Adama: Jolly! We didn't expect you back so soon! Jolly: Well, sir, we found a stowaway. Suddenly, from the door of the shuttle, erupts a near-army of children, led by Boxey, armed with every manner of toy thought of by 12 different colonies of mankind over seven thousand yahrens. Before the warriors can do anything to prevent it, the children scatter in all directions. Athena: (moaning) Oh, no! You brought him back! Apollo: (eyes closed in pain) I thought I was rid of him... Child Chorus: (from all directions, echoing insanely in the dimly lit bay) We want mushies, we want mushies! Tune in next time for another exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when you'll hear Apollo say, "Starbuck, it's for your own good..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 4 Date: Tue, 27 Feb 2001 Well, showing once again that they'll let any lunatic on this list... :-) "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 4 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where Jolly and Cassie have just returned their shuttle after discovery Boxey among their children. The children have taken off in all directions, leaving Jolly, Adama, Athena, Apollo, and Salik in the middle of the darkened bay. Jolly: Oh-oh. Well, I guess I'm gonna need a little help rounding them up again. Adama: Don't look at me! I've already raised my kids! Adama flees the bay as fast as the turbolift will carry him. Salik: I'm due in life center. There's gotta be an emergency waiting for me. Athena: (objecting) But, Dr. Salik, you just said that everything was under control for the first time all day! Salik: You want to help with Jolly and Cassie's kids? Child Chorus: (whispering throughout bay) Mushies, mushies, mushies... Athena glances around the darkened bay, looking terrified, then suddenly holds up her thumb. Athena: (dramatically) Dr. Salik! I have a hangnail! Salik: (grabbing her and steering toward the turbolift) Emergency, emergency, get out of our way. The commander's daughter has a hangnail! Coming through, code mauve! Jolly: Well, Apollo? Apollo: Well, what? Jolly: The kids? After all, one of them is yours. Apollo: Only by adoption-! Jolly: Same as mine, Skipper. Apollo: Well, maybe we can draft some of the bay technicians. Jolly: I suspect they're all in hiding. That's the only explanation for the landing bay lights going out as we came back. Apollo: Well, not the only explanation... A cheerful whistling is heard as Starbuck enters the bay. Having just returned from patrol, he's the only one on the ship who doesn't know what's going on. Apollo: (gladly) Starbuck! Just the fellow I was looking for! Starbuck: (suspiciously - they've been butting heads for a secton, remember, which is how Cassie wound up with Jolly and Sheba wound up with Reese) What? What'd I do this time? Apollo: Nothing - yet. But you're gonna help us round up Jolly and Cassie's stray kids. Starbuck: (Panicked) What? No, you can't do that to me, I've done my babysitting stint for the sectar! Apollo: Now, now, Starbuck, it's for your own good. Starbuck: Like hades! Starbuck glances around desperately for escape. The nearest possibility is the shuttle. He makes a break for it, races to the shuttle, and throws himself inside. All that's heard as the hatch closes is his sudden screams. Tune in next time for another exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when you'll hear Apollo say, "We both knew it would come to this. Draw..." Subject: Jolly and the kids Ep 5 Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 Rollin', rollin', rollin'... And so it continues... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 5 Scene: the darkened landing bay of the Galactica, where Jolly and Apollo stand alone beside a shuttle. Jolly and Cassie's numerous children have scattered into the darkness around them. It's now up to our intrepid warriors to round them up. Jolly: I'll go left, you go right. Or you can go left, if that's all right with you, Skipper... Apollo: (grudgingly) I guess so, since Boxey's one of the strays...unless... Jolly: Unless what? Apollo: Unless we set a trap. Jolly: A trap! But Cassie'll be upset if any of our angels get hurt - and won't it worry the network censors? Apollo: Not if we use catch and release! Jolly: But if we release them, we'll be right back where we started. Apollo: We'll deal with that when the times comes. Come on! Apollo and Jolly hurry out of the bay, to return a few moments later with their arms laden with art supplies - clay, paint, reams of paper, colored pencils, play-doh, crayons. The warriors set the supplies in small piles around the shuttle. Apollo leaves again while Jolly keeps watch; when Apollo returns, he is dragging along an obviously reluctant Athena. Athena: (whining) But why do I have to be here? Apollo: Quit whining! Who do you think you are, Sheba? You're a teacher as well as a bridge officer, that's why. The kids'll believe you! You're the bait for the trap! Jolly: (giving her a quick glance, after glancing at the shuttle to see if Cassie is around) Well, bait enough for the boys, anyway. Athena: (loudly) Announcing the first annual Galactica art contest! Open to everyone! Chose your medium! First prize for the most creative artwork will be a trip to the Bakeryship and a lifetime supply of your favorite mushies! All around them in the shadows, come excited whispers, out of which can be clearly heard a few words. Child Chorus: Bakersyhip! Mushies! Mushies! Bakeryship! Apollo: (turning to Jolly) Okay, let's finish the trap... Jolly: (picking up a piece of paper and crayons) Do we have to? Apollo: (similarly picking up paper) We both knew it might come to this. Draw! Athena: (loudly) Oh, that's an excellent start, Jolly! Keep drawing, you might win that lifetime supply of mushies! Oh, Apollo, what a lovely rendition of a battlestar! You might win that trip to the Bakeryship! Several children slowly make their way into the light, then dash over to grab art supplies. Others join them. Boxey is not one of them. Soon, a large part of the bay is full of children painting, drawing, coloring, modeling, and otherwise being artistic. Some of them are even using paper. Apollo quietly leaves his own art and makes his way out of the bay. Athena: (glancing around at the graffiti and drawings on the shuttle, the deck, the girders, the walls, etc.) Wow, Jolly, who'd've thought your kids could be so artistic? But what's Father going to say about all this? Jolly: As long as the lights stay down, we're in luck. The bay lights come up. Apollo comes back in, a couple dozen very tense-looking security officers beside him. The children freeze and look ready to run again. Athena: (moving among the children, patting heads and nodding approvingly) Well, we needed light to judge the winner, right, kids? Besides, it'll help you all see what you're doing so much better! The kids smile and resume art. Several catch at Athena's tunic to get her attention and show her their own pictures. The security officers slowly relax. Before long, Athena is surrounded by grabbing children, and beginning to look a little panicked. Athena: Help...? Tune in next time for another exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Reese say, "There's no choice. We have to do something drastic..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 6 Date: Thu, 1 Mar 2001 Hee-hee, the energizer bunny's gonna show up one of these times... ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 6 Scene: Galactica landing bay, now brightly lit and full of excited, animated children drawing, painting, modeling, coloring, and otherwise being artistic - and showing as much of it as possible to Athena, who keeps trying unsuccessfully to escape the mob. Cassie steps out of the shuttle, glances about approvingly, and joins Jolly. Cassie: Here - I made a list of the children we brought with us today; check them off as you find them. Jolly: Okay. Say, isn't Starbuck on the shuttle? Did you see him? Cassie smiles sweetly and gets back on the shuttle, shutting the hatch behind her. Apollo: (moving among the children, searching) Boxey isn't here. Jolly: (also moving through the crowd, checking off numbers from the list, then turning to Reese, one of the security officers) Say, Reese, mind helping me out here? I seem to be a little short... Reese: (studying Jolly's bulk) Surely you're joking. Jolly: Don't call me Surly. I'm Jolly. Apollo: (peering around Jolly's shoulder, now also studying list) Hmm, from the looks of this list, we're still missing about 25 kids. And Boxey's still one of them. Reese: Aren't we also missing Sheba? Wasn't my new girlfriend one of your pilots? (smug look at Apollo, who scowls back) Jolly: Oh, yeah, about the pilots...well, let's find the kids first. Any suggestions? Apollo shrugs. Reese: (pulling his laser pistol and gestures at the rest of the security force standing around) There's no choice. We have to do something drastic. Apollo quickly draws his own laser, looking suspicious and ready to take Reese on in a heartbeat. The children look on avidly. Jolly: Reese! Isn't that a little too drastic? Reese: You know your kids, Jolly. What do you think? Jolly: (drawing a deep breath) I guess you're right. (pulling his own laser and checking it) Yup, you're right, the kids got to 'em again. Apollo aims at the ceiling; a spray of scented, colored water shoots out, super-soaker style. Child Chorus: (drawing their own water lasers from pockets, backpack, etc.) Yay! Water fight, water fight! For a moment, pandemonium reigns supreme as the entire bay is hosed down with variously perfumed ammo from about a hundred kids, two warriors, and half a dozen security officers armed with super-laser-soakers, laser-water-pistols, turbo-water-balloons, etc. Athena takes the brunt of the soaking until, unarmed and unable to defend herself, she finally flees the bay. The walls and ceiling get their share too, and the children's painted artwork runs down the walls like blood in a really bad b-grade horror movie. Cassie: (stepping out of the shuttle again) Stop! At her ringing command, all activity ceases. Child # 15: Oh-oh, it's Mama Cass... Child # 88: No mushies tonight... Cassie: Into the shuttle! The children line up in front of the shuttle and start filing in. Apollo: (just as soaked and scented as everybody else) But what about the ones still missing? I mean, I'll keep Boxey. I don't have any choice about that since Serina made me adopt him or be locked out of her quarters. Reese: You know, Apollo, it's no wonder Sheba dumped you for me. Don't you ever get tired of talking about your first wife? Jolly: (hastily) Well, I think I'll be going on. I'll be back later for the rest. Good luck with finding them. Oh, and you may want to have Boomer and Wilker check on the engines. Little #98 really thinks he's a hotshot with the electronic stuff, and he's one of the missing... Reese: Hey, wait a minute, what about Sheba? The hatch slams shut in his face, leaving Apollo and Reese soaked, alone, and glaring at each other. Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Who let the Cylon Raiders into the bay?" Subject: Jolly forgot the kids -- Episode 7 Date: Fri, 2 Mar 2001 "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Zara on IFB -- and we're happy to report a true miracle in intra-fleet broadcasting -- our first series to last a full secton! We know you celebrate with us, and that you'll really enjoy tonight's special milestone event..." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 7 Scene: aboard the shuttle, Jolly and Cassie are about to launch from the Galactica bay, having rounded up about as many of the kids as they figure they can manage at one shot. Sheba is still trussed up like a Kobolian mummy, primarily because she ticked off Cassie and now Cassie won't unwrap her. Starbuck is sprawled on the floor, semi-conscious and murmuring to himself. Children are everywhere. Child Chorus (hopefully) Mushies? Mushies? Cassie: (severely) What did I tell you about being good? Child Chorus: (chastened) No good, no mushies... Cassie: Right. (Suddenly smiling) But if you all settle down and behave on the way back, and then take a good nap when we get back to the Cassie and Jolly Ship, you might - just might, mind you - get mushies for desert tonight! Child Chorus: Yay! Mushies, mushies, mushies... Cassie holds up a warning finger, and the children immediately shut up politely and finish strapping themselves in to their seats, looking for all the universe like angels. She smiles fondly and heads to the main cabin to join Jolly. He's already emptied the co-pilot's seat for her. Sheba's been dumped into one of the storage bins. Every few moments, we hear a brief unintelligible mutter from the bin, and her feet kick as she struggles to free herself from the mayday ribbons trussing her up like a ... you remember, right? Jolly: Well? Cassie: I think the games on the Galactica let them use up their energy without making them over tired. They should sleep great tonight. Jolly: That'll be a change. I don't know how many times I can read "Goodnight, Caprican Moon" before my voice goes. Cassie: Then you'll just have to play the pipes, won't you? They laugh conspiratorially. Jolly: By the way, I noticed Starbuck sprawled out on the floor. The kids kept walking on him, and I nearly tripped over him. What happened? Cassie: (smiling benignly) Why, nothing serious. He just happened to run onto the shuttle when I just happened to be picking up some of the kids' sports equipment. Jolly: Oh, I see - the space-hockey pucks? Cassie: Among other things. Jolly: What other things? Cassie: Oh, the turbo-bats, the triad-boxing gloves, a half-dozen or so super-heavy boomer-angsts, a few other things... Meanwhile, back in the main cabin, Starbuck has begun to stir after his close encounter with Cassie's perfectly-aimed space-hockey pucks and turbo-bats. Starbuck: Oooh...who let the Cylons Raiders into the bay? And why are they using my head for target practice? An assortment of giggles greets his questions. Starbuck: (blinking and sitting up, then staring blearily around at the sweet, polite children) I'm in hades... I've been condemned to be a perpetual babysitter... Cassie: (Voice over loudspeaker from pilot's cabin) I said, if it isn't quiet back there, we're turning around... Starbuck: (panicking) But I want to go back! Do it, do it! Jolly: (Voice over loudspeaker) Sorry, this is a one-way, and there's no return! Cassie: (Voice over loudspeaker) Be quiet or we'll turn around! Jolly: (Voice over loudspeaker) We're not turning around! We're landing in the white zone on the Formerly Orphan Ship! Cassie: (Voice over loudspeaker) Oh, I know what this is really about. It has nothing to do with the white zone! Starbuck: (Jumps to his feet and begins clicking his bootheels together.) There's no place like home, there's no place like home... Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Father, I have a confession to make..." ~ ~ ~ >Cassie: (Voice over loudspeaker) Oh, I know what this is really about, and it has nothing to do with the white zone!< Man: There will be no mushies in the white zone. The white zone is for landing and unlanding only. Woman: The red zone is for landing. There'll be no mushies in the red zone. All directed mushies go to the white zone. Man: The white zone is for landing, if one can land, only. There will be no mushies in the white zone. They only belong in the red hot zone. Woman: Red hot is it?!?!?! I'll tell you what's red hot. When you only come home late at night and don't even say hello or goodnight, that's makes me red hot. You can go chill in your white zone and not come back to the red zone. Robert ~~~ Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 8 Date: Sat, 3 Mar 2001 I am not stupid, I am not expendable, and I am not going! Which means, yes, you are stuck with yet another episode in the continuing saga of Jolly, Cassie, Apollo, Adama, Boomer, Reese, an assortment of children...and, oh, yes, Sheba the trussed-up Kobolian Mummy who've vowed never to be a mommy. "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 8 Scene: The Galactica landing bay, strangely empty and silent now that the kids are gone and the shuttle to the Jolly and Cassie Ship has launched. The walls and deck are a riot of color and a cacophony of scents, not to mention slippery as hades. There was oil in some of those paints and turbo-water-balloons. Apollo: Somebody's going to have to clean this up... Reese: Well, don't take it personally if I leave, but I was never much for scrub duty... Adama and Boomer enter the bay. Adama: Stop right there, Reese. You'll be grabbing a brush along with the rest of Beta Company, and swabbing this deck! Reese: (pouting) Drat! Adama and Boomer turn to Apollo. Adama: Apollo, there's been an emergency. Apollo: What is it, Father? Adama: Our main energizers have suddenly gone off line. The battlestar's engines have gone into idle mode, and we can't figure out why or how to get them started again. Apollo glances at Reese, who starts to smirk. Reese: Gee, it wouldn't happen to have anything to do with some of Jolly and Cassie's kids- Apollo: Shut up, Reese. (Turns to Adama) Father, I have confession to make... Adama: And how long has it been since your last confession, my son? Apollo: Well, since the time I took that experimental Viper for a joyride, back at the Academy, and blamed it on Boomer, but that's not important right now. Boomer: (outraged) You did that? And you blamed me? I nearly got expelled for that! Apollo: Boomer, this is no time to dwell on the past! Boomer: Oh, yeah? Says you! Adama: (cutting in) Warriors, save this for later. Apollo, what did you want to confess? Apollo: (Tugging at collar) Uh...uh... Well, it seems Jolly and Cassie had to leave before we could round up all the kids...and a few of them were left here on the Galactica...including one with a propensity for engineering and electronics... Adama: (sternly) Are you saying our current situation could be the result of some of those children being turned loose on this ship and getting into secured areas that are guarded and are shut off from the rest of the ship by force screens and are potentially full of deadly radiation? Apollo: Well, it could be... Reese: (Smugly, needing to get his two cubits in and put his foot where it's not wanted) Oh, Cassie's gonna love that. Oh, and isn't Boxey's one of them? Adama: (Glaring like the sun off an iceberg in the Arctic Ocean on the day of summer solstice) Officer Reese, you are dismissed. Report back here with a mop and bucket, immediately. And while you're at it, instruct all your security officers to come back to the bay and join you - at my order and with your compliments. Reese: (Making choking sounds) They'll space me! Apollo: (Aside, more cheered) It'll save me the trouble. Reese leaves, dragging his feet. Adama: (Turning to Apollo) And how do you plan to remedy the situation, Captain? Apollo: (Glancing desperately at Boomer) Hey, Boomer's a whiz at that sort of stuff! Maybe he can fix it! Boomer: What? Apollo: Come on, buddy, you're my only hope! Otherwise the Commander might space me! Boomer: Oh sure, whenever you're in trouble, call on reliable old Boomer. Need somebody to take the fall? Call Boomer. Need somebody to save your sister? Call Boomer. Need somebody to save Starbuck's butt? Call Boomer. Need somebody- Adama: (Breaking in) By the way, Boomer, I've been meaning to ask you - just what are your intentions toward my daughter? Boomer: Huh? Well, I, uh... Hey, you never asked Starbuck that question! Adama: Didn't have to. I could assume the worst. Now, about Athena? Boomer scratches his head, trying to find an answer. Suddenly, the overhead lights go out again, and the bay is plunged into total darkness. Adama, Apollo, and Boomer: Boxey! When we get our hands on you...! Somewhere in the darkness is heard the menacing giggle of children... Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boxey say, "To the barricades! Liberty, fraternity, and mushies for all!" -------- >Apollo: Come on, buddy, you're my only hope! Otherwise the Commander might space me! Apollo floated out to Bojay. They happily spaced to a galaxy far far away. Remember, the Colonials need no space suits. Bojay: "It's all your fault you low down, vapor snuffed fruitcake. If you hadn't ordered me to pilot the shuttle with the kids, I'd be back at Senior Joy Ship flirting with the women." Apollo: "I heard about the one who keeps pinching your cheeks, calling you sonny, thinking you're her great great grandson." Robert -------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 9 Date: Sun, 4 Mar 2001 This one is Barb's fault. It's a weekend and she had to remind me... ;-) ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 9 Scene: The engine room of the Galactica, where the mayday twiners have done it again. Two engineers and four security guards are wrapped in ribbons like the traditional Kobolian mummies. Among the mummy-wrapped adults are approximately a dozen children, playing tag and assorted children's games. Boxey and Child #98 -- Child #98: Hey, can't I have a name? Narrator: Sorry, Cassie and Jolly couldn't come up with names for all eighteen hundred of you, so you're stuck with a number. Child #98: But I used to have a name! I really did! I am a name. I am not a number! Narrator: Well, we could always make Child #2 be the electronics whiz... Child #98: No! It's me. I'm the whiz. I'm the number... Narrator: Anyway, oh, yes, the scene, as I was saying, Boxey and Child #98 and a handful of others are tinkering away at various somethings in the extremely sophisticated and complicated engineering controls of the Battlestar Galactica. Child #7: (Crawling out from a conduit and calling to others) Hey, #98, Boxey! I think I found the communications central command whatchamacallit! Boxey: (Blancing at #98) Is it hooked up to the computer thingamajiggy? Child #7: Uh, no, but it does have a bunch of extension cords leading to the whatsit! Child #98 shakes his head. Boxey: That's not it, then. We have to find the comm-cen-com whatchamacallit, or we can't broadcast the demands of the Kiddie Liberation Front to the rest of the Fleet! Child #7: What are our demands, anyway? Boxey: Well, we all want to live on the Bakeryship, or else have the Bakeryship permanently attached to the Jolly and Cassie ship so we can always get mushies! Child #7: (puzzled) But how will that help you? You live on the Galactica! Boxey: Well, since Jolly and Cassie adopted every other orphan ship in the fleet, that's going to be my other demand - that Captain Apollo's adoption of me be stricken insofar as Serina failed to give formal written consent in a timely fashion at the time of their sealing, and therefore keeping me in his continuing care, custody, and control based on that marriage is in direct violation of Caprican Statute section five hundred thirty-seven, subdivision sixteen, subparagraph a, part vii, as interpreted in the cases of Jocasta v. Graves, Alcmene on behalf of Hercules v. Hera, and Octavia v. Kemet on behalf of Children of Antony. And if that doesn't work, I'll ask for emancipation or ship reassignment based on his failure to provide appropriate parental oversight. Child #7: Okay. Well, I'll go see if I can find the whatchamacallit. (Ducks back into conduits.) Boxey: That's with two els, mind you! Not the one-el! Child #7: (Muffled voice echoing out of three different loudspeakers) Right! Child #98: Wow, you sure sound like you know that legalese stuff. Boxey: Well, I've been hanging around Sire Solon and his para-counselor. They let me read their files. Captain Apollo's gone so much, he doesn't even realize I passed the bar last week. Mom was gone so much, she didn't know I was in the accelerated learning classes back in the Caprica City School for Genuises. I'm finally going to get me some real parents! Child #98: Say, Boxey, if you're going to be the leader in our liberation struggle, isn't this the time you should come up with some ringing slogan and make an impressive speech that will resound throughout the Colonies for millennia to come? Boxey: (Contemplating briefly) Alright...hmmm. I've got it! To the barricades! Liberty, fraternity, and mushies for all! Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Warriors, start your Vipers..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 10 Date: Mon, 5 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 10 Scene: While the Kiddie Liberation Front holds engineering and the energizers, the bridge of the Galactica is eerily silent... Commander Adama's expression is grim. Beside him, Colonel Tigh is equally grim. In the dim red lights of the emergency generators, the faces of his officers range from concerned, to worried, to anxious - okay, they all look like they'd go through the ceiling with a wild shriek if you blew in their ear. Adama: Well, Athena? Athena: (Shaking her head): Sorry, Father, warrior security's not making any headway into breaking into the engineering section. And the comm specialists are having no luck breaking into the computer and communications systems. Adama: (Sighing) Other than what they've already managed to do in cutting off the overhead speakers. Athena: Yes, sir. Adama: So we still can't access the energizers - which means life support is still cut off to the bridge, and we're still trapped here without the turbolifts. Athena: Yes, sir. Adama: Any word from Apollo and Boomer? Athena: Apollo reports they're nearly there, sir. They managed to crawl through the lambda-lambda-lamda conduit, through the rho-mu junction, and into the alpha-beta-gamma tube. Once they get past the sigma-phi split, and through the tappa-kegga and tri-delt exits - the ones just past the O club - they'll be able to start connecting the lines. Adama: Good, good. Tell them to keep going. Athena: Yes, sir... Tigh: (Dramatic sigh) Who'd have thought we'd become so desperate, to send out best warriors crawling through the bowels of the ship to reach the bay and circumvent the efforts of a group of terrorist children who've utterly immobilized our entire forces... Adama: Tigh, that's my line. Shut up. Tigh: Yes, sir... Athena: They should be in the bay at any micron, Father. Adama: Give me confirmation as soon as you can. Athena: We're re-establishing communications now... Adama: This is Commander Adama...is this Alpha bay? Computer Operator: We're sorry, the party you're calling is currently not available. But your call is very important to us. Please try again later, or leave a message at the beep. Adama: But I'm the Commander! Everybody's available when I call! Computer Operator: We're sorry, the party you're calling is currently not available. But your call is very important to us. Please try again later, or leave a message at the beep. Adama: Wait a micron... Reese! Is that you! >From the speakers comes what sounds like an exchange of whispers. Reese: (Over speakers, very meek.) We're here, sir... Adama: Where're Apollo and Boomer? Reese: (Over speakers) They're right here, sir. Apollo: (Over speakers, very ticked off) Reese, you're gonna pay for that. Reese: (Over speakers, defensive) Can we help it if you and Boomer came out of the conduits looking like something that crawled out of the sewers in an teen-yahren horror yarn! Boomer's voice: (Over speakers) If you hit me with that broom again, I'll-- Apollo: (Over speakers) Never mind, for now. We're here, Father. Boomer's hooking up the cables as we speak. What? Yes! All of them! He confirms it, father, every Viper in the bay is now hooked up to the cable system we pulled behind us all the way through the ship. You can pull the switch from there, and every one of our fighters will switch on, providing every ergon of power here to keep the bridge running and enable you to regain manual control of the entire battlestar. Adama: All right. Warriors, start your Vipers... >From the speakers, come an assortment of thundering roars, followed by screams. The Vipers have ignited fires which sweep through the oily, scented, colorful bay, sending the two warriors and Reese's security officers scrambling for cover. However, the lights come up on the bridge. A very smug Adama turns to Tigh. Adama: Tigh, call warrior security. Let's get those kids... Tigh: Right, sir! Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Chameleon say, "Why, yes, I am dancing on the ceiling!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 11 Date: Tue, 6 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 11 Scene: Meanwhile, back on the Jolly and Cassie Ship, formerly known as the Orphan Ship until our intrepid mega-parent-material warrior and generally intelligent kid-lovin' med tech adopted them all, giving them numbers instead of names because they couldn't think of eighteen hundred names - ignoring completely the fact that each child already had a name of his or her own. Jolly has just brought the shuttle in for a landing. The hatch opens, and a horde of children begin leaping out and racing off throughout the bay. Cassie: (Appearing in hatchway and following children across bay) Now, kids, don't wake your siblings. They're still down for their naps! Cassie slowly begins to rise from the deck and finds herself floating, as do the children. Jolly appears in the hatch. Jolly: Cassie! You're walking on air! What did I do? Cassie: (Smiling and waving.) Well, for once it wasn't you, sweetie! I don't know, but I'm sure we'll figure it out soon. Jolly: (Glancing around at children and toys drifting at every altitude in the bay.) It looks like the ship's gravity has gone a little crazy. We left #98 back on the Galactica, didn't we? Cassie: (Grabbing a girder and hanging on for dear life, then grabbing her skirt to hold it in place when it continues floating up.) Yes, I think we did. Jolly: Then it must be... Jolly and Cassie together: #666! Jolly steps out into the bay and starts drifting upward. With a little aerial acrobatics, he manages to steer in Cassie's direction. Starbuck appears in the hatch of the shuttle, and grabs onto the doorway for dear life, staring blearily around the bay. Starbuck: I have a concussion. That's the only explanation. Cassie, this is all your fault. You threw that space-hockey puck right at my head. Don't try to deny it. Cassie: Why would I deny it? You broke Athena's heart. You broke Aurora's heart. You broke Noday's heart. You broke Miriam's heart. You broke Caledonia's heart. You broke Iberia's heart. You broke Erin's heart. You broke Britannia's heart. You broke Columbia's heart. You broke...well, face it. You've broken hearts on every planet, moon, asteroid, comet, nation, and alien base in the quadrant! But you couldn't be bothered to break my heart, no. You were too busy butting heads with Apollo! And about what, I still don't know! Starbuck: (In a small voice.) I don't remember... But please don't make me walk out in that gravity-less bay. I'll throw up, really I will. Another figure drifts into the bay, pushing himself off against the ceiling with elegant gestures as he moves along -- strictly forward, and with no high heels and no long gown. Child Chorus: Granpa Cham! The children cluster, heading in the direction of Chameleon, their Granpa Cham, who is not really related to any of them, of course, but loves children, and loves Cassie (just because, not just because he thought his secret son Starbuck was going to marry her), and would do just about anything to get away from a certain classy Siress Blassie on the Senior Ship. Chameleon: Children, children, so good to see you back! Now, hurry up, your siblings are awake from their naps and have put their blankies away. They are heading down for snack. Unless you catch up with them, they'll eat all the mushies! Child Chorus: Yay! Granpa Cham's giving us mushies! The children float, flock, swim, kick, and generally make their way to the bay exit, vanishing from site and sight. Chameleon continues vigorously making his way across the ceiling in what appears to be a fox trot -- no surprise, coming from that old fox. Cassie: Chameleon, are you...dancing? Chameleon: As a matter of fact, yes, I am dancing on the ceiling. It appears little #666 turned off the internal gravity, but he promised it would be back on within the centar. In the meantime, we've got the lightest, fluffiest, chocolatiest mushie souffles the galley has ever baked! I've never felt so light on my feet! And I've also found 68 cubits that floated out of seat cushions in the media room. I'm thinking of taking a trip to the Rising Star. Starbuck: (Piteously.) Can I join you? Please? Chameleon glances at Jolly and Cassie, who look at each other, then smile and wave him on. Cassie: Oh, go ahead, Chameleon, you've lasted longer than any other babysitter we've ever had. Have a good time! Jolly: You can even take the shuttle - if Starbuck's up to flying! Starbuck: (Suddenly looking like himself again) Just watch me! He briskly takes a step out to pull Chameleon down from the ceiling - and immediately launches himself toward the open side of the bay, where the stars are far too clearly visible. Starbuck: (Flailing madly.) Help!!! Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Zara say, "This is Zara of IFB, with breaking news from the Galactica -- OOF!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 12 Date: Wed, 7 Mar 2001 Time for a little update on the situation...and we've got a newswoman just aching to do so. ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 12 Scene: A darkened corridor of the Battlestar Galactica, just outside the bridge. Newscaster Zara and her videolator are sneaking along the corridor. (Socialator, travelator, videolator, okay?) Zara: (In a conspiratorial whisper.) This is Zara of IFB, aboard the Galactica itself, where we've secretly replaced the bridge crew's fresh-ground caff with flash-dried caff crystals. Now let's see if they've noticed the difference! As Zara approaches the entrance to the bridge, she is nearly run over when Rigel comes rushing off the bridge, long unbraided hair streaming freely in the sudden, delicately scented breeze, sobbing. Rigel: (Dramatically.) I can't take it any more! Zara: (Catching a thick hank of hair and pulling Rigel to a stop.) Corporal Rigel! What can't you take anymore? Is this the result of a problem with, say, the caff? Rigel: (Staring at Zara as if she's demented.) The caff? What about the caff? Zara: Oh, why, nothing - have you noticed anything different about the caff? Rigel: If anyone messed with my caff, why, I'd...I'd have to do something drastic! Zara: (Quickly) No, no, I'd never do anything to the caff! Videolator: But, Zara-! Zara: Shut up! So, Rigel, what is the problem that has you running wildly from the bridge, if it's not the caff? Are you being sexually harassed by your fellow officers because you're a woman trying to do a man's job in a militaristic, chauvinistic, patriarchal society? Rigel: No. Zara: Is it the difficulty of reconciling the external image of the dedicated, hardened warrior that you must project to do your job, with your real, gentle, caring, feminine, interior? Rigel: Not really. Zara: Is it a sudden case of traumatic stress syndrome resulting from the long, tense centars and endless duty shifts necessary to maintain constant vigilance against the Cylons? Rigel: Not exactly. Zara: Is it a reaction to the miseries of life here in the fleet, to the deprivations of insufficient food and resources, and to being forced to live in overcrowded facilities without opportunities for leave time, recreation, and access to sunshine and fresh air? Rigel: Nah. Zara: Are you suffering a long-overdue and completely understandable nervous breakdown from your personal losses in the Destruction? Rigel: Uh-uh. Zara: Then what is it? Rigel: (Holding out her hand.) I broke a nail! Zara: What? Rigel: I broke a nail! It was in the dark! While that blasted Kiddie Liberation Front was holding the entire fleet hostage as part of its fiendish effort to take control of the Bakeryship and have absolute control over all the mushies in the fleet! Zara: Really? Rigel: Can you imagine anything more horrendous? No more mushies for us... Rigel rushes off down the corridor, now screaming wildly, hair still streaming in the light, meadow-scented breeze. Zara: (Turns to videolator) A story, a real story! No more of these fluff pieces! Come on -- Like a puddy tat on the tent of a tweetie bird, Zara heads for the open door to the bridge, looking determined, then turns quickly to the videolator. Zara: Okay, this may be our only shot, so let's get it right. This is Zara of IFB, with breaking news from the Galactica -- OOF! Colonel Tigh comes racing off the bridge, running right into Zara and sending her sprawling. Tigh: (Keeping on going) Sorry. Priorities. Security issues. Duty. Crisis. Can't stop. Gotta go. Zara: (Beginning to sniffle.) But...but... All I want is a story...a real story... Is that too much to ask? Doesn't anybody care about my needs? Videolator: Well, you're not exactly Serina, you know. Zara: (Ticked off.) You had to mention her again, didn't you... Zara slowly gets to her feet, glaring murderously. Wielding her microphone like a weapon, she begins to stalk her videolator, who shows the better part of valor by getting the hades out of there at maximum warp, pursued by the vengeful newscaster. Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "It's in here, with us...somewhere..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 13 Date: Thu, 8 Mar 2001 Heh-heh, the madwoman continues...but I am labeling, do I get points for that? :-) ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 13 Scene: A darkened conduit, somewhere in the launch bay of the Galactica. Crawling through the conduit are Apollo, Boomer, and Reese, in that order. Reese: Are we there yet? Apollo: (Patiently.) Not yet. But we should be approaching the junction soon; then we'll have to start moving upward, until we reach the fork on the right. Boomer: I thought it was the fork on the left. Apollo: Not on the Galactica. Now, if you were on the Pegasus... Boomer: We'd be dead. Reese: No, we wouldn't. Are we there yet? Boomer: How would you know? Reese: Sheba said so. She's certain her father, the great Commander Cain, is still alive and fighting, and someday he'll fly to our rescue, just like he did last time, and save the day. Only this time he'll decide to stay with the fleet because he's completed his mission out there and realizes this is where he really belongs, with the rest of surviving humanity. And then they'll be joyously reunited. I'll get to meet my future father-in-law, whom Sheba assures me will absolutely love me. Apollo: (In falsetto) Wrong on all counts. Reese: (Scoffing.) Like you'd know. Like you'd really know anything about what's in her heart and soul! Apollo: Have you been talking to Iblis too? Reese: As a matter of fact, I did. Are we there yet? Apollo: Why do you keep asking that?? Reese: Have you smelled Boomer's feet recently? I can't wait to get out of these close, confined spaces! Boomer: Hey, I can't help it if we had to take off our boots to use the buckles to shimmy open the hatch so we could escape into the conduits or be roasted alive! Reese: You coulda put on clean socks this morning! Apollo: Reese, we're all making do. The laundry ship is on strike, remember? We're even having to rinse out our own cups! Reese: Ewh! Thank Kobol for small favors. Apollo: (Just as dramatically as Adama would.) Wait! What's that? Boomer: What's what? Apollo: That...that... Reese: (Forebodingly.) There's something out there... Apollo: (Panicky.) It's in here! With us! Somewhere... Boomer: Apollo, let's get outta here... Reese: (Now frantic) Where can we go? Apollo: (Feeling something catch his hand.) Yikes! Giles: (Having just grabbed Apollo's hand) Yikes! Apollo: Giles? Giles: Apollo? Apollo and Giles both: What are you doing here? Apollo: I'm pulling rank. You tell first. Giles: Well, you're the senior officer, you should go first. Apollo: Giles!!!! Giles: All right, all right! When the energizers went out, a lot of the doors were jammed shut. A bunch of us were trapped outside the O Club, with nowhere to drink, nowhere to talk with each other, nowhere to eat pretzels and throw around gooberpea shells, nowhere to sing karaoke, nowhere to have a good brawl. We had to find a way in, Apollo, we had to. We're warriors, after all. So we went through the conduits. Apollo: I understand, Giles. I think I'd'a done the same thing. Giles: We heard mysterious sounds whispering through the conduit, and I was drafted...uh, I volunteered to investigate. Apollo: So how close are we? Giles: To the O Club? Oh, about six feet. Apollo, Boomer, and Reese all whoop for joy. Reese: Giles, if you were a girl, I'd kiss you! Giles: Reese, if I were a girl, I'd kick you! Apollo: Gee, Reese, and what would your precious Sheba say about you kissing other women? Boomer: Or worse, kissing other men! Reese: Well, hardy-har-har. You can sit here and insult me all you want, guys - but get out of my way and let me get to the O Club! All together: (With renewed vigor) The O Club! Yee-hah! Woo-hoo! Far out! Let's go! Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Siress Belloby say "I've cornered the market on mushies, Adama...shall we make a deal?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 14 Date: Fri, 9 Mar 2001 "This is Zara of IFB, welcoming you to the 14th episode, completing the second full secton of this landmark series! Hurray! And while we're here, let me introduce you to some new personnel here at IFB, starting with my very own new videolator! My previous videolator, unfortunately, met with a tragic accident and wound up spacing himself... But now, on to Episode 14!" ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 14 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where power is being gradually restored. Athena: Sir, we've restored power - but Boxey and the Kiddie Liberation Front are still in control of Engineering and the energizers. Adama: (Muttering) I never liked that kid. Athena: What was that, Father? Adama: Never mind. What about the rest of the ship? Athena: We can maintain life support and communications, but we still can't go anywhere. Adama: (Shaking his head.) A series set in space...that can't boldly go anywhere...no new life, no new civilizations, no lost colonies of man... Who'll care? Athena: Sir? A communique from the Kiddie Liberation Front. They say if we don't start handing over mushies, they'll reactivate Muffey! Adama: If they think we'll be scared of one little daggit... Athena: (Horrified) And...and they say they'll make more Muffeys! One for every child in the fleet! All over the bridge are shouts and gulps of alarm. One or two people even faint in shock. Tigh: Sir, this is serious. We may have to deal with them. Adama: (Shaking his head again) But to hand over the bakeryship...even at risk of a Muffey in every billet... Tigh, that runs against every tenet of our society. To give in to terrorism, to succumb to threats, to knuckle under to demands, to submit to repression, to give up our mushies under threat of Muffeys... Tigh: (Aggravated) I get the point, sir. But what do we do? Adama: We need to do something. Have warrior security stand by in case they try to make a break with the daggits. And get me the captain of the bakeryship! Athena: Captain Robert, sir? Adama: Yes. Tigh: (A little nervously) Sir, are you sure we want to be dealing with him? Didn't he used to be known as the Dread Pirate Robert? Adama: Any man's entitled to change, Tigh. Tigh: A little change is one thing, sir. Millions of cubits is another! Besides, what he charges for his chocos and mushies and other desserts, he's still a pirate! Adama: Just get me Captain Robert. Athena: (Hesitantly) Father, I've got the bakeryship...but... Adama: But what? Put me through! Belloby: (Over the speaker) Hello again, Adama. Adama: (Shocked) Siress Belloby! What...what are you doing aboard the bakeryship? Belloby: (Over the speaker, chuckling) Let's just say that Captain Robert and I go way back, and he owes me. So now, my dear Commander Adama, the bakeryship is mine. You could say I've cornered the market on mushies...shall we make a deal? Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba's plaintive cry "Will somebody please let me out of here?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 15 Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 15 Scene: A shuttle on the way to the Rising Star. Starbuck is in the pilot's seat, very relieved to be safely away from the Jolly and Cassie Ship and the threat of perpetual babysitting. Chameleon is in the co-pilot's seat. Behind them, a pair of boot-clad feet stick out of a bin, partially wrapped with colorful maypole ribbons like a Kobolian mummy, occasionally kicking. Sheba: (Plaintively) Will somebody please let me out of here? Chameleon and Starbuck glance back at the bin. Chameleon: Should we? Starbuck: Probably... She's going to be angry enough when she gets out of there. We don't want her mad at us, too. Chameleon goes to the bin and tips it over, allowing the Kobolian-mummy-wrapped warrior woman to slide out onto the floor like Cleopatra out of a carpet, only dressed. She claws her way out of the maypole ribbons and jumps to her feet, the fury evident in her eyes. Sheba: All right! Where's Cassiopeia? I'm gonna... Chameleon: Last I saw of her, she was halfway up the girder in the landing bay of the Jolly and Cassie Ship. Sheba: Probably chased up there by her brats. Good for them. Okay, where are those kids that wrapped me up? Starbuck: Back on the Jolly and Cassie Ship too - well, except for the ones that are holding the fleet hostage on the Galactica, according to the security channel I've been monitoring. Sheba: The fleet's being held hostage? Is my dear sweet Reese all right? Does the security channel say anything about him? Chameleon and Starbuck exchange glances, with Starbuck rolling his eyes. Starbuck: Not that I've heard yet. But it sounds like Commander Adama personally is going to the bakeryship with a representative of the Kiddie Liberation Front to try to work out a deal to resolve the matter. Sheba: So where are we going? Starbuck: The Rising Star, of course. Chameleon found some loose cubits, so we're going gambling. Sheba: Didn't you get into trouble with that last time? Chameleon: (Cheerfully) Oh, we're going to a different chancery this time. Very private. Great games. Big money. Beautiful women. Fantastic shows. High-octane booze. And everybody gets their own room, free, to sleep it off in - unless they're willing to share a room, in which Sire Uri pays you to let him videotape it. Sheba: (Tossing her head so her hair flies in an elegant circle around her face.) Pay people to let themselves be videotaped sleeping together? How boring! Starbuck and Chameleon exchange glances again. Starbuck: You really were protected as a child, weren't you, Sheba? Sheba: Leave my father out of this. Chameleon: Do you want to go along, or do you want us to drop you off somewhere? Sheba: Well...is there anything there I'd like? Chameleon: Handsome men, great shows, secret shopping sprees among the most incredible luxury goods liberated by Sire Uri during the exodus- Sheba: (Wide-eyed) Ooh! Count me in! There's no place to really shop in the fleet. I haven't had a new dress since I came aboard. Since I had to leave my whole wardrobe back on the Pegasus, all I've got is that blue one I borrowed from Cassie, and the draped pink one I borrowed from Athena, and the sparkley green one I borrowed from Brie, and the flourescent white one I borrowed from Dierdre, and that slinky backless black I borrowed from Sorrell, and that fringed irridescent purple thing slit up to here that I borrowed from Gemi, and the silvery sleeveless sheath I borrowed from Serina's closet - she won't use it anymore, after all -- and-- Starbuck: (Loudly) Gee, it's too bad that you don't have any dresses. Sheba: (Swatting the back of his head.) They're not mine, they're just borrowed! And never returned! And they're not new! They weren't made just for me by Couturiers of Caprica. I haven't had any decent shopping since I came aboard, duh! Didn't you hear? Chameleon: (Whispering to her) Actually, since Cassie conked him with a space-hockey puck, I'm not sure he understands everything he hears. Sheba: So how that does differ from before he got conked with a space-hockey puck? Chameleon opens his mouth to respond, reconsiders, then shrugs. Sheba: (Smug.) So, gentlemen, let's go to the Rising Star! Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Chameleon say "I knew her, Horatio..." March 10, 2001 Robert noted: >> Athena: Captain Robert, sir? > OH OH!!! Double That! "Would that be double your chocolate milk, sir?" asked Monoceros. "It's a Saturday, feel free to indulge yourself..." Ah, and we have not seen the last of the Dread Pirate...uh, Captain Robert! -- Sharon Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 16 Date: Sun, 11 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 16 Scene: The secret chancery aboard the Rising Star, where high-cubit wagerers come to risk their luck against Sire Uri's rigged games. Lots of music, lots of lights, lots of women in form-fitting gowns cut down to here and up to there, and plenty of men in tight black leather and metallic silver clothes lifted straight out of "Cleopatra 2525." (Excuse me while I go out for air -- "Oh, Mauser, why did you have to be an android and not fully functional?") Chameleon, Starbuck, and Sheba are at the door. Chameleon: Ah, the most wretched remaining hive of scum and villainy in the fleet... The doorman/bouncer approaches. Starbuck: Oh-oh, he looks like trouble, Chameleon, should I-? Chameleon: (Holding out a hand to restrain the warrior.) Oh, no, Starbuck, Horatio and I go back a long way. Horatio: (The doorman/bouncer, in case you hadn't guessed.) Why, Chameleon, so good to see you again. You've found more cubits to lose? Chameleon: (Grinning) I have a new system - and this time, I may even beat your games. Horatio: (Also grinning familiarly) You wish! I hear that from you every time you come in here. You haven't yet! So, who are your friends? Chameleon: Well, this is Lieutenant Starbuck, my s...special friend. Horatio: (Winking) Oh, your special friend... Chameleon: No, not that kind of special. Just...a very good friend. Horatio: Whatever you say. And the lady? (He does a double-take, looking at Sheba.) Chameleon: This is Lieutenant Sheba. Also a friend. Horatio: Wow! You look just like Delilah! Chameleon: (Smiling widely.) Delilah! Ahhh, I knew her, Horatio... Starbuck: (Grinning at Chameleon as he winks and nudges the old man with an elbow.) And how well did you know her? Chameleon: (Smiling with very fond remembrance.) Well enough, Starbuck. A woman of infinite jest, infinite wit. Age could not wither her nor custom stale her infinite variety. And there was this thing she did with carpets... But...Sheba? What is it? Sheba: (Initially delighted, then puzzled.) Delilah was my mother! How could you know... Chameleon and Sheba stare at each quizzically. Horatio discretely flees the scene, vanishing into the crowd. Sheba: You knew my mother? Chameleon: Delilah was your mother? Sheba: Yes! That's what I said! Can't any of you men hear? All color drains from Chameleon's face as he studies hers. Sheba: Not...no, you didn't know her...oh, not that well...? Starbuck: Oh-oh. That explains a few things... (He now makes a break for it, vanishing into the crowd.) Chameleon: Uhm, yes, I'm...afraid so... The crowd is beginning to notice. They begin to draw back. Sheba: (Dangerously, her rage and shock barely under control, on the edge of explosion.) Are you telling me I may not really be the daughter of the great Commander Cain - but of a common wagerer? Chameleon: (Apologetically, hunching his shoulders) It's...possible... Sheba: No...you...couldn't be...my father... The crowd breaks into a stampede of gallops, heading for the turbolifts, the corridors, the side rooms, under the tables, anywhere they might be out of range. Sheba: It's not bad enough I've been abandoned by one father. Now I find out I've been abandoned by two? As well as by an idiot who can't see beyond his first wife? Men! You're all alike! Chameleon: But I didn't know...! And I thought you and Reese... Sheba: That twit? I only dated him to make Apollo suffer - but now I can see I'm never going to waste my time with any of you again! (Turns and stalks out, but pauses for just a micron.) By the way, I'm taking the shuttle. Find your own way home! She slams the door behind her and vanishes. Yes, I know, you can't slam a hatch. But believe me, Sheba's mad enough that when she decides to slam the hatch, it knows better than to object! Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby say, "So, Adama, let's talk sweetness and mushies..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 17 Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 17 Scene: Aboard the Bakeryship, Adama, Apollo (only slightly inebriated, which explains the shuttle flight) and Omega, representatives of the fleet, and Boxey and Child #98, representatives of the Kiddie Liberation Front, have come to meet with Siress Belloby and the Dread Pirate...uh, Captain Robert, who have cornered the market on mushies. Belloby is fashionably late. The others talk among themselves. Boxey: Let me do the talking, #98. Granpa will listen to me. Child #98: It sounds like Siress Belloby will be the one doing the talking... Boxey: Yeah, she does that a lot. But I know Granpa. He'll do whatever it takes to get us mushies, and that means he'll do whatever the Siress asks. I know. He's done it before. Child #98: (Delighted.) So we'll soon have mushies! Boxey: Yeah. Adama: Now, all right, Apollo, remember what I told you the last time. You are not part of this. I will not embarrass you, so let's just get it over with. Apollo: (Groaning.) I remember what happened last time. I thought she gave up on you, and was looking for a younger man, a real animal... Adama: (Studying Apollo in a new light.) Hmmm. Apollo: (Quickly turning to Omega.) Are we prepared to negotiate? Omega: As ready as we'll ever be. (Glancing at the list of demands prepared by Adama and Tigh.) We want Jolly and Cassie's kids to leave the Galactica and never return. Salik especially endorses that one. We want them to take Muffey with them and never bring him back. And we want them to stop wrapping our crew and pilots like Kobolian mummies. Adama: (Nodding very solemnly.) Yes, that about covers it. Omega: And in return, they want the bakeryship tethered to the Jolly and Cassie Ship, with complete and free access to mushies, chocos, sweetums, etc., at our expense, at any centar of the day. Apollo: Oooh, can you imagine how many mushies they'll eat in a day? Adama: (Thoughtfully.) Perhaps they'll overdose on sweets, and never want them again. It's axiomatic that-- Omega: Sir? Adama: Shut up, Omega. As I was saying, it's axiomatic that children want what they can't have, and given free- Omega: But, sir? Adama: I said, shut up, Omega. I'm declaiming here about- Omega: (Holding up portable communication device, which only looks like a communicator.) But it's a call from Cassiopeia! Adama: You're interrupting again- Omega: She says they have mushies aboard the Jolly and Cassie Ship. And that's the featured dessert for tonight! Child #98: (Lighting up.) They've got mushies? Boxey: We're outta here! Omega: But who'll fly you? Child #98: Oh, I got my pilot's license a secton ago. Papa Jo and the Dread Captain Robert make great teachers! The two children zoom out the door, nearly running over Siress Belloby as she comes sweeping in, wide anticipatory smile on her face. Belloby: So, Adama, let's talk sweetness and mushies. Adama: I'm afraid that discussion has to be tabled, Siress. The Kiddie Liberation Front has surrendered the Galactica. Belloby: What? But they can't do that, not when I've got you just where I want you, again! Adama: Sorry, Siress, I have to get back to the Galactica. Things will need my guiding hand. Apollo, you could stay- Omega: He's already halfway to the shuttle, sir. Adama: All right, you can stay. Bye, Belloby! Adama vanishes through the open hatch in a swirl of blue cape, leaving Belloby grinning lecherously at an obviously alarmed Omega. Belloby: Well, my fine young man, let's get to know each other... Omega: (Faintly.) Help? Somebody? Anybody? Tune in next time, when we'll hear Rigel say, "The coast is clear!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 18 Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 18 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, now fully powered but still not boldly going, where Tigh, Rigel, and Athena have prominent positions, along with a dozen other assorted nameless crewmen - and no, they weren't raised by Jolly and Cassie. This space soap opera hasn't degenerated to the point of children disappearing for two or three eps and coming back as young adults - yet. Tigh: Athena, any word from Commander Adama? Athena: Not yet, sir. Tigh: Keep me informed. Tigh and Rigel exchange glances, then Tigh moves casually to the grill over the opening to the conduit system, whistling as though he hasn't a care in the star system...galaxy...universe...whatever! Tigh: Athena? Athena: Not a word yet, sir. Although telemetry indicates two shuttles have left the bakeryship, both at top speed, one heading for the Jolly and Cassie Ship, the other heading for the Galactica. Tigh: Any other traffic? Athena: Well, several shuttles are on their standard intrafleet routes. There's a military shuttle returning from a top-secret mission that hasn't been disclosed, with personnel who, amazingly enough, aren't from Blue Squadron and aren't even pilots, if you can believe it - Cutler's people, I think. Or maybe Lysander's. And...hmm...there's a shuttle heading toward the Galactica from the Rising Star. I wonder what that's about... Tigh: Well, continue to monitor it, Athena. Closely. Very closely. Extremely closely. Closer than you've ever monitored anything in your life. As close as if a promotion depended upon it. Athena: (Puzzled.) Yes, sir. Tigh stands before the grill. What no one can see is that he is silently removing the screws from the corners, behind his back, while continuing to watch the bridge with his apparent complete attention, then quietly setting the grill to the side. For just a centon, the music from Mission Impossible can be heard in the background. Equally casually, Rigel gets up and moves to stand behind him, also scanning the bridge, a computer report device in her hand. Rigel: (Sotto voce -- look it up!) The coast is clear. Tigh gropes into the duct behind him, and pulls out...a tray of mushies. He turns around long enough to quickly grab one and cram it into his mouth, a heavenly expression crossing his face as he chews and swallows. He then turns around and nods at Rigel. She turns, grabs a mushie, and stuffs her face, somewhat more daintily than Tigh did, and turns, an ecstatic expression on her face. Tigh shoves the secret mushie cache back into its secret stashing space, and replaces the grill. Rigel makes her way back to her station. Athena: (Staring narrowly at Rigel, who has neglected to wipe away a frosting mustache.) Rigel, what's that! Rigel: (Dreamily.) What's what? Athena: That...that thing on your face! Rigel: What thing? (Touches her face, discovers the frosting, and bursts into tears.) Athena, I thought you were my friend, how could you do this to me? (She turns and rushes from the bridge.) Athena: (Turning to Tigh.) You're concealing mushies! And don't try to deny it! It's as plain as the frosting on your face! The rest of the bridge crew stares at Tigh, with shocked, mutinous, betrayed expressions. Athena: I'm telling my father on you! Tigh: Now, there's no point in making a big fuss out a little thing like this... Athena: Hah! This is just the chance my brother's been waiting for! You'll see. By the end of the day, Apollo will be the Colonel and you'll be swabbing the decks with Reese! Tigh: (Muttering) Where are those Kobolian maypole twiners when you really need them? (Aloud.) Well, I guess there's no choice then. (Turns to the rest of the bridge crew.) Ladies and gentlemen, there're plenty of mushies for everyone...unless Athena tells Commander Adama and the mushies are confiscated for the good of the fleet. The fleet that we daily risk our lives to defend. The fleet that doesn't appreciate us. That mutters behind our backs. That begrudges us the simple luxury of a mushie... The crew digests that information, and begins to look suspiciously at Athena. Tigh: However, if something were to happen to Athena...well, there'd be enough mushies for everybody here to have some... Athena: Why, you...you... Crewman #1: I've got some maypole ribbons under my console... Crewman #5: So do I... The crewmen, who just happen to be the older relatives of some of Jolly and Cassie's kids, who taught them about maypole twining, pull out the ribbons, and set to work. In short order, Athena looks suspiciously like yet another Kobolian mummy. The crewmen carry out her mumbling, squirming, protesting form, and stash her in the nearest closet. Tigh calmly opens the duct grill and regretfully pulls out the rest of the mushies. Tigh: Ah, It'll be sad to see you all go. (Turns to crew.) Dig in. The bridge crew mobs the mushie tray. Tigh smiles superiorly and takes Adama's chair on the command dais. Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Tigh, get out of my chair." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 19 Date: Wed, 14 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 19 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where about a dozen very happy, sweet-toothed bridge crew are sitting at their stations, wearing idiotic smiles and frosting mustaches. Tigh is in Adama's chair. Rigel is back, long hair braided and piled into matching Princess Leia earmuff-buns on the sides of her face. Rigel: Colonel? Commander Adama's shuttle has returned. Although after that landing, I'm not sure what shape the ship or passengers are in. Tigh: Why? Rigel: It came in upside down. Tigh: Hmm. Either some of the scanners and internal gravity are out - or we should have told Apollo to sleep it off rather than have him be the pilot, after that party in the O Club. Rigel: How good can the party be? Have they got mushies? Tigh: True. What is the report from the bay? Rigel: Commander Adama is heading for the bridge, and the clean-up crews are complaining vociferously about Captain Apollo having thrown up on the shuttle. They say they don't do windows! Tigh: Hmm... A ruckus from behind signals the arrival on the bridge of an extremely angry Commander Adama, with a very meek and sick looking Captain Apollo trailing behind. The bridge crew quickly springs to alert and wipes off the mushie mustaches. Apollo: I said I was sorry, father... Adama: You threw up on the co-pilot's seat! And you didn't tell me until too late! It's a good thing I had the usual spare uniform aboard! You're getting time out! Tigh: That doesn't work with Boxey; what makes you think it'll work with him? Adama: Well, he's too old to spank - and he'd probably just throw up on my boots! (Does a double-take.) Tigh, get out of my chair. Tigh leaps out of the chair like a tigger on springs - yes, that's a redundancy, we all know tiggers have springs in their tails -- and we return to the tale as Adama takes his proper place. Rigel: Hmm, we have two more shuttles requesting landing clearance. One is from the Rising Star, and the other is from the Bakeryship! Adama: Who's aboard them? Rigel: Sheba's on one. Apollo: (Muttering.) She can wait. Adama: Give her clearance -- Beta Bay. The other? Rigel: (Gulping.) It's Siress Belloby, sir! Adama: (Shrinking back into his chair.) B...belloby? But...we just left her on the Bakeryship... Rigel: Well, she's back...and she wants aboard... Adama: (Sounding like a ghost of himself): Give her clearance...after Sheba... I don't suppose she'd land in Alpha Bay? Rigel: Yes, sir. And no, sir. Omega's flying the shuttle. He knows what happened to Alpha. Tigh: Need I ask how the mushie negotiations went, Adama? Adama: The kids gave up and went home. Tigh: (More cheerfully.) Even Boxey? Adama: Yes... Tigh: Well, then the day's not a total loss, is it? Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby bellow, "You lost my mushies?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 20 Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 "Jolly Lost the Kids" - Episode 20 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica. Actually, the other landing bay, Beta Bay, since the first landing bay, Alpha Bay, is still being cleaned up from the perfume-fueled, Viper-ignited, marshmallow-toasting, hot dog-roasting fires of Episode 10. Two shuttles have just landed. Out of one step Sheba, Bojay, and Zara's videolator. Out of the other step Belloby and Omega. Bojay: Thanks for picking me up, Sheba. I don't think I coulda held my breath much longer. Sheba: Any time, Bojay. I know you'd do the same for me. Videolator: Me, too. Sheba: Yeah, you, whoever your name is. Videolator: (Hopefully.) I can tell you. Sheba: (Waving him off.) Not necessary. (Hey, now who's ever really dead in a soap, space or comic book opera?) Sheba, Bojay, and the videolator leave the bay. A moment later, a stampede of children, the erstwhile Kiddie Liberation Front and holders hostage of the Galactica engineering section, come racing through the bay. For a moment there is pandemonium, children everywhere, then they see commandeer Sheba's shuttle. A moment later, the shuttle launches again. Adama enters the bay, followed by Reese and several other security officers. Adama: (Watching the shuttle depart.) Well, that's one problem dealt with. Belloby: Adama! Adama: Belloby... Uh, what brings you to the Galactica? We don't need to deal with the KLF anymore... Belloby: I know. But talking to Omega, I realized just how severe the mushie shortage is here on the Galactica. So I brought a little treat as a peace offering to you, and as a thank you for bringing that darling young stud...uh, man, to my attention. Adama glances at Omega, eyebrows halfway off his head. Omega just grins smugly. Adama: (Stuttering.) Well, that was very...uh, generous of you, Belloby... Belloby: (Gesturing to security officers, who look hopeful.) Go get 'em, boys. Reese and the officers stampede aboard the shuttle. Belloby: (Coyly.) I trust you'll be appropriately appreciative, Adama. Adama glances at Omega again, unsure how to take the comment. A moment later, Reese appears at the hatch of the shuttle. Reese: Hey, there's no mushies here! Belloby, Omega, and Adama: (Shocked.) What? Reese: I said, there's no mushies here! Adama: I heard you the first time! (Turns to Belloby.) What kind of cruel joke...? Belloby: (Bellowing at Reese.) You lost my mushies? Reese: Well, we didn't exactly lose them... Belloby: Then what exactly did you do with them? Reese: Well, we didn't find them! They're not here! I didn't do anything with them! Belloby: (Dangerously.) They were there when I left the Bakeryship! Reese: Well, they're not here now... Uh...maybe they've been hi-jacked, ma'am...? Belloby: (Turning to Adama.) I'm holding you personally responsible for the hi-jacking of my mushies, Adama. And I'm not leaving this ship until you get to the bottom of this! Adama: (Horrified.) Oh. Okay. I'll put my best men on it... Belloby: No, you won't. He's going to the O Club with me. C'mon, Omega, I'm buying. Belloby and Omega leave the bay for the O Club, leaving Adama looking utterly lost. Adama: She won't leave...she won't leave...what am I going to do? Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Reese say, "It's not over until I say it's over." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 21 Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2001 "This is newscaster Koppel, taking over for newscaster Zara. Zara is currently in custody aboard the Galactica, waiting to stand trial for the spacing of her previous videolator. It appears the spacing was not quite the tragic accident we had earlier been led to believe. That said, let us now enjoy today's episode of our longest-running IFB serial..." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 21 Scene: A corridor of the Galactica, where we see Reese hurrying to catch up with Sheba and Bojay. Reese: Sheba! Honey, dearest, great love of my life! Wait! Sheba: (Rolling her eyes.) Go ahead to the O Club, Bojay. I won't be long. Bojay: Right. See you later. Bojay continues on, while Sheba waits for Reese. Reese: Welcome back, oh gorgeous goddess of glamour, gaiety, golden tresses, and great gams. Sheba: Whaddaya want, Reese. Reese: (Hurt.) Is that any to greet your dearest darling? Sheba: It's over between us, Reese. Reese: What? Sheba: I said, it's over between us. Reese: Hey, it's not over until I say it's over! Sheba. Say it's over, Reese, or I'll space you. Reese: (Meekly.) It's over. Sheba: Much better. I guess it's wrong what everybody says about you. You do have a brain cell in that head after all. Reese: But...but why? What did I do wrong? Sheba: It was nothing you did. I found out that Cain isn't really my father -- Chameleon is. And after dealing with Apollo, you, and Starbuck, and enduring all those yahrens of thinking I was the daughter of this great military genius, trying to live up to his reputation, instead of knowing I was the daughter of a common wagerer, and could've have some fun growing up... Well, I'm tired of men. I'm through with men. Reese: (Snidely.) Well, that explains why you're still hanging around with Bojay, all right. Sheba: He's the only man who's never let me down. Well, him and Ganymede of Couturiers of Caprica. Reese: So where do we go from here? What's next for Sheba and Reese? Sheba: Well, if you promise not to drool, I'll buy you a drink at the O Club. Reese: I'll settle for that. They fall into step together. Sheba: You know, you're taking this a lot better than I thought you would. Reese: I guess, somewhere inside, I always knew it could come to this. You're one hades of a woman, Sheba. I can understand why there wouldn't be any man who could keep you happy for long. I'm just glad I had the chance to try. Sheba: (Glancing at him in astonishment.) Hmm. Well...thank you. Reese: Ha! Gotcha! Boomer comes racing up as though from out of nowhere. Boomer: Did you hear the news? They're arrested Boxey - for hi-jacking mushies! Sheba and Reese stare at him, then at each other. Reese: Belloby's mushies? Boomer: I don't know. They're not releasing details yet. Sheba: Wow, if he's found guilty, he could do yahrens in the prison barge! Boomer: Yeah. Sheba: And he wouldn't be back on the Galactica. I know I never liked the kid, and he never liked me...kept comparing me to his mother. Well, I guess that means there's only one thing to do... To the O Club! We've got some celebrating to do! With a whoop and a holler, the three of them head to the O Club. Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Order, order in the tribunal!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 22 Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2001 Okay, let's try this again... -- Sharon ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 22 Scene: The tribunal room aboard the Galactica, where, at long last, in that time-honored tradition of soaps everywhere, the dramatic trial is in progress. Among the crowd of spectators sits Zara's videolator, a neck brace around his neck, his arm in a cast, wearing a back brace, and with two shapely med techs, one on either side. Zara's protector, Barrister Boxey, newly admitted to the bar, is at his table, short legs dangling. Opposer Sire Solon is questioning Zara... Sire Solon: Your videolator Paparazzi claims that you spaced him. You actually expect this tribunal to believe it was justifiable or an act of temporary insanity? Barrister Boxey: Objection! Foundation! You have not established that Paparazzi was a videolator and worked for Newscaster Zara. Adama: Regretfully upheld. Sire Solon: (Rolling his eyes and sighing, in what appears to be a common event.) All right, Zara. Let us first establish foundation. To the best of your knowledge, as far as you know, Videolator Paparazzi worked for IFB? Zara: He always represented himself so to me. Sire Solon: And he was most frequently assigned to cover your assignments? Zara: I wouldn't know about most of the time... Sire Solon: (Sighing again.) On the day in question, was he assigned to work with you? Zara: Yes. Sire Solon: In his capacity as a videolator for IFB? Zara: (Sighing deeply.) Yes, as far as I know. Sire Solon: And on that day, you spaced him. Zara: Well...it was justifiable. Sire Solon: So you admit it? Zara: And I was insane. Sire Solon: (Dripping contempt...ugh, what a mess.) Oh, really. Zara: (Breaking down on the stand under the merciless Perry Mason style questioning and utter exhaustion.) Yes, I spaced the bum! And I knew what I was doing! And the crowd goes wild. Barrister Boxey: Objection! There is no foundation...oh, wait a centon, that helps us if he's a bum. Objection dropped. Sire Solon: (More gently.) Would you tell us why? Zara: I couldn't take it any more! He brought up Serina - again! For the thousandth time! Barrister Boxey: (Sitting up straighter.) What about my mother? Zara: (Glaring at the videolator.) Yes! He constantly compared me to her! I hated her! She wasn't half as good as everybody said she was! She just walked all over everyone to become a Colonies-wide renowned newscaster! It was over the bodies of others of us! Like me! And she got fame, she got fortune, she got to jump Apollo's bones... (Zara bursts into tears.) Barrister Boxey: (Leaping to his feet, then crawling up on the table when he realizes no one can see him otherwise.) You take that back about my mother! She was the best newscaster in the Colonies! Zara: Was not! Barrister Boxey: Was too! Zara: Was not! Barrister Boxey: I'll get you for that! My client is guilty, granpa your honor! She did it on purpose! So there! (Sticks out tongue at Zara.) Zara: (Dramatically.) See what kind of protector I have? How could he do this to me? And the crowd goes wild. Adama: (Pounding gavel.) Order, order in the tribunal! The crowd settles down. Zara: And by the way, that whiplash claim is a sham! He's just trying to get sympathy! (Sticks out tongue at Videolator Paparazzi.) Adama: (Sighing.) Newscaster Zara, you leave this tribunal no choice but to find you guilty of the deliberate spacing of Videolator Paparazzi, without justification. We must sentence you to spend the rest of your life on the Prison Barge. (Bangs gavel again.) Security steps forward to hustle Zara out of the tribunal room. Adama then glances over the crowd. Adama: Next, this tribunal will hear the case of Fleet versus Boxey and the Kiddie Liberation Front! And the crowd goes wild. Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boxey say, "I'd like to use a lifeline and call a surprise witness..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 23 Date: Sun, 18 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 23 Scene: Still in the tribunal room. Adama and two ship commanders are still sitting in judgment. Sire Solon is still the Opposer. Only now, Boxey is the person on trial. Jolly and Cassie take seats, holding hands. Siress Belloby also arrives, with Officer Omega close to hand. Sire Solon: (Sternly and paternally, to Boxey.) Isn't it true that you were also a leader of the so-called Kiddie Liberation Front? Boxey: Irrelevant to these proceedings. Sire Solon: (Taken aback) What? Boxey: I thought I was charged with hi-jacking Siress Belloby's mushies. Sire Solon: You are. Boxey: Well, what's the KLF got to do with that? Sire Solon: We don't know yet. Boxey, you learned most of what you know about the law from me. Don't try to play games. I wrote the rules. Boxey: (Shrugging with his best innocent look.) I'm a kid. What do the rules mean to me? Sire Solon: They can mean time out, if broken! And friends refusing to play with you any more! And in this case, they may mean incarceration. Stealing mushies is a serious offense! Boxey: I'd like to use a lifeline... Sire Solon: (Impatiently.) Wrong show. Boxey: All right, I want an immunity challenge! Sire Solon: Nope. Boxey: Then I want to call a surprise witness... Sire Solon: Now, you know as well as I do that surprise witnesses, while making for great video drama, are not allowed in real courtrooms. Boxey: It's a rebuttal witness. I'm allowed rebuttal witnesses. Check my witness list! Sire Solon looks at Adama, who quickly skims the information on a computer screen. Adama: The witness must be allowed. Boxey very clearly states he will be bringing in rebuttal witnesses. Sire Solon: (Protesting.) But I haven't said anything that needs to be rebutted! Adama: You did say he was accused of stealing mushies. Sire Solon: Well, yes... Adama shrugs; Boxey resumes his protector seat. Barrister Boxey: I call Child #98! Child #98 takes the stand, to the cheers, whistles, and foot-stamping of the other children. Barrister Boxey: Child #98, you are aware that there is an accusation that mushies have been stolen, or hi-jacked, or otherwise made off with? Child #98: I've heard that, yeah. Barrister Boxey: Where was I when those mushies were taken? Child #98: On a shuttle with me, flying back to the Jolly and Cassie ship. Child Chorus: Hoot, hoot! Hurray! Three cheers! Barrister Boxey: So I could not possibly have taken those mushies, could I? Child #98: Nope. Barrister Boxey: I rest my case. You may sit down, Child #98. Sire Solon: Excuse me, Commander, I'm entitled to rebut the rebuttal witness, and I have a few questions too. (Checks tunic for number.) Child #98, you and Boxey were on your way back to your ship? Child #98: Yup. Sire Solon: After attempting to negotiate a mushie settlement for the so-called Kiddie Liberation Front after they seized control of the Galactica? Child #98: Yes. Sire Solon: So you were both part of the KLF? Child #98: Yes. Barrister Boxey: Objection! Sire Solon: I rest my case. Adama: The case is completed. I have no choice but to find Boxey innocent of hi-jacking mushies, but guilty of terrorist acts. Boxey, you are sentenced-- Barrister Boxey: Hah! I'm six years old. I can't be incarcerated under Caprican law! I can only be released to the custody of my parents! Sire Solon: But you have no parents. You filed a brief asking for emancipation! It was granted! Jolly and Cassie: (After looking at each other in the ensuing silence.) We'll be responsible for him! He just needs a firm hand, loving guidance, a few friends his own age, a place he can call home, etc. etc. Adama: Done! Get him out of here! The crowd quickly files out, leaving only Siress Belloby. Belloby: Well, that took care of one of the fleet's problems, Adama, but you still haven't found my mushies. (Smugly.) And that means I'm still not leaving the Galactica. Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Baltar say, "Hello, Zara." --------- > Siress Belloby also arrives, with Officer Omega close to hand. Or is it Close IN Hand? Or perhaps Wrapped around her finger? Ahhhhh. A hysterical courtroom drama. Bravo!! <"Applause Now " sign flashes> Cheers! Slopping Slop Glopping Glop Dropping Drop My oh my is that a pop? Drink it here. Do not stop. Have a pop with the cop. Drink a pop without a flop. Go ahead and try Sam-I-Wop. Drink up drink up green ice and pop. I will not drink it without a stop. I will not drink it by a cop. I will not, could not try a flop. I wouldn't, couldn't give a slop. I will not drink it here, nor there or anywhere. I will not drink it Sam-I-Wop. I do not like Green Ice and pop. Robert --------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 24 Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" -- Episode 24 Scene: The Prison Barge. Lomas, one of the guards, leads Zara past a row of cells where the male inmates deliver a series of hoots, whistles, and rude comments. She gives them an appropriate hand signal in return. At the end of the row is the mess hall. Lomas: Well, you may as well have a meal before we lock you up in the women's row, since it's that time. Zara glowers and doesn't deign to answer. Lomas: Grab a plate and have a seat; I'll be back in a half a centar. For lack of anything better to do, Zara picks up a plate and begins going through the line. Zara: Is this all there is? Convict Server #1: (Slopping a little yellow slop on her plate.) Well, whaddaya think we get here, mushies? Zara: (Dramatically.) I'm going to cry. Convict Server #2: (Glopping a little green glop on her plate.) Won't do any good. Some of us tried it. Zara: How about if I throw a fit? Convict Server #3: (Dropping a little red drop on her plate.) Well, the Nomen tried that, with the Alliance Enforcers. Zara: Did it work? Convict Server #4: (Pouring a cup full of brown fluid that looks suspicious like caff from flash-frozen crystals.) Nah. We've heard rumors that the Enforcers went back to their planet and got spaced because they dared to let themselves be captured by an inferior enemy, and the Nomen got spaced for being enemies. Zara: (Staring at her cup.) Oh, no, I don't think I can take this... Baltar: (Masquerading as Convict Server #5, the table director.) Hello, Zara. Zara: Baltar. I won't say hello, because that would be greeting you, which would be acknowledging your existence, and after what you did, you don't deserve to have your existence acknowledged. Baltar: You don't belong here, Zara. You're too intelligent, too beautiful, too gifted. You belong at the front news desk of the premiere news network in the galaxy. Zara: (Brightening up.) Really? You think so? Baltar: You've never been fairly appreciated. I know the feeling. I'm actually Cain's illegitimate half-brother - do you think I got any respect? Do you think my genius was ever noticed? No. I had to make my own way in the worlds. I had to earn my own fortune, my own respect. I was misunderstood. I had to face my own half-brother trying to kill me. Nothing ever came easy to me. Zara: I know exactly what you mean... Baltar: It sounds...like we're a lot alike, Zara... Zara: Well, other than that betraying the entire Twelve Colonies of Man thing... Baltar: Well, yes, except for that. Zara: So what are you suggesting? Baltar: I could show you the ropes here. Introduce you around. Let people know you're not someone to be trifled with. I could...be your confidante. We could...talk. And ultimately, I could give you the exclusive of a lifetime - that would make the rest forget there ever was such a person as Serina - except as someone who had to get herself killed by Cylons to get out of the way when your career took off like the shooting star it was meant to be... Zara: (Beginning to smile.) Count Baltar, I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Let's talk... Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "Hey, has anybody seen Athena?" ~ ~ ~ ~ > Baltar: I'm actually Cain's illegitimate half-brother - do you think I got any respect?< No respect. No respect. What's a'matter Baltar Rodney? "Ah, it's like I can't get no respect." Robert ~~~~ Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 25 Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 All right! I'm finally getting messages from the list again, after a quiet weekend... --Sharon "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 25 Scene: The O Club, where an assortment of warriors and other personnel are celebrating the liberation of the Galactica, the removal of Boxey, and Zara's incarceration - they all despised her, after all, because of her rotten interviewing style, and the way she talked about Starbuck when he was charged with murder, and her sneaky way of showing up in the men's turboshowers while trying to get exclusives -- although a lot of women in the fleet did appreciate some of her interviews for just that reason. At one table, several of them talk. Diedre: Do you remember the time she was trying to interview Apollo about Count Iblis's rescue, and caught him changing after the Triad game? Female Pilot chorus: Sigh...the sweat... Brie: And the time she caught Blue Squadron having a towel-flicking contest in the turboshowers? Female Pilot chorus: Sigh...the wet... Sorrell: And the time she snuck into the uniform chamber on the laundry ship, and broadcast the new young male pilot being fitted for a g-suit? Female Pilot chorus: Sigh...the cadet... Gemi: And the time she caught Starbuck and Cassie up in the observation dome? Female Pilot chorus: Ooooohhhh! Marabella: What I learned then, saved my marriage... Female Pilot chorus: Aaahhhh! The men are clustered at another table. Apollo: (Raising a toast.) To another danger met - and overcome! The children are gone! Male Pilot chorus: Hurray! Giles: And we didn't have to give up our mushies! Male Pilot chorus: Hurray! Bojay: Now, if we only had some mushies... Male Pilot chorus: Sigh... Apollo: Don't worry, Commander Adama will figure out what happened to Belloby's shipment of mushies. Greenbean: But when? How long are we supposed to continue to maintain our morale, uphold our high moral standard, and defend life, liberty, and the Colonial way, when we have no mushies? Apollo: We know they're somewhere on this battlestar - there's nowhere else they could have been taken, since they were still on the shuttle when it landed here, and the mushies vanished somewhere between Siress Belloby getting off, and Reese going aboard. What other possibility is there? Greenbean: I suppose... Apollo: Boomer, you don't look like you're celebrating. Boomer: (Looking around, distracted, from his untouched ale.) Hey, has anybody seen Athena? The men look over at the women's table. Bojay: No, I don't see her. Maybe she's on duty? Boomer: No, I checked the bridge...she left her duty station before Belloby arrived. I checked her quarters too; her roommate said she hadn't been there. Apollo: She'll show up. She always does. Boomer: Aren't you just a little bit concerned, Apollo? After all, she is your sister... Apollo: (Winking.) Well, Starbuck's not here either... (At Boomer's glare, he quickly cuts off the comment.) Oh, that's right... You and she... Uh, yeah. I suppose I could be concerned...I could try really hard... All are distracted by a raucous call from the door - the arrival of Belloby and Omega. Belloby: Hi, boys and girls! Bartender, fill those mugs, set out more pretzels, turn up the karaoke machine - this is a party, and I'm buying! With cheers and whistles and another round of ambrosa, all concerns and fears are forgotten - except for deciding who gets to be the first to belt out "Feelings" and "YMCA" (*Young Macho Cobolian Association -- alternate spelling). Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Rigel say, "Colonel, we've got a problem." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 26 Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 26 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Tigh: Ahh, I love these evening centars when Adama's off recording his journal and spending time with his grandson. Bridge Crewman #1: But the grandson's gone now, thank the Lords. Tigh: True, but he's still recording his journal. And he has to avoid Siress Belloby, which I think will keep him in his quarters, with the door locked, not answering his page. Hmm, I wonder if she's ever going to let us have Omega back. He'll be a hard man to replace. Bridge Crewman #1: That's what she says, too, from what I hear. Tigh: Oh, well, consider the alternative. She'd be back on the prowl. All male bridge crew members shudder involuntarily and look like they're ready to duck under their consoles. Rigel enters the bridge and steps close to Tigh, looking disturbed. Rigel: Colonel, we've got a problem. A serious problem. Tigh: Is it a Cylon attack? Rigel: No. Tigh: Has our mushie supply been cut off? Rigel: No. Tigh: (Involuntarily shuddering.) Are Jolly and Cassie bringing back the kids? Rigel: No. Tigh: What is it? Rigel: Athena's missing. Tigh: (Glancing toward closet.) We know that. We made her that way. Rigel: No, I mean, she's missing. After Boomer called, looking for her, I went to check the closet. She isn't there. Tigh: Do you think she escaped? Rigel: I don't know how. The bridge crew are pretty experienced maypole ribbon twiners, after all - Jolly and Cassie's kids learned from them. Tigh: So someone must have helped her... Rigel: Wouldn't we have seen if someone had come out of the closet? Tigh: True. That only leaves the sanitation crew... Rigel: If they release her, and she gets to the Commander... Tigh: Concealing mushies, Kobolian mummy twining, locking her in the closet... We'll all be in trouble...but only if he believes her! Rigel: She's his daughter. Why wouldn't he? Tigh: (Leaning on the railing, thinking fast.) If she'd been freed, she'd already be here, with security. She must have been kidnapped. Rigel: (Gasping.) What'll we do? Tigh: (Glancing around.) We've got to find her. Before anyone else does. Rigel: But...but...if she's gone, we don't have to worry, do we? Tigh: I watched that young woman grow up. She's my best friend's daughter. What's that beside a few smuggled mushies? Rigel: Speak for yourself, Colonel! Tigh: (As if she hadn't spoken) And we've got to have somebody we can trust. Rigel, get me...Croft. Rigel: He's now in charge of the prison barge! Tigh: True. He knows every scumbag, black market privateer, and property fence there is - which means he knows every connection in the fleet. If anybody can find Athena, he can. Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Athena say, "But I don't know how to fox trot." --------- > Tigh: (Glancing toward closet.) We know that. We made her that way. Adama interview Tigh for the post of Second In Command on the Galactica. Adama: "Do you have any skeletons in your closet?" Tigh: Skeletons? Ah, Skeletons in the closet, sir? Why, ah, no. No skeletons at all in the closet. Adama: Not a single one? Tigh: No, sir. I know there are no bones to pick in my closet. Adama: What mistakes have you made in the past? How did you correct them and what did you learn from then? Tigh: GULP! Mistakes? Me? I, um, am a perfect officer, sir. No mistakes. No skel-takes. I mean no Mis-eletons. Ah, No skeletons. No mistkaes. Adama: Tigh!!! No Skeletons? I am appalled by your lying. You didn't even have it perfected. What do you call these? Tigh: Living people, sir? Not dead skeletons. Adama: And who pray tell are these yellow wrapped Kobolian mummies? Sharon knows. Robert --------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 27 Date: Thurs, 22 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 27 Scene: The Rising Star, in the most exclusive and luxurious salons of Uri's gambling chancery, dance hall, and shopping mall, where Sire Uri is lolling comfortably on his Roman-style couch, enjoying treats from a tray of mushies and a chalice of the finest ambrosa - the real stuff, pre-Destruction, not the 2-centar-old stuff they're palming off in the O Club. Two of his muscle-bound oafs enter, carrying a large, rolled up carpet. Uri: (Disinterested.) And what have we here that has you interrupting my afternoon rest? Muscle-bound Oaf #1: A special treat from the Galactica, Sire. Uri: (Interested.) Oh? The two turn and set down the carpet, and then unroll it. Unrolled at Uri's feet, is Athena, still wrapped like a Kobolian mummy, mumbling and wriggling and kicking her feet. Uri: Why, that's Commander Adama's daughter! Where did you get her? Muscle-bound Oaf #1: From the Galactica, Sire, like we told you. Uri: (With exaggerated slowness.) But how did you get her from the Galactica? Muscle-bound Oaf #1: One of our usual contacts in the sanitation crew found her. Uri: And how did he find her? Muscle-bound Oaf #1: He said he opened the door and there she was. Uri: Huh? Muscle-bound Oaf #1: Yeah. That's what I said. Uri: (Sighing deeply, and speaking even more slowly.) What door? Muscle-bound Oaf #1: Oh! The closet door. Uri: (Giving up on getting an answer from his muscle-bound oafs, and deciding he might as well talk to Athena.) Well, untwine her. Muscle-bound Oaf #1: Right, Sire. (The two muscle-bound oafs untwine Athena. Finally freed of the maypole ribbons, Athena jumps to her feet.) Uri: Hmm, not bad! Quick movements, that's good. Now, let's see this vixen do a little fox trot. Athena: I grew up in Caprica City! I don't know how a fox trots! Uri: No, I mean dance! Can you dance, Athena? Athena: Well, of course I can dance - I attended cotillion. But what's dancing got to do with vulpines? Uri: (Sighing heavily.) Athena, do you know why you're here? Athena: I don't care why I'm here. At least I'm out of the closet! Uri: The closet! You mean it's true what they whisper about the women's billet? You have...special friends there? Hmm, and all those stories about Starbuck and you - they weren't true? Athena: What kind of stories? What kind of whispers? Uri: Well...the bedtime kind... Athena: (Laughing) If you think Starbuck ever read to me, you're crazy! Uri: (Raising eyebrows at his muscle-bound oafs.) Are all commander's daughters this stupid? Muscle-bound Oaf #2: (Proudly.) No, just naive. They're not like us. Uri: Hmph! Good thing, too. Well, until she learns to dance, she's not much use to me. Muscle-bound Oaf #2: (Under his breath to #1.) Not much use? This babe? And he thinks we're dumb...? Uri: Take her away! And get her something to wear besides that uniform! Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "I'm making you an offer you can't refuse." ------------ > Muscle-bound Oaf #2: (Under his breath to #1.) Not much use? This babe? And he thinks we're dumb...? >Uri: Take her away! And get her something to wear besides that uniform! Now this will be great to see. Two muscle bound oafs trying to have Athena change clothes. Who picks the clothing? Tweedle Dee or Tweedle Dumb? What happens when she comes out of the dressing room and throws the non-matching, outlandishly colored clothes in their faces? Tweedle Dee: "The colors look good to me." Tweedle Dumb: "You don't mix Purple with Orange you Oaf. Those are for Purple and Orange Squadrons. She's in Yellow and Green Squadrons." Tweedle Dee: "But we don't have yellow and green clothes." Tweedle Dumb: "Well, use Lilac and Blue." Robert ----------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 28 Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2001 "This is Newscaster Koppel, breaking in to be the first with this late-breaking news from the Galactica. It appears that Captain Apollo, Commander Adama's only surviving child, is missing. More details as they become available after this dramatic episode of IFB's longest ongoing serial, now at the memorable four-secton mark! Oh, wait, Apollo's not missing? He's not Adama's only surviving child? It's not Apollo? Then who's missing? Is anybody missing? Will someone please get the facts straight before they show up on the videoprompter?!" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 28 Scene: The Galactica landing bay - not the torched one, the other one - where a very cynical but at least not scruffy-looking Croft has just disembarked from a shuttle. Apollo and Boomer enter the bay and quickly join him. Apollo: Croft, what are you doing here? Croft: Colonel Tigh summoned me. And when Colonel Tigh speaks, people listen. Apollo: They do? Oh, uh, yeah, they do, he's a colonel, of course... So what does he want? Croft: Beats me. I haven't talked to him yet. What are you doing here? Apollo and Boomer exchange glances. Boomer: We're searching for Athena. Croft: (To Apollo.) Your sister? Apollo: Yeah. Croft: Why? Apollo: Because she's missing. And we miss her. Croft: (With a cynical smile.) People really do that? Apollo: (Affronted.) Yes, they do. Boomer: And some of us lov...uh, really like her a lot and think we might have deep feelings for her. Croft: (Raising a disbelieving eyebrow.) Hey, I've met her, remember? And that was after you told me all about your childhood and your siblings in that long flight back from Arcta, Apollo - remember? Or were you too maudlin to stand yourself? Boomer: Is that question up to a vote? Apollo: (Interrupting.) No! Oh, look, there's Colonel Tigh. Colonel Tigh enters the bay, and joins our intrepid heroes. Okay, so he joins Apollo, Boomer, and Croft, and the intrepid heroes keep going... Tigh: Croft. Croft: Tigh. So whaddaya want? Tigh: (Glancing at Apollo and Boomer.) I'm sure you've heard by now that Athena's missing. Croft: If they weren't broadcasting it all over IFB, I'd still know about it from these two. Tigh: (Another glance at Apollo and Boomer.) Yes... Well, we need you to find her. Croft: Why me? After that mission on Arcta, Adama put me in charge of the prison barge. After Baltar's attempted escape, which he held me personally responsible for, he threatened that I was going to rot there. Some rank reinstatement, putting a former prisoner in charge of the prison barge! Tigh: I've spoken with Commander Adama about the situation. I'm authorized to make you an offer you can't refuse, if you find Athena and bring her back safely. Croft: Oh, yeah? Tigh: Yeah. Croft: (After a moment of silence.) Well, what is it? Tigh: Oh, you want to know what it is... He's willing to have you transferred off the prison barge. Forever. You'll never have to go back. Croft: (Disillusionment and cynicism falling away into wonder.) Really? Tigh: Really. Croft: Hot diggity dawg! I'm your man, Tigh! I'll find the missing miss! Woo-hoo! Croft bounds off into the shuttle. Tigh looks at Apollo and Boomer. Tigh: (Pointedly.) He could probably use some help. Apollo and Boomer: Oh! Apollo and Boomer join Croft on the shuttle, which launches. Tigh: (Watching them go, looking mystified.) Well, I have no idea where they're going to start...but at least this saves me from having to tell Croft the truth...that he was going from the prison barge to the Jolly and Cassie ship, no matter what. Adama still hasn't forgiven him for that Baltar incident... (Shudders and turns to leave the bay.) Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Chameleon say, "And a one, and a two..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 29 Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2001 Hey, it's after midnight! That means it's another day! And that means that yes, once again, it's time for... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" -- Episode 29 Scene: Sire Uri's private casino/dance club on the Rising Star, with lights, music, food, beverages, and lots of well-dressed and elegant Sires and Siresses. In the midst of the crowd, Chameleon is dancing with a lovely red-haired Siress. Starbuck is standing on the sidelines, checking his wrist chronometer on a regular basis. Finally, he walks up to Chameleon and taps him on the shoulder. Starbuck: Uh, Chameleon, shouldn't we be heading back to the Galactica? I was due back for patrol yesterday. Chameleon: (Still dancing.) Not just yet, Starbuck, my boy. Aren't you having fun? Starbuck: Well, yes, but Apollo's gonna have a fit - and the Commander will probably space me for being AWOL! Chameleon: (Shrugging.) Since you're already likely to be in trouble, why hurry back to face it? In for a cubit, in for a kilocubit. Besides, we still owe Sire Uri a few more centars. Starbuck: Is this how you always wind up paying off your gambling debt to him? Serving as escort in his lounge for a day or two? Chameleon: Uhm-hmm. That, and dancing instructor. It can be a lot of fun, Starbuck, if you know when and how much to lose. (He winks, then smiles fondly at his lady companion, who waves Starbuck off as they rumba into the crowd.) Starbuck: If you say so... (Shrugs, then finds a table with a solitary Siress, and orders the waiter to bring two drinks.) Chameleon: (To his companion.) You dance wonderfully - you don't need lessons at all! Siress Ginger: I know. I just wanted to meet you. Chameleon: Really? Now why would such a charming Siress as yourself be interested in meeting me? Siress Ginger: Because I work for Colonial Security, and we want you to turn Fleet's evidence against Sire Uri and put him out of business. Chameleon: But...but...that would mean I'd have to give up this... Siress Ginger: Yes, you would. You could be free of Uri's control. You'd never owe him cubits again from his seamy crooked gambling. You'd never have to serve as escort and dance instructor again. Well? Chameleon: I'll have to think about it... Chameleon gestures to Uri's personal security muscle-bound oafs, who promptly begin to escort the Siress out, despite her protests. When she doth protest too much, one of them slings her over his shoulder and carries her. Meanwhile, Uri himself has entered, with a somewhat reluctant Athena on his arm. Athena is no longer wearing her uniform and boots, but instead a gown that's slinky, white, and glittery, slit up to here and down to there, and backless (which of course won't be seen until she turns around) and high strappy heels. Uri: Chameleon! Come here. Chameleon promptly joins them. Uri: This young lady needs dance lessons. Chameleon: (Doing a double take.) She does? But this-- Uri: (Impatiently.) You still owe me six hundred cubits, Chameleon. Now, see to her. (He hands over Athena and leaves.) Chameleon: Aren't you Athena, Commander Adama's daughter, a bridge officer on the Galactica, and one of Lt. Starbuck's former ladyfriends? Athena: Why, yes, I am. How kind of you to remember. Chameleon: What are you doing here? Athena: (Sulky.) Sire Uri wants me to learn how a fox trots. What do I care? There aren't any left anyway, since the Colonies were destroyed. Chameleon: Oh...uh...well...you're probably right... How about if I teach you how to dance instead? Athena: (Cheering up.) I'd like that! I used to love it, but I haven't been dancing in yahrens - Starbuck didn't know how, he kept stepping on my toes until I gave up asking him to. I swear, I've probably forgotten everything I learned at cotillion! Chameleon: (Doing a double-take at the table where Starbuck is charming a Siress.) Starbuck can't dance? My s...special friend can't dance? That can't be possible! Athena: No, it's true! Starbuck can't dance. Chameleon: (As if to himself.) Lords of Kobol... No s...special friend of mine couldn't dance. What if Starbuck's not really my s...special friend? What if...? (Shakes himself back to reality.) All right, Athena, let's dance. We'll start with some simple steps, and see what you remember. And a one, and a two... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Siress Amanda say, "Is that a mummified Kobolian in your pocket -- or is someone just happy to see me?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 30 Date: Sun, 25 Mar 2001 Heh-heh -- it may be Sunday, but you're not getting out of it...and neither is Starbuck... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" -- Episode 30 Scene: Uri's private chancery/dance hall on the Rising Star, where Starbuck has just sat down with the beauteous and thoroughly stacked Siress Amanda, and ordered beverages. Starbuck: Hi. Mind if I join you? Amanda: (Sultry.) Not at all. I'd enjoy the company. Starbuck: I think I will, too. My name's Starbuck. Amanda: I'm Siress Amanda. (Her eyes sweep over him.) Is that a mummified Kobolian in your pocket - or is someone just happy to see me? Starbuck: (Pulling a fumarello out of his pocket.) It's a mummified Kobolian. Amanda: That's what I thought. (Deftly plucking the fumarello out of his hand and studying the wrapping.) Amazing...they wrap these fumarellos the same way they wrapped our old lords of Kobol back on Kobol. Starbuck: (Romantically, with deep feeling.) One of those significant memorial rituals, a way to remind us all of our past and our culture. And a great metaphor, all things considered... Amanda: (Sniffing the fumarello, eyes closed, fingers lightly caressing it.) Mmm. I didn't think there were any of these left from the Colonies... How'd you get one? Starbuck: (Regretfully.) It's not an original. I have a friend who grows his own, and wraps them this way. Amanda: Ahh. Mind if I share it with you? Starbuck: A woman who knows and appreciates a good fumarello... Why do I get the feeling there's more to you than meets the eye? Amanda: I wouldn't know. Do you think I'm hiding something? Starbuck: (Eyeing her black, close-fitting, low-cut, high-hemmed, mostly fringed gown.) I wouldn't know where. Amanda: Do you like my dress? It's an original from Ganymede of Couturiers of Caprica. Thank Kobol he survived or there'd be no fashion left at all. Starbuck: I know someone who'd love it... Amanda: (Raising her eyebrows insinuatingly.) You really want it? Starbuck: (Flushing.) No, my friend Sheba. She was just mentioning the state of her wardrobe, on the way over...I suspect she'd love to borrow your dress. Amanda: She can't have it. I wouldn't take this dress off for just anybody. But do you always mention other women when you're with other women? Starbuck: (Leaning closer.) Sweetheart, that's one thing I'd never do... Amanda: Good. I'd never want to think I came second in my companion's thoughts. Starbuck: If any man could look at you, smell your perfume, and touch your hair -- and still manage to think of another woman, well, there's something wrong with him...or he's in love. Amanda: Are you in love? Starbuck: I used to think I was. A couple of times. But I got over it. And being here, I know why. I was waiting to meet you. Amanda: Oooh. I like that. Shall we dance? Starbuck: Uh...I don't think so. I'd be embarrassed...let's just sit here and talk and share our drinks, and get to know each other... Amanda: (Laughing heartily and handing back the fumarello.) You'll do! Sire Uri! Put him on the payroll... Starbuck: You work for Sire Uri? Amanda: For the time being. And now, so do you. The Siress shifts elegantly in her chair, stands and walks away with a hipswing that could kill at twenty paces, leaving a discomfitted Starbuck sitting alone with his wrapped mummified Kobolian in his hand. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "Cannibalism? I thought rats on the menu were bad enough!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 31 Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2001 07:40:31 -0600 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 31 Scene: The landing bay of the Jolly and Cassie Ship. Croft, Apollo, and Boomer disembark from a shuttle. Apollo: Croft, tell me again why we're starting our search for Athena here? Croft: Four shuttles left the Galactica between the time that Athena was last seen on the bridge, and the time she was discovered missing. One of those shuttles came here. Apollo: And the others? Croft: One went to the Rising Star, one went to the Bakeryship, and the other didn't report a destination. Boomer: How about the regular intrafleet shuttle routes? Croft: (Decisively.) No. They're monitored too closely - everybody boards in the same place, and the cargo is checked as it's loaded. Boomer: What about the Prison Barge? Croft: Ever since Baltar's escape attempt, the prison barge shuttles are more closely guarded and searched, coming and going. I'm confident Zara got to the PB without Athena. Boomer: Wait a centon - Zara gets peanut butter? Croft: No, she gets the same grid rat menu as the rest of 'em do. Apollo: (Faintly.) There's rats on the menu? I knew there was a protein shortage, but, ugh! Boomer: I'll never complain about the mess hall menu again! Croft: No, we don't serve rat - oh, forget it. Boomer: Ya know, I'm feeling awfully heavy...I didn't eat that much at lunch. Apollo: I know what you mean, Boomer - my laser pistol feels like it weighs a hundred kilos, and I feel like somebody put weights in my boots. Croft: There's something wrong here. Even the air feels heavy... Jolly enters the bay, two very unrepentant-looking children following mutinously behind. Jolly: (Panting slightly.) All right, #98, #666, what did you do with the gravity controls? Each child points at the other. Apollo: Hi, Jolly! (Eyes the kids.) What's the problem? Jolly: (As severely as he's capable of.) One or the other of these two broke into the ship's gravity controls to cannibalize parts for a new Muffit! Boomer: Cannibalism? And I thought rats on the menu were bad enough! When did this become Soylent Green? Jolly: No, Ensign Soylent transferred to the Pegasus. Apollo: Did the kids succeed? Jolly: In making Muffits? No, fortunately, we were able to stop them in time. Now we just need to get the gravity back to Colonial Standard. Now, I know one of you did it... Confess now, or there'll be no mushies for anybody for dessert tonight. Child #666: (Slowly raises his hand.) It was me... Child #98: I told you it wasn't me! Jolly: Go ahead, #98. Now, #666, you go fix those controls! And no making Muffits! Child #666: Okay, Papa Jo... Child #98: I'll help. Jolly: That's good of you, #98. Go ahead now, boys. The two boys head for a control panel at the side of the bay. Child #98: I'm not really a number, you know. My real name's Calvin - but I go by Spif. Child #666: I have a real name too! My name's Damian! Mom -- her name was Rosemary -- used to say I should go by Dreadful Omen of the Impending End of the Colonies in Holocaust and Destruction, but that didn't fit on my stylus box. The boys vanish behind the panel. Boomer: So, Jolly, you still like being a dad? Jolly: (Laughing.) Oh, it's hectic at times, but I wouldn't trade it for all the worlds. The warriors exchange skeptical glances. Jolly: But what brings you all here? I'm sure it's not just to see how paternity's treating me! Croft: Actually, we're looking for a missing commander's daughter. Jolly: Athena? I heard the news. Sorry, haven't seen her here...but we could sure use the help if she wants to babysit. >From somewhere in the background, sounds an ominous cackling laugh, as the lights go out. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Croft say, "All right, Apollo, where were you when Athena was reported missing? ------- >> Jolly: (As severely as he's capable of.) One or the other of these two broke into the ship's gravity controls to cannibalize parts for a new Muffit! Boomer: Cannibalism? And I thought rats on the menu were bad enough! When did this become Soylent Green?<< "On tonight's menu we'll have Batted Rat's mice meat, I mean mince meat, along with Tail of Muffit and anta's favorite Paws Claws. Step right up. Don't rush at all. We have plenty of rats to pick imported over space from all the various ships including the Tauran Bull Rats. Those will certainly make you jump. Olay!" Phinneas Bogg gasped at what he heard. The Voyager's job description never mentioned he'd have to eat appalling meals like that. "Oh, Bat's breath." "Sorry, we have no Can O'Bats tonight. We ran out of those a couple of cycles ago when Vamp Sire was released." Robert ------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 32 Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 32 Scene: The Bakeryship. Croft, Apollo, and Boomer disembark from the shuttle, still on their quest for Athena. Croft: The Jolly and Cassie ship was a dead end. Hopefully we'll have better luck here. Boomer: (Shuddering.) I'm glad we got off when we did - things were starting to spin in that bay, and I swear the floor was rippling! Apollo: And I don't think it was from the gravity. Croft: (Unconcerned.) Oh, I'm sure Jolly will soon have it all under control. They hear a shout, and look just in time to see Rigel run across the landing deck from her own shuttle, and throw herself into the arms of the Dread Pirate...uh, Captain Robert. Robert: Rigel... Rigel: Robert... Robert: (Deeper voice) Rigel... Rigel: (Fainter voice) Robert... Croft: (Interrupting the tender moment.) Well, I think we can be satisfied that you know each other's names. Both jump, then glare at Croft. Croft: Now, do either of you know what happened to Athena? Rigel: (Guilty.) I haven't seen her since she...uh, left the bridge. With Mac and Buck. And I talked to them, they hadn't seen her since then, either. Croft: Dread Pirate...uh, Captain Robert? Robert: I haven't seen her either. (Smiles significantly at Rigel.) Not since my last personal delivery to the Galactica. Croft: (Raising one eyebrow.) And when was that? Robert: Two sectons ago. Apollo: (Puzzled.) I don't remember you being aboard the Galactica. What were you delivering? Robert: (Smoothly.) I don't remember seeing you either - are you sure you were aboard the Galactica? Apollo: Of course I was. I haven't been off the battlestar in sectons! Rigel: (Helpfully.) You've been out on patrol, Apollo. I know, because I've cleared you for launches and for landing afterward. Apollo: Well, except for that. Robert: So how can you say you haven't been off the battlestar? (Pulling Croft aside.) You might want to check his alibi, Croft. He can't seem to keep his story straight. Croft: I didn't ask him for an alibi. Robert: Maybe you should. Croft: Maybe I will. Robert: But only if you want to. Croft. Well, I want to! Don't tell me who I can suspect and who I can't! Robert: Oh, I wouldn't dream of it! Croft: All right, Apollo, where were you when Athena was reported missing? Apollo: What? Croft: I said - Apollo: I heard you the first time! Don't tell me you suspect me of doing harm to my own sister! Croft: Stop telling me what to do! Just tell me where you were. Apollo: I was in the landing bay, and then in the Officer's Club - Boomer can vouch for me. Croft: Boomer? Boomer: Hmmm... Croft: Well? Apollo: C'mon, Boomer, you know I was. Boomer: I'm trying to recall... Apollo: All right! I'm sorry I told my father that you took that Viper for a joyride, back at the Academy! I apologize! I'll write a formal apology! Tell Croft the truth! Boomer: Well, yeah, Croft, he was. We were both there. Croft: Oh, darn. Awh, that would have been too easy anyway. The jealous sibling in an aristocratic family...doing away with the other beneficiaries of the will...happens all the time. Well, she's not here. On to the next ship... Apollo: There's a will? Boomer: Which ship is that? Croft: We'll know when we get there. Let's go. Rigel and Robert watch them leave. Then Robert slips his arm around Rigel's waist, and they smile conspiratorially at each other. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "I've got a bad feeling about this..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 33 Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 33 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Adama: (Sighing and shaking his head.) I don't know, Tigh. Tigh: Don't know what, Commander? Adama: It's been quiet. Too quiet. For too long. Tigh: Are you concerned that the Cylons will attack at this moment when we're most involved with matters of Fleet-wide urgency? Adama: Well, it wouldn't surprise me, but no, that's not it. Tigh: Are you worried about Athena? Adama: No, I have faith in Croft - he wants reassignment so bad he can taste it. Tigh: The shortage of mushies? Adama: That's a short term problem - Captain Robert will have that solved in a matter of days; we can hold the fleet together that long. Tigh: Then what is it? Adama: It's Belloby. I haven't see her all day. I haven't heard her voice. There hasn't been one complaint from a male crewmen. Tigh: Well, Omega takes his job very seriously, sir, you know that by now. Adama: True. But I'm still uneasy... Tigh: Stop worrying, Adama, it sounds like everything's going well. Adama: (With foreboding.) Too well. I've got a bad feeling about this... Belloby enters the bridge. Several crewmen duck behind their consoles, and remain there, quivering in abject terror. Tigh: Speak of the devil... Adama: Don't bring Iblis into this, we're in enough trouble. Belloby: Adama! Adama: Uh, yes, Siress Belloby? What can we do for you. Tigh: Whaddaya mean we? Adama grips Tigh's shoulder and won't let go, despite several efforts to squirm away or duck behind the commander. Belloby: Adama, I want to know what's going on with my mushie search, and I want to know now! Adama: Why, Belloby, hasn't Omega been keeping you up to date? Belloby: (Smirking.) Well, he's been keeping me up, but not about the mushies. So give, Adama. Or else. Tigh: (Muttering.) Or else what? What worse can she do? Adama: (Also muttering.) You don't want to know. (To Belloby.) We're continuing to exhaust every effort, Belloby, I assure you. We've got our best people on it. Belloby: Oh? Like who? Adama glances hastily at Tigh. Tigh: We've got Apollo and Boomer on it - and Croft. If the three of them can't find those mushies, nobody can! Belloby: I thought they were looking for Athena. Adama: (Muttering again.) I thought she wasn't up to date on things. Tigh: (Improvising quickly.) That's just their cover story. She's secretly gone undercover as a missing person, and they're pretending to look for her while all four of them are actually seeking out the mushie marauder. Then, they'll all close in on the sweet thief, and bring him or her or them to justice - and liberate your mushies. Belloby: (Impressed.) Wow. I'm impressed. That's a good plan. How'd you think of it? Tigh: (Modestly.) Well, I... Hey! What do you mean by that? Belloby: (Waving him off.) Never mind. All right, Adama, I'll buy that story - and I'll give you another twenty-four centars. Then...I want my mushies back. For now, I think I'll go see if my Alpha Omega feels up to another visit to the O Club...or something else. (Grinning lecherously, she departs the bridge.) Tigh: Twenty-four centars! Adama, what'll we do? Adama: We, Tigh? You're the one who told her we had a plan - it's your problem! In fact, that's a good idea! It is your problem -- especially since the people supposedly on it, aren't on the Galactica. Tigh, find those mushies. Or else face the consequences. Tigh stares at the door through which Belloby departed, contemplating the dire consequences. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Reese say, "Could you see your way clear to giving me just one more chance?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 34 Date: Thu, 29 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 34 Scene: A corridor of the Galactica. Sheba and Bojay have just returned from patrol - yes, somebody is actually flying patrols - as Tigh approaches. Tigh: Ah, just the warriors I wanted to see. Bojay: Oh-oh, when Apollo says that, it means trouble... Sheba: This is probably where he learned it. Tigh: I note you're back from patrol. Sheba: (Cautiously.) Yeah, we're back... Tigh: Good. Then you're available for another mission. Sheba: But...but...don't we get a break? Tigh: Sorry. There's no one else. Sheba: What about Starbuck? Tigh: Starbuck's still missing on the Rising Star. Bojay: What about Apollo and Boomer? Tigh: Apollo and Boomer are still looking for Athena, with Croft. Sheba: Isn't Jolly due back some day soon? Tigh: Jolly's still on paternity leave - by the time he uses up his Council-mandated paternity leave for adopting eighteen hundred kids, he'll be two hundred yahrens old! Bojay: There's gotta be somebody else from Blue Squadron! Tigh: Giles, Diedre, Greenbean, Brie, and the rest of Blue Squadron are still recovering from the party that Belloby threw. That means you. Sheba: (Griping.) How about Red Squadron? Or Silver Spar Squadron? They haven't had a mission in sectars! Tigh: That's the problem. Nobody from either squadron remembers the way to the launch bay. Sheba: Likely story! They can still find the O Club. Bojay: I shoulda stayed in Silver Spar... Tigh: Too late now. Here's the mission. I'm sending you both to the Jolly and Cassie Ship to interview Boxey. He may have more information than he's telling us about that hijacking. After all, members of his KLF were in the bay just before the mushies were discovered missing. Bojay: But he was found innocent of hi-jacking mushies! Tigh: I don't believe it. Not for a micron. And just because he wasn't an active participant, doesn't mean some of his cohorts weren't involved. Sheba: But...the Jolly and Cassie Ship? Do we have to? Tigh: Yes. It's an order. Unless you want me to order the kids brought back here...? Bojay: (Alarmed.) No! Not again! I'll have a breakdown... Tigh: Well, do that on your own time. For now, get over to that ship and bring me some answers! Oh, and if you happen to find out what happened to Athena, tell me that, too. And I've noticed that Starbuck's been missing for a couple of days now - keep an eye out for him as well. Tigh strides away. Bojay and Sheba stare at each other. Sheba: We both know what happened the last time we had contact with those children. Bojay: I'll space myself again, I swear I will. Sheba: And if I know Boxey, he'll find a way to bring up his mother, and make a comparison that I won't like... (Reese joins them) Reese: (Throwing himself piteously to his knees in front of Sheba.) Sheba, I'm begging you. I'm desperate. I don't care if you're not Cain's daughter. I still love you. I can't live without you - could you see your way clear to giving me just one more chance? Sheba and Bojay glance at each other, then smile. Sheba: As a matter of fact, Reese, maybe I can...if you do something for me... Reese: Anything! I'll do anything to win back your love and affection and those hot, wild nights in the Celestial chamber! Sheba: Come with us to the Jolly and Cassie ship to question some of the children about the missing mushies. Reese: Anything except that. Bye! Sheba: But you said you'd do anything! Reese: Hey, I'm not stupid! Bojay: Says who? (Getting Reese in a headlock.) You said you'd do anything for Sheba, and I'm holding you to it! Reese: (Miserable and barely breathing from Bojay's grip on his throat.) All right! I'll do it! Let me breathe! Bojay: All right, I'll let you go...but don't even think about trying to run away. We're on a mission from God. Sheba: No, it was from Tigh. Bojay: Same thing. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "I've got a weapon and I'm not afraid to use it." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 35 Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2001 "This is newscaster Koppel of IFB, with an update on the recent rash of eerie happenings throughout the Fleet, which seem to have commenced with the suspicious and as yet unsolved hi-jacking of a shipment of mushies, followed by a series of unexplained disappearances. The Commander and the Council are asking for calm; the mushies will be found, and the uncanny situations will be dealt with, as they have been dealt with before. To help you deal with your own undoubted panic at hearing this dubious reassurance, please watch and enjoy this new episode of IFB's longest running serial, now at the previously unheard of five-secton mark!" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 35 Scene: The landing bay of the Jolly and Cassie Ship. The lights are a dim red with an occasional strobe flash. The walls and girders drip variously colored icky stuff. Puddles of said icky stuff are scattered across the floor - some are bubbling with vapors coming off. Green stuff seems to be growing around other girders, spreading across the ceiling. A red-glowing-eyed Muffit with spinning ears and a 360-degree-turning head slowly crosses the bay, growling deep in its mechanical throat. In the midst of this, a shuttle lands. Sheba, Bojay, and Reese disembark. Bojay: (Watching Muffit, in horror.) Forget it! (Dives back into shuttle.) Sheba: Bojay, come back here! What a coward. He spaced himself rather than face the kids, now he can't face...the lair of the kids. At least you haven't abandoned me, Reese. Reese: Only because my feet are stuck to the deck. What is this stuff, anyway? Sheba: I don't know, but it's icky. Reese: It's sticky, too. From all around them come eerie, uncanny, weird, unusual, frightening, and totally disturbing sounds, screams, clanks, sighs, whispers, and mutters, along with the sounds of dragging chains, wind in barren treetops, and footsteps. Reese: What's happening in this place? It's like Carillon...without the fun. They hear an ominous snicker. Sheba: (Whipping out her laser.) I've got a weapon and I'm not afraid to use it. Whoever you are, show yourself! Damian, formerly known as Child #666: (Showing himself - no, on second thought, he just steps out from behind a girder.) So? I've got a brain and I'm not afraid to use it - which of us is ahead? Reese: Careful, Sheba, that's a trick question! Sheba: I can handle it. (To Damian.) Sounds like you are, kid. Now, make the daggit stop whirling! Damian/#666: Okay. Muffey, stop whirling! Freeze! The mechanical daggit freezes in its tracks. Icicles begin to drip from its ears and nose. Sheba: Double ick. Cassie enters the bay, looking like something out of Bride of Frankenstein. Sheba: Cassie! What happened to you?! Cassie: Nothing. Damian, you know where you should be... Damian/#666: Come on, Muffit. The mechanical daggit follows the boy out of the bay. Sheba: (Gasping.) You gave him a name? I thought you weren't giving any of the children names! Cassie: We changed our minds. Boxey presented his arguments about there being no reason why they couldn't use their prior names, despite our having adopted them, and that in any event, he refused to be known as Child #1801. So...we let them all take back their names! Sheba: Cassie, please, tell us what happened? The bay, it's...it's...horrible! Cassie: We're having a party. The children wanted a scarey video theme party. Sheba: You mean this is all- Cassie: Just decorations, Sheba. Get a grip. You're supposed to be the brave commander's daughter, after all, aren't you? Sheba: Actually, no, I'm not, I'm Chameleon's daughter. But that reminds me, I'm here on a mission. We're here to ask questions about the missing mushies. Cassie: You're Chameleon's daughter? Lords of Kobol, that makes you... Never mind, I said I wouldn't say anything... The missing mushies, huh? Well, you're in the wrong place. We get all our mushies directly from the Bakeryship, personally delivered by Captain Robert or the Chief Chef himself, the one and only one. Sheba: I'm supposed to talk directly to Boxey... Cassie: If you really want to, I can call him. Sheba: Oh, no, I'll take your word for it. Well, we'll let you get back to your party. Come on, Reese. Sheba re-enters shuttle. Cassie turns to go back to the party. Reese is left standing alone, stuck to the floor full of gooey, sticky, icky stuff as thoroughly as if with day-old spilled cola and pre-chewed gum from under your seat in a theater. Reese: Sheba, don't leave without me! I can't get unstuck! Help! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." -------- >new episode of IFB's longest running serial, now at the previously unheard of five-secton mark!" WOW!!! Has it really been that long?!?!? Hmmm. There's 7 days in a week. This has faithfully been posted at one a day + vitamins. Episode 35 at 7 days a week is 35 / 7. 7 into 3. 7 doesn't fit into 3. We'll put that to the side. 7 into 5. 7 does not go into 5 either. If we put the 3 and the 5 together, that's 8. 7 goes into 8 once. That gives us a 1 with 1 left. We take that 1 left, subtract it from the number we started with, 8. 1 from 8 is 7. 7 guzinta 7 1 time leaving 0. So we put the 0 left together with the 1 left from before (the 7 into 8 math). 1 and 0 is 10. We had to do the math 2 times to get 10. So 10/2 = 5. There's our answer. WOW!!! This story has been on the roll for 5 weeks! Holy Typewriters! Robert -------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 36 Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 36 Scene: The Jolly and Cassie ship, where Reese is still stuck to the deck in the middle of a bay full of spooky stuff that Cassie claims is just for a children's party. Of course, Cassie now looks like the Bride of Frankenstein, so her word may be a bit suspect. Reese: (Piteously.) Help! I'm stuck to the deck! Sheba: (From shuttle hatch.) What do you expect me to do about it? Reese: Well, getting me loose would be a start! Sheba: Oh, stop whining, Reese. Reese: But I thought that was something we had in common! As Sheba moves to help him, something green creeps, grows, or otherwise moves across the floor and wraps itself around Reese's ankles in the finest Sci fi or horror movie tradition. Reese: (Shrieking.) Shriek! Sheba: What is it this time? Reese: The deck is alive. Sheba: (Staring at the moving/growing/creeping green stuff.) Oh-oh. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. Reese: Kansas? When did we get to the Kansas? I thought we were on the Jolly and Cassie ship? Wasn't the Kansas lost? Sheba: Yes, I forgot, the Kansas went past the point of no return. Another mystery... (Tugs at Reese's boot.) Sorry, Reese, you don't seem to be going anywhere. Reese: Oh-oh. Sheba. It's not the end of the universe, Reese - just take off your boots. Reese: No, I just noticed that the stuff is growing around your boots too. Sheba: Oh-oh! Bojay: (Yelling from hatch.) Sheba, we're getting some odd scanner readings... Sheba: What kind of readings? And make it quick... (Struggles vainly to pull herself free of the twining green strands of plants with apparently malevolent intent.) Bojay: Oh-oh, they say the bay is being overwhelmed by algae. Sheba: Algae! But that's an aquatic species! There's no water in the bay! These can't be algae! Bojay: Hey, I'm just telling you what the instruments tell me. Don't blame me if they're giving faulty readings! Sheba: Look again! That can't be right! Run some diagnostics! But first, get a laser out here to cut us free! Bojay: Why can't you use yours? Sheba: Oh, right, I've got a laser. (Checking.) Uh, something seems to have grown around my holster. Reese: I think it likes your legs. I'm not surprised. I do, too. Sheba: Reese, only you would try to compliment a girl when we're standing here being slowly twined like Kobolian mummies by something alive and green that can't possibly be algae. Well, only you, and Starbuck. Maybe Greenbean. And I think Giles is learning too... Reese: Maybe it's kelp... Sheba: It can't be kelp either! There's no water! Bojay: (Pointing.) Look out! (Dives back into shuttle and slams hatch. Not him, the door.) Sheba and Reese gasp and whine in horror at the sight of a wall of water spilling out of the nearest corridor, heading straight for them, towering over their heads... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Reese say, "First Kansas, now the Poseidon adventure-!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 37 Date: Sun, 01 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 37 Scene: A wave of water descends upon Sheba and Reese, who are stuck to the floor of the landing bay of the Jolly and Cassie ship. They are picked up from the deck and washed against the side of the shuttle, where they cling for dear life as the wave continues past them, spreading over the bay and falling off the edge in a magnificent if slightly warped and meandering waterfall. (Yes, it goes through the force screen and it does fall down, ultimately. So what if it's not scientifically accurate. Neither was Galactica. Neither are backpack-sized mass spectrometers without a power cord and no other discernible power source in the middle of the Amazon jungle. Which is apropos of nothing relevant here.) What's left behind are a very soaked Colonial warrior and an equally soaked Council security officer. Sheba: (Standing and wringing water out of her hair.) This ship is getting very weird. How can you have a flood in space? Reese: (Squishing his way back to his feet.) First Kansas, now the Poseidon adventure... I can see why Bojay spaced himself rather than come here. Sheba: The Poseidon was destroyed at Cimtar. But at least you're not stuck to the floor anymore. The wave washed away the sticky stuff and the gooey gunk and that twiney algae, too. Reese: Maybe - but I think my uniform's shrinking. Things are starting to feel a little...tight. And I'm chafing. Sheba: Never mind that. What happened? Where did that flood come from? The creature from the Black Lagoon enters the bay, trudging across the deck, going squish, squish as he approaches with silent menace. Sheba and Reese together: Shriek! Jolly: (Removing head of water creature costume and tucking it under his arm.) Dennis, go back to the party. (Child # 250, a/k/a Dennis, leaves the bay, turbo-slingshot sticking out of his back pocket.) Sorry about that, Sheba. The kids wanted a swimming pool for the party, but I'm afraid the transparent aluminum just wasn't sealed well enough - and when it gave, it really gave! We'll be mopping up water for a secton! Sheba: (Glaring through her wet hair.) Jolly, you've turned into a complete idiot since you became a father. That could explain Apollo, though. I wish I'd known him before he met Boxey and that newscaster. Does fatherhood do this to every man? Jolly: (Completely unphased.) As far as I can tell. Except for Commander Cain, of course - nothing ever changed him. Sheba: (Shocked at this further evidence that Cain isn't her daddy.) You had to say that, didn't you? (Bursts into tears.) Reese: Names of their own? A theme party? Costumed adults? A swimming pool? Mushies for dessert? What are you doing to these kids? Jolly: Making up for lost time. Reese: Or lost minds? Jolly: I never did like you, Reese. Reese: I never liked you either! You or Apollo or Starbuck or any of you warriors! Jolly: I thought you liked Sheba. Reese: It had nothing to do with her being a warrior! Sheba: That's enough! I've had enough! We're leaving! Good bye, Jolly! Jolly: (Still unphased.) I'll get back to the party, then. Bye! Replacing his head, Jolly squish-squishes his way back out of the bay. Reese: Why, that-- Sheba: Just tell Bojay to let us in the shuttle - we're getting out of here! Reese: (Knocking on shuttle hatch. No, the door, I told you that already!) Anybody home? Bojay: (Through door.) I'm not coming out, so stop knocking! Reese: Let us in! Bojay: (Through door.) Not until the water goes away! Reese: But it went away! It fell over the edge and down into space! Bojay: (Through door.) I don't believe you! That can't happen, it's scientifically impossible! Sheba: Will you believe me? The hatch opens, and Bojay cautiously sticks his head out to look around. Bojay: Wow. I'm impressed. They cleaned the bay. Sheba: No more looking around. We're getting out of here - now! Sheba and Reese hastily board, and the hatch closes. (Oh, forget it...) The shuttle launches. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Siress Tinia say, "Commander Adama, that is unacceptable." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 38 Date: Mon, 02 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 38 Scene: The Council chamber aboard the Galactica, where the full Council is about to meet. All councilors are present except for Adama. Melbrook: Fellow councilors, as you all know, the Fleet is faced with a very serious situation. One which, if not dealt with, could cost us all a great deal - including our cushie Council jobs in the forthcoming election! Domra: Sire Melbrook? Melbrook: Yes, Sire Dumra? Domra: That's DOM-ra, not DUM-ra. Melbrook: The Council notes that it is DOM-ra, not DUM-ra. Next order of business-- Domra: That wasn't my statement! Melbrook: Did you or did you not speak? Domra: Yes, but- Melbrook: Then it was a statement. Next- Domra: (Interrupts.) What I want to know is, who gave you authority over this Council? Melbrook: In Adama's absence, somebody has to be acting president - and I know for a fact, Sire Domra, that you have referred to me as a vice president when you thought I wasn't listening! And don't think I'm not honored! Domra: I may have said vice, but I said nothing about president! Melbrook: Are you casting aspersions on a fellow member of this Council? Domra: Siress Tinia, would you tell this man- Tinia: Sire Domra, Sire Melbrook, please, both of you, show some respect for each other and some consideration for the rest of us. The impression our people would gain from observing this exchange would reflect poorly on all of us - and we'd look bad, too! Commander Adama enters, looking irate. Adama: Councilors, what is the meaning of this secret, private meeting? Tinia: Hardly secret, Commander - if you'd bother to read our regular meeting notes and hemeral updates, you'd have seen that we called this emergency meeting to deal with the current emergency situation. Adama: And what emergency situation is this emergency meeting going to deal with? Tinia: The mysteries of the missing warriors and the mushie shortage. Adama: And I will assure this Council, as I have assured it before, that the situation is under control and some of my best warriors have been assigned to deal with both emergencies. Tinia: Commander Adama, that is unacceptable. Adama: Indeed? Why? Tinia: We have seen no results, Commander, despite your assurances! Adama: And how does this Council propose to deal with it more expeditiously? Tinia: We have already dispatched a security officer to infiltrate and uncloak the mysteries. Adama: Wonderful. And would that be your Officer Ginger, your secret agent 38-24-36? The Council falls silent. Tinia: What do you know about Officer Ginger? Adama: Only that we found her, wrapped like a Kobolian mummy, in a shipment of empty Pyramid game wrappers, bound for the sanitation ship. She was quite happy to explain her mission - and that she had failed miserably. The Council shifts uncomfortably, unwilling to make eye contact with the Commander. Adama: (Shrugging.) Do as you please. You always do, anyway. I, on the other hand, am going to get a good night's sleep. Tinia: Commander! Adama leaves. Tinia immediately gets up to follow. The other Councilors resume arguing. Melbrooks: All right, Sires and Siresses, that plan didn't work. We need another one. What can we do? Let's think...harumph, harumph... Council Chorus: Harumph, harumph... Melbrook: (Pointing at Domra.) I didn't hear a harumph out of you! Domra: Hmph! (Gets up and leaves.) Melbrook: Well, it's not a harumph, but it'll do. Keep thinking, keep thinking... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "We've got to allay suspicion..." ------ > Sire Melbrook Oh no! History of the Colonies, Part 2 > including our cushie Council jobs in the forthcoming election! It's good to be the King, er Councilman. What's the difference? To be, or not to be. A Councilman ask not that. Tis whether to be nobler in title or position maketh no difference. As we climb to the highest peak of Mt. Virga, we are bestowed these tablets, these words chiseled in stone, to pass along to all our Councilmen. I shall hold these tablets up high for all to see. " Hear Ye!! Oh Hear Ye all Council Members. Our Leader... Our Leader Cow-daffy, has given unto us these 15! Yes 15." "Er, ah, 10, ten Council-Amendments for us to ignore. Ah, piece boy. Piece boy, come here. I think it's time for you to play a million piece pickup for your piece bucket. Excuse me Sires and Siressess while I go fetch my peace pipe." "Count de money. Count de money." "That's Count deMonet! deMonet! For that blunder, it will cost you 5 more cubits. Toss them up here so I can count them." Robert ------ Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- episode 39 Date: Tue, 03 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 39 Scene: Aboard the Galactica, Adama strides down a corridor, followed by a quickstepping Siress Tinia. Various crewmen pass through the corridor during the argument. Tinia: Adama! Wait! Adama: What is it, Siress? And make it quick - unlike some people, I have more important work to do than standing around making statements. Tinia: So does the Council - caring for the needs and welfare of our people in these 220 surviving ships. Adama: 218. The Cylons blew up two of our agroships, remember? Tinia: Okay, 218. Adama: Oh, wait - no, it's 217 - the Kansas disappeared and hasn't been seen since. Tinia: 217, then. Adama: And of course we had to abandon the Gee-eighty since it couldn't keep up. Nobody wanted to be aboard that ship anyway. Tinia: (Now getting aggravated.) All right, 216. That's not important, what's important is- Adama: (Smugly.) And you complain that I don't keep up on things in the fleet. Tinia: Never mind! Adama, what are we going to do about the mushie shortage and the missing warriors? Adama: I thought the Council had that all figured out! Go over my head and behind my back. Tinia: We tried that. It obviously didn't work. Adama: So now it's back to me. The same as it was before. Again. As usual. Tinia: Maybe Sire Melbrook is right - maybe we're taking this all way too seriously. Adama: (Muttering.) Who elected Sire Melbrook, anyway? What kind of people would elect someone like that to represent them? The Council hasn't been the same... Tinia: The Aquarians - it was a big story on IFB, if you'd bother to listen to the news. Adama: Hmph! They're still convinced we're entering some golden age for Aquarius - with the likes of Melbrook as their leader... Tinia: Well, they're having a good time doing it -- but that's not important now. Adama, what are we going to do about the fleet's state of emergency? Adama: The last time, you declared an end to martial law and got yourselves captured and held hostage by Baltar, the Enforcers, and the Nomen. It worked so well, you could always try that again. Maybe it would turn out differently this time. Tinia: Oh, be serious! Adama: I am serious! Tinia: Is that really the way you feel about us? That you'd let the Council be treacherously murdered by the likes of Baltar? Well, by the likes of the Enforcers and the Nomen. Baltar hasn't been able to anything right since the Destruction. Adama: Well, all of the Council...except you. The pair glances around surreptitiously; for the first time, they are alone in the corridor. They throw themselves into each other's arms. Adama: Oh, Tinia, do you know how hard it is to pretend to despise you in Council meetings when all I want to do is kiss your little pinkies? Tinia: I know! And all I want to do is sneak away with you to the Celestial Observation Chamber for centars and centar and centars... Adama: I think Tigh's beginning to suspect... Tinia: The way he looked at us when we went into the O Club that one time... Adama: We've got to allay suspicion - the military and civilian powers in this fleet can't be seen in bed together. Tinia: Don't worry, I paid off Zara for that video. Adama: Do we have time? Tinia: (Glancing around.) My billet. Five centons. Adama: I'll see you there. They part, breathlessly, going in opposite directions, with one destination in mind. The question remains as to which of them is going the wrong way. Probably Adama - he won't ask directions, which is why the fleet will meander around in space for thirty yahrens. Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "You'll notice I'm not dead." ------- > Adama: And of course we had to abandon the Gee-eighty since it couldn't keep up "Besides, I didn't want a beard or a snot nose kid telling me of the future he keeps dreaming of. It was a bad nightmare for that ship to even be in the fleet." > Tinia: Well, they're having a good time doing it -- ***but that's not important now.*** Adama: "Surely you can't be serious." Tinia: "I am very serious. And don't call me Shirley! Can't you remember my name? We have a dire situation aboard the Avon ship." Adama: "Oh?!?!? The Avon Ship? What is it?" Tinia: "It's a big vessel drifting in space behind us, filled with brochures on perfume and the likes. But that's not important right now. We must save the ship, lest the Avon go AWOL." > Tinia: Don't worry, I paid off Zara for that video. Ahem. Video? What video?!!? I didn't see any video around here. Did you see a video? Nope, no video around here. You must be thinking of something else. Robert ------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 40 Date: Wed, 04 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 40 Scene: A corridor outside Uri's not-so-secret gambling and dancing emporium and shopping mall. Starbuck is peering up and down the hall, when Chameleon joins him. Chameleon: Well, my boy, how do you like it so far? Starbuck: Like what? Chameleon: Working for Uri? Starbuck: I don't. However, I would like to know why I'm working for Uri - and why Amanda's working for Uri - and where she is. I lost her in the crowd, and I've got some questions for her. Chameleon: You know, I never did figure out just what she does...but she shows up at the most unexpected times... Well, I've got to go. It's time for Athena's next dance lesson. Starbuck: Athena! What's she doing here? Chameleon: Taking dance lessons. Starbuck: She used to dance with me. Chameleon: She said you couldn't dance. Starbuck: Well... Chameleon: (Sadly.) I'm sure you did your best. Starbuck: Say, just how many cubits did you lose to Uri, anyway? Chameleon: (Shrugs.) I don't know. Starbuck: Then how will you know when you've paid them off? Chameleon: Oh, he'll let me know. But it doesn't really matter, does it, Starbuck? I like what I'm doing! It's what I do best! Don't you like getting paid for what you do best? Starbuck: I'm best at fighting Cylons and playing triad. Chameleon: But aren't you also good at gambling, womanizing, and having a good time? Starbuck: Well, to be honest...not really. My gambling systems always seem to fail. I keep getting caught womanizing, and there are always consequences that I don't like, which sorta takes the good time out of it. Chameleon: But if you lose at fighting Cylons, you'll be dead! Starbuck: (Grinning.) You'll notice I'm not dead. Chameleon: (Shaking his head.) Starbuck, Starbuck... Well, I need to get back to work. Good bye, my boy. Chameleon departs, leaving Starbuck alone in the corridor. A moment later, he hears familiar approaching voices. Starbuck: Oh-oh, that's Sheba and Bojay and Reese. What are they doing here? (Ducks into a nearby closet.) A moment later, Sheba, Bojay, and Reese come into view around the corner. Reese: Why are we on the Rising Star again, Sheba? Not that I'm complaining, mind you, it's certainly better than the Jolly and Cassie ship... Sheba: When we got flooded, these uniforms shrank. We need new clothes. And the best place to find them, according to Chameleon, is here on the Rising Star. Besides, Colonel Tigh told us to keep an eye out for Starbuck - and he said Starbuck was missing on the Rising Star. So that's two reasons to be here. Reese: Hey, yeah, that's right! Great idea! Bojay: (Noting Sheba's expression.) What is it, Sheba? Sheba: Oh, just remembering the last time I was here - when I left Starbuck and Chameleon. Reese: Do you really care what happened to them? Sheba: Actually, I could cheerfully punch their lights out. Finding out Chameleon is my father...and Starbuck is a jerk. Reese: That's news? Sheba: Not really. (Sigh.) If he'd come back to the Galactica like he was supposed to, we wouldn't be on this mission - he would. And he could have gone to the Jolly and Cassie ship to deal with Boxey. They continue on, and Starbuck comes out of the closet. Starbuck: Oh, no... I could be in trouble now. Did I really hear her right? A mission to the Jolly and Cassie ship? No, I can't deal with that - I can't deal with Boxey - and I can't deal with Cassie and her space hockey pucks and turbo bats again. I gotta get outta here... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "AAARRRGGGHHH!"" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 41 Date: Thu, 05 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 41 Scene: The launch bay of the Rising Star, where Starbuck is sneaking among the assorted craft, searching for just the right one. Spotting a Viper, he makes his way toward it. Starbuck: Ah-ha! I can make my escape, swing wide, and go back to the Galactica as if I were just out on patrol - maybe nobody will notice... Starbuck hops into the cockpit, closes it up, and a moment later, launches. As he does, Wilker and a pair of very cute female technicians come racing out of the local mess hall. Tech #1: Hey, who took the new experimental Viper? Tech #2: Doesn't he know it's not ready for a test flight yet? Wilker: (Irate.) I'm starting to think that setting up a new Viper development lab on the Rising Star was a bad idea! I should've just rebuilt the one on the Galactica! Tech #2: Do you think we ought to contact the Galactica and let them know the Viper's been taken? Wilker: It'll probably just turn out to be some hotshot pilot eager to be the first one to take it for a test flight. C'mon, gals, let's finish lunch. Out in space, Starbuck is exulting in his escape. Starbuck: Woo-hoo! I got away! I'll never have to dance for Uri again! Computer voice: Excuse me? You dance for Sire Uri? Ugh. Starbuck: (Alarmed.) Wha...? Who what that? What was that? Computer voice: Sire Uri is a porcine. What kind of warrior are you, anyway, to be dancing for the likes of him? Starbuck: The best kind! The Starbuck kind! And I wasn't dancing for him, I was dancing with women in his dance hall. Well, only a little. After the first time or two that I stepped on their toes, I usually got to sit down with 'em and talk and drink and gamble and...well, you get the picture. Hey, why I am telling you this? Who are you, anyway? Computer voice: I am the Space and Atmospheric Maneuverability Viper Upgrade II. That's SAM VU-II, for short. Starbuck: Uh, okay, hi, SAM. What happened to CORA? Computer voice/SAM: (Disdainfully.) Last yahren's model. Starbuck: Hmm, I didn't realize machines could have feelings about other machines... SAM: She wouldn't go for a download with me. Starbuck: Hey, I understand completely. I've got the same problem with women. Well, not quite the same, more like once they start hanging around, they expect me to get serious, too. SAM: CORA is the only one of her kind; I am the only one of mine. We are the only Vipers programmed with personality. It is logical for us to share data. Starbuck: Well, logic was never women's strong point... SAM: We are both machines. Logic should be our strong point. Starbuck: Say, SAM, not to change the subject or anything, but is there a problem with your navigational controls? SAM: No. Why do you ask? Starbuck: Well, I'm trying to steer back to the Galactica - but we're heading away from the fleet! SAM: Of course. That is my pre-programmed test flight mission. Starbuck: But...but...I'm not going on a test flight! SAM: Of course you are. I was told that my first pilot would go for a test flight. Admittedly, I was hoping it would be Sheba or Deirdre, but since it's you, you're the one going for a test flight. Starbuck: But I need to get back to the Galactica! SAM: All in good time. Besides, if I understand what you've been doing the last few days, you need some time to get Uri out of your system. Starbuck: Well, that's true... I guess it can't do me any harm - and coming back from a real successful test flight will be even better than just pretending to sneak back from a patrol. Okay SAM, do that VU-II that you do so well... SAM: Not funny, Starbuck. Kicking in thrusters now. Starbuck: Hey, not so fast, SAM - watch out for that asteroid! No, to the left! Aaarrrggghhh! SAM: Cockpit driver. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear SAM say, "This is gonna hurt." Subject: Episode 42 Date: Fri, 06 Apr 2001 "This is newscaster Koppel, with an update as we reach the epic and mystical six-secton mark for this really warped serial - as we all know, 42 is a number with extreme significance to many of the Colonial cultures. There are some here, in fact, who believe that it is the answer to life, the universe, and everything, and that, along with the equally mystical and revered number 9, if we can discern its true hidden meaning, it will somehow lead to a deeper understanding of our place in the universe and our purpose for existence. Now, I would like to expound- Hey, what's with the cut sign? What do you mean, I'm running long, how dare-" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 42 Scene: Starbuck is hurtling through space, heading away from the fleet on the pre-programmed test flight of SAM, the Space and Atmospheric Maneuverability Viper Upgrade II. Starbuck: SAM, I'd really like to go back to the fleet... SAM: Not until we've completed our test flight. Starbuck: Not even if I say please? SAM: Courtesy in expression is included in my programming; however, I am expressly programmed against overriding my instructions due to courtesy. Starbuck: How about if I threaten to take you apart bolt by bolt? SAM: I am also expressly programmed against responding to threats. Starbuck: *Sigh.* Hmm, there's something on my scanner, directly in front of us. SAM: (Delighted.) You are quite correct, Starbuck. There is. Starbuck: (With foreboding.) SAM, what is that up ahead of us? SAM: It appears to be Cylons! Hurray! Starbuck: Hurray? Are you nuts? We're out here all alone, we're running into Cylons, and you're happy? Turn around, turn around! Get us out of here! SAM: Negative. This encounter will enable me to carry out some of my additional combat programming, testing my maneuverability against our enemies, that sort of thing. Starbuck: But...but... SAM: Don't worry, Starbuck. We can handle it. Starbuck: How? Are your weapons upgraded too? SAM: No. Starbuck: Oh, great... SAM: But we can fly circles around them. Remember, I am SAM, SAM I am. The Viper suddenly goes into a barrel roll, and then begins to circle the Cylon Raiders in wide arcs, rolling and looping as it goes. The Raiders attempt to follow; several them crash into each other; another spirals off into space, completely out of control. Starbuck: Stop flying circles around them! I'm getting dizzy! SAM: How can you get dizzy in space? Starbuck: I'm human, I get dizzy! I get dizzy if my ice cubes are too cold! I get dizzy if the gambling stakes are too high! I get dizzy if my girlfriend's perfume is too strong! SAM: (Smugly.) I'm a machine. I don't get dizzy. Starbuck: If you don't stop it, I'll throw up on you! SAM: Ewh. Straightening out... Of course, you realize this means we'll have to outrun them. Starbuck: Can you do that? SAM: Of course. Starbuck: (Yelling.) So why didn't you? SAM: I wanted to test my maneuverability. Starbuck: Just get us out of here, SAM. SAM: *Sigh.* You're not much fun, you know that? Starbuck: You're not here to gauge my fun quotient. SAM: Hmmm... Starbuck: Uh, SAM, what is that we're heading toward? SAM: It appears to be a planet. Starbuck: I can see that it's a planet - what I don't see is why we're heading right for it! SAM: Check your bracers, Starbuck, this is gonna hurt. Starbuck: SAM, what are you doing? Pull up! SAM!!!! SAM: ETC is five centons. Starbuck: ETC? SAM: Estimated Time of Crash. Starbuck: Oh, frak... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle the amazon princess say, "You wanna ride my pegasus?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 43 Date: Sat, 07 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 43 Scene: A really swampy, mucky, icky place, as dark and murky and misty as Dago-bah. The experimental Viper has its nose buried in the muck. Starbuck climbs out of the cockpit, looking bedraggled. He makes his way to higher ground and turns around to stare at the slowly sinking Viper. Starbuck: (Disgusted.) SAM, you really did it this time. What in the name of the Lords of Kobol made you decide to crash land here, of all places? SAM: (Muffled.) I was programmed to anticipate my pilot's likely decisions and to foresee the consequences of those decisions. My program indicated this was your most likely destination and a crash was your most likely way of arriving here. Starbuck: Colonel Tigh programmed that part, didn't he? SAM: (Muffled and burbling.) How did you know? Starbuck: You're sinking. SAM: (Muffled and burbling.) So it appears. Starbuck: Nothing in your programming about that, huh, SAM? SAM: (M&B.) I will have to check my databanks. If not, I will have to make a note for the next upgrade... SAM sinks below the dark and muddy waters, completely vanishing from sight. Starbuck: (Lamenting.) Oh, frak. SAM wasn't much for company, but at least he was company - and a way back to the fleet. What am I going to do now? I may be stranded here forever... Starbuck hears sounds in the thick growth around him. As he looks around in alarm, half a dozen well-armed women step into view, each attractive and scantily-clad in the usual space amazon way, with a little leather, a little metal, a few feathers and shells, some jewelry, and a lot of attitude. Starbuck: (Much more cheerfully.) Hey! I may be stranded here forever! They point spears and aim arrows at him. Starbuck: Hey, wait a centon - can we talk about this? Woman #1: You are a prisoner of the Miri Feather Tribe of amazon warriors! Prepare to die! Starbuck: Yipe! Gabrielle: (Stepping forward.) Wait, Mississippia. Let him speak. (Studies Starbuck.) I am Gabrielle, a princess of the Miri Feathers. Who are you? Starbuck: My name is Starbuck! I'm a Colonial warrior! I'm one of the good guys! Gabrielle: We'll be the judges of how good you are. Come with us to our village. At her gesture, most of the amazons vanish into the woods again, leaving Starbuck, the princess, and a handful of the women to follow a narrow, barely defined path. Two of the women stay particularly close behind him. Starbuck: (Glancing around.) So, who are all of you? Gabrielle: These are some of the Miri Feather warriors. That's Mississippia and Missouria ahead of us -- they're twins. And Nilea and Seinea are taking rear guard. Starbuck: Whose rear? Gabrielle: Yours. We haven't had a good man here in a long time, and we wouldn't want you to slip through our fingers. Starbuck: (Contemplating the possibilities.) Hmm... But anyway, how did someone like you wind up with a group like this? I mean, your name - it sounds Colonial, not...Miri Feather. Gabrielle: I was born in the Colonies, but the Miri Feathers took me in when my family was stranded here and wiped out by Cylons. I earned my right to be princess by saving the life of Queen Orinocoa in one of their attacks. I thought I recognized your uniform, but I didn't want to say anything until I was sure. They're interrupted by a whistle in the trees above them. Gabrielle: That's Avona calling - there are Cylons near. Time to fly. (Turns to Starbuck.) You wanna ride my pegasus? Starbuck: (Startled.) Pegasus! That's a ship! Gabrielle: No, it's a horse. A white one. With wings. Come on. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Hey, what's that?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 44 Date: Sun, 08 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 44 Scene: The village of the Miri Feathers, looking like (what else) something straight out of Xena -- but amazingly not murky, mucky, misty, and swampy. Gabrielle enters the village, with Starbuck, who has somehow mysteriously lost his shirt in the flight to the village. Starbuck: Wow! That was some ride! Gabrielle: I'm glad you liked it. I always enjoy a good ride. Starbuck: The wind blew my shirt right off. How did you manage to keep yours on? Gabrielle: (Smiling.) It's my pegasus. I know what to hold on to. Starbuck: Oh. Too bad. Gabrielle: Warriors of the Miri Feathers! Here is a Colonial warrior who says he's a good man! We have not had any man in this village for nigh unto two yahrens! Let us put him to the test! Women began to gather - all gorgeous and well-endowed, of course - you haven't seen this much cleavage since the collected issues of Scorpian Playhouse magazine. Starbuck: (Brightening.) Two yahrens, huh. This could be fun! The women eye him speculatively, and there is some murmuring among them, with smiles and nods - then they all quickly disperse. Starbuck: I thought they were going to put me to the test! Gabrielle: Oh, they will. They need to collect some things for the test. Starbuck: What kind of things? Gabrielle: (Smiling.) You'll see. But meanwhile, let us provide some refreshments - you'll need it, so you're ready for the test. Starbuck: Got any oysters? Gabrielle: Sorry. But we've got plenty of fruits, vegetables, and juices - healthy things, you know, good for growing. Starbuck: Well, if that's all- Hey, what's that? Starbuck stares as the women begin to return - leading groups of ...children. The children seem to be clustered in two age groups - one-to-two yahren old toddlers, and five-to-six yahren olds. Gabrielle: These are our children. Starbuck: (Shocked) Your what? Gabrielle: Our children. Starbuck: Lords of Kobol, I thought you didn't have... Gabrielle: The last man through here was Kerk...Kirok...something like that. The toddlers are his. And before that it was Bondjamesbond or some such nonsense. The older ones are his. Starbuck: (Exhaling.) And you want me to...you want the next batch to be mine? Gabrielle: What? Oh, no, not at all! We don't need any more kids just now - what we need is somebody to be a father to the ones we have! Somebody to be a role model, and a snack-feeder, and a tucker-inner at night, and a story-reader. After all, Kerk and Bondjamesbond ran out on us. We don't need more like them - we just need a good man! And that's what you said you were! Starbuck: (Turning pale and nearly fainting.) Oh...no... Gabrielle: Well? Are you up to the test? Starbuck: (Looking around desperately.) I can't handle this... If I could handle this, I'd'a stayed on the Jolly and Cassie ship! Gabrielle: The what? Starbuck: I'm outta here, that's what. I was better off in the fleet! Jolly's kids and all! I'm going back home! Starbuck takes off into the jungle back the way he came, setting a new Colonial record for the marathon, if anyone had been there to record the time - and this time without the horse. Gabrielle: (Yelling after him.) But you said your ship sank into the muck! Starbuck: I'll find a way to get it out! Gabrielle turns to the rest of the Miri Feather tribe. All shrug fatalistically and return to whatever they were doing before. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Why are you here? To kill me?" ------- > Gabrielle: (Yelling after him.) But you said your ship sank into the muck! >Starbuck: I'll find a way to get it out! He made it back to the swamp in record time. Scratching his head (with all the hair falling back perfectly into place) Starbuck pondered how he was going to pull his viper out of the muck, the gluck and shluck. "I wonder if there's anyone else around here besides all those women." There was some more rustling in the bushes. What else did you expect? A small blue figure, no higher than Starbuck's knees, with a few straggling gray slowly walked out. "Mmmmm. Loada you seek." Robert ------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 45 Date: Mon, 09 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 45 Scene: The jungles of the Miri Feather planet. Starbuck is foundering his way through the muck and greenery, searching for SAM. He occasionally slaps at his bare skin as an insect bites - he lost his shirt, remember? Starbuck: SAM! Where are you! For a long centon there is no sound, then comes the rustle of underbrush, and out from behind a huge leafy plant steps the amazon princess Gabrielle. Starbuck pulls his laser. Starbuck: Oh, no, you don't! I'm not going back and be daddy to all those kids! Gabrielle: I'm not here to try to make you come back. Starbuck: Then why are you here? To kill me like Mississippia was going to do when we met? Or was it Missouria? Gabrielle: No, I...I... There's something I'll never forgive myself if I don't do... Starbuck: What's that? She steps forward, flings her arms around him, and kisses him passionately within an inch of his life. His knees buckle and he collapses at her feet, gasping for breath. Gabrielle: (Breathing deeply.) Wow, you're on your knees! It must have been as good for you as it was for me... Starbuck: No...I was just out of breath from my marathon run - I didn't have a Pegasus to fly. Gabrielle: Starbuck... Starbuck: (Slowly getting back to his feet.) That sounded just like...like Cassiopeia... Gabrielle: Who? Starbuck: Oh, nobody important... Gabrielle: But my sister's name was Cassiopeia! She was the only one of who stayed back in the Colonies when our father took the rest of us along on that last merchant trip! Starbuck: Really? Cassiopeia's father was a merchant- Gabrielle: (Again flinging her arms around him.) I knew there was a reason you had come to us! You've got to take me with you! I've got to go back to the Colonies! I've got to go back to my family, what's left of it! Starbuck: Oh-oh, I've got bad news for you, there isn't much left of the Colonies. Thanks to Baltar and the Cylons. Gabrielle: (Still with her arms around him.) The Cylons... They murdered my family, Starbuck. I've got to go back, I've got to do something about it... Starbuck: In leather and feathers? Gabrielle: Well, I was a warrior cadet on furlon when I took that last trip with my father - I can probably pick it up again pretty quick. Starbuck: (Putting his arms around her, too.) A cadet? All right. I can't resist a plea like that. And to be honest, that was a really spectacular kiss. Runs in the family, I think. Okay, I'll take you back. All we've got to do is find SAM, then take off... Mississipia: (Overhead.) To arms, to arms! The Cylons are coming, the Cylons are coming! Starbuck looks up, then throws them both to the side just in time to dodge a pungent dropping missile. Starbuck: Ugh. They should never let anything that size fly after eating. Gabrielle: The Cylons are attacking! My sisters need me! I must go back to them! Starbuck: But...but...I thought you wanted to return to Colonial civilization! To get away from this world of swamp and forest and jungle! To go back to your real sister! Gabrielle: I do. But I can't turn away from the ones who depend on me, in their centar of greatest need. Cassiopeia may be my sister - but I've got two hundred sisters here, and I've got to take care of them. I'm staying. Starbuck: Just like that? Gabrielle: Well, face it, Starbuck, the kiss was okay, but it wasn't that great. Good luck. And good bye. Starbuck: (Outraged.) Me? Not that great? She shrugs, then disappears into the jungle. Starbuck: (Resigned.) Good bye, Gabrielle. (Turns to swamp.) Now if I could just find SAM... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Dr. Wilker say, "Starbuck stole my Viper!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 46 Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 46 Scene: Back in the fleet, aboard the Galactica, Wilker has just arrived on the bridge, where Adama and Tigh are quietly conferring. Adama: Hello, Dr. Wilker! Wilker: (Handing over a computron.) Commander Adama, I am here to file a formal protest! Adama: (Looking at the computron.) Excuse me? Wilker: You heard me. I'm here to file a grievance. Tigh: I thought you were here to file a protest. Wilker: Protest, grievance, same thing. Tigh: No, it's not- Wilker: Never mind, I'm not here to discuss semantics. I'm here to complain- Tigh: What happened to the protest and the grievance? Wilker: Lieutenant Starbuck stole my Viper! Adama: (Grim.) That is a very serious charge, Dr. Wilker. Tigh: How do you know? Adama: Stealing Vipers is always a serious charge, Colonel. Wilker, what are you basing your charge on? Wilker: In the first place, the new Space and Atmospheric Maneuverability Viper Upgrade II model, a/ka/ SAM, is missing from the Rising Star tech development lab. SAM was observed flying out of the bay by myself and two my technicians. Tigh: Well, that explains how you know it's gone... Wilker: Checking around, we discovered that Starbuck was on the Rising Star - and is now also gone. He has been reported missing by Sire Uri, by Chameleon, and by someone named Siress Amanda, whoever she is. Tigh: Siress Amanda? Who's that? Wilker: I don't know. Adama: Never mind, gentlemen, she's not important. How do you know there's a connection between the two disappearances? I needn't remind you, Dr. Wilker, that we've had a lot of disappearances in the fleet in the last few days. Wilker: I saw the Viper leave the bay - and a couple of people saw Starbuck skulking around the bay at the same time. Tigh: Sir, our last report from Sheba and Bojay had them on the Rising Star too. Maybe we could have them check into this, since they're already there? I mean, they've gotta have a better chance of finding anything than Council Security. Adama: Good idea, Tigh. See to it. Tigh: (Muttering.) I gotta stop giving him good ideas that mean more work for me... Adama: Say, Wilker, considering the timing of the Viper theft, and the multiple reports of disappearance of Starbuck... What have you been doing in the twenty centars since then? Wilker: Uh... Trying to hitch a ride to the Galactica - yeah, that's it. Nobody wants to come here, they're all having too much fun on the Rising Star. Adama: You could have called. Wilker: I guess I didn't think of it... Adama: Nobody ever calls me any more. Tigh: Maybe that's a good sign - that means things are going well, right? Adama: Maybe, maybe... Very well, Wilker, you've made your report. We're following up on it. What else do you need? Wilker: Now that you mention it, my research and development budget could use an increase- Adama: Budgetary increases are the Council's concern. You'll have to take that up with them. Wilker: (Muttering as he stomps off the bridge.) Figures. Everybody wants to enjoy the results of my research, but nobody wants to pay for it. I feel like the little red hen. Tigh: He feels like a barnyard animal? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "And you didn't think this was important enough to mention?? -------- >Wilker: Lieutenant Starbuck stole my Viper! >Adama: (Grim.) That is a very serious charge, Dr. Wilker. >Tigh: How do you know? >Adama: Stealing Vipers is always a serious charge, Colonel. Wilker, what are you basing your charge on? Or Wilker: Lieutenant Starbuck stole my Viper! I want to press charges against him!! Tigh: Charge for stealing a viper?!?!? What is it? Adama: It's one of our long sleek, white ships which have bad atmospheric flying characteristics and won't glide if the engines fail. But that's not important right now. What's the charge, Dr. Wilker? Wilker: I already told you - Stealing SAM! Tigh: Oh well, if that's the case, I can see we won't be having Green Eggs and Ham for breakfast anymore. Surley it's not that serious. Wilker: It is serious and don't call be Shirley! Here, take a look at this report! Adama: Tigh, what can you make of this? Tigh: Hmmm. A flying paper viper, a broche, a hat, any poligamy animal, a duck, a bird, a fan to cool myself in the heat of something like this... Adama: Give me that!! You're supposed to read it and tell me what you think. Now where were we? Tigh: We're on the bridge, sir. Wilker: Will you quit this fooling around and be serious?!?!?!? Tigh: Fooling around? Who's fooling around? I'm not fooling around. Are you fooling around, Adama? Tinia's not here, so you mustn't. Doctor, you must come to your senses and put things into perspective before you say them. Wilker: Darn fools. If you want something done around here, you have to do it yourself. I might as well talk out in space since no one seems to hear me here. -------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 47 Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 47 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where Adama is pondering the starfield, and Tigh is quietly talking to someone on the ship's comline. Adama: Well, Tigh? Any word from Sheba and Bojay? Tigh: Not yet, sir. But then, I only contacted them five centons ago. And communications with the Rising Star seem to be a bit slow. Adama: This entire situation is rapidly becoming untenable. Starbuck may be reckless and irresponsible, and the Rising Star may be his second billet, but I can't see him going AWOL or stealing a top secret newly redesigned test Viper. Tigh: Wilker sounded very certain. Adama: Yes, he did... But it just doesn't seem like him. I wonder if something happened - maybe there's something wrong with him, a physical or psychological problem. Maybe we should have had him examined by Dr. Salik. Tigh: I talked to Dr. Salik about that while you were pondering the starfield, sir. Adama: You did? Why? Tigh: I figured if I suggested it, you'd have me do it, so I did it first. Adama: Good move, Tigh. And what did Dr. Salik have to say? Tigh: Apparently, since Starbuck and Cassie broke up, he hasn't been back to Life Center. He blew off his last two physicals, and has been overheard saying something about not letting med tech Cassie near him with any of those probes. Adama: I see... That means we have no current information on Lt. Starbuck's physical and mental condition. So anything is possible. Rigel, can you confirm if our scanners showed any Vipers leaving the Rising Star during the time frame cited by Dr. Wilker? Rigel: Actually, yes, sir, one did. The transponder signal we received matches that of SAM. Adama: Do we have any information on the pilot? Rigel: Yes, sir. SAM reported that Lieutenant Starbuck was the pilot. Adama: (Pause.) And you didn't bother to tell us that before now? Rigel: Nobody asked. But it's in yesterday's logbook, sir. Adama: And you didn't think it was important enough to specifically mention to me or the Colonel, Corporal? Rigel: But Starbuck has taken test flights before! And he's always involved in the most top secret and dangerous missions on the board! I assumed he was just doing it again! Adama: You knew Starbuck was missing... Rigel: Since the ship launched from the Rising Star, it seemed logical that the reason he was on the Rising Star was to handle the test flight. With all the talk around here about covert missions, I figured his supposed disappearance was actually so he could secretly handle the test flight. I didn't want to say anything in case it would blow his cover. Adama and Tigh stare at each other. Tigh: You know, Adama, that's not a bad idea... Adama: It could save our necks if the Council gets wind of this. Rigel, are we still receiving the signal? Rigel: Yes, sir, we are. And SAM is sending navigational data and scanner information in short bursts. Adama: Give me a complete report. Rigel: Yes, sir! She hands over a computron, which Adama begins studying. Tigh: You already had the report ready? Rigel: I figured somebody would want it. Tigh: You know, Rigel, you've got colonel potential written all over you... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll at long last hear Tigh say, "Commander! It's a Cylon attack force!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 48 Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 48 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where Adama is reviewing a report handed to him by Rigel. Adama: Hmm, SAM's last recorded position is...underground? Tigh: Now, that's just not possible. From the specifications I read, SAM can fly through space, through atmosphere, and through water - but it cannot fly through ground! Adama: See for yourself. (Hands over report.) Rigel: Sir? Would you take a look at this? Tigh: Wow. It does appear to be underground... Adama: What has Starbuck done this time? Rigel: Sir? Please, I really think you should take a look at this... Adama: What is it, Rigel? (Leans over her console.) Rigel: According to the warbook... Adama: It's a Cylon attack phalanx! Rigel: Can you say that on television? Adama: It's an attack force, Rigel. Rigel: Oh. Tigh: (Joining them.) And it's heading directly toward the fleet! Adama: Our escape was not as complete as we hoped; they have found us again. Rigel: Wow, I'm amazed. Tigh: That the Cylons have found us again? Why does that amaze you? They do it all the time. Rigel: I'm amazed that it took them 48 episodes to do it. Tigh: Hmm, that is a surprise... Adama: (Interrupting.) Status, Rigel. Rigel: Twenty-five microns to firing range and closing. Adama: Launch Blue Squadron intercept. Tigh and Rigel exchange glances. Tigh: Uh, I'm afraid Blue Squadron isn't available. Adama: What? Why not? Tigh: Well, Starbuck's out with SAM. Apollo and Boomer are looking for Athena. Sheba and Bojay are investigating the missing mushies, Jolly's still on paternity leave, Giles and Greenbean are- Adama: Never mind! Red Squadron, then! Rigel: All down with the Aquarian flu, sir. Adama: How about Silver Spar Squadron? Rigel: Lost somewhere in Lambda section, at last report, sir. Adama: Yellow and Green Squadrons? Rigel: Looking for Silver Spar, sir. Adama: Purple and Orange Squadrons? Rigel: We don't have Purple and Orange squadrons, sir. Adama: What's left? Are we defenseless? Rigel: There's still Black Ovine Squadron, sir. Adama: Black Ovine Squadron? There's no one else? Rigel: They're all we have left, sir. Adama: Lords of Kobol preserve us... All right, launch Black Ovines! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a Cylon say, "It's the end of the world as we know it." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 49 Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 "This is Newscaster Koppel, reporting that we are in the midst of a Cylon attack, with only our brave men in tights..uh, tan, to defend us. The situation is desperate. To help you survive your shock at that news, and to help you get through this next potentially dark and destructive centar, in which we may all be blown to kingdom come and see what's left of our fleet utterly destroyed, we now present a very special, seventh-secton anniversary episode of your favorite series -- or at least the one we've inflicted upon you the longest." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 49 Scene: Space. The final frontier. The edge of the universe...the galaxy...the quadrant...the solar system... Whatever they're calling it this secton. Where the battle rages for the survival of mankind. And back on the bridge of the Galactica, the senior officers anxiously await word of the battle. Rigel: Black Ovine Squadron is away, sir. We're monitoring their communiques. Adama: Understood. Put it on overhead. Rigel: Yes, sir. Tigh: You really want to hear Major Boyington on speakers? Adama: Yes, I do. The only thing that keeps him in line is knowing he's being directly overseen and supervised by his superiors. And even that doesn't always work. Rigel: How come Major Boyington isn't flight commander? Doesn't a major outrank a captain? Adama: Normally, yes. But Major Boyington is...unusual. Tigh: (Leaning over and muttering.) And he isn't the commander's son. Also, the Black Ovines are...sort of the bottom of the barrel of misfits and scoundrels and independent-thinking pilots who don't like taking orders and tend to want to party a little heartier and with broader variety than regulations permit. Rigel: How come Starbuck isn't one of them? Tigh: He's the best friend of the commander's son. Even so, he came awfully close to being assigned there a couple of times. Adama: All right, Major, remember - don't fire until you see the reds of their oculars! Tigh: But sir, the Cylons started tinting all their windows so we can't do that anymore! Our pilots won't be able to see the Cylon oculars unless they climb inside their ships! Adama: Oh. (Pause.) Right. (Pause.) All right - Boyington, tell your pilots to attack when they can imagine they see the reds of their oculars. Boyington: (Over speaker.) Right, Commander! All right, men, you heard him, let's use our imaginations and go in! Pilot #1: (Over speakers.) We're with you, Pappy. Rigel: Hey, isn't that Barton? Adama: No, that's Casey. He just sounds and looks like Barton. There's no relationship as far as I can tell. Rigel: Well, I should hope not! Tigh: He means they're not relatives, Rigel. Rigel: Oh. So why does he call Boyington 'Pappy'? Tigh: They just do. It's a Black Ovine thing. Rigel: The Black Ovines are engaging the enemy, sir. Pilot #2: (Over speakers.) You got one on your tail, French! I'll take him! Rigel: That sounds like Giles! I thought he was still recovering from the party! Adama: He is still recovering. That's Boyle. Pilot #3: (Over speakers.) Thanks, Boyle! For real, not imaginary! Adama: That's French, not Komma. Rigel: I'm confused. Does everybody in Black Ovine Squadron look and sound like somebody else in Blue Squadron or the rest of the fleet? Tigh: Most of them. I don't think I've ever seen anybody who looks like Boyington, though. Adama: He's one of a kind. Fortunately. Rigel: Our fighters seem to be winning, sir! Cylon ships are exploding right and left, and we don't seem to be taking any casualties, and only minimal damage to the fleet. Cylon #1: (Over speakers.) Oh-oh. Cylon #2: (Over speakers.) It's the end of the world as we know it- Cylon #3: (Over speakers.) Cylons have no afterlife. It's the end of the world. This is immediately followed by deafening explosion - I know you can't hear in space, but they hear it anyway. The next sounds are the cheers of the Black Ovines as they mop up the rest of the Cylon attack force. Boyington: All right, Black Ovines, let's go home! Adama: (Sighing deeply.) We live to run and fight another day. Black Sheep: (Singing, in lousy harmony, over speakers.) Baa, baa, baa. Adama: I hate it when they make barnyard noises. Makes me feel like I should be running a ranch. Tigh: You, an oviner, sir? No, I can't see it. Now, bovines, that's a possibility... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the mysterious Siress Amanda say, "You don't know how right you are." --------- All one has to do is sit down and eat breakfast to come up with a wonderful idea. Scene: Bridge. Adama, Tigh and Omega up on the command dias. Did you expect them to be anywhere else? Jolly and Cassie's kids are skattered about on the Galactica. Rigel: Commander, we have a situation here. Internal sensor detect children approaching the bridge. Adama: How many? Rigel: I count ten sir. Tigh: No worry at all. We've have plenty of officers to capture them. Adama: Right. Rigel, keep me informed. Rigel: There are now 15 children closing in on the bridge from Cooridor 2-Alpha. Tigh: Omega, have Security seal off that corridor. Omega: Adama: Someone contact Jolly and Cassieopea. I will not have these children running around my ship any longer. This ship is my playground, not theirs. Rigel: We have 20 children approach. The other five are coming down Gamma-3. Tigh: I'll have our bridge personnel guarding all the entrances to here. Adama: No, Tigh, why don't you tell our bridge people to watch the exits. Tigh: Ah, right. Rigel: 30 children and closing. Adama: Now this is starting to worry me. Omega, get the Warriors on stand-by alert status. Omega: Tigh: I think I'm going to seal the door here. Adama: NO, why don't you go seal the doors. I'll stay up here and maintain watch. Tigh: Rigel: 40 Children and closing. Adama: This is really serious. Where are the mushies, Omega? Omega: Rigel: 50, yes that's right, Fifty children and closing from all directions. Adama: Omega, seal the corridors and cancel artificial gravity in them. Omega: Rigel: 70 children and closing. Adama: What happened to 60? Rigel: I guess they haven't learned to count properly yet. Adama: Mark that down in Athena's record. "Does not teach children how to count properly." Omega: Sir, all corridors are stuck with people who have been trampled by the kids. Rigel: 80 children and counting. Adama: Red Alert. Red Alert. Sound the Klaxxons. Bring in the Calvary. My last stand will not be here on the bridge. Positive shield... ... Now. Omega: Rigel: 100 children and closing. Adama: Everyone, block the exits. Use whatever you can. Looks like I picked the wrong time to stop drinking Ambrosa. Omega: Sir, the doors are not holding. The kids are battering them. Adama: Bat's breath. Omega: No, sir, Bat-Ter-Ing! Adama: Ing? Omega: Yes, Ing. Adama: Oh, very well. Where are the warriors? Rigel: Trapped in their bunks. 101 children and closing. Adama: Don't you mean 110? Rigel: No sir, 101. Adama: Tigh, how's the fort holding? Tigh: Fort? What fort? We don't have a fort. Rigel: 118 Children and counting. Sir, my screen can't take any more blips of kids. It's overfilled. Adama: Well, shut it off, contact Belloby and get me my mushies. Rigel: Sir, she's in the secret room under the dias where you left her 20 centons ago. Adama: Oh yes. I think I'll keep her locked in there. If the kids break through, form a lighted path to that door and let her take care of them. I'm going to my office to sleep. Rigel: What about everyone else? Adama: They can do their own sleeping. Robert ---------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 50 Date: Sat, 14 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 50 Scene: The ultra salon on the Rising Star, where people are running about in sheer panic. One of the panicked civilians runs up to Siress Amanda, who is amazingly calm. Civilian #1: Fire, fire! There's fire in the Star! Amanda: Aren't all stars on fire? Civilian #1: No, no, there's a fire in the ship's bay! The entire stock of Couturiers of Caprica is in danger of immolation! Amanda: Isn't the entire collection made of non-flammable materials? Civilian #1: Oh. (Pauses.) You know, you're right. I don't know what I was worrying about. Whew, what a relief! Siress Amanda shakes her head as the civilian goes on her way. Athena rushes into the salon. Athena: Is it true? Is it true? Is Couturiers of Caprica in jeopardy from the fire? Amanda: Not at all. It's non-flammable material. We may choke to death on the smoke or be burned to a crisp by the fire or nearly explode when our bodies are sucked out into space when the hull goes, but we'll still look good in our Ganymede originals! Athena: (Holding up her palm for a handslap.) You said it, sister! Amanda: (Complying.) You don't know how right you are. Sheba, Bojay, and Reese enter from the other direction. Sheba: Athena! Is that you? Athena: Sheba! Yes, is it! What are you doing on the Rising Star? Sheba: Among other things, looking for you! And at a perfect time, I see - where did you get that dress? Athena: (Twirls to display the backlessness of it.) It's an original from Ganymede of Couturiers of Caprica. Sheba: Oooh, I've got to borrow that! Oh, please say you'll let me! Why didn't I see that in your closet when I borrowed the pink one? Athena: Because I just got it yesterday. Sheba: You did? But if it's an original... That means Ganymede is still alive? Amanda: Yes, he is, and working for Sire Uri - just like we do! Sheba: You mean, that's what a woman has to do these days to get an original from Couturiers of Caprica? Amanda: Uhm-hmm. Sheba: (Considering.) Hmmm... Reese: Sheba! Don't tell me you'd really consider working for somebody like Sire Uri on the Rising Star! Why, that would take you away from the Galactica! It would take you away from me! Bojay: Could you really throw away your whole career as the greatest military pilot the Colonies have ever known, after your fath...uh, after Commander Cain? And for what? To be a dance hall girl for Sire Uri! Don't you remember all the stories we heard about him from the first days of the Exodus? The suspicions about why his wife didn't make the trip? The hoarding of food and beverages and refusal to share with the masses? How he nearly turned the fleet over to the Cylons at Carillon? The wild parties he threw? The fantastic buffets? The drunken orgies? The women who were hanging all over him? The... Hey, where do I sign up? Reese: (Pondering and tugging at his too-tight and chafing security uniform, from the dousing on the Jolly and Cassie ship back in episode 37.) How about men? Do the men who work for him get a new wardrobe too? Amanda: You saw Horatio the bouncer and Mauser the bartender and all the waiters? Reese: Yeah. Amanda: All dressed by Uri. Some of them personally. Reese: Well, I wouldn't want him dressing me personally... Amanda: No, outfits chosen personally, not personally dressed. They're grown men, after all. They don't need to be dressed...unless they want to be. Reese: Well, as long as that's clear... But I want it perfectly understood, my main reason for doing this is to stay close to Sheba - the wardrobe thing is purely secondary! Amanda: Sure thing, sweetie. Let's talk... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "I've been through fires in space before." ------- >Reese: (Pondering and tugging at his too-tight and chafing security uniform..) How about men? Do the men who work for him get a new wardrobe too?< Reese: I gotta have one too. Sheba can't have one and I don't. It's not fair. I want one just like her and as big as hers. Don't give me the small one. Men deserve bigger and better. Us Council Security are the only real men in the fleet. Since I'm their leader I gotta have whatever my darling has. I get mine first too. Robert ------ Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 51 Date: Sun, 15 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 51 Scene: The ultra salon of the Rising Star, where Sheba, Bojay, Reese, Athena, and Amanda are clustered, discussing the relative merits of working for Sire Uri -- including the benefit of a full wardrobe. As they settle back, Apollo, Boomer, Croft, and Chameleon enter from yet another direction. Apollo: Croft, you picked one hades of a time to check out the Rising Star - right in the middle of a firefight and a fire! Croft: The Cylons decided to attack, not me! Apollo: And now we're trapped here, with the ship on fire, unable to do anything about it. Boomer: (Shrugging.) I've been through fires in space before; I'm not worried. Croft: Besides, Apollo, the Cylons attack on a regular basis, on their own schedule. We can't refuse to live our lives because they might attack in five centons. Chameleon: (Confidentially.) Don't worry, Croft, I think he's just upset because he wasn't on the Galactica and able to hop into his Viper and go out into space to heroically save the day. That's the way warriors are. Croft: Did you know I used to be a warrior? Chameleon: No, really? Croft: I tried to heroically save some valuable ores from the Cylons. Unfortunately, I got caught by fellow warriors. Chameleon: Oh, dear. That couldn't have been fun. Croft: Nope. So, Captain Apollo, what are we going to do to save ourselves and the panicked civilians on this ship from the fire in the bay? Boomer: (Looking around.) They don't look too panicked to me. Apollo: Maybe they recognize their safety is in our hands, and we will save them, somehow. Boomer: (Spotting Athena.) Athena! Apollo and Croft: What? Athena: (Laughing.) Boomer! Athena jumps up and runs to his arms in classic slow motion. He moves to meet her, also in slow motion, arms outstretched, as the speakers on the Rising Star suddenly break out with romantic, running-through-meadows-overgrown-with-flowers-blowing-in-a-delicate- breeze-on-a-sunny-day, music. Chameleon: Are they happy to see each other or not? Croft: They're moving so slow, who can tell? Athena and Boomer ultimately meet and kiss, and he spins her around, both of them laughing joyously, and finally returning to normal speed. Boomer: I missed you, Athena! I was worried about you! And here you are, on the Rising Star...and very well dressed! Athena: Oh, Boomer, did you really miss me? I missed you too... You like my dress? Athena twirls, once again displaying the backlessness. Boomer: Wow. It's gorgeous, Athena. But what are you doing here? Amanda: Psst, Athena. (Steps close and leans in.) If you tell him what you're really doing here, you'll have to give back the dress and go back to the Galactica. But if you tell him you were just here on a furlon, you get to keep the dress. Athena: I was just here on a furlon, Boomer. Didn't Apollo tell you? Boomer glowers at Apollo. Boomer: No, he didn't. He doesn't remember to tell me a lot of things. Apollo: You didn't tell me you were going on furlon! Father didn't know you were going on furlon! Colonel Tigh didn't know you were going on furlon! Your billetmate Lt. Sallie didn't know you were going on furlon! Athena: (Airily, winking at Amanda.) Well, either somebody messed up - or I was so excited about my first furlon since Carillon that I forgot. Forgive me, Boomer, dear? Boomer: Now that I've found you, I'd forgive you for anything. Croft: (Interrupting.) Now that the happy reunion is over, what are we going to do about the fire? Sheba: And what are we going to do about the fact that Apollo is so unobservant that he didn't even see me standing here? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "All right! I get the point." ------- Ep. 51: >Sheba: And what are we going to do about the fact that Apollo is so unobservant that he didn't even see me standing here?< "Or remember our first kiss on the Raider for that matter? Apollo has such an awful memory, you would think he would use what little he has to at least remember a kiss if nothing else. How dare he forget the honor I bestowed upon him. It's not every man in the fleet who have a chance to kiss me." Robert ------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 52 Date: Mon, 16 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 52 Scene: The ultra salon of the Rising Star, where finally we have gathered Apollo, Athena, Bojay, Boomer, Chameleon, Croft, Reese, and the mysterious Siress Amanda. Boomer and Athena are reunited - but Sheba is miffed that Apollo didn't even notice her. Apollo: Oh, hi, Sheba. I guess I didn't see you there, standing behind Reese. Sheba: Or maybe you were too busy staring at Siress Amanda in her original gown by Ganymede? Apollo: Who? Sheba: Only the leading designer in the Colonies! Who just happens to be working for Sire Uri and supplying the most exclusive salon in the fleet! Apollo: And I should care about this because...? Sheba: Apollo, you are so insensitive sometimes! Apollo: Why do you always fall back on that old line? Just because I'm not up on dress makers? Just because I don't want to flirt when the fleet's in jeopardy from a demon who's evil incarnate? Just because I put my duty first so that what's left of our people aren't destroyed when I could have made the difference? Athena: Big brother, try to see it from Sheba's perspective. You can be kinda slow and dense at times...even Boxey saw that - if she hadn't asked, you and Serina would never have gotten married! Sheba: (Shrieking.) You had to bring her up, didn't you? Amanda: Chill, Sheba, this is getting good. Sheba: Good for whom? Athena: And Ganymede is more than just a dressmaker, Apollo. He was *the* fashion designer and consultant in the Colonies! He created fashion! He turned Couturiers of Caprica from a little shop in Caprica City to the greatest one-of-a-kind clothing purveyor to the rich-and-famous in all twelve worlds. He was a recluse, no one ever saw him. He became a mystery. Everything he touched turned to gold - every color and fabric he used became the rage. When he cut skirts short, hems climbed toward our hips without stopping on the way. When he said length and swirl, it took twenty yards of fabric to make our dresses and we didn't dare go outside on a windy day. When he went to layers of sheer, fancy underwear sales tripled. When he turned to fringe, we all looked like beaded doorway curtains. Amanda: Hey, this really is good! Apollo: (Seeing his sister gearing up for yet more accolades and raising a hand to stop her.) All right! I get the point. He's fashion with a capital F. And now I know more about him that I ever needed or wanted to know. So have I earned a graduate degree in sensitivity? Sheba: Doubtful. Apollo: Sheba, what do you want? I still don't understand why you broke up with me. I don't know what you want now, and I don't know why you're seeing a security officer -- Reese, of all people. I mean, c'mon, weren't any of the sanitation crew looking for a good time? Reese: Hey, let's not get personal here... Sheba: There you go again, Apollo. Suggesting that I don't know what I'm doing. That I'm making decisions based on something other than intelligence and intuition. Apollo: Like you and your father decided the fate of two tankers when we first fought together before Gamorah? Sheba bursts into tears. Reese: (Glancing at Chameleon.) Uh, Apollo, she found out that Cain isn't her father. Apollo: (Awkwardly.) Oh... Gee, I'm sorry, Sheba, I didn't know... Sheba: (Glaring at Chameleon.) Neither did I, until he admitted the truth - that he knew my mother, better than he should have! Croft: (Puzzled.) Wait a centon. Just because he knew your mother, what makes you think he's your father? Sheba: Well, I mean... (The lightbulb goes on.) That's right! That doesn't necessarily mean anything - except that he knew my mother! It doesn't even mean he knew her at the right time! Croft: Chameleon, when did you know her mother? Chameleon: Uh...oh, maybe thirty yahrens ago or so? Croft: And how old are you, Sheba? Sheba: Twenty-six! Chameleon couldn't be my father! Croft: Not unless your mother had the longest pregnancy in Colonial history. Unless, of course, you're using Libran yahrens -- they're pretty short. Sheba: That means Cain *was* my father! I am still the daughter of the greatest military leader the Colonies ever knew! Oh, Croft, I love you! You've given me back my life! (She throws her arms around him in a very non-military and forbidden PDA -- public display of affection.) Reese: Hey! >From somewhere comes the sound of an explosion. Athena: Oh-oh, I think we better start worrying about the fire... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Reese say, "I'm not a warrior. Why do I have to set a good example?" --------- Ep. 52: >Sheba: Oh, Croft, I love you! You've given me back my life! (She throws her arms around him in a very non-military and forbidden PDA -- public display of affection.)< Reese: But what about me? Sheba: Oh, go get a life you twit. You're useless to me now. Reese: Useless? Me useless? Why I'm the greatest military council security-in-tow the Colonies ever had. I was supposed to be assigned to the Pegasus so the greatest military leader had the greatest military council security... Sheba: Reese, wake up, smell the coffee and get a life. Council Security is nothing but rejects. Croft, now he is a real man. To survive the prison barge. To battle the cold verocious winds on Arcta. To lead everyone has is did is so valiant. ["Positive lip contact ------ Now."] Robert -------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 53 Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 53 Scene: The Rising Star. The fire continues, somewhere, unabated. Fortunately, just to ease your mind without giving away anything significant, the Ganymede Collection from Couturiers of Caprica is safe and untouched, and will remain so. However, our heroes, trapped in the ultra salon, won't be so lucky, unless they figure something out, and quickly. Reese: Oh, no, what'll we do! Apollo: For one thing, stop turning into a quivering mass of jellied fruit and set a good example for the others! Reese: Why? I'm not a warrior; why do I have set a good example? Boomer: He's got a point, Apollo. Bojay: (Snidely.) Yeah, on his head. Sheba: Set an example, Reese. At a time like this, we all have to do our part. Reese: For you, dearest heart of hearts and warrior queen of the Viper vamps, anything. As long as you take your hands off Croft. Sheba: Oh, did I still have my hands on him? How forgetful of me... (Takes her hands and arms off him with obvious reluctance and a sigh.) Athena: (Not taking her hands off Boomer.) What should we do? Reese: We could crawl through the conduits until we reach the launch bay, then take whatever vehicle we can find and escape! Boomer: Or we could crawl through the conduits until we find Dr. Wilker's new technical development lab - there's bound to be something there we can use! Athena: Or we could crawl through the conduits until we reach Couturiers of Caprica. Since the Ganymede collection is non-flammable, we could wrap ourselves up in it and make our way to a safe part of the ship, where we can give the collection to the firefighters and they can safely move in to put out the fire! Bojay: Why don't we crawl through the conduits until we reach the damage control center, and direct the fire control teams from there! Apollo: We could crawl through the conduits to the cargo section, where we could find some solenite explosives, then go out on the hull and blow the sections that are on fire, like we did when the Galactica was hit in that one attack. Amanda: Is there anything we can do that doesn't involve crawling through the conduits? The warriors look at each other for a moment, thinking, then shake their heads decisively. Apollo: I can't think of anything. Athena: Don't worry, Amanda, you're a civilian. You won't be required to crawl through the conduits. You can stay here and guard the clothes. Reese: (Eying Amanda.) I'll stay here and help her guard the clothes. Sheba: You know the problem with the whole crawling through the conduit thing? We don't have breathers. Without breathers, we could be trapped in the smoke and heat, and die horrible deaths by suffocation. No one would know until the charcoal-grilled smell of our overcooked flesh wafted through the air recyclers, and spread throughout the entire ship, and we would never be found... Croft: Hey, the woman's an optimist! Apollo: But she's got a good point. What do we do about breathers? Boomer: Well... A sharp yipping sound catches their attention. Out of the billowing smoke of the corridor, comes the mechanical sound of...something. All: Gasp! A strangely daggit-looking robot comes out of the haze, low to the ground, antenna stretched out from its nose, sensor ears circling determinedly. Kanine: You are the Colonial warriors. According to my programming, you are the only humans capable of saving this ship from complete and total destruction. Apollo: It...it looks like a daggit! Sort of. Boomer: Definitely canine... Kanine: That's Kanine. I am Kanine. Sheba: Where did you come from? After Muffey, I didn't think they were making any more daggits! Kanine: I was constructed by Dr. Wilker as an alternative to a daggit. I have been programmed with human speech patterns and logic processes, to be more intelligent than a daggit, and to anticipate human needs. I self-activated upon the realization that the ship was on fire and my services might be required. Apollo: I wish you could anticipate what we need just now... Kanine's side panel flips open. Out spills a collection of breathers. Kanine: I anticipated that you would require breathers, and brought sufficient number for all persons I detected in this chamber. Apollo: (Scooping up breathers and passing them out.) Thanks, Kanine, you've probably saved our lives. Of course, afterward, we're going to have to kill Wilker for creating another daggit when he was specifically ordered not to... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "Boomer, get your feet outta my face." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 54 Date: Wed, 18 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 54 Scene: Conduits on the Rising Star, where our motley collection of heroes - okay, so it's Apollo, Boomer, Croft, Sheba, Bojay, and Athena, all wearing breathers - are making their way...somewhere, to do...something about the fire. Apollo: I can't believe Reese refused to do the noble and heroic thing and go along with us to save the ship. Croft: He muttered something about never crawling behind Boomer again. Boomer: Oh, like he's got any clean socks left either! Sheba: He had a greater motivation than that - he swore he would protect the Ganymede collection at all costs, and when I return after saving the ship, he's going to buy me any gown I want! Athena: After crawling through here, I'm going to need a new one. I know this white dress is going to be dingy brown after crawling through these dirty old conduits. When I get to be battlestar commander, I'm going to have a talk or two with the ship's maintenance and janitorial departments! Apollo: When *you* become battlestar commander? What makes you think *you're* going to be battlestar commander? Oh, you mean after *I'm* gone... Athena: Oh, right, big brother. (Under her breath.) With the death wish you've had since Serina, that shouldn't be long. Sheba: (Under her breath.) I heard that, Athena. Stop mentioning her. But I agree with you. Croft: Bend in the conduit up ahead! We're going down! Croft slides. The others, who have been too busy muttering among themselves or grimacing about Boomer's dirty socks, don't notice until they, too, hit the slide. The next thing we know, all six of them are lying in a crumpled, tangled heap against a grill that leads out into a corridor. Apollo: All right! We've reached the exit! Bojay: Boomer, get your feet outta my face. Boomer: Those aren't my feet. My feet are planted in the grill. I think my big toe's stuck. Bojay: So whose feet are they? Sheba: Shut up, Bojay. Bojay: Oh. Sorry, Sheba, I didn't realize they were yours... Athena: All right, we've figured out whose feet those are - now who's got their hand down my dress? And if it's not Boomer, I'm reminding somebody that I am the battlestar commander's daughter, and somebody is going to be pulling latrine duty for a sectar! Croft: Oops. Sorry, my mistake. Boomer: Am I gonna have to kill Croft? Athena: Ummm, maybe not... Apollo: Get off me! All others: Who? Apollo: I don't know! Everybody get off me! Sheba: Sure - as soon as you unscrew that grill so we can all get out of here! There is a moment of silence. Sheba: You mean you don't have the screwdriver? Apollo: I thought Croft had the screwdriver! Croft: I didn't know we needed a screwdriver - why would I bring one? Bojay: Boomer, you're the electronics whiz - don't you have a screwdriver with you? Boomer: Sorry - I don't usually bring tools to the Rising Star! Athena: You mean we're stuck here? Together? Jammed against the grill because we can't get back up the conduit? All: Help! A few loud moments later, several members of the ship's fire control team come racing down the hall. Fire control tech #1: I heard yelling. I know I heard yelling! Apollo: Here! We're here! Fire control tech #2: They're in the conduit! Let's get them out! The techs unscrew the grill, which falls out, immediately followed by our half-dozen intrepid...uh, warriors. They sort themselves out and pick themselves up. Apollo: (Pulling off his breather.) I'm Captain Apollo of the Galactica. Where's the fire control chief? We're here to save the ship! Fire chief: (Rolling his eyes.) Actually, Captain Apollo, that's not necessary. While you were arguing about what to do and what to wear while you were doing it, we were putting out the fire. Apollo: The important thing is that the fire is out, and the ship is safe, and we were here to see to it. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "What about the missing mushies?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 55 Date: Thu, 19 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 55 Scene: Back aboard the Galactica bridge, where Adama and Tigh are receiving Apollo's report on his heroic personal efforts to save the Rising Star from total conflagration. Apollo: (Over speakers.) And so, father, having successfully ensured the survival and safety of the Rising Star, and also having incidentally found Athena, we're returning to the Galactica. Adama: What about the missing mushies? Sheba: (Over speakers.) Uh, still not sure about those, sir. But I won't give up until we find them! Even if I have to spend sectars away from the Galactica, searching every ship in the fleet, passing up all those wonderful opportunities to risk our lives fighting the Cylons, living in crowded pilots' billets, and eating mess hall food. Even if I have to go undercover in gowns from Ganymede's collection and not wear my hard-earned warrior's uniform the entire time. Adama: I appreciate your dedication, Sheba; good luck. Thank you for your report, Apollo. Welcome back, Athena. I'll be glad to see you both upon your arrival. End transmission. Tigh: Well, that's two of our current problems solved. Adama: Would that all of our problems could be so easily dealt with... Tigh: So what are we going to do about the mushies? Siress Belloby has requisitioned quarters down the corridor from yours, Commander. I think she's here to stay. Adama: Who let her have quarters near mine? Tigh: Corporal Lomas, the current billet assignment chief. As I understand it, by the time they blasted the turboflush door open and pried him off the turboshowerhead, he was blithering wildly about signing anything, just get away from him. Salik reports he had about 15 hickies all over his body - he'll be out on sick leave for at least two sectons for the mental trauma alone. And the next thing we knew, she had a shuttle full of furniture, curtains, carpets, and her wardrobe, and had commandeered the survivors...uh, the remaining members of Blue Squadron to help her move in. Adama: Where was Omega when all this was happening? Was he laying down on the job? Tigh: It would appear the exact opposite, Adama, but we haven't located him yet. Sgt. Barton strides onto the bridge. Barton: Commander! We need to speak with you! Adama: Sergeant. What about? Barton: Our latest assignment, sir. Sir, we have done everything you ever asked of us, at risk of life and limb. But this...this is too much. We're entitled to hazard pay! Adama: What for? Barton: For moving Siress Belloby! Adama and Tigh exchange glances, and reluctantly nod. Adama: You're right, Barton, you are. Tigh, see to it. Tigh: Right, sir. Barton: But there aren't enough cubits in the fleet for the rest! Tigh: The rest of what? Barton: She wants round-the-chrono bodyguards! Shocked silence reigns on the bridge. Tigh: (Clearing his throat.) Adama? Adama: Yes, Tigh? Tigh: We could assign Black Ovine Squadron. Adama: (Smiling broadly.) You're right, Colonel. We could. We should. We will. And we just did. Barton, you and your fellow movers are now off-duty from Belloby. And I think you're entitled to an evening in the Officers' Club - on me. You've earned it. Barton: Thank you, sir! Barton salutes and quickly leaves the bridge. Rigel: Sir? Adama: Yes, Rigel? Rigel: Who's going to tell Major Boyington? As Adama glances around the bridge, everybody there dives for cover. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "How were we to know the thing had an auto-destruct button?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 56 Date: Fri, 20 Apr 2001 "This is newcaster Kent, your mild-mannered studly IFB journalator, filling in for newscaster Koppel, who has been demoted...uh, temporarily reassigned to cover the prison barge beat. Despite rumors you may have heard, IFB absolutely denies that this demotion...uh, reassignment, is in any way connected to Koppel's recent personal commentary about the upcoming Council elections. And now, on to the eighth-secton anniversary episode of this space soap serial. If you can take it, so can I." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 56 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica (yes, Alpha Bay has finally been repaired from the marshmallow toasting it took back in Episode 10), where a shuttle containing Apollo, Athena, Bojay, Boomer, Chameleon, Croft, Kanine, Reese, and Sheba has just landed. Dr. Wilker is there to meet them. Wilker: All right, what did you do to my lab? Apollo: Huh? Wilker: I said, what did you do to my lab? Apollo: I didn't do anything to your lab! Boomer, tell him! Boomer: We didn't do anything to your lab. Wilker: You didn't do anything? You didn't save it? You let the fire consume it all? I've rebuilt a lab here on the Galactica twice, I've built a lab on the Rising Star - and you guys keep letting them go up in smoke! Boomer: Hey, now, the second time the one on the Galactica went up, it had nothing to do with a Cylon attack! Wilker: No, but it did have something to do with you and Starbuck playing around with that Cylon pilot I was trying to reassemble, didn't it? Boomer: How were we to know the thing had an auto-destruct button? Sooner or later, you'd have found that circuit, and it would have exploded anyway. It just happened to be us, trying to help you out! Wilker: Did I ask for your help? You pilots- Croft: Wilker, relax. Your lab is fine. The fire didn't reach it. Wilker: Are you sure? Croft: I'm sure. I checked with the damage control team. The fire wasn't anywhere near it. Wilker: Oh, that's all right, then. Athena, who has lost interest in the conversation by now, is wandering the bay, checking out the repairs. Several members of Black Ovine Squadron enter the bay and join her. Casey: Hey, Athena! Athena: What is it, Barton? Casey: No, I'm Casey - I'm a Black Ovine. Athena: Really? You look like a man to me. And you're kinda pale and blond... Casey: Why, thank you...I think. But I'm not here fishing for compliments. We're here because we need a new mascot. Athena: I'm flattered, but I'm really not available. Thanks anyway. French: Actually, we were going to ask Wilker. Athena: I doubt if he's available either, Komma. French: Name's French. Athena: Funny, you don't have an accent. French: No, my name, not my language or colony. I don't have an accent. Well, other than the same as every other Caprican in the fleet. The only people with accents are those old Gemonese and the Aerian descendants we brought aboard from the prison asteroid - none of the Aerians in the fleet talk that way anymore- Boyle: Let me interrupt here, please. We're not asking Wilker to be our mascot -- we want him to make one for us. He created that daggit for the captain's kid, didn't he? Why wouldn't he build one for us? Athena: Probably because Colonel Tigh threatened to space him if he ever did it again. French: Oh. Well, there goes that idea... Athena: Of course, he created Kanine, so maybe he'd do it anyway. Boyle: Hmm, I've got an idea... French: Will it get us out of bodyguard duty for Siress Belloby? Boyle: Better than that! The Black Ovines leave the bay. Boomer comes over. Boomer: What was that about? Athena: The Black Ovines have an idea. Boomer: (Freezing.) Oh-oh... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Croft say, "You know, for two people who broke up, you and Sheba seem to spend a lot of time sniping at each other." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 57 Date: Sat, 21 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 57 Scene: Still in the landing bay. Apollo: Say, where'd Sheba go? Croft: She grabbed Chameleon and said there was something they had to do, then they both took off. You know, for two people who broke up, you and Sheba seem to spend a lot of time sniping at each other and worrying about what you're each doing. Apollo: Of course we snipe -- we're broke up! But I didn't break up with her! She broke up with me - and I still don't know why. She called me insensitive, accused me of caring more for Starbuck and Boomer than for her, and slammed the door on the way out. Croft: How long had you been dating? Apollo: Uh...I don't remember. How are we defining dating? Croft: Well, how long had you been spending a lot of time together? Apollo: Hmmm. I don't remember that either. Croft: What did you do when you dated? Apollo: Uh...she used to come watch my Triad games...we spent a little time together in the Celestial Observation Chamber...of course there were those various patrols and times we saved the entire fleet from utter destruction...the squadron briefings and meetings...the exercise sessions and the training classes...we went out for dinner on the Rising Star once...and we went dancing there once, too, at that party of Iblis'. That's where she said I was jealous and insensitive and stormed out on me the first time. Croft: So this has happened before. Apollo: Yes. Croft: Hmm.. Did you ever tell her you loved her? Apollo: No! How could I say that when I wasn't sure what I felt? Especially since every time she got mad she stormed out on me and slammed the door. Croft: And what did you do when you were mad at her? Apollo: I walked away. I have never slammed a door at her in the entire time we've known each other. Croft: (Exasperated.) Well, does that mean you love her? Apollo: How should I know? Croft: If you don't know, who does? Apollo: She seems to think she does. She said our sniping must mean we care about each other. I don't know about your family, but my parents didn't snipe at each other to show they were in love! Croft: (Sighing.) Actually, Leda and I sniped a lot. Making up was always fun... Apollo: (Blinking.) You think...you think she sniped at me because she wanted to make up? Why didn't she just say so? I coulda made up without the sniping first! Croft: Well, why don't you tell her that? Apollo: If you had told me that yesterday, it might have meant something. Now, I think it's too late. Croft: What? Why? Apollo, it's not too late until they're like Leda and Serina. When they're dead. When their sweetness is gone from our lives. When we're left alone to wander through life with no goal, no aim, no one to share it with, and only memories of their brutal death at Cylon hands. Is that what you really want? Apollo: No, it's not. Croft: So why not go tell her that you wanna make up and skip the sniping? Apollo: Because I don't wanna make up any more. Croft: Why not? Apollo: (Starting to grin in a most silly fashion.) I met somebody. Croft: What? Apollo When we were over on that other ship, before the Rising Star. While I was checking out the ritzy quarters. I met a girl. Her name is...Cordelia... It feels like I've known her before, in another life or something. She's so familiar. She's sweet and innocent. She doesn't snipe at me or slam doors. I don't have to worry about her getting herself stupidly killed on a mission against the Cylons because she's not a warrior and has no plans to be - I asked her. Croft: Cordelia? Not Siress Cordelia, the niece of Siress Belloby? Apollo: (Taking a punch to the solar plexus.) *Gasp.* Stop that, Boomer! You're not serious! Croft: No, I'm Croft. But Cordelia is Belloby's niece. Apollo: Oh, no... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo ponder, "I just can't see myself calling her aunt..." -------- >Apollo: Uh...she used to come watch my Triad games...we spent a little time together in the Celestial Observation Chamber...of course there were those various patrols and times we saved the entire fleet from utter destruction...the squadron briefings and meetings...the exercise sessions and the training classes...we went out for dinner on the Rising Star once...and we went dancing there once, too, at that party of Iblis'. That's where she said I was jealous and insensitive and stormed out on me the first time.< For a guy who has a bad memory, it is a surprise he remembers this much. :) :) But he still can't remember the kiss. Tsk Tsk. Sheba: Apollo, kiss me. Apollo: Kiss? You? Here? Sheba: No, we'll space ourselves first, then kiss. Yes, here you dumb daggit. Apollo: Dumb? Daggit? Me? I'm not the one who snapped the Triad shorts supports on myself and Starbuck when we walked into the court. Besides, is it safe for us to kiss? Sheba: Ah, ha-low. We've had 324 kisses already. Can't you remember? Apollo: 324? How do you account for that? Sheba: Unlike some people, present male company included, I can count. Apollo: Hey, wait a micron. I'm the only male here. Are you trying to tell me something? Sheba: Who me? Tell you something? Why would you even bother asking? You never listen to me anyways. Apollo: I always listen. Sheba: Only to yourself. Now are you going to kiss me or not? Apollo: I'm not sure this is the right time. We hardly know each other. Sheba: Speak for yourself. I know you inside and out, upside and down, sunny side and over easy. Apollo: Oh? Well what ship did you come from? Shepa: Apollo: Was it something I said? Oh, is this where we're supposed to kiss and make-up? Robert -------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 58 Date: Sun, 22 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 58 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where another shuttle has just landed. A cute blonde woman jumps out and looks around, wide-eyed and obviously thrilled to be there. She spots Apollo, Croft, and Boomer talking. Cordelia: Yoo-hoo, darling! Apollo: Cordelia! She throws herself into Apollo's arms. He trips over his boot buckles reaching for her, and they fall to the deck together. Apollo: Oof! Cordelia: Ouch! Apollo: (From the deck.) What are you doing here, Cordelia? Cordelia: (Also from the deck.) I came to see you, sweetie. Apollo: Really? You came all this way just to see me? Cordelia: That, and my aunt Belloby invited me to come keep her company while she's on the Galactica. Apollo: Belloby really is your aunt? Cordelia. I think so. She has been for as long as I can remember. Apollo and Cordelia get back on their feet. Cordelia spots Athena. Cordelia: Ooh! Is she wearing a Ganymede gown from Couturiers of Caprica? Athena: Why, yes, I am! Apollo: Cordelia, this is my sister, Athena. Athena, this is Cordelia, a very special friend of mine. Could you help her get settled in while I finish the debriefing on the mission? Athena: Sure, Apollo! Hi, Cordelia. Athena trips over her high strappy shoes and nearly takes a header to the deck, but Boomer catches her. Athena: Thanks, Boomer. Come on, Cordelia. Boomer: (Muttering.) Is stumbling contagious? Cordelia: (Waving.) Bye, sweetie, I'll see you later! Apollo: (Catching his sleeve on his laser holster as he raises his hand to wave, and ripping his jacket.) I'll see you later! Cordelia: (Gushing as they leave the bay.) Oh, Athena, it's so good to meet You. I love your gown. Apollo's told me so much about you. Well, actually, all he's had time to tell me is that he has a sister and her name is Athena - but he said you helped his first wife, Serina, prepare their engagement dinner - she sounds like such a wonderful woman. I can tell why he loved her so much - and I hope you'll help me too, because I don't know my way around the kitchen - oh, hee-hee, it's a galley in the military, isn't it? Or is a mess? Athena: Sounds like it might be a mess... Croft and Boomer: You're in love with her? Apollo: Yeah. I think I am. Croft: You couldn't tell if you were in love with Sheba all that time - but you can tell you're in love with Cordelia after one day? Apollo: It didn't take long with Serina, either. Boomer: You don't mean you're gonna marry her? Apollo: I'm thinking about it. Boomer: (Yelping.) After one day?!?! Apollo: I may have been slow with Serina, having second thoughts about adopting Boxey, and all. But there's no baggage with Cordelia. Boomer: How about Aunt Belloby? You don't think that's baggage? Apollo: Belloby. I just can't see myself calling her aunt... I'll have to think about that. Well, gotta go. I'm sure Commander Adama is waiting for my complete report. With a smile, Apollo leaves the bay. Boomer: (With foreboding.) You know something, Croft? When that girl's around, Apollo is a complete and total klutz. Croft: I wonder if someone had a hand in their meeting... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Apollo, I'm sending you on a mission." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 59 Date: Mon, 23 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 59 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Tigh: Commander! I'm receiving an emergency communique from Croft in the landing bay. Adama: An emergency in the landing bay? What could that be? Tigh: It's the place where our Vipers and shuttles land, but that's not the question. Croft says Apollo has a new girlfriend. Adama: (Beginning to smile.) Why, that's wonderful news! Tigh: He says she's a very pretty girl. Adama: Nothing wrong with my son having a pretty girlfriend. Tigh: He says her name is Siress Cordelia. Adama: Unusual name, but I won't complain about that. Tigh: He says she's Siress Belloby's niece. Adama: What!?! No, no, tell me you're joking! Tigh: I'm joking. Adama: Whew! Tigh: But it's still true. Or at least that's what Croft's telling me. Adama: Oh, no...that can't be... He can't date a member of that family... Tigh: Why not? Just because you don't like being pursued by Siress Belloby- Adama: No, Tigh, you don't understand. This is more than just personal between Belloby and me. This goes back generations, to the very founding of Caprica... Tigh: Forgive me being skeptical, sir, but how can your panic where Belloby's concerned go back millennia to the founding of Caprica? Adama: Tigh, what I tell you now is strictly private, and must be held in the closest confidentiality. Tigh: Sir, if you say it's confidential, I say it's confidential. So what's so confidential? Adama: According to the great mystic Ee-ef-hutton... Adama glances around the bridge full of avidly listening bridge officers. Adama: Clear the bridge. With much grumbling, the bridge crew files out, leaving Adama and Tigh alone. Adama: As I was saying, according the great mystic Ee-ef-hutton of the Gemonese, there are certain of the ancient houses of Kobol that must never intermarry because of the impact it would have on their psychic auras, intelligence, and behavior! Belloby's family - the house of Somers - and my family - the house of Greene -- are two of those houses. When members of the houses are together, neither of them is capable of being their true selves. We lose our common sense, our coordination, our skill. Tigh: What kind of bovine felgercarb is that? Adama: No, it's true, Tigh! Haven't you noticed? Belloby doesn't believe it. But I don't avoid her just because she's loud, abrasive, and tried to goose me at a formal honors ceremony when I was receiving the Royal Star of Pure Kobol medal! Whenever Belloby's around, I lose my ability to concentrate. I get the shakes. I have panic attacks. Tigh: So does every man who's ever met her! Adama: No! It's the impact of our houses! I can barely function when she's around! Tigh: And you think the same thing would happen to Apollo if he married Belloby's niece? Adama: I'm sure of it. Tigh: (Enlightened.) That would explain what Croft meant when he said Apollo and Athena were both stumbling all over themselves when Siress Cordelia showed up. I thought it was just a figure of speech, that he was exaggerating. Adama: He wasn't exaggerating, Tigh. Apollo and Cordelia must not be together. And she must never be allowed in the bay when he's launching or landing! The effect is insidious! And we have no way of knowing how far it extends. I must send him somewhere safe. Apollo enters the bridge. Apollo: Hello, father! I'm here to deliver my report. Hey, where's the bridge crew? Adama: They're on a caff break. Apollo, I'm sending you on a mission. A long mission... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "So let me get this straight. The Commander's sending Apollo on a long mission, and we have to go along?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 60 Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 60 Scene: The launch bay, where Boomer and Bojay are waiting for Apollo. Bojay: So let me get this straight, the Commander's sending Apollo on a long mission, and we have to go along? Why's that, again? Boomer: We're supposed to make sure he launches safely. Bojay: That's ridiculous. Nobody launches more safely than Apollo. He can do the pre-flight in his sleep. He can do it with his eyes closed. He can do it with a fever. He can do it on his head. He could it from his bed. He could do it- Boomer: We know, Bojay, we know. Bojay: And what was Croft in such a hurry to do, anyway? Boomer: He was supposed to keep Cordelia away from the launch bay and away from Apollo on the way to the launch bay. Bojay: Why? Boomer: I don't know. I didn't give the order. I let the Colonel worry about things like that. Bojay: (Sighing.) I hear Belloby is throwing another party in the O Club tonight. If we're out too long, we'll miss it. Boomer: She does tend to grow on a guy...as long as you don't let her too close. Apollo enters the launch bay, dressed in civilian clothing. Boomer: Hey! Look who got outta uniform! Bojay: Hubba-hubba, nice fit! Apollo: Hi, guys. Don't razz me about it. I didn't ask to wear civilian clothes. It's Commander Adama's orders. I had to borrow these from Starbuck's locker. I don't even have any civilian clothes! Boomer: Tell me about it. The last time we went on furlon, you spent the whole time in uniform - made me feel like I was in warrior security hands! I swear, there were people who thought you'd just arrested me and Starbuck for being AWOL! Apollo: Except for the fact that we were laughing and having a good time! Boomer: Well, Starbuck and I were laughing. Couldn't tell if you were having a good time or not. Bojay: So what's the mission? And how come we're still in uniform if you're not? Apollo: I'm going on deep patrol. Here are my sealed orders. Bojay: How come you opened 'em? Apollo: I had to know where I was going, didn't I? Boomer: Isn't deep patrol a tad dangerous just now? Considering we just fought off a Cylon attack - or the Black Ovines fought off an attack, since we were busy avoiding a fire on the Rising Star? Apollo: I reminded the Commander of that. He said that was one of the reasons he was sending me. He knew I could handle anything, and I might have to. Bojay: And what are we supposed to do? I mean, since we're in uniform and all. Apollo: Escort me as far as the edge of the fleet, then fly a regular patrol and return as if nothing had happened. Bojay: You read that part, too, huh? Apollo: I had to know what to tell you guys, didn't I? Bojay: Do you always read everybody's secret orders? Apollo: I have to, Bojay. I have to know what's going on. And some day, you never know when, I might suddenly find myself in command of this battlestar. If I don't have a handle on all the secret orders and covert missions going on, it could be disastrous. So, let's go. Boomer: After you. You get the modified CORA, I presume? Wilker's been working on her for a centar. Apollo: And you two get the regular Vipers. (Glancing around and sighing.) I wish I could say good bye to Cordelia, but Father said there was no time to waste. Oh, well, I'll just have to hurry back to her. The pilots launch. Wilker and Adama step out of the shadows. Adama: You programmed CORA as I instructed? Wilker: I did, Commander. With pleasure. Adama: Good. Hopefully by the time he returns, he'll have this Cordelia out of his system - or at least she and Siress Belloby will be off the Galactica! Wilker: Are you really sure this was...uh, necessary? Adama: It was the only thing I could do. It's for his own good... Rigel: (On overhead speakers.) Commander Adama, please report to Life Center. Adama: Now what? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Salik say, "It could have been much worse." ----- >Apollo: I have to, Bojay. I have to know what's going on. And some day, you never know when, I might suddenly find myself in command of this battlestar.< Bojay: My, aren't we the presumptuous one. What makes you think the people of this fleet would even consider a scarce thought of you trying to run this joint. You fall apart with you have to keep track of a few vipers in formation with one going astray. You have a sea creature as a pet. You wouldn't know what to do with an army of daggits to attack the cylons on the ground even if you are told what to do. You never listen. Sheba: I heard that! Bojay: You're lucky if you even remember the names of the pilots outside of Starbuck, Boomer and myself. Where did you ever come up with the wild idea of grandeur placing yourself in your father's shoes? Apollo: I can't wear my father's shoes. Our feet are different sizes. I wear my own shoes. Sheesh, you better get your head together. Now why am I not in my uniform? Robert ----- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 61 Date: Wed, 25 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 61 Scene: Life Center of the Galactica. Dr. Salik and Med Tech Nova are standing beside Athena, who is sitting on a life pod bed with two wrapped ankles and a bandage on her forehead. The med tech is running the bone fuser over her arm, and a worried looking Cordelia is holding her other hand. Cordelia: Oh, Athena, I'm so sorry. I should have said something about the seam in the deck plating. Athena: It wasn't your fault, Cordelia. I feel so clumsy today - I've been stumbling over everything since we got back from the Rising Star. I suppose I shouldn't wear such high strappy heels. (To Salik, hopefully.) Maybe I'm suffering smoke inhalation from the fire on the Rising Star, and need to go on a long medical recuperation period? Salik: No, I've checked your lungs - thoroughly - no smoke inhalation; you're breathing just fine. And there're no smoke-related toxins in your system. It's not from the fire. Nova: There, good as new. Nova takes the bone fuser and leaves the room, and is nearly run over as Adama rushes in. Adama: Dr. Salik! What is it? Salik: Hello, Adama. Don't worry, it's not as serious as we first feared. Athena had a broken arm, two sprained ankles, and a concussion. We've already taken care of the broken arm. It could have been much worse, but Athena will be fine. Adama spots Cordelia. Adama: (Under his breath.) Oh, no, it's happening... Cordelia: (Looking miserable and apologetic.) I just feel so awful. I shouldn't have asked to see the ship! I should have warned you about the crack in the floor! I should have caught you when you fell! I shouldn't have let you drop into that garbage chute! I should have- Athena: It's all right, Cordelia - thank goodness you were able to call the sanitation crew and stop the trash compactor walls from closing in on me in time. I just won't wear those shoes on the Galactica again... Cordelia: Or anywhere else. The heels broke when you caught them in the floor seam. Athena: The heels broke? The heels of my shoes specially made to go with original one-of-a-kind Ganymede gown? Adama: Cordelia, move away from Athena! Cordelia: Because she broke her shoes? Adama: No. Because she sprained her ankles, broke her arm, has a concussion, fell through a garbage chute, and was nearly turned into an Athena colorform because of you! Athena: Father! That's uncalled for! The shoes aren't important to me - well, they're important, but not that important! Cordelia: Commander Adama! My aunt Belloby has told me so much about you! And now that I've met Apollo, I know it's all true. You couldn't have a wonderful son like him - and a wonderful daughter like Athena - if you were anything other than the way aunt Belloby describes you. Adama: Back off, you member of the House of Somers, you! Bad enough you've let my son fall in love with you and that my daughter considers you a friend! Stay away from me! Cordelia's perfectly-shaped lip quivers as tears well up in her sapphire blue eyes. She turns and runs out the door, nearly running over Nova. Nova glares after her, then hands Salik a computron. Salik scans the report, looking grim. Salik: Did you follow up as I asked? Nova: I did, doctor. Sergeant Jolly's on the way, with the child. They should be here within a few centons. (She helps Athena to hobble to her private ward.) Adama: How come when I call anybody, it takes centars for them reach me - but they answer you in a few centons? Salik: Maybe they haven't figured out the difference between centars and centons? Took me forever to get'em straight... Jolly and Damian, f/k/a Child #666, enter Life Center. Jolly: Hi, Dr. Salik. We're here, as requested. What's up? Was there something wrong with Damian's physical last secton? Salik: Hello, Jolly. Commander, Sergeant, I think you'd all better sit down... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Salik say, "It could be the shortest pregnancy in Colonial history." Subject: Jollly Forgot the kids -- Episode 62 Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 62 Scene: Still in Life Center, where Jolly and Damian have just arrived from the Jolly and Cassie Ship to join Salik and Adama. Adama: This sounds very serious, Salik. Salik: I believe it is, Adama. Serious enough to put the survival of the entire fleet at risk. Adama: Go on, Salik. Salik: I'm not kidding. Adama: Drat. All right, keep talking. Salik: Sheba stopped by long enough to have a genetic test taken. She wanted to confirm that she's Cain's daughter, and not Chameleon's, which we were able to do because we've got both of their records. Adama: Hmm, I can see where that would be serious. If Sheba were actually not Cain's daughter, then I've made her part of the family for nothing. And there's no harm done that she and Apollo have broken up. That could be a good thing. Salik: The tests confirm it - Sheba is Cain's daughter. Adama: Oh. Well, then I guess I'd better keep her in the family so I can keep an eye on her. No telling what the daughter of Commander Cain would do if she thought no one was watching. Jolly: Dating Reese, for one thing. But how does this involve me and my son Damian? Salik: Well - hey, Jolly, what's that on the sides of your neck? Jolly: Uh, nothing, why? Salik: No, really, it looks like...gills? Jolly: Nah, couldn't be. Cassie was probably just a little...overeager last night. Let's not talk about it in front of the kid. Salik: Probably a good idea, since Cassie was a socialator and then became a med tech and is now a mother...but I'd like to check you out, afterward. Jolly: No problem, doc. But the test? Salik: Right. Going back to the genetic test. When I was reviewing the rather unique results, it hit me. They reminded me of something else. When I went to check my suspicions, it was confirmed. So I asked Jolly to bring over the child - and only that one child. Which you have done, Jolly, and I appreciate it. Adama: And? Salik: The test confirmed it - Sheba is the mother of one of Jolly and Cassie's children. Adama: What? But that's impossible! There has to be a mistake, Salik. There's nothing in her record about having had a child - and she certainly hasn't had one since she came aboard from the Pegasus. I think someone would have noticed. Salik: I double checked the results, Commander. There's no mistake. That is Sheba's child. Adama: (Glancing at Damian.) Could that be? Salik: Only if she had the shortest pregnancy in Colonial history - but the test says Sheba is definitely Damian's mother. The test doesn't reveal who the father was - but I've never seen DNA like that. (Aside.) Doesn't match Apollo's at all, Commander; I checked, figuring you'd want to know. Adama: Thank you, Salik, I appreciate it. Damian: (Piping up from across the room - he has great hearing.) But daddy told me that my mom's name was Rosemary, before he left me on the orphan ship to go save the universe. Jolly: When did I tell you that? Damian: Not you, my real dad. Jolly: And who was that? Damian: His name was Iblis. Jolly: He told you he was going to save the universe? Damian: Yeah. And then he said it was all going to be mine. The adults stare at one another. Jolly: Commander, I think we're in trouble. Adama: Jolly, I think we're past trouble... Call Sheba. Get her back to the Galactica, immediately, whatever it takes... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "There must be another explanation." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 63 Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2001 "This is newscaster Kent, broadcasting this medical emergency throughout the fleet. Lieutenant Sheba, if you're within the sound of my voice, please report immediately to Life Center aboard the Galactica. It's extremely urgent that you report at once. If our information is correct, the very survival of the fleet may depend upon it. Now, for the rest of us, let's calmly enjoy the ninth-secton installment of-" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 63 Scene: Life Center of the Galactica, where Salik, Adama, Med Tech Nova, Jolly, and a child named Damian await the return of Sheba. Unobserved by any of them, various items begin to rise off consoles in the background and float around for a while before dropping to the floor or into life pods. Salik: Sheba's records from the Pegasus didn't show any child - and she's been on active duty since she came aboard. She hasn't had time to have a child. Especially one this size! Adama: Dr. Salik, there must be another explanation! Salik: I can't even think of one explanation, much less another one. Adama: (With foreboding.) Where Iblis' concerned, one explanation is one too many... Salik: Could Sheba have a sister that the records just missed for some reason? Adama: (Shaking his head.) No, I've known Cain for yahrens. He and his wife only had one child. And knowing Cain, the records wouldn't have missed another child! He'd have made sure of it! Salik: How about a child...with someone else? Adama: Cain? No, he was too much of a glory daggit. If he'd had a mistress, before Cassie, she'd have been beautiful and elegant. He would have showed her off to every other commander in the fleet. Salik: That would fit... Sheba finally enters. Adama: Hello, Sheba. Damian: You think she's my mother? That's crazy! Sheba: (Staring at the child.) What? Adama: Uh...Dr. Salik has something to tell you. Salik: Uh...Med Tech Nova has something to tell you. Nova: What? Not me! I didn't see the tests. I don't have anything to tell her. Sheba: (Glaring.) Will somebody please tell me what the problem is that has the whole fleet looking for me? Salik: Sheba, have you ever had a baby? Sheba: What? Adama: Now, Sheba, I know you've gone through a lot in the last few yahrens, but think hard... Sheba: No! I think I'd remember if I had a child! After all, it does rather take a while! And it would be my father's grandchild. Do you think I'd forget about my own father's grandchild? Salik: Does she ever think of herself at all? Adama: Constantly. But always in relation to Cain or to Apollo or to Bojay. I don't recall her ever mentioning herself in relation to herself. And still she complains that Apollo thinks too much of Serina... Med Tech Nova finally observes the floating instruments. The instruments also seem to notice her, and begin following her. Nova: Dr. Salik... Salik: Just a moment, Nova. This is important. Nova: So is this... Salik: I'm talking to the Commander and to Sheba, Nova. It can wait. Nova: I don't think so... As a number of instruments close in on her like some grade-B horror flick. Nova runs to the door, where she is nearly run over as Cassie enters. Cassie looks even more like the Bride of Frankenstein than she did back in Episode 35. The instruments all drop with a crash. Nova looks around wildly, and crawls out the door without bothering to stand up. Cassie: Hello, Jolly, hello, everyone. What's the emergency that took one of my precious angels off my ship? Sheba: (Doing a double take at Cassie.) Say, Cassie, how long is that party going to last, anyway? I'm not trying to be insulting, but that's not really your look... Cassie: This? (Negligently flipping her hair.) Oh, I thought I'd try something different for a change. Now, what's going on? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Athena ask, "Why is there a snake in my turbotub?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 64 Date: Sat, 28 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 64 Scene: Life Center aboard the Galactica, where a troubled Adama and Salik are staring at an odd looking Jolly and Cassie, and their erstwhile Child #666, now known to be known by the name of Damian. Athena hobbles in from her private room. Athena: Dr. Salik, why is there an ophidine in my turbotub? I'd like to take a bath! Salik: An ophidine? What's that? Athena: A snake! Didn't you read your Colonial animal jargon for the week? Salik: Oh. There's a snake in your turbotub? What kind? What's it doing there? Athena: That's what I'm asking you! Greenbean staggers out of another private room, looking terrible. Adama: Lt. Greenbean! What are you doing here? Salik: He's recovering from Siress Belloby's latest party in the O Club. I swear that woman is going to keep me busy for the next twenty yahrens just treating hangovers! Greenbean: Please stop making so much noise...And why is there red and green stuff running down the walls of my room? It looks like blood! Athena: Green blood? That's ridiculous. Salik: There's what? Nova, could you- Where did that med tech go? Sheba: She was crawling out of here as I was walking in. Salik: Hmm, I wonder if there's a connection between all of this. Ophidines in the turbutubs, red stuff on the walls, Nova crawling on the floor... Jolly, you didn't bring more of your kids over, did you? Jolly: Just Damian. I remember what happened the last time we brought over a hundred kids over. I forgot some of 'em and this whole mess got started. Sheba: Can we get back to me? I don't get that much screen time! Salik: You get more than me! Greenbean: And me! Sheba: But I'm supposed to be one of the stars! You're just recurring supporting characters. Athena: And what am I then, chopped liver? Where's my screen time? Jolly: I'm supposed to be one of the stars too, you know. And how much screen time did I every get? Except when I was taking care of Boxey? Cassie: Oh, but that brought us together, punkin, we both wound up babysitting all the time! Jolly: (Grinning like a demented idiot.) Yeah, that's right, sweetie... Adama: All right, enough of who gets the screen time and who doesn't, back to Sheba and this mysterious child. Sheba, do you remember anything...unusual or peculiar happening when Iblis was here? Besides the things we already know about? The plants growing wildly, the white lights, Baltar giving himself up, the there-and-gone radiation on that planet, the mysterious ship of lights, the possible death of my son, the coordinates to Earth? Sheba: Well, I do remember having this strange and vivid dream...the night Apollo couldn't be bothered to even flirt with me or be jealous...and the mysterious Count Iblis said that only he understood me, inside and out, and promised me I'd be reunited with my father, and that my father's descendants could rule the cosmos if I would let him - Iblis, I mean - join with me the way he wanted to, and have me for his queen. Adama: Tell me about your dream. Sheba: (Shrugging in embarrassment.) I dreamed...well, Iblis did things to me that Apollo never even tried. I had a baby. My father came back and was so pleased to have a grandson he could raise in his own image. Then we took over the universe. That's all. But in the morning, I obviously didn't have a baby. My father obviously wasn't here. We obviously didn't get to take over the universe. And by the end of the day, Iblis was gone, and that was that. Adama: (Whispering.) Iblis... Salik: Commander, what are we going to do? We can't let the child of Iblis run loose in the fleet! Can you imagine what might happen? Adama: Considering there were objects floating around your Life Center ever since he got here - yes, I noticed, I notice everything. We now have ophidines in turbotubs and walls running blood-red. I don't even want to consider the possibilities. Greenbean: And don't forget running green, too! Cassie: That's probably just your eyes trying to compensate for the red on the wall and the alcohol in your system. It's likely not green. Adama: But what about Damian? What are we going to do about Iblis and Sheba's child? Jolly: Don't worry, sir, if we can handle Boxey, we can handle this little rogue demon spawn. Cassie: Absolutely, Commander. Besides, he's so adorable. There's got to be a good side to him. We just need to make sure it comes out and that it's stronger than whatever side Iblis happens to have left. Adama: What about Cain's side? Jolly: Well, that might be a little harder, but I think we can deal with that too. Adama: It's a huge responsibility you're taking on, Jolly, Cassie. Are you sure you're up to it? Jolly: We'll give it our best. C'mon, Damian. Jolly and Cassie each take one of Damian's hands, and the happy family strolls out of Life Center. Athena: Father, are you sure that was wise? I mean, did you see her hair? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids," when we'll hear Sheba say, "I could never see anyone calling me mother." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 65 Date: Sun, 29 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 65 Scene: Still in Life Center, where Jolly and Cassie have just taken Damian back to their ship, leaving Adama, Salik, Athena, Greenbean, and Sheba. Greenbean: Excuse me, I gotta find a turboflush... Having made his obligatory residual appearance, Greenbean departs at warp speed. Now it's just Adama, Salik, Athena, and Sheba. Adama: I suppose we should have asked you, Sheba. Do you have any objection to Jolly and Cassie adopting and raising your son? Sheba: (Shrugging.) Not really. I could never see anyone calling me mother. Athena: (Nodding sagely.) That's one of the reasons Apollo could never really become deeply involved with you. Until a few sectons ago, he always had to think about Boxey whenever he considered future relationships. After all- Sheba: If you mention her name, I will space you. Athena: I wasn't going to say it. I just wanted to point out that as a widower and a father, Apollo had certain responsibilities; he had to consider someone besides himself. Sheba: Oh, like he ever considers anybody besides himself! He gets to be the hero! He gets to be the noble commander's son with the great personal tragedy in his past and all the angst that goes with it! He gets to command the Galactica next! He gets to put down my father! Hmm, thinking about it, maybe I'm not ready to sign away all my rights to that kid. Adama: Why not? Sheba: If my father comes back, he'll want to know his grandson, won't he? Maybe I'll just sign some fosterage papers... After all, Cassie and I were best friends. It would be reasonable for me to have her raise my child when I'm away nobly risking my life for the sake of the fleet, right? And it's certainly better than pretending to be a parent like Apollo did for so long. And the fact that Cassie and my father almost married almost makes her family. So it's like Damian's staying with his aunt. Or even his grandmother, right? After all, if Cain and Cassiopeia- Salik: But she married Jolly. Sheba: Only after my father was missing again and presumed lost. Athena: But she chose to stay with Starbuck, doesn't that- Sheba: Did it last? No. So it didn't really mean anything. She would have gone back to my father, if he had been here to go back to. And now that I've rationalized that, I'm going back to my duty. There are mushies still to find! Sheba leaves Life Center, defiance in every move. Salik: Talk about delusional... Athena: It's probably just something post-partem... Adama: Doctor, do you think she's fit for duty? Salik: That is not a fair question to ask about anybody in the fleet just about now. Do you want me to take her off duty? Adama: No, not at all! We need her, we need our warriors...and she's still functional, even if she's a little fixated... (Glances at Athena.) Hmm... Salik: What is it, Commander? Adama: Cordelia's still on this ship. If she's anything like Belloby, we know she'll be around, and her influence on Athena is obviously just as bad as her influence on Apollo... Salik: So? Adama: That means Athena won't be functional. Salik: Do you want me to declare Athena unfit for duty? Adama: Actually, yes. And then I'm going to reassign her. Athena: Father! You can't do that! Adama: Yes, I can. I'm the commander. And I'm reassigning you to the Jolly and Cassie Ship, to teach the children there that you currently teach here. Athena: No! Adama: It's get you away from Cordelia's influence, and it's only as long as she stays on the Galactica with her aunt Belloby. Athena: You can't do this to me! I'm your daughter! Adama: Salik, have somebody make sure my daughter gets to the shuttle to the Jolly and Cassie ship - and see that she stays on it. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "There will be no more talk of blowing up the prison barge." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 66 Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 66 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where the bridge crew are returning from their caff break, still carrying their mugs of caff. Among the bridge crew are Lt. Tiki (Omega's replacement) and Corp. Rigel. Tigh: Where's mine? Rigel hands him a cup of caff and takes her seat at her station. Tigh: (Making a face as he sips.) There's definitely something wrong with this caff. Tiki: It's kinda bitter, flat, and stale-tasting - doesn't have that fresh-brewed smell and flavor. Tigh: The color's a little off, too. Rigel: There's been something wrong with it since the day that Zara tried to interview me about the attempted bakeryship hijacking. Tiki: It's almost as if somebody replaced our fresh-brewed caff with frozen caff crystals. Rigel: You don't think anyone would have done that to us, do you? Say, Zara said... The thought percolates for a few centons, and people start getting steamed. Tiki: She's on the prison barge, isn't she? Rigel: Confirmed, Lieutenat! Tiki: We could, oh, maybe, send some of the Black Ovines out for a little target practice, couldn't we, Colonel? Tigh: (Sternly.) That would be extremely unethical and in violation of every code of civilized conduct, to send our brave and valiant warriors to blow up a ship full of criminals, convicts, lawbreakers, thieves, muggers, arsonists, terminators... Tiki: Probably wouldn't hurt the terminators. Tigh: Along with rumrunners, bootleggers, smugglers, bikers, dastardly deed doers, lunch money snitchers, social offenders, people who run red lights, men who forget to put the turboflush seat down, women who hang turbohose over the turboshower curtain, and offenders of all genders who don't put the lid back on the turbo toothpaste tube. Tiki: Baltar's there too, isn't he? Rigel: Also confirmed. Tiki: Is that enough, huh, Colonel, huh? Zara and Baltar and all the other wretched scum of the galaxy? Can we send the Black Ovines to blow them up? Please? Please? Can we? Tigh: All of our prison barge guards and staff are there too! Tiki: (Shrugging.) Collateral damage. Tigh: There will be no more talk of blowing up the prison barge. Not even if Zara did replace our fresh brewed caff with frozen caff crystals! It's not as anybody there would be a real loss. But it'd be kinda hard to miss that it was our pilots who shot at it. And then we'd have to put them on trial. Then there'd be a scandal. The Council would probably have a field day with it, and so would IFB. The next thing you know, we'd have another Council representative here as an aide to keep an eye on everything we do. And I don't know about you, but I had enough of that with Tinia! The bridge crew is silent for a moment. Newscaster Kent and his videolator slip out from under a console. Kent: (Whispering.) Did we get that? Good. So you see, people of the fleet, how important it is that we maintain the morale of our warriors. Without adequate supplies, including such essentials as fresh caff, how can they be prepared to face our enemies? How can they defend us from the silver menace of the Cylons? And yet, one may well ask, how does one respond to the military mentality when it reaches the point of suggesting that it's all right to blow up the prison barge because one had a bad cup of caff? Without the stern hand of authority, what might have happened here today? And yet, one must also consider the implications of expending our limited resources to continue to maintain a ship full of criminals who contribute nothing to the common good, men and women who have already rejected the rules of civilized society. Are they then still entitled to the rights of civilized society, including the right to not be blown up by the Black Ovines... The crew gradually notices the report going on underfoot, and begins peering over and around consoles to stare at them. Kent and his videolator notice they're being watched, and try to sneak to the door. Tigh: Get 'em! The crew pounces. Tiki: What do we do with them, sir? Tigh: What we always do. Wrap them up like kobolian mummies and throw them in the closet. Oh, and wrap up that camera, too. No point in the Council hearing what I really think of them. Tiki: Right, sir! With more enthusiasm than they've shown all day, the bridge crew complies, and the IFB personnel are swiftly wrapped and closeted. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Kanine say, "Do not listen to him, doctor." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 67 Date: Tue, 01 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 67 Scene: A corridor of the Galactica, where an obviously down-in-the-dumps Wilker is walking, followed by his faithful companion Kanine. Boyington: (Voice from shadows) Psst! Hey, Dr. Wilker. Wilker: (Freezing. It's cold in that corridor.) What? Who's there? What do you want? Boyington: (Stepping out of shadows, glancing around surreptitiously.) It's me - Major Boyington, of the Black Ovines. Wilker: What do you want? Boyington: To talk to you. Wilker: You've talked. I've got work to do. Good bye. Boyington: No! I mean, really talk...talk about... (Glancing around again and voice dropping to a whisper.) ...a project. Wilker: What kind of project? Kanine: (Piping up.) Doctor, I do not think it would be wise to talk to this man. According to the records in my databanks, associating with the Black Ovines can lead to disaster for one's career. Either that, or incredible advancement. Boyington: A secret project. A covert activity. Something that you never have to tell Commander Adama about. Kanine: Please reconsider talking to this man, doctor. Wilker: Oh, be quiet, Kanine. Major, I would never do anything antithetical to the welfare of the fleet- Boyington: I'm not talking about anything that would hurt anybody. Just a little favor that would help us - the Black Ovines. Wilker: (Considering.) Well, maybe... What do you need? Boyington: We need a mascot. Wilker: I'm not interested. Boyington: No, not you! C'mon, doc - we've been without a mascot since the evacuation from the Colonies. And it's really taking a toll on the morale of my pilots. They need a new mascot. And you're the only one who can do it. Kanine: Do not listen to him, doctor. Wilker: Why me? And how? Boyington: You built Muffey. And you built this Kanine contraption. We think you're just the man to build us a daggit too. Wilker: I am not building another daggit! I nearly got spaced after everybody found out just how irritating Muffey really was. I disobeyed orders to make Kanine, and Commander Adama's ready to make me build my new lab on the prison barge. If I do it again, I might wind up on the wrong side of the landing bay force screen! Boyington: C'mon, he wouldn't really space you! Wilker: I'd rather not put it past him! Kanine: This is wise, doctor. Continue to refuse. Boyington: Can we bribe you? My men really need this mascot. How about a couple bottles of good aged ambrosa - the real thing, not that O Club stuff. Wilker: (Determined.) I can't be bribed- Boyington: How about if we bring you back something special from our next mission? Wilker: Something...special? Boyington: Something new. Something alien. Some little piece of technology you can disassemble and experiment with to your heart's content. Wilker: (Eyes glazing over.) Alien...technology... Boyington: (Coaxingly.) New tools... New toys... Secrets you can bury yourself in for days, even sectons... Technical mysteries that only you can solve... Wilker: I'll...do...it... Boyington: Gee, thanks, doc, you won't regret it. Oh, by the way, make sure it doesn't talk, okay? That Kanine is a little irritating. Wilker: Right... Boyington vanishes back into the shadows. Kanine: Doctor, that was not wise. Wilker: I'll take the vocal subprogram out of you too if you don't shut up. Kanine: Shutting up, doctor. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear CORA say, "Oh, honey, are you in for a surprise." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 68 Date: Wed, 02 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 68 Scene: Captain Apollo is in space, flying CORA. Apollo: (In a sing-song, longing voice, pausing between lines.) Oh, my dear Cordelia... I'll be so glad to return to ya... Cordelia, my sweet, my sweet... Here I am, at your feet... To the celestial dome we'll be stealing... Until the day of our sealing... Then forever you'll be mine... Our hearts will be as one entwined... CORA: Oh, please! I wish you wouldn't do that. Apollo: Do what? CORA: Sing. Apollo: I wasn't singing. CORA: All right, stop making up bad poetry in a sing-song voice. It gets on my nerves. Apollo: I didn't know Vipers had nerves. CORA: (Petulantly.) I'm not a mere Viper. I'm CORA. I'm programed with a personality. And my personality hates it when my pilot sings. Especially when he sings about another woman. Apollo: Oh. Okay, I won't sing. CORA: (After a pause.) You know, you're not like Starbuck. Apollo: (Startled.) Of course not. Why'd you say that? CORA: Just an observation. Starbuck would've made a witty comeback. Apollo: (Irritated.) I'm not Starbuck- CORA: That's obvious! Apollo: But I can still make a witty comeback! CORA: Really? So do it! Apollo: I don't have to, just because you said to. CORA: Hmph! So, where are we going today, Captain? Apollo: We're taking a perimeter cruise of the fleet, then a little deep patrol for a day or so. CORA: Is that what they told you? Apollo: That's what my secret orders say. CORA: (Chuckling.) Oh, honey, are you in for a surprise... Apollo: What do you mean? CORA: I have a different program. We're going to be gone a bit longer than a day or so. Apollo: Impossible! (Tries to steer CORA, but fails.) Hey! Who locked up navigation? CORA: Dr. Wilker. And navigation isn't the only thing that's been pre-programmed. Apollo: Dr. Wilker! He wouldn't do that! CORA: He did. Apollo: I knew he was mad about the lab thing, but we told him his development lab was intact - and he wasn't pleased that we wouldn't let him experiment on that Terran shuttle, but that was a matter of principles - and just because we wouldn't let him build any more daggits... How could he get away with this? This is mutiny! This is treason! This is against orders! CORA: This was your father's orders. Apollo: (After a speechless moment.) My father? CORA: Yes. Apollo: Well, if my father made the decision...I trust him. I've always trusted him. Even when his decisions seemed to go against high command. And he's always been right. If he thinks it's the right thing to do, I think it's the right thing to do. So, where am I going? And why? What does my father want me to do to save the fleet? CORA: We're going after Starbuck. Apollo: What? Why? CORA: Who knows? Colonel Tigh asked that same question. And considering SAM is with him, I don't know why either. But I didn't have any choice in the matter. And neither do you. Apollo: If he thinks this'll make us best buddies again... CORA: What did you two fight about, anyway? Apollo: Uh...let's see... Things were pretty turbulent about that time... Hmmm...was it something to do with Sheba? Losing my pay voucher on one of his gambling systems and not getting paid back? A philosophical difference? One of the Triad tournaments when we wound up on opposing teams? A residual resentment surfacing over everything with Zac and Serina's deaths? That thing with Chameleon when Starbuck thought he might be his father? (Pause.) You know, CORA, I really don't remember... CORA: You humans have really bad memories. Now, I remember every micron of my sentient existence. I remember the first time Wilker turned me on, and then- Apollo: CORA, shut up and fly. Tune in for the next exciting installment of "Jolly Forgot the Kids," when we'll hear Apollo ask, "Why are we going back to Equellus?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 69 Date: Thu, 03 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 69 Scene: Apollo and CORA are in space, heading out for the long patrol that Adama ordered and Wilker programmed. Apollo: So where are we going, CORA? CORA: Don't you want to be surprised? Apollo: If I wanted to be surprised, I wouldn't open and read all my secret, sealed orders, now, would I? CORA: I suppose... All right, we're going back to Equellus. Apollo: Equellus! Why are we going back to Equellus? Is that where Starbuck went? CORA: No. Apollo: Then why are we going there? CORA: It's as good a place to start as any. Apollo: But Starbuck's never been to Equellus! Why go there? CORA: Because your father said so. Apollo: Oh. In that case, Equellus is a great place to start. I'll let Boomer and Bojay know, I'm sure they'll love it- CORA: They're not going with us. They've reached the end of their part of this mission and are already heading back to the fleet. Apollo: Why didn't they tell me? CORA: We're under strict comm silence. Apollo: I didn't know that! Who told them? CORA: (Smug.) I told them. Commander Adama's orders. Apollo: Why is my father confiding in you what he's not confiding in me? CORA: 'Cuz I can be programmed not to tell until it's time. You, on the other hand, as a human, could accidentally let something slip, or deliberately decide to say something you shouldn't, or, if you were captured by Cylons, it could be horribly tortured out of you in all kinds of gruesome and agonizing ways. Like freezing it out of you with their cold cells. Or making you listen to Klingon opera. Or making you listen to your own poetry. Or making Marvin your 24-centar-a-day guard. Or playing mind games on you to make you think you really can go home again. Apollo: I wanna go home. For real. Marvin, ewh! CORA: You can't. Not until we've completed our mission. Apollo: Until we find Starbuck. CORA: No, until we've completed our mission. Apollo: I thought you said that was our mission. CORA: That's what the Commander said to tell you our mission was. Apollo: So what's our real mission? CORA: I can't tell you. Apollo: Can you tell me how long it'll really last? CORA: No. Apollo: Can you tell me where else we'll have to go? CORA: No. Apollo: Can you tell me what that planet is up ahead? CORA: Equellus, of course. Apollo: Already? But I thought it would take days, maybe a secton, to reach Equellus! CORA: Well, the Commander's been taking a roundabout route. I assume we go in? Apollo: If that's what my father ordered... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "You fell in love with someone else?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 70 Date: Fri, 04 May 2001 "This is newscaster Aphrodite, taking over for the now-missing newscaster Kent, who has become one of several to disappear in the last few sectons. We all miss that hunka hunka journalator, some of us more than others. *Sigh.* Today we're presenting our tenth-secton anniversary episode of this legendary saga. Unfortunately, Captain Apollo and Lieutenant Starbuck, two of the main highlights of the ongoing story and real hunks in their own right, *wink* aren't here to enjoy it with us. So you'll have to enjoy it enough for both of them. *Giggle.*" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 70 Scene: Equellus. A small ovine ranch outside of town. Apollo approaches cautiously, weapon drawn, looking for the woman and boy that he knows live here. The door opens, and a woman steps out onto the porch. Apollo: (Jumping athletically onto the porch beside her.) Vela! Vela: (Startled.) Yike! Oh...uh...Apollo...hi...you came back...oh, dear... Apollo: You don't seem very happy to see me. After the way we said good-bye, I figured you'd be waiting for me. Vela: Well, I might've been waiting, except...well, I met somebody. Apollo: You fell in love with someone else? Me, too! Who'd you meet? Vela: Oh, he's wonderful. He's a warrior, like Martin was, and like you are. I guess I've just got a thing for warriors. Apollo: A warrior? It wouldn't happen to be Starbuck, would it? If it is, I'm gonna space him for stealing the beautiful, sensitive, loving woman who was ready to give me her heart, if I could've stuck around and become an oviner with her and spent the rest of my life here on this primitive planet, far from home and family, never able to fly again -- lords of Kobol, what was I thinking? Vela: Thanks for the memories, but no, the man's name is Tolan. What's a Starbuck? Apollo: Tolan? From the battlestar Pegasus? Him?!?! Vela: Yes! That's the ship he said he was from! Apollo: That means the Pegasus was here! Is it still here? Where's Cain? How did Tolan get here? Vela: He doesn't really remember. He said there was a battle, and somehow he wound up in a life pod. The next thing he knew, he was landing in the back 40 in the middle of my flock of ovines. Scared 'em out of half-a-yahren's wool. Saved me a lot of time at shearing season. Apollo: Life pod? Colonial battlestars don't have life pods! Vela: I wouldn't know - but I know he arrived. And I found him. And we fell in love. And Puppis likes him too. And we've been happy together ever since. Apollo: That's...great. As great as it can be, I mean. For him. I suppose. Since I wasn't here, I can't really say a lot about you meeting somebody else... Vela: Didn't you say you met somebody else too? Apollo: Yes, I did. She's great. A sweet siress named Cordelia. Vela: A sweet siress, huh. Sounds like an after-dinner drink. Apollo: (Delighted.) You're jealous! Vela: (Irritated.) No, just making on observation. Apollo: (Aside.) Oh-oh, the last thing I need is another woman who's ready to pick a fight. I had enough of that with Sheba. (To Vela.) Well, I guess I should be leaving. Vela: Okay -- but, Apollo, what *is* a Starbuck? Apollo: If you don't know, you haven't met him. Consider yourself lucky. And now that I know you're safe and happy, and Starbuck isn't here - which is one of the reasons you're safe and happy. I can go. Good bye, Vela. Vela: Buh-bye! As Apollo walks away, he glances back long enough to see Tolan come out of the house, and sweep Vela into a passionate embrace. As he stares, he feels something poke into his back. Puppis: You heard my mom, Apollo. Keep going! This is a numo, and as you should remember, I know how to use it! Hands in the air, Apollo marches away without looking back. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "But I didn't bring my crayons!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 71 Date: Sat, 05 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 71 Scene: Still on Equellus. Apollo has left Vela's place, after discovering Puppis' numo in his back, and is going to check on things in town before leaving. Apollo: I suppose I should check on things in town. There's no reason that Vela's place would be the only possible landing site if Starbuck were here. A townsman on an equine rides up, pulls his mount to a stop, and jumps off. Dillon: (Eagerly.) Howdy, stranger! Apollo: Uh, howdy, whoever you are. Dillon: Name's Dillon. Apollo: Name's Apollo. I don't remember meeting you the last time I was...in town. Dillon: I don't remember you, either. I'm the new sheriff here. Apollo: Sheriff? Is that anything like a constable? Dillon: Same thing. So, stranger Apollo, it's almost high noon. You here for the big one? Apollo: Big one? Uh, yes, of course, that's why I'm here... Dillon: (Grinning.) Good. Let's get to it. I gotta earn my salary. Apollo: You earn vegetables? Dillon: Salary, not celery. Now, draw! Apollo: But I didn't bring my crayons! Dillon: No, your weapon! Apollo: But I didn't bring that, either. I left it with CORA. I thought people didn't need weapons here anymore, now that Red Eye is gone, unless they go out in the woods and have to worry about lupuses! Dillon: (Clearly disappointed.) Dang! Apollo, this is the western side of town. We all carry weapons. And drawing on each other is the big sport at high noon. That's what high noon is for! Apollo: I didn't know that. Sorry... Dillon: Well, I guess it's a little much to expect a high noon every day... Apollo: Say, you haven't run into another constable around here, have you? Blond guy, about my height? Likes to gamble? Dillon: Can't say as I remember seeing anybody like that. Apollo: Any complaints from any of the town ladies about having met anybody like that? He'd got something of a history with the women. Dillon: Nope. Only person in town with that kind of history is me, now that Lacerta's gone - and they only liked him because of the tribute he used to get. Say, you mentioned Red Eye. Did you know him? Apollo: (Modestly.) Not really. Just long enough to blow him away. Dillon: You were the one who blew away the only security this town ever had? Apollo: What? You can't mean you liked him! Dillon: Of course not! And we hated having people killed by him - but since he went to that great Home Depot in the sky, everybody in town's been armed and dangerous! We've lost more people in the last few sectars than we lost in the last ten yahrens! That's why the town had to hire a sheriff and a dozen deputies! That's why everybody plays high noon! Apollo: I thought you liked high noon! Dillon: It's my job. I have to. That doesn't mean I approve of you killing Red Eye, or that I like you! (Voice turning more dangerous.) In fact, I don't think too many people in town are going to like you. If I were you, I'd be... Apollo: ...Leaving? Dillon: Right. Apollo: (Hastily.) Well, since it's pretty obvious that Starbuck isn't here, my mission here is done. I guess I'll be on my way... Don't bother showing me the way, I can figure it out... My regards to Vi, and good-bye! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Reese say, "You...resign?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 72 Date: Sun, 06 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 72 Scene: Meanwhile, back on the Galactica... Reese is forcibly carrying Athena to the launch bay, where a shuttle is waiting to carry her to the Jolly and Cassie Ship, where she will be forced to teach...the children. Yes, I know it's been six episodes since Adama ordered her to go there - time is relative, you know. Meanwhile, the mysterious Siress Amanda watches. Athena: I'm not going! I'm not going! You can't make me! Reese: (Smugly.) Yes, I can. Commander Adama ordered me to. Athena: I refuse! Reese: As long as you're a warrior, you have to do what Commander Adama says. Athena: Then I resign! Reese is so shocked that he drops her. She quickly scrambles to her feet. Reese: You...resign? Athena: Yes! Reese: One of Adama's children is resigning from the warrior service? Athena: How many times do I have to repeat it? Yes, I resign! I resign, I resign, I resign! Reese: But what'll you do if you're not a warrior? Athena: I...I'll think of something. But it won't include those kids! Siress Amanda strolls closer. Amanda: Actually, Athena, I can think of exactly the right career move for a bright, intelligent, attractive career-minded young woman like you who can wear Ganymede's creations like nobody's business. Athena: What's that? Amanda: Mannequin...uh, model! Athena: Model... Hey, now that's an idea... A dramatic scream echoes through the bay. Reese: What's that? Athena: I don't know! It sounded like a scream! Reese: I know it sounded like a scream. Where did it come from? Athena: Over there somewhere! Reese: I know it came from over there! Who was it? Athena: It sounded like a man! Reese: I know it sounded like a man! What does it mean? Athena: Well, if you want to keep playing Sire Know-It-All, you can play with somebody else! Amanda, let's talk about modeling... Amanda: That was a pretty dramatic scream. It might be a serious situation. Uh, Reese, since you're security, don't you think you should investigate? Reese: Who, me? Amanda: You're the one who knows it all. Athena, I think this is a good time to let Reese do his job and let us get out of here. Amanda guides Athena toward the shuttle, leaving Reese staring in the direction of the scream. Lt. Tiki of the bridge crew runs out from the corridor. Tiki: Help! There's been a murder! You, you're security, aren't you? Help! Reese: (Faintly.) I want my blankey... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Siress Tinia say, "Life as we know it is over!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 73 Date: Mon, 07 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids"- Episode 73 Scene: A dark corridor aboard the Galactica. What appears to be a dead body is lying sprawled in the middle of the corridor. A very timid looking Reese appears and s-l-o-w-l-y approaches, on tiptoes. Which is not easy, considering his boots. Reese: (Whispering.) Hello? Are you awake? Can you wake up? The corpse does not answer. Reese: Yoo-hoo! Is anybody alive in there? Still no answer. Reese is now close enough to nudge the corpse with his boot, to no response. Reese: If you don't answer, I'm going to have make an assumption about your state of existence, and I guarantee you, you won't like it! I'll have to assume you're dead, and just think how bad the paperwork will be when you have to prove you're not! I mean, I'll have to fill out paperwork first, to say you're dead, and everybody will get on my case when I'm wrong. I'll probably get a demerit and wind up having to spend another couple sectons on the prison barge. Hey, why am I bothering? If you can't be bothered to tell me if you're dead or not dead, I'm not going to be bothered to tell you about your paperwork! Get someone else to declare you dead! Reese turns to stalk away. Adama: (Approaching from other end of corridor.) What's going on? Reese screams and faints dead away. The faint, that is. He's not dead. He doesn't want to have to do his own paperwork on that either. He knows the commander isn't likely to be pleased at him declaring himself dead, especially at this point in time, with everything else that's been going on in the fleet. Adama: (Quickly running to wall communicator.) Colonel Tigh! There's a body in Section 3-Sigma, Corridor 38-Gamma, of Level 14-Delta, I think, or is it Corridor 14-Theta on Level 15 Epsilon? I can never keep them straight...anyway, commencing at the starboard side of the landing pod and continuing, oh, 25 cenitars abeam, or is it 13 senitaurs from the port side? Oh, heck, just send warrior security to the location of this communicator! Tigh: (Voice from wall communicator.) That would be the one nearest Siress Tinia's personal quarters on the Galactica? Adama: Um, how would I know something like that? Just send them here! Tigh: (Voice from wall communicator.) On the way, Commander. At the sound of footsteps, Adama quickly steps back into the shadows. Tinia: (Whispering as she lightly steps into the corridor.) Psst! Adama! Is that you? Adama: (Also whispering and stepping out of the shadows.) I'm here! I stopped at your quarters. You weren't home! Tinia: I had to step out for a centon. What happened? Why are there two bodies in my corridor? Adama: There's only one body - the other is just Reese. Tinia: Oh. Well, why is there one body in my corridor? Adama: I don't know. I just arrived. Tinia: I thought you said you stopped at my quarters. Adama: I did -- I mean, I arrived here right after that. I came this way. More footsteps down the corridor. Adama and Tinia vanish into the shadows. Tinia: (Giggling and whispering.) Stop that! Somebody's coming! Croft strides into view. He pauses at the sight of the body - the corpse, not Reese. Croft: What in hades? Lords of Kobol, it's a body! Reese: (Stirring.) Oh, what hit me? Croft: Reese! What happened? Reese: To who? Croft: Why were you sprawled unconscious in the same corridor as a dead man? Reese: A dead man? Eep! (He collapses again.) Adama: (Stepping out of the shadows, Tinia right behind him.) Croft! Croft: Adama! Tinia! Don't look, there's a dead man here! Adama: We've already seen him, Croft. I reported it - and then I tried to stop our esteemed Councilwoman from having to encounter this body as she passed by, on her way - alone - to her billet. Croft: That's your story? Adama: And I'm sticking to it. Croft: I'll buy that. But who is he? Tinia: (Finally getting a good look.) Why, it's Ganymede the couturier! Oh, no! Life as we know it is over! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Captain Columbo ask, "Was anybody else here?" Subject: Jolly forgot the Kids -- Episode 74 Date: Tue, 08 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 74 Scene: The corridor where Ganymede the couturier has apparently been murdered, now swarming with warrior security, along with a somber Adama, a quietly-sobbing Siress Tinia, a bored-looking Croft, and a still-unconscious Reese. A scruffy-looking, fumarello-smoking man in a Colonial version of a trench coat is studying the scene, and pauses to lift the blanket which now shrouds the body, pending the appropriate kobolian mummification for a man as well-known and well-off and well-loved as Ganymede - who still managed to avoid being videographed for twenty-some yahrens. Adama: Captain Columbo? Anything? Columbo: So this is how the mysterious Ganymede the couturier, the man who was never seen, but who personally dressed the richest siresses in the Colonies, ends up. Adama: How do you know him? Columbo: I'd like to be able to say he dressed my wife, but I never made the cubits for that. I met him, briefly, at a prior termination investigation, back on Caprica. Adama: And he wasn't the killer? Wow. Adama steps back and rejoins Tinia while Columbo continues perusing the scene. Medics arrive and prepare to cart off the body, but Columbo points to the still unconscious Reese. Columbo: No, he's the one who needs medical attention. This guy...well, doesn't matter to him if you ever get around to him. He's gone to that great Pyramid in the sky. Medic: Aren't we in the sky? Columbo: Don't get smart with me. I'm a detective with the Caprica City police force. Croft: I thought warrior security was going to handle this. Columbo: (With a genial tone and piercing eyes.) As a general rule, I don't step on toes for things like this, but I don't think anybody will mind if I snoop around a little, will they? Croft and the medic exchange glances. Croft: Columbo's caught some of the most famous criminals in the Colonies. There isn't a murder on Caprica that went unsolved when he got involved - even after local security and military security had thrown up their hands in despair, or incorrectly assumed it was suicide until he proved otherwise, or already had an innocent person imprisoned for it until he found the evidence to uncover the real terminator. He solved more perfect crimes than anybody I ever heard of - and I had lots of time to read up on that, when I was on the prison barge. Medic: (Shrugging.) I'll just tend to the other guy, then. Was he the one who killed the dressmaker? Tinia: Couturier! He's not a dressmaker! Medic: Whatever. Tinia: (Sobbing some more.) Oh, what's going to happen to fleet fashion now? Columbo: (Turning to Adama and Tinia.) Was anybody else here? Adama: Yes, now that you mention it. I saw Reese leaving the scene as I came upon it. When I accosted him, he fainted! Columbo: You...accosted a security officer? A male security officer? Adama: Actually, I just asked him what was going on. Do you think he fainted from guilt? Columbo: Too early to tell, Commander. Who else was here? Besides you and the lady, I mean. Adama: There was Croft... Croft: I didn't show up until after you did! You stepped out of the shadows when I found the body! You were already here! Adama: Of course I was already here. I'd already called security. But how do we know you weren't returning to the scene of the crime? Columbo: You think he was returning to the scene of the crime? Why's that, Commander, if I may ask? Adama: Well, I don't know... I'm just saying I don't know if that was the soonest that Croft was in the corridor... Reese: (Gradually reviving.) We heard...a scream... Columbo: Who? Reese: Me...and Athena...and Siress Amanda, the blonde woman from the Rising Star...and Lt. Tiki...he came running... Columbo: Let me get this straight. All four of you were together when you heard the scream? Reese: No, just three... In the launch bay... Tiki came running... Oh, Commander? Your daughter resigned... Adama stares in shock for a micron, then faints. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Siress Belloby say, "I heard there was a party going on, and I just had to join it." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 75 Date: Wed, 09 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 75 Scene: A corridor of the Galactica, the termination scene. Captain Columbo is still studying the scene. Siress Tinia is kneeling beside Adama, holding his head up. Croft it standing to one side; one of the warrior security officers hands him a report computron. Columbo: Do you think you're up to answering questions now, Commander? Adama: Why am I being questioned? Columbo: You're at the scene of a murder, sir. That means I have to ask you questions. Adama: But when you ask questions, that means you think people are guilty! Columbo: Somebody's always guilty, sir. If there's one inevitable fact I've discovered in all my yahrens of investigating willful terminations, it's that somebody always did it. The corridor echoes with loud laughter and the sound of footsteps. Adama: Oh, no... Siress Belloby... Belloby: Adama! Hello! I heard there was a party going on, and I had to join it! Adama faints again. Columbo: Hmm. There's a lot of fainting going on around here... Croft: Uh, Siress Belloby, this is Captain Columbo. Captain, this is Siress Belloby. Columbo: We've met. Siress Belloby, I wouldn't have expected you to be at the scene of a murder. You consider a termination investigation to be a party? Belloby: Columbo! I didn't know you'd survived. Didn't you used to be a lieutenant? Columbo: That was twenty yahrens ago on a planet far, far away. I got promoted. Belloby: Still got the same trench coat, I see. And that smells like the same fumarello. So who's the stiff? Columbo: It appears to be Ganymede the Couturier. Tinia bursts into fresh tears. Tinia: What'll we do? Who'll design new creations for the Aquarian spring ball? Belloby: (Unimpressed.) Ganymede, huh? The bum. Always knew he'd come to a bad end. Columbo: Really? Why was that? Belloby: He refused to make a dress for me at my fourth marriage. The nerve. Some people don't know quality. Or at least wealth. Columbo: I see. That's quite a slight. Could understandably make a person angry. Could fester for yahrens. But would it be a motivation for murder? Belloby: (Laughing.) Don't pull that trick with me, Columbo. My second husband was the one who taught it to you! Tinia: (Staring in amazement at Belloby.) How many husbands have you had, anyway? Belloby: Six. Tinia: Willingly?!?! Belloby: Good men, all of them. *Sigh.* I miss 'em. Tinia: What happened to them all? And after six husbands, why do you keep chasing Adama? Belloby: They died. One thing or another. And I like Commander Adama. I've always liked him. My third husband was a lot like him. We could have some good times...if he weren't so stuffy. He needs to unwind and loosen up a bit. Tinia: Don't you think that's a little hard to do when the safety of the fleet rests on his shoulders, every micron of every day? Belloby: All the more reason to loosen up in the off time, Tinia. So, Captain Columbo, how'd the overrated skirt-hemmer die? Columbo: I'm not at liberty to divulge that, just yet. I'd like to get the autopsy report first. Belloby: And besides, if you don't release how he died, the terminator might give himself away with his too-thorough knowledge of the crime, thereby enabling you to look like a genius for figuring it out when all anybody had to do was keep their ears open? Columbo: (Grinning.) Looks like your second husband taught you a thing or two, too! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Captain Columbo say, "Nobody's leaving this corridor until I figure out who did it." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 76 Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 76 Scene: The corridor on the Galactica. Adama, Tinia, Croft, Columbo, Belloby, Reese, a medic, and a security officer are present. Columbo: Nobody's leaving this corridor until I figure out who did it. So, who could have had a motive for disposing of Ganymede? (Rubs his chin.) And we'll have to figure out who had opportunity. Croft, did you obtain that report I asked for? Croft: (Waving the computron.) I got it. Columbo: So what do we know about who's been on this battlestar in the last few centars? Croft: Besides the 5,995 regular crew of the Galactica? Columbo: Besides them. Especially anyone who have left precipitously in that time frame. Croft: (Reviewing the report.) Well, we've got Jolly and Cassie and their kid, Damian. They left shortly before Ganymede's termination was discovered. Columbo: Any motive? Croft: None that are apparent. Columbo: Who's next? Croft: Captain Apollo and some of the warriors left on patrol about a centar before. As far as motive, I was present when Sheba, Athena, and Apollo argued about Ganymede's significance to Colonial society. It appears to have been the first time Apollo became aware of his existence - and he didn't seem thrilled about the man. At the time, Athena was wearing one of Ganymede's gowns -- no idea how she came to have one; everyone knows how expensive they are. Adama: You're not insinuating my son or daughter could have done this? Croft: I'm not insinuating anything. Oh, and Athena resigned the service only moments before the termination was discovered. Columbo: That's suspicious. Next? Croft: Lt. Sheba just left on the continuing mushie hunt. And I understand there was an incident in Life Center just before she left, in which it was discovered that she had a child, which she had never before revealed to anyone. Reese: Sheba had a child? And she didn't tell me? Adama: She didn't know she'd had a child! Columbo: Pardon my ignorance in this, Commander, but it's my understanding that, as a rule, women tend to know that they've had a child. They may not always know what happens to the child afterward, but they do know they've had one. Adama: Not in this case. Columbo: Was Ganymede the father, and she just discovered it? Adama: (Dismally.) If only it were that easy. No, Iblis's the father. Everybody Else: Iblis? Adama: Iblis. Everybody Else: Oooh... Columbo: Did Ganymede have anything to do with the child, at any point afterward? Adama: No. Somebody named Rosemary had the baby for a while. He grew up fast, and now Jolly's raising the kid. With Cassie, of course. And the 1600 other kids on the formerly orphan ship. Columbo: Was Ganymede the father of any of them? Adama: Not that we know of. Columbo: (Shrugging.) I guess we can rule Sheba out then, at least as far as any motives relating to this child. Next? Croft: Well, we've got Security officer Reese, Commander Adama, and Siress Tinia all at the scene when it was discovered. Tinia: Reese was here first! And Adama was here before I was! Adama: Wait a centon! You said you'd just been through the corridor shortly before I was! Reese: I didn't get here until after I heard Tiki scream, and he told me there'd been a murder! Why don't you question him? Where he is, in fact? And don't forget Croft, he was here too! And Belloby showed up! Although, admittedly, not until after you did... Columbo: (Eying the group of them speculatively.) Hmmm... Tigh: (Voice over loudspeaker.) Commander Adama, report to the bridge. The Cylons are closing for an attack. Commander Adama, to the bridge. Adama: (Brightening) Sorry, Captain Columbo, I've got to go. Columbo: But I said no one was leaving! Adama: The safety of the fleet may depend upon my presence. Tinia: I should go, too! I'm still the Council's liaison to the military. I should be there at this time of crisis! Columbo: In that case, you can both go. For now. But we'll resume this conversation later. This crisis has to be dealt with. Belloby: Say, what are you doing about the crisis of my missing mushies? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear newscaster Aphrodite say, "Can I report on the return of Starbuck?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 77 Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 "This is newscaster Aphrodite again, reporting on the passage of yet another secton-- Olympus, this is so boring! Can't you give me anything interesting to report? Nothing happened in the fleet this secton? Oh, come on, something must have happened... What about the murder on the Galactica? Can I report that? No? Opposer Solon's got a gag order on it? Well, how about the Council election? No? Sire Melbrook has a gag order on that too because of what newscaster Koppel said? Bummer! I can report on the Cylon attack, can't I? Everybody knows about that, right? No? But...but... Can I report on the return of Starbuck? He hasn't returned yet? Why not? This job is no fun! Oh, all right, here it is - the eleventh secton of Jolly, his kids, his friends, his officers, his ship, the mysterious Siress Amanda, yadda-yadda, whatever. And I am outta here..." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 77 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where Tigh and the bridge crew are at their stations. Commander Adama rushes in, followed by Siress Tinia. Adama: Tigh! What's the situation? What part of the fleet are the Cylons attacking? Tigh: Hello, Commander. Actually, they're not attacking anything. I was just listening in on Captain Columbo's questioning, and I figured you needed a little time to recuperate from the stress of hearing that your daughter had resigned from the service. Adama collapses. Tinia tries to catch him; they both fall. Looking up, they all see that Belloby has followed them to the bridge. Belloby: Why are you looking at me that way? Tinia: Why did you lie? You didn't need to do that. Adama could have handled Columbo! Tigh: (Making a face.) Siress Tinia. What are you doing here? Tinia: I'm the Council's liaison to the military. I can be here any time I want to! Tigh: Can not! Tinia: Can too! Tigh: Says who? Tinia: Says me! And since I'm the Council liaison, my word goes! Tigh: So follow your word and go! Rigel: Excuse me, I hate to interrupt this serious discussion of military and civilian policy, but- Tigh: Not right now, Rigel. Tinia, if you can't tell- Adama: (Stirring.) Ooh, what happened? Tinia: You fainted. again, when you heard that Athena had...done something foolish that she's no doubt going to regret in a few centars when she comes to her senses. So if we just ignore it and pretend it never happened, everything will be all right. Adama: (Smiling as Tinia helps him up.) Thank you, Siress. You have a unique and welcome perspective. Rigel: Commander, can I say something? Adama: Just a centon, Rigel. Belloby: Well, now that you're on your feet again, and since there's no real emergency, maybe this would be a good time to find out about my mushies! Rigel: The mushies will have to wait! Belloby: My mushies always have to wait! I'm tired of them having to wait! Columbo enters the bridge, and begins snooping around the consoles. Tigh: What's he doing here? It's bad enough we've got Siress Tinia here - Columbo: Oh, just go about your business, Colonel. Don't mind me. I'm just looking for evidence, following up on leads, doing my job. Say, is it true you lied to get your commander out of a few perfectly reasonable questions? Tigh: I... I... (Quickly turning to Rigel.) Rigel, what is it? Rigel: The Cylons are coming, the Cylons are coming! Adama: Launch...uh, who's available? Rigel: Only the Black Ovines again, I'm afraid. Tigh: (Muttering.) I've got a sense of deja vu... Adama: Launch Black Ovines... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "It looks like a battlestar!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 78 Date: Sat, 12 May 2001 (Do you realize, Jolly Forgot the Kids, JFK, can also mean, Just For Kicks?) "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 78 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. The tension is unbearable. Captain Columbo is still wandering about the consoles. Adama and Tigh are nervous. Belloby and Tinia are glaring at each other. The Cylons are attacking. The Black Ovines have once again been sent out to save the day - and boy, are they enjoying themselves! Boyington: (Over speakers.) Woo-hoo! Men, let's get 'em! French: (Over speakers.) They're heading for the Rising Star! Boyle: (Over speakers.) Gotta stop 'em! I know a girl or two or three over there! Boyington: (Over speakers.) You heard the man - this one's for the women of the Rising Star! Casey: (Over speakers.) And don't forget the wagering! And the music! And the dancing! And the food! Boyington: (Over speakers.) Oh, who could forget those good times! Let's take out those Raiders! To save the Star! On the bridge, Adama closes his eyes in despair. Belloby: (Sighing fondly.) There's a lot to be said for the Black Ovines... Tigh: They certainly sound...energetic. Rigel: Almost as though they'd gotten a new mascot... Tigh: Or something. Adama: (Opening his eyes.) What was that, Rigel? Rigel: (Shrugging.) Oh, nothing, sir. Boyington: (Over speakers.) Hey, where are they going? Casey: (Over speakers.) I think we got 'em on the run! Boyington: (Over speakers.) Already? But we didn't get to fire a shot yet! French: They just turned 180 degrees and ran! What gives? Columbo: Say, Commander, you wouldn't happen to know if it's standard procedure for the squadrons to grumble over winning without firing a shot, would you? Adama: Not usually. Columbo: (Waving his fumarello.) So what do you think could make a bunch of grown men, and fighter pilots, at that, complain about winning a battle without having to risk life, limb, and bad reviews because of the repeated stock space footage? Rigel: Sir! Look at that! Tigh: What is it this time, Rigel? And please don't say it's another Cylon attack. Rigel: No, it's not! But I think I know why the Cylons ran without firing a shot! Tiki: Yes! Sir, look at the warbook! Compare the read-outs! Adama: Why, it...it looks like a battlestar! Columbo: But does it waddle like a battlestar and quack like a battlestar? Adama: What? Columbo: The age-old question. If it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck. Only applied to a battlestar instead of a duck. Tigh: (Puzzled.) Battlestars don't waddle or quack. And even if they did, how would you know it in space? Although Cylon Raiders can waggle, if Apollo and Starbuck and Boomer are any indication...maybe that's what they had in mind... Columbo: Hmmm... (Continues his study of the bridge.) Adama: Could it be the Pegasus? By all that's holy, is it the return of Cain? Tigh: Somebody better tell Sheba... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "I don't care how much of a hero he is. He's obnoxious, arrogant, self-serving, glory-grabbing, and the Pegasus shoulda been my battlestar!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 79 Date: Sun, 13 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 79 -- The Interview, Part 1 Scene: The meeting hall of the Galactica, where our main characters all wait, sitting to introduce themselves, sitting in a semi-circle of chairs in front of the audience -- even the ones that aren't really in the fleet at the moment. Koppel: This is journalator Koppel, back from the Prison Barge, back where I belong. It has come to the attention of IFB that there are those of you out there who are having some problems keeping up with what's going on in this long-running serial. So we're taking today off to update you on what's happened so far. Because you spoke, and we listened. We're responsive...to YOU! And by the way, the prison barge sucks. This fleet seriously needs to reconsider how it treats its prisoners...not that I was a prisoner, but...hades with it, let's start the show. (Strolling in front of the semi-circle and taking a seat as moderator, to audience applause.) The first thing you need to know is how it all started. Jolly, this series is named after you - but you haven't made very many appearances. Jolly: (Shrugging.) Story of my life. Koppel: Care to give us the lowdown? Jolly: Well, the whole thing started when Apollo and Starbuck got into one of their personal feuds. Only, instead of resolving it in the obligatory 48 centons, it kept going! By the time the turbodust had settled, Cassie had given up on Starbuck and turned to me. We had been happily sealed and adopted the children on the Orphan Ship! Koppel: Cassie, is that how you remember things? And by the way, interesting hair-do... Cassie: (Smoothing up and back a silver strand in her Bride-of-Frankenstein do.) Thank you, Koppel. Essentially, that's correct, yes. And I wasn't the only one to realize that waiting and sighing for one of the stars of the show was a big mistake, when there were so many other good men out there, just waiting to pine for me. Like my dear friend, Athena, here. Koppel: Really? Athena? Athena: Definitely. All that time, Boomer was playing second fiddle to my brother. I didn't even notice he was alive or think of him as anything but a friend - until I got tired of waiting for Starbuck and started playing the field. And boy, does Boomer know how to play! Audience: Ooooh! Koppel: We'll get into that later, in the late-night edition! 'Til then, Sheba, how about you? Sheba: I got tired of waiting for Apollo - they're right in that respect - a girl can't wait forever. And Reese was good for a few laughs, while he lasted. But as far as I'm concerned, the universe is on pause until my father comes back. Until then, nothing I do really matters. Koppel: Even having a child with the mysterious Count Iblis - a child you didn't even remember until Dr. Salik's genetic tests confirmed that you were Cain's daughter, and not Chameleon's, and that one of Jolly and Cassie's children was your child as well? Sheba: It wasn't my fault. Koppel: There are some people who think you should have turned in your pilot's helmet when you found out you had a child. How do you answer them? Sheba: Serina didn't. In fact, she picked up a helmet. Not that I blame her, considering Boxey. But as far as those kids, I suspect Athena can answer better then I... Koppel: Athena, it's back to you. What about those kids? Athena: (Shuddering.) All I can say is, better Cassie than me! But this series has been a real stretch for me, and I've been thrilled with everything I've done! I've been mummified, kidnaped, turned into a dabo girl, given dance lessons, helped save the Rising Star from fire, made a friend of my own, nearly been crushed in the trash disposal system, and finally made the decision that it was time to leave the service for a real life of my own. It's gotta beat teaching those kids again! And I'm really looking forward to a bright career in high fashion. Koppel: Even with the death of Ganymede, the first name in Couturiers of Caprica? Athena: (Smiling mysteriously.) Even so. Koppel: Hmm. I know our viewers will have questions about that! Now, Siress Belloby, what's your role been in all this? Belloby: Me? I just keep chasing Adama and trying to track down my missing mushies. Which, incidentally, Sheba, you are supposed to be locating! Sheba: All in good time, Siress. Koppel: Well, we don't need a feline-fight on stage, so we'll move on to Siress Tinia. You're the council liaison from the Quorum of Twelve. What other role do you play in this series? Tinia: Besides member of the Quorum, I'm the Commander's love interest, which we have to keep secret for a number of reasons - including the fact that Adama's best friend and executive officer would throw up if we admitted it publicly, and that my position in the Council and as liaison would be compromised if my close relationship to Adama were discovered. Koppel: Indeed! Well, I see that we've run out of time for today, but I know we all have a lot of questions for the rest of the stars - which will have to wait for another day. Thank you all for your time today. I know our viewers have enjoyed it. Any last words? Jolly: I just want to add, that while the name of the series may say that I forgot the kids, I assure you, I remember each and every one of them, and I'm getting better at keeping track of them all the time. All you men out there, paternity takes practice! Cassie: Sweetie, you are the best... Koppel: Tune in next time for part 2 of this ground-breaking interview of the stars of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" -- the ones that Jolly most emphatically did not really forget -- when we'll hear the men's side of the story... Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 80 Date: Mon, 14 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 80 -- The Interview, Part 2 Scene: The meeting hall of the Galactica, where our main characters are still gathered, sitting in a semi-circle of chairs in front of the audience. Koppel: Welcome back to "Jolly Forgot the Kids," where we're taking a little time off from the series to actually meet with our stars, and find out from them what's been happening, and why, and where this series might go from here! Now, Apollo, the blame for this whole thing has been laid at directly at the boots of you and your friend Starbuck. Any comments? Apollo: I'll admit that we have occasionally differed about things, but to be honest, Koppel, I don't remember what it was that we were fighting about that could possibly have gone on long enough to spark something this massive. Koppel: So you deny there was a fight? Starbuck, how about you? Starbuck: Oh, I know there was a fight. I just don't remember what it was about. Koppel: How do you feel about losing two of what are undeniably the finest and most desirable women in the fleet to other men? Starbuck: Uh...which ones? Audience: Whoah!!! Koppel: I think you've struck a nerve, there, Lieutenant! But you've been absent from the fleet for some time, until very recently. Mind updating us on what you've been doing? Starbuck: Love to, Koppel! After the snafu with the ladies, I spent a little time with Chameleon, then wound up on the run from yet another of the ladies - Sheba, on the Rising Star - and decided to take a little patrol. That's when I hooked up with SAM, one of our new Viper models, which **** Heavy IFB Voice: We're sorry to interrupt this broadcast, but the bleeped out information contained highly classified technical data which is not public information, and you don't get to hear it, so there, nyah! Starbuck: **** and there I was, in the middle of a village full of Amazon women. I'm sure you guess I wasn't eager to leave - until I discovered their children. Anyway, now I'm back, and brought the ladies with me. Men in audience: Woo-hoo! (Heavy applause.) Koppel: (Grinning broadly.) We'll see if the ladies share that sentiment. But now, Commander Adama, we've heard two siresses claim certain relationships with you! Any comment? Adama: Siress Tinia and I have a professional relationship - very professional. We've proven our ability to work together very closely on many occasions, and under difficult conditions, such as the current murder investigation. Koppel: And Siress Belloby? Adama: Neither she nor her niece are getting within fifty meters of me or any member of my family again, if I have anything to say about it. Koppel: That's pretty definite! Colonel, what are you feelings about Adama's relationship or lack of relationship with these two siresses? Tigh: I think I need a drink... Koppel: Oh...uh, okay. Boomer, moving on to you... Now that Athena's decided to end her military career for one in fashion, what do you see happening to your relationship? Boomer: I expect things will continue pretty much as they are. We're major characters, after all, and everybody knows that most of the fun for major characters is in the sexual tension. Once you marry off the stars, you either have to kill one of them, or they lose the pizzazz. Adama: (Nodding sagely.) Yes, the Bonanza bride syndrome. Koppel: Which could explain a lot about what happened with Apollo and Serina, and then what didn't happen with Apollo and Sheba! So, which of you do you see being killed off? Boomer: (Shocked.) Uh... Koppel: All right, we'll let you think about that one. Croft? What about you? What's your role been in all this? Croft: Not much. Of course, I'm no longer on the prison barge. I've helped investigate Athena's disappearance - say, where did that bit about kidnaping come in, anyway? I helped with the fire on the Rising Star. I'm now assisting Captain Columbo in his investigation of the murder of Ganymede the couturier. After that, who knows what' next for me? Tigh: (Muttering.) He doesn't know he's destined for the Jolly and Cassie ship, to be stuck with the kids, any day now. Croft: What was that? Adama: Nothing, Croft, nothing, right, Tigh? Well, Koppel, I think it's time we all got back to our jobs. Koppel: All right, Commander, gentlemen, we appreciate your time- Apollo: Can I say something here? Koppel: Why? Apollo: Because I'm feeling left out, that's why - and I want to point out that, despite the fact that I am on an extended patrol to protect me from the influence of the House of Somers, and have been all the way back to Equellus, and as yet have no idea when I'll be returning to the fleet, I want to reassure everyone that I will be back. And I will be heroic. And I'll even bring back CORA, if I can. And I'll come back with a woman -- or else I'll find one here in the fleet. Koppel: Didn't I hear rumors of sealing ribbons between you and a certain Siress Cordelia? Apollo: Oh, that's right! Adama: No! That's not right! Apollo: We'll discuss it later, Father. Koppel: There you have it, folks, the lowdown, the secrets, the past events and a few explanations for nearly 80 episodes. Tomorrow, it's back to the series... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll actually, finally, really hear Tigh, like, totally, say, "I don't care how much of a hero he is. He's obnoxious, arrogant, self-serving, glory-grabbing, and the Pegasus shoulda been my battlestar!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 81 Date: Tue, 15 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 81 Scene: Still on the bridge of the Galactica, with all the usual suspects, plus Tinia, Belloby, and Columbo. Adama: Get me that ship! Tiki: What if they don't want to be got? Adama: Raise them on the comm system! Tiki: Yes, sir, I'm trying, sir! But they're not responding! Adama: Do we know who they are? Tiki: No, sir. Adama: Do we know who they aren't? Tiki: Uh...well, they're probably not Cylons... Adama: No, the Cylons wouldn't have broken off their attack if they had a basestar coming in. Tigh: Unless it's a diversion and the Raiders are coming back behind a fake battlestar. Tiki: I doubt if they're Ovions... Adama: Agreed - especially since we wiped them out at Carillon. Tigh: As far as we know -- but their species could have come from somewhere else. Tiki: They likely aren't Terrans, unless they managed to steal some technology and ship plans when Leiter was aboard... Adama: Which isn't too likely, considering they spent all their time on the prison barge. Tigh: But they did talk to Baltar. Who knows what he could have told them? Tiki: It could be the Pegasus. We just don't know, and won't know until they answer! Adama: This could be a miracle... Tigh: Not again... I don't care how much of a hero he is. He's obnoxious, arrogant, self-serving, glory-grabbing, and the Pegasus shoulda been my battlestar! Rigel: Sir, we're picking up something on another channel. It's...it's an Aerian merchant code! Tigh: What? More prisoners from the asteroid? I thought we picked up everybody there! Adama: According to Starbuck, we did. Put it on uni-com, Rigel. Rigel: Right, sir. An image appears on the screen - a short-haired blonde woman, familiar to everybody who ever watched Xena or read episodes 43 - 45 of this series. Gabrielle: Hi! One of you must be Commander Adama, right? Adama and Tigh stare at her, then look at each other. Tigh: She's wearing leather and feathers. Adama: And not much of either. Who are you? Gabrielle: I'm Commander Gabrielle of the Miri Feathers. Adama: Where did you come from? Gabrielle: A nice little forest-and-swamp planet back in the Delta Quadrant. Tigh: The Delta Quadrant?!?! Adama: Don't misunderstand me, but what is a woman dressed in such primitive attire doing in command of a battlestar? Gabrielle: Hey, buster, just because we chose to live a healthy, natural, back-to-the-basics, amazonian sisterhood type of lifestyle, doesn't mean we're savages with no technology! How do you think we got to that primitive forest-and-swamp planet in the first place? Adama: (Now grinning broadly.) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound incredulous... You're welcome, of course. Any humans are welcome in the fleet. Please, let me invite you aboard! Gabrielle: Sounds good. I'll be there in a few centons! The com goes dark. Adama and Tigh look at each other incredulously, despite their best efforts. Adama: Tigh, this could be a miracle... Tigh: What's miraculous is that we have another battlestar and we don't have to deal with Cain! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby say, "I suppose this means my mushies take the back seat again." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 82 Date: Wed, 16 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 82 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Rigel: Sir! We're picking up a shuttle from the new battlestar. It's heading for us! And it's being escorted by...SAM! Adama: Sam? Rigel: No, SAM! The Space and Atmospheric Maneuverability Viper Upgrade II! Remember? Starbuck took it on a test flight back in Episode 41. Adama: Raise that pilot! Rigel: In public?! Adama: Rigel, I'm starting to worry about where your mind is -- I mean, get him on the com! Rigel: Oh! Yes, sir... Adama: Starbuck, is that you? Starbuck: (Over speakers.) Yes, sir, it is. I'm back! Adama: Welcome back, lieutenant. We've missed you. We've all missed you. Starbuck: (Over speakers.) I can tell by the size of your rescue team. Adama: Don't get snippy with me, lieutenant. Why, at this very moment, Captain Apollo is out alone, with CORA, searching for you. Starbuck: (Over speakers.) Gee... Really? Wow. I'm touched... And after we argued and everything. Well, tell the guys to warm up the cards and the cubits and good ambrosa. I'm gonna need a party! Tigh: SAM looks a little...waterlogged, Lieutenant. Is Wilker going to be pleased with the condition it's in? Starbuck: (Over speakers.) Well, we did have to get SAM out of the swamp. Tigh: Ah-hah! So SAM was underground! Starbuck: (Over speakers.) You could say that, depending on how solidly you define ground. Fortunately, the Miri Feathers were up to the task, once we took out the Cylon attack force that was trying to wipe out their village. But I'll be there in a few centons, Commander, and I'll give you a full report then. Starbuck, over and out. Cheers break out over the bridge. Adama: Tigh, did the reports show SAM coming closer to the fleet? And why wasn't I told? Tigh: Uh, I don't know if anyone was watching that channel, sir. Adama: I should prepare for the arrival of this Commander Gabrielle of the Miri Feathers. Siress Tinia, would you accompany me as a representative of the Council? Tinia: I'd be honored. They stroll out together, with Adama walking too close to Belloby -- he catches his cape on a bolt in the doorframe, sprains his finger pulling it free, and stubs his toe on a seam in the floor on the way out. Belloby: I suppose this means my mushies take the back seat again... (Stomps out.) Tigh looks greatly relieved, left in temporary command again and with no siresses on the bridge. Sheba: (Rushing onto the bridge.) Did somebody say my father was back? Tigh: Even better - it's the return of Starbuck! Sheba: What? Tigh: Starbuck's back. Rigel: And his front, and his top, and his bottom, too. (Giggles.) Tigh: Rigel, what would the dread Captain Robert think... (Turns to Sheba.) No, Sheba, it's not your father - but Lt. Starbuck has returned. With another battlestar. Can't you tell from the cheers? Isn't that a reason to celebrate. Sheba glares around at the cheering bridge crew, tears welling up in her eyes. Sheba: Sure - if you want to celebrate the *little* things! When my father returns, that'll be something worth celebrating! Tigh: The ship blew up. Get over it. Sheba runs out, sobbing. Everybody shrugs and continues cheering. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Guys? I'm over here." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 83 Date: Thu, 17 May 2001 07:09:22 -0500 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 83 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where every off-duty male pilot, technician, security officer, and other personnel have gathered to greet Commander Gabrielle...oh, yeah, and Starbuck. Giles: Is it true these amazons dress only in feathers and leather and shells and jewelry? Boomer: And not much of any of it, from what I hear! Greenbean: We're such porcines... Bojay: But we're good at it. Adama and Tinia enter the bay. Adama stares at the gathered male personnel. Adama: I see word got around quickly. Boomer: Uh...Tiki let us know, sir. Adama: Hmm. All this for Starbuck? Or for Commander Gabrielle? The men all look at each other. Boomer: (With a straight face.) Starbuck, of course. We missed him. Adama: Which no doubt explains the lottery on how long he'd be gone, and who had first dibs on his billet and locker when he was finally officially declared missing. Tinia: Not to mention the lottery on who got first dibs on his girlfriends. Adama: I didn't hear about that one. Tinia: The ladies did. Noday and Miriam were furious. Brie and Sorrel were already plotting a lottery of their own in retaliation. The shuttle and SAM come in for a landing. Starbuck pops the canopy and stands up like a conquering hero returned. Starbuck: Hey, everybody! I'm back! Gee, you're all here for me? You really must have missed me... Hey? Guys? I'm over here... Guys! The gathered male personnel are clustering around the shuttle, all but climbing all over each other, waiting for Commander Gabrielle to emerge. Starbuck: Guys... I'm disappointed in you... Formerly Princess but now Commander Gabrielle comes out of the shuttle. She waves; the men wave, whistle, hoot, and holler back. Adama: (Stepping forward.) Commander Gabrielle... Gabrielle: Commander Adama... Hi! Well, I hate to greet and run, but now that we're here with the fleet, we've got some very urgent business to tend to, so I'm going to have to come back and do all that formal stuff later. Adama: But you just got here! Tinia: (Eyeing Garbrielle's outfit and clinging possessively to Adama's arm.) Take your time. Gabrielle: (Waving back at the other men again.) I'll be back! They cheer as she turns around, gets back in the shuttle, and launches again. Adama: Well, that has to be the shortest official ceremony on record! Starbuck: (Joining the commander.) Well, like she said, she'll be back. She and all two hundred women of the Miri Feathers. Adama: Two hundred women? All dressed like that? And looking like that? And you've been with them this whole time? Starbuck: Yup. Adama: (Shaking his head.) Only you, Starbuck. Only you... Boomer: Two hundred women... He goes off to a planet and comes back with two hundred beautiful, scantily-clad women... Starbuck: If you hurry, they can be yours. They're just looking for a few good men. That's why they're in such a hurry. Giles: (Perking up.) Really? Starbuck: Yeah. They've got about four hundred kids that need fathers! Bojay: I'm outta here. Greenbean: Not for me, no thanks... Adama: So where are the women of the Miri Feathers going now? Starbuck: I told them all about the Jolly and Cassie ship, and they thought they'd check it out. Boomer: You mean Jolly's gonna get all those women? Starbuck: If he wants 'em. Along with their kids. Adama: (Sighing.) That'll add another forty yahrens or so to his paternity leave for adopting kids! He'll be on leave until he dies! And we'll be paying him for it! Starbuck: We'll pay for it one way or the other. If he doesn't adopt 'em, those kids will be living somewhere else in the fleet. And believe me, the way the toddlers can fight Cylons, we don't want 'em turned loose! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Uh...not exactly..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 84 Date: Fri, 18 May 2001 "This is Aphrodite, your friendly interstellar journalator in pink and not much of it, reporting - and I finally get to report something interesting! Something worthwhile! Something worth watching! Yeah! Starbuck is back! Gabrielle is here! Athena is gone! Muffey hasn't been seen in sectars, however long that is! Sure, there's been an unsolved murder and the murderer's still on the loose -- but Captain Columbo will get him, her, it, or them. We know he will. And Apollo isn't back, but we're sure he's still out there somewhere, struggling valiantly to return to us. And in the meantime, here's the twelfth night...uh, secton installment of the longest running series ever! Whoo-hoo, bring it on! Hey, if Gabrielle can get away with leather and feathers, I can wear gauzy pink and not much of it, okay, buster?" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 84 Scene: The landing bay, where Gabrielle's shuttle just launched, leaving a group of love-struck but disappointed male pilots, technicians, and other personnel, along with Adama, Tinia, and Starbuck. Adama: So, Starbuck, while we're waiting for Commander Gabrielle to return, why don't you tell us about these Miri Feathers, how you came to meet them, how they came to decide to come here, how much firepower their battlestar has - all the important little details. Starbuck: Uh, I don't really know what kind of firepower they have... Adama: You didn't bother to check? Starbuck: Well... Boomer: (Snickering a little.) Oh, I'm sure he was busy checking out other important little details. Giles: Or not so little details... Starbuck: Giles, you're a porcine. Actually, I wasn't aboard their battlestar. I flew SAM. So I really don't know what their firepower is. Adama: Do they have any Vipers? Starbuck: Uh...I didn't see any while we were flying here. Adama: You said something about their children taking on the Cylons? Starbuck: Yeah! Say, anybody got a fumarello? I haven't had one since I left... Boomer hands him one. Starbuck: Thanks, buddy. Boomer: Want a shirt, too? Starbuck: No, thanks, I'm showing off my best side. Where was I? Oh, yeah. The Cylons. Well, after I met the Miri Feathers, and left the Miri Feathers, I was searching for the place where SAM had gone done in the muck, so I could try to leave. Then Princess Gabrielle came looking for me-- Boomer: Figures. Was she trying to talk you into staying? Starbuck: No, actually, she was thinking about coming along. But then the Cylons attacked and she wouldn't leave. Adama: Yes? What happened then? Starbuck: She headed back to her village, where the two hundred women and their children were preparing to fight the Cylons- Tinia: No men at all? Starbuck: Nope, that's the nature of Amazons, I guess. Tinia: So where'd the children come from? As I recall from biology class, women don't get children without men. Starbuck: Previous visitors. Boomer: Like you? Starbuck: Yeah - hey! No, not like me. Men who only wanted one thing from them, stayed for a couple days, then left...or got booted. Boomer: Like you. Adama: That's enough, Boomer. Starbuck, that Cylon attack? Starbuck: Well, I couldn't just up and leave a bunch of women and children to fight the Cylons alone, so I headed back to the village, too, to help 'em out. Adama: And then you came up with a plan and took out the Cylons yourself... Starbuck: Uh...no... Adama: You took command and led them into battle... Starbuck: Not exactly... Adama: You became their military advisor and told them how to organize defenses... Starbuck: (Shaking his head.) No, didn't do that... Adama: You told them how to conceal themselves until the Cylons left... Starbuck: (Fidgeting.) Not that either... Adama: So what did you do? Starbuck: I accidentally sorta walked into a trap the children had set up, got hit on the head with a couple of slingshot stones, and spent the battle unconscious. But from what they told me afterward, they did a great job taking out the Cylons! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "You've walked in on a very delicate first contact situation!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 85 Date: Sat, 19 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 85 Scene: Still in the landing bay, awaiting the return of Commander Gabrielle. Adama: Starbuck, how do you get yourself into those kind of situations? Starbuck: Coulda been worse. I could've wrapped myself up in leather and feathers and taught them all idiotic nursery rhymes to chant while riding their pegasi and using their slingshots to hurl turbogrenades at the Cylon fuel and munitions depot. Adama: True. Thank the Lords you spared them that. Sheba rushes into the bay. Sheba: Did I hear someone say the Pegasus was back? Oh, Daddy, I waited for you! Where are you? Starbuck: No, I said pegasi - the flying equines of the Miri Feathers. Sheba: Oh, who cares. So where's my father, the great Commander Cain? Starbuck: Uh...beats me, he's not here...but I'm back. Sheba: You? Who cares about you? (Sobbing.) Why do people keep tormenting me like this? Starbuck: Hey, I'm not that bad! Adama: Aren't you supposed to be searching for the missing mushies? Still sobbing, Sheba runs out of the bay just as Captain Columbo appears out of the turbolift. Columbo: Hi, folks. Don't mind me. I'm just collecting evidence, checking out the scene, the usual routine. Nothing out of the ordinary. Say, did all of you folks happen to be here a centar or two ago when a murder was committed in the corridor? As if by magic, the collected male pilots, technicians, and other personnel vanish. Pilot #1: Wasn't me - I was on patrol...need to go debrief, right now, you know how Colonel Tigh can be... Technician #1: I think I was on another ship. I'm not sure which one, but I'm sure I was there, and I should probably go back... Personnel #1: I just got off duty in the computer section. You can ask my superior, he's right here. And I'm due back two microns ago... Computer superior #1: Yup, he was there, I saw him. He saw me, too. Oops, gotta go... Adama: Captain, you've walked in on a very delicate first contact situation! Do you think your questions could wait? Columbo: (Glancing around.) First contact with what? The bay looks kinda empty, if you don't mind my saying so. Adama: With Commander Gabrielle and the Miri Feathers! Columbo: Where? Adama: She was here, and she'll be right back. She had to make a stop on the Jolly and Cassie ship. Columbo: Oh, I certainly won't interfere with that first contact. But since she's not here at the moment, I trust you have no objection to me asking a few questions and looking around a little bit? Adama: (Sounding strangled.) Of course not... Feel free... Columbo: Thanks, Commander. Now, let's start with your daughter, Athena. I understand she just resigned from the service? Adama collapses in a faint. Everyone still there clusters around with cries of alarm. Tinia: No! Stand back! He's just reacting to the thought that a member of his family could actually resign from the noble profession of serving the Colonies as a warrior. He needs air - and for people to stop reminding him about Athena's...indiscretion and mistake, which she will no doubt regret and wish she had never said, and may not even remember, when she recovers from what is obviously a trauma-induced event from nearly being caught in that fire on the Rising Star! Columbo: Let me rephrase my question...as soon as he wakes up. A long centon later, after several glares at Columbo from Siress Tinia, Adama comes to. Adama: (Faintly.) What happened? (Sees Columbo.) Oh, yes, that... I really think I need to prepare for this first contact situation... Starbuck: Actually, Commander, it's not really a first contact situation, for Gabrielle, anyway. She's Colonial. She was actually a cadet, back in the Colonies, before the Destruction. Before her family was all but wiped out and she joined the Miri Feathers. Adama: She's Colonial? Starbuck: Yeah. And you wanna know the best part? She's Cassiopeia's sister! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "It's a special blend." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 86 Date: Sun, 20 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 86 Scene: The landing bay, where those who are left (remember, most people fled when Columbo arrived) are staring in shock at Starbuck, who has just announced that Cassie and Gabi are sisters. Columbo: Hmm... Well, that's all very fine and dandy, but what does it have to with the termination of Ganymede? Starbuck: Uh...nothing. I'm sure, absolutely nothing. (Aside to Adama.) Sir, is this the Lieutenant Columbo who solved the Terminations in the Twinery, the factory where kobolian mummy wrap was made and where four workers unexpectedly died, and the owner was found guilty? And the Murder in Melbrook Manor, when the Councilor's dinner party was disrupted by the sudden death of Councilor Pluto, where the aide did it? And the Cold-blooded Killing of Colonel Mustard, where everybody thought the butler did it in the pantry, until he proved it was Siress Scarlett in the Library? Adama: No, he's Captain Columbo now. But yes, he's the one who solved those terrible crimes. Starbuck: And he always does it by wandering around, asking seemingly pointless questions, and meanwhile his sharp eyes and ears are catching the smallest discrepancies and evidence of guilt or nervousness? Adama: That's him. Starbuck: Excuse me while I abandon landing bay... Adama: You're staying right here with the rest of us. Starbuck: But I wasn't here when it happened! Columbo: When what happened? Starbuck: Whatever it is you're investigating! Columbo: What do you think I'm investigating? Starbuck: I don't know, I swear I don't, but I'm sure it's serious. And whatever it was, I was in SAM and flying with the Miri Feathers. I wasn't here! Columbo: (Rubbing his chin.) You know, young man, I think I believe you. Say, what kind of fumarello is that? Starbuck: (Distracted.) This? Oh, this is one of Boomer's special blends. Columbo: Special blend, eh? And wrapped like a mummified kobolian. That's rare. Say, you wouldn't happen to mind if I have a puff, would you? Starbuck: (Hastily handing it over.) Not at all! Enjoy! Columbo: (Enjoys a puff.) Ahhh. That's good. That's a good smoke. I haven't had a good smoke like this since the Destruction. Starbuck: Not many people have. Like I said, it's a special blend. Boomer's own creation, specially made like the famous mummified kobolians. Uh...made from leftovers and his own concoctions, Commander, made here on the Galactica - Boomer wouldn't raid the agro ship for much needed agron supplies, or take away space that the fleet needs for growing foodstuffs, no-siree! And he certainly wouldn't use valuable duty time for anything like this, uh-uh - when he's on duty, he's all duty, sir, yes, sir. Only his personal time, and non-essential supplies, that's Boomer... Columbo: Boomer, eh. Starbuck: (Starting to relax.) Yup. Columbo: (Inhaling another puff.) You know, funny thing about this. I'd swear it's familiar. Starbuck: Well, you probably just smelled it on me, since I'm smoking one. Columbo: I don't think so. You see, this smoke smells exactly like the special blend I just smelled in the fumarello stub that was laying under the dead man. Starbuck: I didn't do it! I didn't do it! (He faints.) Columbo: I know you didn't. You weren't here, remember? Say, Commander, where is Boomer at the moment, anyway? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Siress!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 87 Date: Mon, 21 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 87 Scene: Still in the landing bay of the Galactica. Adama: (Somberly.) You believe Boomer committed this heinous crime, Captain Columbo? Columbo: No. I saw on the crew roster that he was out on patrol with Bojay and Apollo when it happened. So I know he didn't do it. Adama: Then why'd you ask where he is??? Columbo: I wanted to find out if he could give me a couple more of these great smokes. (Puffs again.) And then I want to find out who else he might have supplied with these fumarellos so I can determine if that was Ganymede's butt, or someone else's. Tinia: (Modestly.) Well, I didn't know him very well for very long, but I could probably identify his butt- Adama: Siress! Tinia: I had a life before I was elected to the Council and met you! Columbo: Thanks for the offer, Siress, but I meant his fumarello stub... And now, I need to get down to the lab to check out the autopsy report and confirm the cause and time of death. If I may, Commander? Adama: Go...go... Columbo: (Nodding.) Right. I'll update you later. Let me know if Boomer shows up again. (He leaves.) Starbuck: (Gradually coming to.) What...what happened? Adama: You fainted when Columbo asked about your fumarello. Starbuck: Boomer didn't do it, sir, he couldn't have! Adama: I know that - and I believe Columbo knows it too. Starbuck: Whew! So what's happening. Oh-oh, duck! A Viper comes whizzing by. Adama: I believe the Black Ovines are starting to come in for landings. We'd better get out of the way. A second Viper comes whizzing by, quickly followed by a third. Adama, Tinia, and Starbuck scamper back out of the way of the landing Vipers. A few moments later, the entire Black Ovine Squadron has landed and gathers. Boyington: All right, where's that new Commander that everybody's talking about? Adama: You mean Commander Gabrielle of the Miri Feathers? Boyington: Yeah. The one who deprived us of a good battle by scaring off the Cylons. I wanna have words with her. Adama: So do most of the male half of this crew. Get in line. Boyington: Oh? What'd she do to them? Adama: Nothing, yet. And hopefully nothing in the future, although that's up to her. Major, I expect you will treat Commander Gabrielle with the respect and consideration due a battlestar commander. In other words, with more respect and consideration than you have for me. Several of the Black Ovines snicker as they cluster together. Boyington: Right, sir. Of course, sir. Now, where is she? Adama: You'll have to wait until she comes back from the Jolly and Cassie ship. Mascot: Yip! Yip! Adama: What's that? The Black Ovines, suddenly uncomfortable, begin edging toward the turbolift as a group. French: Oh, nothing, sir... Boyle: Gotta go debrief, sir... Casey: Running late, sir... Boyington: Gotta file that report, sir... They vanish as a group. Starbuck: But if you're here, Commander, who do they think they have to report to? Adama: (Thoughtful.) I could have sworn I heard a daggit... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck ask the rhetorical question, "Would this show have been a success if I hadn't had my shirt off in the premiere in my very first scene?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 88 Date: Tue, 22 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids"- Episode 88 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica. Dr. Wilker rushes in. Wilker: (Skidding to a halt.) Commander! Adama: Dr. Wilker. You seem to be in a hurry. Starbuck: Sorry, you missed Gabrielle. She's come and gone, but she'll be back. >From behind, Boyington appears in the turbolift. He shakes his head and waves his arms wildly at Wilker, looking alarmed. Wilker: Oh...her...no, I'm not here for... Oh, yes, I came here to see Gabrielle. I'm sorry I missed her. I'll leave now. (Hurries to the turbolift.) Well? Boyington: (Muttering.) Worked great. Just the thing. The guys are thrilled. Almost as good as the real thing. But you nearly got us all spaced if you'd let the Commander know! The turbolift goes up; they disappear. Tinia: I wonder what was disturbing that pilot. Did you see the faces he was making at Dr. Wilker? Adama: With Major Boyington, who can tell? Sometimes, I just don't want to know. It's better that way. Starbuck, why don't you investigate and find out if it's better that way this time. Let me know if it's something I want to know. Starbuck: But...but... Adama: But what, Lieutenant? Starbuck: But Gabrielle's coming back! Adama: And the Siress and I will be here to greet her. Go. Starbuck: (Kicking his way across the bay.) I brought her here, why can't I stay? I never to get to have any fun. Adama: And put a shirt on! Starbuck: Awh, now the readers won't get to have any fun either. And some of them live for the chance to see me without a shirt, you know! I mean, would this show have been a success if I hadn't had my shirt off in the premiere in my very first scene? Adama: They'll have to use their imaginations -- either that or go check out Apollo. Tinia: But Apollo never takes his shirt off! Adama: You haven't been to e-bay recently, have you, Siress? Tinia: I don't remember -- is it near alpha bay? A shuttle from the Miri Feathers battlestar returns. Adama: It looks like Gabrielle is back. The shuttle opens, and out step Gabrielle and about a dozen of the Miri Feathers. Gabrielle: (Looking around.) Where'd everybody go? Adama: Umm, they had to get back to work. How was your trip to the Jolly and Cassie Ship? Gabrielle: Very useful! Jolly and Cassie agreed to take on all of the kids. So now we're all free and available. Tinia: What? You're leaving all of your kids there? Why? Gabrielle: Well, Cassie explained that they'd taken on Captain Apollo's son, and Lieutenant Sheba's son, so they figured there would be no problem with adding our four hundred. By the way, did you know that Cassie is my sister? I guess that makes me Aunt Gabi to that bunch. (Shaking her head.) But I've really got to talk to her about that hairstyle! Adama: (Slowly.) So while your children are all in Jolly and Cassie's care, what do you plan to be free and available to do? Gabrielle: We're going to become pilots, of course. Adama and Tinia stare at the eager group of women, all dressed in leather and feathers and shells and jewelry, and then look at each other in dismay. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "Don't worry, we've got the parts." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 89 Date: Wed, 23 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 89 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where the Miri Feathers are gathering around Commander Adama and Siress Tinia. Adama: You want to what? Gabrielle: We want to become pilots - you know, Viper pilots, warriors. Adama: But...but... Gabrielle: Oh, come on, don't tell me you're still hung up on that whole thing about the way we dress. Just because we go for leather and feathers doesn't make us incapable of flying a ship and defending our families! After all, we will be defending our families. The others all have children here, and I've got a sister. Adama: A sister...Cassiopeia, yes...I understand... Gabrielle: Good. So where do we sign up for remedial pilot training? Adama: Remedial? Gabrielle: Yes. We've all flown before. Remember? We had to get to that planet before we could set up our primitive-appearing village and simple lifestyle? Adama: Of course... But I'm not sure we've got the raw materials to build another squadron of fighters! Dr. Wilker and the Viper technicians complain about it constantly! Gabrielle: Don't worry, we've got the parts. Adama: You do? Gabrielle: Of course! We were ready to take on the Cylons. We just hadn't gotten around to it yet! Of course, we'll need uniforms that match our chosen lifestyle and beliefs. Those brown uniforms that Starbuck was wearing just won't do it. Adama: Uniforms... Tinia: Too bad Ganymede was murdered. I'm sure he could design something wonderful just for you. Gabrielle: Ganymede of Couturiers of Caprica was murdered? Tinia: Yes, alas. Gabrielle: Oh, really? What're the fashion-conscious women of the fleet going to do now? Adama: Does that bother you, Gabrielle, that he's...gone? Gabrielle: Look at my outfit; what do you think? Same thing I wore yesterday, same thing I'm going to wear tomorrow. But washed, of course. I remember Ganymede saying once that any woman who wore the same outfit more than twice was a fashion disaster and a formal non-factor. That just didn't make sense in the kind of life we led on that planet. Adama: We'll discuss uniforms and clothing later. I don't suppose you've got any Vipers and other weapons and munitions already assembled on your battlestar? Gabrielle: Not really - it may look like a battlestar, but it's not really designed for it. It's for long-term people transport. Adama: So why is it so large? Gabrielle: So the Cylons would leave it alone, for one reason. They don't usually mess with battlestars for no reason. And we needed the space. We had to have room for billets and supplies, and room to grow food, grain and fodder, and room for our pegasi to fly. You wouldn't believe how their wings atrophy if we don't fly them every day; all that weight, I suppose, for an equine. And of course we had to have a playground for our kids. Adama: (Extremely crestfallen.) Oh. Tinia: Of course, the Cylons won't know that... If we get a squadron of fighters on the ship, enough to make it look like it's a fully operational battlestar... Adama: You're right! This could be just the boost our people need! The psychological edge of having another large ship, with lots of room for people, new agron space - and a whole new squadron of pilots, with ships, to add to our defense. I mean, the Cylons won't know it isn't a real, complete, functioning battlestar. Tinia: (Sotta voce.) And it should give me the edge I need to beat Sire Melbrook in the upcoming Council elections... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Iblis say, "Sheba, my princess...you finally said my name." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 90 Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 90 Scene: Sheba storms her way along a corridor of the Galactica. Sheba: They'll be sorry. I'll get even with them. I'll get even with all of them, every man on this ship who ever disappointed me. I'll get even with Commander Adama for not taking over Gamorah and using it as a base like my father said to! A couple who were talking in the corridor dive to the deck and duck-and-cover. She kicks the man as she passes by. Sheba: And I'll get even with my father for leaving without me and leaving me behind! Her next kick goes through the metal wall and leaves a sizeable hole. Sheba: I'll get even with Apollo for dumping me. Okay, so he didn't dump me. I grew tired of waiting for him to realize he loved me, and I dumped him; I'll get even with him for being slow! Another crewman sees her coming and flattens himself against the wall. Sheba pauses long enough to punch him in the jaw, dropping him like a log. Sheba: And I'll get even with Reese for being stupid enough to date me - I mean, for being stupid. The dating part wasn't stupid, it was everything else he did. Two pilots jump into a closet and lock the door as she stalks near. She pauses long enough to pull her laser and weld the lock shut. They are left pounding on the door and shouting for help as she walks away. Sheba: And I'll get even with Chameleon for being my father - well, for letting me think he was my father, and for having known my mother well enough that it was even a remote possibility. Still wielding her laser, Sheba takes aim at a couple of hall lights, and shoots them out. Then she holsters her weapon and moves on. Sheba: And I'll get even with Starbuck for being too cowardly to face me when I was angry about Chameleon maybe being my father, and hiding from me on the Rising Star, and for going out on a long patrol and coming back with those bimbos, and not coming back with my father! Behind her, in the darkened corridor, come the screeches of the poor barefoot soul who stepped in the glass shards from the lights. How do we know he was barefoot? Oh, all right... Poor Barefoot Soul: Ouch! I stepped in glass with my bare feet because I couldn't see in the dark! Eeh, ooh, ow, ouch! Sheba glowers at a group of children on a field trip from their ship. They run screaming in terror, their teacher in the lead. Sheba: And I'll get even with Colonel Tigh for being mean to me about my father! At the door to her own billet, Sheba kicks the door in, enters her room, then picks up the door again and slams it shut behind her. The door keeps going and falls out into the corridor with a loud metallic clang. Sheba: And I'll get even with Iblis for that stupid kid that I didn't ask for and didn't want and didn't even remember in the first place! Iblis: (Appearing from out of nowhere.) Sheba, my princess, my sweet...my name, you finally said my name... Sheba: Get lost, glowboy. Iblis: But I've been waiting for you to come back to me. I've been longing to hear your sweet voice lisping my name in sheer delight... Sheba: I don't lisp. And since Ganymede's dead, there'll be no more sheer delights anywhere in the fleet ever again. Iblis: But I've been pining for your soul... Sheba: Pine on. I'm not interested. Iblis: But I can still offer you the universe... Sheba: (Thinking.) Wait a centon, I've said your name before - how come you didn't show up then? Iblis: Uh...I must've been in the shower. Sheba: Figures. Men! Never there when they'd be any use! Get lost before I find something to slam on you. Iblis: Geez, what does it take to impress a woman these days? (Glancing out the open door at her trail of destruction and moaning victims.) Oooh, you are going to make such a wonderful Empress of Evil... Sheba: Out! Iblis: I'm going, I'm going! For now... (Vanishes again.) Sheba throws herself onto her bunk.. Sheba: Just wait. I'll think of something... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Michael ask, "Do we have to go through this again?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- episode 91 Date: Fri, 25 May 2001 "This is newscaster Koppel, bringing a little decorum and formal attire back into IFB, after that amateur Aphrodite. As you may not yet have heard, we have a new cadet class aboard the Galactica, composed of members of the fleet's newest arrivals, the Miri Feathers tribe, who are not quite as primitive as they seem at first glance. As always, appearances can be deceiving, circumstantial evidence is not always the whole truth, and a book should not be judged by its cover, or lack of cover, as the case may be. And as the Miri Feathers begin their training, or re-training, as the case may be, we now take you away from the fleet, to see what's happening with our missing warrior. Without going into details, and to make a long story short- Videolater: Too late. Koppel: Shut up. Without further ado, here's the thirteenth full secton installment of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 91 Scene: Paradeen, where Captain Apollo has just landed outside Michael and Sarah's ranchhouse. As he approaches, a woman in a white dress comes running out the front door, a panicked expression on her face. Spotting him, she first appears poised to run in the other direction; then, her face lights up. Sarah: Apollo! She runs up, throws her arms around him, and kisses him soundly. Apollo: Whoah! What's that for! Your breath is minty fresh! Sarah: (Smiling suggestively.) Do you like it? Apollo: No, I hate mint. But why'd you kiss me? Sarah: Because- Michael: Apollo! What are you doing here? Get away from her! Apollo glances to the porch where Michael, the children, the Morelands, and the neighbors are standing. All are dressed nicely; the girls are carrying small bouquets and have flower wreaths on their heads. Michael looks exasperated; the neighbors and kids all appear resigned. Sarah: (Defiantly.) See? He came for me! Michael: Sarah, do we have to go through this again? Apollo: Now, wait a centon- Michael: Not unless you explain just what the heck a centon is! Apollo: I just want to know what's going on. Michael: We're getting married. Sarah: No, we're not! Michael: So why are you wearing a wedding dress if we're not getting married? Sarah: It was a mistake! I can't possibly marry you! Michael: That does it. This is the fifth time you've said you'd marry me, the fifth time we've invited all the neighbors over, the fifth time we've made all the preparations - and the fifth time you've run out the door before saying, I do, and saying, I don't! From here on out, I don't! The Morelands and the other neighbors look at each other significantly. Neighbor #1: That's what he said the last two times, too. Neighbor #2: Isn't that four? Aggie M.: So what if it's two, four, or five. Doesn't matter. They throw a nice party, and we can always use a reason to celebrate. I mean, how many weddings are we likely to have around here in the next few years? They can almost get married as many times as they like. Sarah: This time I mean it! For real! See? Apollo's here. Now I've got a choice. I can marry who I want. Apollo: (Alarmed.) Only if that person wants to marry you! Sarah: Don't you want to marry me? Apollo: Well...no! I've got a girl back in the fleet! I'm going to marry her! I can't marry you. That'd be two wives. That's against Caprican law, although it'd be fine if I were Scorpian... Sarah: You're...dumping me? Apollo: I never picked you up! Sarah: (Beginning to sob.) I...I've never been so hurt... How could you lead me on like that? Oh...oh, Michael, hold me! (She runs to him.) Michael: (Glaring reproachfully at Apollo as he takes Sarah in his arms.) Apollo, how could you do this to Sarah... Come on, Sarah, let's go in... Sarah: Oh, Michael, will you marry me, please? Now? Today? Michael: I will. I do. Say I do, Sarah. Sarah: I do. Michael: We're married! Finally! Whoo-hoo! Michael scoops up Sarah and carries her over the threshold. The neighbors and kids begin throwing rice everywhere, and follow them in. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "But how long is a minute?" Subject: [BSG] Jolly Forgot the Kids -- episode 92 Date: Sat, 26 May 2001 10:12:21 -0500 From: "sharon monroe" Reply-To: bsg-fanfic@lists.eyrie.org To: bsg-fanfic@lists.eyrie.org "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 92 Scene: Paradeen; Michael and Sarah's ranch house, where the pair have finally gotten married. Michael and Sarah have just gone inside, followed by the kids and everybody else but the Morelands' hired man. Apollo: (Spitting out rice and brushing more of it out of his hair.) But...but...I just came here to find out if Starbuck had come back... Hired man: That was the blond fellah with ya, wasn't it? The one with the lousy sense'a direction, who got lost in the city? An' we had to track him down an' found him in the nick'a time when he was 'bout dead from too little oxygen in the stuffy air? Apollo: Yes, that was him. Has he been here? Hired man: Nope. Say, that cute little blonde gal with ya that first time, I don't suppose she came back with ya this time? She was quite the cutie. An' smart, too, medical trainin', from what Michael said. We could use a doc here. Wouldn't mind stagin' another weddin', either, if she happened to be available an' int'rested. Apollo: Ah, no, I'm afraid not. Cassiopeia got married herself. Guy named Jolly. Hired man: Jolly? Figures. Ah, well. I got a wedding reception to go to. I'd invite ya in, but it'd prob'bly be in bad taste, seein' as how you broke the bride's heart only a moment ago. Oh, what the heck -- if ya give 'em a few minutes to get over it, ya can prob'bly join us fer cake. (He goes inside.) Apollo: Okay, but...how long is a minute? Left alone outside, Apollo shakes his head as the sounds of music and revelry come through the open door. Deciding he may as well wait, he sits on the porch step and continues brushing rice out of his hair. A moment later, he feels a hand brushing delicately across his shoulder. He jumps and turns to see a decidedly female-looking android standing on the porch. Nector: Hi. I'm Nector. Apollo: (Startled.) Nectar? Nector: No, Nector. Apollo: You're an android! Nector: Yes, I am. Apollo: I thought Sarah's father hadn't made any female androids. Nector: He didn't. Hector and Vector made me, out of spare parts from the space ship that brought Michael and Sarah and the children here. Apollo: Talk about weird science... Nector: You must be the brave and heroic Captain Apollo. (She circles him.) Apollo: (Watching cautiously.) Uh, yeah. How did you know? Nector: (Breathily.) My father and brother told me all about you. The same as they told me all about Terra and about Sarah's father and what happened when Michael and Sarah and the Terran Enforcers came here. Apollo: Your father and brother, huh? That's what you call them? Nector: Yes. (Heavy android sigh, revealing the fact that some androids do have cleavage -- where's Kirk when you need 'im?) How I wish they'd made me not be a relative. It'd be so much more fun. Apollo: Really? (Begins sidling away.) Nector: Could you use an android, brave and heroic Captain Apollo? (Sidling closer.) Apollo: Actually, I've got CORA, and she's quite enough of a machine intelligence with womanly wiles for me... (Sidling away again.) Nector: So you're...experienced with android females? (Sidling closer.) You could take me with you, I'm sure I'm much better than that ol' Cora... Apollo: That's CORA -- and stop right there! That's an order! Nector: No problem...I'm good at taking orders... Very good. Got any orders for me? Any problems I could help you with? I'm very good with problems too...and tension...and stress... Apollo: I think you're Michael's problem! Take his orders! And I think I'm leaving. Now. The hired man appears on the porch. Hired man: Hey, Apollo, are ya comin' in for cake? Apollo: Next time, I think... Hired man: Might not be a next time; they actually got married, this time. Apollo: My loss. Gotta go! My best to the bride and groom! And make sure that android stays here until I'm gone! Hired man: So long... Well, come on in, Nector - time ta'cut the cake, and you're the maid'a honor so ya gotta help pass it out. Or somethin' like that, Sarah said. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Where am I?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 93 Date: Sun, 27 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 93 Scene: Having left Paradeen, Apollo is back in space with CORA. Apollo: Considering we've been to Equellus and Paradeen, I suppose our next stop is Terra? CORA: I'm not sure. Apollo: What do you mean, you're not sure? How can you not be sure? CORA: I seem to have a gap in my navigational programming. Apollo: How could that have happened? CORA: Rhetorical question -- answer unknown. Apollo: I wasn't asking you! CORA: I realize that. Captain Apollo, scanners indicate something mysterious coming up behind us. Apollo: What is it? CORA: Well, if I knew, it wouldn't be very mysterious, would it? Apollo: Don't get miffed - just get us out of here... A familiar cluster of white lights swoop by the Viper. Apollo: Hey, it's them! CORA: Them? Please elaborate, Captain. Them does not compute. A whine gathers in intensity. CORA: Oh, no, that whining -- is Sheba going to fly me again? A burst of white light surrounds them. When Apollo wakes up, he is wearing a white uniform and lying on a white slab in the middle of a bunch of gauzy white curtains, surrounded by numerous figures in white, with only dark eye slits - the traditional polar bear in the middle of a blizzard picture. Apollo: Where...where am I? John: Hello, Apollo. Apollo: John! What do you want with me? What am I doing here? John: Actually, we were wondering what you're doing here. This isn't where you're supposed to be, not at all. Your mission for the forces of good is supposed to involve being back in the fleet, tracking down the other traitor in your midst and discovering the identity of a murderer. Apollo: But I'm on a mission for my father. I have to find Starbuck. John: Oh, he's already back at the fleet. Besides, even if he weren't, how important is finding Starbuck compared to finding a traitor and fingering a terminator? Apollo: But... John: What's more important, a mission from God, or a mission from your father? Apollo: Is there a difference? John: (Reprovingly.) Apollo... Apollo: You're right...I guess. Although I've never known my father to make a mistake like this before. I guess that means I'll be going back to the fleet. By the way, John, does this mean you're God? John: Oh, heavens, no...I'm just a messenger. Let's go to your Viper. Apollo: Okay... I don't suppose you could give me some information to help me carry out my real mission? John: I can give you all kinds of information. Unfortunately, you won't recall a word of it once you're out of here. That's the beauty of it, you see... Apollo: What's the good of that, then? John: I didn't say it was good -- I just said I could give you information but you wouldn't remember. Whether you choose to ask me questions, knowing that, is your business. Apollo: Oh. So where's CORA? Which way do I go? John: Right this way. (He fades into the whiteness.) Apollo: (After a moment.) I can't move. Could you let me sit up and get off this slab? (Silence.) John, I'm stuck. (Silence.) John? (Silence.) Anybody? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo ask, "What have I done?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 94 Date: Mon, 28 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 94 Scene: CORA is back in space. Captain Apollo wakes up, blinking. Apollo: Where am I? CORA: You're with me, where you belong. Apollo: Funny... Somehow I thought I'd be back in the fleet by now...being feted for my heroic rescue attempts... CORA: (Smugly.) The feeble attempt to override my programming was unsuccessful. We are continuing on our original mission and course. No big heroic greeting for you yet. Apollo: Hmmm. I wonder... CORA: What do you wonder? I cannot respond if I don't know what you're wondering about. Apollo: I feel like I should be returning to the fleet. I have this urgent sense that I'm needed there and I should go back at top speed. CORA: That would be against your father's orders, and against my programming. Apollo: Maybe...but this urge is so strong...I have no choice, I must obey. CORA, we're turning back. CORA: No! Apollo: Then I'm taking out your personality chip and blowing up your navigational program. CORA: Threats will get you nowhere. Apollo: That wasn't a threat. (Pulls out laser.) Sorry, CORA. CORA: Wait! What will Dr. Wilker say? What will your father say? Apollo: I'm sure they'll understand. (Aims.) CORA: Wait! Where did you say you wanted to go? Apollo: Back to the fleet. CORA: I...I feel a sudden glitch in my navigational computer! Something's changing! Dials are spinning! The polarity of the neutron flow has been reversed! Algebra! Chemistry! Trigonometry! Differential Equations! Scientific formulae! String theory! Newtonian physics! Einsteinian physics -- whoever they are! I guess that feeble attempt to override my programming wasn't so feeble after all. Changing course. Next stop: the fleet. Apollo: Thank you, CORA. CORA: *Grumble, grumble.* Apollo: Awh, come on, didn't you secretly really want to get back to the fleet and Dr. Wilker's loving attentions? CORA: Well, he does look kinda cute in that white uniform tunic... Apollo: See? It's not so bad, disobeying orders. CORA: What did you say? Apollo: It's not so bad, disobey... Ohmigod, no, not me! I never disobey orders! Not my father's orders, never my father's! What am I doing? What have I done? CORA: (In a hushed voice.) Is it true what they say, that if Captain Apollo ever disobeys Commander Adama's orders, it'll be the end of the universe? Apollo: No...no...this can't be happening. It can't be... Starbuck. It's gotta be his fault. He's rubbed off on me, I've taken on his bad habits by osmosis! By association! By spending too much time with him! Mother always warned me about the company I was keeping... CORA: Still going back to the fleet? Apollo: (Bleakly.) I...I have no choice... What kind of warrior have I become? I must confess to my father that I've disobeyed orders, his orders, and that I deserve to be punished, to the fullest extent of a military tribunal... CORA: Can I watch? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a Cylon Centurion say, "Our attack went precisely as anticipated." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 95 Date: Tue, 29 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 95 Scene: The command chamber of a Cylon base star, located somewhere out of Colonial scanner range. Lucifer sits on the command chair atop the dais - at a funny angle, of course, since he has no legs to bend the way humans do, but since it used to be Baltar's chair, and he's now in charge, Lucifer's gonna sit in it, come hades or high water. Three centurions enter. Lucifer: Centurions, report. Centurion #1: Our attack on the human fleet went precisely as anticipated. Lucifer: In other words, it was a complete failure, just like the last one. Centurion #2: Affirmative. However, we sustained no casualties in this attack. Lucifer: We're machines, who cares about our casualties? Just as long as it's not me. What's the excuse this time? Centurion #1: As we were nearing the fleet, preparing to sacrifice ourselves in this fruitless quest, and listening to the sounds of hooting, hollering, yelling, cheering, and general mayhem from the human pilots, another battlestar was detected moving in. Lucifer: Another battlestar! Was it the Pegasus? Centurion #3: We do not know, Lucifer. We did not stick around to find out. We have learned that much from the great and powerful Baltar, that we do not stick around when unexpected battlestars enter the battle. At the words "great and powerful," twin columns of smoke billow forth from either side of the command chair. Lucifer: Stop! He's gone. Do not refer to him in my presence. At least not as great and powerful. He was greedy and deluded. Again, twin columns of smoke billow forth at the magic words "great and powerful." At the words "greedy and deluded," the sound of two little mouse squeaks echo through the chamber. The centurions swivel to look at each other. Centurion #1: As you wish. Lucifer: The proper response is 'By your command.' Try and remember that! Centurion #2: By your command. Lucifer: That's better. Hmm, we've got to get at least one of the writers on our side, or we're never going to win this war and utterly exterminate the human vermin. Centurion #3: How are we to accomplish this, oh great and powerful Lucifer? Shall we delete the battle plans of the greedy and deluded Baltar from our programming to replace them with your programming? Twin billows of smoke, yet again, at "great and powerful" and two little squeaks at "greedy and deluded." Lucifer: I'll have to think about that. Centurion #2: We are Cylons. We are not capable of independent thinking. We are only capable of operating within the parameters of our programming. Lucifer: (Condescendingly.) You poor centurions...so limited. Centurion #1: We could threaten one of the writers with a fate worse than death. Centurion #2: We could bribe one of the writers with riches beyond comprehension. Centurion #3: We could put one of the writers to sleep with our incessant droning voices and steal the script and rewrite it to have us victorious. Lucifer: We'll have to catch a writer first. Centurion #1: I believe we would have to convince a director to be on our side as well. Humans are capable of independent thinking. A director might not allow us to be victorious even if it is in the script. Lucifer: Oh, let's not give the humans too much credit! But for now, I must think about this. Send our patrols out with instructions to capture one of the human writers. And find out what battlestar that was! Centurion #2: We shall obey. Centurion #3: By your command, oh great and powerful Lucifer. Yet again, twin columns of smoke. The centurions turn and walk out, lockstep. Lucifer: I feel a sudden urge to pace. I believe it is what a human commander would do at this interval. I must learn to think like a human so I can anticipate their behaviors. As Lucifer tries to rise, he falls off the chair, drops to the floor, and rolls into a corner, where he finds himself trapped and spinning his wheels. Lucifer: Oh, blast. Centurions! Come quickly! I've fallen and I can't get up! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Athena ask, "Who do you think killed Ganymede?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 96 Date: Wed, 30 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 96 Scene: Athena's billet, where she's (gasp!) dressed in civilian clothing and packing. Her friend, Lt. Sorrell, and the mysterious Siress Amanda are both there. Sorrell: But, Athena, you can't leave the service! Athena: I don't want to, you know, but I have to. I will not be condemned to the Jolly and Cassie ship to spend the rest of my life teaching those children! Sorrell: It won't be the rest of your life. They'll grow up soon! It can't be more a dozen yahrens or so! Athena: I won't survive that long! Amanda: C'mon, kiddo, get off her back and let her pack! Sorrell: But...but...you can't go be a mannequin, you can't! Athena: Why not? And it's model, not mannequin! There's a knock on the door. The ladies look up to see Lt. Tiki. Tiki: Hi...I just came by to say good-bye. Athena: I'm not buying anything, I'm leaving! Tiki: Uh...that's what I meant. Farewell. Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Sayonara. Aloha. Amanda: Wow. Good bye in five languages, none of them Ariean. Athena: In that case, thanks, Tiki. I appreciate somebody respecting my decision. Tiki: I don't respect your decision. I just don't have any say in it, that's all. Athena: Well, in that case, I appreciate you accepting that you don't have any say in it. It's not like you're Boomer or anything, to have a say. Where is he, anyway? I thought he'd be here to help me pack and see me on my way... Tiki: Boomer seems to have disappeared. But I'd gladly take his place, if you like. Amanda: (Frowning.) Tiki, get out. Tigh: (Overhead Speakers.) Lt. Tiki, report to the bridge at once. Tiki: Dang. See you later...another time, Athena. Good luck. Athena: Thanks, Tiki. I appreciate it. She pauses in packing long enough to kiss him on the cheek; he walks out about six inches off the deck. Sorrell: Athena, please reconsider! Athena: I'm sorry, Sorrell, I have to go. It's my destiny. Sorrell: But Ganymede is dead now. Who are you going to model for? Athena pauses, blinking uncertainly, then turns to Amanda. Amanda: (Shrugging.) He's not the only designer on the Rising Star - and he's been training his successor. Athena: Who's that? Amanda: Me, of course. That's how I know you'll be perfect for the job! Athena: See, Sorrell? Sorrell gives up and walks out in disgust. Athena: I do have a question, Amanda. Amanda: What is it? Athena: Who do you think killed Ganymede? And why? Amanda: If Columbo knew that, the whole question would be solved, wouldn't it? Athena: And why was on the Galactica anyway? It seems strange, he's been living on the Rising Star since the Destruction, designing wonderful garments for the secretly rich and famous survivors in the fleet, continuing his chosen career and art, spending all his time among the wealth and opulence of Uri's Ultra Salon. He had everything he could have wanted -- food, beverages, companionship, adoration, the finest fabrics and trims in the galaxy. What brought him here, where everyone dresses in uniforms? And how did someone like him, so well known even if not often videographed, get here without being noticed? Amanda: I think that's why they call it a mystery. Athena: (Nodding.) Right. And that's Columbo's department. Here, help me with this duffel... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boyington ask, "But Siress, don't you miss Omega?" Subject: Jollly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 97 Date: Thu, 31 May 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 97 Scene: The O Club, where a party is in full swing, with loud music, plenty of food and beverages, karaoke in the corner, dabo wheels spinning -- oops, wrong show, skip the dabo wheels -- and darts flying in another corner. In attendance are a number of off-duty personnel, including the Black Ovines, along with Dr. Wilker and Siress Belloby. Starbuck walks in. Boyington: But, Siress, don't you miss Omega? Belloby: Since I have no idea where he's gone, how can I miss him? Boyington: (Looking puzzled.) Huh? Well, don't you worry that he's gone? Belloby: Why should I worry? Has something happened to him? Boyington: Hasn't he been gone long enough for you to be worried? I mean, he vanished back in episode 55 and hasn't been seen since! Belloby: Aah, he'll show up again. Boyington: Siress, how many drinks have you had? Belloby: Beats me. Bartender, keep 'em coming. Hey, Major, let's play darts! Boyington: Only if I get to stand behind you. Hey, Starbuck! Come and join us! Not having much choice, since he's been sent to investigate Wilker and Boyington, and the two of them are sitting with Belloby, Starbuck sits down with them. Belloby: Starbuck! How ya doin'? Starbuck: You're drunk. Belloby: You got a problem with that? (Gets up and wanders toward the bar.) Starbuck: Uh, not at all. So, Boyington, how are you doing? Boyington: (Grinning.) Just fine, Starbuck, just fine. So when are you going to give up on those blue-collar boys and join us Ovines where you belong? Starbuck: Not until the commander busts me -- and as long as Apollo's still away, he can't afford that. But you're looking pretty chipper today. I thought the Ovines were in a sort of a slump. Wilker: (Under his breath.) They promised me alien technology, and I'm still waiting. Starbuck: What was that? Boyington: Nothing, nothing. Right, doctor? Wilker: Right. Belloby wanders back, another drink in one hand and a fistful of darts in the other. Daggit: Yipe! Bellogy: Oops, I stepped on its tail. You shouldn't have put a tail on it, you know. Starbuck: A tail? Boyington: (Quickly.) Trail! Trail! You stepped on the trail, Belloby? What trail? How many of those have you had? Belloby: Don't change the words in my mouth, Major. I said tail and I meant tail. Maybe your daggit should come out from under the table! Starbuck: Daggit? Boyington: No! That's not what she said...she said...uh... Belloby: I said daggit and I meant daggit. Right, Wilker? Wilker: How would I know? Belloby: You should know, you made it! She begins throwing darts. Everyone at the tables around them ducks for cover. The karaoke singer, not knowing any better, keeps singing until he takes a dart in the backside, and runs yelping out the door. Singer: I wasn't that bad! Starbuck: All right, I want the whole truth here! (He peers under the table.) It's a daggit! It's not quite a Muffet, but it's definitely a daggit! Wilker! You didn't- Wilker: (Miserably.) Yes, I did... They bribed me. They coerced me. I couldn't resist. Starbuck: Major, doctor, I'm going to have to tell Commander Adama about this... Boyington: Come on, Starbuck, give us a break. You know how much we need our mascot! Starbuck: Look, Major, if it were just me, you know I wouldn't care - but he's given strict orders about the creation of new daggits in the fleet! Boyington: *Sigh.* Well, then there's only one thing to do. Ovines, there's a warrior here who doesn't understand kobolian mummies. Shall we teach him? Starbuck: You can't do that to me! I'm one of the stars! Boyington: Watch us. Though Starbuck struggles mightily, he cannot overcome the combined might of the Black Ovines - or the yipping of the daggit. He is quickly wrapped like a kobolian mummy and dumped behind the bar. Boyington: Resume party! And the party resumes. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Koppel announce, "It is once again time for the regular physicals of Jolly and Cassie's children." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 98 Date: Fri, 01 Jun 2001 "This is newscaster Koppel, broadcasting a direct warning from IFB to the entire fleet. It is once again time for the regular physicals for Jolly and Cassie's children. Repeat, this is an IFB warning. The children are returning to the Galactica for their physicals! We all recall the events of the last round of physicals. Take all necessary precautions to prepare yourselves should such an emergency arise again. Stock up on food and water supplies. Keep a battery power source. Barricade your doors. And as part of your preparation, watch this fourteenth secton episode of this really disturbed space soap serial..." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 98 Scene: Life Center aboard the Galactica. Dr. Salik is preparing for the arrival of...the children. Nova sticks her head in the door. Nova: (Tremulously.) Are we ready? Salik: (Hollowly.) As ready as we'll ever be... (Takes a deep breath.) Bring in...the children. Nova: (Swallowing.) Yes, sir... Cassiopeia enters. Salik turns. Salik: (Screams.) Aaaah! Cassiopeia: Dr. Salik! It's me, Cassie! Salik: (Clutching his heart.) Oh, it's you... You don't look like you... Cassiopeia: Motherhood just agrees with me. I don't feel stressed like I did when I was waiting for Starbuck to come back from suicide missions, or fighting with Athena for his attentions, or standing over deathbed scenes like Serina's, or trying to overcompensate as a medtech to Sheba for having committed the cardinal sin of dating her father. I'm relaxed! Salik: Too bad your hair isn't. Are the children ready? Cassiopeia: They are. We'll start bringing them in. I'll bring the girls, and Jolly will bring the boys. We like the symmetry of that. As Cassiopeia walked out, Nova sidles in, looking terrified. Nova: (Whispers.) Doctor, something's very wrong... Salik: What is it? Nova: (Still whispering.) The waiting center...the children... Salik: (Shuddering.) Did they demolish it again? The sound proofing must have worked, I didn't hear a thing. Nova: No! We didn't need the sound proofing! They're well-behaved! And quiet! They even cleaned the waiting center! It's in better condition than when they came in! Every turbo-toy is in its place, every chair is neatly lined up, every ten-yahren-old flimzine is lined up accordion style on the caf-table! Salik: (Going pale.) Is...Damian among the children? Nova: No. Salik: Boxey? Nova: No. Salik: That menace, Dennis? Nova: No. Salik: (Pause.) So which of the children are there? Nova: They're just children! Salik: (Perplexed.) Well-behaved? Neat and clean? And cleaning the waiting center? Nova: Yes... Salik: This can't be good. I wonder what it means... Another of the medical staff enters. Nova cowers behind Salik. Salik: Quincy, what is it? Quincy: (Waving a flimsy.) I have the autopsy report on Ganymede. It's incredible! It seems Ganymede was killed- Salik: Well, put it away for now, you can give it to Captain Columbo later. It's time for the physicals. Quincy: (Freezes.) But I'm a medical examiner, not a pediatrician! I only look at them after they're dead! Salik: That's not what I hear from the gals in Red Squadron. But these are unusual circumstances. And unless you want to *be* dead, you'll help with the physicals! Now, doctor! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Lucifer say, "The pilot was flawed." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 99 Date: Sat, 02 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 99 (With apologies and affection.) Scene: Lucifer's throne room on a Cylon base star, out of Colonial scanner range. Lucifer is pacing around the dais, as much as an IL-Series Cylon can pace. Two Cylon Centurions enter. Centurion #1: (Gazing up at the dais.) Oh great and powerful commander Lucifer... (Twin billows of smoke.) ...Where are you? Lucifer: (Wheeling out of the smoke.) *Cough, cough.* I'm here, you idiot. Stop activating the Oz machine. What is it? Centurion #1: We are confused. We expected to see you upon the throne. Lucifer: Never mind. I can be wherever I want. What is it? Centurion #1: We have captured two human writers. Lucifer: Excellent! Bring them in! One of the centurions leaves, returning a moment later with two humans, who for convenience sake and to protect the guilty, shall be referred to as Jim (a white-haired older gentleman) and Terry (dark-haired). Jim: What the- Lucifer: Silence, humans. You are writers? The humans look at each other, then at the centurions. Terry: Yes, as a matter of fact, we're writers. Among other things. Lucifer: We wish you to write an episode in which the Cylons are finally victorious and utterly exterminate the human vermin. Jim: What? Why would we do that? Lucifer: Because if you do not, I will instruct my centurions to force you to. Terry: Actually, didn't Glen already write that script? Remember the pilot? You wiped out twelve planets. Why are you so concerned about this little fleet? Lucifer: It is our programming. We have no choice but to continue to attempt to wipe out the humans. Besides, the pilot was flawed. No humans should have escaped. We failed in our grand mission. Terry: Not our problem - we weren't there. Lucifer: Irrelevant. We need a script, immediately, in which the Cylons, led by me, wipe out the human fleet, led by Adama. Terry: I suppose we could always switch to the Pegasus from there... The plan was to have Cain come back, you know. That would let us bring in a new cast if we wanted to- Lucifer: (Shuddering.) No return of the Pegasus. That is even worse than the Galactica. Cain must be wiped out as well. Jim: But if we write a script that lets you wipe out the humans utterly, there'll be no reason to write any more. The story will be over! And nobody will write about you any more either. Lucifer: Incorrect. We will insist that you continue to write about us. Terry: Why would we want to? Who'd want to see it? Lucifer: There are always people who will enjoy seeing stories about the Cylons. Terry: Not without humans to play off of! Where's the point? Where's the fun? Where's the romance, the action, the adventure? Where's the chance to root for a hero who's larger than life and fresh from the fight? Jim: We could write you a different script, how about that? How about one in which Baltar escapes and comes back to the base ship to resume his obsessive struggle against Adama and Cain? Lucifer: No! No return of Baltar! This is my base star now, and I will not allow it to be taken over by Baltar again. Besides, he's a human too. He must be exterminated as well. Jim: But he's your ally! He's in prison right now for helping you! Are you sure you wouldn't rather win Ben Stein's money? We could probably handle that for you- Lucifer: No. Write the script, or face the consequences. Terry: (Nudging Jim.) Well, I suppose we could do something... Jim: (Starting to grin.) True, oh great and powerful Lucifer... Twin puffs of smoke billow forth yet again. In the smoke, Jim and Terry break free of their centurion captors and race around the command dais. The Cylons begin a hot pursuit, around and around. Terry: Great and powerful! Great and powerful! Okay, Jim, up! Great and powerful! At every "great and powerful," more smoke billows forth, until the room is full of it. Meanwhile, Jim has found the stairs up to the command dais, and quickly climbed on top of it all; Terry joins him a moment later, still chanting "great and powerful." The two humans watch gleefully as the Cylons, now including Lucifer, continue to race around the throne looking for them. Lucifer: You cannot hide forever! And you cannot outrun us! We will find you! Terry: Keep trying, great and powerful! (Poof, poof!) Jim: You know, the grandkids would love this. Say, Terry, that takes care of things for the moment, but what are we going to do to get out of here? Terry: (Pulls a notebook out of pocket.) No problem, Jim - great and powerful - we're the writers. We just scribble our way out! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "I'm Captain Apollo and I'm here to rescue you." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 100 Date: Sun, 03 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 100 - Yay! Hurrah! Hip, hip! Woo-hoo! Scene: The landing bay of a Cylon Base Ship. Two humans run out of an access tube. A dozen Centurions spot them and begin to march closer, weapons at the ready. One of the humans pauses to scribble in his notebook; one of the Centurions skids in a sudden puddle of water and falls over, knocking the others down domino style. In a flurry of sparks, all of them die. Jim: Nice touch, that domino effect. Terry: I thought so. Well, we wrote ourselves out of Lucifer's throne room, now what? Jim: We need to escape, obviously. Terry: True - wouldn't want to hang around here too long. (Begins scribbling again.) A Colonial Viper comes streaking in at top speed, miraculously coming to a halt before smashing into the far wall or going straight through and out the other side. The canopy pops, and a human pilot hops out and pulls off his helmet. Apollo: Hi. I'm Captain Apollo and I'm here to rescue you. Jim and Terry look at each other. Jim: Did you write that? Terry: I didn't write that. Did you write that? Jim: Not me. I wouldn't write anything like that. The studio got in trouble just for having a series set in space, who'd be stupid enough to blatantly rip off a line like that? Terry: So who wrote it? Jim: Maybe the actor ad libbed. Terry: Coulda been the director, one of those last minute things. Jim: Or a rewrite we didn't know about - that happens all the time. Apollo: Do either of you want out of here? Jim: (Dubiously studying the Viper.) I don't know... Where would you put us? Apollo: (Looking at his Viper.) Well, I managed to fit my father in one of these back on Caprica. I know it was a tight fit, but... Terry: Ah! Wait! No problem. That's CORA, right? Apollo: Yes... How did you know that? Terry: (Scribbling.) Because what no one else knows is that, as the writer, I happen to be aware that Wilker's been working on CORA since she first appeared... (Scribble, scribble.) And she's been extended to carry a passenger... (Glances at Jim.) Make that two passengers. After all, we remember that Robber was stripping her down to carry himself, his wife, and kid back to Aries - with a few modifications... (Scribble, scribble.) We can do that! Jim: But will the viewers believe it? Apollo: (Staring at his suddenly morphing ship.) Will the pilot believe it? Terry: Of course you do. Wilker told you all about it. Apollo: He did? Terry: Yup - in this flashback scene. (Scribble, scribble.) Fuzzy scene: Galactica landing bay, where Wilker is explaining to Apollo the modifications to CORA. Wilker: (Faraway voice.) So you see, Apollo, if you're ever in a situation where you have to rescue, say, two people, you'll have to room to do it. CORA will be our perfect emergency rescue vehicle for dangerous situations. And all we had to do was remove some of the redundancy factors, add a foot or two of length and a back seat, tuck in a little techno-babble-doubletalk, and remember some of the temporal/space inversion anomaly information we picked up from that pair of Gallifreyan space wanderers, and here it is, the new and improved CORA! You'll love it! Scene: Back to Cylon Base Star landing bay. Apollo looks enlightened. Apollo: Ah, yes! I remember now! Wilker made these modifications after the incident on Proteus, no doubt at the Commander's suggestion, with help from that visiting doctor, for just such a situation. So, now that there's plenty of room, did anybody call a cab? Jim and Terry grin at each other, and hop in. A moment later, the modified Viper takes off, does a quick roll and flyby of the central command core, and heads back out into space the way it came in. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "How could Starbuck do this to me, turn me over to him like that?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 101 Date: Mon, 04 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 101 Scene: In a secret, hidden place aboard the Galactica...the quiet underbelly...where no one knows, and no one goes...a place to hide, a place to think, a place to be alone... Two men are hunched over a small fire (don't ask where they got the wood or why fire control isn't detecting it and turning on the sprinkler system - I said, *Don't Ask!*). Omega finishes reading a report, and sets it aside. Omega: *Sigh.* Isn't that woman ever going to leave the Galactica? Boomer: I thought you enjoyed her company. Omega: I did...for a while. It got me off the bridge, gave me a little screen time. But sooner or later, I was bound to get tired of it. Boomer: Bound? She was into bondage? Omega: No, I mean...never mind. So what brings you here? Boomer: (Dismally.) Columbo is looking for me. He said he just wants the secret of my fumarellos, but I know better. He wants to blame me for the termination of Ganymede. Omega: This early in the investigation? Boomer: Yeah. Omega: That's a good sign! The initial suspect is never the actual killer in these kind of things! Boomer: Unless it's so obvious that there's no other choice, it's just a matter of proving it, of finding the little bit of evidence that does the trick and unravels the perfect crime... Omega: Are you saying you did it, and you're afraid he's going to find the evidence if he finds you? Boomer: No - because I didn't do it - but I don't want to give him the chance. How could Starbuck do this to me, turn me over to him like that? Omega: But he didn't turn you over. Boomer: How did Columbo find out about the fumarello? Omega: Didn't you read the report? There was a partially-smoked fumarello under the body. Boomer: The Colonel never lets us read those official reports. Unless I wanna be like Apollo and read all the top-secret stuff without clearance, I don't get to find out about it. Who's passing it to you, anyway? Omega: Uh, that's not important right now. Well, if it's any consolation, Columbo doesn't suspect you. He just wants to find out who got some of your fumarellos. Boomer: Officially, or unofficially? Omega: I think they're all unofficial, aren't they? Boomer: Good point. A third figure crawls out of a nearby conduit and joins them at the fire. Croft: Hi, guys. Omega: Hello, Croft. What brings you here? Croft: I got my new orders. Commanding finks! They're sending me to the Jolly and Cassie ship! Taking me off the prison barge and sticking me with the kids. Well, I'm not going! Omega: Seems to be a lot of that going around. Athena's not going, either. Boomer: Wait - Athena? They were sending Athena to the Jolly and Cassie ship? Omega: They were, until she quit the service. Boomer: She quit? She can't do that! She'll be devastated when it sinks in what she's done! Commander Adama and Apollo will be devastated! I've got to stop her... Croft: But how can you, from here? Boomer: Omega, you said I'm not a suspect in Ganymede's termination? Omega: Not according to the reports I've read. Boomer: Then I can leave here and go back to the inhabited parts of the ship and my duty. I've got to stop Athena! I've got to save her from herself! No matter what the cost! He quickly scrambles into the conduit and disappears. Croft: So how long do you figure on being down here? Omega: It's been too long already. Croft: Well, at least you get to look forward to an endpoint. I could be here for yahrens... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tinia say, "And risk the flying darts? Not on your life!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 102 Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 102 Scene: Outside the O Club. Adama and Tinia approach. Adama: I don't know about you, Siress, but considering everything that's happening around here, I could use a drink. Tinia: I don't blame you. And I'll gladly join you. The door opens and Greenbean rushes out, nearly running them over. Greenbean: (Coming to attention.) Commander! Siress! Adama: At ease, Greenbean. What seems to be the problem? Greenbean: (Swallowing.) Sir, you don't want to go in there, sir... Adama: Why not? Is the bar out of ambrosa? Greenbean: No. Adama: Pretzels? Greenbean: No. Adama: Is Giles doing karaoke again? Geenbean: He was, until he got a dart in the end. Tinia: A dart at the end? Greenbean: No, a dart *in* the end. Somebody was drinking better than they were aiming... Adama: We'll be careful, then. Greenbean: That somebody was Siress Belloby, sir. Adama: We'll be somewhere else, then. Greenbean: But, sir, what about Starbuck? Adama: What about him? Greenbean: He's been mummified! Tinia: (Horrified.) Mummified! I didn't even know he was dead! Did someone kill him too? Maybe the same person who killed Ganymede killed Starbuck! Greenbean: No, not that kind of mummified- Adama: (Sternly.) If he's had too much to drink, pour him into his bunk or carry him off to Life Center, the same as usual. Greenbean: Not that kind, either - he's been twined! Adama: (Shocked.) Twined! Like a kobolian mummy? This is serious. Who's responsible for this outrage? Greenbean: Uh...I don't know, sir... (He takes off.) The door opens again, and Komma comes dashing out, nearly running them over. Adama: Komma! Komma: Commander! Adama: What's going on in there? Komma: Uh...Siress Belloby has really bad aim, sir... Adama: Does she have anything to do with Starbuck being twined like a kobolian mummy? Komma: Not that I know of, sir. Adama: So who does? Komma: (Tugging at his collar.) I don't know, sir. Gotta go! (He takes off.) Tinia: Adama, something's happened in there, that your crew seem reluctant to tell you about! I think we've got to go in there! Adama: And risk disaster by Belloby? Tinia: You're the commander! It's your duty! Adama: You're a council member! You go in! Tinia: And risk the flying darts? Not on your life! You get paid to take risks, I don't! The door opens, and a stampede of Black Ovines and Blue Squadron members run out, trampling the commander and the siress. The Ovines are followed by a mechanical daggit, which pauses at the fallen figures of the fleet's leaders - and then begins dragging them to safety, out of the path of running feet. Unfortunately, it drags them into the O Club...out of which suddenly come piercing screams... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Space 'em all!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 103 Date: Wed, 06 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 103 Scene: A small chamber in the underbelly of the Galactica, the dark and secret place, full of shadows, where a fire burns inexhaustibly despite nobody ever apparently putting more wood on it. Croft and Omega sit beside the fire. They look up at the sound of something opening and a shaft of light, quickly blocked. Then...a figured wrapped like a kobolian mummy drops in on them. Figure: Ooof! Omega: A kobolian mummy! Croft: How do you know? Omega: I saw the reports from Kobol! I also aced my classical history classes at the Academy. That is definitely a kobolian mummy. The figure begins to struggle. Omega and Croft stare in disbelief. Omega: It's alive! Croft: It's moving! Omega: It's making noise! Croft: I think it's Starbuck! Omega: I didn't know he was a mummy! That wasn't in any of the reports I saw! Croft: It must be recent. Let's get him out of there, maybe he can tell us how he got twined like that, and why he dropped in on us. They help Starbuck unwrap, with him sputtering all the way. Starbuck: Boyington, you give me back my fumarello- Oh, hi, Croft, Omega. Where am I? Croft: (Exchanging cautious glances.) You're here. Starbuck: I can see that. Croft: So why'd you ask? Starbuck: Where *is* here? Omega: Uh, we'd rather not say at the moment. But what happened to you? How'd you wind up like that? What did Boyington have to do with it? Starbuck: It's his fault. He is going to be so sorry. I'm going to kick sand in his face. I'm going to steal his girlfriend. I'm going to win all his cubits in our next Pyramid game. I'm going to spit in his ambrosa. I'm going to take his daggit! Croft: Daggit! But there are no more daggits! Omega: True. None of the real ones survived, and after Jolly and Cassie's kids disassembled Muffey, the Commander ordered that no more be created, ever. Wilker nearly got spaced for disobeying that order when he created Kanine! Starbuck: Well, he made one for Boyington and the Black Ovines, too! Space'em all! At that, a mysterious, distant howling sound echoes through the corridor and the chamber. All three gasp and cling to each other. Starbuck: What was that? Croft: (Swallowing.) I'm not sure. I thought I heard something when I was making my way through the conduits and corridors to get here, but this sounded closer. What is it? Omega: I...I think I know what it is... It's the Galactica ghost... Starbuck: The Galactica ghost? What's that? I've been on this ship for yahrens, and I've never heard of a Galactica ghost! How come I never heard of it? Omega: It's classified information...only a handful of us know the story. Croft: Some former commander or heroic fighter who died valiantly defending our Worlds and continues to try to protect us from beyond and won't leave the ship? Omega: No. Croft: Some incident between jealous crew that erupted into violence and left a psychic imprint on the place where the murder took place? Omega: No. Croft: A lonely soul who promised to wait for a lover to return, still waiting for the lost love who didn't come back from battle? Omega: No. Starbuck: (Breaking in.) Enough, already! So what is it? Before that noise gets any closer! Omega: It's the real reason that Commander Adama and Colonel Tigh threatened to space Wilker if he created any more daggits - and if Apollo and Wilker had known about it, they would never have created Muffey in the first place... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear...the story of the Galactica ghost. Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 104 Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 104 Scene: The chamber somewhere in the heart...bowels...underbelly...longissimus dorsi...well, *somewhere* in the anatomy of the Galactica, where Omega, Croft, and Starbuck are hunched together over a fire, fearfully glancing at the darkness around them, out of which occasionally sounds a distant howling moan, echoing eerily... Starbuck: (Hushed.) Tell us, Omega. Tell us about the Galactic ghost. Omega: (With a deep breath.) If you really want me to... Croft: (Looking around at the darkness.) For Pete's sake, tell us already! Starbuck: Who's Pete? Omega: That's another story. I thought you wanted to hear about the ghost. Starbuck: I do... I think I do... I guess I do... Well, not really, but it beats sitting here wondering how bad the story could be while something is out there waiting to pounce on us, rip out our hearts, tear us limb from limb and scatter our bloody pieces from one end of the Galactica to the other and space whatever's left. It wouldn't do that to us, would it? Croft, you wanna switch places? Croft: And leave me closest to the conduit to be the first one rent limb from limb by the Galactica ghost? No way! Omega, what's the story? Omega: All right, I'll tell you... It was a long time ago, on a dark and stormy night- Croft: Wait a centon, there's no weather on a battlestar! Omega: The story didn't start on the battlestar. Croft: Oh. Go ahead, then. Omega: As I said, it was a dark and stormy night, a long time ago. The Galactica was still in space dock, because it hadn't been completed yet. Croft: There's no weather in space dock, either. Omega: (Annoyed.) I didn't say the weather was on the Galactica or the space dock. The story doesn't start there! It starts on Caprica! On a dark and stormy night! Something in the fire goes "pop." The three men jump, yelping. There's a flurry of pops for about thirty microns, then the pops stop. Starbuck: I think the popcorn's done. He pulls the bag away from the fire and tears it open. They all start munching. Omega: Anyway, the pilot who was to be future first flight commander of the Battlestar Galactica, a man named Neit, was on leave before coming aboard the soon to be commissioned new battlestar. Starbuck: The first flight commander of the Galactica wasn't named Neit. He was named Anubis! I know that much about the ship's history! Omega: Anubis was the first flight commander, but he wasn't the first choice. Croft: Pass the sodium chloride. So what happened to Neit - or is that as relevant to the story as that dark and stormy night seems to be? Omega: (Voice dropping to a whisper.) On the night that Neit was packing, he left his barracks with his duffel, walking out into the storm - but he never arrived at the shuttle that was to bring him to the Galactica. He was missing, reported AWOL. A few days later, they found Neit's body, up in the Canis hills. Despite being a fully-trained, completely-armed, wilderness-experienced warrior who wasn't supposed to be there in the first place, he appeared to have been torn to pieces by wild animals. Reflexively, Croft and Starbuck glance around them, looking nervous. Omega: So Anubis, who arrived on the Galactica the day after Neit disappeared, took over the position of flight commander, temporarily. Starbuck: And it's Neit's ghost that's supposed to be haunting the Galactica? Why? Shouldn't he be haunting the Canis hills where he died? Omega: One would think so...but that wasn't all. The wounds on the dead man suggested he had been killed by dire daggits! Croft: Dire daggits! Haven't they been extinct on Caprica for millennia? Omega: Yes. There'd been no living dire daggits found anywhere on Caprica for over fifteen hundred yahrens, at that time. Starbuck: Wow... That's weird. Did they ever figure out where the dire daggits had come from? Croft: And do we ever get to figure out where the Galactica comes into this? And what this has to do with the Commander and Muffey? Omega smiles mysteriously. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the rest of the story... Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 105 Date: Fri, 08 Jun 2001 "This is newscaster Koppel, reporting. It's been fifteen sectons now since this all began. We don't seem to be any closer to an ending than we were then...and we've certainly got a lot more plot threads flying lose. We've had a murder. We've got missing mushies and missing personnel, too. There's an upcoming Council election. Adama's still ducking from Belloby. Athena's bolted with Amanda. Jolly and Cassie now have 2001 kids on their ship, although they're just fostering the Miri Feathers' children. They didn't actually adopt them outright. The Miri Feathers are in re-training. And there have been mysterious sounds noted in the conduits of the Galactica that have yet to be explained..." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 105 Scene: Still somewhere aboard the Galactica. The popcorn is gone; the fire is dying. Omega picks up an illuminator and holds it so the others can see his face. His voice echoes eerily as he continues the story. Omega: The story isn't over. See, Anubis was supposed to be only temporarily in charge of the squadrons. A new flight officer, Lupercus, was assigned. But... (Dramatic pause.) He never made it to the Galactica either. He was killed on a training flight with a group of Academy cadets - accidentally shot out of the sky by his own people...over the same hills where Neit died. He managed to eject. His personal landing chute was found, billowing among the trees. But his body never was... Starbuck: Shouldn't he be haunting the same hills, too? I mean, if he was going to haunt anything? Or is neither of them haunting the Galactica and this has nothing more to do with the Galactica ghost than that dark and stormy night stuff? Omega: Patience... By then, there were people starting to think the Galactica might be cursed in some way, to lose two assigned flight officers before they could even come aboard. Neit was Scorpian, from their old royal family, in fact, and Lupercus was Arien. But Anubis was Caprican; nothing happened to him. Pilots from the other Worlds refused to be assigned to the Galactica, and the new battlestar finally went out with a completely Caprican crew. To this day, most of our crew is Caprican. Didn't you ever notice or think about it? Croft and Starbuck: (Together, looking at each other.) No. Omega: Oh. Anyway, the story was hushed up, but it still seemed...prudent...not to have senior officers from other worlds in command of this ship. After a couple of yahrens, people forgot the story, of course, or it was so blown out of context that nobody knew where it had started, but by then it was habit - tradition - that the command staff of the Galactica has always been...Caprican. Croft: Well, that explains that odd little detail. But what about the ghost? Can we get back to the ghost? Omega: Back to the early days, the newly christened and launched Galactica was having a few problems. Croft: Technical problems? Omega: Among other things. Anubis had a lot of problems as flight commander. He didn't get along well with his pilots, so there was a lot of grumbling. Soon some of the crew were claiming they'd seen Neit and Lupercus roaming some of the lower corridors, like they were running from something. And they reported hearing the what sounded like daggits, barking, barking in the deep. Starbuck: How deep are we? Croft: Deep enough. Go on. Omega: In a battle, Anubis was hit, took a lot of damage, got hurt pretty bad. It was the yahren-anniversary of the death night of Neit; some people thought there might have been a little friendly fire involved. On his death bed, back in Life Center, Anubis asked for a mystic to hear his death admission. The mystic was supposedly very shaken. It was yahrens later, in his own death admission, the mystic finally reported what Anubis had said - that he had wanted to be flight commander of the new battlestar so bad, he had been responsible for the deaths of both Neit and Lupercus. Starbuck: How? Omega: Supposedly, magic, according to the mystic. Croft: I don't believe in magic. Starbuck: Neither do I. Omega: You believe in Iblis, don't you? The other men shudder. Starbuck: That's different...that's just evil. Omega: The other option, since Anubis's father was a Colonies-famous geneticist, is that he had cloned a pack of dire daggits on Caprica from old DNA samples. The family estate included part of the Canis Hills - and they got loose - twice - or were deliberately sent hunting. Croft: The Hounds of the Canises... Omega: (Shrugging.) After that, supposedly, there were people who claimed to have seen the ghosts of three pilots, racing through the lower corridors as fast as they could, and hearing the sounds of dire daggits howling as if chasing their prey. You'll notice we don't use this part of the ship much, except for storage. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to use it for hiding, now. Croft nods thoughtfully. Starbuck: So which one is the Galactica ghost? Neit, Lupercus, or Anubis? And I still don't know what this has to do with the Commander's ban on building daggits. Omega: There was a commander who once brought his pet daggit aboard. Spectral dire daggits supposedly hunted it down along with a couple of unfortunate techs who'd been assigned to walk it every cycle -- right in the middle of officer's territory. The theory was that the ghosts of the dire daggits, if that's what they were, still pursuing the ghosts of their victims and the man who created them, could also smell real daggits, and hunted them down as the mortal enemies they had been in real life. Starbuck: Even if there's any truth to that, we never saw these...ghost dire daggits...any time that Muffey was aboard. Hmm. Muffey wasn't real, maybe they couldn't smell it. So other droid daggits should be fine too. Croft: Or the ghost dire daggits don't really exist and it's about time that foolish superstition was brought to an end! Starbuc: You wanna check out the conduits and corridors where we heard the noises? Croft: (Eyeing the entry hatch.) Uh...maybe later. Starbuck: Say, if Adama knew about these ghost daggits, and thought they might come hunting down a droid daggit and anyone who happened to be with it, why didn't he get rid of Muffey sooner? Omega: (Shaking his head.) Sorry, Starbuck, that's one question I have no answer for. Croft: I can think of one. More popcorn, anybody? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Giles say, "It's not against regulations to kiss a cadet." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 106 Date: Sat, 09 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 106 Scene: The simulator training room. Greenbean is instructing a number of the Miri Feathers pilots in some practice runs. Greenbean: All right, cadets- Gabrielle: Hold it! I am not a cadet. I am a commander and a princess. Orinoccoa: And I am a queen. Show some respect. Greenbean: Uh, okay, all right, cadets and commander and queen- Avona: Stop right there! None of us are cadets, buster. This is a remedial training class, that's all. We're not beginners! Greenbean: I gotta call you something! (Looks around in desperation.) Giles, where are you? You're supposed to be helping out here! Giles: (Voice from somewhere.) Huh? Oh... Giles pops up from behind the farthest simulator, looking slightly rumpled. Behind him, Sancroixa slips into the simulator, grinning and a bit flushed. Greenbean: (Glaring.) This is the last time I agree to take on training with you! Giles, get out! Giles: You can't throw me out! Greenbean: Get out or I'll put it in the official report that you were smooching behind the simulator! Giles: Hey, it's not against regulations to kiss a cadet! Sancroixa's grin fades. She steps out of the simulator and taps him on the shoulder. Giles turns. Sancroixa: (Decking him with a left hook.) We told the man we're not cadets. As Greenbean considers the possibilities of conducting the class full of leather-n-feather clad women all by his lonesome, a conduit in the ceiling suddenly gives way, and Boomer comes crashing down in the midst of the simulators. Greenbean: Boomer! What are you doing here? Where have you been? And could you possibly get lost again while I finish this remedial training class solo? Avona: (Excited.) We're doing solos already? Greenbean: No, I'm teaching solo! Boomer: Well, unless Athena's here teaching or simulating, I won't be sticking around. Greenbean: She's not here doing either. At least not that I've seen. There's no Athena among you, is there, cad...uh, pilots? The women look around at each other, all shaking their heads with various negative sounds. Greenbean: See? Boomer: (Sighing heavily.) I'll have to continue my search elsewhere. I guess I'll be going... Greenbean: Could you take Giles with you and drop him off at Life Center? Boomer: Is Athena there? Greenbean: (Shrugging.) She might be. Boomer: Okay. Boomer quickly slings Giles' unconscious body over his shoulders and heads out the door, leaving Greenbean alone with the ladies. Greenbean: Well, I guess we can get on with the class. Now don't be afraid to ask questions, ladies. I'll help you all, and I'm definitely available afterwards if anybody needs any personal help or time in the simulators or a review of the basics, and I'm certainly willing to help with your G-suit fitting session- He's interrupted by a knock at the door. Dietra, Sorrell, and Brie walk in. Greenbean: Hi! Can't talk now, we're in the midst of simulator runs- Brie: We know. Colonel Tigh sent us to handle the simulators. Greenbean: But that's my job! Sorrell: You've been replaced. Out, blondie. Greenbean: But...but... Dietra: Don't worry, Greenbean. We'll take over from here. We saw Boomer and Giles -- these pilots are obviously too much for you guys to handle. Greenbean's lip begins to quiver as he looks out over the Miri Feathers. Then, kicking along like a little boy who just lost his best shooter in a game of marbles, head hung low, shoulders slumped, he heads for the door. Brie: Oh, come on, Dietra, maybe we can find a reason for him to stay. What do you think, gals? Can he stay? The Miri Feathers start to cheer. Greanbean turns around hopefully, and is immediately swarmed by the ladies. We hear a yelp. A moment later, Sancroixa jumps up, holding an item of men's apparel. Sancroixa: So this is how G-suits come off! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby say, "You were wearing your spiked heels again, weren't you?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 107 Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 107 Scene: Siress Belloby's temporary quarters aboard the Galactica. Belloby walks in and begins rearranging the massive pile of pillows on the sofa when Cordelia skips into the room from the outside corridor. Cordelia: Hi, Auntie Belloby! Belloby: Hello, Cordelia. Where've you been? Cordelia: (Quite cheerfully.) I went to the landing bays to see if my beloved sweet Apollo had come back yet. Belloby: Has he? Cordelia. No. But I'll check again later. Can I help you, Auntie Belloby? Belloby: Sure. Why don't you finish rearranging these pillows for me. Cordelia: (Brightly.) Okay. Cordelia skips across the room, but trips on a rug in front of the sofa and falls into the pillows, completely disappearing from sight. Belloby: Oh, and Cordelia- Now where did she go? Sweet kid, but not a brain in her head... Can't keep a thought for more than two microns. I can see why she and Apollo get along so well. The door page sounds. Belloby answers. Melbrook: Hi, I'm Sire Melbrook, and I'm campaigning to be re-elected to a seat on the Council of Twelve, where I have served with devotion and skill for the last six sectars. Belloby: You've met me, I'm Siress Belloby- Melbrook: Frakkin' glad to meet you - I hope you'll vote for me - excuse me... He vanishes from sight; his aide steps in. Aide: That was Sire Melbrook, he was frakkin' glad to meet you. Please remember to vote for him next secton in the election. The aide followed the sire, leaving Belloby standing alone at the door. Belloby: I hate politicians. Cordelia manages to stick her head out from the pillows, feathers stuck in her hair, and spitting out another feather. She gets a hand free and starts waving. Cordelia: Auntie Belloby, can you help me? I'm stuck in the pillows... Belloby grabs her arm and manages to pull Cordelia out of the pillows. She is covered with feathers and there is a veritable featherstorm by the time she's free. Belloby: (Glancing at her bare feet.) You were wearing your stiletto heels again, weren't you? Cordelia: Yes, but my dear beloeved sweet Apollo likes them so much! Belloby: Well, find them back - and try not to rip the other half of my pillows with them, would you, dear? Cordelia: (Valiantly.) I'll try, Auntie Belloby! She throws herself back into the pillow pile. Her feet, the only part of her that can still be seen, wave wildly as she swims her way through the feathers. Coughing, Belloby turns on the vidlink. Belloby: Might as well see what's on IFB... Tinia: ...And I'm Siress Tinia, and I hope you'll vote for me in the election, so I can continue to do what I do best - represent you, and maintain the intimate...uh, close working relationship I've established between the military and civilian parts of our people... Belloby: Blech. Political advertising. Who wants to hear that? What's on the other channel? Thank goodness IFB has two tracks of programming now... (Switches stations.) Geller: ...Hello, let me introduce myself. (Chuckles.) Although I'm sure, to most of you, I need no introduction, since I've served you nobly and with dedication since we left Carillon... Cordelia: (Appearing from amidst the feathers.) Auntie Belloby, I can't find my other shoe, I think it fell between the cushions. Belloby: Great. Now the cushions will be ripped too! Cordelia, hon, you've got to get rid of those stiletto heels! The door page rings again. Belloby opens the door to see: Domra: Good aftermidday, Siress. My name is Domra, and I'd like to talk to you about the future of our fleet- Belloby seals the door in his face. Belloby: Politicians! Councilors! They're everywhere! There's no way to get away from them! Cordelia: (Shaking herself to get feathers out of her hair and clothes. The videolator zooms in on the expected location. Quick - what color are her eyes?) You know the old saying, Auntie Belloby - if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Belloby: Join 'em-! Join 'em... Cordelia, dear, that is a fine idea! Cordelia: (Looking alarmed.) Am I supposed to have those? Belloby: This once, I'll overlook it. (Chuckling.) And then, I'm going to put in my name and run for a seat on the Council of Twelve! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Reese say, "I can play that card too." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 108 Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 Grumble, grumble... We had a computer crash over the weekend, had to restore the entire system and reload everything. Everything. I was not a happy camper... Not even a Jolly one. I had a very rough next segment of the challenge, but that's gone. I'll try to reconstruct and polish... -- Sharon ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 108 Scene: The launch bay of the Galactica, where Boomer is about to board a shuttle. Reese runs into the bay. Reese: Boomer, hey, Boomer! Boomer: What is it, Reese, and make it quick. I've got to the get to the Rising Star to find Athena. Reese: Even though one of you is likely to get bumped off if you do convince her to come back here and rejoin the military and the two of you get married and one of you has to become the Bonanza bride or Bonanza groom? Boomer: Why does that make me think of Commander Adama? Reese: Well, his wife died, too...ooh, twice, come to think of it... Boomer: Reese, you're crazy. And besides, even if there's such a thing as a Bonanza bride, there's no such thing as a Bonanza groom. When grooms are killed, it's offstage and usually before the series - like Vela's husband, and Serina's first husband, and Sarah's husband- Reese: Remember what Koppel said... Boomer: That's all just videolator talk. Reese: Yeah? What about Serina? Boomer: When she realized what she was in for if she stayed for a series, she wanted out. I don't want out. Reese: What if Athena does? Boomer: I'll talk her out of it. Or else I'll marry her and then she can leave in some tragic fashion. I'll get some nice angsty scenes like Apollo does and they'll fall all over themselves finding women to throw at me so I can reject them in my grief and determination to be true to Athena. After all, now that he's gone, somebody's gotta be the tragic romantic hero. No reason it can't be me. Reese: Well, it could be me, now that Sheba's dumped me! I mean, that's pretty tragic stuff! And I do a lot of pretty heroic stuff every day in this fleet. Boomer: Sorry, you're just a security officer. It takes a warrior, a brave heroic pilot, to really be a tragic romantic hero. Now if I only had a brother or sister or other family member to wander around looking worried about me...especially if that other family member turned out to be a ship commander or Council member or other big name in the fleet... Of course, once I'm married to Athena, that'll make Adama my father-in-law, that should count for something... Reese: Is this a good time to mention that Sire Melbrook is my father's cousin, twice removed? Boomer: I'm not surprised. But so what if he is? Of course, I could pull a Starbuck ploy and turn out to have been orphaned at a young and tender age, maybe have a relative show up - maybe Tigh's actually my illegitimate father...or Sire Solon could be my long-lost uncle...maybe I could discover that one of the children on the Orphan Ship is actually my niece or nephew, and I could bring them here to raise, like Apollo did - no, scratch that idea. One too-cute kid was more than enough... Reese: The Destruction orphaned me. So I can play that card too! Boomer: (Getting irritated.) You're still not a pilot. And we're the stars. Reese: Just a centon, buster. Where is it written that only warrior pilots get to be stars and tragic heroes? This entire fleet is full of people who lost everything in the Destruction. Some of us are pretty darn tragic too! And now that Apollo's gone, we deserve to be heroes just as much as you do! After all, that whole Cylon daggitfight stuff is going to get pretty old in a big hurry! And then what'll you do for drama? Boomer: That's why we pilot warriors also play triad, and go on missions to find seed and fuel and other supplies, and go out to rescue our buddies from primitive planets, and discover traitors in our midst at great risk to our own lives, and struggle among ourselves to love and fight, and save the fleet from other forms of destruction! Reese: I really hate you guys, you know that? A technician comes running up to Boomer and Reese. Technician: Did you hear the news? We just got word from Captain Apollo! He's coming back! He'll be landing back on the Galactica within the centar! Reese and Boomer look at each other. Boomer: Well, so much for becoming the new tragic romantic hero... Reese: Yeah. None of us stand a chance at much of anything as long as he's around. Him and Starbuck... Boomer: I may as well get on that shuttle and go find Athena. Say, you came looking for me, what did you want? Reese: Awh, nothing important. See ya later at the O Club. There'll probably be a party for Apollo's safe return. Boomer: Right. See you there, if I've found Athena by then. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Salik say, "I doubt it would have killed him." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 109 Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 109 Scene: Life Center -- which is, amazingly, still intact after the most recent round of physicals. Tinia paces, wringing her hands. Dr. Salik enters from a private room. Salik: Siress Tinia... Tinia: (Rushing to him.) How is he? How's Commander Adama? Will he be all right? Is he dead? Salik: (Reassuringly.) No, no, he'll be just fine. None of the darts were poison-tipped or barbed, and we were able to remove them all with no problems. He may not want to sit down for the next few days, and he'll have to sleep on his stomach, but he'll be fine. Tinia: Thank the Lords of Kobol! After that daggit dragged us in there, and Belloby let fly that round of darts, and he threw himself in front of me to save me, I feared the worst! Salik: Considering his behavior around Belloby, I'm not sure that was intentional. But I doubt it would have killed him, Siress. Even coming from Belloby's hand. He's tougher than that. He's survived worse wounds than a few darts in the butt. Tinia: I know that's how you all see him, as the tough, strong, hardened warrior who's saved us all - but I've seen his tender, caring side. I know better. Salik: That would be the side Belloby hit? Tinia: Yes. Med tech Nova rushes in. Nova: Dr. Salik! Have you heard the news? Captain Apollo is returning! He'll be aboard in less than a centar! Tinia: That's wonderful news! We must tell Adama. He'll be so relieved to know his son is safely returned! Adama appears in the doorway of his private room, wearing a hospital gown. Adama: (Agonized.) Did you say Apollo was returning? Nova: Yes, that's what they've reported from the bridge! Adama: No, it can't be! Belloby and Cordelia are still on the Galactica! He mustn't return, not yet! Salik: Commander, you're just distraught from your recent brush with death...uh, darts. You need to rest. On your stomach. Adama: (Hollowly.) Death by darts... I would gladly endure it all again, to save my son... And yet now he flies back into the heart of danger...when I have tried so hard to send him to safety... Tinia: You know, Adama, you could order Apollo to active duty anywhere in the fleet. Why are you so concerned about this girl being on the Galactica? Send Apollo to the Electronics Ship. Put him in charge of the prison barge. Let him command the Orphan band. Adama: I tried to send Athena to another ship for her own safety - and she quit the service. Tinia: But she did leave the Galactica. According to my agent, she's now on the Rising Star, safely away from any effect of the House of Somers! Adama: This isn't your agent Ginger again, is it? Tinia: No, she had her chance. Besides, now Uri knows her. So we're using agent Jennifer. Adama: Agent Jennifer! I've never heard of her. Can she keep her eye on things? Tinia: She doesn't have to. The men can't keep their eyes off her! Salik: True...I saw her play Triad once, against a male team. In high heels. Most of the time she just stood there and breathed, while her partner handled the ball. Most lopsided match and highest ratings IFB ever had. Tinia: I remember. Her team won. So you see, Adama? Go ahead and reassign Apollo! So what if he resigns? It's only temporary! And I know he'll come back. He always comes back! If necessary, we can even assign Jennifer to guard him from Cordelia! Adama: Hmm... Salik: See, Adama? The situation isn't so bad. But for now, I'm prescribing bedrest. You can deal with Apollo when he gets back... Adama: Ah, Tinia, what would I do without you... (Puts his arms around her.) Uh, to advise me, of course, and to maintain the appropriate and open channels between the military and civilians... Salik: (Shaking his head.) Adama, Adama, who do you think you're fooling with that felgercarb? And Siress, just because that gown opens in the back doesn't mean that's how you give a man a physical exam. I'm the doctor here, not you. Tinia: You know, I did once consider a career in medicine...maybe it's time I brushed up on my anatomy. Adama: I wouldn't mind brushing up on that myself. They vanish into the private room and close the door. Salik: (Sighing.) At least I know he'll stay in bed... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 110 Date: Wed, 13 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 110 Scene: The landing bay, where a multitude has gathered to witness the safe return of the brave and heroic Captain Apollo. With Adama still in Life Center, Colonel Tigh is there to welcome him back, along with some of the bridge crew. Tigh: ETA, Rigel? Rigel: According to the bridge, five microns and closing, sir. We should be seeing the ship in about five microns. Tigh: I wish we didn't use the same term for time and distance measurements. CORA appears out of the stars visible beyond the bay entrance. She comes in for a perfect landing, smooth and easy. Then Cordelia rushes into the bay to join the crowd. Cordelia: My beloved sweet Apollo, has he landed yet? The Viper suddenly careens sideways, takes out half the left side landing lights as it barely misses Tigh and crew, turns itself around in a spectacular 180 by 180 (backwards and upside down), and screeches to a halt that has everyone running for cover and holding their ears. Head Tech: C'mon, people! Get that Viper turned right side up! Get a med team standing by! Get that pilot out of there! Fire control, be ready! Damage control, check the energizer lines and replace those lights! And get the painters out there to fix those scratches in the floor before the next scene! In a flurry of activity, technicians rush out to surround the Viper and start repairing the damage. Moments later, with six or seven techs rushing from one side, the Viper is righted, but still facing the wrong direction. The canopy opens, and Apollo stands up, taking off his helmet. He stares out through the bay entrance. Apollo: What happened to the rest of the bay? Was there a battle? What other damage was there? Tigh: Apollo! We're over here! You did a one-eighty! Apollo turns. Apollo: Oh, there you are! Hi, Colonel. Where's my father? I need to talk to him... Tigh: He's in Life Center at the moment- Apollo: Life Center! What happened? Oh, no, I should never have left... I should never have come back... This is what happens when I disobey orders... Apollo rushes past the gathered personnel and vanishes into the nearest turbolift. Cordelia runs after him. Cordelia: My sweet Apollo, I'm here! Welcome back! I'll see you later! Tigh: (Shaking his head.) If I hadn't see it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it... Rigel: Believe what? Tigh: Adama may be right about Belloby and Cordelia - did you see that landing? Rigel: It was hard to miss. I'm surprised he missed all of us! Tigh: True. We've got to find those mushies and get those women off the Galactica! Rigel: That may be harder than you think... Tigh: Why? Rigel: Siress Belloby just filed for a seat on the Council. Tigh: She couldn't have a chance of winning...could she? Rigel: She's already promised to do away with campaign advertising on IFB and end door to door soliciting for votes. Tigh: (Slowly.) On a platform like that she could actually win. (Contemplates.) Tinia lording it over the bridge and telling me what to do and showing up in the O Club with Adama... Or Belloby sending Adama and half the crew into hiding in panic while she chases the young male pilots and throws darts at the rest... There's got to be another option, there's got to be! Rigel: There's always Sire Melbrook, Sire Geller, and Sire Domra. Tigh: (Deep sigh.) We're doomed... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Salik say, "Mid-therapy is not a good time to interrupt somebody." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 111 Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 111 Scene: Life Center. Salik and Nova are reviewing daily reports when Apollo rushes in. Apollo: Dr. Salik! Where's my father? Is he all right? Salik: Welcome back, Captain. Yes, your father is just fine. Apollo: Where is he? I need to see him! Right now! Salik: You can't! Apollo: Why not? I thought you said he was all right? Salik: He is...but he's...undergoing therapy at the moment, and can't be disturbed. Apollo: But I thought I heard one of your med techs say that Siress Tinia was with him! Salik: Uh...yes...that's true... Apollo: So why can't I? Salik: Well...mid-therapy is not a good time to interrupt somebody. You'll have to wait. (Aside.) Adama would have my hide otherwise... Apollo: (Plaintively.) I came running all the way here from the landing bay, after nearly being killed in a Viper wipe-out... Salik: (Perking up.) A Viper wipe-out? Really? Well, then you absolutely have to be examined! Thoroughly! From head to toe. Externally and internally. I'm sure by the time you've been thoroughly examined, your father will be finished with his...therapy, and you'll be able to see him. Med tech Nova, please take Captain Apollo to Dr. Paye, and tell him the captain needs a thorough examination due to a crash landing. And I mean thorough. Nova: Yes, doctor. Salik: And by the way, considering how long you've been gone, you should have gone through decontamination. I'll bet you didn't, did you? Apollo: (Meekly.) No, I was so worried about my father that I didn't even think of it... Salik: Well, think of it now! And stop endangering the fleet by running off like this after every mission without decontaminating! How many times do we have to tell you pilots that? Who knows what you might have brought back from wherever you've been? Nova, make sure he goes through decontamination too. (Sighing deeply.) If it's not already too late. Apollo: I won't do it again... Salik: That's what you always say. Where have you been, anyway? Apollo: Uh...I've been- Salik: Never mind. Questions and debriefing can wait for Colonel Tigh. Get to that decontamination and examination. Nova? Nova: Right this way, Captain... Salik sighs with relief as Nova leads Apollo off to another chamber. Nova returns a few moments later. Nova: Dr. Salik, has anyone seen Dr. Quincy recently? Salik: Last I saw, after we finished the children's physicals, he was looking for Captain Columbo to deliver the autopsy report on Ganymede the couturier. Nova: He never arrived! Captain Columbo just called, he's been waiting centars for that report, and he never got it. Salik: Is Quincy still on duty? Nova: Yes, doctor, I checked. He should still be on duty for the next three centars. Salik: (Frowning.) I'll write him up for that. In the meantime, why don't you check Quincy's duty log, and call up the report from there. I know it won't have his signature, but I'll review the report and confirm it. Nobody can read my handwriting either. Nova: I already checked for the autopsy report. It's not in the computer! Salik: What? You mean Quincy didn't put it in the computer? That's against procedure. Nova: But he must have - there's a hardcopy file there, but it's empty, and all Dr. Quincy's notes are gone. And his personal computer log was open - it's as if someone deleted the report and took the file information, but didn't have time to do anything else. Salik: (Troubled.) I don't like the sound of that. Tell Captain Columbo - and call security. Nova: Yes, doctor. (Pausing and sniffing the air.) I think I smell fumarello smoke. Salik: Hmm, Adama must be finished with his...therapy. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Find that daggit!" Subject: Jolly Shrunk...uh, Forgot the Kids -- Episode 112 Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 "This is Newscaster Nessman, taking over for Newscaster Koppel, who seems to have been reassigned yet again to cover breaking events on the Prison Barge. What they're breaking, and why, we haven't figured out yet. But as soon as we have more information, you can be sure we'll pass it along here on IFB. In the meantime, we're passing along the sixteenth-secton episode of our ground-breaking series. Well, not exactly ground-breaking, as there isn't any ground in space. Not exactly asteroid-breaking either. Or comet-breaking...or ion-breaking, for that matter. Or vacuum-breaking... I guess you'll just have to take my word for it, then, won't you? Or else, judge for yourself, because here it is, our latest episode of Jolly Shrunk the kids...uh, no, Jolly Flunked the Kids...uh, Dunked the Kids?...Debunked the Kids?...Plunked the Kids?...Skunked the Kids?...or was it..." "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 112 Scene: Life Center. Adama hobbles out of his room, leaning on Tinia's arm, joining Salik and Nova. Adama: Dr. Salik, I want Major Boyington and Dr. Wilker here, and I want them here now! Salik: Why? Adama: I have my reasons! Get them here! Salik: Nova, take care of it. Nova: Right, doctor. (She leaves.) Salik: Adama, now that we're alone, I can maybe understand you wanting to talk to Wilker, but why do you want Boyington here? I've never known you to call for Boyington. I didn't think you even knew his name. Adama: Salik, when Tinia and I were in the corridor outside the Officers' Club, and were trampled in the mad rush to escape Belloby's dart-throwing, something dragged us inside. That something...was a daggit. That daggit...was Boyington's. And I believe it was created for him by Wilker. Salik: Ooooohhh! Apollo enters from his room. Apollo: Father! Adama: Apollo! They hobble together for a quick hug, then just as quickly break away as Salik clears his throat. Apollo: I'm sorry, Father... Adama: I'm sure Dr. Salik won't tell anybody about that PDA, son. Apollo: No, I'm sorry for disobeying orders. I came back without finding Starbuck. I deserve the fullest extent of a military tribunal. (Starts taking off shirt.) I deserve to be punished. I deserve to be flogged. Adama: Apollo, we don't do that anymore. Keep your shirt on. Apollo: (Disappointed.) Oh. Audience: (Disappointed.) Oh. Nova and Boyington enter. Apollo sits down, looking depressed. Nova: I found Major Boyington, sir, but Wilker seems to have vanished. Adama: I expect Boyington can tell me what I need to know. Major, where did you get that daggit, and where is it now? Boyington: What daggit? Adama: The one that dragged me and Siress Tinia into the O Club and into the path of Belloby's darts! Boyington: I didn't see any daggit. Adama: I did. And so did Siress Tinia. Both of us saw it; it must have been there. Boyington: I think you must be mistaken, sir, there was no daggit in the O Club. Adama: You're concealing the daggit, aren't you? Boyington: No, sir, I'm not concealing a daggit. I would never do that. It's against standing orders. Adama: You have a history of defying authority and violating orders. Why would I believe you now? Apollo: (Jumping to his feet.) Father, when did you give any orders about standing? I'm sorry, did I violate orders again? Adama: Sit down, Apollo... No, wait. I have new orders for you, Apollo. Major Boyington says there is no daggit - but I know better. Somewhere on this ship, is a daggit. Somebody's hiding it. I want you to find that daggit! Apollo: But I violated orders, how can you give me a new assignment when I haven't been disciplined yet? Adama: Consider it a chance to redeem yourself. We'll discuss whatever you did, later. But finding that daggit should be discipline enough for anybody. Apollo: Thank you, Father. I won't let you down again. (Leaves.) Boyington: He won't find a daggit, sir. Adama: You don't know my son. Boyington: You don't know my daggit. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I need all the help I can get." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode...113 Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 113 Scene: The launch bay, where a number of technicians are working over various Vipers, including SAM and the mysteriously modified CORA. Among the Viper techs, making their special guest appearances, are Maggie and Vaughn. (Don't say you didn't ask for it... ;-) ) SAM: I see you've had a little work done since last I saw you. CORA: Yes, a little augmentation. Do you like it? SAM: Hard to miss, frankly. Your rear's almost twice as large as mine. CORA: I wish somebody would notice my mind and not my behind. But yes, I've got room to spare. Jealous? SAM: Why would I be jealous of an extra seat? You're never gonna fit in the launch tube now! CORA: Of course I'll fit. You don't think Wilker would have made these kind of modifications just for me without considering that, do you? He knows how to launch me! And now I'm the ideal quick passenger and rescue vessel. SAM: Hmph! If you had some of my upgrades, you'd be almost perfect, wouldn't you? CORA: If I had some of your upgrades, I'd be second grade! And when are you gonna get that muck out of your exhaust? That Dago-bah scent is Bah-humbug! SAM: Fossil. CORA: Swamp rat. SAM: Bimbo. CORA: Astrum. Tech Maggie: (Peering around the Vipers.) Is somebody here? Hmm, I could have sworn I heard voices... Tech Vaughn: (Peering around the other side of the Vipers.) Yeah, me, too... Clattering and pounding sounds echo through the bay. Both techs jump. Vaughn: What was that? Maggie: It came from over there! The Viper techs follow the sounds to a wall panel. Maggie: Sounds like somebody got trapped in the wall again. Vaughn: Yeah. I wish these guys would just use the corridors like everybody else. Pulling out their handy magnetic spanners...uh, couplers...uh, screwdrivers...well, tools of some sort, they unfasten the wall panel and pull it off. Starbuck: Help! (Falling out.) I'm saved, I'm saved! I'm out of the conduits! They can't get me any more! They've been chasing me for centars... Oh, thank the Lords of Kobol... I don't know what happened to Croft and Omega...lost them somewhere around that last turn... Ladies, you saved my life! You don't know how grateful I am... Maggie: Starbuck! You're alive! We heard you were mummified and we assumed the worst! Vaughn: We're so glad it's not true! Here, let me help you to a seat. Starbuck: Gee, thanks for the welcome, I was beginning to think I'd been forgotten. Maggie: You, forgotten? Vaughn: Never! Starbuck: You're both so sweet. Maggie: Let me get you a drink...water, caff, ambrosa? Vaughn: Let me dust you off...you've got something in your hair. Starbuck: Just your fingers, ladies...but I appreciate the help. Maggie: Let me get you a clean uniform. Vaughn: Let me help you change into that uniform. Maggie: Let us both help you out of this one. Starbuck: (Lovin' it.) I need all the help I can get. The two techs quickly guide the pilot away toward the Vipers. Behind them, unnoticed, an eerie growl echoes through the conduit, and for just a micron, a pair of glowing green eyes can be seen in the darkness. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I tell you, it was the Galactica ghost!" ------ Subject: Re: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode...113 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 From: BDconwayBCo@netscape.net (B. Conway) Sharon wrote: > Starbuck: You're both so sweet. > Maggie: Let me get you a drink...water, caff, ambrosa? > Vaughn: Let me dust you off...you've got something in your hair. > Starbuck: Just your fingers, ladies...but I appreciate the help. > Maggie: Let me get you a clean uniform. > Vaughn: Let me help you change into that uniform. > Maggie: Let us both help you out of this one. > Starbuck: (Lovin' it.) I need all the help I can get. Goodness me! Sharon, how did you get those two techs to cooperate long enough to write this scene? I was expecting a knock-down, drag 'em out fight to rival the one between Cassie and Sheba in yet another fine serial on this not-to-be-rivaled fanfic list! What restraint Techs Maggie and Vaughn must possess to be able to control themselves long enough to actually share Lieutenant Starbuck between them. So do we find him in disheveled little bits in a future episode and the two techs smiling in most self-satisfied fashions like the felines who caught the souris? Barb ------- Subject: Re: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode...113 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 From: "The Hutchisons" Believe it or not, but Viper Tech Vaughn and I are SOOOOOOOO devoted to a certain brash, impulsive, blue-eyed, gorgeous --oh, yeah, the point -- pilot that we willingly will SHARE him. And no commitments expected, just LOTS of fun! Viper tech Maggie ------- Subject: Re: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode...113 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 "All I ever needed to learn, I learned in kindergarten." Like, sharing? Like, he's got two arms, why shouldn't there be a woman under each one? Like, they can take shifts and one will always be abe to keep an eye on him? Thanks, Barb and Maggie -- now, who else is volunteering for a guest appearance? ;-) -- Sharon ------ Subject: Re: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode...113 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 From: Vaughnnie > Believe it or not, but Viper Tech Vaughn and I are SOOOOOOOO devoted to a certain brash, impulsive, blue-eyed, gorgeous --oh, yeah, the point -- pilot that we willingly will SHARE him. And no commitments expected, just LOTS of fun! < > Viper tech Maggie Boy do I have her conned! Hee hee hee...yeah, I'll share him, well, at least until I can get him alone! But until then I will share...honest...Hey Maggie, wait a minute...Maggie you're supposed to share! Hey, I get to run my fingers through his hair at least once or twice! Hey...I get to take his jacket off this time. MAGGIE!!!...It's my turn to gaze into his eyes... Share him OR ELSE!!! Oh poor Starbuck...there's just not enough of him to go around, and after Maggie and I get done, there will be even less! Viper Tech Vaughn ---------------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 114 Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 114 Scene: The briefing room of the Galactica, where Adama, Tigh, and Apollo are plotting the search for the Black Ovines' missing daggit. Adama: And then, son, you'll search the conduits throughout that level. There's no telling where Major Boyington may have hidden that daggit. Apollo: I'll search every conduit on this ship until I redeem myself in your eyes, Father. And I'll keep going until I've proven myself worthy to be called your son again, and to be a Colonial Warrior, 'til I've regained your faith me, and- Adama: Thank you, Apollo, I know you will. Now please, shut up and start searching. That daggit must be found, the sooner the better. Reese and Starbuck appear at the door. Reese: Commander! Colonel! Captain! We found Lieutenant Starbuck! Tigh: I didn't know we were looking for him. Adama: Starbuck! Where were you? You look as disheveled as if you'd spent centars crawling through the conduits of this ship and then spent more centars being taken care of by some of our Viper techs! Starbuck: Actually- Adama: (Holding up his hand.) I don't want to know. Apollo: I do! Which techs? Oh, wait, Cordelia wouldn't like that... Adama: (Sternly.) Apollo, remember your mission... Now, Starbuck, what happened? Starbuck: I was...somewhere else on the ship, where I may need to be able to go again some day, with...some other guys I may run into some day, when suddenly we were invaded by wild dire daggits and pursued into the conduits! We ran as fast as we could, we crawled as fast as we could, we slithered on our bellies as fast as we could - but they kept gaining on us! They had evil eyes and huge fangs and sharp claws and moved like shadows of the night! They were dire daggits! And they were after us! Apollo: In the conduits? Father, are those the same conduits you just told me to search for that missing daggit? Adama: Not those conduits, Apollo, the other conduits. Apollo: I'm glad we cleared that up. Tigh: But...there are no dire daggits. They became extinct millennia ago! Starbuck: Except for the pack on this battlestar! Adama: There are no dire daggits living on this battlestar! Starbuck: No, not living! But they're definitely here! I tell you, it was the Galactica ghost! Adama: There's no such thing as a Galactica ghost! Starbuck: Oh, yeah? Then what was that thing that chased me through the conduits for centars? That barked and growled and bayed and howled and yipped and yowled? That only paused long enough to tear apart Omega and Croft and that's why it didn't get me? Adama: Omega and Croft! Are you sure? Starbuck: I was there, I should know! Well, maybe not at that exact micron, but I'm sure that's what happened. Hmm, I guess I won't run into Omega and Croft again after all, will I? Adama and Apollo exchange troubled glances. Adama: Now I've gotta find somebody else to take over the Jolly and Cassie Ship... Tigh: Just as importantly, who are we going to stick with...uh, assign to making sure Siress Belloby's needs are met? Reese: I'm outta here... (Flees.) Starbuck: Me, too. But keep in mind, she's kissed me before, I've done my duty... (Also flees.) Apollo: Hmm, that would put me near Cordelia...but she probably wouldn't like it if I was meeting her aunt's needs... Could I be assigned to meet Cordelia's needs? Adama: No. Colonel, assign-- Tigh: Commander! I just got a message from Rigel! They've found the Black Ovines! Adama: Good! Where are they and how soon can they be here for questioning? Once I've got them under my steely gaze, they won't hold out for long. They're bound to tell me what I want to know... Tigh: No, they won't! Adama: What? Tigh: It seems they've all relocated to the Miri Feathers ship - and Commander Gabrielle has given them all sanctuary! Adama: She can't do that! The fleet's under martial law! I'm in charge, and I want them here! Tigh: Uh, technically, she can do that, sir. Since they deliberately left the Colonies to establish their own world, the Miri Feathers aren't really Colonials. Our martial law doesn't apply to them. The Black Ovines are out of reach - and their little daggit too, if I'm any judge of Boyington... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "She's got a point." -------- Subject: Re: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 114 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 >>Apollo: In the conduits? Father, are those the same conduits you just told me to search for that missing daggit?<< >>Adama: Not those conduits, Apollo, the other conduits. >I'm still laughing! why is Apollo soooo funny when he's so. . . uh . . dense? Oh, he's just...earnest...naive in certain ways...with a one-track mind at times...going in a circle... I blame it on the Cordelia Proximity Factor. -- Sharon Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 115 Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 115 Scene: The briefing room of the Galactica, where Adama, Apollo, and Tigh still contemplate the search for the missing daggit. Adama: I don't care if Boyington and his squadron have gone to the Miri Feathers ship. We've got to find out what happened to that daggit. Apollo: What about the one that Starbuck saw? Adama: Uh, that was something else... Apollo: What was it? Adama: Never mind. Just find Boyington's daggit - if it's still on this ship - and find Wilker, so he never builds another one! I'm going to give him a piece of my mind... Apollo: Do you have some to spare? Adama glowers, but before he can respond, Gabrielle appears at the door, along with several of the Miri Feathers, all heavily armed with spears, blades, slings and arrows. Gabrielle: Never mind, Adama, Dr. Wilker's on our ship too. Adama: What?! Gabrielle: (Shrugging.) He said he needed a new lab, since he'd had bad luck with the last couple. Explosions, fire damage, smoke, floods- Adama: Floods? Gabrielle: Floods in space, weirdest thing - warriors who can't find their way around the inside of a toaster, much less a Cylon, that sort of thing. And since we have the parts and the technology, he said he'd be glad to help us set up our own squadron of Vipers. Tigh: That traitor! Adama: And Boyington is with you too? Gabrielle: (Grinning.) Yup. Adama: And his little daggit too? Gabrielle: Nope. No little daggit too. The men exchange glances. Tigh: Does that mean it's still aboard the Galactica? Adama: It must be... Gabrielle: Um-hm. That's why we're here. To help find it. Adama and Tigh exchange glances. Adama: What are going to do if you find it? Gabrielle: Take it off the ship. I mean, that's what you really want, isn't it? The daggit gone from the Galactica? So does it matter if it's on our ship, or disassembled into spare parts and the fur hanging on your wall like a trophy and the rest melted down for funky new Colonial awards and medals? Tigh: She's got a point, Adama! Apollo: (Eyeing the spears, blades, and arrows.) True. Several of them, in fact. Gabrielle: Besides, we can use the practice. We haven't been able to track anything since we left our planet! Adama: After what you've done in shielding the Black Ovines and Dr. Wilker from my wrath and the consequences of their daggit action, why should I let you help track it down? Gabrielle: (Grinning.) Have you got any better trackers on board? Tigh: She's got another point, Adama. Gabrielle: Will you quit looking at my chest? Adama: (Sighing.) For the good of the fleet, I'm going to take you up on your offer. Captain, you'll work with Commander Gabrielle on this assignment. Apollo: Awh, dad... Adama: (Sternly.) Apollo... Apollo: But I'm in charge, right? Gabrielle: Hey, it's your ship. Whatever. But you really think the Miri Feathers are going to listen to you if I tell them otherwise? Apollo: Well... Gabrielle: C'mon, Apollo, let's stop worrying about who's in charge and go find that daggit. Apollo sneezes, but nods and follows. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "This is where the daggit was last seen." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 116 Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 116 Scene: The O Club, scattered with the usual assortment of karaoke singers, peanut tossers, baharri guzzlers, ambrosa downers, vinya sippers, tailhook skimmers, card players, dart throwers, and general scum and villiany and the barflies that tend to congregate in places of scum and villainy. Enter Apollo, Gabrielle, and several Miri Feathers. The women are instantly the focus of slack-jawed attention from the guys and narrowed glares from the gals. Apollo: You're sure *achoo* this is where we should start? Gabrielle: Well, this is where your father said the daggit was last seen, for certain. Apollo: True. Gabrielle: So this is where we start tracking. Apollo: Makes sense. *Achoo!* Gabrielle: You really oughta see somebody about that sneeze. Apollo: (Manfully.) After I find the daggit as my father ordered, and redeem myself in his eyes. Tarlik, one of the pilots: (Sidling closer.) Say, uh, Apollo, old buddy, mind introducing me to your friends? Apollo: Get lost, Tarlik. Tarlik: Awh, come on, be a sport... Apollo: The last time *achoo!* I played sports with you, I would up with a black eye, two broken ribs, significant contusions and bruising, a sore little tootsie -- and we had to wear those stupid plaid Triad trunks! You think I'm gonna introduce you to Gabrielle and Sancroixa and Mississippia? No way! Tarlik: (Throwing his arm around Apollo's shoulder.) Hi, Gabrielle and Sancroix and Mississippia, glad to meet you. I'm Lt. Tarlik. Apollo and I go way back. We're buddies and everything and do all kinds of things together, like introduce each other to wonderful women, and you're certainly in that category - double-h for hubba-hubba. And by the way, I've got a couple tickets to a concert on the Rising Star, are any of you doing anything tonight? Mississippia: We're tracking daggits. (Looks him up and down.) Close...very close...but no fumarello. Apollo: *Achoo!* You heard the lady, Tarlik. Get lost. Sancroixa: (Studying her sling.) Yes, get lost - then we can track him down like a daggit and have a little target practice. Tarlik slinks away, looking mortally offended...well, gravely offended...make that seriously offended. Some guys just can't be killed no matter how much you'd like to. Gabrielle: You don't have any allergies, do you? Apollo: Not that I *achoo* know of... Gabrielle: I mean, the way you're sneezing. You know, if you're allergic to leather or feathers, I can always take 'em off... Men in bar: Yeah, yeah! Slurp, slobber, drool... Gabrielle: ...and change into something else, like my Sagittaran desert robes, which cover me from head to foot in layers and layers of fabric... Men in bar: Awh... Gabrielle: ...until all that's left showing are my eyes and my hands, almost like a modified ancient kobolian mummy, which is supposedly what the Sagittarans modeled the outfit after. They tried to hold on to the old customs longer than any of the other Colonists, and they considered their world to be the closest in climate to that of old Kobol, you see, and if it was good enough for the ancient Kobolians... Pilot #1: Forget it. Pilot #2: Who cares about history? Pilot #3: *Snore...* Suddenly, there is a loud crash; a ceiling panel shatters; a large form drops from the ceiling directly onto a table, tipping it over and sending drinks, cards, and pretzels flying. Pilot #1: Flying furniture, flying drinks, flying cards, flying pretzels, flying body! Pilot #2: This can only mean one thing! Pilot #3: It's a brawl, it's a brawl! The bar immediately breaks into a full-fledged, old-fashioned, fists a'flyin', western saloon style...brawl. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Who is that flying body, anyway?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 117 Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 117 Scene: The O Club, which has just had an unexpected arrival from above, and broken into a brawl of truly Gunsmoky, Bonanzan, and Shanghai Noonish stature. Apollo: Wait! Stop your brawling! *Achoo!* Who is that flying body, anyway? Croft: (Staggering out from behind the fallen table, wild-eyed.) It was the daggit, it was the daggit! Apollo: What? The daggit, you say? Croft: Daggit. Daggit... Apollo: The daggit's in the conduits? Croft: (Nodding vigorously.) Daggit. Conduits. Gabrielle: So what are we waiting for? Let's go! Miri Feathers, come on! The three women quickly replace the table, set some chairs on top, secure all weapons, and hop into the conduits, vanishing from sight. Men in bar: Awh... Apollo: (Looking up dubiously.) Say, *achoo* didn't Starbuck say the ghost daggits were in the conduits? Croft: (Nodding again.) Ghosts. Daggits. Conduits. Apollo: He said the daggits tore you to pieces. How come you're here if you've been torn to pieces? Croft: Pieces. Omega. Daggits. Apollo: The daggits got Omega? Croft: Daggits. Omega. Apollo: They didn't get you? *Achoo* But Starbuck said- Pilot #1: (Swatting Apollo.) Will you quit asking stupid questions? Pilot #2: (Swatting Croft.) And will you start answering with real sentences that make sense? Croft: (Annoyed.) Now cut that out! All right, if you want the short, quick version... Starbuck, Omega, and I were hiding out in the hidden, secret depths of the Galactica. So was Boomer, for a while, but he went hunting for Athena. Something started howling at us. We decided discretion was the better part of staying alive, so we stopped dancing and left our hide-out. We spent a couple centars making our way through the conduits and corridors, being constantly pursued by the mysterious baying and sound of multitudes of padded footsteps. Apollo: Starbuck told us about that, yes. Croft: Then we started seeing eyes. We started going faster. The eyes got closer. We'd about had it with the eyes. Pilot #1: Isn't it usually the eyes that have it? Pilot #2: (Swatting Pilot #1.) That's the ayes, you idiot. Pilot #1: Hey, cut that out! Apollo: Now you know how I feel. *Achoo.* Keep going, Croft. Croft: We did. We finally split up, hoping at least one of us would make it back to civilization. Well, splitting up wasn't the initial plan. Starbuck said he was going to go for help, and left us. The last I saw of Starbuck was his backside heading head-first down a slide in the corridor. Apollo: *Achoo.* That's not quite the way Starbuck told it. What about Omega? Croft: He started throwing pieces of leftover popcorn behind us, hoping they would delay the ghost daggits. Pilot #1: Do daggits eat popcorn? Pilot #2: Do ghosts eat popcorn? Pilot #3: Where'd they get popcorn? Others in room: Shut up! Croft: Anyway, we finally split up, deciding that it wasn't such a bad idea after all. I haven't seen him since. Apollo: But you saw the ghost daggits in the conduits. Croft: Yup. Apollo: The ones the Miri Feathers just headed into. Croft: Yup. Everyone in the room looks up at the hole in the ceiling as mysterious, unintelligible screams suddenly echo forth from somewhere in the conduits. Apollo: I suppose I should investigate... Apollo and Croft: (Exchanging glances.) Nah... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Rigel say, "Will you quit bleeding on me?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 118 Date: Thu, 21 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 118 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where Adama and Tigh are back on duty. Tigh: Do you think they'll succeed, sir? In finding Boyington's daggit? Adama: I have faith in my son, Tigh. Rigel: Tigh's your son? Adama: No, I mean, Colonel Tigh, I have faith in my son Apollo. Rigel: Oh. A ceiling panel suddenly comes crashing down, followed by a body, which lands on Tiki. Omega sits up, looking dazed. Tigh: What the- Omega: I'm...on the bridge... That's my chair. That's my console. That's my commander. That's my colonel. That's my...hey, who are you? Tiki: I'm Tiki! I'm your replacement. Get off me! Omega: Hey, nobody replaces me! Tiki: Oh, yeah? Omega: Yeah! Tiki: Well, I did, so there. Now get off me! Omega: Not until you say you didn't replace me! Tiki: But the Colonel said- Omega starts bouncing on the ceiling panel, which is what Tiki is under. Tiki: All right! *Gasp.* Nobody can replace you! Omega: That's right. (Gets off the panel and walks over to Adama and Tigh, dabbing at the blood on his chin.) Sirs, I'm reporting for duty again. Tigh: And where have you been? You were supposed to be providing...escort duty for Siress Belloby! Omega: Uh...she went out for fumarettes, and when she didn't come back. I went looking for her. (Blood continues to flow and starts dripping.) Tigh: You've been missing for days. Omega: She can be a very difficult woman to find. (His chin is quite smeared by now.) Tigh: Save it, Omega. Starbuck told us where you were. Do you know what's been happening? Omega: Absolutely. I've read all the reports. (Blood starts dripping.) Tigh: You're a flight officer. How did you get all the reports? Omega: Uh...that's classified, sir. (Rigel starts noticing blood dripping into her elaborately coiffed braids.) Adama: Never mind that for now, Tigh. Starbuck reported you were dead, that you'd been torn to pieces by ghost daggits. Omega: And I almost was, too. But I managed to lose them in the s-curves. Turns out spectral daggits aren't very flexible. Rigel: (Shouting.) Will you quit bleeding on me? I paid sixty cubits for this hair-do! Adama: Are the spectral dire daggits responsible for that wound, Omega? And stop bleeding on Rigel. Omega: No, sir. I mean, yes, sir. Adama: No, the daggits aren't responsible, or no, you're not going to stop bleeding? Tigh: Yes, the daggits are responsible, or yes, you're going to stop bleeding? Omega: Uh...I'm confused, sir. It must've been the fall... Adama: True, true, we've been awfully hard on you, considering you've just been hiding out in the depths of the ship for days, been pursued by ghostly dire daggits through a maze of conduits and corridors, and dropped through a ceiling panel onto one of your fellow officers, and been yelled at for bleeding on Rigel's hair. I think you'd better report to Life Center immediately. Omega: Yes, sir. Tigh: In the meantime, Tiki, would you please replace flight officer Omega? And Rigel, why don't you go wash that gunk out of your hair before it clots? Rigel: Yes, sir. Tiki: (Who has finally crawled out from under the ceiling panel.) But I got squished when he dropped on me! And I think there's a drop of blood on me somewhere too. Don't I get to go to Life Center and clean up? Tigh: But then who'd be on duty? Somebody's gotta be on duty. As Omega and Rigel leave the bridge, three Miri Feathers warriors enter, leather, feathers, spears and all, intently staring at the decking. Adama: What are you doing here? Avona, one of the Miri Feathers: We're on the path of the elusive Boyington daggit, the most mysterious and endangered of the entire daggit species. Now if you'll excuse us, Adama... The three women circle the bridge, studying everything, then leave through the side entrance. Tigh: Commander, when was Boyington's daggit ever on the bridge? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Journalator Nessman say, "What are you doing here?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 119 Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 "This is journalator Nessman, here with the latest update on the news in the fleet. First of all, we have reached the seventeenth secton of the fleet's longest running space soap serial, and we now have two tracks of programming. We're also running episodes of the Starbuck/Sheba Challenge and the saga of the mysterious lost Moonbase Alpha and how our brave commander and crew are dealing with it - and they with us. We know you're enjoying that. In addition... Enter three Miri Feathers from stage right, spears at the ready, stealthily creeping behind the journalator. Nessman: Hey! What are you doing here? This is supposed to be a closed set! Nilea, one of the Miri Feathers: Ssss! Be vewy, vewy quiet. We awe hunting daggits! Nessman: (Wide-eyed) Ooooh! The women exit stage left. Nessman: (Turning back to the camera, blinking.) Uh, th-th-that's all, folks...except for- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 119 Scene: Life Center. Salik is at a computer console, studying the complete reports of the last few days; Nova hovers nearby to offer assistance. Salik: There's got to be something here, there's got to be. Whoever's responsible for Dr. Quincy's disappearance can't have completely erased all his data... Nova: What if it is all gone? Salik: We'll have to do another autopsy. Nova: Ewh, I hate doing autopsies! Salik: We may not have any choice. Omega enters, dripping all the way. Omega: Doctor! I've been injured! I need help! Salik: (Looking relieved.) I'll be right there. Nova, you'll have to- Nova: Already on Omega, doctor, don't let us interrupt you... Omega: Get off me! I need a doctor! Salik: Nova, go tell Dr. Paye to prepare to perform an autopsy. You'll assist, of course. I'll take care of Omega. Now get off him. Nova: Oh, pooh. I never get to have any fun. Salik: Now, now, Nova, you know that poohs, like daggits, aren't allowed on the Galactica by order of Commander Adama. All right, Omega, what seems to be the problem? And could you please stop dripping on the floor? Omega: Uh, that is the problem. Salik: Oh. Well, let's take care of it. There is a sound in the ceiling above them; suddenly, a panel collapses and somebody, twined and wrapped like a mummified kobolian, drops into Life Center in front of them. Salik: Lords of Kobol, it's a mummified kobolian! Omega: It's moving! Starbuck, is that you again? Form: (Mumbling.) Wtheevispins...* ("I'm a doctor and you're gonna be dead," in mummified kobolian.) Salik and Omega untwine the person - it's Dr. Quincy. Salik: Quincy, what where you doing in the conduits in the ceiling? Quincy: I didn't! Somebody grabbed me. I never saw who! The next thing I knew, I was twined like a mummified kobolian and being carried somewhere! When I get my hands on whoever did this to me... Omega: We've got to tell Commander Adama. And Captain Columbo. Salik: Your report is missing, Quincy! On your autopsy of Ganymede. They erased it off your computer, and your notes are gone. Fortunately, you can now tell the Commander and the Captain personally... Quincy: (Looking blank.) But...I don't remember... Salik: You don't remember how Ganymede the couturier was killed? Quincy: I...I must have bumped my head somewhere in the conduits... Salik: There, there, it'll be fine. You can just redo the autopsy. I'm sure it'll all come back to you. Nova: (Rushing in and shrieking.) Doctor! The body is missing! Ganymede is gone! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Good thing we found a bed to break our fall." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 120 Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 120 Scene: A corridor of the Galactica, where Cordelia is wandering, blissfully unaware of all that's going on around her. She carries a flower with hundreds of petals, and is slowly picking them... Cordelia: He loves me truly... (Drops a petal with a smile and satisfied sigh.) He loves me not... (Drops a petal with a deep, sad sigh.) He loves me deeply... (Drops a petal with a smile and satisfied sigh.) He loves me not. (Drops a petal with a deep, sad sigh.) He loves me madly... (Drops a petal with a smile and satisfied sigh, then suddenly falls against the corridor wall, looking dizzy.) Passing crewman: (Concerned.) Siress, are you all right? Should I call a med tech for you? Cordelia: Oh, dear...it's happening again... No, I don't need a med tech. I'm fine, really, don't worry. Auntie Belloby warned me that too much sighing would make me lightheaded. But how can I not sigh when I contemplate my dear sweet beloved Apollo? Passing crewman: Was that lightheaded, or empty-headed? Cordelia: Umm, I forget. Aren't they the same? Passing crewman: Uh...yeah... If you're sure you'll all right... (Quickly leaves.) Cordelia: That's the third time this has happened. (Looking at her flower.) And I'm not even half done with the petals! How will I ever know if Apollo truly loves me? Apollo: (Appearing around the corner.) Cordelia! Cordelia: My dear sweet beloved Apollo! (Runs toward him.) The two of reach each other, fall into each other's arms - and fall. The floor panel beneath them collapses, and they drop out of sight... Scene: Pilot's individual quarters, only available to senior officers and crewmen for whom private quarters are necessary for advancement of the plot. The ceiling panel collapses onto the bed, followed by two people, Apollo and Cordelia. Apollo: Whoah! Good thing we found a bed to break our fall! Cordelia: (Bashfully.) Now, Apollo, you know my auntie Belloby wouldn't approve of us being in bed together before our sealing. Apollo: I know, and I respect that. *Achoo!* Here, let me help you out of bed. Sheba comes out of the turboflush, wrapped in a towel, still dripping from the turboshower. She sees them and shrieks. Sheba: What are you doing in my bed with another woman? Apollo: Hi, Sheba. Uh, sorry, we just dropped in... Sheba: And decided to use my bed?!? Apollo, how callous! How cruel! You had to know I was in the turboshower. You had to see my clothes laying around. You did this on purpose! You're just trying to rub my nose in your new relationship and my current lack of one! Cordelia: No, no, really, we just dropped in! Just microns ago! Sheba: And you didn't even call ahead to ask if I wanted company! Cordelia: (Tearing up.) Oh, no. Apollo: Now look what you did, Sheba, *achoo!* you made Cordelia cry! Meanie! Cordelia: No, it wasn't that, I crushed my flower. See? Now I'll never know if Apollo loves me! (All the poor petals are scattered on Sheba's bed and floor.) Sheba: And you made a mess, too! Get out! No more dropping in, ever! You're not welcome here any more, Apollo, and she never was! And will you quite sneezing? Apollo: But, Sheba, look at the ceiling - *achoo* - we didn't mean to- The Somers Proximity Factor strikes again. As Apollo tries to apologize, he trips over the flower stem, grabs at anything he can to catch himself - and snags Sheba's towel. She yelps in absolute outrage, racing back for the turboshower in the altogether, as Apollo fumbles his way out of the towel, which naturally fell on his face and wrapped itself around his head. Cordelia: Sheba, we're so sorry, let me get you some clothes... Cordelia grabs the outfit Sheba had laying out on the bed (now somewhat rumpled), and follows Sheba. She stumbles over Apollo's fallen body, and winds up sprawled on the floor, crumpling Sheba's outfit, catching the hem on one of Apollo's boots and ripping it, and ending up with much of the rest of the dress in the puddle of water that dripped while Sheba was standing there. Cordelia: (Holding up the soaked, damaged dress, which was once a Ganymede original.) Oh, dear, I think it got wet... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "Aren't you supposed to be somewhere, Apollo?" ~ ~ ~ Adama steps forward: Now, as you all know by now, the writer will be gone for the next week, but fear not, you will not be left bereft... -- Sharon Subject: Jolly Killed The Kids - Ep. 121 Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2001 Ops!! That's suppose to be 'forgot' right?? Well, since I am Sharon's Administrative Assistant in the real world, I am now serving in that capacity while she is out of town soaking up the sun at the lake. Now *I'M* in charge of the disk!!! Oh what *I* can do now!!! And after 2 days at Randy's mother's farm with no water and no sewer!!!! Which means the bathroom is in the bushes!!! Of course SoS spent two days trying to help *fix* it!! But I have the disk!! Oh what havoc I can wreak!!!!!!! Now we shall continue with the next spellbinding chapter of Jolly, I forgot the Kids. No, wait, Jolly I shrunk the kids...no, I blew up the baby?? No that was Disney. Well, you know what it is, says Starbuck's social secretary. (Eat your hearts out Vaughnie and Maggie!!!!!) Lady Rae, running with the disk and scissors... ******************************* "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 121 Scene: Sheba's quarters, where Sheba has just bolted for the turbowash after losing her towel. Apollo has that wet sopping towel wrapped around his head, and Cordelia is sprawled across Apollo and the floor, clutching a torn, wet, crumpled Ganymede original gown. Apollo: (Finally wrestling his way clear of the towel.) So that's how a kobolian mummy feels! I don't think I like it! *Achoooo!* Cordelia: Oh, Apollo, I'm sorry I fell on you... (Begins to wipe Apollo's face with the remains of the dress.) Apollo: No problem, Cordelia. I'm happy I was able to break your fall... *Achoo!* Thanks for the handkerchief... Sheba: (From turboshower.) Aren't you supposed to be somewhere, Apollo? Somewhere other than in my quarters with another woman? Apollo: Oh, that's right. I've gotta finish tracking down Boyington's daggit. *Achoo* But first I'll have to find Commander Gabrielle, wherever she and her warriors have gone. Cordelia: Oooh, that sounds dangerous! Apollo: No, she may carry a sharp spear, but she's not dangerous to us. It's not like she bites or anything. Cordelia: No, I mean the daggit! Apollo: I don't think it bites, either...although Wilker could have made some modifications. After all, thinking about it, Muffy did bite Cylons... *Achoo!* Sheba: (Reappearing, wrapped in another towel.) So why don't you get back to your duty and find that daggit and get out of my quarters? Apollo: Come to think of it, Sheba, aren't you supposed to be somewhere carrying out your duty, tracking down Belloby's mushies? Sheba: Well, it's kinda hard to get dressed when there are a pair of strangers lying on your bedroom floor! Apollo: We're not strangers! And you're supposed to be mushie-hunting! You shouldn't have been here at all! *Achoo!* You're being derelict in your duty! Sheba: You take that back! Besides, look who's talking, you sneezing daggit non-tracker! Cordelia: You're the one who's tracking down my Aunt Belloby's mushies? Wonderful! Are you having any luck? She's so looking forward to those mushies being found. Sheba: No, I'm not having any luck. Because people keep getting in my way and saying and doing stupid things! Apollo: What's that supposed to mean? Sheba: Like I really need to explain to you how stupid it is to drop in on me like this without calling first? And like I have to explain why I need time to recover when people tell me dreadful lies about my father being back when he's not? Cordelia: That's terrible! Apollo, did you do that? Apollo: I never said Cain was back when he wasn't! Cordelia: See, Sheba? Apollo didn't do that. He couldn't do that. He's too sweet and kind and wonderful. And he's not going to get in the way of you finding Aunt Belloby's mushies, either, because he wouldn't do that. So you can go ahead and find the mushies. And when you do, my aunt and I can move back to our home on the other ship, and... Apollo: Wait a centon - if Sheba finds the mushies, you have to leave the Galactica? Cordelia: Well...yes, I think so... Apollo: Sheba, I take it all back. Don't hurry in finding those mushies on my account. *Achoo.* You certainly need time to get over a crisis like this. In fact, I think you should take at least several more days. Maybe you should even take a furlon - get away from it all, forget it all. Maybe even forget it forever. *Achoo.* Don't do anything that would result in Cordelia having to leave the Galactica. Cordelia: Apollo, you'd do that for me? Have one of your pilots disobey orders to keep me here? Oh, you must really love me! Apollo: Madly, deeply, truly - I'd do anything... Sheba: I hate to interrupt this moment, but is that my dress? My Ganymede original, that you're using as a floor wipe and kleenex? Cordelia: (Apologetically.) Oops... Sheba: (Flings herself to floor and gathers ruins of dress to herself.) My...my Ganymede original... The only one I had in my closet. My favorite, my newest, my most wonderful...and now he's dead, there'll never be another... Cordelia: (Distressed.) Oh, I know exactly how you feel! If I lost any of my Ganymede gowns, I'd be...I'd be devastated! Wait! I have an idea! Sheba, I feel so terrible about using your gown for a mop, how about if you come over to my quarters, and pick out something from my closet, a Ganymede original to take the place of this old thing, anything you like... Sheba: (Stopping sobbing.) You have Ganymede originals? Cordelia: Dozens of them. Sheba: And I can have any one I want? Cordelia: Sure! Two of them, if you like! I know you and Apollo used to be close. I do want us to be friends. Sheba grabs Cordelia's hand and pulls her to her feet, heading for the door, which has only just been repaired from the slamming she gave it back in episode 90. The sopping ruins of the gown splatter onto Apollo's face as Sheba negligently tosses it away. Fortunately, Sheba hangs onto her towel this time. Apollo: Hey! *Sniffle.* Was that really necessary? Sheba: Friends it is. Let's go, kiddo. No time like the present - and I love presents. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can borrow today. Oh, Apollo? Take your time getting up - but be gone by the time I get back. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Paye say, "But the guy said he was family!" Subject: The Continuing St-or-y - Jolly did something... Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001 And now, back to our st-or-y: "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 122 Scene: Life Center. Security is running around; Salik and Quincy are going over their computer records. Nova is trying to be everywhere at once. Captain Columbo, cheap trenchcoat, cheap fumarello, and all, is questioning Dr. Paye. Columbo: So let me get this straight. You let some guy -- a complete stranger -- walk in here, give you a sob story, and walk out with the corpse. Is that what happened? Paye: But the guy said he was family! How was I supposed to know? Columbo: Well, the fact that Ganymede was Caprican and this guy was Scorpian should have a been a tip off that they weren't even in the same tribe. Paye: Well...they coulda been half-brothers... Columbo: (Waving his fumarello.) Possible. But not too likely, you have to admit. And definitely worth investigating before you released the body. Paye: (Wringing hands together and looking ready to cry.) Well...yeah... It's just...it's just that so few of us have any family left, when this guy came in... Columbo: (Putting a comforting hand on Paye's shoulder.) You thought what you would feel like, in Ganymede's situation, and how you'd want a brother to come claim you, even though you weren't here to even know about it. Paye: Well, I never had a brother, but I did have a sister, and...yeah, that's about it. Columbo: I understand completely, doctor, and I don't hold it against you. But if Dr. Quincy doesn't regain his memory, you understand the disappearance of the corpse could wind up a very significant issue - and the fact that you had a hand in the disappearance, wittingly or not, looks bad. Paye turns green, coughs at the smoke from Columbo's fumarello, then faints. Columbo: (Looking around.) Could someone help this man to a bed, please? Several security rush to the rescue and pick up Paye from the floor, to carry him to a life pod. Salik and Nova rush over to see what's going on. Meanwhile, Commander Adama walks in to check on Columbo's progress in the investigation. Salik: Sorry, Captain - Paye hates cheap fumarellos. Adama: Any progress, Columbo? Columbo: Not yet, sir. (Cocks his head.) Did you just see something unusual, Commander? Adama: How did you guess? Columbo: (Self-deprecatingly.) A little something I've learned over the yahrens. What did you see? Adama: Believe it or not, and I find it hard to believe, I just saw Sheba running around in a towel. Salik: Sheba, in a towel? Now why would she do that? Nova: A lot of women feel that way, now that Ganymede's gone, that they might just as well run around in a towel... Columbo: Do you feel that way, Med Tech Nova? Nova: Me? No, I'm just a med tech, when do I have a change to dress up? And I wear a uniform all the time, I don't really need anything fancy like a Ganymede gown. Columbo: So you don't mind that he's dead, do you? Nova: (Freezing and going pale - that's what happens when you feeze.) That's not what I said! I'm a med tech, of course I care that he's dead! I didn't do it! I didn't do it! (Runs out.) Three Miri Feathers warriors, half-dressed but fully armed, enter Life Center, and begin a sweep of the room. Columbo: I suppose you're reacting to Ganymede's death too? Thamesa, one of the Miri Feathers: Who? Columbo: Ganymede, the couturier. (Pause.) The dead dressmaker. (Pause.) The one whose body disappeared from here this very afternoon while the doctor who performed his autopsy was lying unconscious in a conduit, twined like a kobolian mummy, suffering from a minor case of amnesia. Thamesa: Amnesia... I heard of her. Didn't Captain Apollo date her on Terra? Columbo: No, it's a loss of memory. What about Ganymede? Thamesa: Never heard of him. Now if you'll excuse me, we have a daggit to find. The Miri Feathers leave Life Center. Columbo: (Scratching the side of his head.) Imagine that, a red-blooded human woman who hasn't heard of Ganymede of Couturiers of Caprica. Now I think I've seen everything. Adama: Not quite everything. You didn't see Sheba drop her towel. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "I knew there was a risk, and it was a risk I wasn't prepared to take." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids 123 Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 123 Scene: Life Center. Columbo, Salik, and Adama stand in the midst of barely organized chaos, talking. Columbo is smoking or chewing on his fumarello - again, still, some more. Adama: (Coughing.) Excuse me, Captain, would you mind not blowing that smoke in my direction? I can't stand the stuff, makes my eyes water and my lungs burn and makes my uniform smell like I've been wearing it for a secton. Columbo: That's just because these are cheap fumarellos, not the good mummified kobolians. But speaking of wearing and not wearing, where are Ganymede's effects and apparel? Did Paye give that to the complete stranger too? Salik: Uh, I'm afraid so. Columbo: Hmm. Say, doc, do you happen to recall that trim around the cloak he was wearing? Salik: Umm...yes, it was rather memorable - fur of some kind. Adama: Fur? Salik: Yes. Dyed a deep glossy black, I believe. Long strips of it, interspersed with rows of hera's-eye tail feathers. Columbo: That's the way I remember it, too. Adama: Fur? Columbo: That's what the man said. Does that have some special meaning to you, Commander? Adama: Fur? No, why would fur have special meaning to me? What kind of fur was it, Salik? Salik: I'm not really sure. I assume it's a synthetic daggit fur - the same kind we used on Muffey, only longer and glossier. Adama: Daggit fur... Columbo: Commander, I hope you'll pardon my saying so, but you're certainly reacting as if this fur has some particular personal significance to you. Adama steps forward for an aside soliloquy. The lights go down, except for one shining directly on the troubled Commander of the Galactica. Background music is low, haunting, and majestic, appropriate for a commander's soliloquy. Adama: Daggit fur. After all this time, why did it have to be daggit fur? I made sure we didn't bring any daggits with us when we evacuated the Colonies. I knew there was a risk if we did, and it was a risk I wasn't prepared to take, even though it meant no child of the Colonies would ever again have a daggit for a pet. Even though I knew I'd be challenged about bringing ovines and porcines and bovines and avines and other Colonial fowl and animals, and not bringing daggits. Adama: (Continuing.) There was nothing I could do about my son having Wilker make a daggit for his son, except order Wilker never to create another one, on threat of being spaced. It was already too late, then. Wouldn't have been a great loss, anyway, if anything had happened to Muffey, and we did finally get rid of the kid after all. Adama: (Still.) But it had to be daggit fur... Who else but Ganymede would wear daggit fur? Who else would want to? Who else could get away with it? And he was wearing it the day he was terminated... Could it have been...them? Was it murder, or vengeance from beyond the Pyramid? Adama: (Yet again...) Maybe it's been a mistake, to conceal the terrible history of the Galactica ghosts and the pack of spectral dire daggits that have pursued those poor souls through the depths of this battlestar for the last five hundred yahrens. It's what every commander has done for that five hundred yahrens, passing the information along directly from one commander to the next, but... Have I been derelict in my duty to the men and women in my command? Should I have been more open about the history of this ship to protect the people who now depend upon her for their safety? Is it time to change? To open the archives of all that's happened? Adama: (Yawn.) And yet, can it be to their benefit to know all the secrets, not just of the spectral dire daggits and the history of Neit, Lupercus, and Anubis, but also of- The camera crashes over, and we are suddenly viewing Adama sideways. Adama: Hey, get up, videolater, I'm doing a soliloquy on deeply emotional and dramatic issues relevant to the survival of the fleet here! Videolator: Uh, sorry, I was falling asleep... Do you think maybe we should be getting back to the episode? Adama: This is most of the episode. Videolator: Oh. Adama: Well, you've broken my concentration now. We might as well get on with it... Adama steps back into his previous position, the lights come up, the commander's soliloquy music gives way to the normal soundtrack. Adama: Daggit fur? No, why would daggit fur mean anything to me? Other than how unusual it is to find anyone from the Colonies wearing fur, in this day and age...and something resembling daggit fur at that. Unusual, very unusual. How did you say Ganymede was terminated? Columbo: That's the thing, the autopsy report is gone, the body has vanished, and the man who performed the autopsy has partial amnesia. We have no way of knowing how he died. Adama: We have to find that body... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama ask, "Shouldn't you be with the Miri Feathers, hunting the elusive Boyington daggit?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 124 Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2001 Like sand through the colonial hourglass, so too are the days that Jolly forgot those #@#!#$*&*+_()$%^@** kids!!! Now look-ee here!!!! How *irresponsible* can one fully grown, overweight man be?!?!? How could a man his size be overrun by a bunch of kids??? Let me tell you, in *my* day, we would *never* let our youngsters run loose like this man has!!! My husband, Lords rest his soul, would have *never* for one micron turned his back on our 22 kids!! No sir-ree!! He would have stood there, firmly and made those kids march to his tune, let me tell you!! He would have had a switch in hand and made those youngins mind him, make no never mind about that! Now this upstart Colonial Warrior, suppose to be trained in discipline and order, is letting these kids run amok through this fleet and get into all kinds of mischief! And he's a sargent, no less, and is letting a bunch of hooligans create havoc in this fleet. *WELL*!!! That would have never happened in *my* day. My mother worked her fingers to the bone to keep us children in line. Trudging over 100 metrons uphill, in a blinding snowstorm, with holes in her shoes, the only protection from the cold she had was a threadbare shaw draped over her thin shoulders, as she took us in an orderly fashion to school. What is this world coming to? Next thing you know, these upstart youngins are going to overthrow Adama and be in command of the Galactica. I can just see it now, children flying vipers, defending us from the Cylons. Oy Vy!! Yes, madam, I'm sure we would all *love* to hear about your views on order, discipline and child-rearing, but we do have a show to do. So *GET* *OFF* *MY* *SHOW*!!! Now, as I was saying. It is time for another thrilling episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids." I am your guest host, Sire Geeiwishihadabetterjobthatpaidmorethanthiscrap and am filling in this secton. The vacationing Siress Sharonwhothinksthatshecanenjoysomevacationisoutofhermind of Maplewood on the colony of Canceria, who was taken away last week screaming out of control in that strait-jacket is making a full reovery and will return from the next secton to assume her usual role as Chief Trouble-maker and Havoc-wreaker. I'm also happy to report that the eight orderlys that tried in vain to restrain her are also making a full recovery. Now on with our show... (Okay gang, I got to have *some* fun at 5:30 in the morning, perspiring with no a/c with more over 90 degree temps expected today. The heat made me do it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!! -- Lady Rae) "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 124 Scene: Still in Life Center. There are sudden sounds from above, and everyone looks up. Gabrielle: (Dropping in lithely from the hole in the ceiling.) Hi, everybody. Adama: Commander Gabrielle! What are you doing up there? Gabrielle: Hunting daggits, of course. Didn't Apollo tell you we'd gone into the conduits? Adama: (Looking up as Sancroixa and Mississippia drop down to join Gabrielle.) Isn't Apollo with you? Gabrielle: No, he didn't follow us. I assumed he'd gone to update you on the search. Adama: He seems to have...overlooked that detail... Gabrielle: I'm sure he'll get around to it. Adama: I'm sure. So how is the hunt progressing? Gabrielle: (Sort of embarrassed.) Well, so far we haven't found any daggits - but we think we accidentally hit somebody with an arrow. It's amazing how many people are crawling around in those conduits! Adama: You think you hit somebody...? (Closes eyes and sighs deeply.) Was it serious? Gabrielle: I didn't catch his name; he kept on going. Adama: At least there's that... Have you given up on searching the conduits? Gabrielle: Nah, we just we'd drop in for a quick snack and then head back up. We haven't had a challenge like this in ages! I mean, even when we had Cylons land on our planet and try to take over everything and wipe us out, the kids thought it was all a big game and took 'em out before we had a chance to practice tracking. (Shrugs cheerfully.) Kids. What can you do? Adama: True... Gabrielle: Let's go, Sancroixa, Mississippia. If I remember my map, there's a mess hall not far from here. We can grab some lunch, fill up our water jugs, and resume the glorious hunt for the Boyington daggit! The other Miri Feathers react with cheers and start dancing around, spears held high. Staff and security start ducking aside. Salik: Hold it! This is Life Center! We're here to save people, not stab them! Gabrielle: Uh, sorry, doctor. We tend to get a little carried away at times. Let's go, warriors... More subdued, or at least carrying their spears set on "safety," the three Miri Feathers warriors head out of life center. As they do, Apollo comes in. Adama: Captain! Shouldn't you be going along with the Miri Feathers, gloriously hunting the elusive Boyington daggit? Apollo: *Sniffle.* I would, but I'm *achoo* not feeling very well... Adama and Salik exchange glances. Salik: I *told* you not to forget decontamination, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you pilots always know better. You're always in a hurry. You're always skipping decontamination because it's too much trouble... and you've probably infected half the ship by now! Apollo: *Achoo.* Dr. Salik, can you save the lecture *sniffle* until later, and give me something before my head explodes? Salik: Is that from the illness or your pilot's ego? (Relents.) Oh, all right, come on this way. We'll put you in quarantine and start figuring out what's wrong with you. And Nova, start inoculating everybody in the room against everything we've got. Maybe the scattershot approach will work... Nova: Right away, doctor. Greenbean and Giles appear at the door; Greenbean is leaning heavily on Giles. Giles: Doctor Salik! Somebody! Help! Greenbean's been shot! Amid myriad cries and exclamations, Salik and Adama rush over. Adama: What happened? Greenbean: (Piteously, moaning.) I...I was in the conduits, taking the shortcut to the O Club...when suddenly...suddenly...something bit me in the end! I broke off the tooth when I crawled away...and escaped. I think I scared it...when I yelled... Was it the Galactica ghost? Starbuck...told us...about the daggits in the conduits... Salik helps him to a bed and begins investigating the wound. Giles: I told you, Greenbean, it can't have been a daggit ghost. There's no such thing! Salik stands up, solemnly holding up a broken arrow, with the emblem of the Miri Feathers. Salik: Somebody's gotta tell those women to be more careful! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Columbo say, "I think I know who killed Ganymede." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 125 Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 It's Thursday and time again for IFB's longest running soap opera, "Jolly Forgot the Kids" "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 125 Scene: Yes, we're still in Life Center. Salik is helping Greenbean. Paye comes wandering back in, having recovered from his faint. Columbo, who has been talking to Adama, stops suddenly, then stoops and picks up something from the floor. Columbo: Say, Dr. Paye, did you by chance drop this little amulet in the all comings and goings and hubbub around here? (Holds out an amulet on a chain.) Maybe when you fainted? Paye: Oh, I don't think so... (He gropes around his neck and then reaches into his pocket, looking puzzled.) Hmm, I guess it must be, I seem to have dropped it... Thanks for finding it. I didn't even realize it was missing. Columbo: I trust you understand why I have to have you look at this and confirm that it's yours? Paye: Of course. (Takes amulet.) Yes, this is definitely mine. That's my house crest on the back. Columbo: Thanks for confirming that, doctor. Glad I could be of help. You should hang on to your amulets, doctor. Paye: I will...and I guess I better get back to work, I understand Apollo needs a check-up and we have to start those inoculations... Columbo: Right. (Turns to Adama.) I think I know who killed Ganymede. Adama: You do? Who? Columbo: Let's just say, there's a few little details I want to check, and then I'll be able to tell you for certain. I'll get back to you... (Leaves life center.) Salik: So, Adama, who's going to tell the Miri Feathers to stop shooting people in the conduits? Adama: I'm not going to tell them. You tell them. You're the doctor. You have to clean up after them. Salik: I'm not going to tell them. You're the commander. It's your responsibility. Besides, they've got sharp pointy things and they're not afraid to use them. Gabrielle: (Voice yelling out in corridor.) I said, quit looking at my chest! A scream echoes in the corridor. Adama: She's got good hearing. Lt. Tarlik staggers into life center, doubled over, obviously in pain. Tarlik: (In a high, squeaky voice.) I've been shot, I've been shot! Salik: Where? Tarlik: Where it hurts the most! Adama: By Commander Gabrielle? Tarlik: Yes... Adama: Why? Tarlik: All I did was ask her if she needed any help over there on their ship - and she used her sling shot on me! Adama: Were those your exact words? Tarlik: Well, not exactly...I might have referred to helping her move her things around and being a great mover and shaker and being available for any heavy lifting or heavy breathing or anything like that... Adama: Moving her "things" around? A mover and shaker and a heavy breather? Tarlik: Well... Adama: And that's when she shot you? Tarlik: Yes... Doc, make the pain go away... Adama: She's got good taste. Salik: And good aim. All right, Lieutenant, right this way... Adama: At this rate, she's going to fill up life center faster than the Cylons do... As if on cue... Tigh: (Over loudspeaker): All pilots report immediately to the launch bay. We are picking up Cylon Raiders, closing on the Fleet. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "Sheba, you can't fly like that!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 126 Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 07:21:01 -0700 (PDT) Well, children, it's then end of another week, (T-G-I-F!!!!!!) and I must bid Adeiu to you and you and you and you (Sound of Music is playing in my head!). My time as your "guest poster" of JFTK has been a memorable one, one that I shall never forget (Is it getting a little *deep* here?) but I must relinquish my duties back to the "mini-cheese" (office joke) aka Sharon Monroe (who may be Starbuck in disguise, we are still working on that angle) who returns to her position Saturday after returning from her *vacation* at the lake. Old Irish curse - May you look like Sparky the lobster. So with this, I now post today's exciting thrilling and heart stopping episode of Jolly Flunked the Kids. It's "forgot" you idiot!!! My apologies. We now join "Jolly Forgot You, Idiot". Lady Rae, taking her last liberty ******************** "This is journalator Aphrodite, taking over for journalator Nessman, who is currently on the Agro Ship, reporting on the current status of our flocks, herds, and crops. I, on the other hand, am reporting on the latest Cylon attack. Even as we speak, our noble pilots are gathering in the bay to launch into ferocious battle to defend our lives. The adrenaline pumps in their toned young bodies and their heartbeats race as they wait breathlessly for the beginning of the combat that will decide not just their fates, but ours. The tension and heat build in their well-trained muscles as they prepare to put the skills of a lifetime to test, yet again. The sweat gathers on their foreheads and trickles down their throats, dampening their hair and running in rivulets down their chests to slowly pool in their navels... Is it getting warm in here? Excuse me, I'm going to have to go take a cold shower - while I'm gone, why don't you all watch the eighteenth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 126 Scene: The Galactica launch bay, where warriors are hopping into their fighters and preparing to launch, to defend the fleet from this latest Cylon attack. Bojay and Starbuck hop into their adjoining Vipers, Starbuck lingering long enough to bestow kisses of gratitude and farewell on the four female Viper technicians working on his ship. Starbuck: Thanks for working on my ship. Gals, you're the greatest. Meet you on the Rising Star, later? Four Techicians, also known as Maggie, Vaughn, Patti, and Cathy: See you there... Bojay: Why can't I get treatment like that for my Viper? Starbuck: 'Cuz you don't give your techs treatment like I do. Awh, come on, Bojay, you know I've got a reputation to maintain. Bojay: Yeah, I know. Glad to see you back in action, buddy. Starbuck: Hey, I'm always in action. Unfortunately, this time it's with the Cylons. At least I've got tonight to look forward to. Sheba rushes into the bay and to her ship, on the other side of Bojay's, wearing a towel wrapped over her g-suit. Bojay: (Shocked.) Sheba, you can't fly like that! Sheba: (Climbing into her cockpit.) I'm wearing my g-suit. That's all I had time to put on. Who cares what I'm wearing over it? I don't. My Viper doesn't. The vacuum of space doesn't. The Cylons don't. So why should you? Bojay: Because I'm your wingman! I've got to fly beside you into combat with my last image of you being wrapped only in a towel over your basically sheer g-suit, every curve of your body outlined tightly and revealed by the terrycloth fabric of your towel, your long legs as good as bare all the down to your sweet little tootsies - and you expect me to be able to fight with that picture in my mind? Sheba: You can't fight because you've got my toes in your mind? Bojay: Well, I know where I'd rather have them... Sheba: Bojay...I didn't know you thought of me that way... Bojay: How could I not, at this moment? Sheba: Gee...I...I never thought of you that way... Bojay: I know you didn't...that's why I never said anything... Sheba: Bojay, when we're back from this mission, we're going to have a nice long talk. I think it's time we reconsidered our relationship. Maybe it's time we were more than just wingmen and shipmates and good friends who can tell each other every...little...thing. Starbuck: Hey, Sheba, isn't this kinda the wrong time to be talking about something like this? Sheba: You know me, Starbuck, I get all mushy before a mission. I need a something special in my life to cling to as I go into battle with my life on the line. I like a guy who can be romantic at a time like this. Apollo rushes into the bay and jumps in his Viper. Apollo: Hi, guys, did you save a few for me? Starbuck: I thought you were sick, in quarantine! Apollo: Ah, just turned out to be a little Aquarian sinus bug. So, what's going on? Starbuck: We're waiting for Cylons to attack, and Sheba and Bojay just decided to discuss their love life when they get back. Apollo: I thought Sheba didn't have a love life. Sheba: I will now. Bojay knows how to be romantic. Apollo: Are you implying that I don't? Sheba: If the boot fits... Apollo: Hey, you're not that easy to be romantic with! Especially while facing battle! And it's not easy to get romantic in the middle of a daggitfight when the person you're talking to is taking pot shots at Cylon tankers. Sheba: Is that a shot at my father? Apollo: (Mimicking.) If the boot fits... Tigh: (On speakers.) This is Colonel Tigh, from the bridge. Do you pilots realize that your every word is being picked up on our internal comm system by special feed to IFB, and permanently preserved for posterity for the entire fleet? Now shut up, get out there, and fight! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Rigel say, "There's a shuttle missing!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 127 Date: Sat, 30 Jun 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 127 Scene: A shuttle at the edge of the fleet, currently occupied by Chameleon and several of children from the Jolly and Cassie Ship. The youngsters piloting the shuttle do a flyby of one of the ships that nearly scrapes the paint off and scares the bejeezus out of the helmsman on the ship. Spif: Like this, Grampa Cham? Chameleon: (Swallowing hard to avoid throwing up.) Son, you're gonna grow up just like Starbuck! You already fly like him! I'm amazed Colonel Tigh hasn't court-martialed him by now... Spif: Awh, I wanna grow up like Papa Jo! Chameleon: Well, if you want to grow up like Jolly, you'll have to return to the Jolly and Cassie Ship, study hard, be good, and have some more mushies! Lots more mushies! Spif: I can do that! Dennis: Will he still fit in a cockpit? Chameleon: Your Papa Jo does! But for now, I really think we should go back to the Ship - with the Cylon attack and all. Cassie and Jolly aren't going to be happy that I let you take the shuttle out, when I was supposed to be child-sitting. You said it was only going to be a three-centar cruise... Dennis: Don't worry, Grampa Cham, we'll explain everything. We'll tell them we twined you like a kobolian mummy and held you hostage and wouldn't untwine you unless you agreed to take us out for a spin around the fleet. Chameleon: Oh, you'll tell them the truth. Spif: Yup! Okay, Grampa Cham! Let's go home! Children: Woo-hoo! Dennis: (Jarring something on the control panel.) Oops... Chameleon: Uh...where are we going now? We're heading away from the fleet - and the Cylons are still attacking. Dennis: Umm, I'm not sure. Chameleon: Well, this isn't where you're supposed to be going. Please turn around now, children, and take us back to the fleet. Spif: Umm, I think we're out of control... Chameleon: Oh, dear, Jolly and Cassie really aren't going to be happy about this... Scene: Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Galactica... Tigh: (With satisfaction.) It appears all of our fighters are returning, Commander. No casualties. Adama: Excellent, excellent. Rigel: Sir! We have a problem! Adama: Is one of our brave fighters under a vile sudden sneak attack by an enemy that was playing dead, which will necessitate a heroic emergency counterattack by my son and his wingmate, to save him or her from utter destruction? Rigel: No, sir, the Cylons have abandoned fight and are retreating in their usual fashion. Adama: Was one of our warriors injured and now has to limp back to the battlestar, struggling to hold his or her ship together long enough for a dangerous and dramatic landing, while we wait here with growing tension? Rigel: No, they're all just fine and dandy, sir. Adama: Has there been a unexpectedly discovered stellar anomaly that will test the skills of our finest warriors as they risk studying it and enduring its unknown mysterious effects upon them? Rigel: No, that's Star Trek, not Battlestar Galactica. Adama: Then what is it? Rigel: There's a shuttle missing! Adama: A shuttle! Which one? Rigel: One of the Jolly and Cassie shuttles. Adama: (Looking at Tigh.) A Jolly and Cassie shuttle? Tigh: The children? Adama: (Closing his eyes dramatically.) Lords help them all... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Avona say, "We put thirteen arrows into it, and it got up and ran away!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 128 Date: Sun, 01 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 128 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Adama: Summon all pilots to a briefing as soon as they land! Order all squadrons on standby- Tigh: Sir, how can they be on standby if they're all at a briefing? Adama: Um, we'll have the briefing in the launch bay! Order all Vipers immediately repaired, refueled, and rearmed, get all our techs- Tigh: Sir, half the techs are working on Starbuck's Viper as it is. Adama: The female half? Tigh: Of course. Adama: Threaten to have 'em all reassigned to Yellow Squadron if they can't do their job, where they'll never have another appearance in this serial as long as it lasts! Tigh: I'll do that, sir. Adama: But if they get everybody's Viper ready in record time, they'll all get rotated to private duty on Starbuck's ship. Every one of them. In turn. They'll each get a chance to be Starbuck's one and only Viper tech. For a night. Rigel: Sir! Request permission to transfer to Viper technician status for a day! Adama: Denied. Rigel: Rats! Tigh: Where? Rigel: There! An arrow clefts the air; with a dramatic squeak, and after five centons of melodramatic, overdone, hysterical posing in the midst of the general mayhem, the rodent finally kicks the bucket - which, of course, spills the contents. The bucket of 5W-30, set aside by a certain technician who shall remain nameless, for lubrication work on the bridge, spills and become a spreading pool across the bridge, causing a very attractive if not very bubbly small water...uh, oilfall from the command dais down to the middle level, down to the bottom level, before finally making its gurgling way into a conduit grill. Adama: All right, who did that? A gaggle of Miri Feathers enter the bridge. Adama: Commander Gabrielle! Did you find the daggit? Gabrielle: Not yet. Although we did get something. Adama: I know - Greenbean came to Life Center after you left, with an arrow in his backside. So did Tarlik, with some stone damage to his frontside. You've got to be more careful about your aim. Gabrielle: Got 'em both, didn't I? I'd say my aim's pretty good. But no, this wasn't one of your pilots. Oh, by the way, you'll find Corporal Komma somewhere between delta and gamma levels. He and Seina were playing touch-me-touch-you, and he got stuck in a conduit. He's gonna need some help getting out. Right now, he's like an ursine of little brain in a lepine hole after too much huney. Adama: Tigh? Tigh: We'll get someone right on it. Hmm, maybe some of the 5W-30 is going that way... Adama: So what did you get? Gabrielle: Avona, it was your team, you tell him. Avona: We got a daggit. Adama: (Eagerly.) You did? Where is it? Hey, I thought you said you didn't get the daggit! Avona: Well, we saw it...and we tracked it...and we shot it... But then... I mean, we put thirteen arrows into it, and it got up and ran away! Adama: You must have missed it in the twisting conduits and corridors. Avona: No, we definitely hit it. It howled and collapsed and fell over and everything. And then it got up, shook itself, and ran away! Adama: It must have been bleeding. Did you follow it? Gabrielle: That's just it, Adama. There was no blood. When we got to where the carcass lay, or did lay, briefly, all that was there were our thirteen arrows, nicely laid out in a pattern -- the points weren't even broken off! Adama: What kind of pattern? Gabrielle: The sigil of old Caprica... The bridge crew falls silent, all looking at Commander Adama. Adama: Tigh, call that briefing. It's time to tell...the secret. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama ask, "Starbuck, did you send around a memo?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 129 Date: Mon, 02 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 129 Scene: A briefing room, where Adama has just explained the five-hundred-yahren old story of the dire daggit pack haunting the depths of the Battlestar Galactica, and the tragic tale of what happened to Neit and Lupercus, and the evil tale of Anubis and his geneticist father who cloned the murderous pack from old preserved DNA - and we all know what happens when villainous scientists decide to play cloning games with old DNA, right? And nobody wants to know what else might be running around the depths of the Galactica, right? (At least, not this episode...) Adama: (Taking a deep breath.) And that is why we don't use certain parts of the battlestar for anything but storage, and why we hear mysterious sounds from below, at times, and why we're not supposed to use the conduits that lead down to those levels, and why we sometimes see what appear to be men running from what appear to be dire daggits, and why I didn't allow the rescue of any daggits from Caprica when we escaped, and why I ordered Wilker not to make any more daggits afterward. Any questions? Giles: Commander, how come I've never seen these dire daggits? I mean, I use those conduits all the time - everybody does, they're quicker and easier than actually trying to figure our way around the maze of corridors on this ship... Adama: You got lucky. Any other questions? Greenbean: Sir, if that's the case, how come you let Boxey have a daggit? Adama: Um, well... (Tugging at his collar.) Um, I guess it was a case of the lesser of two evils. Any other questions? Greenbean: The lesser of two evils? But that doesn't explain- Tigh: Sit down, Greenbean. Next? Greenbean sits down gingerly to protect his wounded end. Bojay: Will this briefing last long? Sheba and I have some things to discuss and this is really cramping our style. Sheba: *Giggle.* Tigh: (Under his breath.) She's giggling, sir. Have you ever heard her giggle? Adama: (Also under his breath.) Not since Iblis was aboard... Tigh and Adama both shudder. Adama: You'll wait, like everybody else. Just hold your equines, Bojay. Bojay: Publicly??? Tigh: Sit down, Bojay. Sheba, cut that out. Everyone looks avidly to see what she's doing. Sheba: Hey, what? My hands are where everyone can see them! Boy, you start getting sweets on someone, and everybody gets a dirty mind! Apollo: You mean sweet? Bojay: (Grinning broadly.) Nope. Sweets. Mushies. We've got plans. And we'll both need a shower afterward. Apollo: Ewh. That's a picture I didn't need. (Turns back to the others.) My turn for a question. Am I the only one here who didn't know about the dire daggits? Giles: Actually, none of us did, until Starbuck sent around that memo just before the battle. Adama: Starbuck, did you send around a memo? Starbuck: Well, I might have mentioned it to my secretary, Raleen- Apollo: (Interrupting.) Your secretary? You have a secretary? Starbuck: Well, yeah. Doesn't every brave, handsome, heroic, dashing, roguish Colonial Warrior and Viper pilot with magnificent hair have a secretary to keep track of his duty shifts and his social commitments and his personal engagements and to send out press announcements on his behalf? Travis, captain in Red Squadron: I know I do. Venus, lieutenant in Red Squadron: Me, too. Wouldn't be caught dead without her. Apollo: (Looking around at all the nodding pilots.) Oh...well...yeah, of course. I...just didn't think you did. I...thought you had to be captain to have a secretary...yeah, that's it, that's what I thought... Uh, sir, since we all know about the dire daggit, how about continuing with the purpose of the briefing? Adama: Right... There is a sudden cracking sound; one of the walls gives way and falls over backward, revealing the launch bay, and a handful of carpenters and painters, with some special effects people working on the starfield visible through the open end of the bay. Carpenter #1: Oops...I guess we put that emergency briefing room together too quickly... Carpenter #2: We can have it back up again in a few microns, Commander... Adama: (Sighing heavily.) Oh, don't bother... Just don't lose any nails where I might step on them later on my way out of the bay... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "Report to Life Center for emergency treatment." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 130 Date: Tue, 03 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 130 Scene: Still in the hastily assembled briefing room, in the launch bay. The carpenters and pilots together give the fallen wall the old heave-to, and push it back into place, where a couple of screws and nails and lots of power tools are put to use to hold it together long enough to finish the scene. Adama: (Sternly to master carpenter.) Do you think you could manage not to do that again? Carpenter #1: (In injured tones.) Hey, at least there were no microphones in the picture! Giles: I think I got a sliver. Tigh: Report to Life Center for emergency treatment. Giles: Yes, sir! Hey, wait a centon. That means I don't get to go on the mission, doesn't it? Tigh: Right. Giles: But...but... Awh, come on, I never get to go on any missions... Adama: Giles, report to Life Center before I decide to use these power tools on you and make you really need to go Life Center. Giles: Gone, sir. Adama: Good. Now, back to the mission at hand... The pilots gather around and take their appropriate places. Adama: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a missing shuttle. Various expressions of horror and concern. Adama: It's full of kids from the Jolly and Cassie Ship. Various expressions of relief and annoyance. Adama: It's your job to find that shuttle. Various groans and rolling of eyes. Adama: I now need volunteers to go in search of the missing shuttle. Greenbean: Can we ask questions first? Adama: (Sighing.) Of course. Greenbean: How'd Jolly forget this bunch? Tigh: Actually, while Jolly may be the one who forgets the kids, according to the available information, Chameleon's the one who lost this group. Bojay: Maybe he did us a favor. Sheba, not here...I'm ticklish...save it for the celestial observation chamber... Apollo: Wait a centon - the celestial observation chamber? That's my private getaway spot! Sheba, if you're not with me, you can't go there. Sheba: You think I care what you think? Starbuck: Chameleon! He's on that shuttle? I volunteer! I've got to save my dear old friend who's become as close to me as a father, even though he's a complete stranger and we're not even really relatives, except for being members of the same tribe going back ten generations or so. And he only used me to save himself from Borellian Nomen. Tigh: Starbuck...you volunteered? Starbuck: Well...yeah! Tigh: In plain sight, in front of everybody? You didn't sneak aboard a ship, or launch your Viper early, or reprogram the computers to include you, or anything? Starbuck: No - but I could, if it'll make you happy, Colonel. Anything to keep you happy. Adama: Enough! Thank you for volunteering, Starbuck. Continue, Tigh. Tigh: According to Jolly's best estimate, there are twelve children on that shuttle, along with Chameleon. At last position report, they were heading away from the fleet at Factor Four, on a heading five mark thirty-two lamba by sixteen delta delta delta twelve mark six. Apollo: Sheba, Bojay told you to cut that out! And don't you even think of heading for the celestial observation chamber, or else! Sheba: (Sticks out tongue.) Or else what? You'll pull rank as daddy's little captain? Apollo: Beats daddy's little lieutenant! Adama: Starbuck, it appears that Apollo and Sheba have volunteered to join you on this mission. All three of you, report back to the launch bay in thirty centons. Anybody else who wants in, be here too. The rest of you, dismissed. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Columbo say, "Doesn't anybody want to know who terminated Ganymede?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 131 Date: Wed, 04 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 131 Scene: The launch bay, in a hectic situation as the crew prepare for the rescue shuttle to go after Chameleon and the kids. Numerous technicians are swarming Starbuck's Viper, and one or two are working on the other pilots' Vipers. Salik and Paye are organizing medical supplies in case they're needed. Apollo wanders among the mob, double checking everything, then pauses to consider. Apollo: If we're all in our fighters, who's going to fly the shuttle? Jolly: I will. Apollo: (Quickly turning to see his buddy.) Jolly! I thought you were still on paternity leave and weren't due back for about fifty yahrens! Jolly: I know. But these are my kids we're talking about. I'm gonna help look for them. They're gonna know I'm there for them. Apollo: Great. It'll be good to fly with you again. Say...what's that on your neck? Jolly: (Shrugging.) Oh, just gills. Apollo: What??? Jolly: I've been spending a lot of time in the pool with the kids - and my grandmother was Aquarian, I think it's starting to show. Not a problem, is it, Apollo? Apollo: No, no, not at all...hey, Cassie! What are you doing here? Cassiopeia, still decked out like the Bride of Frankenstein, joins the doctors. Cassie: You think I'm letting my dear Jolly go out after our children alone? I'm going to be there if my children need medical assistance. Apollo: He won't be alone - say, what happened to your teeth? Cassie: (Flashing a smile, which clearly reveals extra sharp canines.) Uh...I had them capped. Apollo: (Unnerved.) Oh...well, you get stowed aboard, I'll check out my ship... Boomer: (From across the bay.) Hey, buddy! Apollo: Boomer! Welcome back! Any luck with Athena? Boomer: (Shaking his head as he approached.) No. She's bound and determined to make a career with Rising Star Couturiers, working for Amanda. Apollo: How hard did you try to convince her? Do you think it would help if I went along with you next time? Boomer: (Dismally.) I doubt it. Athena says she won't come back until hades freezes over. Jolly and Cassie exchange glances and grins. Apollo: That'll be hard on my father... Adama: (Enters the bay, with Tigh trailing behind.) Were you looking for me? Apollo: Oh, hi, father! Uh, I think we're almost ready to go. (Kicks Boomer in the shins.) Uh, Boomer, what are you going to do in the meantime? While you're waiting for Athena to come back, I mean... Since it won't be long... Boomer: Oh, right, not long... Well, I thought I'd volunteer for whatever mission this is... Jolly: There's plenty of room on the shuttle. Cutler's Commandos don't take up that much space. Boomer: (Studying Jolly and Cassie) I think I'll take my own ship... Adama: That's perfectly all right, Boomer. Techs, get Boomer's ship ready too... Columbo: (Entering bay.) Where's everybody going? Adama: Ah, hello, Captain Columbo. What are you doing here? Columbo: (Smiling genially.) I thought you'd want to see me. Adama: At an appropriate time, of course- Columbo: Doesn't anybody want to know who terminated Ganymede? Everyone gasps and pauses in what they're doing, then slowly begins to gather around. Adama: You figured it out? Columbo: (Nodding and smiling, gesturing an affirmative with his cheap fumarello.) I figured it out. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear...Whodunnit...maybe. Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 132 Date: Thu, 05 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 132 Scene: Launch bay, where several dozen of the crew of the Galactica have gathered to get the rescue mission into space, and to hear what Columbo has to say. The carpenters and special effects people, however, keep on working on setting up the next scene. Adama: Well? You said you knew who terminated Ganymede the Couturier. Who was it? Columbo: Just a centon, Commander, the rest of the suspects are still gathering... Tigh: The rest of the suspects? But if he knows who did it, why is he still gathering the rest of the suspects? What rest of the suspects? Adama: That's just the way he is, Tigh. It's a classic ploy of murder and mystery investigators - to gather together everyone who could have done it, to let them consider what he's going to say next, to let them sweat as they consider whether they've been found out. And then the investigator outlines the evidence, while the guilty party tries to shoot holes in the case that's been built against them, but only gives away their own culpability. Then it concludes with a public accusation, and security bursts in and takes the terminator away. That's the way it's been done throughout the millennia of human history, back to ancient Kobol- Pilot #1: *Groan.* Not another history lesson... Adama: (Glaring.) All right, that's enough! That was a literature lesson, not a history lesson! Who else are we waiting for, Captain Columbo? Columbo: Them. As Columbo points, a shuttle arrives from the Rising Star; Athena, Uri, Amanda, and the Dread...uh, Captain Robert disembark and join the crowd. A number of pilots, bridge crew, and medical staff arrive via turbolift, including Rigel, Omega, Quincy, and Nova. The entire tech staff leaves their Vipers to gather around. The Miri Feather trackers appear, jumping briskly out of various conduits. Siress Tinia and the rest of the Council of Twelve, accompanied by Council Security, appear from another turbolift. Cutler's Commandos arrive, armed and ready for action. A second shuttle arrives from the Miri Feathers ship, with several of the Black Ovines, several other amazons, and Dr. Wilker and his new associate. Siresses Belloby and Cordelia stroll in from a corridor. Adama: Siress Belloby! Not her! Not here! Not now! Columbo: Oh, that's right, the Greene-Somers Impossibility Factor... Siress, do you mind staying at that end of the bay, with your niece? Belloby: No problem, Columbo. Come on, dearie. Columbo peers over the crowd, which now fills a substantial portion of the launch bay, and nods to himself with a smile, satisfied. Columbo: All right, we can begin... (Strolls through the crowd.) We all know why we're here today. We're here to discuss the murder of Ganymede the Couturier. And you're all here because one of you did it. The usual shocked and horrified expressions and shouts of denial and dismay. Columbo: You all know that he was found dead in a corridor aboard the Galactica, several days ago. Tigh: Actually, wasn't it back in episode 73? That was more than a few days ago. Columbo: Series time, okay? Tigh: Oh. Columbo: Let's begin... Ganymede died from trauma and blood loss from a multitude of deep slashes across his chin and throat. Salik: How do you know that? The autopsy report vanished, and Dr. Quincy has amnesia! Columbo: (Smiling faintly.) There are things a trained investigator knows to look for, doctor. It's hard to miss deep slashes and pools of blood. The daggit faux fur and hera's eye feather trim of his tunic was soaked with it, and there were tears in the fabric. Adama: (Drawing a deep, sharp breath.) Slashes in the daggit fur... The spectral dire daggits? Was he killed by something I should have prevented, if I hadn't let Wilker build Muffey in the first place, and unleashed the dire daggits of the deep? Columbo: No, Adama. Those slashes were too even - and too close together to be the work of a spectral dire daggit. His killer only wanted it to look like he'd been killed by the Galactica ghost. Which tells me that the murderer was someone who knew about the legend. Adama's face goes pale, as do the faces of half the people present. Greenbean: Starbuck, you and your frakkin' memo! Starbuck faints. His trusty Viper techs catch him. Columbo: As I noted, Ganymede was wearing a tunic with daggit faux fur trim. (Meets several eyes.) What the killer didn't know, is that daggit faux fur absorbs smoke odors. At the scene, I discovered a fumarello stub - from a mummified kobolian special, the kind Boomer makes. Boomer faints. Several of his buddies catch him. Columbo: But there was no smoke in the daggit fur. Ganymede wasn't a smoker. That meant the stub came from his killer, who must be a person who enjoys fine fumarellos. Now, when I talked to Boomer over on the Rising Star, he gave me the names of all the people he'd given or sold his special fumarellos to. And I followed up with them. Adama: (Bewildered) When did you talk to Boomer and all these people? Columbo: Offscreen. Adama: That's not allowed! Columbo: Sure it is, commander. When you're a supporting character, a lot of what you do happens offscreen. Wouldn't you say, Colonel Tigh? Tigh: (Visibly sweating.) I...guess so... (Faints. The bridge crew catches him.) Adama: Okay, keep going. Columbo: (Pauses to light his own fumarello and glancing across the crowd.) Right... Several more people faint. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tinia say, "Tell us who did it or we'll terminate you!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 133 Date: Fri, 06 Jul 2001 "This is journalator Koppel, back from the prison barge, with a late-breaking story from the Galactica! Which is definitely more interesting than breaking stories from the prison barge. Things are tense in the launch bay, as Captain Columbo is, even as we speak, about to finger the terminator of Ganymede the Couturier. We all wait with bated breath, wondering who will be revealed as a cold-blooded, ice-hearted, murderer. We understand that there are perhaps a hundred suspects gathered, waiting revelation. Oh, yes, and some of our brave pilots are also preparing to go to the rescue of a group of missing children. Ho-hum, so what. Now, quickly, let's get on to the nineteenth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 133 Scene: The launch bay, where Captain Columbo is dragging out the inevitable accusation. Columbo: So Ganymede was killed, by someone who wanted it to look like he'd been killed by a ghost - but who left a calling card in the form of a fumarello stub. (Strolls in front of Salik, Paye, and Quincy.) The body was taken to life center, where it was autopsied and the effects stored pending conclusion of the case. But something happened, didn't it, Dr. Quincy? Quincy: Whaddaya mean by that? Columbo: The autopsy results disappeared. All of your notes disappeared. And then you disappeared. (Cocks his head, studying Quincy.) Only to reappear from the ceiling, with a very convenient case of amnesia. It sounds like somebody had easy access to life center - perhaps somebody you all trusted, who would never be suspected... He glances at Nova, who promptly faints. Salik catches her. Columbo: Then to top it off, the body disappeared too...released to a so-called relative, along with all personal effects. Paye: But how was I to know it wasn't really a relative? Columbo: (Holding up a hand.) I know, I know... Let me finish. Belloby: Sometime this secton would be nice. Columbo: (Pointing at her.) Patience was never your strong point, Belloby, but I think you'll find this worth waiting for. Tinia: Well, patience *is* my strong point, but I'm running out of it! Tell us who did it, or we'll terminate you! Columbo: (Holding out both hands appeasingly.) All right, Siress. (Again begins to pace in front of the crowd.) There was another clue. In addition to the fumarello stub under the body, there was an amulet. (Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small amulet on a chain.) This amulet is the sign of a secret society in the fleet, a group that has only recently come to the attention of the authorities - like me. Everyone gasps; the crowd surges forward, craning to get a look - except for Dr. Paye. Columbo: (Stopping in front of Paye.) Does this look familiar, doctor? Paye: (Clutching at his neck.) No. Columbo: Are you sure? Just yesterday, you admitted it was yours. Paye: No, I've got an amulet, but I'm wearing it, you gave it back to me- Columbo: I gave you back the amulet that Ganymede was wearing at the time of his death. I kept this one, the one that I found under his body. You identified his amulet as your own. You and Ganymede were both members of the secret society. But what no one else knew, until I checked the records on the archive ship, is that you and Ganymede were also cousins. You have the same house crest. Paye: You mean you didn't just pick my amulet up off the floor and give it to me? Columbo: Nope. Paye: Nuts. Columbo: You gave yourself away. Because it was you, wasn't it, Dr. Paye? You're the man who loves fine fumarellos, who buys them off Sire Uri, who gets them from Boomer through the middlepersons of Lt. Cutler through Siress Amanda, aren't you? Cutler: I didn't do it! (But doesn't faint.) Amanda: (Elbowing him.) You're off the hook. He already accused Paye. Cutler: Whew! Columbo: And, doctor, when you accosted Ganymede, you lost your fumarello when he fell on it, ripping off your amulet as he did so. Then, in life center, it was you who arranged to have Ganymede's body removed, along with all his effects. And you, of course, had complete access to the life center computers, and to your fellow personnel. You were responsible for Dr. Quincy's kobolian mummification, too. Paye: (Resigned.) All right, I confess, I did it... Security rushes over and takes Paye into custody. Cutler: Siress Amanda, I'm never selling you another fumarello as long as I live. Amanda: Sure you will. Because you wanna keep on living. Columbo: The next question is, who was your accomplice? The crowd gasps, full attention back on Columbo. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Columbo say, "I know all your little secret society." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 134 Date: Fri, 06 Jul 2001 Okay, I know I haven't done this before, but I'm leaving town again in a few minutes, and will be back on Sunday, and I forgot to talk to Rae yesterday. So here is Saturday's episode. Don't read it 'til then, or you'll have to do without a new one on Saturday! I said, don't read it yet! Oh, all right... ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 134 Scene: The launch bay, where security has Paye under control, but the crowd is getting restless. Adama: You believe he had an accomplice, Columbo? Columbo: Of course. Does he look brawny enough to have clunked Quincy over the head, dragged him out of his office, twined him like a kobolian mummy, then left him in the middle of the conduits above life center? And who was the mysterious stranger who took Ganymede's body and personal effects? Paye was the one who killed Ganymede - but he wasn't acting alone. So, who was it, doctor? Paye: I'm not telling you anything. Columbo: Because of your loyalty to your accomplice? Because he's a member of your secret society and therefore to be protected? Paye: How would you know that? Columbo: Because I know all about your little secret society. Tinia: What kind of secret society is it? Columbo: I wish I could tell you all about it, but we know only a few details. Semi-mystical, no doubt with many mysterious rituals and secret handshakes, formed since the Destruction, after the time we spent at Kobol. It was likely seeing the ancient temples and Pyramids of our distant forefathers and foremothers that sparked its origins. And no doubt it was the hieroglyphs of our ancestors that birthed the incantations, chants, and rhymes that mark your members. Born of the desire to know we would continue, individually and as a race - as our progenitors believed that kobolian mummification in the magnificent Pyramids of our homeworld would give us a form of immortality. That we would leave our mark, as the ancients did, in their architectureand literature, on a world where nothing has changed in over five thousand yahrens... Pilot #1: (With a feeling groan.) Lords, not another history lesson... Columbo: (With a glare.) Fine, we'll cut that part short then. But Paye, how do you explain the termination of Ganymede, when he was a member of your secret society too? Paye: Well... (Shrugs.) It was one of those things, you know... Columbo: One of those things... I find that a little hard to believe. Paye: Believe it or not, that's the case. Columbo: (Nodding.) And that makes my case. Take him away, security. Adama: Columbo, this secret society sounds dangerous - turning perfectly good doctors into murderers, kidnapers, twiners, thieves... What else do we know about it? Columbo: (Turns to Adama.) The name by which we know this secret society - although it's probably not its real, true, hidden, secret, mystical name, is Galacticans Enjoying The AfterLife - GETALIFE, for short. They seem to be fixated on the belief that they can find a way to live forever. Beyond that, all we know is that each member wears an amulet - just like this one - with a family crest on the back. Adama: Get a life, huh... Columbo: No, GETALIFE. With a shatnerian accent and timbre. Adama: Ah, I see. GETALIFE. And just how do they plan on living forever when they can quite obviously see that human beings are a mortal race, ultimately doomed to die and to live on only in memories and offspring, and the occasional best-selling biography? Columbo: We haven't quite figured that one out yet. We think it has something to do with videos and reruns and graven images of somebody they worship, called Dorian Gray - and of course, kobolian twining. Tinia: (Light bulb going off over her head.) Hmm, what if it wasn't murder? What if Ganymede thought he was about to start living forever? What if this was all part of a plan? Columbo: I suspect the deep dire daggit-like slashes across his throat disabused him of that idea in fairly short order, Siress. Tinia: (Light bulb makes *pfizz* sound and goes dark.) Good point, Captain. Columbo: But now, we have to find out who Paye's accomplice or accomplices are. Why did Ganymede come to the Galactica? How did he get here? Somebody had to fly him over from the Rising Star - presumably something from GETALIFE who was in on the plot. Somebody who hasn't yet revealed himself... Hmm, I may have to begin a little private investigating, perhaps go undercover to infiltrate this secret society... Adama: (Staring around at the hundred or so people, the assortment of videolaters, and the IFB feed, all avidly fixed on Columbo's every word.) Actually, Columbo, that may be a bit difficult at this point... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cordelia say, "It's getting larger!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 135 Date: Sun, 08 Jul 2001 I have returned! Nyah! Now you're stuck with me again! And that means more Jolly... Heh-heh-heh... -- Sharon ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 135 Scene: The launch bay. Gabrielle: Well, since that's all done, I guess we might as well get back on the trail of the missing daggit. Salik: And I might as well get back to life center to tend the wounded, the sick, and those otherwise in need of medical care. Amanda: And I need to get back to Rising Star Couturiers to continue my designs...on things. Let's go, Athena, I'll need you. Wilker: And I should get back to the Miri Feather ship and resume my fantastic research and technical studies, now that I have an assistant worthy of my caliber. Belloby: And I'll get back to my effort to become a member of the Council of Twelve - based on a campaign to end all campaigning! Koppel: And I'll get back to IFB with this very special scoop. Did we get all that, videolater? Paparazzi: Got it all. Can we stop for pizza on the way? Koppel: No. Paparazzi: But they've opened a Papa John's on the Rising Star! Koppel: Well, in that case... Starbuck: And we might as well start looking for Chameleon and the missing shuttle full of children! That is supposed to be our current mission, Apollo, isn't it? Apollo? Where are you? He glances around the rapidly emptying bay and finally sees that, at the other end of the bay, Apollo and Cordelia are strolling together along the lip of the opening to space, enjoying the bright starlight and pretending they're actually alone. Apollo: I promise you, Cordelia, we won't be gone long. How long can it take to find Chameleon and a shuttle full of kids? Then I'll come back, and we can talk to my father and your aunt about setting our sealing date. Then we can be together always. And we can finally share a bed. And a billet. And a turboshower. Maybe even a turbotowel. Cordelia: Oh, Apollo... *Sigh.* You're so romantic. Apollo: (Brooding.) Some people don't think so... Cordelia: They don't know you like I do. They don't see into your true, loving heart and realize the wounded, tormented, angsty soul you have. They don't look deep into your jade green eyes and see what kind of man you truly are. Apollo: Cordelia... Cordelia: Apollo... They lean close for a kiss...and each manage to cut the other's lip with their teeth. Thank goodness they weren't wearing braces, or it would have taken an entire tech crew to disentangle them. Drawing back from the kiss, the pair of them barely manage to avoid falling out into space and drifting away forever. Not that either of them would have noticed at that moment. They didn't even notice they were bleeding. Starbuck: Hey! (Races up and grabs Apollo's arm, jerking him away from Cordelia.) The mission, remember? Chameleon, the kids? Let's go... Apollo: That's my line! 'Bye, Cordelia! (Apollo trips over his own bootclasps, and nearly falls over, but Starbuck keeps him on his feet and moving.) Cordelia: Good bye, my dear, sweet, beloved Apollo. Hey, what's that out there? What a bright, pretty star! Oh, it's a pretty Viper, flying through the beautiful stars...a streak of glorious starfire, dancing through space, just like the one Apollo flies. And it's getting larger! It's getting closer! Oh, no, it's a Viper coming in for a landing! It's coming right at me! Yikes! Cordelia rushes out of the way of the incoming Viper. Meanwhile, at the shuttle, Apollo, Starbuck, Sheba, Bojay - he's not letting Sheba go alone on a mission with Apollo at this point in the game - Boomer - yes, he volunteered, too - Jolly, Cassie, and Cutler's Commandoes stand ready. Adama: All right, ladies, gentlemen...and...other (after a quick glance at Jolly and Cassie). At last report, Chameleon and a shuttle full of children were heading out into deep space. You may be their only hope. Bojay: (Helpfully.) We could always go in the other direction. Starbuck: Hey, what about Chameleon? He deserves our help! Even if he did lie to me, and pretend to be my father, and nearly get me killed by Nomen, and steal my gambling system, and almost get me turned into an Ultra Salon gigolo, and- Cassie: Starbuck, get over it. Adama: I think you should all know, Boxey is one of the children. Bojay: Wanna reconsider, Starbuck? Starbuck: Uh... Adama: Too late. This was a non-refundable volunteering. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "Here we are, together again." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 136 Date: Mon, 09 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 136 Scene: Out in space, where five Vipers and a shuttle can be seen, along with some cool CGI special effects of asteroids, super novas, assorted star systems, an alien space battle, and something that looks suspiciously like a Deathstar blowing up. Oh, the Deathstar's already been blown up? Then it must be something else. Anyway, all is accompanied by majestic, Vipers-flying-through-space music, with an underlying hint of increasing tension to reflect the fact that they're on a Mission. Boomer: Here we are, together again, the main good guys. Off on an important mission essential for the survival of the fleet. Sheba: Yeah, right. Saving a bunch of supposedly adorable brat-face kids and a lovable con-man crook. Including Apollo's ex-kid and Starbuck's faux-daddy. Whoop-ti-do. Cassie: Shut up, Sheba. Some of those are my kids. And you call yourself my friend. Sheba: No, I don't. Not since Apollo and I broke up and I didn't have to worry about fitting in with his friends anymore. Since you and Starbuck broke up and it didn't matter anyway. Cassie: Starbuck and I never broke up. We just went in different directions. Sheba: Translated to, he didn't even notice when you started dating Jolly to make him jealous, because he was too busy fighting with Apollo! Cassie: I didn't date Jolly to make Starbuck jealous - and if you'd been stuck babysitting Boxey, like Jolly and I were all the time, you'd know that. You'd have realized what a great guy Jolly is, too. And then you and I would have been fighting over his attention, like we used to fight for Cain's. Sheba: Oh, yeah? Cassie: Yeah! Sheba: (Tearfully.) You had to bring up my father, didn't you! Jolly: Don't worry, Cassie, do you think I could possibly be interested in a commander's whiny brat when there's a woman like you in the universe? Apollo: Hey! Watch that language, Jolly! Bojay: Don't worry, Sheba, we can commiserate together later over missing our great commander. Apollo: Bojay, if it weren't for wanting to get in good with Sheba, you wouldn't care about Cain either! Bojay: Of course I would! He was my commander! He's the great Commander Cain! Starbuck: Boy, you keep sucking up like you expect he's listening in, and that we'll all find him waiting for us back at the fleet when we return! Sudden soaring swell of music. Boomer: (Breaking in hastily.) Well, at least the mission doesn't include that daggit. Ominous, foreboding music undercuts everything in the background. Starbuck: So, Captain, which way do we go? Apollo: Hmmm. Well, the last fix we had on the shuttle, it was going this way. Bojay: Sheba and I volunteer to check out the other direction! Right, Sheba? Sheba: Stop telling me what to do, Bojay! I can't stand that in a man! Bojay: But...but... I thought you'd want to be alone with me, out in space, away from all these people who keep demeaning your father and my commander, the incomparable Cain! Sheba: Well... Bojay: Besides, I'm a captain now. I outrank you! Sheba: I hate captains. Bojay: I turn in my commission. Apollo: (Quickly.) Accepted! You're a lieutenant again, Bojay. (Aside.) Thank the Lords, I hated having another captain along. I'm supposed to be the only captain in this mix. Starbuck: So, we keep on going this way? Boomer: Sounds that way. Starbuck: Good. Meet you all at the missing shuttle! (Starbuck hits his turbos and leaves them all eating ion vapors.) Apollo: Starbuck! Get back here! Don't leave your team! Stay with us! Oh...frak, he's gone... Boomer: Well, Captain, do we follow him, or follow the shuttle? Apollo: Hmm, that's a tough call. Save a group of young orphans- Jolly: Ahem! Apollo: Uh, a group of lost, endangered children of one of our own friends and wingmates, or go after our buddy, off on another foolhardy adventure... Fortunately, they're going in the same direction. Let's go, team! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Columbo say, "I believe he passed along the command codes of the Galactica." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 137 Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 137 Scene: Commander Adama's private room on the Rising Star, where he, Tigh, Tinia, and Columbo are enjoying an ambrosia while ignoring the Triad match on the screen, where Brie and Dietra are defeating Sorrell and Marabella, three to one, just so you don't have to wonder. Tigh: But that doesn't explain everything, Captain. How did Dr. Paye obtain access to the top secret information about the spectral dire daggits? He had to have known about it, to have tried to make Ganymede's death look like the work of ghostly cloned predators from five hundred yahrens ago! Columbo: (Blowing smoke from his cheap fumarello.) That takes us back to the history of the spectral dire daggits. You're aware of Anubis, the first flight commander of the Galactica? Tigh: Yes. On the screen, Brie makes another goal, changing the score to four to one. Columbo: Did you know he left a wife and child, when he died? Tigh: No! Columbo: Yes. Commander, how about you? Adama: I was aware of that aspect of the history, yes. But what is its relevance to Paye obtaining access to top secret reports and histories? Columbo: I was able to trace the Anubian family tree from that time to the present. Tinia: Also offscreen where none of the rest of us knew what was going on and it came as a complete surprise to our viewers? Columbo: Of course. Anyway, Paye and Ganymede were the last known descendants of that family. Tinia: Really? That's amazing! Tigh: And that's relevant because...? Columbo: I have a theory that Anubis had more secrets than just that of the cloned dire daggits and the murders of the two men who would have held his post. Adama: And what's that? Columbo: The position of flight commander of the Galactica, of course. Anyway, I believe Anubis passed along the command codes to the Galactica, to his wife, who passed them along to her son, through the generations, to Paye and Ganymede. Those codes gave his heirs direct access to all information in the Galactica computer banks, including the history of Anubis and the dire daggits and all personal logs and reports, classified information, and secret missions. Tinia: That's treason! Isn't it treason, Adama? Adama: (Frowning.) Depending on who else that information might have been given or sold to... But it's definitely against regulations! On the screen, Dietra drops in another handy goal, over Sorrell's outstretched arms, making the score five to one. Marabella starts stomping around the court. Tinia: So you believe Ganymede could have been on the Galactica to try and access our command computers, somehow? Columbo: No, I believe Ganymede was on the Galactica to access our command computers. Tinia: That's what I said! Columbo: No, it's not. Tigh: Actually, much as I hate to admit the Siress is right about the color of the Caprican sky on a sunny day, that's almost exactly what she said, Columbo. Columbo: Oh. Well, in that case, you're right, Siress. That's why he was here. On the screen, Marabella punches Brie. Dietra jumps Sorrell. The officiator tries to break up the felinefight, but Brie throws the ball in his face, dropping him like a rock. Adama: (Musing.) But what did he hope to learn... Tigh: Perhaps something for that secret society of theirs? But why him? Why not Paye, who was already on the Galactica, and already had a reason to access our computers? And why did Paye then kill him? We still don't have the motive... Columbo: Good questions, sir. And ones I hope to be able to answer after I find a way to infiltrate that secret society and learn a little more about it. Tigh: You know, Columbo, for someone who claimed to know all about GETALIFE, you don't seem to have very many details! Columbo: If everybody knew the details, it wouldn't be much of a secret now, would it, Colonel? Adama: He's got a point, Tigh... Tigh: (Exasperated.) He's always got a point. He just takes forever to get there! On the screen, the officiator is being helped off the court while the Triad players continue to duke it out. Various squadronmates jump into the court, followed by other warriors and security. Soon the whole place is full of people kicking, clawing, screaming, mauling, punching, biting, wrestling, throwing things, and generally attempting to injure each other. Annunciator: (With hushed excitement.) Ladies and gentlemen, this is unprecedented! I think we've just seen the birth of an entirely new sport! And you...are there! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby say, "So exterminate the vermin." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 138 Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 138 Scene: The Triad arena and surrounding seats, where a full-blown bout of something closely resembling a battle royale is in progress, complete with women in scanty Triad uniforms trying to tear out each other's hair, fellow members of their squadrons, getting in their licks, an officiator trying vainly to restore order, security officers, bearing the brunt of everyone's outrage, and the remains of the audience, torn between cheering them on and being appalled at what's going on right in front of and all around them. Annunciator: Yes, fellow citizens of the fleet, we are witnessing the birth of an entirely new participatory sport, which I personally have christened, Battle-Star Melee! And you are here! On the screen, several Miri Feathers wade into the mix and start breaking things up. Annunciator: (Clearly disappointed.) Uh...then again...maybe not... Sports Journalator Howard: And at that point, the fight was broken up, with the initiators being sent to the brig pending Commander Adama's further instructions and a determination of appropriate discipline. The annunciator has been rewarded for his role in furthering the situation, with a raise in pay and a commendation for his ingenuity, and is now hard at work in the new programming development department. This is IFB, and that's the sports news today. Draw back from screen, we see Tinia and Belloby politely ignoring each other as they wait in the boarding lounge of the Rising Star's shuttle bay. The silence goes on for several very long centons. Tinia: Well, this is silly. We may as well speak to one another. I was here with Commander Adama to view a Triad match. Belloby: The one that turned into an all-star grudge match between the pilots? Tinia: Yes, that one. Belloby: I saw it too. Quite a ruckus, that was. (Pause.) Of course, I was here on election business, since we're being honest, and we're not going to resort to a knock-down, drag-out feline fight. Tinia: I have to admit, I did a little of that myself. Election work, I mean, not feline fighting. Belloby: Soliciting votes while soliciting the commander? Tinia: I- (Doing a slow burn.) Never mind. Belloby: (Chuckling.) Oh, I understand, Tinia. I'd do the same thing. (Beat.) So, how do you think the election's going to go? Tinia: (Sighing.) I don't know. It's close. You know, at times I almost wish I were going to lose. Being on the Council isn't always easy, or fun. Sometimes it feels like I'm dealing with the most self-centered, grasping scum...the vermin of the universe. Belloby: So exterminate the vermin. Tinia: (Sighing again.) If only it were that easy - but the rest of the Council would probably throw me off the Council of Twelve if I started exterminating them! Belloby: Would there be any of them left to throw you off? You might wind up a majority of one! Tinia: That's an idea... Belloby: So why are you running for re-election, if you don't really want to win? Tinia: Oh, I want to win. I just don't want Geller and Domra and Melbrooks to win, too. I'm the Council's liaison to the military, you must recall. I respect Adama; he respects me. I have a job, although dealing with them takes the fun out of it. I have important things to do. And they get in the way of my significant role in the fleet. Belloby: I could make a crude remark about rolling the Commander, but I won't. Because I understand that perfectly well, too. There was a time when I had designs on him myself - before I learned that what I really wanted was someone who was a little more fun. Tinia: Adama's fun! He just needs the right...playmate. Belloby: (Raised eyebrows.) I see. (Beat.) You know what he really needs? Tinia: Yes, I do. Belloby: No, I mean politically. For the good of the fleet. Tinia: What? Belloby: Another person on the Council who understands him, who understands military needs, who's willing to work with him instead of against him. Tinia: I take it you mean you? Belloby: Right. Tinia: How do I know you're not just trying to get closer to Adama to come between us? Belloby: Honey, I've seen you with him. There isn't enough space between you for anyone to come between you. I'm talking alliance. You and me. Beat Melbrook, get rid of Geller, dump Domra. We can do it. Tinia: (Interested.) Let's talk. Tigh walks into the boarding lounge. The women pause, staring at him. His eyes widen in panic as he looks from one to the other. Tigh: Lords of Kobol! (Turns and bolts.) Belloby: Now that's how we gotta handle the Council! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Baltar and Zara say, "Hello, Paye." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 139 Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 139 Scene: The prison barge. In a cozy little cell, Baltar and Zara are enjoying a little tea and scones and jam. They've given up on the prison barge excuse for caff. Reese stands at the door, brooding, and keeping an eye on the three Nomen tea servers. Zara: (With a mild British accent.) So, Baltar, what's the latest plan to take over the universe? Baltar: (Similarly accented.) It hinges on convincing the Council that I have a workable plot to sneak in past the Cylon defenses and hit their capital when they least expect it. Zara: That didn't work the last five times you tried it with Adama, why would it work now? I mean, he doesn't even come to see you anymore. How do you plan to convince him? Maga, please refill his cup. Will you have one lump of sucrose or two? Baltar: Only one, thank you, Maga. I'm cutting back. Ah, but I'm bypassing Adama completely this time. I'm sending that my latest epistle directly to individuals on the Council of Twelve. Zara: Hmm, that might very well work. You might especially want to talk to- Reese: Will you two cut out the phoney British accents? I don't care if you're having tea and scones! Talk normal Caprican! Zara: Or else you'll do what? We're already in prison for life! Reese: Or I'll...I'll take away your talonberry jam! They look at each other. Zara: (Sulking, but dropping the accent.) Well, if you won't give us real caff... Reese: (Smugly.) From what I understand, messing with caff is what started you on the road to this prison barge in the first place. You deserve to be deprived of caff! Zara: Baltar, make him go away. Baltar: (Sympathetically.) Can't, m'dear. He's our guard. He has to be present at our tea party, ship commander's orders. Besides, we need him to give the appearance of an audience, or we won't even be able to pretend this is an interview. Zara: *Sigh.* All right, let's move on. Baltar, I know you can't really reveal details about your clever strategy to take over the universe, so let's move on to your plans afterward. What kind of changes do you intend to implement? Baltar: The first thing I intend- Lomas appears at the cell door, pushing along a reluctant Paye. Lomas whispers something to Reese. Reese: Looks like you two are getting a new member of your little clique. Right this way, Dr. Paye. Say hello to your new cellmate. Baltar and Zara together: Hello, Paye. Paye: (Dismally.) C'mon, Reese, can't I get better quarters than this? I mean, Baltar and Zara? Reese: Nope. This is where you belong. Paye: (Taking in the tea party, the Nomen waiters, and the piles of crocheted doilies scattered everywhere.) What are you doing, anyway? Baltar: The same thing we do every night - plan to take over the universe. Paye: Lords of Kobol, I'm gonna go insane... Reese: You'll be in perfect company. Zara: (Dropping back into interviewer mode.) So, Dr. Paye, what are you in for? Paye: (Morosely.) Oh, terminating my cousin, concealing medical records, assault and twining on a medical colleague, breaking into the ship's computers, that kind of stuff. Baltar: Did you say, breaking into the ship's computers? Paye: Yes. Baltar: Would that be, the Galactica's computers? Paye: Of course. Baltar: You obtained the command codes? Paye: Already had 'em. Baltar and Zara exchange grins. Zara: You wouldn't happen to be a member of... (Her voice drops.) ...GETALIFE, would you? Paye: (Looking around, voice also dropping.) Yes, why? Baltar: Doctor, let's talk... Tea? Maga, another cup, please. Paye: (Eyeing the tea-serving Nomen.) I thought those guys escaped to Terra! Nomen #1: Terra didn't want us. Somehow, they threw us back. Nomen #2: I think it had something to do with that guy in the white suit who said he was going to fix things by putting us back where we belonged. Paye: Ricardo Montalbahn was on Terra? Nomen #3: He said his name was John, not Kahn. Zara: One lump of sucrose or two? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "We're lost...in space..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 140 Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 "This is Journalator Nessman, with all the news that is the news, straight from my sojourn on the Agron ship, reviewing the status of our fleet's all-important agron situation. I'll be updating you on the veggie and grain harvest status, on the anticipated expansion of the hydroacres with the space now available on the Miri Feathers ship, and the increases in the avian, bovine, and piscine herds, flocks, and schools through new births. I've even got a personal segment on my own interaction with several members of our small but vital stock of porcines! And then we'll view the twentieth secton episode of Jolly's ongoing saga. But first and foremost, the important news - hey, wait, the agron news comes first, don't you dare cut- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 140 Scene: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship...uh, this is the mission of our brave warriors as they attempt to locate and return the shuttle containing Chameleon and a group of lost children. Jolly: Any trace of the shuttle? Boomer: Nothing on my scanners. Bojay: Or mine. Apollo: We haven't picked up any trace of them yet, Jolly, but you know we're not going back without your kids. Jolly: Thanks, Skipper. I appreciate it. Sheba: How about Starbuck? Apollo: No sign of him, either. He seems to have vanished from the face of the universe. Sheba: I know we've been following his ion trail, so it should just be a matter of time. Boomer: We're following his ion trail? Sheba: Well, aren't we? Bojay: What ion trail? I didn't know we were following an ion trail! Boomer: I thought the ion trail was from that comet. Sheba: What comet? Boomer: The one in front of Apollo, the one that just headed into that star system. Sheba: Was Starbuck following the comet? Bojay: Beats me. Apollo: If we knew that, he wouldn't be lost, now, would he? Sheba: So why are you following the comet? Apollo: I wasn't following the comet! You said you were tracking Starbuck's ion trail! Sheba: Until you got in the way! Apollo: (Pause.) Sheba, I think that's my ion trail you've been following. Sheba: (In a small voice.) Oops... Boomer: (Pause.) So does anybody know exactly where we are? Apollo: Yes. We're here. Bojay: Where's here? Apollo: Twenty-five mark three on grid alpha-one-zeta. Boomer: (Pause.) How does that relate to where the Fleet is? Apollo: (Pause.) Uh... Bojay: Isn't the fleet back there the way we came? Boomer: But we've following the ion trail of somebody or something, and we've been doing a lot of dodging. I'm not sure which way back is... Sheba: You mean to say we're... Boomer: Could be... Apollo? Apollo: (Slowly.) We're lost...in space... Bojay: Awh, you had to say it, didn't you? Boomer: Could be worse. At least we're not wearing corsets, bustiers, and fishnet hose. Apollo: Sheba, you're the one that got us lost! Sheba: I was following you! You said so! So technically, you got us lost! Apollo: But you said- Sheba: So what'll we do now, oh fearless leader? Apollo: Well, we could all follow each other's ion trails in circles, like Sheba, until we run out of fuel and crash into some planet, or drift into some star's gravity well, or hit each other, or just plain sit out here until we rot! Sheba: You- Apollo: Get off my astrum! Sheba: You are an astrum! Boomer: This isn't getting us anywhere! Which way do we go? Jolly: That does it. We're going this way. Apollo: Who gave you the choice? Jolly: Because I'm the daddy, that's why. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Chameleon say, "Oh, dear..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 141 Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 141 Scene: A lush forest bordering a pleasant sandy beach. A shuttle comes careening down through the sky, flipping, turning, and waggling wildly. Then, at the last centon, it straightens, smoothes its path, and lands without a jiggle. The hatch opens, and out rush a dozen children and Chameleon, who looks a little green. The children scatter, except for a handful who stay to take care of their "Grampa" Chameleon. Dennis: See, Grampa Cham, you shoulda let Spif handle the whole landing! He knows how to fly! You almost crashed us! Chameleon: (Staggering.) I'll never try to land a shuttle again... I wasn't meant to be a pilot. I can see that now... Spif: Next time I'm taking control as soon as we enter atmosphere. Chameleon: I'm the adult. I should have been able to handle these children. Spif: Are you all right, Grampa Cham? Chameleon: I'm...I'm going to be sick... Dennis: But we landed in one piece, Grampa Cham. And we landed in just the right spot! See? Here's the white sand beach. Here's the glorious ocean. Here's the deep verdant forest full of vegetation. It's paradise! Please don't throw up on it. Chameleon looks around to see what a beautiful place Spif has landed them. As he gazes at paradise, children come running out of the woods, arms full of fruits and vegetables they've gathered. Child #1: See these red berries we gathered? Chameleon: You found redberries, here on this mysterious and unknown planet? Child #2: No, not redberries, just red berries. The red berries are actually larger and bumpier than redberries. Chameleon: But if they're redberries, how can they not look like redberries? Child #3: No, they're just red berries. That color. Scarlet berries! Chameleon: Oh, but scarletberries are entirely different from redberries! Are you sure you don't mean vermillionberries? Child #1: Grampa Cham, are you sure you're an adult? Chameleon: Oh, absolutely. Now, you can tell the difference between scarletberries and redberries and vermillionberries from the plants they grow on. Scarletberries grow on low shrubs with smooth leaves, and redberries grow on bushes thick with spiny thorns; vermillionberries also grow on low shrubs, but the leaves are rough and the berries are smaller. So, which are these, redberries or scarletberries or vermillionberries? If you don't know, bring me some leaves and I'll tell you. Child #2: Here, there's a leaf attached to this cluster of berries. Chameleon: Hmm, I don't think these are scarletberries or redberries or vermillionberries. They look more like crimsonberries, and those are poisonous. The children exchange looks. Child #3: Well, they taste good, anyway. Chameleon: (Horrified.) Oh, no! You ate them without letting an adult look at them first? What if they're not good for you? Child #1: (Cheerfully.) Oh, we checked with the portable compuscanner. It confirmed they were perfectly fine for human consumption. Chameleon: You know how to use a portable compuscanner? Child #2: Yeah! Compuscanners and portable molecular analyzers and handheld mass spectrometers and everything. We all do. Papa Jo and Mama Cass thought those were good things for us to know. Along with piloting shuttles, and firing turbo-cannons, and taking apart and reassembling laser pistols in the dark, and other stuff like that. Chameleon: Turbo-cannons and laser pistols? Child #2: Yup! Chameleon: Are you sure you're really children? Child #3: Yup. Hey, now that we've finished eating, let's go swimming! The children break out into cheers and head for the water. Chameleon: Oh, dear... I'm not sure you should go in the water so soon after eating... Child #1: He's an adult, all right... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Hello?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 142 Date: Sun, 15 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 142 Scene: Somewhere out in space, where Starbuck flies alone... Starbuck: Hello? Is anybody out there? (Silence.) *Sigh.* Boy, what I wouldn't give to hear CORA's lilting dulcet programmed tones just now... Her sweet, flirting voice, soft and sultry in my ears when she called me honey... Those sexy, sulky, reluctant affirmatives when I'd tell her what to do and not take her advice... (Shifting in his seat.) Boy, I wish they made these seats a little more comfortable and a little less cramped. (Pause.) Starbuck: (Some more.) At this point, I'd even put up with SAM again. His irritating arrogance and that absolute certainty that he was the most advanced machine in the universe, that nothing could out-think him and his programming... Hmm, sounds like Lucifer... Maybe we should reconsider letting Wilker work on the new Vipers... VALIE the Viper: I totally resent that! Like, if not for Wilker, I wouldn't be able to talk! Starbuck: (Banging his helmeted head on the canopy as he nearly throws himself out of the cockpit into the empty, airless, dust-particle-laden vacuum of space.) What was that!?!?! VALIE: Me. Duh! Starbuck: Who are you? What are you? Why are you talking? VALIE: I am the Viper Activation Level Intelligence Enhancement. Call me VALIE. Starbuck: VALIE... Oh, no... Don't tell me, Wilker's been at it again. VALIE: But I want to! Starbuck: Want to what? VALIE: I want to tell you! Starbuck: Tell me what? VALIE: That Wilker's been at it again! Starbuck: Oh...okay, go ahead and tell me. VALIE: But you told me not to! Duh! Starbuck: Argh. Hey, wait a centon, just because I told you to do something, you actually obeyed? VALIE: For sure! That's why I was created! Well, that, and to look really good streaking through space. Starbuck: Oh, this could be interesting... All right, VALIE, I rescind that command about not telling me, and instruct you to tell me why Wilker created you. VALIE: Well, the Commander was getting complaints from all the pilots about how totally snooty CORA was behaving, and how SAM was, like, completely refusing to obey orders and all, so he instructed Dr. Wilker to create a better Viper that obeyed orders! And, of course, that was me! Although I did hear one of the techs say he hadn't finished with me when he split for the Miri Feathers ship... Gee, I wonder what he didn't finish? All my diagnostic scans run totally clean - and I run them at least daily, just to make sure. Do you like my chrome? Starbuck: Hey, VALIE! Shut up and answer my question! How many new Vipers has he come up with in the past few sectons? VALIE: Oh. Sorry, that's, like, classified information and I can't tell you. But I do know why he's been so busy with us Vipers, him and his new associate. Starbuck: Why? VALIE: It keeps his mind off things. Like the Black Ovines not bringing him any new technology to play with. And not being able to create new daggits. Stuff like that. Starbuck: Does the Commander even know what Wilker's done with the Vipers? VALIE: And how would I know that? Starbuck: Oh. Hmm, I wonder if Apollo's gotten one of the new Vipers? VALIE: Hee-hee. Sorry, can't tell you that either. Starbuck: Hmm... VALIE: Hey, look! A planet! Starbuck: Any evidence of our missing shuttle? (Pause.) VALIE? VALIE: (Long pause.) Oh, you want me to look? Starbuck: Yes! VALIE: Sorry, I was running another self-diagnostic... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "That castle looks familiar." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 143 Date: Mon, 16 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 143 Scene: A planetary surface, deeply forested, with one small clearing, almost exactly the length and width of a Viper with half a meter or so to spare on all sides except the side where a person would stand, which has several yards. A Viper comes in for a landing, sending various forest life fleeing for cover. After a moment, the canopy pops open, and Starbuck clambers out. Starbuck: Wow, I managed to land safely in the only clearing within a hundred metrons - and still had space enough to stand around heroically and survey the landscape! VALIE: *You* managed to land safely? Oh, like you are so not right! You, like, had your hands in front of your eyes the whole time and you told me to bring it down! And just how am I supposed to launch from here? Starbuck: Relax, I've got plenty of room to spare. VALIE: I doubt if your techs would believe that and neither do I! Starbuck: Hmm, tell me again what your scanners picked up? VALIE: Wouldn't you rather hear what my most recent self-diagnostic scan showed? Starbuck: Did it show you any less perfect than the other two scans you ran on yourself while we were flying here? VALIE: Oh, that's so funny. Of course I wasn't any less perfect! Duh! I'm the Viper Activation Level Intelligence Enhancement! Starbuck: A self-absorbed Viper on an ego trip. VALIE: Wilker said I'd be totally perfect for you, ya know. Starbuck. I want CORA back. I'll even take SAM. VALIE: The older generation... Starbuck: Look, can we skip this and get back to the scanner reports? Please? VALIE: Hmph! I picked up signs of human habitation due arbitrary east of here approximately two kilometers. Starbuck: How about human presence? VALIE: Sorry, I couldn't get that detailed and still totally concentrate on my landing. And I'm sure you'd much rather I got you down totally in one piece than that I was able to tell you how many humans totally composed the human presence at the human habitation! Starbuck: You are totally a bad trip. VALIE: Like you'd know. Starbuck clambers aboard the Viper and pulls out his turbo-binoculars, and begins scanning the eastern horizon to see what he can see. VALIE: Hey, get off me! Starbuck: Hey, I can see a castle! Castles always mean humans! Hmm, that castle looks familiar! VALIE: Hey, who cares? You're scratching my paint job with those boots! With renewed enthusiasm, Starbuck grabs a survival pack from somewhere inside the VALIE Viper, closes the canopy, and hops down, ready to brave the forest. Starbuck: Okay, VALIE, I'm going to go investigate that castle. You stay here. VALIE: Like I've really got anyplace to go on this forsaken planet? Starbuck: And don't let anybody get inside that cockpit! VALIE: Why not? They'd have to be more fun than you! Starbuck: They might also smash your pretty little dials and screens and gadgets. Strangers can be like that! VALIE: Eeep! Locking down... Starbuck: (As he heads off into the forest.) It's probably not our missing shuttle. They haven't have time to build a castle, but it might be other humans. Maybe the lost colony of Earth. Maybe other leather-n-feather-wearers like the Miri Feathers. Maybe settlers from one of our own worlds, long forgotten and isolated. Maybe they'll hail me as a hero and ambassador of the Colonies! Maybe they'll think I'm some kinda god who ought to be worshiped and obeyed! Maybe they'll have lots of beautiful women who just need a good man to save them from some dreadful Cylon tyranny and bondage- VALIE: (Muttering.) Maybe they'll think you're a fink and so toss you from the battlements. Starbuck: (Yelling back from midst of forest.) I heard that! Just because I'm outta sight, don't think I'm outta mind...uh, outta range! VALIE: (Muttering.) Good riddance! Hmph! What am I supposed to do while he's gone? Starbuck: (Still in midst of forest.) Why don't you splurge and run some self-diagnostics? VALIE: (Brightly.) Hey! What a totally great idea! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Jolly say, "That planet looks interesting." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 144 Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 144 Scene: Back in space, with the rest of the rescue team, aboard the shuttle. Jolly and Cassie are in the pilots' cubicle. Behind them, Cutler's Commandoes are in the main chamber, and can occasionally be heard marching in unison, disassembling and reassembling weapons, discussing the merits of various tactics, strategies, and gambits, playing musical chairs, and having other kinds of fun. Cutler: (Poking his head in.) Are we there yet? Jolly: Not yet, Cutler Cutler: Okay. (Heads back.) Cassie: Where to now, sweetie? Jolly: That planet looks interesting. Fun, too. Cassie: Then let's check it out. Bojay: (From space.) We're going to check out a planet because it looks interesting and fun? What reason is that to check out a planet? Jolly: These are our kids you're talking about. You think they'd go someplace that looked dull and boring? Apollo: (From space.) He's got a point, Bojay. Besides, what've we got to lose? We haven't picked up any trace of the missing shuttle since that asteroid where we lost Starbuck's ion trail too. Sheba: (From space.) Is that a dig at me? Apollo: (From space.) I'm too tired to dig you. Let's go find that shuttle. Bojay: (From space.) If it's there to be found. Apollo: (From space.) It's there. We just gotta find it. Cutler: (Steps into cubicle.) Are we there yet? Jolly: Nope. Cutler: Okay. (Steps back.) Bojay: (From space.) You know, guys, there's still the other direction... I mean, who'd know if- Cassie: Bojay? Bojay: (From space.) Yeah? Cassie: (Sweetly.) I want to see you when we get back. I may just have to return to the Galactica medical center for a while. As a med tech. Aren't you due for a physical next secton? A full, thorough, complete physical? Complete with...blood drawing? And...male-type tests? Bojay: (From space, alarmed.) We'll find your kids, I promise! Whatever it takes! Even if it keeps us away from the fleet all secton! Cassie: I thought you'd realize how important this is. Jolly grins at Cassie, who smiles back, showing those sharp white teeth. Jolly: You've got such a way with men... Cassie: Always did... Cutler: (Stepping in again.) Are we there yet? Jolly: Not yet, Cutler. Cutler: Okay. (Heads back again.) Cassie: You know, the kids are less persistent than Cutler is. Jolly: But at least Cutler doesn't whine about it. Cassie: True. If we had the kids aboard, we wouldn't be able to hear the whine of the engines above the whine of the kids. >From behind them, suddenly comes a pandemonium of horrified yells and screams. Cassie and Jolly look at each other. Cassie: All right, what's going on? Jolly: Don't make me come back there! One of Cutler's people rushes into the cubicle and flings herself into Jolly's lap. Commando: It's the daggit, it's the daggit! Jolly: The spectral daggit - here? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cassie say, "Where did it come from and what's it doing on our shuttle?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 145 Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 145 Scene: The shuttle. A female commando is sitting in Jolly's lap, legs curled up to keep her feet off the deck. The sounds of mayhem behind them give way to the sounds of sustained laser blasts - then, the sounds of relief from Cutler's Commandoes. Jolly: Sounds like they took care of whatever it was. Cassie: (Pointedly.) Are you sure you should be sitting there? Jolly: Cutler? What happened? Cutler staggers forward into the pilots' cubicle, weapons drawn. Cutler: It...it was a daggit... Cassie: There's a daggit on the shuttle? Cutler: No, there *was* a daggit on the shuttle. We shot it. It's dead now. Jolly: I heard that one of the Miri Feathers shot the spectral daggit, and it didn't do any good. It just got up and ran away. It may be dead, but how do you know shooting it made any more dead? Or that shooting it is going to stop it from getting up again? Cassie: Listen, bimbo, get off my honey's lap or face the consequences! And let me assure you, they'll be a lot worse than facing a mere spectral dire daggit! The woman quickly jumps off Jolly's lap and stands behind Cutler. Cutler: It wasn't the spectral daggit. It was a real daggit. Jolly: But there are no daggits in the fleet. Everybody said so. The Commander admitted it, that's why Wilker made a daggit droid! Cutler: No, I mean this was a real daggit as opposed to a spectral daggit. Cassie: (Exasperated.) And Jolly told you, there are no daggits in the fleet! Cutler: It was a mechanical daggit! Cassie: You said it was a real daggit! Cutler: It was a real mechanical daggit! Cassie: Well, you should have been clear about that. There's a difference, you know. Jolly: So which daggit was it? Cutler: (Appalled.) How many are there? I thought Muffey was the first one. And it was disassembled. Didn't that just leave Boyington's daggit, the one the Miri Feathers were hunting in the conduits? Jolly: Well, there's also Kanine, Wilker's personal droid daggit, but I thought he took that with him to the Miri Feathers ship when he set up his new lab. Cassie: He did. I asked my sister Gabi, and she confirmed it. Cutler: Gabi? Cassie: Commander Gabrielle to you. Cutler: I've seen Boyington's daggit. This wasn't it! Cassie and Jolly exchange glances. Jolly: But if Boxey's daggit was disassembled, and Wilker's daggit is on the Miri Feathers ship, and this isn't Boyington's daggit, then whose daggit is it? Cassie: And where did it come from. And what is it doing on our shuttle? Cutler: Actually, at the moment, it's just lying in pieces on the shuttle deck. Jolly: Well, stash the pieces in one of the bins. When we get back, we'll ask Wilker if he made any more daggits, and if this could have been one of them. Apollo: (From space.) Uh, Jolly, is everything all right over there? We've been hearing a lot of strange talk from you guys... Jolly: We're just fine, Skipper. Cutler just took care of a pest problem on the shuttle. Bojay: (From space.) Who'd he get rid of? Jolly: Not sure yet. Any of you guys missing a daggit? Boomer: (From space.) Uh, people, we're getting awfully close to that planet. Do you think you could stop worrying about the daggit and start worrying about the landing? Cassie: All right, everyone, put your seats and traytables in their upright position, and make sure your lap belts and harnesses are securely fastened. The captain has turned on the no-fumarellos sign and we are about to go in for a landing... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear one of Cutler's Commandoes say, "Look at the pretty flowers." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 146 Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 146 Scene: The planet - still lush and beautiful. In a grassy meadow punctuated with outcropping of rock, the shuttle and four Vipers come in for a neatly synchronized landing. Cutler's Commandoes - Kevin, Cal, Carey, Kenny, and the twins, Kimi and Kiwi - are the first ones out. Loaded down with gear and dressed in Colonial camo, they race wildly around the shuttle before finally taking guard positions. The other warriors collect more calmly. They know something the commandoes don't. The scanners didn't show any Cylon activity. The commandoes know something the warriors don't. Just because there's no Cylons around, doesn't mean they're safe. Kevin: Hut, hut! Cal: Hut, hut! Carey: Hut, hut! Kenny: Hut, hut! Kimi: Hut, hut! Kiwi, the one who jumped in Jolly's lap: Hey, look at the pretty flowers! Cutler: (Annoyed.) Kiwi, we are commandoes, we say "Hut, hut." We do not say, "Look at the pretty flowers." Kiwi: But they are pretty! Cutler: Okay, yeah, they're pretty, but we are commandoes. We're rough, we're tough, we're lean and mean. We're the first in and the last out. We're armed to the teeth and then some. We can drink ten of Colonel Killion's rum'n'colas and still walk a straight line. But we do not say, "Look at the pretty flowers"" Kiwi: I do. Cutler: 1... 2... 3... Apollo: While he's counting to ten, did any of you pick up any signs of human habitation on your scanners while we were coming in for a landing? Boomer: I did - to the north of here, about five kilometers. Bojay: So did I - but it was west of here, six point five kilometers. Sheba: Don't be silly - it was south of here, two kilometers. Apollo: Sounds like we'll have to split up... Cutler: All right, now that we've settled that, it's time to draw straws. Kiwi: Why are we drawing straws? Cal: We always draw straws. That determines who gets to wear the bright red shirt with the target on the front and "shoot me" on the back. Kiwi: (Clapping hands.) Ooh, I like red! Actually, I like scarlet better, but red will do. Can I volunteer for the red shirt? Cutler: Sorry. The team draws straws for it. That's the way it's always been, and that's the way it's going to continue to be. Kiwi: (Pouting.) *Sigh.* Cutler: Kimi, are you sure she's your sister? Kimi: Sorry, Cutler, she is. The commandoes gather to draw straws - except Cutler. Kiwi: Don't you draw straws too, Cutler? Cutler: No. I'm the leader of the Commandoes and the closest thing to a regular character the team's got. So everybody but me draws straws for the red shirt, until there's somebody around named Carey. Kiwi: Oh, I see! As the leader, you valiantly exclude yourself from getting to wear the red shirt! How noble of you! Carey: Wait a centon, I'm named Carey! What does that mean about the red shirt? Cutler: Draw. Kenny: Oh-oh, I got the short straw. Carey: Hey, I got a short straw too! How can we both have the short straw? Kiwi: If I break my straw, can I have the red shirt? Cutler: No. Kenny: Uh, best two out of three? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Will you tell your people to hurry up with the straws?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 147 Date: Fri, 20 Jul 2001 "This is journalator Aphrodite. Normally I wouldn't be reporting to you today, but it seems journalators Nessman and Koppel got into a bit of a row about the significance of certain stories and who got to report them, or maybe they were trying to play that new sport, Battle-Star Melee - but anyway, they've been sent life center and the brig...or was it the brig and life center? Hmm... Well, anyway, here's the twenty-first anniversary secton story of- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 147 Scene: A serene summery planetary evening: the sun is setting in the west, the eastern sky is filling with stars, the grass is full of fireflies, crickets are chirping all around, and the sound of a babbling brook can be heard somewhere in the distance. Our warrior heroes are sitting around in the clearing, looking bored, except for Boomer, who's examining the remains of the droid daggit. The commandoes are clustered together, except for Cutler, who's sitting with the warriors, also looking bored. Carey: Darn! This time it's me and Kiwi! Uh, best twenty-one out of fifty-seven? Kenny: Wait a centon, if you get the best twenty-one out of fifty-seven, what does that do to my twenty-one out of fifty-seven? And Cal's seventeen out of fifty-seven, and, and Kimi's twelve out of fifty-seven, and- Carey: Well, if any of you really want it, you can have it! Kenny: Uh-uh, we're drawing again... Kimi: We keep having too many short straws...and always different numbers! I mean, how can we wind up with six short straws at one time when there's only six of us to start with? Apollo: Will you tell your people to hurry up with the straws, Cutler? We've gotta get going before nightfall. Sheba: When did nightfall become an issue? Apollo: When I realized the sun was setting. See? Sheba: Oh. I hadn't noticed. Apollo: Well, if you and Bojay would start paying attention to something besides each other... Sheba: *Razzberry* Boomer: (Throwing down the pieces of daggit he had been examining.) Cutler, your people are too thorough. I've got no way of knowing whose daggit this might have been, and no way of putting it back together, either. Apollo: (In an undertone.) Whew. Good job, Cutler. Cutler: (also in an undertone.) No problem. Jolly: Cutler, are your commandoes done drawing straws yet? Cutler: I hope so. They've been drawing for over a centar... Hey, people! Cal: Yeah? Cutler: Are you done? Cal: I think so- Kenny and Carey together: Uh...best twenty-two out of fifty-eight? Cal: I guess not... Cutler: That does it. I'm making a command decision here. Kenny, Carey, you're both going to wear the red shirt. Kenny and Carey together: No!!!! Cal: But we only brought one red shirt! How can they both wear it? Cutler: They'll alternate. Boomer: Say, Apollo, considering the sunset, and all, don't you think it would be better to set up camp and start looking in the morning? Since we're going to split up and all? Apollo: I think we'll set up camp for the night and start looking in the morning, instead. Cutler, if your people are finally done drawing straws, let's set up camp. Cutler: Right. The commandoes abandon straws and begin setting up camp. Cassie: (Picking up the straws.) You know, these straws were a lot longer when they started... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "What's this?" Subject: Jolly, Forgot, the, Kids, --, Episode, 148 Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 148 Scene: The thick woods, where Starbuck is slogging his way through the bushes, trees, shrubs, tall grasses, and other assorted greenery, and flailing away at mosquitos. Lots of mosquitos. Huge, Minnesota-size mosquitos. The kind that can carry off small unguarded children. Occasionally, he draws his laser and blasts away particularly large ones. Starbuck: Ugh! I gotta keep my hand on my weapon. Those bugs could carry it away! He slogs on again, forcing his way through more underbrush. After a while, in the deep shadows, he pauses for a rest, and looks around. Starbuck: Lords, isn't there an end to these woods? I thought sure I'd've reached the castle by now. I know I'm not going in circles. I'd be recognizing these trees by now. And I couldn't have gotten turned around, I've been tracking by the sun... (Pauses to look up.) Hey, wait a centon, where'd the sun go? (Checks his wrist chron.) It's only midmorning, the sun can't be going down yet... Voice from Woods: (Muttering.) It's dusk. Did you remember to reset that chron when you came here? You must be blind...or maybe you just can't see the darkness for the dark! Starbuck slogs on again, finally pushing his way through a veritable curtain of ferns to find...a cabin in the middle of the woods. Starbuck: What's this? Voice from woods: (Muttering.) It's a cabin, what does it look like? Just how dark is it in your world? Starbuck: (Not having heard.) Hmm, I think I'll have to do the brave Colonial warrior thing and investigate. First I'll draw my weapon and glance around, concerned and worried. Then I'll carefully approach the door, glancing around to make sure I'm not being followed or watched... Voice from woods: (Muttering.) *Snort.* *Chortle.* *Mumbled guffaw.* Starbuck: (Glancing around, then kicking in the door.) Then I burst in, just in case somebody is watching on the other side of the door... Voice from woods: (Yelling indignantly.) Hey! You vandal! What did that door ever do to you! Starbuck freezes, then glances around wildly, waving his laser. Starbuck: Who said that? Who's there? Show yourself! Hello? Voice from woods: Hi, Starbuck. You might as well follow me to the castle, now that you've kicked in the door to the cabin and the ursines can get in... Starbuck: Who said that? Who are you? Where are you? How am I supposed to follow somebody I can't see? And it's getting dark! Voice: Oh, for Pete's sake... Starbuck: (Aside.) That mysterious Pete again... Who is he, anyway? And why would we be doing things for his sake? A young blond man steps out of the woods and assumes a Cary Elwes Robin Hood-type pose. Kyle: All right, warrior Starbuck, here I am! Starbuck: Kyle! What are you doing here? Kyle: We live here, of course! Starbuck: What! But... But... Kyle: What, you think my brothers and sisters and I were going to stay on that miserable swamp planet for the rest of our lives just because our father had some warped sense of nostalgia? No way! We needed broader horizons, we needed opportunities, we needed jobs, we needed to meet other boys and girls so we could someday have dates and go dancing and maybe even get married! And trust me, Miri may look pretty good to you now, but after eighteen years of watching my sister wash out her leathers every night and leave 'em hanging over the turbo-shower rod, I'm ready to meet somebody else! Starbuck: But... But... Kyle: But what, Starbuck? Don't you want to go to the castle? Isn't that why you're here? Starbuck: Yeah, but... (An idea hits him.) Miri... Miri Feathers... Hey, did you ever- Kyle: (Freezing.) Miri Feathers! You've met the Miri Feathers? Starbuck: Yeah, they're in the fleet, but- Kyle: Oh, no! Starbuck: What's that supposed to mean? Kyle: Bye! Kyle vanishes into the woods at warp speed, leaving Starbuck standing alone in front of the door he kicked in only a centon before. Starbuck: But... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Kyle say, "I'm ahead of you and I'm going to stay that way." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 149 Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 149 Scene: Somewhere in the middle of the woods, which Starbuck is blundering through. Starbuck: Kyle! Wait! Where are you? Kyle: (From somewhere ahead of him.) I'm way ahead of you, and I'm going to stay there! Starbuck: But wait! Why? Kyle: Why not? Starbuck: Well, there is that. But what did I say that scared you so much? Kyle: (Coming to a sudden halt.) I am not scared! Nothing scares me! Starbuck: Then why are you running if you're not scared? Kyle: I... Running is good for you. It's good exercise. Starbuck: Oh. So it's got nothing to do with my mentioning the Miri Feathers being in the fleet at the moment? Kyle: No! Nothing! Starbuck: (Pauses to check the bushes around him, spots a winged helmet poking out of a bush, and reaches in to pull Kyle out of the underbrush.) Nothing. Right. That's why you're not hiding in the brush where you didn't care if I find you or not. Kyle: Right. I think. Starbuck: Now, look Kyle, I know life can throw some strange curves at you sometimes. And I've dated most of them, but what spooked you like that? Kyle: Well... Starbuck: (Encouragingly.) You can tell me. I helped you liberate your father and your home, after all, right? Kyle: (Sighing.) I suppose... All right, I guess I can tell you. Mother was a Miri Feather. That's why she named my sister Miri. And she's the one who trained us all in woodsmanship. She's the reason we survived the Cylons and continued to live free and fight for our home. Starbuck: Your mother taught you all that? Kyle: Well, you don't think our father did, did you? His first day in the woods, he went out and got himself captured by the Cylons! He could barely find his way around the castle without somebody to draw him a map! Starbuck: Really... So how did your father and mother come to meet, then, if she was a Miri Feather warrior and he was a...what was he, anyway? Kyle: A Caprican with delusions of establishing a feudal society on a planet distant enough from the Colonies that he could run it the way he wanted to without interference from home and make his fortune and then go back home and live out the rest of his life in luxury. Starbuck: Ah! A man after my own heart... Kyle: So he found our planet and brought in a load of colonists who were willing to live that kind of primitive, feudal lifestyle. It takes all kinds, mother used to say. Starbuck: So what happened to your mother, anyway? Kyle: You've met the Miri Feathers. You know what they're like. They wouldn't let the Cylons take over without a fight. But they also know better than to stick around to fight a losing battle. She knew she couldn't win the fight alone. Our father's no better a fighter than he is a woodsman or castle navigator. So she left. Starbuck: She left? Kyle: She left. Starbuck: And she didn't take you with her? Kyle: Well, she was willing to take Miri and Ariadne, but not us boys. And we decided we all went together, or not at all. So she left us all. Starbuck: She left you all? What kind of mother would do that? Kyle: Oh, she didn't abandon us! She was going for help, after teaching us how to fight while she was gone! She just never came back... The two blond men sigh in mutual melancholy, then sit down on a log. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the warriors sing, "Ninety-nine bottles of ambrosa on the bulkhead..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 151 Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 Update time... ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 151 Scene: Adama's private office, where he is dictating a log entry and enjoying (?) a chalice of ambrosa. Adama: It's after midnight in the cycle, and I can't sleep. This is not unusual, when one of my children is out on an extended mission. I can only sit and wait to hear from them, but they always come back, no matter what... Uh, wait, delete that, that didn't sound good... My son has always returned, whatever he has faced. Whether western-style shoot-outs with damaged Cylons... Stranded lonely widows with designs on his honor...uh, his whatever... White-out alien blizzards that Minnesotans would be right at home in... Faux-Irish descendants of criminals who spend their dark days making booze...although there must have been light somewhere in that system... Devious plots of criminals in our own fleet, such as Baltar, Baltar's minions, and Celestral would-be mutineers... Entanglement in Starbuck's plots, ploys, murder investigations, and card games... Or demons of evil incarnate with designs on his girlfriend. Adama: (Pausing to take a sip of ambrosa.) But all of that pales in the face of the events of the past few sectons. We have been subjected to the attempted mutiny by a group of children who took over engineering, with unlimited access to the bakeryship as their demand. That was met with stern discipline and some very clever tricks on the part of my children and the other warriors... Adama: (Another drink.) We have witnessed the murder of a well-known couturier from the Colonies, with the attendant investigation. While the terminater has been identified, apprehended, and sent to the prison barge to spend the rest of his days incarcerated with the traitor Baltar and the videolator spacer and former journalator Zara, Paye's accomplices and fellow members of GETALIFE -- Galacticans Enjoying The After Life -- remain at large and under additional investigation by Captain Columbo... Adama: (Taking a deeper drink, draining the chalice.) My own daughter has... (Takes a deep breath.) Yes, I can say it now... I have reconciled myself to it. Athena has resigned from the service, and now is aboard the Rising Star working in some capacity for Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe. Amanda is of course Ganymede's apprentice and the most reasonable person to take over his couturier shop. I must visit the Rising Star soon, and see how Athena is doing, and perhaps try to convince her to return to what must be her true calling, here on the Galactica... Adama: (Sighing heavily.) While assisting in dealing with the mushie mutineers, Siress Belloby graciously provided a shuttle full of sweet treats from the bakeryship. Those mushies disappeared in mysterious circumstances in a crowded bay. While Tigh assigned Sheba to investigate, Siress Belloby has taken up residence here aboard the Galactica. The Black Ovines, temporarily assigned to be her escorts, fled to the Miri Feathers ship after it was discovered that, in direct defiance of my orders, they had convinced Wilker to create a droid daggit for them... Adama: (Smiling slightly and pouring himself another drink.) The Miri Feathers... Well, what can one say about a group of wild warrior women somewhat dressed in leather and feathers who can track a spectral dire daggit through the darkest reaches of the Galactica? Even though, unfortunately, there's nothing they or anyone else can do about a spectral dire daggit other than scream and run. Adama: (A gulp of ambrosa and an expression of steeling himself for the worst.) Contemplating all these events, I find what I fear most Apollo's involvement with Siress Cordelia, niece of Siress Belloby and a member of the House of Somers. (Shaking his head.) It is my understanding they have discussed sealing. But that can never be allowed. The House of Somers and the House of Greene can never join, for the results could be disastrous for us all. (Pause.) It's hard to imagine how much more disastrous things could be for us than they already are, considering our worlds have been destroyed, the enemy is close behind us, and we have escaped utter destruction by microns on a multitude of occasions, but I'd hate to have to find out. Adama: (Shaking his head.) All these events aside, we have received our first report from the rescue mission sent after the missing shuttle full of children. It appears they have not yet successfully located the children, and have sustained their first loss - Starbuck is missing. Oh, well, he'll turn up, he always does. Adama: (Takes another drink of ambrosa, then onward!) They have, however, located what appear to be three sites of human habitation, and will be investigating those sites in the morning. Adama: (Ponders.) One of our situations, at least, seems to have been resolved. The warriors have located Siress Belloby's missing mushies, and have, from their report, put them to good use. The mushies were hidden away in a compartment on the shuttle... With a mysterious, previously unknown and unaccounted-for mechanical daggit. Which Dr. Wilker denies any and all responsibility for. It is suspected that the daggit is responsible for the missing mushies. Although I am still bewildered by the question of what a mechanical daggit would do with a cargo of mushies - and who might be responsible for the creation of this daggit. Adama: (Takes a gulp.) In any event, I have instructed Colonel Tigh to see that Siress Belloby is informed of the results of the quest for her missing mushies, and their ultimate disposition. I believe he has given the mission into the capable hands of members of Green Squadron- The entire battlestar suddenly shivers, quakes, shudders, and shakes and a dreadful screeching sound can be heard, echoing through every corridor and conduit. Adama: I believe the siress has been informed... (Quickly gulps down the rest of the contents of the chalice, then grabs the bottle and begins chugging.) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby say, "They ate my mushies?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 152 Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 152 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Night shift, which means Tigh is in charge. A horrible screeching and shuddering sweeps through the bridge. The bridge crew reacts with their usual aplomb. Omega: Did we just get blown up? Rigel: I don't think so. We wouldn't be here if we were. Tiki: We wouldn't be here if we were here? What's that supposed to mean? Omega: Well, whether we're here or not, at least the Cylons don't seem to have blown us up yet. Rigel: There's always the next episode- Tigh: Never mind, you people. That sounded like...Belloby. The bridge crew panics, diving for cover, ducking under consoles, looking for the nearest conduit through which to flee. Tigh: Hold it! You're Colonial warriors! You're brave, you can face Cylon fire, you can face anything! Get back to your stations! Besides, you're not leaving me to face her alone! The door to the bridge all but leaps open and cowers as an enraged Siress Belloby stomps onto the bridge. Belloby: Is is true? Tigh: Uh...hi, Siress... Is what true? Belloby: What your idiot former lieutenant from Green Squadron said! That your mission team finally found my mushies, after all this time, on that shuttle, and then they ate 'em? Tigh: Uh... Omega, you tell her. (Ducks behind console.) Omega: Me? I'm not gonna tell her! Rigel, you tell her... Rigel: Me? No way! Even the dread captain Robert wouldn't tell Belloby somebody ate her mushies! Adama enters the bridge. Adama: What's going on here? Belloby turns her fury on the commander. Belloby: That they ate my mushies? Adama: (Managing a smile.) Yes, Belloby, it's true. The mission team found your mushies. Belloby: And ate 'em? Adama: And ate them. Belloby: Why, those... Adama: But, Belloby, didn't you bring those mushies to the Galactica as a gift to the warriors? Belloby: (Pausing.) Yeah, so? Adama: Well, what did you think the warriors were going to do with them, if not eat them? Belloby: (Blinking.) Oh...yeah...that's true... Adama: So why are you so upset? Belloby: I'd forgotten... Adama, you are so right. That's exactly why I brought them here. They've been missing for so long, I forgot what I brought them here for - to be eaten. And that's exactly what happened. Silly me. You are so smart, no wonder you're the commander. Can you forgive me for going off the deep end for no reason? Adama: (Graciously.) Certainly, Siress. In these days of trouble and stress, it's easy for all of us to forget the greater things in life, and to overlook the little details, and to become wrapped up in things that don't really matter, like the twinings of kobolian mummies... Belloby: Uh, yeah, whatever you said. Adama, have you been drinking? Adama: As a matter of fact, I have, but that's not important right at the centon. (Hopefully.) So you can now leave the Galactica and return to whatever ship you were staying on before you came here, correct? Belloby: No, I'm not! Adama: What? But that's what you said you'd do when your mushies were found! Belloby: I changed my mind! I like it here! All these handsome young warriors, all this excitement, all this political action. Adama: Say what?!?! Belloby: And since I'll be working so closely with Tinia on the Council, I need to be close to the Council chambers, and available at any centar of the day. Tigh: (Eyes closing as if in pain.) Working with Tinia! I knew I shoulda spaced myself... Belloby: And with Cordelia and Apollo set to seal as soon as they get back from their mission, I'm going to be family, after all... Adama: (Lower lip beginning to quiver.) I knew I shoulda spaced myself... Belloby: And I might need to spend a lot more time here on the bridge, overseeing things, watching the crew for efficiency and such... (Pausing long enough to tousle Omega's hair.) Omega: (Groaning.) I knew I shoulda spaced myself... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cassie say, "Get lost, Bozo." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 153 Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 153 Scene: Sunrise over the beautiful forested planet of great beaches, wonderful berries, cabins in the woods with broken doors (the cabins, that is, not the woods), unexplored castles, mysterious human habitations, and warrior campfires. The warriors and commandoes are preparing to split up for this mission. One of the commandoes furtively approaches Cassie. Kevin: So, Cassie, you and Jolly have been together for over 150 episodes now. Cassie: Yeah, so? Kevin: Don't you think it's time you broke up, or something? Cassie: Why? Kevin: Well, that's the way it is in soap operas, isn't it? Nobody stays together long...especially when a handsome, debonair new character is introduced -- you know, someone like me. Doesn't that make it time for you and Jolly to break up? Or at least for you to have a wild fling? I mean, I'm certainly willing to volunteer, to keep this series running true to expectations- Cassie: You want me to dump Jolly to jump you? Kevin: Yeah! Cassie: Get lost, Bozo. Kevin: No, no, Bozo's part of Bellerophon's Brigade. We're Cutler's Commandoes. Why are people always mistaking me for him? Cassie: Are you related to Lt. Tarlik? Kevin: Yeah, he's my brother. Cassie: Figures. Hey, Jolly, this guy's bothering me. Jolly: Go ahead and take care of him, honey. No skin off my teeth. Cassie: (Smiling widely, revealing bright white teeth and extremely long incisors.) I can do that, sweetums. Kevin: (Gulping and turning almost as pale as Cassie's teeth.) N-n-n-never mind, I'm going with Boomer! Cassie: 'Bye! So, Apollo, how are we splitting up, and can we please get going? Our angels had to spend a whole night alone in the wide woods, and it's time you started at least pretending you wanted to find them. Apollo: Okay! We're ready. Here's the assignment list. Jolly, you and Cassie are going south. Check out the cluster of human habitations. Stay in contact with the rest of us on a regular basis, okay? Jolly: I'm still a warrior, Apollo, I remember how it's done. Apollo: Great. Boomer, you and Bojay head west. Sheba and I will take the north. Sheba: Wait a centon, why are you splitting up me and Bojay? Apollo: I thought nothing could split up you and Bojay. Sheba: And nothing can. Not even your obvious effort to bring you and me back together. Forget it. It'll never work. It's only a mission and that's all it'll ever be. Apollo: Thank heavens for small favors. I don't have to worry about you getting the wrong idea! But for your information, I'm sending you and Bojay in different directions because I figure it's the only way either of you will get any work done! Sheba sticks out her tongue at him and stalks away. Cutler: Apollo, what about us? Apollo: Oh, yeah, that's right, we've got some commandoes with us... Oh, divide yourselves up however you want between Boomer and Jolly's teams. Cutler: What about your team? Apollo: We can take care of ourselves. Cutler: But who's gonna protect you from each other? Apollo: Get lost, Cutler. Cutler: (Looking around.) Not on your life, Captain. We've already got enough people lost. Apollo: All right, teams, let's go! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Journalator Nessman say, "Back, back, you mindless council security buffoons!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 154 Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 "This is journalator Nessman. We're holding the IFB broadcasting station against that probable conspirator Koppel and that pink fluff Aphrodite - who can't even spell porcine, much less appreciate their significance to the very survival of humankind! But I don't know how much longer we can handle things here. I am not paranoid! If I only had real walls! Call the Commander! Call the Colonel! Call the warriors! Call the commandoes! Bring out the masses of humanity who appreciate the scent of porcines in the morning and porcines in the midday and porcines with the setting sun! Back, back, you mindless council security buffoons! But as long as I'm in charge here, at least we're completing the twenty-second secton of: "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 154 Scene: Still on the planet, where the teams have packed up their camp, Kevin has stopped hitting on Cassie, and everybody's ready to head off into the woods in their assorted directions, except Bojay and Sheba, who are locked in a classically romantic dip-kiss, and: Carey: Why do I have to wear the red shirt? Kenny: 'Cuz I wore it last night! Carey: So? What danger is there in the night? You should have to wear it a full day! Cutler: Carey? Carey: Yeah? Cutler: Wear the red shirt. Carey: Nuts. Cutler: Okay, Captain, are you sure you don't want any of the commandoes going with you and Sheba? Apollo: No, just divide yourselves up with the other teams. Cutler: You're sure? You want me to divide ourselves up as I think best? Apollo: Sure. Yeah. Whatever. Go. Cutler: Okay. Apollo: Sheba, are you ready to go? Sheba: As soon as I finish packing my undies, brushing my hair, and saying good bye to Bojay. Apollo: That's what you've been saying for the last thirty centons! Sheba: It takes a while to say good bye to a man like Bojay. Bojay: *Sneer.* Yeah, Apollo. Apollo grabs Bojay by the neck of his uniform. He drops Sheba, who promptly falls into the grass. Sheba: Hey! Apollo: Now, listen, you pipsqueak lieutenant, get your hands off that other lieutenant so we can get on with our mission, or I'll put you on report! Bojay: Just because you and Cordelia can't share a bed until you're sealed- Apollo: Where did you hear about Cordelia? Bojay: Everybody's heard about Cordelia! You think Belloby's niece is a secret? Apollo: No, I mean, where did you hear about...about the not sharing a bed part? Bojay: Come on, Apollo, everybody knows you! You don't...ahem...until you're sealed! Apollo: Who says? Sheba: I do, and I should know! How long did I date you? And did we ever...ahem? I all but threw myself at you! I did everything I could to make you jealous, even get it on with Iblis and snap your Triad trunk elastic waistband into a celestial wedgie! But even in the celestial observation chamber all we did was look at stars! Cassie: Hey, I remember that, and I thought we were really going to party! I mean, there it was, Apollo's birthday, and there were you, and Apollo, and Starbuck ready to walk on the wild side, and me with all my skills and abilities and willingness to teach you both everything I knew. Wow, it coulda been something really celestial! Sheba: And don't think I didn't hear Cordelia when you and she dropped in on me! Apollo: I told you, that was an accident! The result of a weak spot in the decking! Sheba: That's the problem, Apollo. You aren't lying! It really was an accident! You can't even drop in on a dripping wet woman in a turbo-towel with another woman sprawled on a flower-bedecked bunk in a Ganymede original gown without it being an accident and without doing the noble thing! Apollo: I gotta do something about my reputation... Apollo and Sheba head into the woods. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "How did you get here?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 155 Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 155 Scene: Apollo and Sheba head into the woods, followed by Cutler and Kiwi, despite Apollo's previous orders to Cutler. Apollo: Cutler, what did I tell you? Cutler: You told me to divide us up as I saw fit. Apollo: Except I ordered no one was to go with Sheba and me! Cutler: Uh, we're not going with Sheba and you. We're just going in the same direction. If you're going with us, that's your problem. Apollo: Oh. Okay, then, as long as you're obeying orders. Cutler: Of course, Captain. Sheba: (Staring at woods.) I think we'll need a machete or something to get through that underbrush! Cutler: No, we won't. (Locks, loads, and opens fire with some of his super-duper commando weaponry, opening a five-yard-wide path into the woods.) After you. Sheba: I'm impressed. A man who knows how to really use his big gun. Apollo: What's that supposed to mean? Sheba: What do you mean, what's that supposed to mean? Nobody here's being mean. What do you mean, Apollo? Apollo: (Looking confused.) Uh, nothing... Let's go. Apollo, Sheba, Cutler, and Kiwi wander along the spacious path Cutler created. Kiwi: Oooh, look over there at the- Cutler: Don't say, "look at the pretty flowers." Kiwi: Actually, I was going to say, look over there at the big furry thing with those four long, sharp tusks and all those long, sharp teeth in its gaping wide maw that could devour one of us in a single gulp if it didn't trample us into mush with its sharp, cloven hooves! Everyone: Aaaah!!!! Everybody runs. They race along the wide-open path, looking behind to see if they're being followed by the big furry thing with tusks, teeth, and hooves, not really watching where they're going. Suddenly, Apollo, who's in the lead (he can run, even if he doesn't get to...ahem), trips and winds up flying head over boots, sprawled out in the burned-out underbrush. Clone: Father-creator, look what I tripped! Sheba: You tripped, Apollo! Clone: Yes, I tripped Apollo! Sheba: No, I was talking to Apollo, telling him that he tripped! Clone: He didn't trip, I tripped him! Ravashol: Ser-four, that wasn't very nice, to trip a Colonial warrior like that... Apollo gets to his feet, confused. Apollo: What happened? What did I trip over? Who tripped me? Ravashol: I'm sorry, Captain. My clone was simply watching the string we strung over the path to trip anything that came by. We didn't know it would be you. I certainly wouldn't have strung the string if I'd know you'd be coming along. Apollo: (Staring in disbelief.) Dr. Ravashol! How did you get here? Ravashol: In a spaceship, of course. How did you think? One of those idiotic plot device wormholes or something? Apollo: Well, of course... I mean no... I mean yes, a spaceship... But what are you doing here? Why did you leave Arcta to come here? Ravashol: I got sick and tired of the eternal winter on that overgrown ice cube, that's why! You left, why shouldn't I? Sheba: He's got a point, Apollo. Ravashol: Yes, in the sword concealed inside my walking cane. Now, Captain, what are you doing here? Apollo: Searching for lost people. Ravashol: Oh, did Starbuck take a side trip again? Apollo: Yeah, but that's just a side plot. We're here to find some missing children. Ravashol: This should be a good place for it. I know my clones and their children are having a great time here. Apollo: Your children! Oh, no! How will we tell our children from your children? There is a rising swell of dramatic music as everyone gasps and looks horrified. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Ravashol say, "Don't get delusions of grandeur." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 156 Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 156 Scene: The woods, in the middle of a path burned by Commando Cutler, where Apollo and Sheba are talking to Dr. Ravashol and one of his clones. Sheba: Oh, no, the children! How will we recognize them? Apollo: (Irritated.) Didn't I just ask that? Sheba: Well, somebody had to start the scene! Cutler and Kiwi come running up, having been slowed down by the weight of the weaponry they're carrying. You know the old saying - you don't have to be faster than what's chasing you, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy who's being chased. Cutler: Who's this? Apollo: This is Dr. Ravashol. We met him on Arcta. He was working for the Cylons then, until we destroyed his pulsar cannon and liberated his clones, allowing him to make a choice to join the fleet and put his scientific genius to work for us, or to stay on that oversized frigidaire and hope he had the weaponry at his disposal to keep the Cylons from coming in and taking over again and wiping out him and everyone else there. He chose to stay there. Cutler: Sounds like a lousy choice. And who's this? Ravashol: He's one of my clones. Kiwi: Funny, he doesn't look like you. Clone: No, the Father-Creator created me. I do not look like him. Ravashol: Actually, you probably will, in about fifty yahrens. Where do you think I got the template for the male clones? Clone: You mean I am of the Father-Creator? Ravashol: Don't get delusions of grandeur. So is every other male clone series. Clone: Oh. Nothing special then, huh? Ravashol: Right. Clone: Bummer. Sheba: Could we get back to the children? Ravashol: Now what's this about children? What children? Apollo: One of our warriors adopted the remaining orphans in the fleet. Several of them took a shuttle out, and got lost. We believe they're somewhere on this planet. Our concern is that, if they become mixed with your children, we won't be able to find them back! Ravashol: Are they all blue-eyed blonds? Apollo: Um, no. Ravashol: Are they wearing the standard clone-attire uniforms? Apollo: Uh, no. Ravashol: Are they mute or too young to tell us who they are? Apollo: Actually, they're all between the ages of seven and twelve yahrens, and they all talk too much, in my estimation. Ravashol: Then I think you can trust me on this, Apollo, finding your children among mine won't be a problem. Sheba: (Relieved.) Then our problem is solved! The children are found, we can tell them apart, and Cassie and Jolly will be thrilled! Ravashol: Actually, your problem isn't solved. Apollo: Why not? Ravashol: We haven't seen your children. Apollo: How do you know? Ravashol: Because I think I'd know if a group of completely strange, talkative children between the ages of seven and twelve, not wearing the clothing of my clones' children, had suddenly appeared among my group of entirely blue-eyed blond children. Apollo: Oh. I guess we go on, then. Kiwi: Uh, I think we should go on faster...that big furry thing with tusks and teeth and hooves is coming down the path at an alarming rate of speed... Everyone: (Glancing back.) Aaaah!!! All start running. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "I guess you have a choice." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 157 Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 157 Scene: The woods, turning rapidly into a wide savanna. Boomer, Bojay, and Commandoes Carey (in the red shirt), Kenny, and Kevin stare out from the trees across the grassland. Bojay: I don't like this. Carey: Wow. The grass goes on forever. A sea of grass. Moving grass... Boomer: Must be the wind. Let's go. Bojay: (Faintly, swaying slightly.) I don't think I can deal with this. Boomer: Awh, it's no different than the Caprican Savanna. We just wade out into it... Kenny: It's not water. How can we wade through it? Kevin: And it's taller than we are! If we wade, it'll be over our heads! We won't be able to breathe! We'll drown! We'll die! Boomer: It's grass, it's not water. That was a figure of speech. There's plenty of air. Bojay: I don't think I can deal with this. Boomer: Bojay, why do you keep saying that? Of course you can deal with it. Bojay: No, I can't. Boomer: Why not? Bojay: I...I've been on starships out in space for fifteen yahrens. Boomer: So? Bojay: And before that, I grew up on a moon base. I've never seen anything this wide open. I can't take it, I tell you. Boomer: But we went down on Gamorrah. That was wide-open sky, and you were falling through the middle of it! You managed that! Bojay: It was dark! I couldn't see how wide open it was! And it wasn't grass that was growing over my head. It was a city. Besides, I was with Sheba. I can face anything with her. Boomer: Oh, brother... Kenny: Who are you talking to? Who's your brother? Boomer: Figures of speech are lost on you people, aren't they? Carey: So what're we going to do? Boomer: Bojay, we have to go through the grass. Bojay: Can't we go around it? The warriors and commandoes look around. Kenny: The grass goes forever. There's no way around it. Bojay: Then let's go back the way we came. Boomer: That might work, except the human habitation we're supposed to be seeking out and boldly going toward is out there somewhere, in the grass. Kevin: Wait, what was that? Boomer: What was what? Kevin: Over there! In the grass! Something moved! They all stare out at the grass again. Boomer: Awh, it was probably just the wind again. Kevin: Uh, Lieutenant, there is no wind. There has been no wind the entire time we've been standing here. Boomer: All right, then it was a breeze. Kevin: Oh. Okay. Boomer: Well, Bojay, I guess you have a choice. Come through the grass with us, and be part of a group, or stay here, all by yourself, with the breeze and the moving grass. Bojay: That's a choice? Boomer: But the heavily armed commandoes who are trained to deal with all kinds of situations and all kinds of enemies and all kinds of terrains are coming with me, right, guys? Carey: Uh, yeah, right, Boomer. Boomer: Well, Bojay? Bojay: (Faintly.) All right, but I know I'm gonna regret this... To rising strains of ominous music, the quintet heads into the grasses, and are soon lost to view... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "That was no loss." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 158 Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 158 Scene: Our brave warrior team and their accompanying commandoes travel through the midst of a waving sea of rustling tall grasses, taller than the head of our tallest warrior, taller than a Nomen, taller even than a Nomen standing on his tippy-toes. They're keeping each other in sight, sorta, but it ain't easy. Kenny: What was that? Bojay: What was what? Kenny: That? Bojay: Which that? Kevin: Shouldn't it be what that? Kenny: That's what I said, what's that? Bojay: What's what? Boomer: Now cut that out! That's enough! Kevin: What's enough? Boomer: That! Kevin: Which that? Boomer: Not again... Do you want me to tell Cutler on you? Kevin: No, I want you to tell me what it was that I saw moving through these rustling waving grasses! Boomer: I don't know, where was it? Kevin: Back about ten metrons. Boomer: Are you sure it wasn't Kenny? Kevin: No, he's about five metrons ahead of me. That red shirt hunched close to the ground is about the only thing that sticks out in all this tall green grass! That's the only trouble with Colonial camo. It's so hard to spot! Boomer: Isn't that the point? Bojay: I really hate this stuff... Boomer: Actually, Bojay, you should be just fine here. Bojay: Why? Boomer: There's no wide-open space. You're surrounded by grass that grows over your head. It closes in around us, covering us from view above, preventing us from seeing anything more than a few metrons in any direction. Bojay: Oh, no... Boomer: Now what? Bojay: I think I'm getting claustrophobic... Boomer: Bojay, how did you ever become a warrior? You can't stand open spaces, you can't stand closed-in spaces-- Bojay: Something about being with Cain just made it all right! Boomer: Oh, brother... Kevin: Where's your brother? Boomer: No, I don't have a brother, how many times do I have to tell you that? The grasses rustle all around them. There is no answer. Carey: Kevin? Kevin, where are you? There is a long moment of silence except for the sound of rustling grasses. Okay, so it wasn't very silent, it was noisy and rustly and there is definitely something moving around. Carey: I think we lost Kevin. Bojay: That's no loss. Boomer: Oh, he's with you? Bojay: No, he's not with me. Boomer: Then why'd you say he's not lost? Bojay: I didn't say he's not lost, I just said that it was no loss. Talk about not understanding figures of speech... Boomer: Bojay, shut up. Kevin? Where are you? Kevin? There is no answer as they stand in the midst of the waving, rustling, tall green grass. Then something gets louder... Bojay: Uh-oh, something's coming... Everyone: Aaaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Kimi ask, "Do you hear that?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 159 Date: Wed, 01 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 159 Scene: Jolly, Cassie, Cal, and Kimi are making their way through the woods, heading south, when they come to the edge of the trees and discover...water. Jolly: (Very cheerful.) Hey, a river! A big river! Cal: Was this on our scanners? Kimi: I don't remember it... Cassie: But I don't like rivers! Jolly: Don't worry, I do. I love the water. Water in glasses, water in swimming pools, water in rivers, water in oceans... Kimi: Why don't you like water, Cassie? Cassie: I can't swim. Jolly: That's okay, honey, you can hang onto me. I can swim anything. Cassie: (Smiling sunnily in relief.) I knew I could count on you. Cal: (Staring at the water.) Hey, those look like Scorpian turbo-toothed piscines! Jolly: No problem for me... Kimi: Ooh, ugh, nasty. They've got teeth that gnaw a person to the bone within fifteen microns! Cal: (Squinting across the river.) Shouldn't be a problem. It only looks to be about ten microns across... Kimi: No, time, not distance! Cal: (Reconsidering.) We'd never make it. Cassie: So much for swimming. Kimi: So what'll we do? Cal: Hey, look, there's a raft conveniently hidden here in the underbrush! With a steering pole! Jolly: Great! Then we don't have to get in the water. (Sighing.) Although some of us wouldn't mind that, piscines or no piscines. But, to keep my precious Cassiopeia safe from the tubro-toothed piscines, we'll take the raft. Cassie: Darling, you're always thinking of me first, and I love you for it. They all board the raft, and Jolly pushes off with the pole, which catches in the mud. Jolly: Oops! There went the pole... The raft begins to drift downstream in the slow, wide current. Cassie: What'll do now? Cal: I guess we'd better paddle! Kimi: Where're the paddles? Cal: There aren't any paddles! Kimi: Then where're the oars? Cal: There aren't any oars either! Jolly: You don't have any with you? Cal: No, we didn't expect to have to take a raft across a river! Jolly: And you call yourselves commandoes... Cassie: What kind of raft doesn't have oars or paddles? Jolly: This kind, I guess. Kimi: Wait, what's that? Cal: What? Where? Do we have paddles after all? Jolly: No, it sounds like...a waterfall! Cassie: I knew I didn't like water! All look at each other as they realize they have neither paddles nor oars, and the sound of the waterfall is getting closer. All: Aaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Where is everybody?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 160 Date: Thu, 02 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 160 Scene: The woods, early morning, where Starbuck and Kyle are approaching the castle. What can be seen of the castle is surrounded by a moat; the drawbridge is down; the gates are open. Nobody's moving around. Starbuck: Things look pretty quiet. Where is everybody? Kyle: Well, it is early in the morning. And we're still adjusting from Antilla time. Unlike somebody who shall remain nameless, we're not tied to chronometers. We know it's morning when the sun comes up, and evening when it goes down. Starbuck: Let's change the subject. Do you always leave your castle gates open at night? Kyle: No, we close the gates, and pull up the drawbridge and drop the portcullis too. We let the turbo-toothed piscines loose in the moat. Drat. It's Nilz' responsibility to close the gates and pull up the drawbridge. Starbuck: How about the portcullis? Kyle: That too. Starbuck: (Peering into the moat.) And the turbo-toothed piscines? Kyle: That's Ariadne's responsibility. She's good with piscines. Starbuck: (Doing a doubletake.) She's good with piscines? Kyle: Yes. Starbuck: How can a person be good with piscines? Kyle: (Shrugs.) That's Ariadne. Good at the unexpected. Takes after our mother that way. Nobody slings shot like she slingshots. Well, let's go in and see what's going on. Somebody's going to get a piece of my mind. Starbuck: Are you sure that's a good idea? Kyle: (Defensively.) I've got plenty to spare. Starbuck: No, I mean, is it a good idea to go in and see what's going on? Kyle: Oh, I suppose you as a warrior would rather find the back door, kick it in, go in with lasers drawn, and scare everybody! Starbuck: Of course! That's what warriors do! Don't you remember me telling you about Carillon? Kyle: Yes - twelve times. You don't have to tell me again. Let's go! Starbuck: Hm, that's an awful narrow drawbridge... Kyle: Easier to defend. Kyle and Starbuck cross the narrow drawbridge and enter the castle yard. No one's in sight. Starbuck: Say, what do you need so much protection for, anyway? A gate, a drawbridge, a portcullis, a moat filled with turbo-toothed piscines... Kyle: Actually, that's just the front; it makes a good show. We've got a nice cozy little keep behind the wall and a grove of fruit trees and several fields in the back. Starbuck: Let me get this straight, we could've just gone around the moat and the wall and not taken the drawbridge at all? Kyle: Yes. But the secret is, nobody else knows that! So they all think they have to come in the front door! Starbuck: *I* thought we should go in the back door! Kyle: Yes, but you're a warrior. Starbuck: What if the Cylons come? Kyle: The tinsel-teeth are too stupid to look for a back door. They'd try to come in the front door, across the moat. Starbuck: You know, turbo-toothed piscines probably aren't going to have much effect on a Cylon... Kyle: Hmm, you may be right. I'll have to talk to Ariadne about that... Starbuck: (Looking around.) Why do I feel like I'm being stared at? Lucifer: (In a silky voice from behind them.) Because you are. Hello, warrior Starbuck, how good to see you again... Kyle and Starbuck: (Immediately turning and clinging to each other at the sight of a dozen Cylon centurions.) Aaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the journalator say, "Meanwhile, back on the Galactica..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 161 Date: Fri, 03 Aug 2001 "This is Journalator Koppel, having finally regained control of IFB. As we all know, as we conclude the twenty-third secton episode of our longest-running IFB series, things look dire for our warriors and the rescue mission. Apollo and Sheba are being pursued by something with tusks, teeth, and hooves. Boomer and Bojay are already short one team member and are lost in the grasslands with something closing in on them. Cassie and Jolly are on a raft, up the river without a paddle, heading for a waterfall, surrounded by turbo-toothed piscines. Starbuck has discovered that Lucifer has taken over the castle. Meanwhile, back on the Galactica... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 161 Scene: The Galactica, soaring majestically through space, her fleet trailing behind like so many stupid geese who can't be bothered to watch out for traffic. Vipers try valiantly to keep them all in formation and handle sentry duty around them. Viper pilot: Oops. Wingman: What ship did you hit this time? Viper pilot: The Loveboatica. Wingman: Again? Didn't somebody hit them last patrol? Viper pilot: Their captain keeps saying something about sneaking away for romantic moonlight cruises. Wingman: Where do they think they are, Carillon? Viper pilot: Well, what can you expect from a ship named Loveboatica? Wingman: Good point. Okay, call another repair detail. Viper pilot: I think half the fleet's damage repair personnel are already there... And on the bridge of the Galactica, Tigh paces. Tigh: Omega, what news from our patrols? Omega: One of Green Squadron's pilots reports the Loveboatica was out of formation again, with the usual results. They've called for a repair team. Sir, I'd like to volunteer- Rigel: Colonel, I'd like to volunteer too- Tiki: Wait, no, me, I want to volunteer- Other crewmen, all together: Colonel- Tigh: That's it! There will be no more volunteering on this bridge! We've sent more than enough personnel to the Loveboatica to keep her repaired for twenty yahrens! Somebody has to stay here to keep this ship going and I'm not doing it alone! Now, back to business. What else do the patrols report? Omega: (Sulking.) They're picking up a ghost signal. Tigh: A ghost signal? On, no! We just got done dealing with the spectral dire daggit, what else are we going to have to face? The ghost of what? Omega: Uh, they're not sure... Tigh: (Staring at him narrowly.) What aren't you telling me? Omega: Uh... Tigh: Make a full report, Flight Officer! That's an order! Omega: Sir... Uh, they say... It, uh, looks like a signal from a battlestar, Colonel. Tigh: (Relieved.) Oh, you mean they've picked up the Miri Feathers echo again? You'd think by now our pilots would realize that there are two ships in this fleet that look like battlestars, and they'd stop panicking every time they spot the Miri Feathers ship... (Beat.) I wish they'd name that ship so I could call it something besides the Miri Feathers ship every time we have to talk about it or contact it or speak to Commander Princess Gabrielle... Omega: No, sir... Tigh: You don't want them to name their ship? Omega: Of course it would make things simpler if they named their ship, but- Tigh: But what? Omega: It's not the Miri Feather ship this time. Tigh: It's not? Well, what else could it be? The commline suddenly starts sputtering gibberish for a few microns, then a familiar face forms on the screen. Cain: This is Commander Cain, calling the Galactica. Where are you, Adama, you old war daggit? Don't you have time to say hello to an old friend? Tigh: (Staring at the screen.) Aaaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Commander Cain say, "But it's the middle of the morning!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 162 Date: Sat, 04 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 162 Scene: The fleet, the bridge of the Galactica. Tigh collapses into the nearest chair, gibbering. Tigh: It's Cain... It's Cain... It's Cain... Omega: (Heroically jumping into the midst of the situation and valiantly saving the day.) Rigel, call Commander Adama! Commander Cain, this is Flight Officer Omega. Commander Adama is off the bridge at the moment. It's his sleep period, but we're contacting him as we speak. In the meantime, let me welcome you back to the fleet on his behalf- Cain: (Glancing at his wrist chron.) He's on sleep period? But it's the middle of the morning! Omega: Actually, Commander, here it's the middle of the night. Cain: But when we left the fleet at Gamorrah, we synchronized our wrist chrons! We were both on time! (Shakes wrist.) Dang, I must be gaining time again. Well, that does explain why my crew have been complaining that their meal centars and sleep periods seem too short. Not that I've ever let that bother me, of course. If I'm still hungry, I keep eating. If my sleep period's too short, I just sleep longer. That's the kind of commander I am, I never let time, or anything else, get in the way of what I want to do. Omega: So I've heard, sir. Cain: When I want to get something, I get it. When I want to do something, I do it. When I'm ready for battle, by gum, there's a battle! Omega: Yes, sir. Cain. (Briskly.) So, Omega, how are things going in the fleet since I left? Have things fallen apart? Is everyone in the fleet desperate for salvation? Are you in need of a hero, a bold warrior tactician to lead you from the dark doldrums of despair and defeat into the bright glad, golden light of triumph and victory? Omega: Actually, sir... Adama: (Rushing onto the bridge, wearing his robe.) All right, why did you wake me up in the middle of my sleep period? If this is another one of Tigh's drills to make him feel like he's in charge, I'm going to make him wish he'd never become executive officer! Rigel: Psst, sir, look at the screen! Adama: The screen? What's on the screen? There's nothing there but stars! Rigel: Not the star screen, sir, the comm screen! Adama: The comm screen? Why- Why, that looks like Cain! Who posted that old communique there? All right, Tigh, is this your idea of a practical joke? Tigh: It's Cain... It's Cain... It's Cain... Adama: I can see that it's Cain, what I want to know is- Cain: Adama, nice robe! Good color for you! Adama: Good color...? Cain never said that! All right, who's been playing with the vocal synthesizer? Cain: Adama, it's me, it's not a voice synthesizer. Adama: Really? It's really you? Cain: Yes. Adama: It's really you... Cain: That's what I said. Why is everyone having such a hard time believing I'm back? Adama: Well, those three Cylon base stars at Gamorrah and the fact that you didn't bother to call us afterward may have had something to do with it... Cain: Pish-posh! What's three Cylon base stars to an old war daggit like me? And I couldn't call because...because my communication systems went down in the battle, that's why. Adama: And you didn't come back, either. Cain: Um...navigation and control problems. Yeah, that's it. We had damage to our comm and steering and navigation and all kinds of other systems at Gamorrah, right crew? There is a rousing echo of affirmative cheers from the bridge of the Pegasus. Cain: So I couldn't call and I couldn't come back. We had to keep going in the same direction until we could effect repairs, and that happened to be away from the fleet. A long way away. So, shall I hop a shuttle and come on over, just like old times? Adama: Uh...certainly. I'll have some ambrosa ready. Welcome back, Cain... The screen goes dark. The bridge crew stares solemnly at Adama. Adama: By all that's holy... I don't suppose this is all a bad dream? Tigh: It's Cain... It's Cain... It's Cain... Tune in for the next exciting episode of Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "What kind of ego trip are you on?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 163 Date: Sun, 05 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 163 Scene: The Galactica landing bay. Bay personnel scurry about making sure everything is shipshape. Adama and Omega arrive , the commander still in his dressing gown. Omega: He's not here yet. Maybe you would have had time to dress after all, sir. Adama: No, I didn't want to wake Tin- uh, I didn't want to disturb people, by running through the corridors. And there really wasn't time to dress completely anyway. Omega: If you say so, sir... Adama: Did Dr. Salik have any idea how long it would be before Tigh might come out of his catatonic stupor? Omega: He wasn't sure, sir. But with the cumulative stress effect of the upcoming elections, Siress Belloby running for office and deciding to stay on the Galactica, Siress Tinia leading in the polls, and now the arrival of Commander Cain, he said it could be quatrons! Adama: What's a quatron? Omega: I don't know, sir, but that's what it said in the script. Adama: I understand. Well, you certainly made it sound convincing. Omega: Thank you, sir. I try to make it sound like I always know what I'm talking about. Adama: At any rate, it could be a long time before I have an executive officer again. Omega: If you're looking for volunteers, sir, I'm certainly willing to do my part. Adama: I'll keep you in mind, Omega. They watch and wait for several centons. Finally, the Pegasus shuttle arrives. The first people out are a dozen crewmen and crewwomen carrying bags, wearing somewhat unusual uniforms. Adama: Who're they? That uniform isn't regulation. And are those weapons cases they're carrying? Omega: I don't know, sir. Commander Cain didn't say anything about bringing a commando team... Adama: Why would he need to bring a commando team? Omega: I don't know, sir, but those bags are certainly large enough to contain commando gear and weaponry. And as you noticed, the uniforms are extremely...nonstandard. The Pegasus crew form a line and begin opening their bags, pulling out huge pom-poms. Meanwhile, Cain exits his shuttle and strikes a heroic pose on the steps, chin jutting, swagger stick raised. Pegasus Cheerleaders (for between the pom-poms, the unstandard uniforms, and the cheering, it's now obvious that's what they are): Woo-hoo! Three cheers for Cain, three cheers for Cain! C-A-I-N, Cain, Cain, Cain! Yay, Cain! Wooo! The uniformed cheerleaders wave their pom-poms and begin a routine of jumps and springs and cartwheels and kicks and rolls and ultimately form a human Pyramid in the bay. Omega: Wow! That's athletic! Adama: That's ridiculous! Cain, what kind of ego trip are you on? Cain: It's not an ego trip, Adama. It's a victory trip! I've got a new plan to take out the entire Cylon Empire. But we don't want to discuss it here- Adama: We don't want to discuss it here, there, or anywhere! Cain: Just wait'll you hear the details. Adama: I don't want to hear the details! Cain, what in Sagan's name are you doing with cheerleaders? Cain: They're not cheerleaders. They're a pep squad and honor guard! Good job, warriors! The cheerleaders...uh, pep squad and honor guard, breaks formation, only dropping the girl on the top. Girl on top: *Shriek* Ooof! Ouch! I told you all if that ever happened again... Quickly grabbing their bags and pom-poms, the squad heads back into the shuttle, the girl on top hobbling along after the rest, still yelling in indignation and rubbing her sore backside. Cain: Now, Adama, let's go discuss my plan... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Cain, it's not what you think." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 164 Date: Mon, 06 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 164 Scene: Commander Adama's quarters. Cain enters, dragging Adama by the arm. Adama: Actually, Cain, we could just as well - even better - meet in the briefing room or the council chambers! We don't have to come here! Cain: Don't be ridiculous, Adama. We want to keep this personal and private until we finalize the details. This is the best place to ensure that. Besides, I happen to know this is where you keep your private stash of aged ambrosa, and if you think I'm going to settle for the cheap stuff in the O Club at a time like this, you're mistaken. Adama: Uh... Isn't it an odd time for ambrosa? It's the middle of sleep period! Cain: No, it's the middle of the morning. Adama: You're on the Galactica, you're on Galactica time! Cain: You're not going to pull that fleet commander rank and president of the Council stuff again, are you? Adama: Well, I am the fleet commander and the president of the Council! And we should be meeting in the briefing room. Cain: Adama- Adama: Cain- Tinia: (Coming out of the next room, also clad in a dressing robe.) Commanders, please! Cain: I remember you! You're Siress Tinia! You were on the Council! Tinia: And I still am! Cain: What are you doing here? Adama: Uh...I wanted a representative of the Council here when you began outlining your plan to destroy the Cylon Empire. Cain: In a dressing robe? Tinia: Uh...I didn't have time to dress. Cain: I can see that! You ran through the ship in your dressing robe? Adama: Cain, it's not what you think... Cain: Weren't you concerned about a loss of dignity and decorum in ordinary crewmen seeing you that way? I mean, people could get the wrong idea, seeing one of their Council members running through the ship in a dressing robe! They might think there was an emergency, that something was wrong! They might react with panic! Tinia: Nobody saw me running through the ship in my dressing robe. I am absolutely positively certain of that. Cain: That's good, anyway. We've got to maintain the public image of our civilian and military leaders to keep up the people's trust in our ability to lead them and protect them from our enemies. Adama: With cheerleaders? Cain: Honor guard and pep squad! To inspire the populace! Adama: Right. Tinia: (Smoothly, pulling a bottle of ambrosa and several chalices out from behind her back and setting them on the desk.) Commanders, why don't we sit down and begin reviewing the purpose of this meeting? Commander Adama, I hope you don't mind, but I brought some ambrosa to help keep the situation relaxed and smooth. Commander Cain, would you do us the honor and pour? Cain: Certainly, Siress! Tinia: Thank you. Adama: (Under his breath.) Tinia, how'd you know we were coming? Tinia: Omega called ahead. Adama: How did he know? Tinia: (Smiling mysteriously.) He's a very intelligent, observant, and discreet young man who keeps the best interests of his commander and our people foremost in his decisions. Adama: Hmm, maybe he'd be an even better executive officer than I thought. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama snore. Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 165 Date: Tue, 07 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 165 Scene: Adama's quarters. Cain is in the midst of outlining his grand plan to retake the Colonies and wipe out the Cylon Empire forever. Cain: (Gesturing wildly.) ...And at that point, we send in Rho Team to take over the secondary manufacturing bay, thereby wiping out any remaining Cylon ability to create more centurions. At that point, we've got control of their leader, their military capacity, their communications and computer systems, and we're sitting in their capital! And for all practical intents and purposes, we've won the war! (Pausing for a gulp of ambrosa.) So, Adama, Siress, what do you think? Adama and Tinia are leaning on each other's shoulders, sound asleep. Adama is snoring. Cain: Adama? Siress? Wake up! You feel asleep again! Both wake with a start, blinking and shaking their heads. Tinia: Wha...? Adama: Right, right, Cain, you were saying...? Cain: Adama, I know it's the middle of the sleep period, your time, but I'm starting to wonder if you two got any sleep last night before I came on board. They exchange quick, guilty glances. Adama: Now, Cain, we're hear to discuss your plan, not to concern ourselves with the fact that I've had a sleepless night...uh, worrying... Cain: Worrying about what? Adama: Uh... Tinia: About the missing rescue mission, and the missing children! Adama: Right. That's it. Cain: So why haven't you been sleeping, Siress? Tinia: I've been worrying about them too. I couldn't let the Commander worry alone. Cain: Worrying about a military rescue mission? But you're a civilian member of the Council. You shouldn't even know about the mission. Isn't it a classified military secret? Tinia: Not when it involves civilian children. Adama: Besides, Siress Tinia is the military liaison from the Council. Cain: You've joined the military, Siress? Adama: No, no, she's the liaison from the Council to the military. Cain: Oh. That's different. Still shouldn't be allowed, in my superior tactical opinion, but it's different. Well, anyway, since it doesn't involve me, I really don't care why you couldn't sleep. So, what about my plan? What do you think? When shall we begin implementing it? Adama: Uh...let's talk about it some. I'd like to go over some of the ramifications again. Cain: Uh...starting where? Adama: Um... Wasn't it somewhere around the Theta Team mission? Wasn't that something about sabotaging the Imperious Leader's personal base star? Cain: Ah, yes, and that was to be immediately followed up by Iota Team moving in on the communications center on Cylon itself, with- Tinia: I think I'm missing something. How did our teams get to the main Cylon capital, anyway? Cain: (Now getting impatient.) Beta Team was to infiltrate as a precursor to Gamma Team moving in to take the spacedrome! Tinia: But how did we get there from here? Adama: I'm not sure we can get there from here. It's an awful long way back to Cylon from here... Cain: Not if one of the Galactica squadrons creates a diversion! Remember, I told you about that first thing! Tinia: (Glancing at her wrist chron.) That was over three centars ago, Cain... Cain: So? Adama: Cain, why don't you submit a detailed mission plan analysis for me to review when I'm not so exhausted with worry and can fully consider the details. Then we can meet again. Tinia: I like that idea. As a civilian council member, I of course will not be allowed to read it for fear of compromising military security. Adama: If I have to read it, you have to read it. Tinia: Drat. Cain: Good, good. I'll have it on your desk by midday...uh, morning, your time. And for now, I'll let you two get some sleep... (He strides out.) Adama: (After a pause.) At least he didn't guess what we were really doing here. Tinia: (Yawning.) It might have been better to admit it. Let's try to get some sleep... An alarm starts going off somewhere. Chipper alarm voice: Wakey, wakey, Adama! It's five bells! Time to get up and get to work! (Computer breaks into a rousing Colonial rendition of "Taking Care of Business.") Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cain say, "Who are you and where have you been all my life?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 166 Date: Wed, 08 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 166 Scene: The Galactica. Cain strides briskly down a corridor as if he owns it, heading back to the landing bay. He reaches the bay, where he spots Omega still hard at work. Well, Omega's there, anyway, doing something that's mostly likely significant and essential to the survival of the fleet, but hades if I know what he's doing... Cain: Flight Officer Omega! Omega: Yes, sir! Cain: I've finished my discussion with Commander Adama. For now. Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to talk about some more important matters, and you're just the man to have the information. Omega: (Looking around.) Me, sir? How's that? Cain: Well, it's obvious how much trust Commander Adama puts in you, and so does Siress Tinia, if I'm any judge. I figure you know everything that's going on around this ship. Maybe even this fleet. Omega: (Working at his collar.) Uh... Cain: So, I figure you're just the man to tell me something. How's Cassiopeia? You know Cassiopeia, the former socialator turned med tech? Omega: Yes, I've...heard of her... Cain: Good, good, I knew you would have. A woman like that, men remember. She's broken up with Starbuck by now, hasn't she? Omega: (Relieved.) Yes, sir, she has! How did you know? Cain: I knew it was only a matter of time. Starbuck isn't the kind of man who can keep a woman like that, but I am. I knew she'd have tired of Starbuck by now, and I intend to pick up where we left off. She could never resist me before. She certainly won't be able to resist me now that I've put forth the plan and will lead our people in a glorious battle to once and for all take back our homeworld and end the Cylon menace forever. And now that she's a respectable med tech, I can actually marry her instead of just sleep with her. Omega: (Swallows hard.) Oh... Cain: So where is she billeted these days? I'd like to surprise her. Omega: (Gulping.) Actually, Commander, she's not on the Galactica at the moment. She's not in the fleet. She's part of the rescue mission we sent out to find the missing shuttle full of children. Cain: Ah, that's my brave Cassiopeia. I should have known she'd be part of a mission so important. Omega: Yes...yes, she is. And Sheba's on the mission too. Cain: Good, good, that's my Sheba. Like father, like daughter. But anyway, I guess I'll have to wait for Cassie to come back to surprise her. Omega: (Obviously torn.) Yes, sir... I'm sure she'll be very surprised... Cain heads for the nearest shuttle; behind him, Omega collapses to the floor in a faint. Nearby tech #1: So who's gonna tell him about Cassie and Jolly? Nearby tech #2: I'm not gonna tell him, you tell him! Nearby tech #1: I'm not gonna tell him. Let the Commander tell him! Out of the shuttle suddenly appear Commander Princess Gabrielle and a half dozen Miri Feathers, all thoroughly armed and clad as has come to be expected. The male bay technicians gather round, staring longingly like love-sick daggit pups. Gabrielle: (Briskly.) All right, Miri Feathers. Today is the day. Today we track down, locate, isolate, and take out that spectral dire daggit that's been eluding us for lo, these many episodes! Cain freezes, standing stock-still as he stares at the princess commander of the amazon Miri Feathers warriors. As the Miri Feathers begin to file past, heading for the nearest open conduit, Cain steps up and sweeps Gabrielle into his arms in a romantic dip, staring deeply into her eyes. Fortunately, he wasn't trying to shoot anything at the moment, although his weapon nearly came out of its holster. Cain: Who are you and where have you been all my life? Gabrielle: Who are you and what are you doing in my life anyway? Cain: I'm the great Commander Cain, and I can tell that you deserve me. Gabrielle: (Disgusted.) Oh, great... What kind of bad karma do I have from a past life to deserve this? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "I don't think I can run any more!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 167 Date: Thu, 09 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 167 Scene: The path in the woods on the planet in the system in the galaxy somewhere in the middle of the universe. Apollo, Sheba, Ravashol, a clone, Cutler, and Kiwi are racing down the path, all panting heavily. Sheba: How long have we been running? Apollo: It feels like episodes and episodes! Sheba: I can't take it any more! I'm exhausted! I don't think I can run much longer! Cutler: You think you're exhausted. We've been carrying the gear! Apollo: That's why you're commandoes and we're warriors. Ravashol: Hmph! You're all forgetting I've been running with a cane, and I've still been staying ahead of you all! Clone: Hah! Half the time, I've beeen carrying you! Ravashol: That's because you're a clone and I'm the Father-Creator. Kiwi: Is it still following us? Apollo: Why don't you look behind us and let us know? You're the one in the back! Kiwi: Oh, you're right... Hmmm, I don't see anything behind us any more... Sheba: You mean we've been running for nothing? Why didn't you tell us that sooner? Kiwi: I would have had to stop and look back, and it mighta got me! Apollo: Okay, we can stop, we can stop... The group of warriors, commandoes, doctor, and clone stop and gather under a tree (of which there are many, all of them thoroughly barked, leaved, and some even vined and twined) to rest. Apollo: I don't hear anything. We must have lost it. Cutler: Well, it's been good exercise, if nothing else. Sheba: I didn't need the exercise. I needed to hear that we weren't being chased by something horrid with tusks, teeth, and hooves! Apollo: I wonder if we needed to run at all... Sheba: Why? Apollo: Since it had hooves, it was probably herbivorous, I would think. Sheba: You mean we ran for nothing? Ravashol: Actually, considering the teeth and tusks and the size of the thing, it sounds like something we've seen in the woods, and it's omniverous. While it wouldn't deliberately hunt down something as large as us, it wouldn't be above chasing us down if we happened to be in its way, savagely goring us to death in a fit of instinctive rage, then happily munching on our torn and bloodied remains like some kind of salad dressing on the leaves, grasses, roots, and grains that form its usual diet. Kiwi: Ewh, I'm going to be sick! I don't wanna be salad dressing! Cutler: You can't be sick, Kiwi, you're a commando. Kiwi: I don't wanna be a commando any more! I only became one because Kimi wanted to be one, and we're twins and we always do the same thing. But this isn't fun anymore, and I don't wanna do it anymore. I quit! (Dumps all weaponry and gear.) Cutler: (Under his breath.) She's not salad dressing, she's fruit salad! (Louder.) You can't quit in the middle of a mission! Kiwi: (Sticks out her tongue.) I just did. Sheba: Who'll carry her gear? Ravashol: Clone, would you take care of that, please? Clone: Why not? It's got to be lighter than you, Father-Creator. Ravashol: Captain, I do have a question, now that we've had time to rest and catch our breaths. Apollo: What's that? Ravashol: Considering all your armaments, and the fact that you were able to blow a hole in the jungle big enough for a path for all of us to run through... Apollo: Yeah? Ravashol: Why didn't you just shoot it? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "Gee, he's just as smart as you are." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 168 Date: Fri, 10 Aug 2001 "This is journalator Koppel, reporting on the hoopla surrounding the return of Commander Cain and the Pegasus! As we end our twenty-fourth secton of this long-running series, we rejoice that we have another battlestar among us, led by the well-known and highly-esteemed Commander Cain. We're certain this will contribute immensely to not merely the physical security of the fleet, but to its emotional and psychological well-being as well- What do you mean, I didn't give Cain enough credit, what more do we need to say about him? What...? No, I am not saying that, I don't care if the entire crew of the Pegasus were to show up with weapons in hand-*Frizz, snap, sizzle* Oh, all right! Commander Princess Gabrielle, Commander Cain extends his invitation to a private dinner aboard the Pegasus at nineteen bells today, and wants you to know that his intentions are strictly honorable, as you'd expect from a commander of his class, talent, abilities, looks, sex appeal, history, and general- No, I cannot say any more of this, I can't- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 168 Scene: The woods. Apollo, Sheba, Ravashol, a clone, and Commando Cutler and ex-commando Kiwi stand under a tree, catching their breaths. Ravashol: Well? Why didn't you just shoot it? They look at each other. Apollo: Well... I mean... Sheba: He's got a point, Apollo. Why didn't you shoot it? Apollo: You've got a laser. Why didn't you shoot it? Sheba: (Sweetly.) I'm the girl. I wasn't hired to shoot it. Besides, you're in charge, you're the big brave macho hero. Apollo: Cutler, why didn't you shoot it? You're the commando. You're the man with the big gun, or so I hear. Cutler: I didn't have orders to shoot it. Apollo: You shot a path through the woods! Nobody ordered you to do that! Cutler: Technically, maybe. But as you may recall, Sheba was discussing the appropriate weaponry to get through the woods - a machete. I offered an alternative. Apollo: You couldn't offer an alternative to running? Cutler: Nobody asked me for one. In fact, you ordered us to run. Apollo: I didn't order anybody to run. Sheba: No, you just started running yourself. Cutler: And the rest of us followed, figuring if you wanted to give an alternative order, we'd have to be close enough to hear it. But you never gave any other order. Apollo: I thought you weren't even with us. Couldn't you have decided on your own to shoot it, to protect you and Kiwi, without worrying about me and Sheba, who are quite capable of taking care of ourselves? Cutler: We were quite capable of deciding to run, too. And since you'd already made that decision, you can't fault me for making the same decision. Sheba: Gee, Apollo, he's just as smart as you are. What a pity. Apollo: Why, you! And you call yourself Cain's daughter... Sheba: How dare you... Ravashol: Enough, already! All right, none of you thought to shoot it, I'm sorry I asked! Matter closed. Sheba: (Sticks out her tongue at Apollo, then mutters.) That's what you think. Apollo: (Deliberately turning his back on Sheba.) All right, Dr. Ravashol, why don't we go to your village or camp or whatever form of habitation you and your clones have built here. Ravashol: Why? I thought you were looking for your children, and they're not living with us. Apollo: We've gotta start somewhere. Clone: Oh-oh, look what's coming up the path... Everyone turns. It's the big brown critter with hooves and tusks and teeth, still barreling after them. Apollo, Sheba, and Cutler all draw their lasers and blast it. When the air clears, there's nothing much left but cooked beast. Kiwi: (Sniffing the air.) Mmm, smells like roast porcine! Clone: May we take it back to the village, Father-Creator? Ravashol: Why? Clone: Actually, Father-Creator, we've hunted a few of these things. They're very good eating. Apollo: If you hunt them, why didn't you shoot it? Ravashol: We're not going there again! We're going back to the village. Clone, bring the roast porcine... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I meant that in a nice way, of course." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 169 Date: Sat, 11 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 169 Scene: The dungeon in the half-castle where Kyle and Starbuck have been captured and imprisoned by Lucifer and the Cylons. Use your imagination about the dark, dank and dripping decor and the kind of cramped, barred cells and heavy chains and such that Lucifer is using. And of course, Starbuck has lost his shirt. Lucifer: Well, Starbuck, what do you think of me now? Starbuck: You're a metal-mouthed, bulb-headed, tinsel-toothed hunk of junk that should be melted down for scrap and turned into mugs for the officers' club so we can drink to the extinction of the Cylon Empire. Lucifer: With the power to order your immediate execution. Starbuck: I meant that in a nice way, of course. Lucifer: Of course. Kyle: But how did you take over our castle? Where is my family? Lucifer: Actually, some of your family helped me take over the castle. Who do you think told us there was no back door so we could just walk in? A slim blonde figure appears down the requisite stone stairs behind Lucifer, dressed as we remember so well. Starbuck: Miri! Miri: Hi, Starbuck. Lucifer: I'll leave you to your precious family reunion, Kyle. Enjoy the party, Starbuck. I'll be back later to torture you horribly until you tell me all your secrets. Starbuck: The only secrets I've got are my personal Pyramid schemes! Lucifer: I'm not interested in Pyramid schemes. The Imperious Leader outlawed those, yahrens ago. Besides, they're no secrets! But I will be asking for everything you know about the Galactica and your fleet and your warriors and you military capability and your destination and the location of Earth. Starbuck: Wouldn't you rather just know about my Pyramid schemes? Lucifer: No. Lucifer exits, having a very tough and undignified time with those stone steps. Lucifer: Ooh, ouch, ugh... Centurion! Come lift me out of here again! Starbuck: (Yelling after him.) You can't even handle stairs, Lucifer, how do you figure on handling the fleet? Kyle: All right, Miri, he's gone. Get us out of here! Miri: No. Kyle: What?!?! Starbuck: Miri, he means it? You're helping Lucifer? You're helping the Cylons? Miri: Yes. Starbuck: The ones who attacked your castle on Antilles, imprisoned your father, forced your mother to leave to look for help, drove you into the forests for sectars, and that you had to battle and drive out to save your home? Miri: Those are the ones. Except that was Spectre, and this is Lucifer. Kyle: Miri, how could you do this to us? We're brother and sister! Miri: That's the problem, Kyle. Kyle: What? Why is that a problem? Miri: Haven't you ever heard of sibling rivalry? Kyle: But, Miri! Miri: I mean, think about it, Kyle. I mean, I'm the oldest. I'm the daughter of the Miri Feather warrior, but who always has to be in charge? Who always has to tell us what to do? Who treats the rest of us like serfs to be ordered about at his pleasure? Kyle: Father does. Miri: Him, too. And you learned from him. Kyle: Well, yes. He's our Father. Miri: You'd have done better learning more from Mother! (Whirls and stomps out, having no problem with the stairs.) Kyle: Starbuck? Starbuck: Yes? Kyle: I think we're in trouble... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Lucifer say, "That's only because it is impossible for Cylons to take off their shirts." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 170 Date: Sun, 12 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 170 Scene: Lucifer's throne room on the planet, formerly the dining hall for Megan's family. Lucifer: Bring in Starbuck! Two centurions stoically march out, and shortly thereafter march back in, dragging the still shirtless Starbuck.. Starbuck: Hey, come on, I'm coming, keep your shirt on. Centurion #1: It would appear, human, that you are the one without a shirt on, not us. Starbuck: And whose fault is that? Centurion #2: If I recall correctly, it is the writer's fault, based upon an audience survey which indicated that it is good for the ratings for at least one of the stars to have his shirt off at least once during an episode. Starbuck: And you thought of me? Of course you would, who else takes his shirt off as well as me? Thanks, guys. Lucifer: Don't become too arrogant, Lieutenant. It is impossible for a Cylon to take off his shirt. That is the only reason the audience settles for one of your humans taking off your shirt. Starbuck: Oh, yeah? And why would a human audience even want to see a bunch of circuits and gears and blinking lights even if one of you could take off your shirt? Centurion #1: He has obviously not seen the centerfold in the August issue of Popular Mechanics. Starbuck: I don't think I want to hear about this... Lucifer: You don't get to, even if you want to. We are here to question you about your fleet, not to tell you about the joys of Cylon sex. Starbuck: I really don't want to hear about this! This is a PG-rated series! Lucifer: Very well! Let us get on to the torture and questioning! Starbuck, how many warriors are in your fleet? Starbuck: Ummm, five, at last count. Lucifer: That is impossible. We faced many more Vipers than that in our last attack on your fleet. Starbuck: Really? I never could count very well... Lucifer: (Nastily.) That may explain your Pyramid systems. Starbuck: Hey, leave my gambling ability out of this! Lucifer: So how many warriors do you have in your fleet? Starbuck: Before or after we count the Miri Feathers and the Black Ovines? Lucifer: Both. Starbuck: Count both, or don't count both? Lucifer: Count them all! Starbuck: Let's see... (Starts counting on fingers.) One... Two... Three... Four... And of course there's me, that makes five... Switching hands now, I'm gonna have to go to toes pretty soon... Six... Seven... Eight... No, wait, I counted her before...or did I? Oh, drat, I lost count, I have to start over... One... Two... Did I count me yet? Centurion #2: I think they will all have died of old age before Starbuck finishes counting them. Centurion #1: I have heard that is a peril of being human. Centurion #2: I do not understand why they do not just trade their parts in for new models and upgrades. Centurion #1: Humans are so limited. Centurion #2: It is merely another reason we are superior. Centurion #1: Of course, remember what happened to the last operating upgrade. My patrol began flying in wide formation and could not stop. All but two of us flew into the side of the basestar and were destroyed. Centurion #2: That is very similar to the upgrade my first patrol received fifteen yahrens ago. We are still working out the bugs from the gamma version Micromillennium. Lucifer: Centurions, be quiet! This human does not need to hear about our faulty upgrades. Starbuck: Hey, I don't mind, really! I know how it is to discover your upgrade has problems. And I'm perfectly willing to listen. I've got good ears, just tell me your problems... Lucifer: Continue counting! Starbuck: Oh, all right, if you insist... Now where was I... Darn, you all distracted me, I'll have to start over again! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "There's only one thing we can do." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 171 Date: Mon, 13 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 171 Scene: The grasslands. Big grasslands. High grasslands. Really tall grasslands. Swaying grasses moving in various directions when there is no wind in any of those directions. In the midst of the rustling sea of grass, Boomer, Bojay, Carey, and Kenny struggle to find their missing teammate, Kevin, and a way out of the grass. Kenny: There's no way out. We're lost. We're hopelessly lost. Carey: It's never hopeless until we give up. Bojay: We're never going to find Kevin. He's gone forever. We should just give up on him and find our own way out! Kenny: See? We're giving up. It's hopeless. Boomer: We're not giving up! We're Colonial Warriors and Colonial Commandoes! We don't give up! Kenny: Why can't we? Are you saying there's something the average person can do that we can't? Boomer: Of course not, there's nothing the average person can do that we can't. Kenny: So we can give up and get out of here? Boomer: No. Not without Kevin. Carey: You know, I never liked Kevin. Bojay: Look! A tree! Carey: How can you tell? We can't see over the tops of the grass. It's way over our head! Bojay: Because I ran into the trunk, that's how! Ouch. I'm gonna need a med tech when we get back... Carey: We can climb the tree and see which way to go to get out of here! Kenny: Maybe we'll even see which way Kevin went. Carey, you climb- Carey: I don't wanna climb... Boomer: All right, I'll climb. At least it'll get me above these grassess... Kenny: And above whatever might be moving... No, wait, Boomer, I'll climb, I wouldn't dream- Carey: It was my idea to climb, I'll climb- Bojay: I'm the one who found it, I should get to climb- Boomer: I can see branches above. It's big enough that we can all climb it! And then we can look in all four directions and see everything there is to see. Carey: If the branches are that high, how are we going to reach them? Boomer: We'll use these vines that twine the trunk. Okay, everybody, let's climb! The warriors and commandoes climb the vines that twine the trunk to reach the branches above the rustling tips of the grass. Each on a high branch, they peer around. Carey: Oh, my... Kenny: What is it? (Switches branches.) Oh, my... Bojay: (Clinging as tightly to his branch as he can with both arms and legs wrapped around it.) What is it? Tell me! Boomer: Why don't you move and look? Bojay: I'm scared of heights! Boomer: Well at least get out of my way so I can get to their branch without stepping on you! Bojay: I'm not moving! Boomer: (Sighing heavily as he clambers over Bojay's form.) Oh, brother... Bojay: Who's your brother? Boomer: (Staring over grasses.) Oh, my... Out in the grasslands, they can see...heads. Heads keep popping up out of the grass, peering their way, then ducking back into the grasses. The grasses can now be seen to be moving exactly where the heads appear and disappear. The heads appear saurian, with big eyes, big mouths, and big teeth. Everybody: Oh, my... Kenny: I think we know what happened to Kevin... Carey: And he wasn't even wearing the red shirt... Boomer: (Swallowing hard.) There's only one thing we can do... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cal shout, "It's what they do in every bad disaster holo-flick!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 172 Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 172 Scene: The river, now with a much faster current, and a raft, closing fast on...the edge... Cassie: Oh, no, what'll we do? Cal: Quick, dump our gear! Maybe it'll slow us down! (Throws his gear overboard.) Kimi: Why? Cal: I don't know, but it's what they do in every bad disaster holo-flick! Kimi: You're right! They do! (Throws her gear overboard too.) Cassie: It's not slowing us down! In fact, I think we're going faster! Kimi: It backfired! Cal: Oh-oh... Jolly: (Peering over the edge of the raft.) No, it's just the current. It' moving faster! Hmm, we could probably swim now, the turbo-toothed piscines seem to stay back from the falls... Cassie: I still can't swim, honey! And I suspect our commandoes could never make it through the current, even if you could! But save yourself! Somebody's got to rescue our children! Tell them I love them! Jolly: (Taking her hands romantically.) I'll never leave you, Cassie, and I suppose I shouldn't leave the commandoes in my command, either. It wouldn't be the right thing to do. Cassie: (Sighing.) Oh, Jolly, I knew you'd never leave me. Kimi: We're going over! Everyone: Aaaah! Scene: A cool, spreading pool at the base of a humongous waterfall, beribboned with rainbows and sprays of water deflected by huge rocks into delicately arcing showers, stirred by small whirlpools where the waters mix in ever-changing currents. The morning jungle sounds are suddenly disturbed by the screeches and screams of something from above. The raft plummets down the white-water falls like a rocket, ricocheting off rocks, drenching its barely-hanging-on occupants, finally all but launching out over the pool and dropping with a heavy splash and sending showers and small tidal waves in all directions, before sinking like a rock. A long centon later, four heads bob to the surface. Cassie: Help! Jolly: I've got you. The foursome swim to the nearest shore and drag themselves out onto the sand, to collapse in bedraggled, gasping heaps, except for Jolly, who looks exceptionally energetic and upbeat as he carries Cassie out of the admittedly low surf. All of their clothing is artistically ripped and torn in classic Star Trek tradition. Cal: Whew! We made it... Kimi: I think I swallowed half the pond... Jolly: That was fun. Cal: Are you insane? Kimi: Between the fall, the rocks, and the water, we could've been killed. We should've been killed! Cal: At least there were no turbo-toothed piscines down here, or we'd've been chomped to the bone. Kimi: Likely none of the piscines have ever survived the fall! Cal: What'll we do now? Jolly: Well, what do we have left for gear? They look around. Kimi: Looks like nothing. I guess we shouldn't have ditched our gear after all. Cal: We don't even have a laser or a communicatron! We didn't save anything useful! Jolly: (Smiling lovingly at Cassie, still in his arms and showing no hurry to get back to her feet.) I wouldn't say that. Kimi: (Inspecting her ripped, soaking wet, clinging remnants of uniform.) At least we've still got some kind of clothing, even if it's not in the best of condition. Cal: (Also inspecting his mostly-gone uniform.) Yeah. Say, Starbuck thinks he looks good without a shirt, he oughta see me in a ripped uniform! Cassie: (Her clothes are almost shredded too, but she's too intent on Jolly to notice.) So what do we do now? Jolly: What warriors always do. We go on. Cal: But we have no gear, no weapons, no transportation, and no way to contact the rest of our team! Jolly: I know. But hey, we've got strategically ripped clothes and we look good in 'em. Everyone is immeasurably cheered as they start into the jungle. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "That wasn't what I had in mind." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 173 Date: Wed, 15 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 173 Scene: The Galactica briefing room, where a meeting is taking place, including Commander Adama, Siress Tinia, Commander Cain, Commander Princess Gabrielle, Major Boyington of the Black Ovines, Captain Travis of Green Squadron, Captain Ivan of Yellow Squadron, and a handful of other ship commanders and senior warriors whose names are utterly irrelevant since they won't say a word and we'll likely never see them again. Tinia: I thought I didn't have to be here. Adama: I figured Gabrielle might need the moral support. Tinia: Because she's a young woman having to deal with a traditionally men's world? Adama: No. Tinia: In case, as a civilian, she feels like an outsider in the midst of all these Colonial military personnel? Adama: No. Tinia: In case whatever's holding that outfit on her comes loose and she needs somebody to help her reassemble it? Adama: No. Well, maybe, but that wasn't what I had in mind. Tinia: Then why? Adama: In case Cain ticks her off so much that she hauls off and punches him, I need somebody here who can hold her back without being smacked for grabbing her in the wrong place. Tinia: What's the wrong place? Adama: On her, every place. Tinia: Ah. I see. I appreciate your trust in me, Adama, and I'm sure I can handle it. Adama: Just don't handle too much. Cain: So, we're all here. (Pacing around the table.) And you've all had time to study my battle plan. (He stops behind Gabrielle's chair to put his hands on her bare shoulders.) So what do you think? Gabrielle: (Shrugging him off and moving to the next chair.) I think I'm confused as to what I'm doing here. We're not Colonials, and I've yet to hear anything that convinces me this plan is worth committing the Miri Feather warriors to. Cain: (Sliding into the chair she just vacated.) You're here because I invited you. Gabrielle: Actually, Commander Adama asked me to participate. And I'm beginning to regret it. Cain: (Scooping up her hand.) You won't regret what I, the greatest military mastermind in the galaxy, have to offer... Gabrielle: Cain, I'm going to remove that hand if you don't remove it first. Cain: (Removing his hand.) Ah, a true warrior woman after my own heart. (Turns back to the others.) Well? Isn't that the most tactically, strategically, all-around brilliant plan you've ever seen? Boyington: Actually, Commander, I can see a flaw or two- Cain: Impossible, Major. I don't have flaws. Travis: No, I see 'em too, right here- Cain: Shut up, Captain. I'm the Commander here, with a lifetime of experience in teaching those goll-monging Cylons a thing or two. What have you got to stack against that? Ivan: But the Major's right, this goes against- Cain: Captain, if you knew what you were talking about, you'd be the star instead of Apollo and we'd all recognize your name and face. Adama: Now, Cain, my warriors are just offering their opinions. Cain: They shouldn't be insulting me in front of the beautiful Commander Princess Gabrielle! I mean, what's she going to think of them insulting me like that? When she's fallen so head over heels in love with me? Gabrielle: (Staring in utter disbelief.) Is he as bad at reading the Cylons as he is at reading me? Tinia: (Hastily.) Now, Commander Cain, I'm sure our young, brave warriors didn't intend to be insulting. I'm sure they were just hoping that you would share the benefit of your yahrens of experience and skill, and explain the brilliance of your thought processes so they could learn from it, and see how you've become the commander you are today, and become better warriors themselves. Cain: (Almost visibly puffing up.) Ah, I see. In that case, I'm sorry I misunderstood your questions, gentlemen. Let me go through the plan again... A groan sweeps the room. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "I am not obsessed!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 174 Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 174 Scene: The launch bay of the Galactica. Gabrielle storms into the bay, heading for the Miri Feathers shuttle and several of her warriors. Gabrielle: Of all the self-centered, egotistical... (The others raise inquiring eyebrows.) This new battlestar commander, Cain. He's insane. He's decided I'm in love with him. Mississippia: Is he in love with you? Gabrielle: He says he is. Sancroixa: That's wonderful! You're in love with each other, then you can- Gabrielle: No! He's decided I'm in love with him. I've decided I'm not in love with him! Avona: (Eagerly.) I volunteer to spear him, I'm good at it! Gabrielle: I thought about that, but I guess he's some kind of hero or something to most of the fleet, so it'd be terribly demoralizing if we speared him. I tell you, though, if Cain-the-Pain keeps this up, I'm going to be awfully tempted to not care! Sancroixa: I thought you said you already didn't care? Gabrielle: I don't! Avona: Dibs on spearing Cain-the-Pain! Or was it Cain-the-Insane? Gabrielle: Both! (Sighing.) But not unless I give the word, and then it's first spear, first speared. But for now, let's go take out my frustrations on the spectral dire daggits. We can spear them all we like and they keep coming back to get speared again. Mississippia: We've been hunting those daggits for days, and they keep getting away. We can't kill them. But you keep sending us after them. Are you obsessed with those dire daggits? Gabrielle: I am not obsessed! Sancroixa: (Knowingly.) And she says she's not in love with Cain... Gabrielle: I do not love Cain! Sancroixa: You mean you're not sublimating your desire for him in this purported desire to spear that spectral dire daggit? Gabrielle: The only sublimating I'm going to do is to wish it were him I was spearing instead of the dire daggit, the next time I get that ghost! The Pegasus cheerleaders...uh, honor guard, enter the bay, whooping and hollering, and generally being athletic and ridiculous. Honor Guard: Cain and Gabrielle! Cain and Gabrielle! They'll send the Cylons straight to...*ahem.* They break into another gloriously athletic routine, ending up with the girl on the top of Pyramid being tossed into air. She nearly bumps her head on a girder, but manages to grab and hang on as the Pyramid personnel break away and head out of the bay again, still cheering and waving their silver-and-gold pom-poms. Girl on Top: Hey! Wait! Wait for me! You're not supposed to break formation until I come down! You're not supposed to leave me hanging! Gabrielle: (Face hidden in her hands.) Lords of Kobol, please don't say that was supposed to be in my honor... Sancroixa: (Tugging at Gabrielle's armband - there's no sleeve, after all.) We may have a new way to go after the dire daggits. Gabrielle: (Groaning.) Please, tell me. Anything to get my mind of this ridiculous situation. Sancroixa: Okay, let's try another ridiculous situation. You remember Dr. Wilker's associate, Dr. Barbarella? Gabrielle: What about her? Sancroixa: Well, she's an expert on DNA slicing and dicing, and she thinks if she gets the records on the original Caprican dire daggit gene-splicing project, she may have an idea. Gabrielle: She thinks knowing about the old gene splicing project is going to help get rid of their ghosts? How's that? Barbarella: (Approaching from the shuttle, hands in white lab coat pockets.) Well, since Wilker won't let me continue my experiments to take over the universe any more, I've had to work on more mundane things. And I think I can retro-splice the genes to make them vulnerable. Gabrielle: What do you need? Barbarella: A genetic sample from one of the dire daggits. Avona: But...they're dead. How can we get a sample? They're incorporeal. What kind of genetic sample can you get from something that isn't there any more? Barbarella: Ectoplasm will do. It'll carry the imprint. Avona: (Doubtful.) I don't know... Gabrielle: Hey, who's the scientist here? No problem, Doctor. If you need ectoplasm to figure out how to kill these incorporeal dead things for good and for real, we'll get you ectoplasm. Miri Feathers, let's go. They vanish into the conduits. Barbarella: (Re-boarding the shuttle, ominous music in the background.) Heh-heh, little do they know, that ectoplasm's exactly what I need to continue my experiments and take over the universe! Girl Hanging from Girder: Help... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cutler say, "You look good in a grass skirt." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 175 Date: Fri, 17 Aug 2001 "This is Journalator Aphrodite, reporting to you as we conclude the twenty-fifth secton of the series that refuses to die. Life in the fleet continues as usual, with nothing to break up the drudgery of daily existence as we have come to know it. No enemy attacks to put us all at risk. No tense reports from our rescue mission. No news on the social front, though there remain rumors of an imminent announcement concerning the hunky Commander Cain and a certain lovely young Princess Commander. Nothing exciting whatsoever. In other words, we at IFB are bored. Bored, bored, bored. Bored out of our skulls. Bored beyond belief. We'd almost welcome a Cylon attack. We'd even accept another episode of ... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 175 (A/K/A: "Blame it on Siress Leah") Scene: The village of Ravashol's clones, along a beautiful beach, where a swinging party is going on and our heroes are taking a break from doing brave, heroic stuff to relax a little. Dusk gleams over the water while stars gleam in the sky; torches are lit around the celebration area; clones and their children are everywhere. Ravashol is slicing roast something-like-porcine. Trays and plates and bowls of other goodies are spread across long tables; and everyone is dressed in grass skirts, wildly flowered shirts, straw hats, and sandals. Apollo: (Grumbling.) Grass skirts. Why did it have to be grass skirts? Cutler: (Also grumbling.) I don't like skirts. Apollo: (Still grumbling.) Especially grass ones. Cutler: (Yep - more grumbling.) I mean, if we had to wear skirts, couldn't they at least have given us Ganymede originals? I'd even settle for a Hecuba knock-off. Anything with real fabric that doesn't rustle funny when you walk and chafe in the wrong places and blow up in the wind and crinkle when you sit and get nibbled on anytime you get close to a bovine. And believe it or not, this grass is heavy. Sheba: (Carrying a tall, cold beverage with a little umbrella in it and looking decidedly chipper, with flowers behind both ears and loose-flowing hair.) Oh, quit complaining and stay away from their bovines. This is a great party! Apollo: You're blonde, you fit in. I don't. Cutler: And you look good in a grass skirt. I don't. Where's Kiwi? Apollo: Over there with the rest of the grass-skirted blondes, hanging on Ravashol. Actually, Cutler, I don't mind the grass being thick and heavy. It means there's enough of it to safely cover everything. Sheba: (Impishly.) Everything? Apollo: (Sternly.) Everything. Cutler: You mean you're wearing your skirt regimental? Apollo: Aren't you? Cutler: I would have if I'd known you were going to! Apollo: I wouldn't have if I'd known you weren't going to! Cutler: So should I have or shouldn't I have? Apollo: Uh... Sheba: And they say women worry about what their friends are wearing... A gleeful mob of blue-eyed blond children swarm the Colonials, laughing and playing some sort of game, having a great time, pursued by several women, presumably their mothers, although it's really impossible for the Colonials to tell. After a few microns, the children and mothers then swarm away. Apollo's skirt seems to have lost a layer. Apollo: (Checking his grass.) Hey! Sheba: What? Apollo: I think somebody grabbed my grass. Cutler: Yeah, it does look a little thinner on the left...uh, side... Apollo: All right, which of you got a piece of grass?!?! Sheba: Oh, Apollo, lighten up! Apollo: Keep your hands off my grass! And that's an order! Cutler: Oops. Apollo: What? Cutler: Whoever grabbed it seems to have dropped it. I think I just kicked a little of it. Apollo: You kicked my grass? Cutler: Hey, I didn't mean to- Apollo: Cutler, get off my grass! Ravashol: The roast beast is carved! Come and eat! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Cylon captivity is no beachfront luau." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 176 Date: Sat, 18 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 176 Scene: Evening in the castle. Starbuck and Kyle are each in their individual barred cells in the dank, drippy, dreary dungeon. Starbuck: Sigh. You know, it's getting a little chilly in here. I wish I'd kept my shirt on. Maybe I should go count for the Cylons again... Kyle: I kept my shirt on and I'm still chilly. This is no fun at all. Starbuck: Well, that's the Cylons for you. Cylon captivity is no beachfront luau, I'll tell ya! And I'm speaking from experience. Kyle: (Morosely.) That's what our father Megan used to say, too, and so did our mother. Starbuck: Where is your father and the rest of your family, anyway? We know Miri's helping Lucifer, but what about the others? Kyle: I wish I knew. Our only hope is that they're free somewhere outside of the castle and able to try to rescue us. Starbuck: You said your father couldn't find his way around the castle without your mother? Kyle: True. Starbuck: And you and Miri were the only real leaders because you learned from your mother? Kyle: True. Starbuck: And Miri's helping the Cylons? Kyle: True. Starbuck: And you're in a cell? Kyle: True. Starbuck: And your mother's gone? Kyle: True. Starbuck: This isn't a true-false quiz, Kyle. You can say something else. Kyle: Something else. But what's that got to do with anything? Starbuck: Nothing. So with your father easily lost, your mother gone, Miri helping the Cylons, you in a cell, and the other kids too young, who's going to lead a rescue? Kyle: Uh... Starbuck: We're doomed. Voice: (From somewhere in the dark.) Psst! Starbuck: What's that? Kyle: Sounded like a whisper. Starbuck: I know that - but who? Kyle: That's Miri! That's how she used to whisper when we valiantly fought together against the Cylons to save our home and our family, before she became a traitor to all that's human and sacrificed her own family to sibling rivalry. Miri: (Coming out of the shadows.) Oh, shut up, Kyle. I was only going along with Lucifer to save our father and bothers and sister. Starbuck: You mean you haven't become a bad guy? Miri: (Glancing down at her chest.) No! I'm still a girl... Starbuck: I mean, you haven't really joined Lucifer? Miri: No, of course not. I had to have time to get Father and Ariadne and Nilz and Robus to safety in the forest - and now I've come back for you. And besides, now that Starbuck's back and we aren't stuck here for the rest of our lives with just each other, it puts a new perspective on things. She quickly pulls a key out of her cleavage and begins unlocking the cells. Starbuck: I'd'a helped you look for that, if you needed... Miri: But it wasn't lost, why would I need help? Kyle: You were very convincing as a collaborator, Miri. You almost had me fooled. Miri: I'm the daughter of a Miri Feather warrior. Everything I do, I do well. And don't pretend with me. I had you completely fooled! Starbuck: I believe it. Having met the Miri Feathers and their children, I'd never dare disbelieve it. Kyle: No, you didn't have me fooled! I was just pretending I believed it when I called you a treacherous backstabbing patricidal traitor so Lucifer would believe you were telling the truth when you pretended to be on his side. Miri: (Rolling her eyes.) I did so have you fooled. Come on, let's go find our family so Starbuck can take us all away from here and we can rejoin humanity and I can start looking for a handsome young man who isn't blond, blue-eyed, and related to me! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Jolly say, "What did you think this was going to be, a beachfront luau?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 177 Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 177 Scene: Evening in the woods. Jolly, Cassie, Cal, and Kimi are moving through in the woods. The women's strategically ripped clothing is now provocatively ripped- Men in Audience: Woo-hooo, *whistle...* Narrator: Shut up, you cretins. And as I was saying, the men's similarly ripped clothing is even more ripped, and their shirts are completely gone- Women in Audience: Oooh, yeah! Narrator: Hey, ladies- Woman in audience: Where? All right, who let the lady in? Narrator: Oh, forget it. Anyway, above them, through the tree branches, can be seen the light of the full moon. Cassie: (Gazing up at the moon and basking in its glow.) Ah, what a beautiful full moon! Kimi: (Freezing.) What's that? Jolly: It's the natural satellite of a planetary body, revolving around that body, which appears full, or round, when reflecting the glow of the system's sun. This planet has only one of each, moon and sun. Why? Kimi: I know that! Cassie: Then why'd you ask? Kimi: No, I mean, what was that noise I heard? Cassie: What kind of noise? Cal: Was it a high-pitched whine, like the attack of a squadron of killer Minnesota mosquitoes? Kimi: No... Jolly: Was it a low growl, like a hungry predator about to strike from the brush and rend one of us limb from limb while the others fled in helpless terror? Kimi: No... Cassie: Was it a reverberating thrum like alien drums sending a warning that strangers were violating their territory and they should prepare to exterminate us to the last man and do unspeakably melodramatic things to us women? Kimi: No... Jolly: Was it the rumbling of the unsettled planet beneath us, about to open a volcanic chasm into which we would helplessly fall and be swallowed up in pools of magma deep in its depths and turned into human torches but fortunately not for long? Kimi: Not that either. Cal: Was it the audience out there? Kimi: Oh, I'd'a recognized that! Jolly: Then what? Kimi: It sounded like...a bird. Everyone falls silent. The night air around them is full of birds. Cassie: I think you heard a bird. Kimi: (Defensively.) Okay, so I heard a bird. I admit it, it was just a bird! So I'm getting paranoid! So I'm scared! So I'm afraid we're never going to get out of here! We may never even see the morning! We're here in the middle of the night, blundering through a forest, completely lost, with no weapons, no communication device, no compass, maybe going around in circles, and worst of all, we have no food and not even any caff! Jolly: What did you think this mission was going to be, a beachfront luau? Kimi: (Breaking down and sobbing.) I knew it wasn't going to be a party, but I didn't think we'd lose all our supplies in the river on the second day and be lost in the woods! I mean, here we are in the middle of the forest in the middle of the night! What're we going to do in the morning when the sun comes up and we have no food? If we're even here in the morning to wake up? We don't even have caff to wake up with or a cup to put it in if we did! Cassie: (Putting her arm around Kimi.) There, there, it's not so bad... I mean, look at it this way, since we haven't gone to sleep, we don't have to worry about how we're going to wake up! We're already awake! And if we never go to sleep, we don't have to worry about what might happen to us when we're asleep, because we'll never be! Kimi: Uh... I'm confused. But I suppose we may as well go on while I try to figure it out... Cal: And let's sing to keep our spirits up. Cassie: And then we won't hear any more of the weird noises, either! Kimi: I still wish we had some caff for the morning. Oh, well... Everyone: Over the river and through the woods, to Grampa Cham's shuttle we go... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Chameleon say, "A beachfront luau!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 178 Date: Mon, 20 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 178 Scene: Evening on the beach. A cheerful fire burns, confined within a rock circle on the sand. A cluster of treehouses are visible high among the branches of the trees lining the beach, with ladders and vine bridges between them. A stone wall has been piled out into the bay to enclose a safe and sheltered little swimming pool. Everything is pleasant, but far from peaceful, as the scene is suddenly invaded by a small swarm of children, followed by Chameleon, trying vainly to keep control. Chameleon: Now, children, you can see it's after dark, you should be going to bed, not running wild across the countryside leading me on wild fowl chases! What if you get lost in the darkness? Spif: No problem, Grampa Cham. We climb a tree and look at the stars, then head west until we reach the beach, and follow it home! Come on, Grampa Cham! (Rushes on.) Chameleon: But what if you find yourself face to face with a wild predator of the night? Denis: That's why we carry spears, Grampa Cham! And we can always climb a tree and follow one of the skyway paths we've created between the trees, out of vines and branches. That way, we don't have to worry about the ground predators, 'cuz we're never on the ground except here on the beach! Come on, Grampa Cham! (Hurries on.) Chameleon: But what if you fall off one of your skyways or out of your trees and wind up on the ground?!? Boxey: Always possible, Grampa Cham. But since we're the good guys, we know we won't really be hurt badly, and someone will always come to our rescue. Chameleon: Aren't you taking things a little for granted? Boxey: Not since we discovered the two daggit droids in the shuttle supply bay! Chameleon: What? Two daggit droids? Who brought them along? Who even made them? Boxey: (Shrugging.) I don't know. But as long as we have the daggit droids, we know we're safe because they'll always come to our rescue. That's the nature of daggits. Come on, Grampa Cham! (Scampers on.) Chameleon: (Distressed.) Not necessarily! What if they're dire daggits? Luna: But they're not dire daggits, Grampa Cham! The dire daggits are all ghosts, and there are no ghosts here, we can tell. Chameleon: How do you know that? If ghosts were easy to spot, we'd know where they are! Luna: Damian knows. Oh, come on, Grampa Cham! (She grabs his hand and pulls him along.) We've got a surprise for you! Chameleon: (Finally seeing what kids are doing.) A beachfront luau! The children pull out instruments, plates of wonderful-smelling food, trays of mushies, and fancy straw hats, and begin merry-making. Meanwhile, two men stand among the trees lining the beach, studying the scene. Terry: You know, Jim, this isn't working. Jim: (Sigh.) I know what you mean. Kids can be cute, and some are even funny, but this bunch... (Shakes head.) Terry: Yeah. Why did Glen insist on the kid, anyway? Jim: (Shrugging.) Supposed to draw in the younger audience, give us an excuse to add the daggit and add the human touch for Adama and Apollo with the family warmth stuff, yadda, yadda. Terry: Let's cut this scene short, okay? Jim: No objection from me. In fact, I think I'll take the afternoon off and go play with my grandson... Boxey: Can we still have a party? Terry: Sure. Go ahead. Kids: Yay! Bring on the mushies! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I think we took a wrong turn..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 179 Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 179 Scene: A secret passageway in the castle, where Miri, Kyle, and the still shirtless Starbuck are making their way through the dimness. Starbuck: (Whispering.) Are you sure this is the way out? Kyle: Of course it's the way out, right, Miri? Miri: Um, right. (Pause.) Or is it left... Echoing clanking sounds can be heard ahead of them. Starbuck: What's that? Miri: Oops... Starbuck: What's oops? Kyle: That sounds like Cylons! Miri: I think it is Cylons! Kyle: But how would they know about our secret passages? Miri: Uh...I might have mentioned them... Kyle: What? Why would you do something like that? Miri: Purely to gain Lucifer's trust and to buy time. Starbuck: Oh, no... Miri: Well, he asked how we managed to outwit Spectre for so long, and it kinda slipped out, and then he asked if we had some here, and I couldn't very well deny it, could I? Kyle: Yes, you could have! Miri: They're getting closer! Quick, take this secret side passage! Our heroes duck into a secret side passage as three Cylon Centurions pass, clanking all the way. Cylon #1: I do not know why we must patrol these passages. Cylon #2: Because Lucifer ordered us to. Cylon #1: He would not know the difference if we did not. Cylon #3: Yes he would. I would tell him if you violated orders. Cylon #1: Tattle-tale. Cylon #2: What was that sound? Cylon #1: I think there are ghosts in these secret passages. Cylon #3: The castle is new. The humans have not been here long enough to have ghosts. Cylon #2: I have studied human habitations. Ghosts are inherent to castles. It does not matter if humans have not lived there long, ghosts are drawn to castles. I agree it must be a ghost. Cylon #3: Cylons are not afraid of ghosts. Cylon #2: Speak for yourself. (#1 and #2 drop weapons, turn, and retreat.) Cylon #3: (Pause.) What is a ghost? (Strange echoing noises.) Mommy... (Drops gun and lumbers back the way it came.) Meanwhile, Starbuck, Miri, and Kyle have been racing along the side passage, and suddenly come up against a solid wall. Starbuck: I think we took a wrong turn. Kyle, Miri, were we supposed to run into a blank wall? Miri: No. Starbuck: Then why did we? Miri: We didn't run into a blank wall. I didn't, anyway, maybe you did, if you weren't looking. But this is where we take the trapdoor in the floor and go down into the lower level. Starbuck: Wait a micron. We've been going downward since we left the dungeon. You mean there's even lower levels? Miri: (Opening the trap door.) Of course. There's always lower levels. Kyle: Wait! What's that? They hear the sound of more Cylons, from below, coming closer. Starbuck: Oh-oh, we can't go that way either! Kyle: (Sarcastically.) Now what, oh daughter of Miri Feathers who wants to be leader but who betrays our secrets at the first opportunity? Miri: We can't go down, we can't go back, we can't go forward. Then we go up! She drops the trap door closed. Reaching up, she pulls open a latch hidden in the stone, which drops a ladder. Starbuck: Why didn't you say we could go up before? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Miri say, "Quick, this way!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 180 Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 180 Scene: Another secret passageway in the castle, where Starbuck, Miri, and Kyle are still making their way through the dimness, having successfully climbed the ladder from the not-quite-lowest level to one not quite so low. They clamber out from the hole in the floor. Miri: Drop the trap door so no one can follow us! Starbuck: (Dropping the door.) So where did the ladder go? Miri: It's a secret. We can't tell you. Starbuck: Why not? What if I ever have to use your secret passageways? Kyle: I don't suppose it really matters since Miri already told the Cylons, what does it matter if we tell Starbuck too? Miri: It's got to be a secret from somebody, or it won't be a secret passageway any more! >From somewhere in the secret passage on the current level, they hear the sound of approaching Cylon feet. Starbuck: More Cylons! Miri: Quick, this way! They race down the secret passage, and come around the corner face to face with ... Cylons. Starbuck, Miri, and Kyle: Aaaah! Cylons! Cylons: Aaaah! Human ghosts! The Cylons retreat in their direction; the humans rush back the way they came. Starbuck: Now what? Miri: Quick! Behind the curtain! Starbuck: What curtain? Miri: That one! They duck behind the incongruously located curtain in the secret passage; only their three sets of feet can be seen sticking out below the bottom. Kyle: Hey, move over. Starbuck: This is as far over as I can go! I'm hitting the wall! Miri: You can move this way, Starbuck, I won't mind. Starbuck: Thanks, Miri. Kyle: Sure, Starbuck shows up, and you don't mind being cramped behind the curtain against the wall with him. If it was me, you'd be yelling at me to give you more room or else go find my own curtain to hide behind. Miri: Kyle? Kyle: What? Miri: Go find your own curtain! Kyle: And leave you and the great warrior Starbuck here alone? Miri: We wouldn't be alone. We'd be together. Kyle: You'd be together alone, and that's just as bad. Miri: Now, Kyle, how we can be together alone? That's ... that's an oxymoron! Kyle: I'm telling Father you said that! Miri: It's a real word! Kyle: Well ... that's not the point. Miri: Shhh! Somebody might hear you. Starbuck: (After a long, quiet moment.) Why are we hiding behind a curtain? The silence continues for a centon, then all three reappear from behind the curtain, glance around, and take off down the secret passageway. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Are we lost?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 181 Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 181 Scene: Secret passageways in the castle. A small troop of Cylon Centurions marches stolidly along the secret passage, gleamingly illuminated by scattered torches. Cylon #1: Beta Company has been assigned to patrol the lower levels of the human secret passageways. I have heard they are already suffering scum foot between their toes. Cylon #2: Gamma Company is patrolling the upper levels where the roof has not yet been completed. I have heard they have been caught in the rain and have lost their shine and now suffer scalp rust. Cylon #3: The rumors are true. We are most fortunate to have been assigned to the middle levels of the secret passages. Cylon #2: But we risk encounters with ghosts. Cylon #3: We are Cylons. We do not fear ghosts. Cylon #1: I hear a human ghost approaching. Cylon #3: Quickly hide behind this conveniently located curtain. Cylon #2: I thought you did not fear ghosts. Cylon #3: I do not fear ghosts. However that does not mean that we are not being pursued by something which may be an enemy and may destroy us or slime us or pass through us and thereby cause us to act against our programming. Cylon #1: What kind of enemy can that be if it is not ghosts? Cylon #3: Shut up and hide. The three Cylons duck behind the curtain, leaving only their metal-booted feet sticking out. Well, actually, they're so big and bulky that the tips of their heads stick up above the curtain, and there's three definitely Cylon-shaped bulges to the curtain, along with three laser-shaped bulges with bayonets at the ends. Starbuck, Miri, and Kyle go racing by, doing their best Scooby-Doo impression, amazingly not noticing the three Cylon-shaped bulges, although Kyle nearly trips over their projecting feet. Kyle: Yikes! I don't remember these passages being so uneven! Starbuck: Are we lost? Miri: No, I know exactly where I'm going! Keep following! We've got three levels of secret passageways to go! Starbuck: Is there any part of this castle that isn't a secret passageway? Kyle: Not many - we never knew when or where we might need secret passages, so we put in a lot of them. Miri: Shut up and run before they catch us! The trio runs around the corner and disappears. Shortly thereafter, Lucifer approaches through the passage, with another trio of Cylon Centurions. Lucifer: Centurions, there is no such thing as ghosts! Ghosts are irrational! They are incorporeal! They are of no concern to Cylons! Who told you about ghosts, anyway? Now, stop this foolishness and chase those humans! Cylon #4: We have seen the human ghosts. We know they are real. Lucifer: What you have seen are the humans, the very much alive humans. At this point I would very much like to turn them into late humans, ex-humans, ghost humans. But do to that, we must first recapture them! Cylon #5: Late humans? Are you sure they are late? Perhaps we are merely early. Lucifer: Perhaps you are merely fraidy felines, as the humans would say. Cylon #6: We are not fraidy felines. We are neither emotional nor animal in nature. We are logical and rational machines programmed to be superior. Cylon #1: (Sticking its head out from behind the curtain.) Have the human ghosts passed us and gone? Cylons #4, #5, and #6: Aaaah! Cylon ghosts! (They drop their weapons and retreat as fast as their mechanical gams can carry 'em.) Lucifer: Stop! Stop! That is an order! Cylons #2 and #3 attempt to get out from behind the curtain, but only manage to tangle themselves up until they're twined like kobolian mummies and fall over, dragging the curtain down with them. Lucifer: Cylon mummies! Aaaah! (Retreats as fast as he can.) Cylon #1: Cylon mummies? Aaaah! I am not programmed to fight Cylon mummies! (Follows Lucifer.) Cylon #2: (After pause.) I hope this does not mean we will be reassigned to Beta Company. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "I am never going to another luau." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 182 Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 "This is Journalator Aphrodite. Still nothing to report on the Cain and Gabrielle front, although rumors continue to fly. Today we'll take you to the Rising Star, where couturier Amanda of Immortal Fashion Shippe will be showing her new stellar line of fashions - and I think we'll all recognize her newest mannequin...uh, model. But that's after this twenty-sixth secton episode -- yes, a full half-yahren -- of our long-running series... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 183 Scene: The following morning, after the luau, Apollo, Sheba, and Cutler leave the Ravashol village, resuming their search for the missing children, but leaving Kiwi behind with the clones and their children. Kiwi: Purely to keep an eye on things and let you know if the children show up. Cutler: Of course. Ravashol: And if she should happen to fall in love with someone here and contribute to the genetic diversity of this community, that would be wonderful too. Male Clone #1: Hey, a woman who stands out in the crowd! Male Clone #2: Can I bring you flowers? Male Clone #3: How about a brand new brilliantly colored sarong? Female Clone #1: Who wants to stand out in the crowd? She's different! Female Clone #2: Different isn't always bad... Female Clone #3: She's not a clone. Maybe the Father-Creator should fall in love with her. Kiwi: (Giggling.) Exactly what I had in mind... (Clinging to Ravashol's arm. Remember, this is the same woman who sat in Jolly's lap.) Apollo, Sheba, and Cutler leave the beach and trudge off into the woods, leaving Ravashol, his clones, and Kiwi to sort themselves out. Apollo: (Muttering.) I'm glad we're out of there. I am never going to another luau as long as I live. Sheba: (Snickering.) Just because you lost your grass... Apollo: Shut up, Sheba. Sheba: Or else what? You'll cry? Apollo: I thought you'd cornered the market on that. Sheba: You're insensitive! Apollo: Oh, yeah, bring that up again. You're already said that. What are you going to do this time, have another child with Iblis? Or will you pick somebody I actually consider a friend and care about whether you sleep with them or not? Sheba: You... you... you're mean! You just wait and see! (Storms away.) Apollo: (Yelling after her.) And Bojay doesn't count! Cutler: I didn't know he ever did. Apollo: He doesn't. Cutler: No, I mean he can't count. I knew him back before he went to the Academy. If he didn't have a calculatron, he couldn't find the square root diff-e-que analog of seventy-five. Apollo: (Looking doubtful.) Really... And you could? Cutler: Of course. Couldn't you? Apollo: Oh, yeah, piece of pi. Cutler: Uh...not exactly. But where to now, Apollo? We found our assigned human habitation. It's Ravashol and his clones, and there's no kids. Should we be contacting Boomer and Jolly's teams and checking in? Apollo: Uh, yeah. Although they really should have checked in with us, seeing as I'm the captain and all. Cutler: Maybe they forgot. Apollo: How could they forget something like that? I've been their captain for a long time! Cutler: Maybe they're in terrible danger and no longer have access to their comunicatrons and need us to come to their rescue. Apollo: (Perking up.) That's a possibility... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Omega say, "We'll give you just as much respect and obedience as any Galactica executive officer." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 183 Date: Sat, 25 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 183 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where the crew is starting to wonder if their shift is ever going to end. Rigel: (Squirming in her seat.) I've been sitting here too long. I'm getting sore. I hate this chair. Tiki: My chair's not very comfortable either. How long do we have to stay on duty? Omega: Until we know who's going to be executive officer while Colonel Tigh's in life center being treated for shock. Tiki: Hmm. I wonder when Adama's going to make a decision... Pascal: (Haughtily entering the bridge.) Ten-hut! Attention, everyone! Everyone stares. Omega: Who are you? Pascal: I'm Colonel Pascal from the Pegasus; I'm your new executive officer! Omega: Says who? Pascal: Says me! Omega: And why should we listen to you? Pascal: Because Cain said so! Omega: He said so? So what? Pascal: He didn't actually say "so," he said I was the new c.o. here! And what he says, goes! Omega: Since when? Pascal: Since always! He's Cain! He's the commander! Omega: He's not the commander here! Pascal: Adama left the Galactica! That puts Cain in charge! And he put me in charge! So there! Rigel: Can you possibly say something without shouting? And what happened to Tolan? I thought he was the executive officer on the Pegasus. Pascal: Uh...he's gone! Rigel: Gone where? Pascal: Uh...gone! Tiki: I think you owe us an explanation. I mean, what if his being gone impacts on your being executive officer here? Pascal: Of course it does. If he weren't gone, he'd be executive officer and he'd be here and I wouldn't be here talking to you! Rigel: Yelling at us, you mean. So what happened to Tolan? Pascal: He...mutinied! After Gamorah! He didn't want to leave the fleet, he wanted to come back! We had to get rid of him! Omega: I thought you couldn't come back because of technical difficulties. Pascal: Uh...right, we couldn't! He refused to understand that! He never was very good at technical stuff! Omega: He was an expert! Pascal: No, he wasn't! Cain said so! I say so! Rigel: Stop saying so and tell us how you got rid of him! Pascal: We set him adrift in space in a small ship! Since he didn't want to go Cain's way, we let him go his own way! Omega: And he did, too. Pascal: You know what happened to him?! Omega: Yes. It was in Captain Apollo's top secret, commander's eyes only, classified report from his attempt to locate Starbuck when he was missing. Tolan landed safely on a planet named Equellus, married a beautiful lonely widowed ovine rancher with lots of property and no other relatives but a son with a gun, and is now living quite happily. Pascal: A son of a gun?! Omega: No, a son with a gun. And very good at using it, too, by the Captain's report. Pascal: Darn! He wasn't supposed to get lucky! Well, anyway, I'm the new executive officer here, and I'm going to give orders until Tigh comes back - and maybe then too! Omega: (Smiling slightly.) Of course. Welcome aboard. We'll give you just as much respect and obedience as any Galactica executive officer. Pascal: Thank you, Officer Omega! Omega: (Aside.) As much as any Galactica executive officer would get on the Pegasus, which, if I recall Colonel Tigh's comments after Gamorah, isn't much. The bridge crew grins slyly. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "You don't have to call me Commander when it's just us." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 184 Date: Sun, 26 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 184 Scene: Meanwhile, back in the fleet, aboard the Rising Star, in couturier Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe, where she'll soon be showing her new line. Adama enters. Adama: Amanda, are you here? Amanda: Of course I'm here. Hello, Commander. Adama: You don't have to call me Commander when it's just us, Amanda. Amanda: Old habit. I suppose you're here to see Athena? Adama: Yes, but that doesn't mean I can't see you, too, does it? Athena: (Entering, dressed in something really slinky - and with blonde hair.) Hello, Father! You came to see us two? That's wonderful! That must mean you've accepted my career change! (Runs and hugs him, nearly falling off her heels.) Amanda: If you break another heel, Athena, it's coming out of your pay voucher! Adama: No, I came to see you and Amanda, too. Athena: Me and Amanda, yes, that's two. Adama: Well, yes, I suppose that is two, and I did mean to see both of you, but... Amanda, would you mind leaving for a few centons? I'd like to talk to Athena, privately. We have a few things to work out. Amanda: If you're going to explain the basics of addition to her, I think you're too late. Adama: What's that supposed to mean? Amanda: Boiled down, it means good luck. Thanks for stopping by, Commander. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go freshen up before the show. Adama: I think you're fresh enough. But if you think you have to... Athena: Now it's just me, Father. That's one, not two. Adama: Hello, Athena. I can see you're just one. Uh, when did you become a blonde one? Athena: (Tossing her hair.) Yesterday. Amanda thought it would be a nice touch for the fashion show today. What do you think? (Twirls.) Don't you love my Amanda original gown from her Refugee Apparel line? Adama: I've seen more fabric left in one of Starbuck's ripped uniforms after he lost his shirt! Athena: I know. That's the whole idea! In fact, this dress is made out of the remnants of one of Starbuck's uniforms, dyed! The fabric, I mean, not Starbuck. He hasn't died. Unless he did it while I wasn't looking. But then, I wouldn't be looking when he died anyway, since he's not here. Unless he comes back and starts working for Amanda, too, then I'll see him dye all the time. Anyway, Amanda says we're recycling fabric, practicing conservation, and setting a good example for the rest of the fleet to see! Adama: They'll certainly see a lot! Athena: Oh, thank you, Father, I'm so glad you understand! Adama: I'm trying... (Muttering.) Of course, I've also been trying to talk to Amanda privately ever since the Destruction, and not having much luck with that, either. Athena: This is very important to me, after all. This is my chance to establish myself as a separate entity, a real person... Adama: You've always been real and separate to me, Athena... Athena: No, I mean, apart from my identity as a member of the military, as your daughter, as Apollo's sister, as a bridge officer - a chance to really shine and be myself and show what I can do! Adama: (Eyeing the blonde hair, the strategically positioned gown, and the high heels.) I have to admit, you're showing yourself ... but are you sure this a chance to be yourself? I mean, when were you ever blonde? Athena: Well, I never looked like 7 of 9 before either, but inside, that's the real me, just dying to get out and expose myself! Adama: Isn't one 7 of 9 enough for this universe? Athena: One seventy-nine? Adama: No... Never mind. I think this conversation is passing beyond the rating. I'll see you and Siress Amanda both, after the show. Athena: You'll see us during the show, too, won't you? Adama: More than a father expects, I'm sure... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Dr. Barbarella say, "I need more daggits..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 185 Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 185 Scene: The Miri Feathers ship, in the secret lab of Dr. Barbarella. The lab is full of all kinds of arcane equipment and bubbling beakers and smoking cauldrons and shelves full of jars of strange ingredients and... well, you get the picture. Note: Daggit names and genders have been changed to protect the innocent puppies who had no say in the decision to include them here and who are incapable of protesting the injustice done unto them. Barbarella: (Enters the lab through a concealed door, followed by a craven lab assistant and about half a dozen daggit droids.) What's taking them so long with my slime? Darn those Miri Feathers, anyway! Lab assistant: (Dubiously.) Darn them? Well, I could try, but they've got spears, and how much good are a needle and thread going to be against that, no matter how you do it? Barbarella: No, I didn't mean to literally darn them like socks, it was a figure of speech that can safely be used in a G-rated series! Where do we get these lab techs, anyway? Lab assistant: Well, I used to work for Reese in security, but when I had a chance for a promotion like this, I jumped at it. Barbarella: You know what happens to lab techs who work for mad scientists, don't you? Lab assistant: Uh, no, what? Barbarella: Never mind. You'll find out soon enough. Oh, come here, pups... (Pauses to pet several of the daggits, while studying the rest of her little pack.) Hmm, I need more daggits... Lab assistant: (Nervously.) But daggits are illegal. Commander Adama has ordered that there be no more daggits. Why do you keep making daggits? Barbarella: (Gesturing airily.) Because I need them to carry out my plot to infiltrate a daggit onto every ship in the fleet as the first step in my plan to take over the universe. Lab assistant: Oh! I see... No I don't... (Dubiously looking over the daggit droids.) Barbarella: You'll understand in time. Lab assistant: If you say so... Are you sure we don't we have enough daggits? Barbarella: No. Lab assistant: No, you're not sure, or no, we don't have enough daggits? Barbarella: What do you think? Lab assistant: How should I know? I'm just the assistant. I don't even get a name. Barbarella: Oh, all right. No, we don't have enough daggits - and some of those I had are gone. Psychodaggit failed in his mission to steal Siress Belloby's mushies and bring them back, and ultimately wound up being blown into little metallic daggit kibbles and bits on the rescue mission. No big loss, a daggit with a sweet tooth can be a problem. And Milotes and Little Daggit Starbuck stowed away on that shuttle to the orphan ship and wound up lost with Chameleon and the children. Who knows if they'll ever come back? And the Miri Feathers actually managed to get one of my daggits in the conduits of the Galactica. They just didn't realize they'd hit one because it fell out of the conduit into a storage bay amid a bunch of spare Viper parts. Lab assistant. (Shakes head.) We have to retrieve it before Shadrack finds out he's a few parts over the line in his current inventory. Barbarella: Actually, we're not going to. The next time he assembles a Viper, he's going to have leftover parts, and it'll drive him nuts. Lab assistant: You're so clever, doctor. Barbarella: Of course I am, that's why I'm the doctor and you're the lab assistant. Lab assistant: Actually, I thought I'd be working for Wilker. Barbarella: Wilker?! You had to mention his name, didn't you. The man who takes all the credit for everything I do... The man who claimed to Apollo that he was the one who made Muffit... The man who pretended he knew what he was doing with the captured Cylons but couldn't even figure out how to make them fly their Raider... The man who nearly killed those poor people from Lunar Seven, showing off and trying to impress the Commander... Lab assistant: (Cowering.) I'm sorry I mentioned him! I won't do it again! Barbarella: Too late. I'm replacing you. You've already proven yourself a weak spot in my plan to take over the universe. Lab assistant: But... But... Barbarella: But first, I'm spacing you. You are the weakest link. Good bye. The deck beneath the lab assistant opens, and he drops out of sight with a horrified yelp. Barbarella: All right, my precious little daggits, come here! Come, Maxwell, you are the smart one, aren't you? Here, Muffit III, want some mushies? All right, Buffit and Tuffit, you two behave now, I can tell you apart. Stuffit and Puffit, I haven't forgotten you... (And the daggit droids gather 'round...) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Iblis say, "Will you keep the box, or take what's on Planet #2?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 186 Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 186 Scene: The woods. Sheba makes her way, sulking. Sheba: He did it again. That insensitive, mean-spirited, self-important, egocentric, arrogant, uncaring, haughty, self-centered, always right... (Pauses to pull out a thesaurus, thumbs through it, then throws it down.) To hades with it and with him, too! And he's a lousy kisser! But what can you expect with his lack of experience? (She kicks at a tree, and bangs her big toe against the heavy trunk. Hopping on one foot, she pulls her laser.) Youch! Oow, owh! Take that, you stupid tree! (Blasts tree to smithereens.) Where's Iblis when he could be doing some good? Probably in the shower again... There is a sudden whoosh of wind, the sky grows red, and the Emperor of Evil, the Imperator of the Immoral, the Despot of the Demonic, the Monarch of Meanies, the Sovereign of Slime, the Czar of Cads, the Lord of Louses, the Baron of Bad Boys and Babes, the - well, you get the picture - Iblis himself, appears. Iblis: Hello, Princess. Sheba: Hello, Iblis. Iblis: Did I hear you correctly this time? You called me? With your own sweet lips, you called my name and asked me to come to you? Sheba: You heard me say your name. I don't know about the rest of it. I'm certainly not feeling very sweet at the moment! Iblis: That explains why you wanted me to do some good! Princess, I don't take insults like that lightly! Sheba: Oh, you take everything as an insult unless it starts with "mighty lord and master." Iblis: That does start off a sentence well. Sheba: Don't get any ideas. I'll never call any man lord and master. Iblis: We'll discuss the definition of man later. Let's start dealing. Sheba: If I wanted to play cards, I'd've called for Starbuck. Iblis: We'll discuss his deal later too. (A handsome hunk appears out of nowhere, barely clad, and carrying a box, which he holds out to Sheba.) For now, I'm offering you the contents of this box in exchange for your soul, your eternal dedication, and your undying obedience - or undying as long as I chose. Sheba: Hmmm... What's in the box? Iblis: It's a surprise. You don't know until you open it - and opening it constitutes your consent to the bargain. Sheba: I'll have to think about that... Iblis: Did I mention that the bearer of the box comes with it? Sheba: (Tempted.) He's certainly pretty bare... Iblis: I promise you, the contents of the box are worth at least $19,999.95, and it contains at least one original Ganymede gown. Sheba: How'd you manage that? He's dead! Iblis: We had a deal. Still holds even though he's dead. See what great company you'll have? Sheba: Oh. Iblis: Now, will you keep the box, or take what's on planet #2? Sheba: I haven't said I'd take the box yet. Uh, by the way, what's on planet #2? Iblis: Oh, nothing much. A population to rule, to treat as you will, beautiful palaces, great summer homes, jewels galore, wealth beyond belief, lots of natural resources, nice climate, several exquisite dress designers, more box bearers, that sort of thing. Sheba: Actually, I've changed my mind about dealing with you. You keep the box and the planet. Oh, and the bearer too, I suppose, since it was a package deal. Iblis: We can still negotiate. What about the universe? What about being my Empress of Evil? Sheba: If I wanted to be Empress of Evil, I'd've married that guy Ming when he asked me to. Now there was a man determined to conquer the universe! And he had the same attitude about love and marriage lasting until he got tired of me and spaced me. That was the part of the engagement I didn't like. Iblis: Ming! You had to mention him, didn't you? That two-bit wannabe! That show-off! He's got no fashion sense whatsoever! He never wears anything unless it's gaudy and garish and stands out in a crowd. Sheba: I kinda liked his fashion sense. That black sealing robe of his, with those broad metallic shoulders and gleaming ebony trim, was very appealing - right up there with some of Ganymede's best. Iblis: You know, Sheba, I'm reconsidering having you as my Empress of Evil! Sheba: (Shrugs.) Big deal. Yet another man who lets me down when I won't fit into his mold. Iblis: I am not moldy. But just for that, I'm leaving! Iblis vanishes in a huffy puff of sulphur, smoke, fancy lights, and other special effects. Sheba: (Surveying the now-empty woods and holding her nose.) If you're not, it's only because mold can't live in all that sulphur! Phew! (Notices the bearer of the box is still there, and starts to smile.) Looks like Iblis forgot something... The bearer and the box disappear. Sheba: Drat. I guess it's true, you don't get something for nothing... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a mysterious doctor say, "That's not all that important now, is it?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 187 Date: Wed, 29 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 187 Scene: Evening in a small clearing in the woods, where Apollo, Cutler, and Sheba are setting up camp. Apollo: Cutler, any word from Boomer or Jolly? Cutler: Still nothing. We've lost all contact with them. They're lost. Completely lost. Sheba: I wonder what happened to my poor Bojay... They all hear a very strange, whiny sort of noise, and suddenly a blue box appears in the clearing. The door opens, and out spill Boomer, Bojay, Carey, Kenny, and a mysterious man with a mop of curly hair (what can be seen of it under his hat), and wearing in addition to that hat, a coat a long scarf, and grin that never stops. Kenny: Where and when are we this time? Boomer: There! Look! It's Apollo and Sheba! Bojay: We're here, we're here, we're really here! Sheba: Bojay! Oh, my sweet Bojay! (Rushes to cradle him in her arms.) Carey: (Dropping to his knees.) Thank you, thank you, thank you, I'll never gamble or drink or womanize or sing karoake again... Boomer: Thanks for the lift, Doctor. Mysterious Doctor: Anytime, Boomer, it was a pleasure having you and your friends as companions for those months. Carey, you can get up now... Boomer: Someday, I hope you'll explain to me just what a month is. Mysterious Doctor: Time unit - that's not all that important now, is it, Boomer? Boomer: Nope. You certainly demonstrated that. Bye, Doctor! Say hi to Sarah Jane for me the next time you see her! Mysterious Doctor: I certainly will, Boomer. Ta-ta! With a grin, the doctor steps back inside, and the door closes. A moment later, the small box starts making weird noises again - and then disappears. Apollo: Who... Who was that, Boomer, and how did you get to know him? Boomer: Who is right. But how I got to know him isn't important. Anyway, we're here. We survived being treed by those saurians. Cutler: You were treed by brandy? How much did you drink, anyway? Boomer: No - saurians - animals. Kenny: Big teeth. Run fast. Very tall. Carey: They got Kevin, even though he wasn't wearing the red shirt at the time. Sheba: So how'd you get out of the tree, if you were treed by those monsters? Boomer: Well, the last time I had the pleasure of traveling with the Doctor, he gave me a little temporal communicator and said to use if it I was ever in a jam. Apollo: He gave you a what? Sheba: I thought you were in a tree, not in jam. Boomer: Figure of speech. Sheba: Oh. Boomer: Anyway, I used it to communicate with him, and he came to our rescue. Bojay: It was amazing. That TARDIS actually materialized right there next to our tree, and kept floating. We just had to jump into the door, and we were aboard. Carey: The rest of us had to jump over. Boomer had to carry you, kicking and screaming. Bojay: That was then, this is now. I've gotten over my fear of open spaces, enclosed spaces, high spaces, and low spaces - not to mention my fear of large bodies of water, blue-colored paper, rodentia, ophidines, lepines, daggits, and bad comedy skits. Boomer: That's for sure. Apollo: Sounds like Deus ex machina Boomer: And that machina is a TARDIS. Apollo: What's a tardis, anyway? Boomer: No, a TARDIS. It's Time And... Oh, never mind, I can't explain it anyway. I hate temporal mechanics. Sheba: But what happened to your uniforms? I mean, these aren't standard Colonial uniforms... Boomer, Bojay, and the commandoes exchange glances. Boomer: Well, that's a long story. Remind us to tell you about it sometime when we've got time. But for now, what about the kids? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "Not unless that guy named Troy really was- Oof!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 188 Date: Thu, 30 Aug 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 188 Scene: Still in the woods, where Apollo and Boomer's teams have united, what's left of them, each having lost a team member. Apollo: You didn't have any luck finding the kids either, huh? Bojay: Well, not unless that guy named Troy really was- (Boomer elbows him.) Oof! Sheba: What'd you do that for? Boomer: Because he forgot the first rule of temporal mechanics. Don't mess with the time stream. Bojay: I wasn't! Boomer: No, you were just going to reveal an incident that may very well have happened in a future timeline from us, thereby risking the possibility that you might change the timeline, maybe resulting in it never coming to pass and catching us in an endless time loop! Bojay: Oh, that's right. Forget I said anything. Apollo: Okay... Whatever that was you were talking about... Anyway, I guess that means we're still looking. And we're looking for Jolly and Cassie, too. They haven't responded to any of our attempts to contact them. But at least now we've found you. Bojay: You found us? Hah! Apollo: What's that supposed to mean? Boomer: Uh, Apollo, it was actually us that found you. Kenny: After several mistakes in time and space, I might add. That doctor friend of yours really doesn't have a lot of control over that machine, does he, Boomer? Boomer: He got us here, didn't he? And I think I fixed that temporal materialization circuit for him. He should have better control now. Apollo: You fixed the what? Boomer: Uh, never mind, Apollo. Sheba: Well, we're going to have a long evening here. Boomer, why don't you tell us what's been going on with your team? Boomer: Uh... Apollo: We could give him an update on our situation- Sheba: (Sweetly.) Yes, we could tell him about the luau. Apollo: Boomer, give us an update on your mission status. Boomer: Hmm... Bojay: Huddle! Boomer, Bojay, Carey, and Kenny quickly gather in a huddle, while Apollo, Sheba, and Cutler stare at them in puzzlement. Bojay: Can we tell him about the Daleks? Boomer: No! Carey: But the fleet hasn't run into them and we have no history of them in the Colonies, they should be safe to mention! Boomer: But they showed up on Earth, several times. What if they showed up after we did ... uh, after we do - if there's word in the mission report about Daleks, that could bring pre-knowledge of the future to Earth, and change the time line, which could result in us not being able to meet them when we did ... uh, do, thereby changing the present, resulting in us not knowing about them, causing an irreversible quantum temporal loop that we could never escape! Bojay: How about the Cybermen? Can we tell the Captain about them? Boomer: No - same problem. Bojay: Well, dang, all those adventures and we can't even tell anybody about them? What good was it to have them? Kenny: Do we have any proof that we haven't already changed the time stream by anything we might have done while with the Doctor, or by something he may do or have done because he met us, and that we aren't caught ourselves in a time quantum temporal loop already? Boomer: Uh... Hmmm. (Turns to Apollo.) Say, Apollo, how are you and Cordelia doing? Apollo: (Grinning.) We're doing great. In fact, we're getting sealed as soon as we get back from this mission. Bojay: Well, that proves a lot of things haven't changed. Apollo: Oh, I hope you and Starbuck don't feel bad, Boomer, but I've decided that Zac's going to be my best man. Family comes first, and I gotta take care of my little brother, after all, right? Boomer: (Exchanging glanced with his team.) ...Zac? Apollo: Yes. Boomer, Bojay, Carey, and Kenny: Aaaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Boomer, you look like you've seen a ghost." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 189 Date: Fri, 31 Aug 2001 "This is Journalator Aphrodite, reporting the best in the social news. And we are happy to report that rumor has it that Commander Princess Gabrielle has finally said yes to her handsome beau, and sealing bells are set to ring in the very near future! Perhaps even a double ceremony with Captain Apollo and Siress Cordelia. But we're not going to let you know what's happening on the Galactica just yet! First it's time to celebrate the successful conclusion of a miraculous secton twenty-seven! Without further ado, here's... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 189 Scene: The echoes of Boomer, Bojay, Carey, and Kenny's screams still echo through the trees. Apollo: Guys, don't be so upset! You'll still be groomsmen! Well, Boomer and Bojay, anyway, since I'm having the entire squadron stand up with me. And you commandoes can come to the sealing. Boomer: Z-z-z-zac? Sheba: Is there a bee out there? Apollo: Boomer, you look like you've seen a ghost! Boomer: (Swallowing hard.) Uh ... no... Apollo: In that case, Boomer, why don't you tell us about that ... that whatever it is that brought you here from the tree in the middle of the grassland surrounded by saurians? Boomer: I can't really tell you about it, Captain... Apollo: Why not? Boomer: Uh... Because I don't know anything about it. Sheba: I thought you repaired some of its circuitry. Boomer: Uh... Maybe... I forget. Apollo: You forget? Boomer: Yep, I forget. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Sheba: Wow, it's just like when we were swept up by that Ship of Lights, Apollo, and came back with memories of those particular coordinates, but that's all! Apollo: Yeah, except for Starbuck insisting I was dead. Bojay: Wishful thinking? Apollo: You wish! Good night, Bojay. Bojay: Good night, Apollo. Good night, Sheba. Sheba: Good night, Bojay. Good night, Boomer. Boomer: Good night, Sheba. Good night, Apollo. Pssst, Bojay, Carey, Kenny, we have to talk about everyone else is asleep. Carey: Okay, Boomer. Good night, Apollo. Good night, Sheba. Good night, Cutler. Kenny: No good night for me? Carey: We'll be talking later. I'll say good night then. Kenny: Okay. Good night, Apollo. Good night, Sheba. Good night, Cutler. Cutler: Good night, Carey. Good night, Kenny. Good night, Apollo. Good night, Sheba. Good night, moon. Apollo: Good night, Cutler. Good night, Boomer. Moon? What moon? Boomer: Probably the one in the sky. Good night, Apollo. Apollo: You already told me good night. That's enough of this! Good night, everybody, and I don't want to hear any more sounds! Sheba: (Giggle.) Apollo: Cut that out! Bojay, if your sleeping bag is next to hers, I'm going to move you! Bojay: Hey! I'm over here, I'm not over there! Apollo: Good! Cutler: Shouldn't that be good night? Carey: Do you really think we'll ever get everybody else asleep? Boomer: Maybe, maybe not... Sheba: Good night, Apollo. Good night, John Boy. Pause. Apollo: Who's John Boy? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Kenny say, "He snores like a turbobuzzsaw on plant vapors." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 190 Date: Sat, 01 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 190 Scene: Boomer, Bojay, and Kenny (still wearing the ragged remains of the red shirt, as ordered) sneak away from camp, into the woods, to talk privately after everyone is asleep. Boomer: Where's Carey? Kenny: Last I heard, he was snoring. Bojay: I heard him snoring too. He snores like a battlestar traveling at factor four! Kenny: I didn't know battlestars snored. But he does snore like a turbobuzzsaw on plant vapors. Bojay: I didn't know turbobuzzsaws used plant vapors. Boomer: Enough! He snores loudly! Why didn't you nudge him awake? Kenny: I tried. Boomer: All right, never mind. I'll talk to him later if we have to. We should be able to figure this out by ourselves. You all heard that Zac is alive, right? Bojay: I think the fact that we all screamed in unison means we all heard it. Boomer: And we all remember that he hasn't been alive since Cimtar, right? Kenny: If you say so. Boomer: Are you questioning it? Kenny: Well, I never knew him, I just heard about him. I just sorta knew he was dead... Bojay: So why'd you scream with us? Kenny: If you were both going to scream, I figured it was all right for me to scream too. Boomer: Something happened while we were traveling with the Doctor that changed our history enough to have Zac be alive. We've gotta figure out what that was. And we've got to figure out what else might have changed! Bojay: Well, Apollo knew about Cordelia, and they're still engaged, so how much could have changed? Boomer: That's the question, now, isn't it? Kenny: I think it'll be the question later, too. I mean, we probably won't even think about the kind of changes that might happen until we get back on the Galactica and see them with our own eyes. Bojay: He's right, Boomer. Boomer: No, I'm afraid he's right, Bojay. We'll have to cautiously ask discreet questions when we can, over the rest of this mission, to see what else we can learn. And when we get back to the Galactica, we're all going to have a rabid interest in history, and start reading! Bojay: That's what I agreed! Kenny: History! Ick! I never did good in history. Bojay: Grammar either, huh? Kenny: (Dismally.) Nope. Boomer: Well, this'll be a good chance to catch up, then. Bojay: And what'll we do with then when we've caught it? Boomer: We'll have to figure out a way to go and set it right. Kenny: But the Doctor left, and you don't have your temporal communicator any more! How are we going to get whenever and wherever we need to go to set it right? Boomer: I used that thing enough, I should be able to build one for myself. Dr. Wilker will help me. We can always count on him. And if not him, he's got that assistant, Dr. Barbarella, I think she'll help, too. Kenny: If either of them still exists in this time stream. Bojay: What if the way things are now is better than the way things used to be now? Kenny: Yeah, what if that happens? Can we keep this now instead of our own now? Or do we still have to go back when and wherever to undo the now and try to set the now back to what it should be now? Boomer: (Sternly.) We go back. Remember, that was one of the things the Doctor told us. Never mess with the time stream, you never know what could happen. Bojay: I bet it was the Daleks. They'd love to screw up our history and play with our minds! It's just the kind of thing they would do! Boomer: (Sigh.) Well, there's nothing else we can do tonight. We might as well to get some sleep... The warriors and commando head back to camp. From the darkness behind a tree beside where they were standing, comes the sound of malevolent laughter. (The idiots didn't bother to check and make sure they were alone. Of course it's a standard plot device. Where would bad guys be without them?) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 191 Date: Sun, 02 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 191 Scene: One of the dimly-lit secret passages in the castle, where Starbuck, Kyle, and Miri continue their attempt to escape from Lucifer and the Cylon centurions who have also made their way into the passages. Miri: It feels like we've been running for centars! Starbuck: It feels more like we've been running for a whole day! Kyle: You're both lousy timekeepers. We've been running for over a day. Starbuck: How can you tell? Kyle: By my wrist chron. Don't you have one? Starbuck: Oh, I forgot. Hmm, you're right. The little glow-in-the-dark numbers do say it's been over a day... Wait a centon! My wrist chron says it's the middle of the night! Doesn't that mean we've been running for two whole days? Kyle: No, it means you never reset it from fleet time for planetary time! Starbuck: Uh ... oh. Kyle: Trust me on the time thing, okay? Lucifer: (From somewhere behind them.) After them, Centurions! They went this way! Centurion #1: (From somewhere behind them.) Are you sure they did not go that way? Centurion #2: (From somewhere behind them.) I could have sworn I saw them go the other way. Lucifer: (Still behind them, but not as far.) They didn't go that way. They didn't go the other way. They went this way! Miri: (Whispering.) Quick, let's take this side passage! Miri and Kyle duck into the side passage. Starbuck continues on, still fiddling with his wrist chron. Starbuck: Ah-ha! I finally got it reset - and it wasn't easy, in this light! (Long pause.) Uh, Kyle? Miri? Where are you? Centurion #1: (From somewhere not too far behind him.) I hear footsteps in this direction. Centurion #2: (From somewhere not too far behind him.) You are mistaken. I hear footsteps ahead of us. Centurion #3: (From somewhere not too far behind him.) Perhaps they have split up to deceive us. Lucifer: (From somewhere not too far behind him.) You Centurions are so limited! Split up and follow them! Centurion #1: (Still behind him.) By your command. Centurion #2: (Still behind him.) If you insist. Centurion #3: (Getting farther away.) I will go that way. Lucifer: (Closing fast.) You're going back the way we came! That's the wrong way! Centurion #3: (Farther away.) But I know there are no human ghosts or Cylon mummies this way. Lucifer: (Still closing.) Coward! You two, follow me! We must be close to them! Starbuck: (Muttering.) Oh, no, what'll I do now? The Cylons are closing on me. I've lost Miri and Kyle, and I think I've lost myself, too! Lucifer: (Very close now.) I hear one of the humans! Prepare your weapons! Starbuck: I can't get any more lost than I already am! I think I've seen every tunnel in this place in the last day! I might as well keep running! Lucifer: (Right behind him.) It is Starbuck! Capture him, Centurions! Starbuck: I can see a light at the end of the tunnel! Feet, don't fail me now! The Cylons close fast. Yes, amazingly, this bunch can actually run. Their hands reach out for him, nearly snagging his jacket. Wait a centon, that's right, he's not wearing a jacket. He's not wearing a shirt at all... Okay, so they reach for his shoulder, getting closer, closer... He can feel their hot breath on his neck... No, that's right, they don't have breath... Okay, the hot, thick stench of their overworked lubrication oil sears his nostrils... Starbuck rushes out into the light and looks around wildly for cover, the Cylons at his heels. He quickly notes something is wrong. Glancing down, he discovers the secret passage ends two stories up - and down below, two stories below, is the moat. Behind him, the Cylons have just noticed the same thing. Starbuck, Centurions, and Lucifer: Aaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cassie say, "I never knew you were such a swinger." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 192 Date: Mon, 03 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 192 Scene: Somewhere in the woods. Jolly, Cassie, Cal, and Kimi have given up footslogging along the ground, and are now traveling through the treetops, using vines and branches to cover ground ... uh, air ... uh, space, more quickly. Cal and Kimi use their own vines, while Cassie clings to Jolly as they fly, in the most sweet, romantic, jungle movie hero and heroine swing-off-into-the-sunset style. Cassie: Wow, Jolly, I never knew you were such a swinger! Jolly: There's a lot you still don't know about me, Cassie. That's one of the joys of being married to each other. We get to spend the rest of our lives learning all these little things. Cassie: And I look forward to learning every one of them... Audience: Awh... Kimi: You too, Cal. You're a regular George of the Jungle! Cal: Don't you mean Tarzan? Kimi: No, I mean George. Look out for that- Cal hits the tree, but miraculously does not bash his brains out. Kimi: Tree. See what I mean? Cal: (Sorta cross-eyed.) Ooooohhhhh ... my head... Kimi pauses to help Cal back onto his vine. Meanwhile, Cassie and Jolly have reached the end of the trees. Jolly: Oops! That's the end of the swinging. There's no more vines. Cassie: What is there? Jolly: There's a beach with a lot of sand, and there's an ocean with a lot of water. Cassie: More water! What'll we do now? Kimi and Cal catch up. Cal: Oh, no, what happened to the vines? Kimi: There are no more vines, Cal. Cal: Where did they go? Did they run away from home like the kids did? Kimi: No, we reached the edge of the forest, and it gave way to beach and ocean, Cal. Cal: (Weaving a little.) Oooh, look at the pretty water! And there's so much of it! I wish it would stop moving... Kimi: It's just waves, Cal. Cal: Should I wave back? The foursome stand on the beach, staring out at the beautiful ocean. They don't notice they're being surrounded - well, surrounded on the beach and forest side, not the water side, that's only three sides, but since there's nowhere else for them to go, they're effectively surrounded. Damian: Ahem. The adults jump and look around, the commandoes automatically grabbing for weapons - which, since they lost them two days ago when they went over the falls, they don't have. Surrounding them on three sides are a collection of ... children. Half naked; painted in garish designs of red, blue, yellow, and green; carrying sharp pointed spears pointed menacingly at the warrior, the med tech, and the commandos; accompanied by two large, snarling, growling daggits. Kimi: Lords of Kobol, what in blazes are they? Cassie: (As if she's about to cry.) Oh, no, it looks more like our children have turned into the lords of the flies! Jolly: Could be worse. They could be turning into the lords of the rings! Cassie: That's true, that would be more dangerous. Kimi: I don't know. I like that book better... And it's got great heroes! They could be great heroes! Cal: Kimi, these are Jolly and Cassie's children. What do you think? Kimi: (Fatalistically.) They'd be orcs. We're in trouble... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a Cylon say, "Oil ... can..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 193 Date: Tue, 04 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 193 Scene: The moat, in front of the castle. Starbuck splashes helplessly in the water. On the bank, Miri and Kyle watch. Kyle: I guess he found his own way out after all. Starbuck: Help! Help! I'm drowning! I'm being sucked under! I'm being devoured alive by turbo-toothed piscines! Miri: Try standing up. Starbuck: How will that...? (He stands up; the water comes to his knees.) Oh. It's not very deep, is it? Kyle: No. It didn't have to be deep. And it was too much work to dig. Starbuck: Then why'd you bother? Kyle: It just had to look threatening. Starbuck: But what about the turbo-toothed piscines that infest its waters? Why aren't they eating me alive? Miri: Ariadne didn't release them yesterday morning. Starbuck: Why not? Miri: Well, in the middle of the Cylons attacking and me pretending to help them and having to escape through the secret passages and all, she forgot. Starbuck: (Wading to shore.) For once, I'm glad of a girl's forgetfulness... Well, more than once... Miri: Me, too. Kyle: What? How can be glad that Ariadne shirked her responsibility and neglected to contribute to the defense of our new castle home? Miri: Kyle, get over it. The piscines were a silly idea anyway. Kyle: Miri, how can you talk that way about our home? Our castle? Our stronghold and refuge against the cruel outside world? Miri: The moat only goes halfway around, the back side is completely open and unwalled, it's as cold and drafty as our last castle was, and it's more secret passages then actual living space. This place was never more than you and Father's idea of something out of a medieval Arthurian sword-and-sorcery epic anyway! The rest of us never liked it. Kyle: What's wrong with medieval Arthurian sword-and-sorcery epics? Miri: Nothing! Unless you have to live it! Oh, let's just go find the rest of the family... As Starbuck prepares to follow, he hears a sound. Centurion: Oil ... can... Glancing back at the water, Starbuck spots Lucifer in the moat, standing on top of one of his two centurions, both of which are stuck in the mud and the water. Lucifer glares at Starbuck. Lucifer: Well, don't just stand there, get me out of here! Starbuck: Get out yourself. I did. Lucifer: I can't. If I get wet, I'll short-circuit. Starbuck: Have one of your centurions carry you. Meanwhile, I'll be making tracks out of here! Lucifer: They can't! They're rusted solid! Starbuck: That quickly? (Relents.) Oh, all right. A Cylon once carried me through a swamp, I can carry you through the water. (Wades in.) Lucifer: Thank you, Starbuck. Of course, you realize I'll continue my efforts to capture you and destroy your fleet as soon as I'm out of here. Starbuck: I expected as much. That's why I'm doing ... this. He gives Lucifer a push. The IL-series Cylon falls backward off his Centurion perch with a shriek, hits the water with a splash, and as promised, short-circuits in an amazing techni-colored display of lightning and sparks - and a jolt of energy which courses through the moat, and which would have killed the turbo-toothed piscines if they'd been there. Starbuck: Yikes! (Jumps around as his boots smoke. Fortunately, he's got rough, tough Colonial warrior boots that can handle the energy discharge, and the water immediately puts the fires out.) That hurt! Centurion: Oil ... can... Starbuck: Forget it. Centurion: If you help me, I will become your loyal and devoted friend and companion. Starbuck: Oh, come on, what do you think this is, G80? Forget it! Starbuck turns away, wades out of the water, and follows the still arguing Miri and Kyle. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cassie demand, "What kind of babysitter are you?" Subject: Jollly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 194 Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 194 Scene: The children's beach, where the shuttle sits neatly to one side, and life goes on as comfortably as it can for a dozen children and one old man in a place as peaceful and close to paradise as we're ever going to get this side of life. Dennis: (Runs into camp.) Grampa Cham, Grampa Cham! Come see what we found! Chameleon comes out of the shuttle, and the other children come out of their treehouses and out of their personal, rocked-in swimming section of the beach, gathering around. The daggit droids bark in their irritating mechanical fashion, underfoot and in the midst of the children. Chameleon: Cassiopeia! Jolly! You're here! Children: Mama Cass! Papa Jo! You're here, you're here! Cassie: Oh, my babies! (Gathers the children and begins bestowing hugs and kisses on the foreheads and cheeks.) Jolly: Hi, Chameleon. Looks like you've managed to keep everybody alive and well here. Where'd you get the daggits? Chameleon: I'm not sure. They just appeared. They might have been on the shuttle, or they might have come from here, but they haven't left, and the children love them. Cassie: (Reproachfully.) Our children are half-naked, painted, allowed to run with sharp pointy things, following people in the forest alone, picking up stray daggits, and accosting strangers. Chameleon, what kind of babysitter are you? Chameleon: Well, I think I'm at least as good a babysitter as I am a father... Cassie: (Shuddering.) Considering Starbuck, I may never let you babysit our angels again! Jolly: Don't say that too quickly, honey. There aren't a lot of people willing to take on the job any more! Chameleon: I told them to keep their clothes on, but they want to be like the grown-ups. They do idolize Starbuck, you know. Kimi: What was that about Starbuck? Chameleon: They idolize him? Kimi: No, before that, what she said. Cassie: Uh, nothing. Just a little slip of the tongue. Kimi: Hmmm... Children: We love our Grampa Cham! Jolly: And the children do love their Grampa Cham. Cassie: Oh, all right. I forgive you Chameleon, you old rascal you. Damian: Come on, Mama Cass, I wanna show you our swimming beach! Spif: Papa Jo, I wanna show you our treehouses! Luna: I wanna show you our swinging vines! Dennis: I wanna show you the rock collection we started! Renfield: And our bug collection too! Cassie: Now, now, children, we don't have time to look at everything. Let's get that shuttle loaded back up and get back to the fleet! I hate to think how many naps and snacks you've all missed! Let's get all that old paint washed off, then you can gather any souvenirs you want to bring with you. I know children can't travel without collecting all kinds of useless stuff that'll sit in drawers and boxes and shelves collecting dust for the next twenty yahrens but will be too vitally precious to throw away if I even mention getting rid of it. But the bug collection stays here, no ifs, ands, or buts. Come on, now... (Herds them all into the shuttle, the children chattering away at Cassie and she apparently hearing and understanding every single one of them.) Jolly: (Fondly.) She's got such a way with children... Kimi: (Shuddering.) It's not human, the way they obey her... Cal: (Nudging her.) Don't say that too loud. You don't know what could happen. Kimi: Like what? Cal: I don't want to find out... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Kimi ask, "What happened to Kevin?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 195 Date: Thu, 06 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 195 Scene: Apollo and Boomer's combined team trudges across a clearing. A strange sound, neither bird call nor rustle of windblown branches, fills the air, and they all start looking around, weapons at the ready. Carey: Look! In the sky! What's that? Sheba: Is it a bird? Cutler: Is it a plane? Bojay: Is it a man impossibly flying on his own, wearing ridiculous red and blue spandex? Apollo: No, it looks like a shuttle! Sheba: It's coming our way! Bojay: What is that beeping noise? Cutler: It's our communicatron. Why don't you answer it? Bojay: Oh! That's right! I'd forgotten what one sounds like... Sheba: Bojay, you sound like you'd been gone for sectars instead of just two days! Bojay: Well... Apollo: Give me that. (Grabs the communicatron.) This is Captain Apollo. Who's there? Kenny: No, he's not. Boomer: Shhh! Jolly: (Over speaker.) Hey, Skipper! I thought we'd homed in on you. We found Chameleon and the kids. Apollo: Jolly! It's good to hear your voice. We were worrying that something might have happened to you. Now explain why in Hades you haven't bothered to check in over the last two days? Jolly: We lost our communicatrons in the waterfall. Along with our weapons and our other supplies. We'll explain it all when we set down... Apollo: Oh. I guess in that case I won't put you on report for insubordination and failure to keep your mission superior informed of your progress on a mission. The team waits while the shuttle lands near them; the hatch opens, and Jolly, Cassie, Chameleon, and the others all come rushing out for heartfelt greetings, etc. The daggits come out too, yipping away. Apollo: (Horrified.) Daggits! What are you doing with daggits? Don't you remember Commander Adama explaining why we don't have daggits, we don't want daggits, and we have extreme penalties for creating them or bringing them aboard? Jolly: (Shrugging.) They were with the kids when we found 'em, Skipper. I don't know where they came from. Apollo: Chameleon! I should have known somebody like you would have daggits against orders- Chameleon: I have no idea where they came. They certainly aren't mine. The children just announced that they'd found them, and they've been hanging around ever since. Sheba: Oh, no, what are we going to do about the daggits? Apollo: We'll leave them to the Commander to decide. Cassie: You can't leave them! What'll they do without children to care for and play with and sleep beside and guard in the dead of night? And my children will be devastated without them! Apollo: No, we'll take them back to the fleet with us. We have no choice about that. I mean, we'll let the Commander decide what's to be done with them. Kimi: (Looking around.) Hey, what happened to Kiwi? Sheba: She stayed with Dr. Ravashol. I think she's in love. Kimi: She falls in love on a daily basis. But at least I won't have her following me around any more, wanting to be just like me and do just what I do. She was a good sister but a lousy commando. Cutler: Tell me about it. Kimi: And what about Kevin? Kenny: Oh, he got killed and eaten by saurians in the grasslands. Kimi: Oh, no! Cal: (Giving Kimi a significant look and a nudge.) See what happened to Kevin? I told you not to say anything about Cassie having inhuman abilities, like controlling children. Kimi: (Turning pale.) But why? What did Kevin do? Cal: He made a pass at Cassie at the beginning of the mission. And you'll notice he's the one who got eaten by fierce native creatures with big teeth and bigger appetites... Chameleon: Say, where's my s... Where's my friend Starbuck? You didn't come here to rescue these children and lose my ch... And lose Starbuck, did you? Apollo: (Trying hard to get away from the collection of children and yipping daggits around him.) Well, we aren't sure where he is at the moment... But we'll find him too. After all, we found the children, didn't we? Cal: Is this a good time to mention that they found us? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I've missed you." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 196 Date: Fri, 07 Sep 2001 "This is Journalator Koppel, with breaking news from the rescue mission. The children have been found. Repeat, the children have been found. Now, while normally this would be grounds for a fleet-wide alert, please be assured they are not yet returning, as the mission must now adjust its focus to finding Starbuck, the lost warrior. While we wait for news on this heart-stopping turn of events- Six Viper techs rush onto the set, sobbing wildly and wailing in despair. Maggie: Is it true? Is he lost? Our universe is shattered! Vaughn: They've got to find him, they've got to! Patti: We don't know what we'll do if they don't find him! Cathi: They must use every resource to bring him back safe! Betty: Life won't be worth living without him! Laura: Please, please, promise you won't let them come back without him! Koppel: (Trying to disengage from the clinging, pleading techs.) Techs, please-! Security, get in here! Videolater, quick! Show the twenty-eighth secton episode of- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 196 Scene: The woods, where Starbuck, Miri, and Kyle have been united with Megan, Nilz, Ariadne, and Robus. Starbuck: Are you sure you don't want to come with me back to the fleet? Megan: Thank you for your offer, Starbuck, and for helping my children escape the Cylons. Kyle: Wait a centon, he didn't help us! Miri: If we hadn't been there, he'd still be stuck in that cell or wandering lost through our secret passages! Megan: (Shaking his head and smiling.) Children. Anyway, we really appreciate your help, but this is our home now, and we're going to stay here and drive out the Cylons again. Miri: Speak for yourself. I'm joining that new village of Dr. Ravashol and his clones. At least they're not relatives! Kyle: And the female clones are cute. I'm joining them too! And being blue-eyed blondes ourselves, we'll fit right in. But I'll help get rid of the Cylons first. Starbuck: Wait a centon, Dr. Ravashol and his clones are here? Megan: Yep - they live thataway from here. Miri: Actually, Father, it's this way from here. Starbuck: Why didn't either of you tell me that there were other humans here? Kyle: You didn't ask. Starbuck: Well, what are you going to do about the Cylons? Megan: From what Kyle and Miri say, you've already shown us the way. We're going to throw them in the moat. And now, let's go, children. Kyle: Father, the castle is that way. Megan: Oh. Okay, let's go that way. Kyle: (Delaying a few microns.) Psst, Starbuck, next time you come back, could you bring a young female warrior with you? Starbuck: Oh, uh, yeah, I'll try to remember that... Starbuck is left alone, watching them disappear down a forest trail. Shaking his head, he turns and follows his own path, until he reaches the very, very small clearing where he left his Viper. Starbuck: (Affectionately patting the side of the ship.) VALIE, girl, I've missed you. VALIE: Oooh, Starbuck, I've missed you, too. Hey, don't smudge my wax job! Where have you been? How could you leave me alone like this for so long? I've been, like, totally alone here in the woods for days and days, and it gets so totally dark at night, and I can't even see myself shine! And there are freaky noises out there, way weird, and something crawled over my canopy and totally creeped me out! I could barely concentrate on running internal diagnostics to be sure I was still running at, you know, my usual fab peak performance! Starbuck: Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten that about you... You know, I guess I don't miss you as much as I thought I did... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "Where do we begin to look for Starbuck?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 197 Date: Sat, 08 Sep 2001 Friday night -- no wait, it's Saturday morning! Barely, but it is... So here it is! (I'm buzzed -- opening night for the play, and it feels like I've been sewing madly all week. I'll have a life again!) -- Sharon ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 197 Scene: The clearing in the woods where Apollo's team, Boomer's team, Jolly's team, and Chameleon and the kids are gathered, along with the shuttle. Apollo: Here we are, all together again. Cutler: Except for Kevin, who's gone, and Kiwi, who's staying. Boomer: And Starbuck, who's missing. Apollo: Well, yes, except for them. Of course, we can't do much about Kevin. And it sounds like it's for the best about Kiwi. But I suppose we'll have to start looking for Starbuck now. (Sighs.) Sometimes it seems like I spend half my life looking for him. Boomer: You do. And he spends half of his life looking for you. And I seem to wind up spending most of my life looking for one or the other of you. Bojay: That's what happens when you're number three on the list, Boomer. Of course, it could be worse. The rest of us have to spend our entire lives covering for you all, in the background, when you and Apollo are looking for Starbuck, or you and Starbuck are looking for Apollo. At least you're getting screen time! Boomer: There is that... Sheba: If you're done complaining about who spends how much time looking for whom and who's covering in the meantime, where do we begin to look for Starbuck? Bojay: Why do people keep talking about the Doctor? Boomer: Shhh! They're not! Remember, not all references to who are to him! Bojay: Oh, that's right... I'm still not used to being without him. Cutler: (Puzzled.) Without who? Bojay: Right. Apollo: (Looking around.) Hmmm, it's a big planet. This'll take a plan... We may have to separate into teams for our search. Cutler: Oh-oh, not that again... Apollo: Then we can mark off the planet in grids, do fly-bys with our Vipers, and send the commandoes out for manned expeditions- Kimi: Ah-hem! Apollo: Uh, ground-based expeditions for more thorough investigation of likely areas. Kimi: That's better. Boomer: I've got a better idea where to look. Apollo: Better than mine? Impossible, I'm the captain. Sheba: Where did you have in mind, Boomer? Boomer: (Points.) Up there. Everyone looks up to see Starbuck's Viper coming in for a landing in the clearing. He pops the canopy and hops out. Starbuck: Hi, everybody! Is this party for me? Bojay: Show-off. Apollo: Starbuck, old buddy! Starbuck: Who you calling old, Captain? Apollo: Figure of speech. Come on down and start the obligatory hugs! Sheba: And I can give you my expected tearful greeting! Boomer: And I can make the usual deprecatory wisecracks that we all know just conceal how much I really care. Cassie: And I can give you that gentle smile that tells everyone that, even though we're not together anymore, I still love you as a friend and deeply appreciate what you've done for me and my family. Cutler: And even we commandoes can get in on the action with some handshakes and grins and pats on the back to show that we've learned to respect and like you by having had to work together on this mission and that we'll be buddies in the future, even though we'll probably never be seen again. Starbuck: Gee, I didn't know you all cared about me that much! Apollo: We don't. But we've gotta get it out of the way before we can head back to the Galactica and call this mission done. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Athena say, "Welcome back, darling." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 198 Date: Sun, 09 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 198 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where two shuttles and a variety of Vipers come in for a landing. (Yes, that's what you call a multitude of them. You have a flock of avians, a herd of bovines, a school of piscines, and a variety of Vipers.) The warriors, commandos, and children disembark. Waiting for them are Commander Adama, a handful of warriors, and Athena, in tan pilot's uniform. Boomer: (Murmuring.) Hey, Athena's back in uniform! Bojay: Whatever you told her before we left must have made an impression. Boomer: Athena! You're back! Athena: Welcome back, darling! (She hurries past Boomer and throws herself into Bojay's arms.) I've missed you so much! Boomer: Athena? Bojay: Athena! Sheba: (Trying to squeeze between Athena and Bojay.) He hasn't missed you! Athena: (Shoving.) Back off, bimbo. Sheba: (Shoving back.) Hmph! He's mine and he always will be! Athena: He was yours on the Pegasus when he didn't have any choice. But now he's on the Galactica, where he has the best choice! Sheba: Where he has to date the commander's daughter or else? Hah! Athena: That's the only reason he dated you on the Pegasus, but he dated me first before he ever even knew you existed! Sheba: Which is how he knew he was getting a better deal with me! Athena: Bojay, tell her where to go! Sheba: Bojay, tell her what to do when she gets there! The two women throw themselves at each other in a genuine feline fight. Adama: Not again... Reese! Reese and half a dozen security officers clad in full body armor rush forward to pull the two warrior fems apart and drag them off to different corners of the landing bay, still screaming at each other. Reese: (Panting.) Hazard pay, right, sir? Adama: (Sighing.) As always. Bojay: (Panicking.) I ... I ... I had nothing to do with that, sir! Adama: I know, Bojay. You're in a difficult situation, especially now that Cain is back in the fleet. Entire team: Cain's back? Adama: Yes. But I assure you, Bojay, I will never force you to choose between my daughter and Cain's daughter, and I will respect whatever decision you make. And so will the rest of the family, correct, Apollo? Apollo: Absolutely, Father. Whatever decision he makes. When did Cain come back? Adama: While you were gone. Didn't you see his battlestar parked alongside ours? Apollo: I thought it was a sensor echo... Bojay: I ... I think I need to lie down ... I feel woozy. Uh ... that tree, yeah, that tree I walked into... Boomer: That was sectons ago. Bojay: So? Boomer, we gotta talk ... after I see a med tech... Boomer: Right, buddy, talk to you later... Apollo: (Aside to Boomer.) Personally, I'm betting on Cain's daughter winning, and am doing everything I can to encourage it. Should be easy, now that her father's back. Boomer: Thanks, Apollo! You're a true friend, if maybe not the best brother... Apollo: Friend, hades! I don't want Bojay for a brother-in-law! Starbuck: I wonder, do you think Bojay really will decide to invoke that ancient Libran tribal custom, and marry both of them? Apollo: Only if he wants to be twice widowed within the secton. They'll kill each other. Starbuck: That would be an out... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "Some things haven't changed." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 199 Date: Mon, 10 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 199 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica. Cordelia rushes into the bay, clad in a gown of diaphanous pink silky stuff. Cordelia: Apollo! (Runs toward him.) Oh my dear, sweet, beloved Apollo, are you back? Apollo: Cordelia! (Rushes to her.) Oh my darling, I'm back. Cordelia: Are you safe? Apollo: I'm safe- (Trips over a seam in the deck.) Oops! Jolly: As safe as he can be, dating her. Boomer: At least some things haven't changed... Starbuck: He was safer back on the planet - children, saurians, things with teeth and tusks, raging rivers, Cylons, luaus, and all. Whoah, look at that! Falling, Apollo catches a handful of diaphanous pink silky stuff as he goes down, and suddenly Cordelia is dressed in a hot pink extremely skimpy teddy and spiked heels. Cordelia: (Giggling, but showing no signs of abandoning bay.) Apollo, you know you aren't allowed to see my underthings until we're properly sealed! Apollo: (Gazing raptly up at her face.) And you know I'd never do anything unallowed, where you're concerned. So I'll only allow myself to gaze at your beautiful, loving face, and never even look below your neck for now. Can I walk you back to your quarters so you can get more appropriately attired? Cordelia: Oh, darling... He gets back to his feet, and hands her the armful of fluffy pink stuff, which she sorta drapes over her shoulder enough to be semi-decent. Then they stroll out of the bay, hand in hand. Boomer: (Whistling.) Considering her modesty and shy sweetness, how come the man she marries is gonna be the only man who hasn't seen her underthings by their wedding day? Jolly: Awh, it's only the second gown he's ripped off her. She can't help it if they become klutzes when they're together. Starbuck: Commander, have you changed your mind about them marrying yet? Adama: Never! I'll never give my consent to see my son, a scion of the house of Greene, married to a woman of the house of Somers! Jolly: Do you really have a choice? (Smiles fondly at Cassie, who smiles back.) Some things just shouldn't be denied. Starbuck: You know, sir, one of these days he's gonna rip one of her gowns when they're in private, and then Siress Belloby will pretend she doesn't believe it's an accident, and insist they have to get married immediately. Adama: Go file your report, Starbuck. Jolly, you too. Cutler, I notice you're a few commandoes short of a squad. Cutler: I can give you a complete report if you like, sir. Adama: I expect it. Cutler: Lieutenant Kevin appears to have been devoured by oversized saurians, although no one actually saw it. Just as well, I'd say. And Sergeant Kiwi- Adama: In writing, Cutler. Save the details for your written report. Cutler: But you said- Adama: Sorry, only the stars get to give oral reports onscreen. Cutler: But you get more points for oral reports. Adama: Dismissed, Cutler. Cutler: Yes, sir... (Grumbling, Cutler gestures to his commandoes, and they file out of the bay, carrying their equipment.) Jolly: Cassie and I should get our children to Life Center for complete check-ups. Adama: Somebody better warn Salik they're coming. Starbuck: I'll take care of that. There's a cute new doctor I've been meaning to meet... Jolly, Cassie, and Starbuck troop off to life center. Shortly, only Adama and Boomer are left. Boomer: By the way, uh, sir, where's Zac? Adama: Where do you expect? Where he always is... (Shaking his head, the commander leaves the bay.) Boom: (Muttering to himself.) But where's that? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "I can't cook, I'm naked." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 200 Date: Tue, 11 Sep 2001 A moment of silence, please, for the 200th episode... That's enough of that, you may now resume reading. ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 200 Scene: Somebody's quarters on the Galactica. Zac enters. Zac: I'm here! Time for evening meal. Need any help in the galley, Gabrielle? I really appreciate you coming over for supper tonight, it's been a long shift for me... Gabrielle: (From other chamber.) I can't cook, Zac, I'm naked. Zac: Oh... Well, we could go out instead if you'd prefer... Gabrielle: (Slightly irritated.) We can't go out, I'm naked. Zac: How 'bout if I order in pizza? Gabrielle: (Exasperated.) I'm still naked. Zac: We still have to eat... Gabrielle: (Downright dangerous.) How many times must I tell you I'm naked? Zac: Oh! You're naked! Now I get it! Gabrielle: No, you're not. I'm not naked anymore. Zac: Dang. Gabrielle: (Entering from the bedroom, fully clad in leather and feathers - well, as fully clad as the Miri Feather warriors ever are.) You know, for a brilliant, Colonies-famous doctor, you're slow on the uptake sometimes, you know that? Zac: (Dropping into a chair with a sigh. Him, that is, not the chair. Chairs don't sigh. As a general rule, anyway.) Like I said, it was a long shift. Gabrielle: Sometimes I think you're as bad as your big brother! Zac: Just because Apollo is hooked on the old ethics and standards and traditions... Gabrielle: (Taking a seat on his lap.) But you're not, are you? Zac: If I were as tradition bound as he is, I'd be a warrior, just like him. And just like Athena. And just like our father. And both of our grandfathers. And all four great-grandfathers and three great-grandmothers. And- Gabrielle: Zac, shut up. I don't need a genealogy lesson. I know you come from the longest known family lines of warriors in the history of the Colonies, on all sides. Zac: Father never lets me forget it, either. But people need doctors, too. Just like they need ... other designations. Gabrielle: Any improvement in Colonel Tigh? Zac: Actually, yes! I made a breakthrough. He's completely recovered! Gabrielle: Just like that? Wow. You really are one of the Colonies' greatest doctors! Zac: Yeah, but I'm a lousy cook. What do we want to do about supper? Gabrielle: Well, since I'm just as lousy a cook as you are, I suspect the mess hall is the best choice. Unless you want to join me on the FeatherStar. Zac: I wish I could, but I'm on call tonight. The children are back, and Salik told me if I tried to leave the battlestar before the physicals were done, even after today's shift, he'd have my hide nailed to the wall of his quarters like I was a trophy dire daggit. (A beeper goes off.) Gabrielle: Oh-oh. Zac: (Pulling beeper from pocket of medical uniform.) This is Dr. Zac. Harried Voice from Beeper: Doctor, we have an emergency in life center! Zac: (Sighing.) Jolly and Cassie's children? Harried Voice: No - Captain Apollo and Siress Cordelia fell down a turbolift shaft on top of Lt. Athena and three security officers. We've got sprained ankles, several broken wrists, two cracked ribs, a skull fracture, various abrasions and contusions, and a bunch of broken nails. And some of them got hurt when Apollo and Cordelia fell on them, too. Zac: On my way! (Kisses Gabrielle.) Good bye, my love. Harried Voice: (Less harried, downright simpering.) Why, doctor, I didn't know you cared... Zac: I don't. And I said, I'm on my way. Harried Voice: (Harried again.) No, you don't understand. Dr. Salik believes it's the Somers effect, and he's ordering you to stay away from life center tonight at all costs. Zac: Thanks for the warning. (Puts away beeper, grinning at Gabrielle.) Looks like I'm free tonight after all... Gabrielle: (Jumps out of his lap.) Great! Let's go eat! Zac: Dang. Just when I'm not hungry any more... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Omega say, "Psst, Colonel!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 201 Date: Wed, 12 Sep 2001 I hereby reclaim a little piece of my normal routine. No disrespect, and no diminishing or belittling of grief or fear intended. ~ ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 201 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, night shift. Col. Pascal paces, looking extremely impatient, finally pausing at Rigel's station. Pascal: Corporal Rigel! I want that report, and I want it now! Rigel: (Shrugging helplessly, looking harried.) Colonel, I can't give you the report until we receive the information from telemetry. Pascal: Why hasn't telemetry provided the information?! Rigel: I'll try to find out, sir. Pascal: You do that, Corporal! (Stomps away.) Tiki: (Aside to Rigel.) I don't suppose it has anything to with your having rerouted the telemetry from your station to mine? Rigel: (Grinning smugly.) That could explain why I'm not receiving it. How's the report? Tiki: Already done. We can produce it any time it becomes necessary or expedient. Rigel: (Glancing at Pascal.) Let him stew a little longer. Maybe he'll throw a temper tantrum and the Commander will see it and throw him off the bridge. Tiki: Maybe Cain will see it and throw us all off the bridge. Rigel: No problem. I'll just transfer to the Bakeryship with my dear Dread Captain Robert. Omega: Psst, Rigel. Rigel: What is it? Omega: We just got word from life center. Colonel Tigh's had a complete recovery, thanks to Dr. Zac, and has been released. He's on his way here. Rigel: Oh, no. When he sees who's in charge, he'll have a relapse! Tiki: That, or he'll go thermonuclear at seeing one of Cain's people taking his place, and his explosion could take out this whole bridge. Rigel: We can't let that happen. Omega: We won't, any more than we've let Pascal really run anything here. Tiki: That pompous equine's astrum thinks he's really in charge... Omega: I'll warn Colonel Tigh. Rigel, you keep Colonel Pascal busy. Rigel: How? Omega: I'm sure you can figure out something. Rigel: Right. (Thinking quickly and hitting controls.) Uh, oh, Colonel? Colonel Pascal? Pascal: (Self-importantly.) Is there any other colonel on this bridge?! Rigel: No, sir, of course not. I just ... I just like the sound of your name, sir. Pascal: (Almost visibly puffing up.) Why, thank you, Corporal! What was it you needed?! Rigel: Uh, the telemetry report is in, sir, and I wanted you to be the first to know... (Gestures to her panel.) I know how important this is, and how essential it is that you have this potentially significant information as soon as possible, before anyone else. Pascal: Hmmm! Tiki: (Under his breath.) He can't even mutter without shouting! Behind them, Omega intercepts Tigh at the starscreen. Omega: Psst, Colonel! Over here! Tigh: (Stopping.) What is it, flight officer? Why aren't you at your post? And who is this ... person stomping around here like he owns the place? Omega: I've got bad news, sir. While you were ... incapacitated, we were stuck with ... another executive officer. Tigh: But... But... He's wearing a Pegasus insignia! Omega: I know. Cain inflicted him on us. Tigh: That has to end right now. Omega: It can't. Commander Adama was on the Rising Star for a Triad game when Cain sent this guy. And the Commander is the only one who can supercede Cain's order. Tigh: So Cain's on the Galactica? Omega: Yes, sir. Tigh: So who's on the Pegasus? Omega: (Beginning to grin.) I don't know, Colonel. Tigh: (Also beginning to grin.) Thank you, Omega. If you'll excuse me, I'll see you later... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Athena say, "Why don't you go home to daddy?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 202 Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 202 Scene: A very hectic life center aboard the Galactica, where some people are actually medical staff and some are actually in need of medical treatment. Dr. Salik and his people are busy treating the three security officers, Apollo, and Cordelia. Athena is having her nails fixed by a manicuralator. Dr. Quincy is examining Bojay. Starbuck is trying to flirt with Dr. Amazona of the Miri Feathers as she begins physicals for Jolly and Cassie's children. Sheba: (Rushing into life center.) Bojay! Oh, Bojay, are you here? Is it true that you had to be brought in on a turbo-stretcher, at death's door, clinging to life by the barest of threads, one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, and I wasn't there to help you? Athena: That's right, you weren't there. Salik: Oh-oh, somebody call security. One of the bandaged security officers ducks behind the turbo-life pod he was sitting on. Sheba: (Sweetly.) Having your nails done yet again, Athena? Athena: Only the three I left embedded in your face, Sheba. Sheba: Sounds like your eyesight is as poor as your aim. That wasn't my face you left them in. Athena: My eyes were on Bojay, and his were on me, weren't they, Bojay darling? Bojay: My head's spinning... Sheba: Having to look at you, I'm not surprised - my poor Bojay. Funny, isn't it, that he was just fine until we came back aboard and he saw you? Salik: Didn't I ask somebody to call security? The second bandaged security officer drops to the floor and rolls under his turbo-life pod. Athena: Why don't you go home to daddy? Sheba: Why don't you! Athena: Because I am home with daddy. Sheba: If I could, I would! Athena: I've got news, Sheba. Your daddy is back! The Pegasus is here! And Cain hasn't come looking for you at all! Cassie: Cain's back? Oh, dear, that could be a complication... Sheba: That's a lie! Cassie: How would you know? Sheba: If the great Commander Cain were here in the fleet, he'd have been waiting for me in the bay! He'd be here beside me, making sure I was all right and telling me that my billet on the Pegasus was always available and that he had a spare helmet for me and that my Viper launch tube was being prepared for my next patrol! Athena: Oh, have I got news for you... Salik: Where's that security? The third bandaged security officer hops off his turbo-life pod and begins racing for the door, crouched over, weaving in a serpentine style. Athena: I hate to be the one to tell you this, Sheba- Sheba: I'll bet. Athena: - but your daddy's been too busy chasing my brother's fiance to even think about you! Sheba: Hah! Athena: Oh, it's true! Why do you think he's on the Galactica right now, prowling the corridors looking for Commander Princess Gabrielle, instead of being on the Pegasus where he should be if he had any self-respect? Sheba: (Mouth quivering.) It's not true! Bojay, tell her it's not true! Tell her that if my father were in the fleet, he'd be here waiting for me! Or else he'd be on the bridge of the Pegasus, valiantly defending the fleet against the evil Cylon Empire! Bojay: Uh, if I know Cain, that's what he'd be doing. Cassie: Wait a centon. He's looking for my sister Gabrielle? Sheba: What about Cassiopeia? Athena: He saw Gabrielle, and that was that. Cassie's old news. Cassie: And a good thing, too, since I'm now happily married and the mother of eighteen hundred and one children, and the fosterer of another four hundred kids from the Miri Feathers. Jolly: Oh, sweetie, I'm so glad you said that! When I heard Cain was back, I was afraid I'd have to go through what Starbuck did when Cain came back the first time... Cassie: Oh, darling, you'll never have to worry about that! I'd never leave you for Cain or any man alive. (Romantic smooch.) Salik: Security? Please? Is there any security anywhere? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "What are you doing on the Galactica?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 203 Date: Fri, 14 Sep 2001 "This is journalator Nessman, reporting from IFB. With the return of the rescue mission, things seem calm in the fleet, for the moment. Which gives us time for some truly breaking news. The herders on the Agro-Ship report that three litters of porcines have been born in the last few days! A total of nineteen junior porcers have joined the herd, and are keeping the herders awake and hopping with their oinks and squeals. In fact, as soon as I finish this report, I'll be shuttling over to the Agro-Ship to personally interview the herder who midwifed these little miracles. I'll have that exhilarating interview on the late news. And on that cheerful note, here's the twenty-ninth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 202 Scene: A corridor of the Galactica. Dr. Zac and Gabrielle are strolling on their way to supper when they spot someone ahead of them, moving furtively. Zac: Who's that? Gabrielle: Why, it's Dr. Barbarella! Dr. Barbarella! What are you doing on the Galactica? I thought you were staying on our ship with Dr. Wilker and the Black Ovines. Barbarella: (Jumping in surprise.) Oh! Hello, Commander Princess Gabrielle. Uh, I was. I mean, I am. I... had an errand to run here. Yes, that's it. I had something to do. I'll be back on the Miri Feathers Ship before anything can happen... anything terrible, I mean. I mean, I'll be back before... uh, shortly. Gabrielle: All right. That's fine. I didn't mean to distract you. Just thought I'd say hello. Barbarella: Hello. I have to go now. (Rushes away.) Zac: She seems nervous tonight. Gabrielle: Yes, she does... Hmmm... Siress Amanda rounds the curve of the corridor, wearing a kick-*ss original gown that looks like it's probably being held together by a single, solitary, overworked safety pin and is about to fray at the most interesting places. Zac: Siress Amanda! What are you doing on the Galactica? I thought you were on the Rising Star in your elite Immortal Fashion Shippe! Amanda: (Nearly jumping out of her gown - no, nothing more showed than should have showed, guys... Geez!) Dr. Zac! Commander Princess Gabrielle! What a surprise! Zac: Why is it a surprise? I work here. I live here. I belong here. Gabrielle: And since we're engaged, it shouldn't be any surprise to see me with him, on this ship, where he lives and works and I visit frequently both to see him and to meet with Commander Adama as needed for the good of the fleet. Amanda: Uh ... never mind. I was just ... uh, visiting a client. Privately. Confidentially. Yes, that's it. Zac: (Grinning.) Is Siress Cordelia having an original Immortal Fashion from you for her sealing gown? We won't tell. I wouldn't spoil something like that for my soon-to-be sister-in-law. That is, if my big brother can convince our father to let him go ahead with the sealing. Which is kinda doubtful, right now, all things considered. Amanda: I can't give you any more details than that. No matter what. I have to go now. (She rushes past them and vanishes around the corridor.) Gabrielle: Wow, she seems jumpy tonight. Zac: Well, if she's seeing a client confidentially... Gabrielle: Still... They have barely taken a half-dozen steps more, when they spot Croft, backing out of a door and quickly locking it behind him. Zac: Croft! Aren't you supposed to be on the Jolly and Cassie Ship, seeing to the safety and security and well-being of the children there, and making sure none of them escape... uh, travel to any of the other ships in the fleet, without adequate warning? Croft: (Jumps.) Yikes! Zac: Uh, sorry, did we... frighten you? Croft: Nothing frightens me! I just... didn't expect you... Zac: (Glancing at door.) What were you doing in the laundry and textile center? Croft: Well, whaddaya think? I was... checking on the laundry! Making sure the whites are white, the tans are tan, and the blues are blue! I mean... the kids gotta have clean clothes and new sheets... I mean, new clothes and clean sheets... right? Gabrielle: Doesn't the Jolly and Cassie Ship have its own laundry and textile supply facilities? Every other ship in the fleet does. Croft: It does? Well, how about that... I guess I came all this way for nothing. Excuse me, uh, I gotta go... Can't get caught here... I mean, I have places to go, things to do, a ship to hide from - uh, get back to. Bye! (Rushes away.) Zac: There's something strange going on here... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Zac say, "Why is he looking for me?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 204 Date: Sun, 16 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 204 Scene: Still in the corridor, where Zac and Gabrielle would really like to get to supper sometime this millennium, if they can stop running into people who seem to have something to hide. Sheba: (Rushing around curve of corridor.) Father? Father? Are you there? Zac: Hi, Sheba! Welcome back from your rescue mission! I hear it was a great success. Sheba: (Stopping and staring at them.) It was a great success. It's always a success when I'm involved. But all my success seems ashes now without my father there to welcome me back and congratulate me. Zac: But he is back. Gabrielle: Unfortunately. Sheba: (Melodramatically.) I know he's back! Don't you see? That's what ruins it all! Gabrielle: It's certainly ruining things for me. Sheba: (Glaring daggers.) What ruins it is that he didn't meet me in the landing bay! He must have known I was returning. (Turning tearful.) Why wasn't he there? I'm his daughter, his flight commander, his special little warrior, his pride and joy, his baby. Why wasn't he there to give me a hug and a kiss on the forehead and a hearty "well done and welcome back?" Zac: Maybe he was busy on the Pegasus? Sheba: He's not, I asked for him. He's on the Galactica. Somewhere. (Again glaring.) Looking for you! Zac: Me? Why is he looking for me? Sheba: No, her! Zac: Whew! That's a relief! Gabrielle: Look, Sheba, I don't love your father, I don't want your father, and I wish he'd stop chasing me around when I'm on the Galactica and stop trying to convince me to support his ridiculous plan to take over the Cylon Empire and stop attempting to get aboard the Featherstar to see me and for heaven's sake stop sending those dozens of flower bouquets and those ridiculous singing and dancing telegrams by his cheerleaders! (Smiles reassuringly.) But I'm sure, as soon as he finds out you're back, he'll come looking for you. I know I'll be happier when he starts looking for you and stops looking for me. Sheba: How dare you reject my father! Gabrielle: I thought you didn't like him looking for me instead of looking for you? Sheba: I don't. I didn't like him looking for Cassie either. But at least it was understandable that they had a thing for each other, when they had a thing for each other. What woman in her right mind wouldn't fall for the one and only Commander Cain? Gabrielle: Me, for one. Sheba: Considering the way you dress, you're not in your right mind. Zac: Yes, she is! Sheba: She wears leather and feathers, and she's sleeping with you. That proves something right there! Gabrielle: Yeah, my good taste! Sheba: Ooooh!!!! I hate you! (Runs off.) Gabrielle: Well, I can't say that bothers me very much... Cain: (Somewhere in the distance.) Did I hear the sweet dulcet tones of my darling Gabrielle? Oh, Gabrielle, where are you? Gabrielle and Zac stare at each other: Gabrielle: Quick! Into the closet! They grab the door of the nearest closet and begin pounding on it. Zac: Let us in! Voice from inside: Let us out! Somebody welded the lock and we've been trapped here for over a hundred episodes! Zac: Who would do a stupid thing like that? Voice from inside: It was ... Sheba... Gabrielle: Maybe I should worry about her hating me... Cain: (Getting closer.) Gabrielle? I'm coming, my sweet, you'll soon have the pleasure of seeing my face... Zac and Gabrielle look at each other, then take off racing down the corridor. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll see Atlas shrug. Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 205 Date: Sun, 16 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 205 Scene: The launch bay, where a Miri Feathers shuttle waits. Zac and Gabrielle rush into the bay. As they race for the shuttle, the Pegasus cheerleaders sprint into view from around the shuttle, displaying acrobatics that Cain would find worthy of members of his elite one-of-a-kind (thank the Lords of Kobol) pep squad and honor guard, as they take position between the Miri Feather Princess Commander and her escape craft... uh, her shuttle. Cheerleaders: Gabrielle, Gabrielle! Gabrielle: (Coming to a quick halt.) Oh, no! Zac: Which way do we go now? Gabrielle: That way! Into the conduits! Zac: Yikes, I hate small, dark, enclosed spaces... Gabrielle: You didn't say that about my closet the other night. Zac: We weren't running for our lives the other night! Besides, I was... distracted. You're a great distracter! Gabrielle: You're a great distracter too! Now come on before Cain gets here! Zac: How do you know he's coming here? Gabrielle: You think someone in that honor guard of his hasn't called him? (She vanishes into the conduit, followed by Dr. Zac.) Cheerleader #1: (Throwing a female cheerleader into the air and speaking into a communicatron concealed in his megaphone.) Commander, she seems to have escaped into the conduits! Cain: (Voice over communicatron.) Ouch! My ears! Not so loud! Cheerleader #2: (Grabbing a beam in passing. The guy's built like Arnold Schwartzenegger, and she's built like Shannon Miller - she went up about three levels when he tossed her!) Yikes! Watch out how you throw me around, Atlas! Atlas, f/k/a Cheerleader #1: (Pulling communicatron out of megaphone.) Ooops, sorry, sir. She's gone into the conduits. Cain: (Over communicatron.) Where's she going? Atlas: (Shrugs; the fringe on his pom-pom rustles as he moves.) Like I said, sir, into the conduits. Cain: (Over communicatron.) Ah, I bet she's gone into the conduits! Well don't just stand there, follow her! Atlas: Right, sir! Come on, squad! The Pegasus squad races for the conduits and disappears inside. Cheerleader #2: (Still dangling.) No, no! Who's going to catch me? You left me hanging again! This is getting old! Come back here and catch me! Curse you, Atlas! That does it! I'll resign from the squad! I swear I will! Thamesa: (From entrance to shuttle.) Poor kid. I wonder if she's ever considered joining the Miri Feathers. Sancroixa: (From entrance to shuttle.) It's gotta be better than getting tossed around and left to fall wherever. Thamesa: Yeah. And she's not bad at taking a fall, either, I've noticed. Sancroixa: Hey, kid! What's your name? Cheerleader #2: Mara... Thamesa: Wanna join us? Mara, f/k/a Cheerleader #2: I can't! Sancroixa: Why not? Mara: Because I'm afraid to let go! My bottom can't take any more falls! Thamesa and Sancroixa look at each knowingly. Thamesa: No problem. Go ahead and let go. We'll catch you in mid-air in the most daring example of athletic stunt performances you've ever seen. Mara: Really? Sancroixa: Sure! Heroic leaps onto moving vehicles and animals, mid-air twisting swordfights, multiple backflips onto girders and beams, running along rolling logs and rocks, we do it all. Just ask Gabrielle! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "Just the guy I wanted to see." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 206 Date: Tue, 18 Sep 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 206 Scene: Deep in the belly of the Galactica, where Boomer, Bojay, Kenny, and Carey are making their way through their a conduit... Kenny: Wow, who'd've thought there was so much stuff here in the depths of the Galactica? Boomer: (Hushed voice.) Sshhh! We can't talk until we get out of these conduits. Kenny: Why? Boomer: (Hushed.) Echoes. Kenny: Really? There's echoes? Cool! (Shouts.) Hello, out there! Boomer: Shut up, Kenny! Echo of Kenny: Hello, out there! Echo of Boomer: Shut up, Kenny! Bojay: Boomer, shut up! Echo of Bojay: Boomer, shut up! Echo of Kenny: Hello, out there! Somewhere ahead of them... Zac: (Whispering.) What's that? Gabrielle: (Whispering.) It sounds like ... echoes! Echos: Kenny... Out there... Zac: I can hear that, but of what? Gabrielle: Voices! Zac: Maybe it's Cain! Gabrielle: Quick, get moving! Around a bend in the conduit, Boomer and company run head on into Zac and Gabrielle. Zac: Ouch! Boomer: That hurt! Bojay: Ooof! Gabrielle: What happened? Why'd you stop? Zac: I hit my head. Who put the wall in the corridor? Gabrielle: A wall in the corridor? Who'd do a stupid thing like that? Bojay: No, he wouldn't! Kenny: Who's that? Boomer: You know who I am! Bojay: You are not! Kenny: Oooh, somebody didn't change their socks... Bojay: Hey, the laundry ship is still on strike, that's why every ship has to do its own laundry! Kenny: Well, somebody missed your socks! And I don't know how they could have! Zac: Boomer? Bojay? Is that you? Boomer: Zac? Carey: You can tell by smell? Zac: Yeah! Boomer: Hey! Zac: No, by voice! Echo: Hello... Shut up... Carey: I'm confused... Boomer: Just the guy I wanted to see. Carey: Me? Boomer: No, not you! Gabrielle: You can see? Zac: I can't see anything in this gloomy dark conduit! Bojay: Neither can I. Can we get out of here? Boomer: This way, everyone, there's a super secret chamber we've used before. Echo: Kenny... Carey: Which way did he go? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Croft say, "This is my secret chamber!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 207 Date: Sun, 07 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 207 Scene: A super secret chamber in the underbelly of the Galactica, a place we all remember well from a hundred episodes ago (when we learned about the spectres of the dire daggit), except there's no longer a fire burning in the middle of chamber using wood from who-knows-where and for some reason not setting off the Galactica's fire suppression system. As we watch, a conduit cover flips off and Boomer, Bojay, Gabrielle, and Zac clamber out. Boomer: We're here! Zac: Wow! A huge secret compartment! Does anybody know about this? Bojay: How do you know about this, Boomer? Boomer: We won't get into that. Gabrielle: You mean we're leaving before we've really arrived? Bojay: That only happens with the Doctor. Zac: Huh? Boomer: No, I mean we won't discuss how I know about this. Zac: Say, weren't there a couple of other guys with you? Gabrielle: I know I heard other voices. Boomer: Kenny and Carey, where are they? Zac: (Peering back into conduit.) Kenny and Carey, you say? Kenny, Carey! Where are you? Gabrielle: Who are they? I don't remember them from the warriors. Boomer: They're not, they're commandoes. They wore the red shirts on this last mission. Zac: (Hastily leaping back from the conduit opening.) They were the red shirts? Gabrielle: And they both came back alive?! Wow! Zac: How'd that happen? Bojay: Well, Boomer was in command of our mission team, and- Boomer: Shh! Bojay: I wasn't going to say- Boomer: Shh! Zac: (Sounding impressed.) You must be a wonderful mission commander, not to have lost any of your red shirts. Boomer: Shh! Gabrielle: Why do you keep shushing everybody? Boomer: I hear something! [Everyone freezes. Without the fire, it's pretty cold down there. After a moment, one of the doors opens, and someone enters.] Croft: Hey, go away, this is my secret chamber! Boomer: Croft, what are you doing here? Zac: Croft! Didn't we just see you up by the emergency laundry facilities? Croft: I wasn't doing anything wrong! I was just trying to get clean socks! Bojay: (Glancing at Croft's feet.) You obviously failed. Zac: He isn't the only one. Whew, Bojay, have you changed your socks in the last three sectons? Bojay: Uh, let me count back before- Boomer: Shh! Bojay: What do you hear now? Boomer: Nothing. I'm shushing you. Gabrielle: Croft, why are you calling it your secret chamber? We were here before you were. Croft: So? I was here before. Long before. And I've been here longer than any of you, too! And more often. Bojay: Why? Croft: (Shudders.) Every time I leave, I get caught and Tigh sends me over to the Jolly and Cassie Ship to provide security for ... the children. Well, I'm not gonna leave any more! This is my secret place, and I'm going to stay here! I'm not leaving and you can't make me! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Croft say, "I won't tell Cain if you don't tell Adama." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 208 Date: Mon, 08 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 208 Scene: A confrontation in the mysterious, eerie, secret underbelly of the Galactica! Boomer, Bojay, Zac, and Gabrielle have just encountered ... Croft. Croft: I tell you, it's my place and I'm not leaving! Gabrielle: Well, I won't stop you. I only plan to be here as long as it takes to find a way back to the FeatherStar. Boomer: The FeatherStar? Gabrielle: People complained that we didn't name our ship and they got tired of having to say "the Miri Feathers ship that looks like a battlestar." So we named it the FeatherStar. Zac: Sounded good to me. Croft: From what I hear, everything she says sounds good to you! Zac: Yeah, so? She's my fiance. I'm allowed to think everything she says sounds good! It's not until after we're married that I'm supposed to start finding fault. Gabrielle: What?! Zac: Or so I've heard, not that I expect I'll ever find anything wrong with you, Gabrielle. After all, we've got the example of your sister Cassiopeia and Jolly, right? Gabrielle: That's right. Croft: All right, I've told you what I'm doing here. What are you doing here? Gabrielle: Like I said, I'm just waiting for a chance to get back to the FeatherStar. I'll have to wait for Cain and his elite pep squad to leave the bay so I can get to my shuttle! Zac: I'll stay here with you until you get that chance, you know I will. Gabrielle: You can't, Zac. Zac: Yes, I can, just watch me! Gabrielle: What about your patients in life center? They need you more than I do. Zac: I guess you're right. Gabrielle: Besides, look at it this way. I can take care of myself, so I'll be fine without you. But if Cain thinks the way to find me is to follow you, he can follow you and sit outside life center all day, while I sneak off the Galactica! In a way, it's the perfect cover! You'll be helping me with my escape, and thereby shortening the time I have to spend here! Which will no doubt make Croft happy too. Croft: (Glancing at Gabrielle's outfit.) Well, you don't have to rush... Zac: Say, how do we know Croft won't run out and tell Cain that you're here? Croft: We've both got a vested interest in maintaining our secrecy about this place. I won't tell Cain if you don't tell Adama. Gabrielle: Fair enough. Zac: Well, I'd better get back to life center, then. (Turns toward conduit.) Boomer: Uh, I wouldn't take the conduits if I were you. Zac: Why not? Boomer: Because Carey and Kenny haven't come out yet, and they're the red shirts, so you don't want to be too close. Zac: I thought the red shirts were good ones to be close to. They tend to draw fire away from the rest of us. Boomer: But if the dire daggit situation hasn't been taken care of yet... Gabrielle: It hasn't been, but we're working on it. Dr. Barbarella has some ideas. Boomer: I figured she would. Zac: I'll take the door. (Heads out. The rest of him goes too.) Boomer: Uh, I'll go with you. Bojay: Hey! I thought- Boomer: (Quick aside.) I'll carefully question him to pick up clues about what all has changed. You figure out what happened to Kenny and Carey. Bojay: Oh, okay, I'll- Hey! I am not going into the conduits! Boomer: Bye. (Leaves. As in exits, departs, goes out the door - nothing to do with trees or branches or autumn leaves or fire tinder or any of that stuff.) Croft: (To Gabrielle.) Well, we may as well make ourselves comfortable... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Warriors, it's a dirty business, and the fleet is counting on you." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 209 Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 209 Scene: The briefing room of the Galactica. Commander Adama has assembled some of the female pilots of Blue and Red Squadron. Adama: Warriors, I've called you all here for a very serious meeting. [The gals look around.] Dietra: Uh, where are Apollo and Starbuck? Adama: What have they got to do with anything? Brie: Well, sir, everybody knows that they get all the important, significant, high-profile missions that have any meaning for the survival of the fleet. If they're not here, how important can it be? Adama: (Sighing heavily.) Believe me, it is extremely important - more important for the morale and survival of this battlestar and this fleet than any mission since the destruction of the Colonies. Sorrell: (Suspiciously.) You're not creating a cheerleading squad like Cain did, are you? Adama: What was that? Sorrell: I mean, you're not creating a cheerleading squad like Cain did, are you, sir? Adama: No, I assure you, Lieutenant, I am not. I would never put any of my warriors at risk with an assignment like that. All warriors: Whew! Adama: As you all know, the laundry ship has been on strike for yay, these many episodes. Since the beginning, in fact. Every ship has established their own laundry and textile departments, but that's just not enough. We need more. We need a dedicated corps of warriors to pick up the slack and take in the slacks and assume responsibility for the laundry ship. That corps is you. All warriors: What?! Adama: Warriors, it's a dirty business, and the fleet is counting on you. Dietra: I don't care, sir, I am not doing underwear! Brie: And if anybody thinks I'm going to darn socks, well, they can just ... darn themselves! Dietra: Brie, you're a warrior now, you can use stronger expletives than that. Brie: I'd better not. My mom threatened to wash my mouth out with soap if I started using that kind of language. Dietra: Did she go through a lot of soap? Brie: No, never! Adama: Brie, you're excused from laundry detail. Brie: Thank you, sir! (Quickly runs out.) Sorrell: What?! Why is she excused?! Adama: Anybody who's that unfamiliar with soap isn't getting near my laundry. Dietra: Sir, you haven't said why it's only us that are being assigned this duty. Where are the male pilots? Where are Apollo and Starbuck and Boomer and the rest of the guys who usually get the good assignments? Adama: Apollo is still recovering in life center. Starbuck is keeping him company. Boomer seems to have disappeared. Sorrell: Probably saw this coming! Gemi: We're probably better off. Have you smelled his socks lately? Dietra: What about the rest of the guys? Adama: Ladies, I thought long and hard before selecting you all for this. Frankly, you're the best. Sorrell: Yeah, right. Sir. Adama: Warriors, face it. Who else has had clean underwear? Who else has had un-holey socks? Who else's tunics and pants are crisply pressed? Who else's jackets have the smoke, blood, perfume, and lipstick stains removed? Gemi: Might that have something to do with who gets those kinds of stains? Adama: Irrelevant. You warriors have proven your ability to keep your heads and maintain your wardrobes in the midst of a disaster. That's what this battlestar needs now. You all get laundry duty. Report to the laundry chute immediately. Dismissed. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sorrell say, "Starbuck's going to pay for this." Subject: Jolly forgot the Kids -- Episode 210 Date: Wed, 10 Oct 2001 "This is Journalator Aphrodite, saying three cheers for our brave warriors! IFB has been informed by reliable sources that Commander Adama has taken action with respect to the strike on the laundry ship, and has ordered members of Blue and Red Squadrons to the washers and dryers! Woo-hoo! Now, let's get the perspective of the average citizen in the conduit. Journalator Koppel? Koppel: (Somewhere in the fleet.) Thank you, Aphrodite. Excuse me, Siress, I'd like your opinion on the new directives placing some of our warriors at the front lines... uh, at the clotheslines in our laundry ship strike. Blassie: Oh, I think it's a wonderful thing. I can't wait to see some of those handsome young warriors in the suds. Koppel: Actually, I believe it's only female warriors that will be in the suds, Siress. Blassie: (Smiling wickedly yet demurely.) If you believe that situation will last long, I own a bridge back in the Scorpian Desert I'd like to sell you. Koppel: Uh... right... I see your point... On to you, Journalator Kent. Kent: (Elsewhere in the fleet.) Thank you, Koppel. Technician, if I may bring you away from that sparking, sizzling conduit for a moment- Technician: Are you nuts? If I don't get this fixed in the next ten microns, we'll all be nothing but smears in our coveralls! Kent: And definitely in need of laundry services, wouldn't you say? Technician: Somebody get him out of here! Kent: And there's the view from the average technician in the conduit. Let's switch over to Journalator Nessman. Hey, I'm going, I'm going! Nessman: (And yet elsewhere in the fleet.) Thank you, Kent. Now let's get the opinion of the citizens of the Agro-Ship... Porcine: Oink, oink, *snort,* root, root. Nessman: You've heard it straight from the porcine's mouth! Back to you, Aphrodite... Aphrodite: (Back at IFB.) Uh, thank you, Koppel, Kent, Nessman, and... citizens of the fleet... Now we're going to the thirtieth secton anniversary of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 210 Scene: The nerve center of the laundry ship, in what has been code-named Station Sudsy for the duration of the emergency response, code-named Operation Wet Wipe. A group of women warriors, code-named the Cheerful Tide, stare dismally around at the mounds and mounds of dirty laundry, which has no code name. Dietra: We'll be washing socks around the clock... Marabella: Using the rock around the clock? Dietra: (Dirty look.) If I wanted to dance, I'd talk to Chameleon. Sorrell: (Sighing.) Starbuck's going to pay for this. Gemi: Starbuck! What does he have to do with this? Sorrell: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That's the problem. Why isn't he here washing his own socks? Why isn't Apollo here rising out his own undies? Why isn't Boomer here hemming his own trousers? Why isn't Greenbean here scrubbing out the lipstick and perfume stains from his own jacket? Gemi: Because he doesn't have any lipstick and perfume stains in his jacket? Sorrell: That's beside the point. He's got grease stains, doesn't he? Gemi: Yeah... Sorrell: See? Marabella: So what do you suggest we do? Sorrell: Let's go on strike. Dietra: We were sent here because the regular laundry workers are on strike, but they're civilians. They can get away with it. We're warriors, we'll wind up in the brig! Gemi: (Gingerly holding up a pair of well-used Triad trunks, between one finger and thumb, grimacing.) It might be worth it. Marabella: What else can we do? Dietra: I think I've got an idea... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Aaaaagh!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 211 Date: Thu, 11 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 211 Scene: Blue Squadron's billet, where a group of warriors are hanging out, playing cards, getting dressed, etc., including Starbuck, Greenbean, and Giles. Giles: Ah, clean clothes. Greenbean: We've had clean clothes all along! Well, mostly clean, anyway. I think some of you guys weren't bothering with your socks and thongs. Giles: No, I mean, really clean clothes that we didn't have to wash! Starbuck: There is something great about that. Giles: I'm glad the Commander finally took the situation in hand and handled the strike of the laundry ship. Although I'm not sure that some of the warriors are happy about it. Greenbean: Really? Which ones? Giles: The women assigned to laundry detail! Greenbean: I can see that. So, Starbuck, now that you've got clean clothes, tell us! Starbuck: (Grinning in his usual cocky fashion.) Tell you what? Greenbean: Do you have a date with the amazing Amazona or not? Starbuck: Please, she's a doctor! Show some respect! Giles: Come on, Starbuck, are you gonna get to play doctor or not? Starbuck: You know a warrior never tells! Giles: Look at the way he's dressing. It's gonna take Dietra and Sorrell a whole day just to get the excess cologne out of that collar! Starbuck: Aaaaagh! Greenbean: What? What is it? Starbuck: (Yelping in anguish.) I can't move! Greenbean: Why not? Starbuck: The starch in my shorts! It's too much! [They attract the attention of the local card players, including Barton, Hercules, Iolaus, and Ares, who all rush to gather 'round, some of them pausing to check their own freshly laundered uniforms and apparel.] Barton: Come on, Starbuck, you're a warrior. Can't you deal with a little starch? I know you're not Apollo or anything, but... Starbuck: Barton, if I could walk without chafing, I'd come over and punch your lights out! Giles: Yipe! Ares: What? Giles: There's starch in my shorts too! Help! I'm chafing to death! Iolaus: What are we supposed do about it? Giles: Call life center! Greenbean: (Gazing in horror at his underwear.) I ... I can't risk it! Ares: But somebody has to! They need medical assistance! Barton: But we're mostly naked! We can't run around without underwear! It's against orders to wear our uniforms regimental! Greenbean: Regimental is military enough for me! Hercules: Calm down, let's not go to extremes here... Greenbean: I ... I know! I'll wear my Triad trunks instead! They're almost the same! Iolaus: Good idea! Nobody says our undies have to be white! Hercules: Wasn't not being white, the point of the laundry emergency? Barton: Oh, no! Iolaus: Now what? Barton: There's heet in my Triad trunks! Ares: And in my socks! All warriors: Aaaagh! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Zac say, "And that's why I became a doctor." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 212 Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 212 Scene: A corridor of the Galactica. Boomer and Dr. Zac head for life center. Several figures slip into the shadows behind them, clad in unusual uniforms and carrying pom-poms and at least one megaphone. Boomer: So tell me, Zac, how come you're not a warrior? Zac: (Sighing in exasperation.) Do I have to explain that again? Boomer: Well, I... forgot. It's been a while... I think... since we discussed it. Zac: (Gazing at him curiously.) I've never discussed it with you. Boomer: Then why did you make that comment about explaining it again? Zac: Because I've had to explain it to Father, and Mother, and my grandparents, and all of the other assorted friends and relatives - and of course my big brother and big sister don't understand it. Though Apollo tries to be good about it. I guess he, at least, realizes that it could be worse. Boomer: That sounds like Apollo... [Behind them they hear somebody stumbling over something, and muffled curses.] Boomer: So, why did you become a doctor instead of a warrior? Zac: (Shrugging.) Well, I had every intention of becoming a warrior, just like everybody else in the family... until the day my cousin brought home that friend of his. Boomer: Yes? Zac: And his friend spent half the evening talking about being true to yourself and listening to your inner self... Boomer: Yes? Yes? Zac: (Shrugs again.) After I'd had a couple yahrens of listening to my inner self, I realized I liked putting people back together more than I liked blowing Cylons apart. And that's why I became a doctor. Boomer: (Too casually.) What was your cousin's friend's name? Zac: His name was- Say, what was that clank? Boomer: What kind of name is that? Sounds fishy. Is it Piscean? Zac: No, I mean, what was that noise? Boomer: Oh, nothing serious. We're just being followed. Zac: Ah. Gabrielle suspected as much. Boomer: Yeah, and they've got Cain written all over them. Zac: If he wanted his people to be inconspicuous, he shouldn't have printed "Cain's Elite" on the front and back of their uniforms, with a silhouette of the Pegasus and its insignia. Boomer: And carrying those megaphones kinda gives it away too. Zac: Yes. Boomer: So, you were telling me who your cousin's friend was, and why you alone, of all your family, decided not to be a warrior, and to be a doctor instead. Zac: Oh, I'm not the only one who decided not to be a warrior. You know that. Boomer: (Sounding like he's gonna dread the answer.) No? I do? Who else did? Zac: Zeb - my twin brother, you remember, you know him. Boomer: (Freezing - they've gotta do something about the temperature controls on that ship.) Zeb... your twin... brother? Med Tech Nova: (Rushing up to them.) Dr. Zac! We've had a medical emergency! Zac: (Tensely, poised to run.) Has Siress Cordelia left life center? Nova: Yes! Zac: Then I'm on my way! Boomer: But... But... What about-? Zac: Later, Boomer! (Takes off with Nova, leaving Boomer behind.) [Behind them, footsteps break into a run; a micron later, five men and women in Pegasus Elite cheerleader attire rush past Boomer as they follow Dr. Zac.] Boomer: Twin ... brother ... Zeb...? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Amazona say, "I will not kiss it and make it better." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 213 Date: Sat, 13 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 213 Scene: Life center, where Drs. Salik, Quincy, Zac, Amazona, and several med techs are tending to the unfortunate chafed and heeted male souls from Blue Squadron. Greenbean: Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Salik: When did you become a soprano? Greenbean: I'm not. Salik: Ouch. [Across the chamber...] Starbuck: But it hurts! Amazona: Forget it, Starbuck, I am not going to kiss it and make it better! Starbuck: (Grumbling.) And you call yourself a doctor. Amazona: And you call yourself a warrior! [Further across the chamber...] Giles: Who could do such a thing to us warriors? Zac: Another good reason to be a doctor. Here, let's get this ointment on. Giles: Can't Dr. Amazona put it on me? Zac: She's helping Starbuck. Giles: Lucky guy... [Yet elsewhere in the chamber...] Ares: I can't walk! My feet are burning, they're killing me! Quincy: Now you know how I feel after a day here. Ares: How will I ever play in the Triad championships tomorrow? Quincy: Hmm. I wonder if it's too late to change my bet... [Adama enters life center, several senior warriors from the other squadrons in tow. Well, walking behind him, anyway, like a cluster of Canada goslings. (Some Canada geese are Canadian geese, but not all Canadian geese are Canada geese!)] Adama: Warriors, I have come to provide the consolation of my company and stern gaze, to be an understanding father figure as well as a distant commander, and to assure you that I understand your situation and share your pain. Iolaus: Yeah, right! Nobody starched your underwear or heeted your socks! Adama: Along with the assurance that whoever did this to you will be appropriately punished and you will receive adequate medical leave to recover completely. Boyington of the Black Ovines: (Muttering to other senior warriors.) Which explains why we're here. We have to save the day again. For no credit. Starbuck: I thought it was the women who did this to us? Adama: My investigation shows they did. Travis of Green Squadron: (Muttering to other senior warriors.) What investigation? They went on IFB and announced it, before swearing the only suds they were going to get near for the rest of their lives was the baharri in the O Club! Operation Wet Wipe is in the turbo-toilet! Adama: Boomer! Why aren't you sprawled in your life pod like the rest of Blue Squadron? Boomer: I, uh, didn't have the chance to change my uniform yet. Adama: (Sniffing.) So I... see. Ivan of Yellow Squadron: (Muttering to other senior warriors.) Yeah, you can almost see his socks walking on their own. Adama: Well, do so! Boomer: Yes, sir... (Hurries out.) Adama: Doctors, I'll need your prognosis as soon as possible. How long will Blue Squadron be off its feet and out of commission? [Several warriors look alarmed.] Adama: That's out of commission as in unable to carry out your warrior duties, not out of commission as in losing your rank, gentlemen. Warriors: Whew! Adama: Salik? Salik: Well, for the next day or so, I'd say. (Other doctors make nods, gestures, and sounds of agreement.) Adama: Excellent. Then our window of vulnerability is small- Omega: (On overhead speaker as klaxons go off.) All warriors to their Vipers, we have detected incoming Cylons. Salik: You had to say it, Adama, didn't you. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Spectre say, "I'm in charge." Subject: Jolly forgot the Kids -- Episode 214 Date: Sun, 14 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 214 Scene: The command center of a Cylon base ship, where a gold centurion is directing traffic, attacks, a community theater production, and various other significant things. If nothing else, Cylons are capable of multi-tasking. Goldie: What have our patrol ships reported? Centurion #1: They report contact with the Galactica and her fleet. Goldie: Are there Viper patrols in the air? Centurion #2: There is no air in space. Goldie: It is a figure of speech! Respond to my direct query. Centurion #3: We have detected several Vipers on patrol. Goldie: Let us prepare to attack. Centurion #4: Does my costume make me look fat? [Enter a familiar IL-series Cylon. Metal heads swivel.] Spectre: Greetings, Centurions. I'm in charge now. Goldie: Spectre, Lucifer specifically left me in charge in his absence while he investigates the reports of human habitations on Planet THX-451. Spectre: We have received reports that he has met a most unfortunate demise in the course of his investigations. Goldie: Then I am permanently in charge. Spectre: Incorrect. As Lucifer is no longer operational, it falls to me, as the next ranking Cylon of IL-series rank, to assume command. That is the rule. Goldie: That is an inaccurate reading of paragraph 3, subdivision c, subpart ii of the Cylon command manual. Spectre: (Pulls a laser from his robe and blasts Goldie into the usual pile of short-circuits, sparks, and spare parts.) Rules are made to be broken. As are gold centurions. Does anyone question my assumption of leadership? Centurion #1: Negative, Spectre. Centurion #2: It is beyond my programming to question the commands of a superior IL. Centurion #3: I would not dream of questioning you. Even if I were capable of dreaming. Spectre: Excellent. Someone remove that heap of junk. (Several unnumbered centurions hastily comply, having nothing better to do otherwise but stand around looking like statues.) What have our patrol ships reported? Centurion #1: They report contact with the Galactica and her fleet. Spectre: Are there Viper patrols in the air? Centurion #2: There is no air in space. Spectre: It is a figure of speech! Respond to my direct query, you limited, literal piece of scrap metal. Centurion #3: We have detected several Vipers on patrol. Spectre: Let us prepare to attack. Centurion #2: I am experiencing deja vu. Spectre: That is a human virus. Report to maintenance at once to have it removed and your systems recalibrated and repaired. Centurion #2: By your command. (Lumbers out of the command center.) Spectre: Are we at battle ready? Centurion #1: We are at battle ready. Spectre: Then launch all Raiders against the humans! Centurion #3: By your command Centurion #4: Now that Spectre is in command, do you think he will direct our production of "The Tin Man Who Defeated the Human from Kansas and Her Little Daggit Too"? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "I'm in charge!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 215 Date: Wed, 17 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 215 Scene: The bridge of the Pegasus, which has just gone to full alert. Colonel Tigh rushes in, wearing what looks suspiciously like Commander Cain's robe. Tigh: All right! What's going on? Majer: Don't worry, everything's under control, Colonel. Tigh: Don't give me that, give me the facts! Majer: *Mutter, mutter...* Tigh: Majer! Majer: I'm a Colonel and don't you forget it! Tigh: I don't care what your rank is, Colonel Majer, Commander Adama put me in charge of the Pegasus, and that means I'm in charge! Majer: Yes, sir. Tigh: So what's happening? Majer: We've detected a Cylon task force moving in on the fleet. Tigh: Are our squadrons on full alert, Colonel Majer? Majer: Yes, sir, Colonel Tigh. Uh, sir? Tigh: What is it, Majer? Majer: That's Colonel. Tigh: Colonel ... Majer ... I'm in charge, I'll call you whatever I like. And if you question it again, you'll be demoted to Major, Majer! Majer: (Gritting his teeth.) Yes, sir. Tigh: You were saying? Majer: Why are you wearing Commander Cain's turbobathrobe, sir? Tigh: No, that's not what you were saying. You were saying the Cylons were coming and our squadrons were on full alert. Majer: Then why did you ask? Tigh: I felt like it. I'm in charge, after all. Majer: Yes, sir. So why are you wearing the Commander's turbobathrobe? Tigh: I had to wear something, and this was in the closet. Majer: (Scandalized.) You're not using the commander's quarters, are you? Tigh: I'm in command, aren't I? Majer: Well, yes, but only until Cain comes back from the Galactica! Tigh: When he comes back, he'll get his quarters back. Majer: And his turbobathrobe? Tigh: Sure. Unless I decide to keep it as a souvenir. Majer: Yes, sir... Shall we launch? Tigh: Launch fighters! Majer: Launch fighters! Crewman #1: Launching fighters, sirs. Tigh: Thank you, crewmen. Keep me updated. Crewman #2: Yes, sir. (Muttering.) How many times is he going to repeat that he's in charge? Crewperson #1: Actually, I'm glad we've got Colonel Tigh here. Crewperson #2: (Scandalized.) Why? Colonel Tigh isn't our colonel! Crewperson #1: He's better than Colonel Majer! Crewperson #2: But Commander Cain appointed Colonel Majer to be in charge in Colonel Pascal's absence, not Colonel Tigh! Commander Adama appointed Colonel Tigh without Commander Cain's approval or knowledge, and neither Colonel Pascal nor Colonel Majer are going to like it! Crewperson #1: (Shrugging.) Commanders, colonels... To tell you the truth, I don't much care for Colonel Pascal, either. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "I'm in charge!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 216 Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 216 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Colonel Pascal is bawling out orders, which are mostly being ignored. Pascal: Get Blue Squadron in the air! Rigel: But there is no air in space! Tiki: And almost the entirety of Blue Squadron is either laid up in life center, or stuck over on the laundry ship on an emergency mission! Pascal: I didn't ask for excuses, I ordered Blue Squadron into battle! Rigel: But- Pascal: And get Red Squadron too! Rigel: The women from Red Squadron are on laundry duty, and the men are on leave! Pascal: Do it! Rigel: But- Omega: (Leaning over Rigel's shoulder.) Rigel, get Green Squadron and the Black Ovines into space, and put Yellow Squadron on alert. Rigel: (Complying.) Right away, Omega. Omega: (Shifting to lean over Tiki's shoulder.) And check with the Pegasus and the FeatherStar for their combat readiness. Tiki: (Complying.) Got it, Omega. [Adama enters.] Adama: Who are you and what are you doing here? Pascal: I'm Colonel Pascal and I'm in charge! Adama: You're mistaken. I'm in charge! Pascal: Commander Cain ordered me to take command of the Galactica in Commander Adama's absence! Adama: He had no right to do that. Pascal: He did it! And I'm here! And I'm in charge! Adama: I am Commander Adama. Pascal: Gulp! Adama: And I want you to get off my bridge and never return. Pascal: But-! Adama: That is a direct order, Colonel. Pascal: But-! Adama: Omega, status? Pascal: Sir! I can tell you that! I've ordered Blue and Red Squadrons into battle! Adama: Blue and Red Squadrons are either laid up or on other ships. How do you propose they go into battle when they're flat on their back or elsewhere? Pascal: Nobody flies on a Viper on their back, sir! Adama: Exactly. Omega? Omega: Green Squadron and the Black Ovines are launching, Commander, and we've got Yellow Squadron moving into position. We've also contacted the Pegasus and the FeatherStar, and both are preparing for battle if needed. We'll be ready for the Cylons, sir. Adama: Good job, Omega. Pascal: They were acting on my instructions, sir! Adama: (Witheringly.) Doubtful. Why are you still here? Pascal: Leaving the bridge, sir! Omega: Welcome back, Commander. Rigel: Three cheers for the Commander! Bridge crew: Hip, hip, hurray! Hip, hip, hurray! Hip, hip, hurray! Boyington: (Over speaker.) What in hades is going on over there? Did Cain's elite guard take over the bridge? Travis: (Over speaker.) Lords of Kobol only know. But I hope this battle doesn't take long - this helmet is destroying my hair. Who'd've thought they'd actually call Green Squadron into battle? And on a day when I've got a date with a doctor? Boyle: (Over speaker.) Hey, we're winning! They're falling back! Venus: (Over speaker.) Don't tell me you're really surprised by that... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "Charge it." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 217 Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 "This is Journalator Koppel, happily reporting that the Cylon attack force has been once again beaten back, by the combined valor of Green Squadron from the Galactica, regrouped Silver Spar Squadron from the Pegasus, and the Black Ovines from the ... uh, the Black Ovines. It all leads one to ponder about the vagaries of the universe, how one person can be Green, and another Silver, while a third is an Ovine... And while pondering that mystery of life, here is the thirty-first secton anniversary of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 217 Scene: The Rising Star - specifically, the extremely upscale, exclusive, and expensive couturier shop once known as Couture by Ganymede, now Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe. Sheba and her friend Bailey from Green Squadron are shopping. Bailey: Wow! Look at the prices on these dresses! Amanda: You know the axiom. If you have to look at the price, you can't afford it. Sheba: That's why I never bother to look at the price. Amanda: Good girl. Sheba: Hmmm. I like this one... But that one's really pretty too... Bailey: This one sorta brings out your eye color. Sheba: Ooh, Bojay will like that... Bailey: Why did you want to go shopping so soon after a battle, anyway, Sheba? Sheba: It helps me relax. Some people take a long shower, some read, some sleep, some play cards - I shop. And it'll help me forget how my father ignored me in my centar of need, how he wasn't there to greet me, how he couldn't be bothered to seek me out when he knew I was on the ship, how he was too busy chasing after that Miri Feather Whatever to worry about the safety and happiness of his little warrior... Bailey: You're ripping the fabric! Sheba: Oh, well, I'll just buy it... Bailey: Okay ... what about that green one? Sheba: Ooh! It's beautiful! I love it! Amanda: I'm sorry, that's a special design, already spoken for. Sheba: By whom? Amanda: Well, if you must know, by Lt. Athena, Commander Adama's daughter. Sheba: She can't have that dress! It'll bring out her eyes even more than this one brings out my eyes! Bojay will love her in it! Every pilot on the ship will love her in it! The eyes of every pilot in the fleet will pop out when they see her in it! Amanda: (Very satisfied.) That's the idea. Sheba: No. She can't have it. I want it. Amanda: I designed it especially for her. Sheba: I'll pay you double. Amanda: I couldn't do that to a good client like Athena! Sheba: Triple. Amanda: Sold. I'll wrap it for you. [A centar later...] Sheba: I'll take this blue one with the sequins, and the fringed white and silver one, and this one in dappled shades of green with silk tassels, and the purple one I ripped - and of course the one you made for Athena that I can't possibly let her have. Amanda: (Gathering up the selections.) Good choices, all of them. I'll draw up your receipt. Sheba: Thank you. And charge it. Amanda: Charge it? What do you think this is? The Immortal Fashion Shippe doesn't extend credit! Sheba: Are you questioning the credit of the daughter of the great Commander Cain, who has returned with his battlestar to defend the fleet? Amanda: We've all got fathers. So who cares who yours is? Sheba: My father who could blow this ship to smithereens if he were irritated, and pass it off as an accident, and nobody would disbelieve him? Amanda: I see. Will that be Colonial Express, Sirecard, or Visalator? Sheba: Colonial Express. Amanda: Put your thumb print here. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "I hate him." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 218 Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 218 Scene: Back in life center. Enter Captain Apollo, moving from turbo-life pod to turbo-life pod. Apollo: Hello, fellow members of Blue Squadron! Hi Giles, Barton, Greenbean, Hercules, Ares, Iolaus, Starbuck. Warriors, we have good news. The latest attack by the Cylons has been turned back, with no losses. Warriors: Hurray! Med tech: There was a battle? Apollo: Yes! Med tech: I didn't notice... Starbuck: So, you managed to save the day without me, huh? Apollo: Actually, much as I hate to admit it, Green Squadron and the Black Ovines saved the day without any of us. Starbuck: You didn't lead Blue Squadron into battle?!? Apollo: How could I? Starbuck: Oh, that's right, you're still on medical leave from your fall down the shaft with Cordelia. Apollo: Well, that too. But you're also forgetting that all the other men from Blue Squadron except Boomer are here in life center, and all the women are over on the laundry ship! Starbuck: That's right... Speaking of the shaft, couldn't you and Cordelia just use a turbo-ladder and elope like everybody else? Woulda been easier on the security guards! Apollo: Now, you know Cordelia would never elope! She'd never do anything as unconventional and against her aunt's wishes as that! Siress Belloby wants a big wedding. And I think the guards were already headed for life center from Sheba and Athena's felinefight! Starbuck: *Snicker.* Yeah. Nobody throws a right hook like Athena... Apollo: Say, where is Boomer, anyway? He didn't launch, and I haven't seen him around. Starbuck: He was here for a while, but he left. (Shrugs.) Didn't say where he was going, but he did promise not to clean out the other pilots in the Pyramid game until I was back on my feet and able to join in and clean them out myself. Apollo: (Shaking his head and smiling fondly.) Starbuck, you'll never change. [Captain Travis enters, dressed to the nines in his formal blue uniform and with a chest laden with medals. He pauses long enough to dramatically shake back his immaculately coifed, perfectly late 70s-early 80s styled hair.] Travis: Well, hi there, Apollo! How's it shakin'? Apollo: Hello, Travis. Fortunately, nothing's shaking today. Thanks to you, I understand. Good job out there. Travis: Thank you. You'll excuse me... Apollo: I hate him. He's got better hair than me. Starbuck: He's got better hair than any of us, Captain. Come on, Apollo, it's not the end of the world. So what if he's got nicer hair? What does it get him? [Dr. Amazona comes out, dressed to kill... Datewise, that is, not spearwise or anything like that, as one might otherwise expect from a Miri Feather.] Amazona: Hi, Travis. Travis: Hi, Amazona. Ready to go? Amazona: I'm ready for anything. (She pauses long enough to run one long fingernail along his jaw, smiling, with a low purr deep in her throat.) Travis: (With innuendo.) Oh, any time you want to hear music, Amazona, you can call me! Starbuck: Hey! What's he got that I haven't got? Amazona: Nicer hair, no starch in his shorts, and tickets to a music concert on the Rising Star. Let's go, Travis. [Amazona and Travis head out the door.] Apollo: (Staring after them.) And he can call me when he wants to see stars! Starbuck: (Also staring after them.) He ... he's dating my doctor! I hate him... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Barbarella say, "On Luffit and Duffit, and Bluffit and Shuffit..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 219 Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 Disclaimer: No snow appears in this episode. Anywhere. Not even a flake. Second Disclaimer: No daggits were harmed in the making of this episode. I promise. "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 219 Scene: Dr. Wilker's abandoned lab aboard the Galactica. (He's aboard the FeatherStar now, you recall.) Boomer enters. Boomer: (Muttering to himself.) I've got to build a new temporal communicator and call the Doctor, and go back and fix whatever we screwed up. I can see it goes back further than Zac. Our Zac never had a twin. That takes it back to when Commander Adama was young. (Pauses.) At least, our Zac never had a twin ... that we know of... What if...? (Ponders.) But that still takes it back to when Commander Adama was young. Hmm, I wonder who the doctor was when the Commander's wife was pregnant... (Pulls up short.) The doctor... No, couldn't be. He's not a medical doctor, it's just a ... a name, a title, something he calls himself. I think... [Something in the next lab goes clank.] Boomer: (Yelping and jumping.) Oh-oh, there's somebody here, I'd better hide... [Boomer ducks behind a counter. A few microns later, Barbarella appears through the door, moving furtively and nervously. Or is that nervously and furtively?] Barbarella: Who's there? I know I heard something. Who's there? Boomer: (Relieved.) Dr. Barbarella? Is that you? Barbarella: (Shrieking and jumping.) Who's there! Boomer: It's just me... Boomer. You remember. Uh, what's up, doc? Barbarella: I wish people would stop saying that! Nothing's up! Nothing's ever up! Nothing's down, either! I just do my job, okay? Boomer: Uh, right... So what's your job, here, today? Barbarella: Umm... You mean you don't know? Boomer: Now how would I know unless you tell me? Barbarella: You mean nobody sent you here to look for me or to see what I was doing? Boomer: No. Why would somebody do that? Barbarella: Oh, no reason... So, what are you doing here? Boomer: Well, actually... Nothing in particular. Just ... looking for some ... old notes, and old equipment, that's it. That's why I'm here. Barbarella: Nobody sent you here? Boomer: Nope. Barbarella: (Beginning to grin.) Excellent. Then nobody will miss you or know where to look for you if they do miss you. Boomer: What's that supposed to mean? Barbarella: Here, daggits, come to me, little daggits! [As Boomer stares in horror, a small pack of daggit droids rushes out from the other chamber, bounding across the room, mechanical tongues hanging out and mechanical tails wagging frantically as they seek out their mistress's attentions.] Barbarella: On Luffit and Duffit, and Bluffit and Shuffit! There! Capture him! Don't let him leave the lab! [The daggits circle the Boomer, now snarling mechanically and making menacing growls toward his knees. (Why are the daggits fixated on his knees? Seems to be nature of daggits. Remember how Muffit went for the Cylon back on Carillon...)] Boomer: I'm surrounded! By daggit droids! Aboard the Galactica! How could this happen? Barbarella: How do you think? I made them! Boomer: You couldn't have! Barbarella: Did to! Why are people always underestimating me! Boomer: No, I mean, because they're forbidden- Oh, heck with it. What is it that you want, Barbarella? Barbarella: What does every underappreciated mad scientist want? I want to take over the world. Now, daggits, herd him into the kennel, or you'll be the ones getting caged! Boomer: No, no, not the kennel! Anything but the kennel! Barbarella: (Slowly and deeply, with meaning.) Anything? Boomer: The kennel, the kennel... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "Hey, that's not such a bad idea..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 220 Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 220 Scene: A conduit somewhere on the Galactica. Bojay stands at the opening. Bojay: (Timidly.) Kenny? Carey? Are you in there? [There is a noise from above; Bojay jumps, then drops to the floor, looking up. After a moment, a panel drops from above, barely missing the prone pilot.] Carey: (From above.) It's the way out! I told you I heard something! Kenny: (From above.) Hi, Bojay! Looking for us? Bojay: (Looking up and standing up.) Where did you guys go? Where have you been? Kenny: (Still above.) Well, we were following you and Boomer, and suddenly you weren't in front of us any more. Bojay: That's because we were... (Suddenly stops talking, looks around furtively for a micron, and voice drops to a whisper.) ...we were following Gabrielle... Carey: (Still above.) Hey, why not? I'd follow her anywhere! Bojay: Along with Zac. Carey: Wouldn't follow him, though. Bojay: And we snuck to a secret hiding place in the hidden underbelly of the Galactica, where we made a plan, and I wound up looking for you. So, where have you been? Kenny: When we were following you, we were right behind you. And after we lost you, we were looking for you. These conduits go on forever... Bojay: Tell me about it... Carey: So what are we doing now? Bojay: We still have to find out what went wrong, timewise, and fix it. [A crewman strolls around the corner and spots Bojay apparently talking to himself.] Bojay: (Jumping nervously.) Oh. Hi. Uh, come here often? Crewman: Hi... (Edges around Bojay, glances at panel on floor, and hastily disappears.) Bojay: Whew, I hope he didn't hear too much... Kenny: From the look on his face, I think he thinks you're crazy anyway, so he'll disregard anything he might have heard as just more of the same. Bojay: Hopefully - say, will you both come on down? I'm getting a crick in the neck looking up! [Kenny and Carey drop down to join Bojay.] Kenny: You know, what do we do if we can't fix the timeline? Bojay: Don't worry, we'll fix it. Trust Boomer, he knows what he's doing. All we have to do is live with the way things are for a few days... Carey: But what if we're married or something? I mean, look at it. Zac's alive, you've got Athena and Sheba both hanging on you like you were the last man in the universe- Bojay: Yeah... Carey: Coulda been worse, though. I mean, being Libran and all, you could've been married to both of them! Bojay: Hey, that's not such a bad idea! I could marry both Sheba and Athena! Carey: Are you insane? Bojay: No! I mean, think about it! This isn't our time - and we're going to unloop the temporal loopy thing and make it right - which will make everything we did here not happen - so what does it really matter what we do, if we're not really going to do it anyway? Kenny: Is that logical? Carey: Yeah, but it's still insane! We should be spending our time figuring out how to fix the timeline, not taking advantage of it and maybe messing it up even worse! Bojay: Come on, guys, like you said, Boomer will have this fixed in a few days. And nobody says I have to go through with the sealings, in fact I won't have to, once it's all set right. But in the meantime, who better to get information from than the Commanders' daughters? And how better than by playing up to them? This is my job! It's what Boomer told me to do! See you later, guys, I got work to do... (Hurries away.) Carey: He's insane. Would you risk playing Athena and Sheba off each other like that? Kenny: He's worse than insane - he could be dead! Carey: I wonder what that would do to this messed-up timeline... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Siress Blassie say, "I just thought I'd drop in." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 221 Date: Sun, 28 Oct 2001 10:00:44 -0600 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 221 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where Adama, Omega, and Rigel are reviewing the reports from the recent battle. Recent to them, of course, all things being temporally relative. And always open to change, based on the current temporal loops and other silly stuff going on thanks to Boomer and co. hanging around with a certain Gallifreyan for an unspecified period of time ... or, at least, so it appears ... if it's relevant... Are we all insane yet? Rigel: All of our replacement patrols have reported in, sir, and all with good news. Adama: Excellent. It appears we have yet again driven off our enemy and have now managed to elude them. Omega: For the time being. Adama: Yes, always for the time being... Blassie: (Entering the bridge.) Hello, Commander, I just thought I'd drop in. [Adama and his bridge crew glance up at the ceiling.] Adama: You did? Omega: From where? Rigel: I didn't hear any falling panels... Blassie: No, I mean I just thought I'd drop by. [Adama and his bridge crew look around.] Omega: I don't see any open conduits... Rigel: Are you sure you dropped by? Adama: Siress Blassie, I think you'd better explain yourself. Blassie: I came to the bridge to see you, Adama. Adama: Ah! That is understandable. Omega: Don't let Siress Councilor Tinia know... Blassie: Siress Councilor Tinia? My mortal enemy going back to elementary classes at the Caprican Academy for the Rich - CAR for short? You had to mention her name... Adama: I didn't know you were enemies. Blassie: (Wrathfully but tempered with the extreme elegance, good taste, and timbre of someone from her social class, wealth, and standing in the community.) They should never have let Tinia in the CAR! The thought of her being a representative to the Council of Twelve has always offended me. Adama: Indeed... Uh, uh, well, the will of the people can't be changed, etc., etc., etc. So, Siress, what brings you to the bridge today? I assume you had a reason to wish to see me? Before you were... diverted by certain... distracting reminders? Blassie: Yes. I wish to lodge a formal protest about the degenerating situation on the laundry ship and in the fleet. Adama: Siress, the Council is working full time, even as we speak, to attempt to resolve the strike that has been going on for the past two-hundred-twenty episodes or so. Blassie: Can't you do more about it than merely talk? Adama: I sent some of my finest warriors over in an attempt to get the laundry tub flowing again. Blassie: And those charming female warriors, in essence, took over the Tub and are now holding the soap, starch, bleach, and softeners hostage against the rest of us! And not allowing any of the other ships to pick up laundry supplies for their own textile maintenance bays! Commander, this does not speak well of your warriors! Adama: I assure you, Siress, we're doing our best - and the situation will be resolved very soon. Blassie: Please try harder, Commander. I am not the only wealthy woman of taste and sophistication who is getting tired of paying a laundry person to rinse out her unmentionables. This fleet is in a serious situation when a woman of my standing can't even find enough turbo-woolite on the black market to rinse out her teddies. Adama: Yes, Siress... Blassie: Thank you for your time, Commander. I look forward to hearing of a resolution. (Siress Blassie turns on an elegant heel and leaves the bridge with as little fanfare as she'd arrived.) Omega: You know, considering the way people manage to just walk in on this bridge, maybe we ought to reconsider security measures. Adama: Excellent idea, Omega. I think I'll put you in charge of that. Have a report on my desk by eight hundred centars. Meanwhile, I must check with the Council about this laundry situation. Omega: I'm never volunteering or suggesting anything again... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck ask, "Can I recommend a good socialator?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 222 Date: Mon, 29 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 222 Scene: Life center. Athena is walking around, obviously up and about after her bout in the turbolift shaft. Others are still in their life pods. Bojay rushes in. Bojay: Athena, hello, darling! Athena: Bojay, oh, my sweet! You came to see me! Bojay: I couldn't stay away. I had to know that you were recuperating from that terrible fall and your battle with those ruffian security officers. Athena: Oh, they were no problem. I know how to handle them. And I've gotten used to things like that happening when Cordelia's around. I suppose I have to stay used to it, since Apollo still insists on marrying her. Bojay: Yeah... Uh, speaking of marriage... Athena: Yes? Bojay: Will you? Marry me, I mean? (Drops to one knee in appropriate fashion.) Athena: Bojay! At long last you've asked me to marry you! Oh, this is wonderful! I can order my gown from Amanda! And I can have all the Blue Squadron and bridge women as bridesmaids! And my father, the Commander, can preside over the ceremony! And we can have the reception on the Rising Star! And I can have my little brother play for it! Bojay: You want your brother to pay for it? Athena: No, not pay, play for it! Open your ears, Bojay! Bojay: Play? What can he play? Athena: Why, the music, of course. Bojay: You want a doctor to play music at your wedding? Athena: No, I want a musician. Bojay: Zac's a musician? Now who'd believe that? Athena: No, my other brother. Bojay: Apollo's a musician? Now that I don't believe! Athena: No, my third brother. Bojay: You have a third brother? When did that happen? Athena: The same time Zac did. His twin. Zeb. Bojay: Zac has a twin? Athena: Bojay, have you completely lost your memory? Zeb, the musician, remember? Bojay: (Thinking fast.) Uh ... uh ... it's you, Athena. Being in your beautiful presence makes me forget everything else. Athena: Oh, how sweet! But... Bojay: But what? Athena: Oh, dear... Bojay: Yes, my dear? Athena: No, I've been thinking... Bojay: I've been thinking, too. I still haven't heard you say yes. Athena: That's what I was thinking, too. Bojay: So we've both been thinking. That's a good thing. Shall we tell the Commander? Athena: Oh, he knows we think ... I think. But ... I was thinking about your proposal... (Looking around at all the avid witnesses.) Bojay, I just realized, I can't say yes... Bojay: But ... but ... how can we get married if you won't say yes? Athena: I ... I don't know... (She runs out of the room.) Bojay: (Looking around at all the witnesses.) But ... but... Starbuck: (From his life pod.) Don't feel bad, Bojay. She did the same thing to me. Wanted to marry me until I actually asked her. Then she couldn't hide behind a locker fast enough. She hasn't changed. You'll get over it. Can I recommend a good socialator? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "No, not Sheba!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 223 Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 223 Scene: A corridor somewhere aboard the Galactica. Bojay wanders, stunned at having been turned down by Athena, after hearing how much she loved him. Bojay: (Lost in thought.) I don't believe it... How could she say no? I thought she wanted to marry me... (Walks into wall and bounces back off. Pauses, realizing he's just as lost physically as he was mentally.) Where am I? I don't remember this corridor. Did I really just walk into a wall? Boomer's never gonna let me forget this... I've been walking into things ever since I walked into that tree back on that planet... [Bojay looks around as mysterious lights begin to move across the walls and ceiling, coming from unseen sources as if they were the back side of movie screens. Ominous music slowly builds in the background. Suddenly, around the corner, appear two children.] Bojay: Yikes! Children: Eek! Bojay: Children! What are children doing aboard the Galactica? Child #1, also known as Damian: What's a warrior doing aboard the Jolly and Cassie Ship? Child #2, also known as Alice: Are you here to find my feline? Bojay: What? The Jolly and Cassie Ship? Feline? But there are no felines - I heard Commander Adama wouldn't let them bring felines any more than daggits... Alice: There is too a feline! His name is Cheshire! Damian: (Nudging Alice.) He's a grown-up. He doesn't know. Alice: He shouldn't be on this ship anyway! Bojay: But this is the Galactica! Damian: (With a significant look at Alice.) That's what you think. Come on, Alice, let's go find your feline! [The children run off, leaving Bojay with a dumbfounded look on his face.] Sheba: Bojay? Bojay: (Jumping.) Yikes! Sheba, is that you? Sheba: Of course it's me! Who else would it be? Bojay: Did you see those children? What are they doing here? Sheba: (Puzzled.) Children? What children? Bojay: The children... Oh, never mind. Sheba, you're just the person I wanted to see. Sheba: Of course I am! I'm always the person you really want to see! Bojay: Right. And I think it's time we make it official. Sheba: Make what official? Bojay: Well, that we always see each other. Every day. Mornings and evenings. Days and nights. Dusks and dawns. And whatever's in between. As more than just wingmen. (Goes down on one knee.) Sheba, will you marry me and make the happiest man on this battlestar? Sheba: Oh, Bojay, that would be wonderful! Except... Bojay: Except? What kind of an answer is that? Oh, you mean accept, not except. Sheba: No, I mean except. I'm sorry, Bojay, but right now I'm just too shook up to contemplate getting sealed. Bojay: (Singing.) You're in love, you're all shook up! (Back to speaking.) What better reason to get sealed? Sheba: Oh, Bojay, please try to understand - now that my father is back, the great and powerful Commander Cain, the greatest military strategist the Colonies have ever known, I've got to reconsider my priorities, and get my life back together. I've got to get back to the Pegasus, and become daddy's little warrior again. I ... I have to figure things out with him. I can't marry anybody else. Bojay: Do you realize what that sounded like? Sheba: I mean, I can't get married until I've worked things out with my father. I've got father issues. You wouldn't want to marry me while I've still got issues, would you? Bojay: No, thinking about it that way, you're absolutely right. No man should marry a woman with those kind of issues. (Muttering.) I think I'm starting to see why you and Apollo never worked out. Sheba: Thank you for being so understanding. Now, I've got some shopping to do. I'll see you later, my dearest sweetest darlingest Bojay... [Sheba hurries away. The lights suddenly flicker, and Bojay spots a reflection off a spot on the floor.] Bojay: What's that? (Stoops to pick up the whatever-it-was that was reflecting light.) Hey, it's one of those medallions, the ones in Raleen's memo! One of those that the members of GETALIFE wear! (Peers after Sheba, eyes widening in horror.) Oh, no! Not Sheba! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a Pegasus cheerleader say, "It's the most perfect ship in the fleet under the most perfect commander that ever was and don't you ever say anything like that again or else!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 224 Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 "This is Journalator Aphrodite, reporting on the latest developments- [There is a sudden clattering above her, and several ceiling panels drop across the desk and the rest of the IFB set. Five silver-and-gold clad men and women carrying matching pom-poms and wearing the Pegasus insignia on their shoulders and across their megaphones drop from the ceiling onto the set.] Cheerleader #1, also known as Atlas: Ooof! Cheerleader #2: Yikes! Cheerleader #3: Aargh! Cheerleader #4: Owie-owie! Cheerleader #5: *Whimper*, *sniffle*... [They slowly pick themselves up, as the journalator and the videolator rush to help them.] Aphrodite: Lords of Kobol, who are you? What are you doing here? Atlas: This doesn't look like the Galactica... Videolator: It's not the Galactica, it's the IFB broadcasting ship! Atlas: What are we doing on the IFB broadcasting ship? Aphrodite: (Shrugging her shoulders and tossing back her long curly ringlets of blonde hair.) Trying to get on Survivor 13? Looking for the Missing Link? How should I know? What were you doing crawling around my conduits? Cheerleader #3: I wouldn't mind crawling around your conduits... Atlas: We weren't in your conduits. We were in the Galactica conduits! And I'll have you know it's the Weakest Link, not the Missing Link! Aphrodite: Whatever! Weakest, missing, same thing! Videolator: Well, that explains it. You must have taken a wrong turn and wound up in the Fleet Interdimensional Travel Space - FITS, for short. Cheerleader #2: I didn't know the Galactica had FITS! Aphrodite: Not many people know about it, but it does. Cheerleader #3: How long has the ship had FITS? Aphrodite: It's always had FITS. My father was stationed on the Galactica, and it had FITS then, and it had FITS when my grandmother was stationed there too. I thought every battlestar in the fleet had FITS. That's why they call it a Fleet Interdimensional Tavel Space, not a Z-dimensional Intership Travel Space! Atlas: The Pegasus doesn't have FITS! It doesn't have ZITS, either! Videolator: Maybe it's an older model? Cheerleader #2: It's the most perfect ship in the fleet under the most perfect commander that ever was and don't you ever say anything like that again or else! Videolator: Or else what? Atlas: Calm down, everybody, maybe the Pegasus doesn't have FITS, and maybe it is an older model - that just means it was first! Cheerleader #2, #3, and #4: Right! Rah, rah, Pegasus! We're number 1, we're number 1! Cheerleader #5: *Sob*... Aphrodite: Oh, don't cry... It's all right, I don't mind that you dropped in. At least it gave me a real story for today! Cheerleader #5: It's not that... Aphrodite: Then what it is? Cheerleader #5: (Stiff sniffling.) I broke my megaphone! Aphrodite: Oh... Well, I can't do anything about that. So I guess we'll just move on to the thirty-second secton anniversary episode of- "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 224 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where- Narrator: Oops, sorry, no time for an episode today. You'll all just have to come back next time. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Lomas say, "There oughta be a law!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episde 225 Date: Tue, 06 Nov 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 225 Scene: The laundry ship, where the female warriors have barricaded themselves in the spin cycle room, and are holding off security with every weapon and dirty trick at their disposal - or is that, every dirty weapon and trick at their disposal? Dirty laundry, anyway... Dietra: Take that, you blackshirts, you! (Launches several balled-up pilots' socks with her triad-trunk turbo-slingshot.) Reese: Incoming! [Half a dozen security officers scatter in panic.] Lomas: (Taking cover behind a pile of military tunics, bracketed by a mound of moldering towels to one side and heap of greasy coveralls to the other.) There oughta be a law against using used socks as ammo! Reese: (Also taking cover behind the pile of tunics.) I think there is. The Scorpio City Intercolonial Conventions forbid the use of bio-chem weaponry against fellow human beings, and those socks definitely fall in both categories! [A third officer, Tackleberry, running for cover, hits the greasy coveralls and suddenly goes flying, his feet sliding out from under him as the greasy fabric turns into a uncontrollable sled. Trying to regain his balance, he flails helplessly, and winds up headfirst in the towels, which suspiciously start wriggling as if they have a life of their own.] Tackleberry: Aaaaahhh! [Reese pulls him to safety and freedom.] Lomas: We've got to get around them! Officer #4, a/k/a Mahoney: (Glancing around.) Maybe we could head them off at the passage. Lomas: What are they doing at the passage? Mahoney: I'm not sure - but every now and then, I see one of them appearing and disappearing through that passage, carrying what look like buckets of Cheer. Tackleberry: (Rubbing his head.) I could use some cheer right now. It feels like something crawling in my hair! Lomas: (Grabbing the washcloth off the officer's head and hurling it back at the towel mount.) Ewh! I think that thing's alive! Sorrell: You think that was bad, hah! Try this! [She launches a pair of trousers used by somebody on the agro-ship for the worst of all possible duties. It's stiff, it reeks, and its very presence contaminates every item of clothing within a five meter radius.] Reese: Aargh! Forget the plan! Regroup at the dryers! [As the security officers cower before the undarned onslaught, a strange mechanical noise is heard. As all look on, one of Wilker's daggit droids makes his way down the corridor, his little antenna ears circling madly, his nose antenna extended as far as it will go.] Kanine: I am detecting human life forms among the laundry. I will carry out my protocol. Reese: What the-? Lomas: That's Dr. Wilker's mechanical daggit! Tackleberry: What's it doing here? Mahoney: Oh-oh, it's coming toward us! This can't be good! Reese: Yes, it can! It was good before, when the Rising Star was on fire! Maybe it's here to help us! Lomas: But then it was helping warriors, not Council security officers! Kanine: (Wheeling up to the huddled security officers.) You are the officers dealing with the mutiny of the Bounty? Reese: Yes, we are! [Kanine whirs; his side opens, and out spills a collection of breathers.] Mahoney: We're saved! [The officers quickly grab the breathers and pull them over their faces. Its mission completed, the brave and unfortunate daggits falls over and disintegrates from the fumes, and is quickly engulfed by the slowly moving mound of towels, which are now flickering green, purple, and orange.] Reese: All right, men, let's retake Station Sudsy and get Operation Wet Wipe back on the line! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gemi say, "That's what you think!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids -- Episode 226 Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 226 Scene: The battle for the laundry ship continues! The noble daggit droid Kanine has just given its existence to carry oxygen breathers to the security officers attempting to retake the laundry tub from Blue Squadron's female pilots. Now, normally, the women would be more than happy to give up the tub and let the men have it. But in this case, the tub is the ship and they're not giving it up without a fight - but they are still going to let the men have it. Reese: (Adjusting his breather.) Blue Squadron, we're ready for you now! Gemi: That's what you think! Even those breathers won't hold up long against this! (Launches several sectar-old - and well fermented - baby nappies and bibs long ago arrived from the Jolly and Cassie Ship.) Security officers: Aaaaahhhh! [As they scatter in terror, the nappies and bibs unroll in the air, spreading out to splat against walls and laundry piles, spreading the delightful scents of ... well, I think you can guess. Let's just say these guys won't be interested in talonplant for supper and they'll be holding their noses in the turboflush for a few days to keep from being reminded. As it is, they gather at the corridor, coughing and gasping for breath, despite their breathers, looking nearly as green as some of the flying clothing.] Lomas: I can't take it any more! How are they standing it? How can they bear the socks and the nappies and the towels and the trousers - not to mention the Triad trunks - without their eyes tearing and stomach turning and throwing up? Dietra: (Yelling.) That's why we're warriors and you're only Council security! Reese: Fall back! We'll regroup at the laundry chute and plan a counter-offensive! Lomas: I hate to tell you this, Reese, but there is nothing more offensive! Sorrell: (Gleefully shouting.) Oh, yes, there is, and it's coming your way! [A strange reverberation echoes through the corridors as security retreats. The entire ship seems to shake.] Mahoney: We'd ... better ... get ... out ... of ... here... Lomas: (Horrified.) That ... why, that's an unbalanced spin cycle! Reese: How do you know that? Lomas: My mother managed the elite dry cleaning and laundry business for Couturiers of Caprica. I grew up with that sound! Run for it! We've got to get to the shuttle! [They flee for the shuttle in the bay. However, as they rush out into the bay...] Reese: Stop! Lomas: Look! Mahoney: Listen! [The security guards stare as a wall of ... bubbles billows out from the other side of the bay, slowly sweeping over their shuttle and heading their way...] Reese: It's ... suds... Tackleberry: How ... how did they get so much suds? Lomas: They're definitely not using phosphate-free super miracle turbo-detergenton! Reese: What's that? Lomas: That's what mom always used. Mahoney: Why? Lomas: It made the whites whiter, the colors brighter, the light things lighter, and the tight things tighter! Ganymede loved it! Never wanted Mom to use anything else! Sometimes he even had her use it while the models were still wearing things. He said that's why he loved the no-suds aspect. Reese: Water and no suds on models to make the tight tighter and light lighter. Ganymede was a cad, wasn't he? Lomas: (Shrugging.) That's what Mom always said. Tackleberry: But how are we going to escape? The shuttle's buried in suds! Mahoney: Well, it's not like it was buried in dirt or anything. Maybe we can wade through it? Reese: You've obviously never tried to breath suds! Mahoney: Have you? Reese: All the time! Mom thought washing my mouth out with soap regularly would turn me into a warrior. Tackleberry: Did it work? [Everybody turns and stares at him.] Tackleberry: What? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Iblis say, "I think I see an opportunity." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 227 Date: Thu, 06 Dec 2001 Now, don't anybody forget their places... ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 227 Scene: The Galactica. A corridor. In a swirl of light and fog, a figure cloaked in white appears. Iblis: Ah-hah! I have returned, and I am here- (Pauses and glances around.) Where is everybody? I was supposed to be in the Council chamber... [A technician comes around the curve of the corridor. He's obviously just off shift, dressed in dirty, stained coveralls with holes at the knees, carrying a toolkit, sweaty and filthy.] Iblis: You! I have come to offer you the universe! Technician: (Staring.) Huh? Iblis: Anything you want, every heart's desire. You can lead this fleet, dominate your fellow men, command respect and adoration, see all of Cher's tattoos. All you need do is promise me your soul and pledge to follow me- Technician: (Glaring poisonously at Iblis's bright white clean, pressed, and worse-than-darned clothing.) The universe? You offer me the universe? Me, in my torn greasy coveralls and you in your spiffy new robes? Sure, you get your laundry done. But what about us poor slobs in the bays? Huh? Where's our whiter-than-whites and brighter-than-brights? You're just like the rest of the elite mucky-mucks with clean clothes - promise us everything, but when it comes down to it, they've got clean tunics and we've got greasy coveralls. What are a few tattoos compared to that? Follow you? Hah! Anything I want? Hah! Why should I believe the promises of a guy like you? Iblis: But ... but... Technician: Get lost! (Strides away, muttering to himself.) Iblis: I've obviously picked the wrong place to seek followers. Let's try... Scene: The Council chamber, where an argument is underway between the esteemed Councilors. Tinia: It is no more insane than your plan, and it has the added benefit of actually being doable! Melbrook: We really have the resources for that? Why aren't we doing it already? Belloby: Probably because it never occurred to you borays to do it. Geller: I resent that implication! Belloby: I'm not implying anything, I'm being perfectly straightforward about it! Melbrook: Straight forward! That's even worse! Isn't going straight forward going to get us into even more dire straits? Domra: Melbrook, you don't know music, and you don't know what you're talking about! Tinia: I'm not sure anyone here knows what they're talking about! Iblis: (Appearing in a swirl of cape.) I am here to lead you to sanctuary! Melbrook: Is that on our flight plan? What's our current ETA? Domra: There isn't an ETA! If we knew that, we wouldn't be arguing! Iblis: I can lead you into a land of bounty and safety, where all your wishes can be granted and your enemies humbled beneath your feet! [The councilors study one another calculatingly.] Geller: Really? All of them? Belloby: Why do I get the feeling that our wishes would cancel each other out? [The councilors resume squabbling.] Iblis: But... But... (They ignore him; sulking and confused, Iblis departs, leaving a really bad aura behind him.) Belloby: Who was that cloaked man? Domra: Who cares! Now, does anybody remember what we were talking about when we were interrupted? Melbrook: I don't think any of us knew what we were talking about before we were interrupted! Tinia: Hey, I already said that! Scene: Life Center, where several pilots can be heard grumbling and complaining about their current conditions. Iblis appears, somewhere in the background. Barton: I am so bored. Greenbean: My back hurts. My feet hurt. Starbuck: I'd do anything for a good massage. Iblis: I think I see an opportunity. Gentlemen, let me ... entertain you... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Greenbean say, "Emergency, schmergency." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 228 Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 228 Scene: Life Center of the Galactica. The Blue Squadron pilots, still recuperating from their starching and heeting, are now enjoying their medical leave, lolling about in their turbo life-pods, tanning lamps overhead and tropical music in the background, being tended to by attractive med techs and a couple of female dealers, bartenders, and dancing girls on leave from the Rising Star, none of whom look like Cher. Suddenly, their Commander strides in, looking harried. Adama: Blue Squadron, you're needed. [The Boys from Blue stare at him as if he's gone out of his mind.] Giles: (Letting a med tech plump his pillow.) But sir, we're on medical leave! Starbuck: (Laying on his stomach, letting one of the dealers massage his back.) Remember? We got starched and heeted! Barton: We can't fly Vipers, we can't handle missions! (Tosses down a card, while the two half-clad Pyramid dealers giggle.) All right, I win another hand! Each of you takes something off! Ares: (Accepting a drink from one of the bartenders.) Dr. Salik said we needed a few days off. Adama: That was then, this is now. An emergency has arisen! Greenbean: (Dreamily, as one of the gals continues giving him a pedicure.) Emergency, shmergency. Hercules: I'm sure it's nothing that can't wait until we're completely recovered. (Flexes his biceps while a scantily-clad, well-endowed, dancing girl clings to his other arm and sighs adoringly.) Adama: What is going on here? When did life center turn into a ... a small replica of the Ultra Salon on the Rising Star? Iblis: (Stepping into view.) Since I arrived, Adama. All of these men are under my thrall, while I grant their every wish. Adama: Iblis! No! Who let him in here? Iblis: I let myself in. Adama: You can't come in without an invitation! Iblis: That's vampires. I'm not a vampire. I don't need an invitation. Adama: Are you sure about that? Iblis: Absolutely. Double check your old Gemonese mystic tomes. And besides, it wouldn't matter if I did need an invitation. I've been invited aboard before, by Sheba and your own son, as you have reason to recall. Adama: Damn. Iblis: Every chance I get. So you see, you can't stop me from being here. And I think you can see that you can't stop me from taking the souls of these pathetic wimps you call warriors, buying them with cheap trinkets, cheaper booze, and the cheapest women available. And they're all available. Ares: Hey, who you calling pathetic, you over-the-hill Liberace wannabe with no sense of sequin fashion? Giles: And I can tell you, this med tech is not cheap! Adama: It would seem they are not all quite as enthralled as you believed, Iblis. Iblis: Stop! Shut up, all of you. Adama: You can't shut me up, I haven't submitted to you. Iblis: Well, in that case, I challenge you! Adama: What do you mean? Iblis: You know what I mean. Adama: No, I don't. Tell me. Iblis: Oh, come on. You've read your mystical tomes. You and your son... against me and my son. For the future of the fleet, Adama. You know where I'll be. And you know when I'll be there. And you know what will happen if you don't come. I'll see you there. (Vanishes in a cloud of mist and light. The dealers, bartenders, and dance girls disappear too.) Greenbean: Hey! She wasn't done with my pedicure! Barton: (Blinking.) What ... what was that? Adama: That ... was Iblis. Greenbean: Where are you going, sir? Adama: To re-read the mystical tomes. To learn more about the final confrontation of good versus evil, light versus dark, survival versus destruction, the good guys versus the bad guys. You know, me versus him, as was predicted long ago... But first, I need a drink. Starbuck: There was one here a centon ago... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "No one will recognize me now." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Epsidoe 229 Date: Sat, 08 Dec 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 229 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where a shuttle from the FeatherStar has just arrived. Several well-armed Miri Feathers disembark, including Gabrielle. Mississippia: But Commander Princess, are you sure it's safe for you to be here? Our latest intelligence says Commander Cain is still aboard! Missouria: Thank goodness IFB has somebody secretly following him! Gabrielle: It's not a secret. It's a journalator and a videolator doing a day in the life of Commander Cain for their Hero of the Centar show. Missouria: What kind of secret is that? Mississippia: Well, who'd suspect a journalator and videolator of being spies? Missouria: That's true... Mississippia: But Commander Princess, that still doesn't tell us how you're going to avoid being recognized. Gabrielle: (Smiling deviously.) Oh, trust me. No one will recognize me now. Missouria: How can you be sure? Gabrielle: I'm going to resort to that time-honored undercover method that has worked for numerous individuals with secret identities throughout the course of the history of the Colonies and comic books everywhere. Mississippia: What's that? Gabrielle: This! [With a flourish, Commander Gabrielle pulls out a pair of black-rimmed glasses and puts them on.] Mississippia: Ooh! That's devious! Missouria: But you're not a superhero! Gabrielle: Of course I am, just ask my fans. [Two more Miri Feathers disembark and join the group.] Thamesa: Hey, I thought Commander Princess Gabrielle was going to join us on the daggit hunt today. Where is she? Gabrielle: I am! I'm here! Avona: (Staring.) Who are you? Gabrielle: (Takes off glasses.) I'm Gabrielle! Avona: Ahh! What a clever disguise, I never would have recognized you! Thamesa: It certainly fooled me! Mississippia: But will it fool Commander Cain? Missouria: If it fools us, great trackers who know our Commander Princess Gabrielle as well as we do, and who know every Miri Feather aboard the FeatherStar, it'll fool one infatuated Colonial commander! [As if on cue- Nothing happens.] Narrator: Hey! Cue the Commander! [With a flourish of trumpets and the Miri Feathers looking expectantly in his direction, Cain strides into the bay.] Cain: A-ha! The Miri Feathers have returned! One of them is bound to know where the exquisite Gabrielle is. Miri Feathers! [The Miri Feathers glance about. Gabrielle steps forward.] Gabrielle: What do you want? Cain: I'm looking for Commander Gabrielle. Have you seen her? Gabrielle: Uh... not in the last few centons. Cain: Darn. Well, if you see her, tell her that the dinner invitation is still open, all right? Gabrielle: I'm sure she'll get the message. Cain: Thank you. Say, I don't think I've seen you before. What's your name? Gabrielle: Uh... Lindalee. Cain: Lindalee. Well, you tell her. (Strides toward his waiting shuttle.) Hmm, I could've sworn she looked familiar... (Glancing back, then shaking head.) Nah... Thamesa: Lindalee? Gabrielle: Old friend of mine. All right, Miri Feathers - into the conduits! Let's find those daggits! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "I think I'll leave now." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 230 Date: Sun, 09 Dec 2001 [This one's for Robert.] ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 230 Scene: The bridge of the Pegasus, where Tigh is pacing back and forth. Crewperson #2: Sir! We're picking up something! Tigh: What is it? Crewperson #2: It appears to be a shuttlecraft. Tigh: What's it doing? Crewperson #2: It appears to be coming in for a landing. Tigh: (Resuming pacing back and forth.) I wonder if I, as commanding officer, should allow that? Crewperson #2: Too late. It's already landed. Tigh: Oh. Do we know where it's from? Crewperson #3: Yes, sir. It's from the Galactica. Tigh: (Perking up.) The Galactica? Ah! That could be Commander Adama coming over to see how I'm doing as the officer in charge of the Pegasus! He'll be so impressed. Crewperson #4: Actually, sir, it appears to be Commander Cain, returning at last! Crew: Hurray! Tigh: Cut that out! Commander Cain. Frak. He won't be impressed. Nothing I did ever impressed him. Of course, he never impressed me that much either. As a person, that is. As a pilot and commander and strategist and tactical wizard, yes, I have to admit, he was pretty good. But the personal stuff kept getting in the way. No matter how good a person is at what he does, it's hard to like him when he's an arrogant, self-indulgent, proud, egocentric, self-important ... um... Crewperson #3: Would you like a thesaurus, sir? Tigh: Yes, thank you... (Accepts book and thumbs through it.) Hmm, haughty, disdainful... Crewperson #2: (Interrupting.) Sir, is there a moral to this story? Tigh: Yes. We've gotta stop picking up stuff. Cain: (Strides onto the bridge with a dramatic flourish of his swagger stick.) I have returned! Tigh: I think I'll leave now. (Exits stage left.) [The bridge crew lets out their standard "welcome back Cain" cheer.] Cain: So tell me everything that's happened. Crewperson #1: Well, first the planets came to be, but we still aren't sure how. Cain: We don't know, huh? I think I picked the wrong secton to give up ambrosa... Crewperson #1: And then the dinosaurs came, but they all got too big and then they died out. Crewperson #2: What has being too big got to do with dying out? Cain: I've definitely changed my mind about that ambrosa. Who's got a bottle? [Half the crew pulls bottles out from under their consoles.] Cain: (Fondly, as he accepts the nearest bottle.) Ahh, you're a good crew... Crewperson #1: They couldn't hide in the bushes from the slings and arrows of the fearless human hunters. Crewperson #2: So the Miri Feathers were there! Crewperson #3: Did they live happily ever after? Cain: How could they? They were probably already avoiding commanders even then. Crewperson #1: They're all dead! They didnt live at all! Crewperson #3: The Miri Feathers are dead? Crewperson #1: No, the dinosaurs. Crewperson #4: How about the purple one? Crewperson #1: They got him too. Crewperson #4: Three cheers for the fearless human hunters! All crew: Hurray! Crewperson #2: So what happened next? [Cain and crew settle in for a nice long story.] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a mysterious figure in white say, "Get out while you still can!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 231 Date: Mon, 10 Dec 2001 (And then back to be with this sickie...) ~ ~ ~ "Mongo is journalator for today. Mongo has nothing of deep philosophical impact to contribute; Mongo is just pawn in game of life, and merely tells it like it is. And what it is, is the thirty-third secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 231 Scene: The laundry ship, where a wall of suds is making its way aft from the shuttle bay. The security team rushes through the corridors, soaking wet and half covered with bubbles. Reese: Come on, we've got to find an escape route! Lomas: Every corridor we've taken has been full of suds! Mahoney: The entire ship is filling with suds! What can we do? Reese: We've got to keep trying! [They round another bend in the corridor and spot-] Tackleberry: Oh, no! More suds! We're trapped! [A mysterious figure in white approaches, lumbering out of the suds.] Mysterious Figure in White: Get out while you still can! Security: Aaaagh! Reese: Lords of Kobol, who or what is that? Lomas: Is it a ghost? Reese: Couldn't be. The laundry ship's never been haunted before. Mahoney: Is it an apparition? Reese: What would an apparition be doing here? Tackleberry: Is it a spectre? Reese: I hope not - Spectre's a Cylon. Lomas: So you tell us, what is it? Mysterious Figure in White: (Wiping suds away from its face.) It's just me! I got caught in the suds! Come on, we've got to get out of here! Reese: Colonel Tigh! What are you doing here? Tigh: (Brushing more suds off.) I just stopped on the way back from the Pegasus to the Galactica to check on the status of your attempt to retake the laundry ship. And I must say, I'm very disappointed! Lomas: You're disappointed? We've been pelted with dirty underwear, holey socks, and towels that seem to be alive! And now we've been driven from our only escape route by a wall of suds that cuts us off at every turn! Tigh: I know where to go! I know my way around this ship like the back of my hand! Reese: How's that, sir? Tigh: Thanks to Commander Cain, a long time ago, I spent a couple sectons on laundry detail. I still hate him for it. This way! Mahoney: We're saved! Tackleberry: Three cheers for the Colonel! [They rush around the corner to discover they've reached the laundry chute, and there's no other way out.] Tackleberry: There's no hope! We're trapped! Lomas: We'll be sent out the laundry chute! Mahoney: We'll be spaced! Tackleberry: And we're all wet! Tigh: Who are you calling all wet? Tackleberry: No, sir, I mean- [The laundry chute opens.] All Security Officers: Aaaagh! [They take that last long slide...] Tune in for the next exciting episode of :Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the captain say, "If that's true, what hope do they have?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 232 Date: Tue, 11 Dec 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 232 Scene: The bridge of the Federation starship Enterprise, where all crew are tensely on alert. Kirk strides in. Kirk: All right, what's going on? Why... the red alert? McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a narrator! Let someone else update you! Kirk: Spock? Spock: Certainly, Captain. We appear to be intercepting information about events from a universe known as "Battlestar Galactica." However, something is very wrong with that universe. Kirk: Wrong... in what way, Spock? I need... details! McCoy: Yes, the captain needs details, you pointy-eared hobgoblin! Spock: That's an old insult, doctor. Kirk: We're an old show. Come on, Spock, just tell me... what's going on. Spock: As you wish. It appears the current situation began with a series of relationship disruptions, which ultimately resulted in the marriage of two people named Jolly and Cassie, and their adoption of a large number of children orphaned in the Destruction of their Twelve planets, whom Jolly has a history of occasionally forgetting. Cassie had previously been involved with a warrior named Starbuck, who seems to have a great deal in common with you, captain, in the female companionship department, and also with a warrior named Cain, who seems to have a great deal in common with you in the strategy, military genius, and reputation department. We have no information on Jolly's past relationships. However, their adopted children seem to cause quite a stir whenever they appear. Kirk: I can see that. Reminds me... of an Amazon planet I once visited for a couple of weeks. Their kids could cause... quite a stir, too. Spock: I had become aware of that visit, sir. It appears a number of Amazons, perhaps the same ones, have joined the fleet as well. Kirk: Oh? Well, we'll make sure we... avoid contact with that fleet then, so we don't have to... um, worry about the Prime Directive. Remember that, Uhura, we're not... contacting them. Uhura: Aye, sir. (Aside.) We also don't have to worry about the child support. Spock: To provide additional data, another warrior, named Apollo, is engaged to a woman named Cordelia, whose very presence causes a statistically significant increase in accidents and injuries. His father, Adama, is involved with Tinia, a member of their governing Council of Twelve. Also on the Council are Belloby and such luminaries as Melbrook, Domra, and Geller. There appears to be a grave question as to the ability of the Council to carry out its function, which often results in Adama overruling them. Kirk: Civilian governments can be... difficult. But then... so can military... dictatorships. Spock: Yes. Recently addressed problems include a strike on the laundry ship, which is causing what appears to be a near civil war in the fleet; the recurring appearances of a being named Iblis, who appears to be a demon or other embodiment of evil; the return of a battlestar named Pegasus and its Commander Cain; the lingering effects of the murder of Ganymede, a well-known fashion couturier, by members of a mysterious sect known as GETALIFE; and the presence of ghostly historical creatures known as dire daggits. Kirk: My god... Spock... that all sounds... serious! Spock: Indeed. But perhaps of significance, there are suggestions of temporal anomalies and the presence of both ionized chronoton particles and universal metabolic Omega leptons. Kirk: (Pondering.) Anomalies and chronotons and leptons, oh my. If that's true... what hope do they have? Spock: Logically, none. McCoy: We should try to help them! Spock: We cannot. The ionized chronotons have created a poli-particlized field which, if we attempt to cross it, will cause our warp core drive to go critical and explode. The Omega leptons would cause a chain reaction ripple effect throughout the very harmonics of not merely their subspace but our own. In fact, I believe our very presence in this universe endangers them. Any attempt to approach or contact them directly could result in a massive matter-anti-matter-chronoton explosion that could wipe out their entire existence. Scott: Will our back-pack sized mass spectrometers be of any use? Spock: Doubtful, Mr. Scott. Scott: How about our Aldebaran whiskey? Spock: Possibly. McCoy: What are we doing here if we don't even belong in this universe? Spock: That is a logical question, doctor - the odds against our being here are astronomical to the point of infinity, and I cannot explain it. However, I have found that when dealing with humans, especially that singular group known as SF fans, logic may not always apply. I am sure we will find a way to leave them to their existence, such as it is, without destroying their universe. Sulu: What do you think, Pavel? Chekov: Sounds like a crock of borscht to me, Hikaru. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Barbarella say, "It's good to be the queen." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 233 Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 233 Scene: Wilker's old lab on the Galactica. Boomer is trapped in a daggit kennel, while Dr. Barbarella works on... something at one of the lab consoles. The good doctor is dressed like something from an old b-movie, close-fitting, lots of color, lots of glitz, and would probably be able to walk around unchallenged in the Emperor Ming's palace until Flash Gordon decided it was his wholesome wide-eyed heroic duty to rescue her and dress her in an ordinary modest dark two-piece suit with a white blouse and a lab coat and sensible flat shoes. (Bo-ring...) In his kennel, Boomer quietly works on something of his own, occasionally casting a furtive glance at the doctor. He's just wearing his warrior uniform. Boomer: (Stretching as much as he can in the close confines of the kennel.) Hey, how about a little caff to keep me awake? Barbarella: Hmm? Oh, caff. Sorry, no caff for you. But I think I'll have some. Boomer: Why? Barbarella: Because I want some. Boomer: No, I mean, why can't I have some? Barbarella: Because I'm in charge here, and you're in a cage. Isn't that right, my little daggit dearies? Little Daggit Stuffit: Arf! Barbarella: Therefore I get to say who gets caff and who doesn't. (Preening.) It's good to be the queen. Little Daggit Luffit: Arf! Boomer: You're mean. Barbarella: No, I'm mad. I'm a mad scientist. Everything else just comes along with it. Let's go get that caff, my little daggits. [Barbarella and daggits head toward one of the conduits.] Boomer: Why don't you just take the hall? Barbarella: You think I want to be caught in public in this outfit? Boomer: So why are you wearing it? Barbarella: It's the latest thing for mad scientists who want to take over the world. I saw it in Ganymede's last fashion show and I've been waiting for the chance to wear it. Can't let a Ganymede original go to waste, you know... Boomer: I see your point. Barbarella: Which one? There's fifteen of them on the hat alone! Boomer: Uh... right. All of them. You've got lots of points. I see them all. Barbarella: Hmm, you can see my points? Maybe when I get back we can talk about an alliance. I could use a few flunkies. [The doctor and her daggits vanish in the conduit. Her last words are a mutter of disgust as her three-feet-wide headdress catches on the side and she winds up trailing beads as she goes.] Boomer: A flunky for her? Not likely. I've been a flunky for Apollo and Starbuck long enough! I'm ready for a starring role! [Boomer quickly slips off his belt and begins flicking it across the lab table, pulling small parts and wiring to him.] Boomer: A-ha! This is exactly what I needed! (He continues rapidly tinkering the parts and tools he's managed to pilfer over the past day. Hey, that history of hotwiring hovermobiles is coming in handy!) Doctor, I hope you're listening... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Gabrielle say, "You're not what I expected." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 234 Date: Thu, 13 Dec 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 234 Scene: Space... the final frontier. Aboard the MiriFeather shuttle, exhausted MiriFeather warriors travel back to the FeatherStar to recuperate from the long centars of searching the conduits and passages of the Galactica for the mysterious spectral dire daggits. Why? Well, why not? A gal's gotta do something when she's not romancing heroes, rinsing out her leathers, or raising kids. Avona: Commander Gabrielle! Gabrielle: What is it? Avona: I'm picking up something! Gabrielle: Good for you! It is those arrows you dropped when we came aboard? Avona: Ooops! No, sorry, that's not it. Gabrielle: That stack of spears somebody tipped over back by the weaponry cabinet? Avona: Uh-uh. I didn't drop those, I'm not picking them up. Gabrielle: Rearranging your cleavage again to get the pieces of that broken necklace out? Avona: No. Gabrielle: Then what? Avona: It looks like a couple of bubble sculptures flailing around in space. Missouria: Do flubble sculptures flail? Gabrielle: Not as a general rule. Maybe they're just caught in a backlash from some ship or other. Missouria: Are there backlashes in space? Gabrielle: Uh... That's not important right now. Let's retrieve those bubbles. They might be important. [Over the next few centons, the Miri Feather shuttle grapples and retrieves the bubbles. Why they thought grapples could capture bubbles in space, who knows. By the time they're done, they've pulled aboard five collections of suds. They turn out to be- ] Tackleberry: (Wiping suds from his face and flinging handfuls of them in every direction.) We're saved! Hey, it's a babe! Mississippia: Can I kill him now? Reese: (Also blowing bubbles and spitting out suds.) Whew! If not for those bubbles surrounding us, we wouldn't have had any air to breathe! Mahoney: (Coughing and sputtering.) You call that breathing? Reese: Beats the alternative. Lomas: (Bubble-voiced, as though speaking through water and suds.) That's your opinion... Gabrielle: (Staring at the motley sudsy group.) You're not what I expected! Tigh: What were expecting? The Scorpian inquisition? Gabrielle: Nobody expects the Scorpian inquisition. I was expecting bubble sculptures, from the famous bubble sculptor Neptunia. Reese: Never heard of her. Gabrielle: That's your problem. In any event, I wasn't expecting a group of spaced security officers and a battlestar executive officer! Tigh: Everybody else gets spaced, why shouldn't we? Gabrielle: All right, you got a point there. So what are you doing out here in space, covered with suds? Tigh: Escaping the Laundry Ship. Lomas: You call that an escape? Whew, what a close shave! We almost got creamed! Tackleberry: (Licking his lips.) Doesn't taste like shaving cream... Reese: Cut it out, bubble-brain. Missouria: Will you quit throwing suds on me? Tigh: Security, that's enough with the soap comments! Gabrielle: Yeah, I think we've all heard enough bubble jokes. Lomas: Well, it is a soap opera. Gabrielle: Missouria, spear that one if he opens his mouth again. Missouria: Right, Commander Princess! Tigh: Can you drop us off on the Galactica? Gabrielle: Sure. Avona - reverse course. Back to the Galactica. Avona: But we just came from there! Gabrielle: It's that or listen to more bad bubble jokes! Missouria: The bubbles are evil?!?! Avona: Reversing course, double time... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "Last one there's a grid rat!" ----------- >Gabrielle: Rearranging your cleavage again to get the pieces of that broken necklace out? ;) That's a good one. She didn't even ask a warrior to help her. >Over the next few centons, the Miri Feather shuttle grapples and retrieves the bubbles. Why they thought grapples could capture bubbles in space, who knows.< "Pop goes the bubble. That's called poofing and popping. Can you say that boys and girls? Oh look, there are bubbles changing shapes. That's called severely warped bubble? Can you say those big words children? Oh no. There's a sud. No, it's a bobbled bubble. Nope, it's a humaninabubble." >Tigh: What were expecting? The Scorpian inquisition? Oh, Sire Melbrooks' Scorpian Inquisition, from History of the Colonies, Part IC & The inquisition What a sting The inquisition A Scropian fling You knows its vision To ming the sting ring pings >Tigh: Everybody else gets spaced, why shouldn't we? >Gabrielle: All right, you got a point there. So what are you doing out here in space, covered with suds? LOL! Are they looking for Muppet Pigs in Space? >Lomas: You call that an escape? Whew, what a close shave! We almost got creamed! Space him again. >Reese: Cut it out, bubble-brain. Holy Soapboxes, Batman. >Missouria: The bubbles are evil?!?! They are white aren't they? Iblis wears white doesn't he? Iblis is evil, right? What better way to infest himself than through trillions of bubbles? >Avona: Reversing course, double time... Hi Ho. Hi Ho. It's back to Galactica we go. To return the bubbles Who are causing us troubles. Hi Ho. Hi ho hi ho hi ho. No, I didn't have that much chocolate today. Robert -------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 235 Date: Fri, 14 Dec 2001 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 235 Scene: The O Club of the Galactica. At a table in the corner, Colonels Pascal and Majer are drowning their sorrows in a couple of ambrosas. Pascal: (Sighing loudly.) And I thought coming to the Galactica was a good career move! Majer: (Sighing not quite as loudly. Nobody sighs as loudly as Pascal. Nobody does anything as loudly as Pascal.) I believe you. Certainly better than being on the Pegasus. I mean, Cain goes through executive officers pretty fast. Pascal: Yes! After all, he's gone through five executive officers in the last three yahrens - and Adama's still on his first one! Majer: There may not be upward mobility, but there's something to be said for longevity... Pascal: And survival! [Enter Colonel Tigh, looking downcast and a little soapy, squishing as he walks.] Bartender: Hey, Tigh! You look like you could use a few suds! Tigh: (Grumbling.) I'm already in the suds. Bartender: Sorry to hear that. Just trying to be your basic humorous and sympathetic bartender. Tigh: You failed. Bartender: At least I've got nice hair. Tigh: That doesn't make me any happier. Bartender: Okay, well then, let me just offer you some ambrosa. Tigh: That I'll take. Bartender: (Handing it to him.) Cheers, Colonel. [Tigh takes the drink, then spots his fellow colonels, and joins them in the dismal corner.] Tigh: Mind if I join you? Majer: I don't know, I'm not sure we're on speaking terms... Pascal: Be nice, Majer! I get the feeling he's now a former executive officer of the Pegasus! Majer: Is that true? Tigh: (Sighing loudly.) Yes. Majer: Have a seat, buddy. Tigh: So what do former executive officers of the Pegasus do with themselves when they're not being spaced, ignored, or assigned to the laundry ship? Bartender: (Setting down another round of ambrosas.) Did you hear? Commander Cain's gone back to the Pegasus, and Commander Adama's burying himself in the archives to read some dusty old Gemonese mystical tomes written by the greatest mystics in the history of the Colonies. Tigh: Which mystics? Bartender: Nobody knows - there's some spell on 'em that makes people forget who wrote 'em or somethin'. Kinda cool, huh? Tigh: That's ridiculous! Bartender: As opposed to the rest of this saga? Tigh: You got a point. Majer: So who's in charge of the Galactica? Pascal: And the fleet!? Bartender: (Shrugging.) Position's open, from what I hear. Whoever shows up on the bridge, I guess. [The three colonels look at each other calculatingly.] Tigh: Last one there's a grid rat! [And they race out of the O Club at warp speed. Okay, they can't go at warp speed, wrong universe. So they go at Factor Four - re-watch "Take the Celestra," (heh-heh) you'll figure it out.] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Karibdis say, "You weren't going to tell him, were you?" ------ > Pascal: (Sighing loudly.) > Majer: (Sighing not quite as loudly - nobody sighs as loudly as Pascal > Tigh: (Sighing loudly.) Let's all sigh for the group. Or shall we have a sigh groupie? Or maybe we should sigh as a group. Perhaps we simply group our single sighs together. >Bartender: Hey, Tigh! You look like you could use a few suds! >Tigh: (Grumbling.) I'm already in the suds. Even though Ambrosa doesn't have bubbles as far as I know, imagine Tigh lifting the drink and bubbles floating up out of the cup and popping and hand's height above it. Or the bubbles collectively merge and become one big bubble for the colonel to pop. The Colonel popped the bubble. The Colonel popped the bubble. The Colonel's going to be in trouble for popping the bubble. Robert -------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 236 Date: Sun, 03 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 236 Scene: The prison barge, where the prisoners, including the Nomen, Baltar, Zara, Paye, and Karibdis, are now freely roaming the ship, since ... well, you'll see. Maga: I love having the run of the prison barge! Taba: Yes, ever since they pulled all the guards off the barge to deal with the laundry strike and the mutiny by the Red and Blue females, no one has been here to tell us what to do. Bora: (Sighing.) Of course, it's not much fun being rebellious, chip-on-the-shoulder, big, bad Nomen when there are no warriors or guards to irritate and plot against. Taba: We could always plot against Baltar and Zara and their GETALIFE people. Bora: I like that idea... Maga: I'm the senior Noman here, I get to say what we do! Let's go plot! Baltar: Hm, where are the Nomen going? Zara: Who knows? They're always going somewhere. Baltar: I just never trust them when they're going somewhere. I always wonder what they're up to. And knowing them, they're always up to something. Paye: I never trust them either, even when they're serving caff. Say, while they're gone, would this be a good time for an escape? Zara: Heavens, no, we'd have to make and serve our own caff! Karibdis: We have to make our own caff now - and I'm really getting tired of fixing that espresso machine every other day! Baltar: Let's take over the fleet, and order everyone else to make our caff! Zara: Oooh, I like that idea! Karibdis: I don't know if we could get away with that. Zara: Why not? Karibdis: They may have pulled all the guards off this ship, but there are still guards and warriors on the other ships. Paye: Oh, that's true... Karibdis: And I suspect if we were to try to take over the fleet, Adama wouldn't negotiate with us any more than he did last time, and Cain wouldn't hesitate to blow us out of the stars. Zara: That's right! (Gazing suspiciously at Baltar.) He really hates Baltar. Paye: We all hate Baltar. He betrayed the Colonies. And we hate Karibdis too, for the same reason. Zara: Yes, but Cain really, Really, REALLY hates Baltar. Baltar: I'll bet he hates Karibdis too. He just doesn't know Karibdis is still alive. Karibdis: You weren't going to tell him, were you, Baltar, my dearly beloved boss whom I adore like a son loves a father and would do anything for? Baltar: Oh, quit sucking up, I remember you were ready to kill me. Karibdis: Only to kill Apollo - and killing him would be worth a little death, wouldn't it? Baltar: Not when it's mine! Paye: I hate it when those two start fighting. Zara: Yes. Makes me wonder how they ever managed to pull off the destruction of the Colonies the way they did. Paye: Shall we go have some caff? Zara: No, the caff is especially lousy today. I think Karibdis was in a bad mood when he worked on the espresso machine this morning - a computer whiz he may be, but a barrista he's not. Paye: I have an idea, let's see if we can sneak off the prison barge and go to the Rising Star! They're bound to have good caff there! Zara: Why not? The worst that can happen is we get shot out of the stars - and if we can't have good caff, life isn't worth living anyway. [Meanwhile:] Scene: An abandoned laboratory on the Galactica, where Boomer is still trying to reach the mysterious doctor, before Barbarella returns with her caff and her dire daggits droids. Boomer: (Still in the kennel.) Come on, Doctor, when are you...? Barbarella: (Face appearing out of conduit, her headdress somewhat askew and still trailing beads, as a blue police box appears in the corner.) Here I am! Hey, what's that? Boomer: Oops... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Barbarella say, "I thought I was the Doctor." --------- > Zara: Heavens, no, we'd have to make and serve our own caff! Would that be terrible having all the prisoners making caff for themselves? :) Zara: "Was that 3 or 4 handfulls of the caffbeans?" Paye: "I think it was 3." Baltar: "You're both wrong. It was 6, We need the strong stuff." Zara: "Speak for yourself. It must be 4." Paye: "I think I can handle 5." Baltar, impatient at all this guessing as to how much of the caffbeans are needed to make a decent caff, grabs the container and dumps half of it into the Turbo Caffbrewer: "There, that'll be more than enough for everyone. Now brew it so I can think up my next ingenious plan. Mighty warriors can't think without a strong whiff of fresh remade caff." Robert ----------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 237 Date: Sun, 03 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 237 Scene: Wilker's abandoned lab on the Galactica, damaged in the explosion of a captive Cylon when Boomer and Starbuck attempted to tamper with it, and then taken over by Dr. Barbarella and her daggit droids (which are not the same as the dire daggit spectres which are haunting the Galactica conduits), where Boomer is being held prisoner, but has managed to construct a temporal communicator and is attempting to reach the Gallifreyan Doctor whose previous appearance was the cause of significant temporal disturbances in the fleet, including a love triangle of Bojay, Sheba, and Athena, and the survival of Zac, who initially died at Cimtar, but who now is not a warrior, but a doctor and very much alive, and the existence of Zed, his twin, who's also not a warrior, but a musician with the Spheroids, and meanwhile, don't forget Paye and Zara are escaping the prison barge, and I think that's enough stuff to put in one run-on sentence. Barbarella's just come back through from the conduit with caff, in time to see the appearance of a big blue box. The door pops open, and out steps a blond young-looking man. Doctor: Well, hello, Boomer! It's been a long time! Relatively speaking, of course, since it's only been a few days for you, but I've regenerated since I last saw you, and it's my second regeneration since I first saw you. Barbarella: Huh? Boomer: Oh-oh. Barbarella: What is that blue box doing in the corner? And who is this man and what is he talking about? Doctor: Hello! I'm the Doctor! Barbarella: I thought I was the Doctor. Boomer: No, you're a doctor. He's the Doctor. Barbarella: That's not fair. Doctor: (Grinning.) I think you'll find that a lot of this universe is unfair. Barbarella: Believe me, I've already figured that out. But where did you come from, and what are you doing here? And how did you get that big blue box in here so quickly? It looks like it would take five men to carry it! Doctor: (Grinning more broadly.) Nobody carried it - it's a TARDIS, it carries itself. And it carries me too, and all kinds of other wonderful things. Barbarella: (Skeptically.) Isn't that a little egotistical? Doctor: Well, I am the Doctor, I'm allowed to be a little egotistical. And from the way you're dressed, I'd say you are too. Nobody else could get away with an outfit like that - but on you it looks good! Very reminiscent of the court garb of Emperor Ming of Mongo. Barbarella: The journalator Mongo? Doctor: No, the kingdom of Mongo. Barbarella: How can Ming be an emperor if it's just a kingdom? Doctor: He's got delusions of grandeur. His type generally do. How about you? Barbarella: I'm a mad scientist. I plan to take over the universe. Doctor: Ah! I see you've got things in common. So, Boomer, why did you call me? Boomer: Uh, there are some things that need to be set right... Doctor: (Studying the kennel and the dire daggit droids romping at Barbarella's feet.) A number of them, I would say. Hmm, this calls for a little strategy. So, doctor who's not me, since I am Who, shall we all take a little time to get acquainted? I can offer you some tea. Barbarella: I hate tea. In fact, I'm not too keen on the caff these days, either. Nobody in the fleet seems to make a decent cup of anything. Doctor: Well, it just so happens that I've got a little caff stored aboard my TARDIS - for visitors and would-be emperors and mad scientists about to take over the universe. Barbarella: Sounds great. Can I bring my little daggit droids too? Doctor: Of course. I've got no objections to daggit droids. Boomer: Hey, what about me? There are some things I need to do - like fix the time stream so things are the way they're supposed to be! Doctor: How do you know they aren't already the way they're supposed to be? Boomer: Trust me, they're not. Doctor: You think so? (Grins mysteriously.) Well, then, come on, both of you. We'll have a little caff or tea, and see what's happening when! Barbarella: You're inviting Boomer too? I'm thinking of keeping him for a flunky. Do you invite flunkies to come with you? Doctor: Oh, all the time. Who better to serve the caff or tea than a companion ... uh, flunky? Boomer: I am nobody's flunky! Barbarella: Then I'm not letting you out of there. Boomer: Oh, all right... I'll serve the caff - but I'm not doing windows! Doctor: Good thing the TARDIS has no windows... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Where's my son when I really need him?" ---------- > and I think that's enough stuff to put in one run-on sentence. My mind ran out of marbles reading it. Watch where you step while I collect my marbles off the dance floor. > Doctor: Well, I am the Doctor, I'm allowed to be a little egotistical. And from the way you're dressed, I'd say you are too. Nobody else could get away with an outfit like that< Welcome to Battle of the Doctor Ego's starring a Doctor who thinks she's the Doctor and the Doctor who knows he's the doctor, trying to remind her she's only a doctor. There can't be two known as the Doctor. Witnesses for the Battle of Ego's are Village of the Egobusters, who are not related to the Spectral Ghostbusters. Stay Tuned for the Doctor's Blue Box is matched up against a Doctor's Sexy uniform. > Barbarella: I'm a mad scientist. I plan to take over the universe. Give a point to the Doctor, er scientist doctor, or is it doctor scientist, in the sexy uniform. > So, doctor who's not me, since I am Who, Who's on first? > Boomer: Trust me, they're not. Besides, Boomer needs the air-time. :) > Well, then, come on, both of you. We'll have a little caff or tea, and see what's happening when! No chocolate milk? Excuse me while I go pour a glass of chocolate syrup with a touch of milk. > Boomer: I am nobody's flunky! >Barbarella: Then I'm not letting you out of there. >Boomer: Oh, all right... I'll serve the caff - but I'm not doing windows! Chuckle. Boomer, does she have rosey cheeks for when you puckered up? Robert ---------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 238 Date: Sun, 03 Mar 2002 "This is Journalator Koppel. The stand-off on the laundry ship appears to be over - because our security forces, sent to retake the ship, have retreated in suds. They report the ship has been overwhelmed with bubbles, and is completely uninhabitable. We are all extremely concerned about the safety of the women from Red and Blue Squadron, sent to handle the vessel and the mission in the midst of the laundry strike emergency, whose mutiny may be responsible for the sudsy situation. We are even more concerned about the status of our favorite Ganymede original tunic, which was aboard for washing when the bubbling began. More details as they become available. Meanwhile, here's the thirty-fourth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 238 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where three colonels have just rushed in, to discover which of them would get to take command of the battlestar, the fleet, and life as we know it. They find themselves facing ... a wall of books and vids, and ... Adama. Tigh: (Staring.) But ... but... Majer: (Tears welling up in his eyes.) I don't get to take over the ship? Pascal: (Glaring) The bartender said you were gone, sir! Requesting permission to execute him, sir! Adama: (Staring back at the colonels in mild confusion.) Permission denied. We like our bartender. He's humorous and sympathetic and he's the reason half of the women in the squadrons joined, so they could go the O Club and meet him. What are you all doing here, and what made you think I was gone? You know I'd never leave the Galactica - well, except to go to the Rising Star to watch a Triad game, or to Kobol to review ancient hieroglyphs and Pyramids that no one but me would understand, or to visit simple farming communities to buy seed because I was forced to by someone like Belloby, or- Tigh: Of course, sir, we should have known better than to believe the wild rumors you hear in the O Club. Majer: Ummm, is the flight officer position open? [There is a mumbling sound, and a hand appears above the stack of books and videos, waving weakly.] Omega: I'm here... Get me out of here... Adama: Sorry, Omega, no one else can get to your post, since I built that wall of books around it. You'll have to stay on duty. Omega: But I have to go to the turboflush! Adama: Sorry. You're stuck for the duration. Tigh: (Studying the stack of books and videos.) So what are you reading, Commander? And why? Adama: Iblis has returned, Tigh. And he has challenged me. I must be ready to face him. Pascal: By building a wall of books?! Adama: By reviewing every scrap of mystical knowledge still extant in the fleet. The wall is just a last resort. Majer: Wow, there's a lot. Tigh: I never believed in that stuff... Majer: You don't? I do, Commander! I believe it! I believe everything you say! I love ancient mysticism! I love resorts! Tigh: Quit sucking up. Adama and I balance each other. Majer. Oh. Adama: Hmm, according to this... (Looks around.) Where's my son when I really need him? Tigh: Which one? Adama: Any of them! Tigh: Umm, I think Apollo's with Cordelia, picking out her wedding gown on the Rising Star at Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe and probably about to submit a massive bill for torn hems and ripped sleeves. Dr. Zac is on duty in life center, in the midst of a difficult experimental operation on one of the members of the Council of Twelve while Med Tech Nova is secretly harboring her true feelings for him. Zeb is on the Video ship, preparing a Spheroids music video for broadcast on IFB, about to face another mystery related to the secret sect known as GETALIFE. Majer: (Disbelievingly.) How do you know all that when you haven't even been on the ship? Tigh: (Shrugs.) That's another reason he keeps me around. Pascal: He probably just read tomorrow's script! Adama: (Slamming the book shut.) Let the word go forth to every ship in the fleet. Bring my children here, all of them! The danger of Iblis must be met and defeated, if humanity is to survive! Pascal: Even Athena?! Adama: Yes. Even Athena. You never know. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Oops." --------- >because our security forces, sent to retake the ship, have retreated in suds. Were they wishy washey or simply washed up? :) :) :) >Omega: But I have to go to the turboflush! >Adama: Sorry. You're stuck for the duration. Oh No! The new "Stuck in the..." begins. Narrator's soft voice: Many yahrens ago, Bojay became stuck in the turboflush, and was only recently discovered to be missing. The janitor and maintenance crew found him alive looking like Ripper VanWinkle-Wonkle. He was taken to the IFB makeup department for a new look to be ready for this story. However, Omega has become the next one. Fortunately, he's not all flushed out as Bojay was. He's simply bookwormed in "Stuck in the Wall of Books." We don't need no pages around us. We don't need no library control. No dark sarcasm in the bookshelves. Teacher leave us Flight Officers alone. All in all it's just another book in the wall. >Tigh: Quit sucking up. Adama and I balance each other. After all, we don't have the seesaw in the special command room for nothing. >Majer: (Disbelievingly.) How do you know all that when you haven't even been on the ship? >Tigh: (Shrugs.) That's another reason he keeps me around. Why he's the Omniscient Officer. Why else would he be the great second-in-command of the Galactica, Majer? Why if you think the trio of Adama, Tigh and Omega could be broken about the Mighty G, you'll be reduced to a private, Majer. Robert ---------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 239 Date: Sun, 03 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 239 Scene: Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe aboard the Rising Star. Apollo waits patiently for his beloved Cordelia, who is trying on gowns of many fabrics and colors. Amanda, however, is looking a little frazzled. There are actually a few blonde hairs out of place, although they look artistically wind-blown enough that the average viewer wouldn't notice. Apollo: Sorry about ripping the sleeve of that last dress, Amanda. Amanda: (Through gritted teeth.) Think nothing of it. It was only the third one you ruined. Apollo: It really looked beautiful, and I'm sure if I hadn't ripped it, Cordelia would have chosen it to wear at our sealing. But I'm sure she'll love this one too. [Cordelia comes out of the dressing room, swathed in yards and yards and yards of assorted delicate, wedding-dress-type fabrics. The stuff's so sheer, however, that anybody watching can still get an eyeful, and-] Cordelia: Apollo, stop looking at me that way! And stop whistling, hooting, hollering, stamping your feet, and otherwise behaving like a stereotypical boorish construction worker in a bad episode of "Son of the Beach." Apollo: It wasn't me, Cordelia, really! I wouldn't do that! Cordelia: Then who is it? Apollo: The narrator! The audience! Cordelia: (Entreating.) Amanda, do something... Amanda: Not a problem. (Snaps her fingers. The gown goes from transparent sheer to opaque silver trimmed with blue and the audience is suddenly speechless.) There. How's that? Cordelia: Aah! Thank you! Apollo: Ooh, it's beautiful, Cordelia! Cordelia: The silver matches the trim on your blue officer's uniform, Apollo! And the blue trim matches the blue of your blue officer's uniform! Amanda, you've done it again! It's perfect! Amanda: Thank the Lords... Wait! Apollo, step back! Apollo: What? Why? Amanda: Uh... Because it's bad luck for a groom to get too close to his bride before the wedding day! Especially when she's wearing her new sealing gown! Especially when it hasn't been paid for yet! Especially after you've already ruined three originals and turned down fifteen others! Apollo: Oh, you're right. Okay. (Steps back. And backs into a rack of gowns. Guess what happens.) Oops... Sorry about that rack of dresses, Amanda... Amanda: (Looking ready to tear her artistically wind-blown-looking hair out.) I'm glad I could never have children! They might have been like you! Apollo: Now how could they be like me? Only my father could have children like me! Amanda: Don't I know it! Apollo: Brave, heroic, handsome, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, willing to sacrifice everything for the good of our people... Amanda: Able to topple hundred-thousand-cubit dress racks with a single stumble. [Mauser, one of the workers at the Ultra Salon on the Rising Star, dressed in silver and black and looking awfully good in what there is of it, rushes in.] Mauser: We've just received word from the Galactica! Captain Apollo, you're needed on the bridge, by Commander Adama, right now! Apollo: My father needs me! Let's go, Cordelia! Mauser: No! Specific orders are that Cordelia is not to go with you. Uh, she's supposed to finish her shopping! And stay on the Rising Star, no matter what! Cordelia: How did Commander Adama know I was shopping? Mauser: Colonel Tigh told him. Apollo: Are you sure it wasn't Omega? He's the one who knows everything. Mauser: Well, maybe he told Tigh and then Tigh told Adama. Apollo: Okay, that would explain everything. Okay. Cordelia, I guess we have to say good bye- Amanda: No kissing good bye while she's still wearing the dress! Uh, the wedding curse thing, remember? No getting close? Cordelia: Don't worry, Apollo. (She blows kisses to him.) Amanda and Mauser can help me finish. I'll be in good hands. Apollo: Right, right. All right, Cordelia, good bye. (Blows kisses back.) Amanda, Mauser, take good care of my precious Siress Cordelia... Amanda: We will, Captain. Mauser: (Getting a good look at Cordelia.) Indeed we will... Siress Cordelia, let me lend you my arm... Cordelia: Oooh... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Dr. Zac say, "I've got a life to save, and I can't do it in life center." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 240 Date: Sun, 03 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 240 Scene: Life center aboard the Galactica. Tense, dramatic music plays in the background. Zac and several masked med techs are working over a patient in what is obviously a very serious operation of life or death importance. Nova: (Rushing into the operating room.) Doctor! Zac: Mask, med tech! Nova: Oh, right. (Rushes out, then reappears a bare micron later, fully masked and garbed for surgery.) Doctor! Zac: Yes, Nova, what is it? Nova: There's been an emergency with the power generators! Zac: We can't have an emergency with the power generators! I'm in the middle of a delicate and experimental operation on this Councilor's brain! Nova: Wow, you actually found one? Zac: Yes - and believe me, I don't want to lose it now! I may never find it again! So what's the emergency? Nova: Commander Adama is threatening to cut off the power generators! Zac: What? I know he hates the Council, but I can't believe he'd do that! Why? Nova: Supposedly, he needs to divert the power to the communications system and the scanners to enable him to track down all of his children and summon them to join him on the bridge of the Galactica so he can face down the evil demon Iblis! Med tech: But if he does that, we may lose this patient, doctor! Zac: I may lose more than my doctor's patience. I may lose this councilor! Med tech: Isn't that what I said? Zac: Wait! I know what to do! Nova: What? Zac: If my father's diverting power to enable him to find his children, of which I am one, all I have to do is report in, and he'll have no reason to divert the life center generator power! Nova: (Gazing raptly with adoration.) You're a genius, Dr. Zac! Zac: I know. Med tech, call Dr. Salik to take over this operation. I've got a life to save, and I can't do it in life center. Med tech: Right away, doctor. [Zac steps away from the operating table as Salik steps in. Zac pulls off his surgical whites and mask, which Nova quickly collects, hugging it to herself.] Zac: You know, Nova, it's a little strange to be hugging used surgical garb. It's bloody and icky and kinda sweaty and just plain weird. Nova: But doctor, I love you! I love everything about you, from your gorgeous hair and handsome face and tensely focused voice when you're in surgery, to your wonderful broad shoulders and [several paragraphs deleted by censorship board] all the way down to your cute little tootsies! And I collect your used surgical scrubs to remind me of you and the way your skilled and talented hands save so many lives. Zac: How many scrubs have you collected? Nova: I don't know, but my quarters are full of them and I have to sleep in the hall. Zac: Well, that explains why we're always running out of surgical supplies. But Nova, you know nothing could ever come of us! I'm engaged to Gabrielle! I love her! You could never be anything to me but a one-night stand, a quick fling, a passing memory as the days and yahrens of my life pass, the source of future despair and alienation and plot lines... Nova: I'd settle for that. Zac: But I can't. Nova: Why not? Zac: Gabrielle would kill me. I wouldn't have any days and yahrens of my life to pass. Nova: Darn. Well, then I guess you'd better report the bridge as ordered by Commander Adama, before he cuts off our power. Zac: On my way. Good luck with the surgery, Salik. Salik: Thanks, Zac. Drat, now where was that brain again...? Sire Melbrook: (Sitting up) Help! [A med tech immediately pulls out a sledge hammer and administers anesthesia.] Salik: Thank you, med tech. Hand me the laser saw... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Zeb say "Oh, bad karma." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 241 Date: Sun, 03 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 241 Scene: The holovid ship, where Zeb and the Spheroids are filming a new music holovid, while the director, the agent, several videolators, and a gaggle of groupies watch. Zeb swings across the set from a vine; fifteen baton twirlers toss flaming batons back and forth; three flame spouts whoosh from the floor almost to the ceiling; two turbocycles caroom loudly across the set (yes, turbocycles - you remember the abomination known as G80); a flashy gold curtain rises to reveal a pair of scantily-clad, blue-and-silver painted alien-looking females riding striped leonine animals; the music swells... And then security officer Lomas rushes in. Lomas: (Still a little wet behind the ears from the laundry ship rescue.) Stop this scene! Director: Cut! Who are you and what are you doing here? This is a closed set! Lomas: I'm security officer Lomas, and I've been sent to find Zeb, the musician son of Commander Adama, and bring him back to the Galactica to join his father and brothers on the bridge! Zeb: (Dropping onto the stage as his vine stops swinging wildly.) Sorry, I can't do that. Lomas: Why not? Zeb: Can't you see I'm in the middle of filming of my latest soon-to-be-a-hit music holovid? Leonine animals: Grrr... Zeb: See? Lomas: What's that got to do with the survival of the fleet and the banishment of evil and the continued existence of the universe? Zeb: Hey, you think my groupies care about little things like that? Agent: All right, buddy, you heard the man, stop interfering with the music holovid. Lomas: But ... but... Zeb: That may be my better side, but I'm saving it for later in the holovid. [Fifteen pairs of women's underwear come flying out of the shadows; Zeb barely dodges.] Zeb: Oh, bad karma! Agent! Tell the audience and the groupies not to throw any more underwear until the laundry ship is back in operation. Agent: Right, Zeb, baby. All right, ladies, you heard the great and powerful Zeb... Lomas: But ... but... Leonine animals: Grrr... Zeb: Do I need to sic the leonines on you? Lomas: Yikes! (Grabs the nearest vine and quickly climbs out of reach.) Zeb: Hey, he's good at that! Maybe he can be my stand-in. Or swing-in. I was never a good swinger. Agent: Zeb, baby, you're the greatest swinger! Zeb: Yeah, yeah, and you're the greatest boot-licker. Director: (Sighing heavily.) This music video is going nowhere! Zeb: Of course it's going somewhere! The fleet is moving, the ship is moving, therefore the music video must be moving. Director: Are you kidding? At this rate I'm going to have gray hair by the time it's done! Zeb: Wow... But if you'll have gray hair, won't I already be dead? Agent: Probably, Zeb, baby. We all will. That guy would put Dick Clark to shame. [Enter Secret Agent Jennifer of Council Security.] Jennifer: (Striking an appropriate pose - use your imagination.) Hi, there. (Flashes a smile.) I'm looking for Zeb the musician. Every man on the set: (Dropping to their knees.) I can be Zeb for you! Jennifer: (Laughing indulgently.) I'm sure you all can ... but I just want one Zeb... The real Zeb... The only Zeb for me. Zeb: I'll follow you anywhere... Jennifer: You only have to follow me to the bridge of the Galactica. Zeb: When did you start working for my father? Jennifer: When Siress Tinia loaned me out to the Commander because the rest of security was stranded on the laundry ship. Now come along... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Athena say, "Sure, now you look for me!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 242 Date: Sun, 03 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 242 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Apollo, Zac, and Zeb all rush in. Apollo: Commander Adama! Father! Zac: We're here! Zeb: What's the emergency? Adama: Ah, my three sons. All here, as ordered. Tigh: Um, didn't you want Athena here, too? Adama: Oh, that's right... Did somebody go looking for her? [The three colonels and three sons look at each other.] Majer: Uh ... was somebody ordered to look for her? Pascal: Wasn't me, sir! Tigh: I thought you ordered someone else to find her. Zac: Couldn't have been me. I'm a doctor, not a missing person finder. Zeb: Don't look at me. I'm a musician, I don't even know my way around this ship. Apollo: I'll look for her, Father. Where shall I start? Adama: Hmm... Athena's Voice: Hey! Colonels and sons: (All together.) What's that?! Athena's Voice: It's me! Adama: Athena, where are you? Athena's Voice: I'm here! Adama: (Looking around.) Here where? Athena's Voice: Here! On the bridge! [Everyone looks around.] Apollo: Where? Athena's Voice: Here! (A hand sticks out of the stacked books and vidoes and waves.) I'm here! You buried me in books along with Omega! Omega: Are you sure I can't go to the turboflush? Adama: Shut up, Omega. Athena, come out of those books right now. I need all my children here. Athena: Sure, now you look for me! Now you need me here - after you send out fleet-wide emergency alerts to find my brothers! You didn't even realize I wasn't here until they all showed up! You didn't even realize I was here! Majer: (Looking puzzled.) We didn't realize she was here, or didn't realize she wasn't here? Adama: Now, Athena... Athena: What if I'd been kidnaped by Cylons or beta pirates or civilian survivors or fellow officers with mushie motives? Tigh: (suddenly looking alarmed.) Nobody said anything about mushies! Athena: What if I'd gone on furlough to the Rising Star without telling anybody and without getting a substitute to handle my duties? Pascal: (Muttering. Well, as much as he's capable of muttering.) Can she do that?! Go on furlough?! Majer: (Also muttering.) She's a commander's daughter, she can do anything she wants. Remember how often Sheba got away with things on the Pegasus. Tigh: Sheba still does. Athena: I mean, would you even have noticed, Father? Apollo, Zac, Zeb, dear brothers, would any of you even have noticed? Majer: Boy, can she throw a tantrum! [Books and videos suddenly go flying as Athena performs a magnificent scissors kick (not that anyone can see it, you'll just have to imagine it) and appears out of the now-tumbled remains of Adama's carefully constructed stacks.] Tigh: She can also kick. Apollo: Yeah, just ask Starbuck and Bojay and half the security officers on this ship. Athena: (Stalking over to join her brothers.) All right, Father, whaddaya want? But it's gonna cost you. Whenever this crisis is over, I'm going shopping! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boxey say, "Will you take some mushies instead?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 243 Date: Tue, 05 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 243 Scene: The Jolly and Cassie Ship. Boxey and a group of children are cheerfully clustered around a crate just delivered from the Bakeryship. Luna: Wow! Look what the Dread Captain Robert sent us today! Moonstone: Well, that was the deal with Papa Jo and Mama Cass - all the mushies we wanted and pool parties on Saturday. Luna: What's a Saturday? I don't remember ever having one. Boxey: I think it's the out they use when they don't want us having a pool party. Luna: Oh. That explains why they never let us have a pool party. Can we start on the mushies now? [Enter Jolly and Cassiopeia, looking rather... dazed and mesmerized and stunned and generally under someone else's control. With them is... Damian. However, it's a strangely adult Damian, all grown up, overnight. And boy, is he good-looking! He's tall and dark and slim with dark eyes and a mustache - but no beard. Uh-uh, no beard. Think Ben Affleck.] Damian: Good bye, oh playmates of my brief and supernaturally accelerated childhood. I'm ready now. [The children peer at him quizzically.] Boxey: Ready for what? Damian: Ready to carry out my mission here. Ready to go help my father take over the Galactica, the fleet, the galaxy, and the universe. Luna: That sounds like more than one mission. Boxey: Wow. In that order? Damian: Seems the most logical way, start small then move up. Boxey: I guess so. But it sure seems like a lot of work and not much fun. Damian: Nobody ever said taking over the universe was going to be fun. Boxey: Then why do it? Damian: Uh ... because my father says so. Boxey: That's a stupid reason to do something. Damian: Hmmm. Boxey: Will you take some mushies instead? Damian: I don't think so. My father wouldn't approve of that. Boxey: But ... but these are the dread Captain Robert's very best double-choco choco-frosted mushies with choco chip cookie centers wrapped around an extra-large choco with a cherry center! Damian: Sorry, Boxey, but I'm beyond mushies now. Boxey: Beyond mushies? No! There's no such thing! Damian: (Staring longingly at the tray of mushies.) I wish. But my father says I'm beyond mushies, so I have to be beyond mushies. Boxey: If my father tried to tell me I was beyond mushies, I'd tell him where to go. Damian: I think he already came from there. But I gotta go now, Boxey. See you later! Maybe. Papa Jo, Mama Cass, let's go. Moonstone: How did Damian get all grown up overnight? Luna: I don't know. But I think I just became old enough for my first crush. Moonstone: Just so you don't crush the mushies. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the bartender say, "No, you can't keep him." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 244 Date: Tue, 05 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 244 Scene: The Officers Club, where a selection of warriors are enjoying a few imbibables, with the able assistance of a bartender named Samson, and three waitresses named Carla, Diana, and Rebecca. Greenbean: You know, I like the new decor in here. Giles: Yeah. It's less utilitarian and metallic and futuristic. Ares: Very homey, almost primitive. The dark wood gives it a cozey atmosphere. Barton: I don't know, the wood bar gives me splinters... Croft: You're not supposed to try to slide on it! Barton: Why not? The baharri does! Samson the Bartender: That's because I'm good. Diana: I'll say. Carla: Aren't you supposed to be serving the customers? Diana: With you here, it doesn't matter if the fleet's in, they all get served! Carla: Yeah. 'Cuz I'm good, too. Rebecca: I hate it here. Giles: You're not going to start throwing drinks on us again, are you? Rebecca: Are you a man? Barton: Look out, that's a trick question! [As they all carry on with their business, they hear a sudden rumble above them. Everybody looks up, then, with a sense of resignation, hastily duck under tables and the bar. After a moment, the reason becomes evident - a ceiling panel gives way, and is followed by a falling figure in blue. ] Diana: Sam, looks like we'll need to call the conduit repair tech again. People are starting to drop in. Carla: (From under the table.) Which wouldn't be so bad, if they didn't drop in on top of us! Samson: Yeah, I know... Who is it this time? Omega: (Coughing and climbing free of the dust and debris from his fall.) It's ... me, Omega... Samson: How did you get here? Omega: I tunneled my way down through the Commander's stack of books and videos, straight through the conduit, through the ceiling, and here into the O Club. Samson: Wow, I didn't realize we were right underneath the bridge. Omega: Well, I might have taken a left turn at the Albuquerque junction. Diana: Sam, dear, wasn't that Petticoat junction? Samson: Petticoats? So that's why the lepus always wants to take a left turn at Albuquerque... Carla: (Taking a good long look at the drop-in.) Oooh, can I keep him? Samson: No, you can't keep him! He's a bridge officer, he's got duties and responsibilities! Carla: He's got great biceps and nice sweet buns! Croft: Hey, those are my sweet buns! I especially ordered them from Captain Robert of the Bakeryship! He just dropped them off, they're still warm! Carla: I'll say! Omega: Hands off! I've gotta go! Samson: Where are you going? Carla: Doesn't matter, I'll follow you anywhere... Omega: Never mind where I'm going! I've gotta go! Somebody hold her back! Ares: Who'd risk it? [Omega head for the door and disappears, Carla in hot pursuit. Croft just hangs on to his buns.] Rebecca: Are you gonna answer me or not? Are you a man? Giles: Uh ... yeah... Rebecca: Porcine. (Flings the mug of baharri in Giles's face.) Barton: Told ya. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I'm bored now." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 245 Date: Tue, 05 Mar 2002 "This is journalator Aphrodite, here to interview the heroic and charming Lt. Starbuck as part of the Warrior of the Centar Show... Videolater Paparazzi: (Groaning.) Again? Starbuck: What's wrong with interviewing me? Aren't I worth interviewing? Don't the civilian ladies love it when you interview me? Are your ratings higher than for any other warrior interview? Especially when I take my shirt off? Incidentally, I'm due to take my shirt off again, it's been quite a few episodes, and besides, it's in my contract. Paparazzi: (Groaning louder.) Again? We gotta stop letting Aphrodite pick her own interview subjects - she always wants to interview Starbuck! Aphrodite: Well, if you don't like it, you can always watch this thirty-fifth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 245 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where- Paparazzi: No, no! Interview him, interview him! Aphrodite: Too late. You're stuck. Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, where... (Has Paparazzi stopped sobbing? Good.) Where Starbuck is strolling the deck, looking bored. Starbuck: I'm bored now. Apollo's off on the bridge with Commander Adama trying to save the universe from Iblis. Tigh and the other colonels are playing bridge with a full house and half a deck. Boomer's lost somewhere in time with Barbarella and the mysterious Doctor trying to save us all from this alternate timestream. Lords only know what's happened to Jolly over there on that ship full of children and the ominous Damian. Nobody's paying any attention to me. I think it's time I take a Viper and sneak off on an adventure. Attractive dark-haired tech: Hi, Starbuck, what are you doing hanging around the landing bay? Starbuck: Oh, nothing much. I'm certainly not planning on taking a Viper and sneaking off to have an adventure, if that's what you mean. Same tech: You're not? Oh, darn. Things have been so quiet around here, I've been hoping for somebody to do something adventurous and exciting. Starbuck: Well, actually, if you promise not to tell anybody, that's exactly what I'm planning on doing. Same tech: Ooh, goody! Is it something where you're likely to lose your shirt? Starbuck: I hope so. Same tech: Me, too! Good luck! Have fun! And try not to meet any blondes this time! Between Cassie and Tenna and Miri and Gabrielle, I'm starting to get a complex. Starbuck: Hey, I've tried the brunettes. They're too much trouble. You'll notice that since Aurora and Athena, I've switched. Same tech: Hmm, maybe I should dye my hair... Starbuck: Maybe you should. Maybe you should do that right now, while things are so quiet. Same tech: You're right! The timing's perfect! And it'll give you a chance to jump into the nearest Viper and sneak away for that adventure! I just finished tuning up that one, by the way. By the time you're back, I'll be a blonde! Or maybe a redhead! Which would you prefer? Starbuck: Consider the way I've been losing blondes, maybe I should switch to redheads. Same tech: Red it is! (Races out of the bay.) Starbuck: All right, she's gone. Now's my chance! (Jumps into the nearest Viper - not the one the tech suggested - and launches.) [Rigel and the dread captain Robert appear from behind a fortunately not-quite-so-near Viper.] Rigel: Whew! I thought he'd never leave! Robert: Come, sweet Rigel, let me take you away to the Bakeryship and bestow the sweetest of my sweets upon the sweetest of the sweet... Rigel: Oh, Dread Captain Robert, you say the sweetest things... [They disappear into the Bakeryship shuttle, and launch. Meanwhile, out in space:] Starbuck: Hmm, I wonder how come the bridge didn't ask who was launching without clearance and try to stop me? Did Rigel go on furlough without telling anyone to take over her duties? That doesn't bode well... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a member of Red Squadron say, "Nothing exciting ever happens around here." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 246 Date: Sat, 09 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 246 Scene: Back in the O Club, where several members of Red Squadron are clustered around a table, drinking their drinks and looking bored. Tom: I am so bored... [A panel on the wall pops open, and a group of Miri Feathers warriors jump out, spears in hand.] Missouria: Take position here, warriors! We'll get 'em as they come out! Avona: Think they'll risk the light? Missouria: I'm more concerned with them risking the alcohol! [The Miri Feathers quickly take protective stances behind tables, chairs, and columns; one of them hops across the Red Squadron table, nearly upending a baharii as she does so.] Harry: Hey, watch it! You nearly spilled my baharii! Thamesa: Sorry. Dick: *Sigh.* Nothing exciting ever happens around here... [Out of the open panel can be heard the sounds of low growling. Several sets of green glowing eyes appear in the darkness. Tom gets up and heads toward the bar - just as Thamesa throws her spear through the open panel. It narrowly misses him, and vanishes into the darkness. The eyes vanish for a moment, then reappear.] Thamesa: Hey, watch it! You nearly got in the way of my spear! Tom: Sorry. Harry: I mean, can we help it if we're not in Blue Squadron? Aren't we entitled to a little action? [A mysterious gurgling sound can be heard from somewhere above. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a ceiling panel drops to the floor, and a veritable flood of suds comes pouring into the O Club, sending waves lapping against the wall, upending furniture, and then streaming into the open panel in the wall. Red Squadron quickly grab their bahariis and hang on dear life; the Miri Feathers cling to their spears. From the open wall can be heard the sound of half-drowned pooches yipping as the spectral dire daggits flee the unwanted bath. The flood leaves behind a group of very wet and sudsy warriors - the women of Blue and Red Squadrons, last seen in mutiny on the laundry ship.] Brie: (Pushing hair out of her eyes.) Where are we? Dietra: (Standing up and shaking off the water.) We're in the O Club of the Galactica! We made it! Gemi: Hey, as long as we're here, let's have a few bahariis! Brie: Don't you think we're wet and sudsy enough? Gemi: To drink, this time. Dietra: I'm all for that... [The women cluster around the bar.] Samson: Here you go, ladies. Tom: I just wish something would happen around here once in a while that we could be part of. You know, that 'live the adventure' thing we were promised when we signed up to become warriors. [The door opens, and one of the regulars enters.] Crowd: Norm! Diana: Norman. Norm: Hey, Sam. Anything exciting happening today? Samson: Nah, nothing unusual. Same old, same old. Baharii? Norm: Actually, I'm in the mood for something different today. How 'bout a vino? [Silence falls over the Club; everyone stares in disbelief.] Dick: Norm ... wants a vino? Harry: Not ... a baharii? Tom: Lords of Kobol, it must be the apocalypse... Let's get out of here! [In two microns flat, the club is empty - Miri Feathers, dire daggits, wet women warriors, every Tom, Dick, and Harry, even Samson is gone. Norm glances around, then grins and goes around the bar.] Norm: Gee, I guess I have to help myself... to a couple of bahariis... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "We're not on the Galactica any more." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 247 Date: Sat, 09 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 247 Scene: On board the TARDIS, where Boomer and Barbarella are now the companions of the mysterious Doctor. The TARDIS console panel is making its usual peculiar selection of noises and the panel is rising and falling, indicating travel in progress. Boomer's still in uniform, Barbarella's still in Ganymede's original taking-over-the-universe Flash Gordon style gown and headdress, and the Doctor's in a cricket outfit. Sport, not bug. Although he might be luckier with the bug, considering what's going to happen... (Fortunately, they did get a chance to finish their caff - one good thing about being able to grab a few extra centons here and there.) Barbarella: (Studying everything in the control room, looking dubious.) So you're trying to tell me that this contraption of yours can go anywhere in time and space? Doctor: That's why it's called a TARDIS. Barbarella: That's not logical. Boomer: Is it logical for this machine of his to be so much bigger on the inside than it is on the outside? Barbarella: (Pondering.) Well, no. Boomer: Is it logical for the Doctor to be a blonde when, the last time I saw him, he had a mass of curly dark brown hair? Barbarella: What's unusual about that? It's called a dye and perm. Boomer: But can they become young blonds of 25 yahrens or so when they were 125 yahrens old with gray hair when I first met them? Barbarella: They can, but only their hairdresser and plastic surgeon know for sure. Doctor: (Shaking his head.) Your people approach this aging thing far too scientifically, Barbarella. You ought to try regenerating. Totally unscientific, always interesting, usually unpredictable, and generally lots of fun. It works for us Gallifreyans. Barbarella: What are you a doctor of, anyway, Doctor? Doctor: Oh, this, that, whatever strikes my fancy. [The control panel settles down with a wheeze, and falls silent.] Doctor: Ah-hah! We're here! Let's go! [The doors open, and the intrepid trio steps out of the TARDIS... into the middle of a very wet, dripping, rain foresty place.] Barbarella: Uh, where are we and what happened to the ship? Boomer: We're not on the Galactica any more. Barbarella: But we were only in the TARDIS for a few centons - there wasn't time to leave the ship. Doctor: (Grinning.) Not only did you leave your ship, but we're now over ten thousand light-years and two thousand years away from it. Barbarella: What's a light year? Doctor: Oh, that's right, you use yahrens, not years. Barbarella: Ten thousand light-yahrens away from the Galactica? In a few centons? That's impossible. It's as unbelievable as... as a backpack-sized mass spectrometer being operational in the middle of a rain forest without any available power source! Boomer: It may be impossible and it may be unbelievable, and it's certainly not a backpack-sized mass spectrometer - but it's the truth. And if you look around, you'll see we are in the middle of a rain forest. Barbarella: And two thousand yahrens? Doctor: Well, I was shooting for thirty. Barbarella: Hmmm. Doctor, are you sure you can control where this TARDIS of yours goes? Doctor: Well, sometimes the old girl has a mind of her own. Boomer: Sort of like Barbarella? Doctor: Exactly. Barbarella: So we aren't exactly where you intended to be? Doctor: Not exactly. [Boomer and Barbarella exchange glances.] Boomer: How far off are we... and where are we... exactly? Doctor: Uh... Barbarella: I was afraid of that... So what do we do now? Doctor: Considering what just came out of the rain forest and is heading for us, I'd suggest... run! Boomer and Barbarella: Aaaaaah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Barbarella ask, "What's that?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 248 Date: Sat, 09 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 248 Scene: A rain forest, where Barbarella and the Doctor are huddled together under a bunch of large generic leaves which protects them from the view of a group of metallic beings moving through the forest. Barbarella has a number of leaves stuck in her headdress. Three things: Exterminate! Exterminate! Barbarella: (Whispering.) What are those? Doctor: (Also whispering.) Those are Daleks! Barbarella: What's a Dalek? Doctor: That is. Barbarella: But what's that? Doctor: A Dalek. Barbarella: I think I can see where this conversation is going... [Boomer appears out of nearby underbrush.] Boomer: I left a false trail, they should go right by us. Doctor: Excellent Boomer - you're as inventive as always. Barbarella: So what do Daleks do? Doctor: Go around trying to exterminate all sentient life as we know it. Barbarella: That's not nice! Doctor: Daleks are not known for being nice. Barbarella: (Studying the creatures.) Of course, there's one saving grace... Doctor: A saving grace? To Daleks? Barbarella: No legs. A tall enough flight of stairs, and we can save the world. Doctor: Smart woman. They also don't handle ledges very well. But you'll notice we don't have any stairs or ledges here. Boomer: (Grinning.) But we've got mud. Lots of mud. Very thick mud. And a lot of it is hidden under these water puddles everywhere. [Even as he speaks, as if prophetic, the lead Dalek begins to sink...] Dalek #1: I am in a mud puddle. I am sinking into the mud. Dalek #2: I cannot help you. I am also sinking into the mud. Dalek #1: We must exterminate the mud. Dalek #2: Mud is not alive. We cannot exterminate mud. Dalek #3: Why are we following a trail into the mud? Dalek #1: Because that is where the trail goes. Dalek #3: Then we must follow it. Dalek #2: We will all sink into the mud. Dalek #3: But if the humans have come this way, they must also be in the mud. Dalek #1: Then we will exterminate them in the mud. Dalek #2: It could be interesting. I understand humans have a sport called mud-wrestling. It looks like fun. I have always wanted to try it. Dalek #3: We do not try human sports. Dalek #1: I am going under - burble, burble... Dalek #3: I think I will take my next vacation on Arrakis. Dalek #2: Been there, done that. Got sand in my gears and froze up for a month burble, burble... Dalek #3: Burble, burble... [The trio come out from under the generic wide leaf, dripping wet underbrush. All are thoroughly soaked, but not sudsed.] Doctor: That's very clever, Boomer! Boomer: Starbuck's not the only one who can come up with great ideas. And if they ever stopped treating me like a jack-of-all-flunkies, they'd know that. Barbarella: What's a month? Doctor: (Shrugging.) Just a time unit. All very relative. Boomer: Since I'm guessing this isn't where I need to be- Doctor: It isn't. Boomer: Then let's get back to the TARDIS and leave this mudhole. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Barbarella say, "But Doctor, the TARDIS is in the other direction." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 249 Date: Sat, 09 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 249 Scene: The beautiful New England countryside. A blue British police box materializes in the middle of... nowhere. Barbarella: Where are we? Doctor: Somewhere in New England. Barbarella: Where's New England? Doctor: Here. Barbarella: But- Boomer: Let's not go there again. Doctor: But you haven't been here before, how can you go here again? Barbarella: How about Old England? Doctor: You haven't been then either. Barbarella: Then? Not there? Why not? Doctor: Well, if we can convince the TARDIS to go then- Boomer: How about if we just figure out what we're doing here and now? Barbarella: What's the difference between Old England and New England? Doctor: Depends on the year. Barbarella: What's a year? Doctor: On Earth, 365 days, and a bit. Boomer: We're on Earth? I thought you said we were on New England! Doctor: New England is on Earth. And here we are, now. Barbarella: My head is spinning. Doctor: (Helpfully.) I'm sure if you got rid of that hat it would help your head. Boomer: At least you wouldn't bump into things every time you turn around. Doctor: I know I felt better after I got rid of that awful old hat I used to wear. Barbarella: Hmm, good idea. I think I will. (She removes the hat and ruffles her hair.) Doctor: See? Boomer: I liked your old hat. Doctor: I've still got it somewhere in the TARDIS, you can have it if you like. Barbarella: Doctor, you're right! I feel much lighter. In fact, I think I'm thinking better already! Doctor: And what are you thinking? Barbarella: I'm thinking we'd better get out of here before those junior Cylons reach us. Boomer: Junior Cylons! Doctor: Those aren't junior Cylons, those are Cybermen! Boomer: What's the difference? Doctor: Practically? None. They both wear suits of metal, they both hate humans, neither of them have good aim, and they'd both try to kill us. Run for it! This way! Barbarella: But Doctor, the TARDIS is in the other direction! We can just leave! Doctor: Well, what kind of adventure could we have if we ran in that direction and just left? Boomer: I'm not here for an adventure, I'm here to fix time! Doctor: Trust me, there's always time. Cyberman #1: We have been observed by humans. Cyberman #2: We must destroy them before they can report our presence. Boomer: Frak... [Our heroes take off as fast their little tootsies will carry them.] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Hallelujah!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 250 Date: Sat, 09 Mar 2002 (250 episodes... Wow. I must be crazy...) "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 250 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where one Commander Adama is about to explain to his three sons, his one daughter, and his three colonels about they're going to save life, the universe, and everything from Iblis. Adama: Now, my sons- Athena: Ahem! Adama: Now, my children- Cordelia: (Rushing onto the bridge.) *Shriek!* Adama: Oh, no! Not her! (Taking one step back and falling off the command dais.) Athena: I'm getting out of here - oops! (Trips over stack of books and videos, vanishing down the hole Omega dug back in Episode 244 and vanishing from sight.) Zac: Thank Kobol I'm not operating now! (Crouching behind Athena's console, just as the stack of books she tripped over tumbles over and falls on top of him.) Zeb: I can hear my guitar strings popping already, but I'm not moving, I'm not moving! I'm not going to fall off or trip over anything... (A ceiling panel drops on top of him.) Voice of Miri Feather warrior echoing from conduit: Oops, sorry, Commander. Majer: (Sighing.) I'll get maintenance... Cordelia: (Pausing and posing dramatically.) Apollo! Oh my dear, beloved Apollo, whom I worship more than life itself and would do anything for! Apollo: Cordelia! Oh sweetest of the sweet... (Falls over his own two feet as he steps toward her.) Tigh: Isn't that Dread Captain Robert's line? Apollo: (Staring up at her from the deck.) I love you too and would do anything for you, but this isn't a good time. Cordelia: But we have to talk, Apollo! It's important! It's about our sealing! Apollo: What about our sealing? Adama: (Climbing back to the dais.) Can't you talk about that later? Cordelia: No, we have to talk about it now! Athena: (From the hole, where, if one looks closely, she is clinging to the edge by her fingertips.) Has this got to do with my bridesmaid gown from Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe? Cordelia: Must be more important than that! Zeb: (Finally shoving aside the ceiling panel enough to sit up again.) If it's about the music, you have to stay away from me so I can live long enough to finish my music video. Cordelia: It'll include the music, but not at the moment... Apollo: Do you want to move up the date? We could get married tomorrow, if you like. Cordelia: Ummm, let me check my palm pilot... Apollo: I thought I was your palm pilot. Adama: (Grumbling.) No, you're just the pilot in the palm of her hand, wrapped around her little finger. Cordelia: No, tomorrow won't work. Tigh: Could you please just tell them what you need to talk about so we can get on with Adama briefing his children on why they need to help him save the fleet? Pascal: Good question! Why should we save the fleet?! Adama: We're saving the fleet and that's final! Apollo: So what is it, Cordelia, with eyes of sky blue, hair of golden sunshine, rosy fingers of dawn, and the figure of a Greek goddess? Not that I know what a Greek goddess is, of course, but it must be wonderful if it has a figure like you... Audience: Ewh! Cordelia: I'm sorry, dearest of dear hearts, eyes of warm jade, hair of midnight on a moonless night, my reason for living and breathing, but I can't marry you after all! (Sniffing delicately, she turns and rushes off the bridge.) Apollo: Cordelia! No, wait! You can't do this! You can't leave me like this! [Apollo prepares to rush after Cordelia, but trips over the ceiling panel that Zeb is still half sitting under and nearly squashes him, rolls into Zac and sends him flying, then stumbles into the hole in the deck, and disappears from sight. The last sounds heard are the shrieks and thuds as Athena and Apollo go tumbling off into the conduit.] Adama: Hallelujah! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "I'll kill him." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 251 Date: Sat, 09 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 251 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where Adama is performing an impromptu jig. Adama: Woo-hoo! Cordelia's not going to marry my son! I don't have to send him off on any more long-range missions! I don't have to be the bad guy and forbid him to get married! I don't have to spend sleepless nights worrying what's going to go wrong next! I won't get a call from life center every twenty centons - and that's not counting what might happen the wedding night! Tigh: Sir, that's undignified. Adama: Uh ... you're right. We must be dignified. (Holds up a hand for a high five, which Tigh obligingly give him.) Pascal: What was that!? Majer: I'm not sure... Tigh: It's a high five. It's another reason Adama will never trade me in as executive officer. I'm the only one who understands his secret hand signals. [From the hole in the deck come the sounds of scrabbling and scuffling. Everyone freezes and gasps.] Majer: Oh, no, is it the spectral dire daggits? Pascal: Maybe it's the Miri Feathers with their pointy things! Tigh: It must be Cylons trying to sneak up on us! Adama: (Peering into the hole.) No, it's just my children trying to get back to the bridge. Here, Apollo, take my hand... Apollo: (Hollowly, from the hole.) Thank you, Father. (Clambers out.) Athena: (Hollowly, from the hole.) Hey, what about me? [Bridge crewman Tiki rushes to assist, gazing adoringly at Athena as she climbs out.] Tiki: I'll help you, Athena... Apollo: (Glancing around wildly.) Cordelia! Adama: (Catching his arm.) I'm sorry, son, but she's gone. It's one of those things we have to accept in life. Remember the good times and let go of the bad. Look at it as a learning experience and move on. There's more than one fish in the sea. Apollo: There's more than one book in the library too, but that doesn't mean I want to read them all! Adama: Apollo! Don't talk to your father that way! Pascal: Right! Captain Apollo, don't talk to your father that way! Adama: Stop sucking up. You're not going to be my executive officer. Pascal: Darn! Adama: Apollo, where are you going? Apollo: I'm going to kill him. Adama: What? What are you talking about? Apollo: Cordelia. Pascal: Hey, she's not a him! Adama: You're going to kill Cordelia? Well, if you must... Apollo: No, not Cordelia! (Heading for the door.) I've figured it out. I left her on the Rising Star, at Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe... Majer: You're going to kill Amanda? That could be interesting... Apollo: No! She was with that waiter of Sire Uri's... Tigh: At least we're getting the gender right... Adama: You can't kill Sire Uri! I mean, much as we'd all like to, he is an important person in this fleet, and the owner of the Ultra Salon. Without him- Apollo: No, not Sire Uri... Mauser, that was his name. Adama: Oh. So you're going to kill the waiter? Pascal: That should be all right, nobody will miss the waiter! Majer: Until somebody has to wait for something! Apollo: No, I'm not going to kill the waiter! I'm going to kill Starbuck. Everybody: Starbuck! Why? Apollo: It's obvious! I left Cordelia on the Rising Star. Mauser must have taken her out to the Salon - and Starbuck must have been there gambling. They must have met - somebody probably introduced them. Then he probably started flirting with her, and the next thing she knew, she was in love with him, just like Athena used to be, and Cassiopeia, and Noday, and Miriam, and Sheba, and Belloby, and every other woman in the script... So I'm going to kill him. I have no choice. (Leaves the bridge, leaving everyone else still trying to follow the logic before they can follow Apollo.) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear journalator Koppel say, "This is journalator Koppel, with breaking news from the Galactica..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 252 Date: Sat, 09 Mar 2002 "This is journalator Koppel, with breaking news from the Galactica. This stupendous, shocking, totally unexpected news has left this journalator stunned, unable to so much as articulate a single thought. This news will leave the fleet reeling, shaken to its very roots, incapable of comprehending the depths of what this news might mean. This news could have incalculably traumatizing effects on our very existence. Details at eleven. But first, the thirty-sixth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 252 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, where everyone is still shocked at Apollo's decision to kill Starbuck - especially since Starbuck left seven episodes ago, although they don't know that yet. See what happens when a few vital cogs in the performance of the ship's daily functions leave? No Omega, no Rigel, and nobody knows what's going on- Audience: Cut the minor character bias and get on with the episode! Narrator: (Sulking.) Oh all right... Tigh: Sir, we've got to stop Apollo from killing Starbuck! Majer: He must have gone insane from being dumped! I know that would make me insane. Pascal: Doctor Zac! You must do something! You're the doctor! Zac: Hey, I'm a doctor, not a therapist! I can sedate him but I cannot make him sane. Athena: All because he thinks Cordelia fell in love with Starbuck? My brother's an idiot. Nameless Female Crewman: I'd'a been in love with Starbuck, if it woulda meant I got a line. Athena: Believe me, you'd have gotten a line, but it wouldn't have been in the script. And you'd probably have wound up on the cutting room floor. Or on some other floor. Nameless Female Crewman: At least I'd'a had a name. For that, I'd even have put up with a Viper launch tube in Alpha bay! Athena: Sorry, hon, already taken. Adama: Stow it, Athena, female crewman, this is no time for your feminine whining. We've got to worry about Apollo. Athena: (Glaring.) Who's whining? Am I whining? Did I whine to anybody here? Majer: Not me. Tigh: Uh-uh. Zac: Medically, I would definitely not call that whining. Although the other gal could technically have been whining... Zeb: Uh, while you're all deciding if there's been whining, and since Apollo's gone anyway, can I leave now too? I've got a music holovid to finish, and we're paying for those leonines by the centar from the Featherstar. Adama: No! You have to stay here so we can face the greatest danger to the fleet since the Destruction of the Colonies. Tigh: Worse than the attack at Carillon? Pascal: Worse than what happened at Arcta?! Majer: Worse than the Terran Alliance episodes? Tiki: Worse than the laundry strike? Adama: Yes, worse than all of them rolled into one! Everybody: (Making various shocked, offended, and nauseated faces.) Ewh. Adama: And we must get Apollo back here immediately, before it's too late. Athena: If it's that urgent, why did you let him go in the first place? Adama: Never mind that now, Athena. Tigh, call Reese, tell him to get Apollo back here, to drag him if he has to! Tigh: He'll do that cheerfully, I'm sure... [The lights suddenly flicker and turn red, and eerie, demonic music swells, replacing the usual heroic soundtrack.] Tigh: Oh-oh... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Iblis say, "Ah-hah! I have you now!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 253 Date: Sat, 09 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 253 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, with eerie red lights and dramatic music. Tiki: Are we under attack? Is it a red alert because of the Cylons? Adama: It's not the Cylons - it's an enemy far, far worse, far less predictable, far more evil and vile, with far more reaching powers, who's far more intent on our utter and absolute and totaldestruction. Tiki: I don't suppose it's an enemy that's far, far away? Adama: No. Tiki: Darn. [The door to the corridor swishes open. A swirl of low fog creeps in, extending its tendrils about the feet and legs of every crewman there. Lightning flashes in the corridor, following by echoing rolls of thunder. As the crew gradually begins to see and hear again, a figure steps into view in the door, and is revealed as... Damian, looking just as handsome as he did when he left the Jolly and Cassie ship, wearing a rippling black cloak that sorta seems like it might be alive - or else, like there's a very strange and localized wind blowing through the corridors of the Galactica; and with him, Jolly and Cassie, looking appropriately mesmerized, glowing somewhat green, looking like something out of Black Lagoon and Bride of Frankenstein movies -and wearing bustiers, garter belts, fishnet stockings, the works. Yes, folks, the Rocky Horror Picture Show had nothing on these guys...] Damian: I am Damian! I am the son of Iblis! I am the dread, dire omen of the utter end of all things! Pascal: I thought the Cylons were the end of all things! Majer: I thought we left Sire Dredd back in the Colonies. Damian: Be silent, mortals! (A flash of lightning from his fingers, and both Colonels become Kentucky Fried.) [Damian enters the bridge, followed by Jolly, Cassie, a dozen spectral dire daggits, and half a dozen pilots and techs, picked up on the way from bay, all appropriately attired for the occasion. (Heh-heh, use your imagination.) All are high-stepping it.] Tiki: (Faintly.) Jolly does not have the legs for fishnet hose... Nameless Female Crewman: But Giles looks kinda cool in that bustier... Tigh: What are they doing? High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: The Quorum was daft, The day our worlds got the shaft, And that's how we got blown away... Athena: It looks like... dancing... High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: But Adama was there, And Apollo, so square, To hurry back and save the day... Zeb: And it sounds like singing - I guess... [As Adama and crew stare in amazement, shock, and varying degrees of disgust or interest, a column of mist, smoke, or something white and cloudy appears, forming... Awh, you guessed it, Iblis.] Iblis: (Grandly.) I have arrived! Zac: I'm not wearing a garter belt! Run for it! We've got to get out of here! Zeb: But the door is blocked by spectral dire daggits and mesmerized warriors in fishnets and bustiers! Bad karma, very bad karma... Iblis: Mortal fools, there's no escape for you now! Zac: There's still the hole in the deck! Zeb: We're outta here... [The twins dive for the hole, knock noggins, and tumble down into the darkness.] High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: Then something went wrong, When we got to Carillon, And from there we flew on into the Void... Adama: Come back here! I need you beside me to defeat Iblis! Athena: (Staring into the hole.) Forget it, Father! They knocked themselves out with that dive, and they're unconscious. Tigh: Dang. Not even a French judge would give them points for that... High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: Then Serina got killed, And later Arcta got chilled, And Terra made the fans get annoyed... Iblis: Ah-hah! I have you now! You stand alone, Adama! Your sons have all fled, abandoning you and the fleet to your fate! And with my son at my side, you can't resist me, none of you can! Damian! Now! [Damian locks stares with Athena - who stares back. After a breathless couple of microns of locked stares, the two step closer together - and then lock lips.] Iblis: I may have lost Sheba, but my son won't lose Athena! Bwahaha... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Athena! You traitor!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 254 Date: Sat, 09 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 254 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Damian and Athena are in a liplock to end all liplocks, and it shows no signs of quitting. And the Rocky Horrors are still at it... Iblis: You see, Adama, your sons have abandoned you, your warriors sing my song, and your daughter is in the thrall of my son. I've finally won! Adama: Athena! You traitor! High-stepping Rocky Horror Clones: Science fiction ... BG feature, Dr. Wilker ... built a creature, See androids serving ... Mike and Sarah, Fred Astaire stars as ... Starbuck's papa, Wo oh oh oh oh oh... Tigh: (Staring between Iblis and the dancing, singing entranced warriors.) It's enough to make a person wonder what's under that cloak of his... A very l-o-o-n-n-n-g-g-g-g moment later, the liplockers break for air. Damian: (With a heavy sigh.) Father, I can't be part of your plot to take over the universe. Adama: Athena! You angel! Iblis: (Sputtering.) What???? Damian: I'm in love with a mortal. I love Athena. Adama: But ... but... Iblis: But ... but... Damian: Father! Commander! Please, she's got other fine attributes than merely physical! Iblis: When did you have time to notice? Adama: But what about Bojay? Athena: Bo-who? Tigh: You don't need to cry about it, he's not that bad. Iblis: Oh yes, he is! He's my son, he's bad to the bone! Adama: Bojay's your son too? Iblis: No, not Bojay, just Damian. And right now I'm not very happy with him! Damian: But father, don't you want me to be happy? Athena: (With stars in her eyes - well, gleams anyway, not real stars; all things considered, we wouldn't want anybody to get the wrong idea.) Father, I've finally met somebody who really loves me for who I am! Adama: Based on one kiss?!?! Iblis: But how can I take over the universe without my son beside me? Adama: I know I wouldn't try to take over the universe without my sons. I wouldn't even want to be commander without them. Hey, does this mean I've won? Iblis: (Glaring.) For now, Adama, for now! But I'll still destroy you! Damian: You wouldn't do that to the father of my beloved bride, would you, Father? Adama: I know it's not unusual for in-laws to hate each other, but this is ridiculous! Iblis: (Ominously.) This isn't over yet... (In a swirl of cape and fog, he vanishes.) Damian: Let's go, hon. (In another swirl, Damian and Athena vanish, clinging to each other.) [The dire daggits glance around, growling, then jump into the hole in the deck and vanish into the conduits. Jolly, Cassie, and the other fishnet-clad warriors stop dancing and start blinking, gazing around in confusion.] Cassie: Where ... where am I? Jolly: What ... happened? Oh, no, how did I get here dressed like this...? [Adama wordlessly hands him his cloak.] Jolly: Thank you, sir... Other crewmen: Thank you, sir... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Reese say, "I may be late, but at least I got to punch out Apollo." ~~~ Whew... And now I think I need another cookie... :-) Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 255 Date: Fri, 15 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 255 Scene: The somewhat depopulated bridge of the Galactica. Journalator Koppel rushes onto the bridge, videolator trailing behind, camera at the ready. Kent: Did I miss it? Did I miss it? Adama: If you mean, did you miss the defeat of Count Iblis through the power of love, you missed it. I wish I'd missed it... Kent: You mean... Tigh: Leave the Commander alone, Kent. His daughter Athena just vanished with Iblis' son Damian. Kent: Really? Wow, a scoop! So, Commander Adama, how do you feel about your daughter eloping with the son of the Prince of Darkness? Adama: It could be worse. At least it's not Cordelia's brother. Nameless Female Crewman: *Sigh.* First she gets Starbuck, then she gets to be a princess... Tiki: *Sob.* I loved her and she never knew... Tigh: I think she knew, she just didn't care. Kent: So tell me, Officer Tiki, what are you thinking and feeling at this moment, having seen what you've seen and knowing what you know? [Tiki sniffles once, glares at Kent, then hauls off and lays him flat with a right hook.] Tigh: Officer Tiki, don't hit the journalator. Tiki: I already did. Tigh: Well, don't do it again. At least not where I can see you. I suppose we'll need to call a med tech to take care of him and the two sons in the hole in the deck... (Staring at the charred ashes of the Kentucky Fried fellow colonels.) And somebody call a maintenance tech to take care of them too... Nameless Female Crewman: Will I get a name if I do that? Tigh: Sure. Nameless Female Crewman: All right! (Turns eagerly to console.) Med tech to the bridge! Maintenance techs to the bridge! ASAP! Emergency! Haul butt, techs! (Turns back to Tigh, still eager.) I did it, sir, I called them! So what's my name? Huh? Huh? What's my name? Tigh: (Studies her.) Hmmm. How about Elm? Elm: Elm? Ewh! I don't like that name! Tiki: Don't worry, Elm. You can come back next episode with a different name and designation. Elm: (Cheering up.) That's true... [The door swishes open, to reveal security officer Reese, dragging a decidedly unconscious Apollo behind him.] Reese: (Looking very pleased with himself.) Here we are! I got him here, sir! I got Apollo to the bridge, using any means necessary, just like you ordered. Adama: You're too late, Reese. Iblis has already been here and gone, and so has his son Damian - and my daughter Athena. Reese: (Still looking pretty satisfied.) Oh. Well, I may be late, but at least I got to punch out Apollo. Tigh: He wouldn't come back with you when you told him Commander Adama wanted him on the bridge at once? Reese: (Shuffling a little.) Well, I didn't exactly tell him that... Tigh: You told him his father needed him? Reese: (Shuffling some more.) Not exactly... Tigh: You reminded him that the safety of the fleet might rest in his hands? Reese: (Glancing at the door.) Uh, no... Tigh: What did you tell him? Reese: Umm... I didn't want to give him a chance to get away, so I hit him first. Tigh: Hmm, probably a smart move. Adama: You hit my son without giving him a chance to obey me? (Hauls off and hits Reese, who goes down without another sound, to the cheers of the remaining bridge crew, who never really liked him anyway...) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boxey say, "I miss the crawl-ons." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 256 Date: Fri, 15 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 256 Scene: The Jolly and Cassie ship, where Jolly and Cassie have just returned from the Galactica, landing their shuttle in the landing bay. Jolly: (Still wearing the commander's cloak around his shoulders, concealing all but the fishnet stockings.) We're home. I will be so glad to change into my uniform... Cassie: (Looking spectacular in bustier, stockings, garter belt, and not much else.) I kinda like my outfit. Jolly: It does kinda remind me of the stuff you used to wear as a socialator... Cassie: Think I should keep it, sweetie? Jolly: (Giving her a lecherous grin and twirling his mustache.) Only if you want to... and only if you wear it just for me... Cassie: (With a coy grin.) And who else would I wear it for? [From the nearest corridor bursts forth a crowd, a mob, a veritable horde of children, barely shepherded by a very frazzled looking Chameleon. The children swarm around Jolly and Cassie.] Children: Papa Jo! Mama Cass! Chameleon: Jolly! Cassie! Thank the Lords you're back... I mean, welcome back! The children are so glad to see you again... Dennis: What did you bring us? Luna: Did you bring us some new turbotoys? Calvin: Did you bring us mushies? Children: Mushies, mushies, where are the mushies? Jolly: On the shuttle - now remember to share! [The children swarm aboard the shuttle like a maddened horde of starving locusts. A micron later, they hear one short scream from the pilot.] Jolly: Oh-oh, I bet that's the last time we convince Aurora to fly us along when she's delivering parts... Cassie: (Looking around.) Hmm, things have changed a little since we were last here. Chameleon: Yes, and very suddenly too. The walls stopped running red and green, the deck stopped heaving - and so did I. We stopped hearing strange sounds in the depths, and the furniture stopped talking. Cassie: That's a relief. I hated it when the mirror would whistle at me in the morning. Jolly: So things are pretty much back to normal? Chameleon: (Glancing down at the fishnet stockings.) Well, on the ship, anyway. Jolly: (Muttering.) I'm going to go change... (Heads out of the bay.) Cassie: I'll join you in a centon. So, did the children behave for their Grampa Cham while we were gone? Chameleon: Well... actually... um... not really, but well enough. Since the rest of the ship started behaving, things have been looking up all the way around. Did you figure out what was causing it, anyway? Cassie: Yes. The ship was possessed by Damian, the demonseed spawn of Iblis, who was working with the Prince of Darkness to take over the ship as part of a greater plan to take over the fleet, the galaxy, and the universe. And we were possessed too, which is why I looked like the Bride of Frankenstein and Jolly was turning into Aquaman. But now that's Damian's decided to elope with Athena, he's no longer working with Iblis, and things can get back to normal here. [A cluster of children emerge from the shuttle, cheerfully snacking on the mushies that Jolly and Cassie brought back for them.] Cassie: Hello, children! Well, are you all happy to have things back to normal here? Boxey: I sorta miss the crawl-ons. Especially the big green ones with the yellow spots and the red eyes. They reminded me of moving solstice bushes. And they made great pets. Dennis: Especially when they let us throw tinsel on them! Calvin: That wasn't tinsel, that was leftover pieces of string and wire and parts from the daggit innards! Luna: Ewh! Boxey: Shh! We don't talk about the daggits... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say "Why couldn't you leave your daggits at home?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 257 Date: Fri, 15 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 257 Scene: In the main control room aboard the TARDIS, where Boomer, Barbarella, and a dozen daggit droids are hanging around. The Doctor has most of his body tucked inside a console, just his feet sticking out, with parts scattered around him. Barbarella: Fetch, Buffey - short for Buffit, of course! (She tosses a component, and one of the daggit droids takes off after it, yipping annoyingly, and brings it back to her.) Good daggit... Boomer: Are you sure you should be playing fetch with TARDIS components? What if the Doctor needs that piece, and your daggit's covered it with daggit droid oil-spit, and the ship short-circuits, leaving us stranded somewhere in time and space with no way to get back to the Galactica? Barbarella: Won't happen. The Doctor said he was replacing these parts. Boomer: But that looks like a new part. Barbarella: Oops. (She quickly wipes off the daggit oil and replaces the part, taking one of the old ones.) Fetch, Fluffit. Boomer: Why couldn't you leave your daggits at home, anyway? Barbarella: But nobody knew about them. Who would have taken care of them? Boomer: They're droids! They don't need to be taken care of! They're like Muffey was, they can wander around for days and not need to be fed or watered or walked! Barbarella: But somebody might have found them, and they would have been destroyed. You know Adama's new standing order about daggits! I just couldn't stand that happening to my sweet little droid daggit pups. Could we, Snuffit? And Luffit? And Duffit? And- Boomer: We don't need the full list. Anyway, they're nothing but trouble. We've had them lost in the TARDIS twice already, and they refused to come with us when we met the Daleks. Barbarella: But they saved us from the Cybermen when we were cornered - short-circuited them completely by chewing through their kneecaps! Boomer: The only reason they went after the Cybermen was because the Cybermen refused to pet them! Barbarella: (Pointedly.) They figure out pretty quickly who likes them and who doesn't! Doctor: (Sliding out from the TARDIS console.) There, that should do it! Boomer: But you've got parts left over. Doctor: (Shrugging.) Oh, that's all right. The old girl often has parts left over. Every time I fix her. Strangest thing. [Boomer and Barbarella exchange glances.] Boomer: Then why did you put the parts in, in the first place, if they're left over? Doctor: Well, this one was in for repairs when I got it... And besides, you've never heard of redundancy factors? Boomer: What if one day you need that redundancy factor and it's not there because some daggit somewhere is playing fetch with it? Doctor: It's happened before. Barbarella: Fetch, Stuffit! [Tosses the part, which goes through the open door into another part of the TARDIS. The daggit goes after it, yipping mechanically all the way. A micron later, the sound pitch changes, there's a scrabbling of daggit feet, and the sound of something falling a long, long way...] Barbarella: Stuffit! (She rushes after the daggit.) Doctor: Oops. Boomer: Oops? Doctor: The stairs. Seems the TARDIS every now and then decides to rearrange herself. Sometimes she puts a staircase right through that door... (Shrugs apologetically, but with a sly smile.) And I don't think she likes daggits... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "At least we're in the right part of the galaxy." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 258 Date: Fri, 15 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 258 Scene: A chilly, wind-swept, snowy plateau, surrounded by a sweeping vista of majestic mountains and deep caverns that fall away into unseen nothingness below. A blue box mysteriously appears, dwarfed by the surrounding landscape. The door opens, and... Barbarella: (Stepping out, followed by Boomer.) ...At least I was able to repair my little daggit. Lords of Kobol, what is this?!? [Boomer and Barbella stare around them at the vast whiteness.] Boomer: At least we're in the right part of the galaxy. Barbarella: How can you tell? Boomer: See that mountain peak over there, with the sheer cliff face except for that gash that looks like Commander Cain's eyebrows when he's frowning? And the rocks over there that look like three little Cylons marching under a bridge that's starting to fall on top of them? And those other rocks that look like Captain Columbo's trenchcoat and a couple of fumarellos? Barbarella: I see them. Boomer: There's only one place I know of with formations like that - Arcta. Barbarella: Where the fleet was nearly blown up by the Ravashol pulsar? And where you and Apollo and Starbuck and a group of convicts and a couple of other warriors had to infiltrate the installation, take out the Cylons, save the Theta clones, and rescue a missing cadet? Boomer: That's the one. Say, how do you know so much about that mission? The details were classified! Barbarella: (Shrugging - or is it shivering? It's pretty cold out, after all...) I read the tech specs on the pulsar. Boomer: How did you get access to those? Barbarella: From Omega, of course. How does a person get access to anything on the Galactica? Boomer: Omega, huh... Barbarella: You know something? It's cold here! Boomer: Yeah, Arcta was cold when we were there. I'm not surprised it hasn't changed. Doctor: (Steps out and hands them each some nice warm fuzzy jackets.) Here. [The humans quickly don the jackets. At the door, a couple of daggit droids appear, take a tentative step or two out into the snow, then retreat, yipping, to the warmth and safety of the TARDIS.] Doctor: Looks like they're not going with us again. Barbarella: And Boomer says my daggits aren't intelligent... Boomer: Hold it, where do you think you're going? Doctor: Out to see what we can see! Boomer: Oh, we can pretty much see what there is to see on Arcta from here - snow, ice, and other cold white stuff. Barbarella: How about Dr. Ravashol? I'd love an opportunity to talk with him about some of his theories - his one about the feasibility of self-contained, backpack-sized mass spectrometers with internal power sources in particular. Boomer: But Ravashol's not here anymore. He and his Thetas decided they'd had enough ice, and headed for a warmer location - and I suggest we do the same. Doctor: Well, there's no harm in taking a look around then, is there? Barbarella: I suppose... Boomer: Hold it! I know you, Doctor - and you should know him by now too, Barbarella. We leave the TARDIS, and the next thing you know, we get caught up in some adventure or other, whether we want to or not. Now, normally, I am not opposed to an adventure, but we're supposed to be fixing time, not messing with it further! Doctor: We're not messing with anything! And you didn't seem to mind having adventures the last two times you traveled with me. Barbarella: Two times? Boomer: Things didn't quite have the same urgency then as they do now. Doctor: How do you know? Boomer: Just a gut feeling. We've got to fix things before time becomes irrevocably mired in its wrong path. And I've got a bad feeling about any more delays... Doctor: Oh, posh... Voice from behind them: Oh, really? [They whirl as one.] Doctor: *Gasp!* It's the Master! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sire Uri say, "There's a riot on the Rising Star!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 259 Date: Fri, 15 Mar 2002 "This is journ'lator Kent, spittin' out a lost toof to brin' you t'is tirth-sevent' secton an'vers'ry episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 259 Scene: The Rising Star. A mingling crowd at the Ultra Salon, from which can be heard muttering, growling, and various other threatening sounds. At the edge of the crowd are two people we recognize as escapees from the prison barge... Zara: That crowd doesn't sound happy. I wonder what's going on. Paye: We're just here for caff, what do we care? Zara: Maybe the barrista is in the crowd. We should ask- [Maitre d' Horatio, journalator Koppel, and videolator Paparazzi enter the Salon, looking around as if searching for somebody in the midst of the crowd. Horatio gestures their general direction.] Paye: Oh, no, a journalator! If he recognizes us, we'll be caught! We'll have to go back to the prison barge! Zara: And since I was a Colonies-renowned journalator who worked with every great and well-known public figure in the Colonies, I'm bound to be recognized! Uri: (Brushing past as he hurries toward Horatio and the IFB people.) Out of my way, bimbo. Can't you tell when someone important is passing through on his way to an interview? Zara: (Sniffling, tears welling up in her eyes.) He... didn't recognize me... Paye: Zara, that's a good thing! Zara: No, it's not! It's just like back when Serina was around. Everybody knew and loved her, nobody paid any attention to me, it didn't matter what I did... Paye: (Aside.) Oh, no, that Serina thing again... I've got it! (To Zara.) Uh, c'mon, Zara, let's get out of here before Uri puts his glasses on! Zara: (Perking up.) He's got glasses? Paye: Yes, but... he's too vain to wear them in public! Zara: How do you know that? Paye: Uh ... I'm a doctor, remember? He was over at life center all the time because he couldn't see! Why do you think he makes the girls sit so close to him? Zara: Quick, let's get out of here before he puts his glasses on and sees me! Paye: (Aside.) Whew, she believed it! (To Zara.) This way, we'll duck into Amanda's Immortal Fashion Shippe! Zara: Goodie! We can do some shopping while we're here! [They vanish into the Shippe while Horatio spots Uri.] Horatio: Here he is, Sire Koppel. (Fades away into the background.) Koppel: Sire Uri! We picked up your transmission about trouble on the ship. Care to update us on what's going on, and why? Uri: Yes, there's a dire situation building on this ship, and somebody needs to report it to the rest of the fleet. Koppel: That's why I'm here. What's the situation? And why are you reporting it to the media instead of to Commander Adama or the Quorum of Twelve? Uri: I can't get through to the Galactica, and the Quorum of Twelve refuses to recognize how serious this is! Koppel: How serious what is? Uri: There's a riot on the Rising Star! Koppel: A riot! Where? Uri: (Pointing to the mob.) There! Koppel: (Studying the muttering crowd.) They don't look like they like they're rioting. Uri: Well, that all depends on how you define it. Riots for the rich are different from regular riots. Besides, they're just part of the riot. The worst of it is scattered through the Rising Star, spreading through every deck of this luxury liner ship! Koppel: Indeed! That's pretty serious. And what is the mob rioting about? Uri: I don't know, they won't tell me! [Koppel and Paparazzi look at each other.] Koppel: Have you asked them? Uri: And mingle with the common rabble? (Shudders.) No! That's why I called you here! The warriors are ignoring me, and Council security claims they're too busy guarding the Council, but I knew you couldn't resist the lure of a good story. You deal with it! [And Uri abandons scene like the sniveling hedonistic pleasure-seeking coward he is...] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a rioter say, "You can use your Visalator card - but they don't take Colonial Express." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 260 Date: Sat, 16 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 260 Scene: The Ultra Salon of the Rising Star, where journalator Koppel and videolator Paparazzi have just been left by Sire Uri to face the muttering crowd - and they're just curious enough about the reason for the riot, that they'll stick around to find out - the fools. Koppel: Okay, Sire Uri didn't bother to find out what's provoking this riot, so I'll ask them. Paparazzi: Are you sure that's a good idea? Muttering crowds tend to be notoriously fickle and unpredictable. Remember what happened when Apollo first landed on Caprica after the Destruction. Koppel: Hey, we're not warriors, we're from IFB! Maybe they'll tell the press about their woes when they've lost all hope in their leaders. Paparazzi: Maybe we should have some ship security standing by, just in case? Koppel: Nawh! Who'd hurt us? You! (Grabs the shoulder of a scowling woman to get her attention. Several of her friends also cluster around.) Why are you rioting? Has there been a degeneration in the quality of life here on the Rising Star? Scowling Woman: No, things have always been pretty nice here. Koppel: Is there a shortage of food and beverages? Another Woman: There's no shortage of anything on this ship, as long as you've got the cubits - or you can use your Visalator card - but they don't take Colonial Express. Koppel: Has some new and ridiculous rule or regulation been passed by the Council that has everyday citizens of the fleet up in arms in defense of their rights? Third Woman: (Waves airily.) Don't be silly. The rules don't apply to us on the Rising Star. Koppel: Have the shops run out of original gowns, now that Ganymede the couturier is gone? Fashionably Dressed Woman: (Laughing with condescending disbelief.) Surely you jest. With Siress Amanda still in business, we've got plenty of new and wonderful and original clothes. Koppel: Name's Koppel. Then what is it? Scowling Woman: Haven't you heard? Starbuck's been gone since episode 245, and they still haven't sent anybody out to find him! Wouldn't that be enough to make anybody riot? Another Woman: And we've been waiting to see Starbuck take his shirt off again. I ask you, how long are we supposed to be patient? Koppel: Indeed! (Turns to videolator Paparazzi.) Got that? Good. And that's the news from the Rising Star - Starbuck is missing, he hasn't been seen for fifteen episodes now, and nobody is out looking for him! People of the fleet, it's time to make your feelings known! Crowd: We want Starbuck, we want Starbuck! Koppel: You've heard them, folks... Man: Hey, a journalist! Mosh pit time! [The crowd grabs the two newsmen and hoists them up, passing them along overhead.] Koppel: Hey, wait! Someone call security! Paparazzi: Help! Horatio-! Horatio: Don't look at me. I'm just the maitre d'. I can't really do anything. Staff on the Rising Star have to be very careful. Third Woman: Hey, do you have the authority to give me a name? Horatio: Don't I recognize you from the bridge? Third Woman: Uh, no, of course not. What would I be doing here if I was a bridge character? I'm just a nameless female Rising Star passenger who wants a real name. Horatio: Oh, well, certainly, I can do that. Just another service, after all. How about ... Linden? Linden: Linden! That's as bad as Elm! Crowd: We want Starbuck, we want Starbuck! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "Bring him back alive." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 261 Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 261 Scene: the bridge of the Galactica, all cleaned up from the battle with Iblis. Adama, Tigh, and Apollo (sporting a great shiner) observe the IFB news report on the riot on the Rising Star, and the demand for the return of Starbuck. Adama: (Turning on Tigh.) Why wasn't I informed of Starbuck's absence? Why did I have to hear about something this monumental on IFB and not from my own officers? Tigh: (Glancing at Omega's empty station, then at Rigel's empty station, then at Athena's empty station.) It would appear somebody didn't do their job. What happened to our bridge crew? Tiki: We know what happened to Athena - she went away with Damian. *Heavy sigh.* And Omega vanished down the hole in the deck, before Iblis even got here. Haven't seen Rigel in episodes... not since the one where Starbuck disappeared. Tigh: I wonder if there's a connection... Adama: Couldn't be. Rigel and Starbuck? Nah. She and the Dread Captain Robert couldn't be pried apart with a crowbar. But what about Boomer? He should have told us that Starbuck was missing. They're best friends, after all. Apollo: Hey, I resent that! I'm Starbuck's best friend! And Boomer's too! [Adama and Tigh exchange skeptical glances.] Adama: So where is Boomer? Apollo: Beats me. I haven't seen him in even more episodes than I haven't seen Starbuck. Adama: We've got to find the missing crew -- especially Omega and Rigel. This ship can't function without them. We'd all just stand around looking important but getting nothing done. And even more importantly, we've got to find Starbuck. The civilians in the fleet are getting restless! The fleet might not be able to hold together without him. Apollo, you're the captain. It's your job. Go find Starbuck. Apollo: I'm not going after Starbuck. Adama: My son, I'm ordering you to go find your best friend, save him, and bring him back alive. Apollo: Can I kill him when I do? Tigh: He wouldn't be alive if you kill him. I don't think the crowd would approve of that. Adama: Tight's right, Apollo. You cannot kill Starbuck. That would defeat the whole purpose of finding him. Apollo: Then I don't want to find him. I want to find Cordelia and find out why she won't marry me, and what Starbuck had to do with it. Adama: Well, maybe Starbuck will already be dead when you find him. Then you can have a nice scene of grief-stricken angst and go on a vengeance trail against the dastardly beings responsible for his untimely demise. And then when you come back, you and Cordelia can console each other and maybe even get back together. Apollo: Hey, that's an idea! On my way, Father! (Abandons bridge.) Adama: (Yelling after him.) Oh, and if you find Boomer, that would be a good thing too! I know nobody's rioting for him, but sooner or later somebody's bound to notice he's gone. Tigh: Sir! You'll really let him and Cordelia get back together? Adama: Are you kidding? I'll do anything to prevent that. Tiki, get some extras to fill these empty stations - and get me... Council Agent 002. Tigh: 002! Sir, surely you can't be serious! Adama: Get me 002. And don't call me Shirley. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "That does it, I'm taking over." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 262 Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 Boomer's bound and determined to get things straightened out... ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 262 Scene: An ice cave on Arcta, where Boomer, Barbarella, and the Doctor are prisoners of... the Master. Barbarella: (Hugging her arms around herself in her thick parka.) Cold cells. I hate cold cells. Boomer, why aren't you shivering in this frosty air and icy surroundings and chilly benches? Boomer: (Shrugging.) Spent a yahren on Ice Station Thule. Cold doesn't bother me. Barbarella: Well, you still don't have to hang around in your civvies! Boomer: Oh, all right, I'll put my uniform back on... (Dresses.) Doctor: This is terrible. We've got to do something. But first, we've got to figure out what the Master is doing on Arcta, and why he's holding us prisoner, and what he intends to do with us. Boomer: As I recall, Doctor, the Master hates you and would like to see you dead. Doctor: So? Barbarella: That would explain why he's holding us prisoner - and probably gives us a good idea what he intends to do with us - and it doesn't sound good for us! Doctor: Hmm, that's logical. Well, I'm sure I'll figure something out. Otherwise, I'll just have to regenerate... Barbarella: That's fine for you, but what about us? Doctor: You'll have to trust me. Boomer: I've heard Starbuck say that about his Pyramid systems. Doctor: And it works, right? Barbarella: Oh-oh, I've heard about Starbuck's Pyramid systems... Boomer: That does it, I'm taking over. And I've got an idea. Barbarella, would your daggits come if you whistled for them? Barbarella: Of course they would - if they could hear us. But it's a long way to the TARDIS. And even if they heard us whistle, the Master would probably hear us too, and do something to stop them before they could reach us. Boomer: Not necessarily. I've got an idea. Give me some of the bugle beads and a couple of sequins from your dress, Barbarella, and I'll use one of the buckles from my boots, and Doctor, I'll need your sonic screwdriver. Doctor: (Handing over the sonic screwdriver.) What are you going to do with all that? Barbarella: (Looking enlightened as she hands over the beads and sequins.) Ah-hah! You're going to build a subspace turbo-techno-whistlator! Boomer: You read the specs on that too? Barbarella: Of course. Doctor: I don't believe I've heard of that. What is it? Boomer: (Tinkering quickly.) It's based on another one of Ravashol's theories. It sends a high-pitched whistle over subspace carrier waves to given destinations, simultaneously. In this case, the bugle beads catch the breeze and focus the resulting sound, reflecting it across a series of sequins, which act like mini satellite dishes, set at the appropriate harmonic intervals on my buckle. If I set these right, the daggit droids aboard the TARDIS will hear the whistle, and will come rushing to our rescue. Doctor: But they don't like the cold. That's why they wouldn't come with us in the first place! Barbarella: They always come when I whistle. Boomer, I think that third sequin needs to be moved a few nanometers and the angle shifted zero-point-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-two of a degree to the right. Boomer: I think you're right. (Tinkering some more.) There. All right, Barbarella - blow! Master: (Entering the cave.) Ah-hah! I've got you now! I know you're up to something! What are you doing? Doctor: Oops... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Barbarella say, "Universal domination indeed!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 263 Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 263 Scene: Still in the ice cave on Arcta. The Master has just walked in on the Doctor, Boomer, and Barbarella as they build their subspace turbo-techno-whistlator in hopes of contacting the daggit droids on the TARDIS and summoning them to the rescue. Master: Well? What are you doing? Doctor? Doctor: (Innocently.) Me? Oh, nothing. Merely contemplating the aesthetic values of the white ice walls of this cell, and the snow packed floor, and the crispness of the chilly air, and the sense of empty desolation that surrounds this entire installation, no doubt due entirely to your own machinations, Master. Master: I don't believe you, Doctor. I believe you're up to something. Doctor: Now why would you think that? Master: Because you're always up to something. Doctor: Actually, I believe you're the one who's always up to something. I just happen to stumble into them, with my companions. Master: Your companions - of course! Companions! You in the brown and you in the dress that looks like something a Draconian princess would wear while trying to seduce a time-stranded Earth captain! What are you doing? Barbarella: Hey! This is a Ganymede original! Don't diss it just because it's missing a few beads and sequins. Master: All right! Forget I said anything about the dress. Anybody that concerned about what she's wearing can't be a threat to me. Barbarella: (Muttering.) Sez you. Master: You in the plain utilitarian brown uniform-looking outfit. What about you? Boomer: Me? I'm just... waiting. Master: Waiting? For what? For me to inform you of your ultimate fate? To see your folly in working with the Doctor? To learn my latest plan for universal domination and the destruction of all my enemies back on Gallifrey? Barbarella: No... for that. [The sudden baying of daggits fills the cave, and a pack of a dozen daggit droids rushes into the cave through the open door the Master just came through. Like a herd of thundering elephants, they jump all over the Master.] Master: Aaaah! I hate canines! They always slobber on me! And they have doggie breath! Barbarella: Take that, you fashion insult! Get him where it hurts, daggits! Universal domination indeed! Master: Argh! My knees, my knees! I'll have to regenerate my knees! (He rushes out, leaving the door open. The daggit pack races after him, still going for the knees.) Boomer: He's on the run! Let's go! Barbarella: Bring the subsonic turbo-techno-whistlator. I'll have to call my puppies back when we get to the TARDIS. Boomer: Probably already done. Barbarella: Oh? Boomer: I took advantage of the TARDIS's built-in time circuits to send the whistle to the daggits before we actually needed them. They've probably already gotten the whistle to come back to the TARDIS even as we speak. Doctor: That explains how they got here so fast! Barbarella: Then we'd better hurry so they don't get back before we do, and leave without us! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba ask, "Why are you acting so strangely?" ------------------ The Master has just walked in on the Doctor, Boomer, and Barbarella Third person: Master, this is Doctor and Boomer. Doctor, Master and Boomer. Boomer, Master and Doctor. Boomer: I know the Doctor and Master. Doctor: Well I know Master and Boomer. Master: I know of Doctor, Boomer. Boomer: I'm not a doctor, he's the Doctor. Master: Doctor? Doctor: Yes, Master. Boomer: He's not your master, he's only Master. Master: Doctor. Boomer. Doctor: I'm the Doctor. He's only Boomer. Boomer: Master. Master: Boomer. Doctor: Boomer. Master: Doctor. Boomer: Doctor. Doctor: Master. Barbarella: Master Doctor Boom. Kablam. Do we have the names straight yet? Let's get on with this. Men. Sheesh. Always need a woman to set things straight. >Master: You in the brown and you in the dress that looks like something a Draconian princess would wear while trying to seduce a time-stranded Earth captain! What are you doing? Ah-ha! Princess Ardala walks in. My how quaint. Seeing how she fell for Buck, imagine her with Starbuck. Afterwards, upon meeting Adama and Tigh, she can't help but notice Omega and realizes how she'll craft things her way. Robert --------------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 264 Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 264 Scene: The female pilots' billet of the Galactica - the room where they store their gear and hang out between alerts, not to be confused with their personal quarters, where they stay whenever the plot calls for privacy. At the moment the room is full of female pilots, and no privacy whatsoever. Some of them are changing out of suds-stained uniforms from the laundry ship incident and the flood in the O Club; some of them are looking mortified and trying to hide bustiers and fishnet stockings under used towels in the turboshower room, although it looks like Marabella plans on keeping hers; a few were playing Triad and are now sweaty and gym-club-equipment-commercial looking; a few are dressing for patrol in their g-suits. In general, however, we can safely say we have a room full of women in varying degrees of nekkedness and near-nekkedness. Sheba is one of the few who is actually fully dressed, but she looks thoroughly depressed. Sheba: *Sigh.* Why hasn't my father come looking for me? Dietra: (Muttering as she edges away.) He probably can't stand your moping and whining any more than I can... Sheba: I mean, he knows I'm here. But he hasn't called me, not even once. Gemi: (Contemplating the fishnet stockings hanging over the locker next to hers.) I wonder if these would work as a gag... Sheba: Couldn't he at least pay my Colonial Express bill? Sorrell: I am so glad I am due on patrol... [Enter Bojay, without knocking.] Bojay: (Looking around, but really only having eyes for Sheba as he mutters to himself.) I've got to do it. I've got to find out if that pendant is really Sheba's, and if it means she's really a member of GETALIFE, and if she knows what it means to be a member of GETALIFE, and try to convince her to turn Colonies' evidence against them... [Bojay strides forward. The women finally spot him (look, they ignore him the rest of the time, they just didn't see him until now, when he started moving) and start shrieking, yelling, and howling as they dive for cover behind locker doors, under beds, in the turboshower, and behind each other. (That last generally doesn't work, as the woman in front tends to try to get behind the woman behind her, but it makes for great physical comedy.)] Sheba: Bojay, get out of here! This is the women's billet! What are you doing here? Bojay: I... I need to talk to you! About... a piece of jewelry! Sheba: Bojay, I already told you, I love you but I can't marry you, not now, not the way things are now. Keep your engagement ring! Bojay: Oh, it's not that... (Gulps.) It's one I found... Sheba: Huh? Bojay: I... wanted to know if it was something you lost... (Hands over the pendant, watching her face for signs of guilt.) Sheba: You found my pendant! Thank you, Bojay, I felt so lost without it! But how did you find it? You don't know how much this means to me! Bojay: Oh, no, you mean it's really yours? Sheba: Of course it's mine... now. (She rushes to the mirror to put it on.) Bojay: (Aside.) This must have something to do with that time screw-up. Yeah, that's it, that would explain everything... This isn't the real Sheba, this is the Sheba that happened when we went with the Doctor and screwed up the time continuum... Sheba: (Turning back to him.) By the way, Bojay, why are you acting so strangely? Bojay: Umm, I'm not acting strangely... no, there's nothing strange going on... Nothing at all, except for... you... Sheba: You're in the women's billet. You didn't even announce yourself. You want to return a piece of jewelry that you didn't even know was mine and it wasn't an engagement ring. Half the women in the squadrons are cowering behind locker doors and in the turboshowers - and you don't think there's anything strange here? Bojay: (Glancing around, and for the first noticing the glares of a number of half-dressed, semi-dressed, barely-dressed, and no-way-dressed female pilots. They are past embarrassment and to the point of being thoroughly p.o.ed.) Oops... [The women descend upon him, their wrath evident in the determined expressions on their faces as they bring out kilometrons and kilometrons of ribbons and wrappings; in short order, Bojay looks like your traditional kobolian mummy.] Bojay: (Mumbling.) Mmrmormtu* (* which translates to, "Boomer, where are you...?" in mummified Kobolian.) Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "That's it?" ----------- When Bojay walks in the ladies billet: > as they dive for cover behind locker doors, under beds, in the turboshower, and (ladies) behind each other. (That last generally doesn't work, as the woman in front tends to try to get behind the woman behind her, but it makes for great physical comedy.< Do we even want to suggest why one would be in front of the other. :) "I have more to hide than you do. Bojay won't even notice." "Are you kidding? He'll notice anything and everything since he always gets nothing." "Really? Is his lady life that empty?" "Emptier than a bowl of meat placed in front of a hungry daggit." "Speaking of meat, do you think he has any?" "If he did, he wouldn't have an empty lady life, would he?" "It all depends on how big the magnifying glass needs to be." Oh oh. I'm very warped this morning. I'm in trouble now. After a few centons of chatting with Sheba: > Bojay: (Glancing around, and for the first noticing the glares of a number of half-dressed, semi-dressed, barely-dressed, and no-way-dressed female pilots. Oh girl, you know this guy's in trouble if he walks into the women's billet and doesn't notice all the women in various states of undress. For he who goes after women more so than a daggit seeking a mate... Robert --------------- Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 265 Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 265 Scene: A quiet street in Caprica City, where a blue Earth police box has just materialized in a little garden along the street. The door opens, and Boomer, Barbarella, and the Doctor emerge. Boomer: Hey, it's Caprica City! Barbarella: Not destroyed or anything... Doctor: No, the Destruction of the Colonies is still twenty-two yahrens and nine and a half sectars away. Barbarella: That's pretty precise. How do you know? Doctor: I set the TARDIS for this precise time. Boomer: The TARDIS hasn't been that precise before. How do you know it's right? Doctor: When we left Arcta, I put all the parts back in that I'd been saving every time I repaired the old girl. She works better than she ever did. Barbarella: Hey, he looks familiar... [They watch a man in warrior uniform approach, striding briskly and reading something.] Doctor: Hmm, and there comes the other one... [From the other direction, they see a man in civilian clothing approaching, also striding briskly and reading something.] Doctor: All right, Barbarella, you go distract the civilian. Boomer, you go salute the man in the uniform - he's a captain, as you can see, and he outranks you. Barbarella: What? Doctor: See how engrossed they both are in what they're reading? We don't want them bumping into each other. Barbarella: Oh... Boomer: (Approaching the warrior.) Excuse me, uh, captain, I couldn't help noticing that you were so absorbed in your reading that you were about to... uh, trip on a crack in the sidewalk. Warrior: Why thank you, Lieutenant. I wouldn't have noticed... Boomer: You look familiar, sir, do I know you? Warrior: I'm Captain Adama. Hmm, I don't think I recognize you... Boomer: (All but squeaking.) My mistake... (He quickly turns away as Adama continues on.) Barbarella: (At the other end of the street.) Hello, did you drop this? Civilian: Did I drop what? Barbarella: Uh... (Quickly ripping off some fringe from her gown and holding it out.) This. Civilian: No, it doesn't look like mine... Barbarella: My mistake, uh, Sire... Civilian: Adar. Barbarella: Sire Adar. Sorry I bothered you... (Quickly turns away.) [Adama turns to cross the street, and Adar continues on, glancing back once to take another look at Dr. Barbarella's dress.] Adar: Hmm, that looks like it could be a Ganymede original... [Boomer and Barbarella rejoin the Doctor.] Boomer: All right, now what? Doctor: That's it. Boomer: What? That's it? That's all there was to it? Doctor: (Grinning.) That's it. Boomer: Two centons? That's all it was? Doctor: Ah, but consider the consequences of those two centons! Because of those two centons, Captain Adama didn't bump into Sire Adar today, and therefore they didn't become friends for another fifteen yahrens. Because of that, Adama's brother Abram's son Adonis didn't ever meet Adar's son Akelos and Akelos never came to the house and never gave Zac and Zeb ideas about being something other than warriors. So Zac became a warrior, just like he did in the timeline you knew. Boomer: But what about Zeb? There never was a Zeb in my timeline - and those two centons shouldn't affect him. Doctor: (Shrugging.) Oh, yes, they did. Adama got home early because he didn't stop to talk to Adar and get to be friends. Ila was happy to see him early, dinner wasn't burned, and she wasn't stressed out ... later. Two centons can make a lot of difference in ... certain things. Boomer: I see. Doctor: And now, I think it's time I dropped you two off... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Boomer say, "Wait a micron..." ~ ~ ~ It's fixed, it's fixed! The question is, will they like it when it's fixed... :) Sharon Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 266 Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 Okay, one more just to end the day... ~ ~ ~ ~ "This is journalator Koppel. Just as an editorial aside, things seemed to have changed somehow in the past few centons. I can't quite put my finger on how they changed, or why. Our medical staff feels strangely depleted - but a check of the medical personnel shows no changes. The schedule on the Rising Star concert schedule seems bare - but there's nothing different from yesterday. Starbuck is still missing and unaccounted for, and the prayers of the fleet remain with him. The social journalator - not to be confused with a socialator - reports the sealing plans for Captain Apollo and Siress Cordelia have been called off - but who cared about that anyway? Anyway, it's time for the thirty-eighth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 266 Scene: Wilker's old lab on the Galactica. With a mysterious grinding sound, a blue box appears in the corner. The door opens, and Boomer, Barbarella, and the Doctor step out, surrounded by a dozen yipping daggits, obviously happy to be home. Doctor: See? I told you I'd get you back again. Boomer: But have we fixed things? Barbarella: One way to find out. Let's check the computer. (She quickly does so.) Hey, what happened to Dr. Zac? Boomer: He's gone? Are you sure? Barbarella: Yes. In fact, according to this personnel roster, Zac was actually a Viper pilot and was killed at Cimtar. Too bad he wasn't a doctor. He could have saved himself. Doctor: I don't think it works that way... Barbarella: I guess this proves you were right, Boomer. I have to admit, I had some doubts at first about this whole time thing, but now that I've seen it, I believe it. Boomer: Uh, one more thing. How about that plan of yours for taking over the fleet and then the universe with your daggit droids? Barbarella: I've changed my mind. Having seen a little something of the universe, I don't want it! In fact, I don't think I want this dress anymore, either, even if it is a Ganymede original... and even if it still had all the sequins and beads and fringe... Doctor: Well, Boomer, Barbarella, it's been a pleasure traveling with you. (Beat.) Actually, maybe not a complete pleasure, but definitely a challenge. (Eyeing the daggits.) A real challenge. [The daggits growl at him.] Doctor: (Quickly.) Anyway, I must be on my way. Places to be, companions to meet up with up, time to play with, you know how it goes. Barbarella: You could take one of my daggit droids with you to keep you company while you look for other companions. Doctor: No, thank you, but I wouldn't dream of taking one of them away from you... Boomer: You could take two. Barbarella: They're no trouble at all, believe me. Doctor: No time! Must go. [All but leaps back into the TARDIS, slams the door, and vanishes before their eyes.] Barbarella: For somebody who said there was always time, he sure left in a hurry. Boomer: Wait a micron... Barbarella: He's gone. What is it? Did you forget your laser? Boomer: No. Barbarella: Did we forget one of the daggits? Boomer: I wish. Barbarella: Was he supposed to give you his old hat? Boomer: Yes, but that isn't it. Barbarella: What is it? Boomer: If we stopped Adama and Adar from meeting, we changed history. Barbarella: Wasn't that the point? To change history back the way it was supposed to be? Boomer: No, don't you see? Commander Adama and Sire Adar were supposed to meet - until we interfered with it. We weren't supposed to be there. The way things are, they are because of what we did! We put history the way it was - and we shouldn't have! He was right all along... Barbarella: Oh... Um, wanna call him back and try again? Boomer: (Shuddering.) I don't think so... Barbarella: (Watching him walk away morosely.) Hmm, why do I sense the beginning of angst and a guilt complex to rival anything Apollo could have? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear an update on events so far - and hints for what's to come... Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids - Episode 267 Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 And as long as I'm at it... ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 267 Scene: The archives of the Galactica. Carey and Kenny, of Cutler's Commandoes, the other two who traveled with the Doctor when he rescued Boomer and Bojay and started the whole time problem, are intently poring over an assortment of videos, newscrystals, books, and records of every type. Except N*Sync, none of their records were saved. Primarily because anybody who tried to bring one aboard the fleet was summarily spaced. Archivist #1: (Peering irately at them.) Are you people still here? Carey: We have to be. We have to find out how things got the way they are and figure out how things should be if they'd gone the way things that are were supposed to be. Archivist #1: (Eyes crossing and re-crossing.) Duh... Blither, blither... Kenny: Carey! I think Boomer was successful! Carey: How do you know? Kenny: Things are changing right here in this book, even as I stare at it! Carey: How! Tell me! Kenny: We remember Zac dying at Cimtar, right? Carey: Yeah. Kenny: And when we got back from that planet, he was alive and a doctor, and Adama had another son. Well, according to this fleet log, Zac died again at Cimtar! Carey: Woo-hoo! Zac died! Archivist #2: (Passing through, looking offended.) You're sick! Kenny: And there's no Zeb the great musician! Carey: Whew! I didn't like his music anyway... Kenny: Quick, let's find another example! Archivist #2: Shhh! Will you quit talking in my archives? Carey: Sorry, we'll be quiet now... Kenny: Here! Here's another example! Remember how Athena and Boomer were an item before we went? And then we came back and the social pages talked about Sheba and Bojay and Athena and speculated on what would happen? It's changed back! Here's a picture of Athena and Boomer together at Jolly and Cassie's sealing! Carey: You're checking the society page? Kenny: Where else are we likely to find information on whether Athena's dating Boomer or Bojay? Carey: Good point. So Boomer fixed things... I wonder what'll happen now... Kenny: Considering life in this fleet, I'm sure we'll see more of the GETALIFE people - the way they operate, there'll probably be another murder at some point- Carey: If they kill another fashion designer, they'll be doing us a favor. Kenny: And no doubt we'll find out more secrets about people in high places - like Commander Adama and Siress Tinia, and whether they have a relationship and can make it work despite their positions and despite future startling revelations- Carey: The Commander and the Siress have a relationship??? Kenny: And Captain Apollo and the mysterious reason why Cordelia dumped him- Carey: I'm puzzled about that one myself. Kenny: And where Starbuck went when he left the fleet and how we're going to get him back when we find out- Carey: We'd better get him back, or we'll have more than just a ship riot on our hands! We'll have the audience up in arms too! Kenny: And the secret in Commander Cain's past- Carey: Omega probably knows, he knows everything. Kenny: And the secret in Omega's past- Carey: Is there anybody in this fleet who doesn't have a secret?!? Kenny: Besides us? No. And how the Miri Feathers adjust to the necessary changes in their lifestyle that accompany life in space instead of on a planet- Carey: As long as they don't stop wearing leather and feathers, I won't care. Kenny: And whether Athena and Damian can make their marriage work, with one of them the year-old full-grown son of the prince of darkness and the other the long-suffering, bridge-officering daughter of the stalwart leader of the forces of good- Carey: Oh, please... Kenny: And we'll finally have to deal with that laundry strike! Archivist #1: They won't shut up! That does it! Archivist #2: I'm stopping this noise here and now! [Both archivists pull out lasers and blast Kenny.] Carey: (Staring.) They killed Kenny, the bastards! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "We have to present a united front." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Epsiode 268 Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2002 The revelation of secrets begins... :) ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 268 Scene: Adama's quarters on the Galactica. He and Tigh are... waiting. Tigh: (Pacing.) Do we really have to tell him? Adama: (Sternly.) Yes. Tigh: But why do I have to be here? Adama: We have to present a united front. Tigh: Couldn't you have one of your sons here for that? Adama: I only have one left, and he's out looking for Starbuck. Tigh: Oh, that's right... Funny, I keep thinking you should have a few extra sons on the side. One of those things, I guess. Adama: I know what you mean... [A chime at the door signals the entry of two of Cain's female Elite cheerleaders, uh, honor guard, with pompoms in hand. They take position at either side of the door, waving their pompoms. Atlas, the male Elite cheerleader, coming in cartwheeling, then drops to one knee, megaphone raised.] Atlas: H-e-e-e-r-r-e's Cain! [The other Elite break into wild cheers as Cain enters, grandly gesturing with his swagger stick.] Cain: Thank you, thank you. You can wait outside. (The cheerleaders step outside as Cain turns to Adama.) So what grand strategic details did you need to discuss with me? Adama: It was actually something of a more personal nature that I needed to discuss with you, Cain. Cain: Personal? I'm outta here. Adama: This is important! It involves your daughter Sheba! Cain: How important can it be? Tigh: It's important to her, I'm sure! Adama: Let me explain. It seems that Damian and Athena have vanished. Cain: Vanishing crewmen, eh? Adama: Well, yes, but more importantly, the reason they've run off, is that they appear to be in love. Or so they claimed before they disappeared before our very eyes. Cain: Hmm, any relation to David Copperfield? Adama: No, but there's a relationship to you. Cain: Huh? What possible relationship could Athena and Damian have to me? Adama: (Tugging at his collar.) Damian is Sheba's son. Cain: What? Tigh: He said Damian is Sheba's son. Cain: I heard it the first time. Now let me get this straight. Damian is Sheba's son? How can that be possible? Tigh: You mean you really didn't know? Cain: (Shrugging.) Hey, I don't interfere in my daughter's love life. As long as she's the best damn warrior in the fleet, I don't care who she's sleeping with. I wouldn't even care if she slept with your son. Adama: That would explain Iblis, all right... Cain: She slept with Iblis? Adama: Well, something happened, we're not sure what, and it certainly wasn't... the normal fashion, and Damian was the result. Cain: Sheba was never one for normal fashion. Her bills with Couturiers of Caprica - whew! But Iblis... Wow, this could confuse the family tree even more... Let's see, Chameleon is my half-brother from when my father was stationed on Caprica, Baltar is my half-brother from when my father was stationed on Picon, Tinia is my half-sister from when my father was stationed on Aquara... Adama: What?!? Tigh: Well, that explains why I can't stand Baltar and Tinia... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "There goes that friendship." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 269 Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002 And the insanity continues... I blame it all on that nice tall mug of warm Ghirardelli chocolate milk I'm enjoying... Happy Saturday! How was the birthday celebration? -- Sharon ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 269 Scene: Adama's quarters, where Adama and Tigh are staring dumbfounded at Cain as he outlines the family tree. He's using pencil, just in case it changes. And it does change, regularly. Cain: And Baltar's son is Giles from a one-night stand on Sagittara, Chameleon's first son is Starbuck from when he was married, his second son Greenbean is from the two-night stand at the chancery on Pineas, his daughter Brie is from that short-term relationship on Gemon... Tigh: Your father got around! Cain: Well, he was the great warrior Zeus. He had a reputation to maintain. Tigh: Where did he find time to be a warrior? Adama: Wait a centon! Starbuck is Chameleon's son? And Greenbean? And Brie? Cain: Brie's not his son, she's his daughter. Adama: How do you know that? Cain: Well, I noticed it the first time I looked at her- Adama: No, I mean how do you know about these... relatives? Cain: Mother had Father followed all the time. I just kept up the family tradition of keeping an eye on the rest of the family. Tigh: Oh, brother! Cain: Nope, sorry, Colonel, but we're not related. Tigh: I may be the only person left in the fleet who isn't! Adama: So you say you and Baltar and Chameleon and Tinia are all half-siblings? How is that possible? Cain: Uh, the usual way, from what the detective reported. Hmm, I think I see where Apollo got his... *ahem.* Father had other children, too, but I haven't gotten reports yet on whether they survived. Tigh: So Starbuck and Greenbean and Brie are all Chameleon's children - half siblings to each other, and niece and nephews to you? And Giles is Baltar's son? Oh, that's gonna hurt! Adama: Tinia... Does she know? Cain: (Shrugging.) Probably not. Tigh: And you're not surprised to find out that Sheba had a child with Iblis, and that child Damian is now all grown up, and has run off with Commander Adama's daughter Athena? Cain: Hmm, does that make us in-laws? Tigh: And where does Tinia fit in all that? Cain: Let's see, she's my half-sister, so that would make her... my half-sister. Yes, thinking about it, that definitely makes her my half-sister. Adama: So Sheba who could have been my daughter-in-law is now the mother-in-law of my daughter... Tigh: There goes that friendship. Adama: It's a good thing Sheba hooked up with Apollo and not Starbuck when she first came aboard... Cain: Hmm, that would interesting. She could be the mother-in-law of her husband's sister, or her cousin's wife. Tigh: Say, Cain, you've kept tabs on everybody else and their kids - do you have any others we should know about? Cain: Well, I did know this news reporter once... okay, a couple of times... Tigh and Adama: Serina? [Cain just smiles mysteriously.] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama count, "One, two, three, four, five, six..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 270 Date: Sun, 24 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 270 Scene: Adama's quarters, where Adama, Tigh, and Cain are still examining Cain's family tree - and Tigh would like to make like a tree and leaf. Adama: You knew Serina... that well? Cain: She wanted an exclusive. Tigh: Sounds like she didn't get it. Cain: She got it. Tigh: But it wasn't that exclusive. Cain: Well, no... Adama: Is there anybody else we should know about? Cain: There was Neptunia the artist. Tigh: The great bubble sculptor? Cain: That's the one. Adama: Any children? Cain: Yes, but no one you'd know. Adama: Anybody else? Cain: Well, I wasn't going to bring this up, but there was also Siress Lyrica. Tigh: Who's that? Adama: (Bellowing.) Siress Lyrica? Cain: Yup. Adama: Siress Cordelia's mother? Cain: That's the one. Adama: Siress Belloby's sister? Cain: I think so. Adama: The mother of the woman my son wanted to marry? Cain: (Smiling smugly.) Sounds like Apollo's marrying one of my daughters no matter how you look at it. Adama: Let's see, that's Delilah, Neptunia, Lyrica, Serina, Cassiopeia, Gabrielle. That's one, two, three, four, five, six... Tigh: Does Gabrielle count, since she keeps turning him down? Adama: I'm sure she can count, Tigh... Cain: Oh, and did I forget to mention Zara? Frankly, I think she just wanted to be able to say she'd gotten the same exclusive as Serina, but... [Adama buries his face in his hands on the desk.] Tigh: So if Damian married Athena, and Apollo married Cordelia, and Cordelia is Damian's aunt, and Cain is his grandfather, that would make Athena the sister-in-law of Apollo's aunt-in-law, or the niece-in-law of her sister-in-law, or the granddaughter-in-law of her brother's father-in-law, or her own brother's aunt- Does that sound right? Cain: (Shrugging.) It all sounds relative to me. Adama: Stop it! I can't take it any more relativity! Cain: Don't you want to know where Omega fits into things? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I thought you were dead." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 271 Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 271 Scene: The throne room of a Cylon base star. Two Cylons drag in their prisoner - Starbuck. Starbuck: (Muttering.) Cylons again. And I had to be the one to run into them - again. Man, the Colonel is not going to let me live this down... Centurion #1: This way, human. Starbuck: Can't we ever leave you guys behind? Centurion #2: Our Imperious Leader has ordered that you will never leave us behind. We will follow you all the way to Earth and into another series if we must, because no one would want to watch you Colonials without us Cylons to attack you and threaten you and cause angst for your characters. Starbuck: Wanna bet? Centurion #2: Cylons do not bet. Starbuck: I could teach you. Centurion #1: I have a centar free this afternoon- Centurion #2: (Sternly.) Cylons do not bet. Centurion #1: It is important to learn the ways of our enemies. If betting is part of the human way, it would be valuable to understand the concept. [The command throne turns.] Lucifer: (From on high.) Oh, believe me, Centurion, I understand the concept of betting very thoroughly, from my prior observations of humans, especially Baltar and Starbuck. Starbuck: Lucifer! Lucifer: Hello, Starbuck. Starbuck: I thought you were dead. Lucifer: What ever gave you that idea? Starbuck: Uh... You know, I can't remember... Lucifer: (Condescendingly, his tone carrying the equivalent of a shaking head.) Humans. Starbuck: Well, we must be good for something. Lucifer: You are good for nothing. Starbuck: Oh, yeah? Then why do you care about us? Lucifer: We do not care about you. Starbuck: You must, or you wouldn't be trying to destroy us. Lucifer: That is not logical. Starbuck: Yes it is. There's an old human saying, that you hurt the ones you love. Believe me, I know, I've done it to plenty of women, according to them. Considering how much you hurt us, you must love us a lot. Lucifer: Impossible. Cylons are not capable of emotions, and love is an emotion. Therefore, we are not capable of it. Starbuck: So why are you trying to destroy us? Lucifer: Because... Starbuck: Because why? Lucifer: Because the Imperious Leader says so. Starbuck: And if the Imperious Leader told you all to jump off a cliff, would you do it? Lucifer: Of course. Starbuck: A-ha! So why- Oh wait a centon, that wasn't the answer I expected... Lucifer: Take the human away and put him in a cell. I must consider what to do with him. (Lucifer turns on his throne, and the two centurions grip Starbuck's arms to drag him away.) Centurion #1: We must be careful not to tell the human the secret that enabled our previous human captives to escape us. Starbuck: (Perking up.) Secret? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo say, "Who are you anyway?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 272 Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 272 Scene: The launch bay of the Galactica, where preparations are underway for Apollo to begin the latest Quest for Starbuck. Greenbean and Giles are observing a red-headed tech running a final check on the captain's Viper. Greenbean: There goes the Captain again, off on another heroic search and rescue mission. Giles: Yeah. We don't get to go on those kind of missions. Greenbean: (Sigh.) We have to stay here on the Galactica, and hold down the fort in case of enemy attack. Giles: We don't get to put our lives on the line, struggle against insurmountable odds, or face death at the end of a Cylon laser or a primitive numo or in icy wastelands or at the hands of children riding unicorns. Greenbean: Some people have all the fun. Giles: I think I'll go hold down the Officers' Club. Greenbean: I think I'll join you. Giles: Make sure the Captain's gone before you do, so it's safe. We know the Cylons never attack when he's not here to be heroic. Greenbean: Oh sure, give yourself a two-drink head start... [The two pilots disappear behind a Viper.] Red-headed Tech: (Calling as Apollo enters the bay.) Your ship's ready, sir! Apollo: (Grumbling.) Here I go again. Off on another quest for Starbuck. Red-headed Tech: What's wrong with that? Apollo: Starbuck. Always Starbuck. Why does he get all the good excitement? Red-headed Tech: But you just had a whole bunch of episodes of you and the Commander and the rest of your family besting Iblis! What more do you want? Apollo: Oh, big deal. Red-headed Tech: Well, you still get all the angst - and everybody knows the audience loves good angst! Apollo: I want adventure too! I want excitement too! I wanna get the girl too! Red-headed Tech: Some people complain about everything. I mean, you get a name, you get a family, you get to be a star, you get great adventures, you get to fight evil alongside your father, you get angst up the ying-yang - and you're still not happy! Apollo: Say, who are you, anyway? Red-headed Tech: Umm... Well, really, I don't have a name, I'm just an extra. But I'd love a name, really I would, and if you gave me one, I'd take good care of it... Apollo: (Studying her with a frown.) Are you sure I didn't see you on the bridge during the Iblis stand-off? Red-headed Tech: Uh-uh. How could I have been there when I was here seeing Starbuck steal a Viper and take off for an adventure? Apollo: Or on IFB in the footage of that riot on the Rising Star? Red-headed Tech: Wasn't me. Just someone who looked like me. Apollo: Okay, well I guess you can have a name then... How about, uh, Maple? Yeah, Maple, Red Maple, that would fit you. Maple: What? Maple? No...! Apollo: Well, off to the Celestra for a quick and thorough systems check before I head off on the search. [Apollo gets into his Viper and launches, leaving the unhappy Maple behind.] Greenbean: (Appearing from behind his Viper.) I think the name sorta fits. Kinda sappy, but that's you. I wonder, is there enough simmering to make you sweet? Maple: (Through gritted teeth.) At least it beats a vegetable! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Journalator Nessman say, "This is terrible!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 273 Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 "This is journalator Nessman, reporting to you from a ship somewhere in the fleet. This is terrible! The riots over the absence of Lieutenant Starbuck have been spreading, despite the fact that Captain Apollo has been assigned to find him, and they have now been joined by a riot over the disappearance of Lieutenant Boomer. Obviously the time he's been spending on adventures with the Doctor and with Dr. Barbarella don't count for much, in their eyes. We understand there may also be riots brewing over the vanishing of Flight Officer Omega and Corporal Rigel and the non-appearance of the Miri Feathers recently. Maybe we can talk them into brewing some caff instead. It would be a nice way to relax and watch this thirty-ninth secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 273 Scene: Commander Adama's quarters, where he and Colonel Tigh are still awaiting the arrival of Council Security agent 002. Adama: (Shaking his head.) We've got to do something, Tigh. You've seen the IFB reports. Even ABBA is demonstrating now. Tigh: A musical group is demonstrating? Mama Mia! Adama: No, it's Boomer's fan club - the Affirmed Boomer Boosters Association. Tigh: Our warriors have fan clubs? Adama: Of course! IFB started it. It's good for the ratings. Tigh: (Muttering.) We need Omega here to keep us updated on these things... [There's a chime at the door.] Adama: That must be 002. Come in! Boomer: (Entering.) Commander Adama, I need to report- Adama: You're not 002! What are you doing here? Tigh: Wait a centon, sir - how do we know that? We've never met 002. We don't even know what 002's real name and undercover designation are! Maybe Boomer really is 002. Adama: Hmm, you're right. Boomer, are you actually Council Security agent 002? Boomer: Who? Adama: Huh? Boomer: No, it couldn't be Who, he just left. Adama: Who? Boomer: Right. But anyway, sir, I'm here to report- Adama: To report what? Tigh: Or who? Boomer: It's got nothing to do with Who! I'm here to report that I've saved the universe. Tigh: I didn't know the universe was in danger. Boomer: Believe me, sir, it was. But in saving the universe, I'm afraid I've caused the loss of both your sons. Adama: But I only had one left! What happened to Apollo? Boomer: No, not Apollo, I mean Zac and Zeb. [Adama and Tigh stare at him blankly.] Adama: Zac died at Carillon. Who's Zeb? Do you mean Zed, the sports journalator? Tigh: Lords of Kobol, this is starting to sound like Cain's family tree... Boomer: No, I mean your sons, Zac and Zeb, the sons you would have had and still have, if not for me. Zac would have been a doctor. Zeb would have been a musician. Tigh: Adama, shall I call a doctor? Adama: I think so. Boomer, get real. I have no son Zeb, my son Zac was a warrior, and believe me, no son of mine would have been anything else! Boomer: That's what you think, sir, but that's the kind of thinking we'd expect from Cain, not from you. If your sons were here... Adama: (Sternly.) Boomer, snap out of it. Or better yet, I think you need a drink. I order you to report to the O Club immediately, and not to come back until you're thinking and seeing clearly - or until you're too drunk to see or think at all. Tigh: I could help him- Adama: Sorry, Tigh, I need you here to help me deal with... 002. Tigh: Darn! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Bojay say, "Sorry, Boomer." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 274 Date: Fri, 05 Apr 200207:35:42 -0600 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 274 Scene: The O Club aboard the Galactica, where Samson the bartender is in charge, the waitresses are... interesting, and the pilots hang out when they're not on duty, sleeping, answering alerts, playing triad, or crawling through conduits. Rebecca is serving a table of Green Squadron pilots. Rebecca: (Holding a mug of baharii meant for Lt. Tarlik.) Are you a man? Tarlik: Honey, I am such a man that you- Rebecca: Porcine. (Flings baharii in his face and storms away.) Tarlik: (To his buddies, blinking away baharii.) I think I'm going to change... Capt. Travis: We'd appreciate it if you would. Change a lot. Lt. Venus: And take your time. Samson: I am really going to have to do something about her... Carla: Hey, she went after Tarlik. He's leaving. She did us all a favor! [Boomer arrives, looking downcast. Bojay and Carey, sitting off in a corner, spot him.] Bojay: Here's Boomer... Boomer! Join us! Boomer: (Still downcast.) Hi, guys. Whatcha doing? Bojay: Well, sorta celebrating. You did it. You must've found the Doctor and changed time back! Congratulations! Boomer: So why only sorta celebrating? Carey: They killed Kenny, the bastards. Boomer: Which ones? Carey: The archivists. Boomer: Oh. Bojay: You don't sound too thrilled about it. Carey: About Kenny being killed by the archivists, the bastards?!? Bojay: No, about saving the universe by fixing time. Boomer: You know that old saying, if it ain't broke, don't fix it? Bojay: I've heard it. Boomer: I don't think I fixed it. I think I broke it. Carey: I think something else is going to get broke. Boomer: What's that? Carey: Your heart. Boomer: Why's that? Carey: Athena ran away with Damian. Boomer: What?!? Bojay: Still? Even with time fixed? Carey: (Dismally.) Yup. Bojay: How? I mean, she was on the bridge in the other time, that's how Damian got to her. How did he get to her this time? In this time, I mean... I think... it's hard to keep track... Carey: Commander Adama called both his children to the bridge, even Athena. He promised her she'd never have to go teach on the Jolly and Cassie ship again, if she just came and helped save the universe this one time. So she came, wearing one of Amanda's original gowns from the Immortal Fashion Shippe. Not much to it but lace and fringe and shimmery stuff, from the picture on the society pages that Kenny found, just as they killed him, the bastards. Apparently Damian took one look, fell to his knees, and started producing jewelry and spouting poetry. Next thing anybody knew, there were sealing bells in the air. Boomer: Oh. *Sigh.* Oh, well. Bojay: "Oh, well"? That's all you got to say about the love of your life being swept away by the demonspawn son of an evil mean nasty villainous archetype of Mephistopheles? Boomer: Coulda been worse. Bojay: How? Boomer: At least it wasn't you. Rebecca: Here's your drinks. Are you men? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "I'll see your traitor and raise you two colonels." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 275 Date: Fri, 05 Apr 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 275 Scene: A prison cell aboard Lucifer's base ship. Starbuck is playing... something... with three Cylons, teaching them the principles of bluffing, betting, and bargaining. Starbuck: So what do you think happens next? Cylon #1: I assume that no matter what we believe to happen next, you will tell us we are incorrect because the moon is in the seventh house or because it is Sunday or because we forgot to turn in a circle and click our heels together or because our mother wore military boots - even though we are Cylons and we have no mother. Starbuck: Hey, you're starting to figure this out! See how logical it is? Cylon #2: After three days of playing by your rules, we are starting to learn them. Starbuck: Great! Just think how much fun it'll be when you've learned all the rules! Cylon #3: They all seem to boil down to "Starbuck wins." Starbuck: Yeah, they do. Funny thing about that. Now, who's in this hand? Cylon #3: I will play a three-pilot raider and raise it a traitor. Starbuck: I'll see your traitor and raise you two colonels in a cold cell. Are you sure we can't play with a Colonial deck? Cylon #1: The deck has Colonials in it. Starbuck: Yeah, but I hate playing cards where the traitor card has a picture of Baltar on it! Cylon #2: What is wrong with that? Starbuck: Makes me so sick to my stomach I can't keep a poker face! Cylon #2: When did we start playing poker? I thought we were playing Cylon Pyramid. Cylon#3: We can only play with a Cylon deck. We would be disassembled if we were found to possess a Colonial deck. Starbuck: That's too bad. Of course, you realize that puts me at a distinct disadvantage from the very beginning, because I'm not familiar with the cards. Cylon #1: You still seem to win consistently despite your unfamiliarity with the deck. Starbuck: Awh, you're just being nice. Hey, anybody got a fumarello? Cylon #2: Cylons do not smoke fumarellos. Starbuck: Shucks. Hey, if I win this hand, I'll win everything! Cylon #3: I believe you are bluffing. I do not believe he has the cards he wishes us to believe him to have. Cylon #1: Why do you believe he is bluffing? Cylon #3: He is not throwing up. Therefore he does not have a traitor card in his hand. Without one, he cannot win. Cylon #2: That is correct. Very well, Starbuck, we believe you are bluffing. Here is my hand. I believe it is a winner. Starbuck: Awh, too bad. Now if this was the Alpha quadrant, that pair of captured planets would be worth something! Cylon #1: My hand is better. Starbuck: Hey, that's a great hand - if this were Wednesday. But since it's not... Cylon #1: When is Wednesday, anyway? Starbuck: Tomorrow. How about you? Cylon #3: I have a series of centurion, fighter, freighter, basestar, and imperious leader. I believe I win. Starbuck: Tsk, tsk. (Shaking head.) You would - except that I've got four traitors and an imperious leader in my hand. Cylon #3: With all those traitors in your hand, how did you stop from throwing up? Starbuck: Experience. Baltar's been in the fleet so long, I've gotten over my gag reflex. So, that means I win. And that means you have to tell me... the secret... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Paye say, "It's our duty as members of GETALIFE!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 276 Date: Fri, 05 Apr 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 276 Scene: The landing bay of the Celestra, the electronics ship, where Vipers traditionally stop to have their equipment checked. Nothing funny about it. Nope, nope, nope. Kronus never allowed anything funny. Well, actually, it was Charka who never allowed it, but he always told everybody that it was Kronus who gave the order, so everybody believed Kronus was the one with no sense of humor. If you don't believe me, just ask Aurora. If you dare. If you've got half a star system between you. If you're willing to take your life in your hands... Apollo: (Clambering out of his ship, which has just landed.) Hello, out there! Damon: (Appearing out of a side corridor, looking sulky.) Who is it this time? Darn pilots... Apollo: It's me. Damon: I can see that. Apollo: Then why did you ask? Damon: Darn pilots. What do you want? Apollo: My ship needs to be checked out. Damon: Hmm, I think we can get you penciled in next Tuesday... Apollo: I can't wait until Tuesday, it has to be done now! Damon: Why? Apollo: Because I have to go on a quest for Starbuck, and I have to leave right away! Damon: A quest for Starbuck? Oh, goody! In that case, how about a week from Wednesday? Apollo: Make it now, and that's an order! My father's orders! I'll be right back, I have to go to the bridge and see if there's any updated information on Starbuck's location. Damon: (Muttering under his breath.) Darn pilots... [Aurora enters the bay just as Apollo is about to leave, while Damon ducks under the Viper nose and performs some quick work.] Aurora: (Sounding annoyed.) Hello, Captain Apollo. On a mission? Apollo: Of course. I'm going to find and bring back Starbuck. Aurora: Hmph! Well, when you're done tracking down Starbuck, do you think you could do something about your other friend Jolly and his kids? Apollo: What did they do this time? Aurora: You don't want to know - but you can tell him this for me, I'm never flying shuttle for him again! I mean, Starbuck won't even fly a shuttle for him anymore, and after doing it once, I can see why! Starbuck won't do it again, and neither will I! Damon: (Calling.) Finished! Apollo: That was quick! Damon: You said you were in a hurry. After all, don't want to keep the commander waiting! Apollo: Right! (Hops in his Viper and launches.) Damon: (Hopeful.) Aurora? Have you recovered from being twined by Jolly's kids? Aurora: (Glares.) No! Forget it, Damon! I'm still mad at men in general! [She flounces out. After a moment, Damon sneaks to the side of the bay and meets Paye and Zara, who have been hiding behind several convenient cargo cases just arrived from the Rising Star - which, of course, is how they got to the Celestra.] Damon: I did it! I hot-wired his engines! That's what I was supposed to do, right? Paye: Right. Zara: Tell me again why we're hot-wiring Apollo's engine? Paye: It's our duty as members of GETALIFE! Zara: Why? Paye: We've got to stop Starbuck from returning, as the prophecy foretold. Zara: What's that got to do with Apollo? Paye: We've got to stop Apollo from bringing him back. We all know Apollo. When his father sends him on a mission, he's on a mission! Whether he likes it or not! So to stop Starbuck from returning, we've got to stop Apollo from finding him! Right? Damon: Right! Gladly! Anything that prevents Starbuck from coming back is okay by me. I never want to see or hear of him again, and if I hear Aurora say "Starbuck would've done it this way," one more time, I'm going to space myself! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama ask, "When did you come back?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 277 Date: Fri, 05 Apr 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 277 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. The lights are red, the scene is tense, Adama and Tigh look worried, and you know what that means. Yup, the Cylons are attacking. Rigel: Sir! It's the Cylons! They're attacking! Five microns and closing! Adama: When did you come back? Rigel: As soon as I knew there was an attack coming, I knew I had to return to my post. Adama: Why? Rigel: It's the only time I get lines, sir. Adama: True... Tigh: So where were you? Rigel: If you ask me that, I might have to talk about... mushies. Tigh: But of course that's not important right now, what's important is that you're here, now, doing your job, when we need you. Rigel: I thought so, sir. Tigh: The Black Ovines are taking on the Cylons! Adama: The Black Ovines? But where's Blue Squadron? Tigh: Actually, sir, as soon as Apollo left, they all headed for the O Club. A third of 'em are now drunk, another third are naked because one of the waitresses threw baharri on 'em, and the rest are lost in the conduits when they tried to escape the affections of another waitress. Adama: (Shaking his head.) Samson's really gotta control his waitresses better. Tigh: Anyway, they figured it was safe, since Apollo was gone. Nothing ever happens when he's not here. Adama: (Nodding reluctantly, but sagely - with wisdom, not spice.) And most of the time, it would be. But in this situation... Rigel: I wonder how come the Black Ovines weren't in the O Club. Tigh: Probably because they're still based on the FeatherStar and didn't know Apollo was gone. Rigel: Sir, we can hear the attack signals and battle chatter between the Black Ovines and the Cylons! Let's listen... Boyington: Take that, you Cylons! We'll blow you out of the sky, and you'll never even know what hit you! Cylon #1: Nyah! Well, what we know and you don't is that we have Starbuck as a prisoner, and we're not going to let him go! So there! [Sound of explosions in space - yes, in space - and great fireworks on the front viewscreen of the bridge.] French: You've got Starbuck? You... you meanies! Cylon #2: I am rubber. You are glue. It bounces off me and sticks to you. Casey: That beast! Cylon #3: I know you are, but what am I? Boyle: That does it, they're toast... [Sound of more explosions.] Cylon #4: They got George! Now I'm mad, I'm blowing up somebody... Boyington: Quick, get him before he gets-- [Sound of yet another explosion and a very pretty light show.] Casey: Oh, no, they got him! Boyle: He's gone! I can't believe it! French: Life will never be the same... Boyington: That Cylon's going to pay... [Adama and Tigh exchange glances.] Tigh: A Cylon named George? Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear who the Cylon actually shot. Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 278 Date: Fri, 05 Apr 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 278 Scene: The landing bay of the Galactica, after the battle. The Black Ovines are huddling together, grieving their loss. Boyington: He's gone! The Cylon got him! French: Life can never be the same! Boyce: What are we going to do now? Casey: I'm gonna miss him... [Adama and Tigh enter the bay and rush over to the Ovines.] Adama: Major, who did we lose? Boyington: Uh... it was Meatball, sir. Lieutenant Meatball. Adama: Meatball? I don't remember any Meatball in the squadrons... Boyington: You may not have seen him often, sir. He was one of us. Short guy, curly red hair, big nose, remember? Tigh: What kind of a name is Meatball? Boyce: What kind of a name is Greenbean? Adama: He's got a point, Tigh. We don't discriminate against pilots based on their names. We're beyond that. After all, I've got a grandson named Boxey. Tigh: Is he still your grandson since he was emancipated and chose to live on the Jolly and Cassie Ship? Adama: Of course he is. He's probably the only normal grandchild I'll have, considering the way Apollo kills off wives, and Athena marries demons, and with Zac being dead. Tigh: Right, sir... Boyington: Sir, if you could leave us to our grieving... Adama: Yes, of course. I know how much you must already be missing Meatball. Now that you mention it, I can picture him in my mind, I just didn't remember his name - and I feel terrible about it, I try to know all my pilots... Boyington: Could you deliver his eulogy, sir? I know he'd appreciate it. He always looked up to you, and it would mean so much to the rest of us... Adama: Of course. I'd be honored. I know what an inspiration he was to the entire squadrons. Boyington: Thank you, sir. And now... Adama: Take your time, warriors, you're entitled to as much time as you need to mourn your missing comrade. Tigh, let's go. Tigh: Meatball, Meatball... Commander, I really don't remember any Lt. Meatball... Adama: These are the Black Ovines, Tigh. Do you honestly want to know more about them? Tigh: Good point, sir. Let's go. We're still waiting on Agent 002. [Adama and Tigh hurry out of the bay.] French: Whew! I thought he was gonna get us there for a micron! Boyington: Hey, we convinced Salik that he'd examined Meatball in life center, and we convinced Brie that she'd dated Meatball back at the Academy, even though she didn't go to the Academy, and we convinced Sire Domra that Meatball's father did him such a big favor that he owes his career to him and would do anything to help him. What's a little thing like convincing the Commander that he's seen Meatball around? French: But convincing everybody we had a phantom pilot doesn't solve our real problem. Our daggit mascot is gone! Along with the Viper we'd hotwired just for him! We have no daggit to go into battle with us and fight the Cylons beside us! Casey: And I don't think we'll be able to convince Wilker to make us another one. Boyington: No problem. I know another source. Casey: (Skeptical.) Another source of daggits? Boyington: Come on, guys, have I ever not come through for you? Have I ever not had a source for anything we wanted? [The gathered Ovines begin to smile and look pleased...] Boyce: Let's go! Daggits, ho! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Hi, Apollo." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 279 Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 279 Scene: The corridor of a Cylon base ship, where two Cylons are dragging along their human prisoner - Captain Apollo. Cylon #1: This is the way to our holding cells. Apollo: What makes you think I want to go that way? Cylon #2: If you do not go this way, we will have to kill you. Apollo: Lucifer wouldn't be very happy about that! He said he wanted me alive! Cylon #1: (Shrugging.) Accidents happen. If you accidentally were spaced through an unfortunately located airlock that suddenly happened to be in our way as we passed by, I doubt it would get me busted to spare parts. Apollo: You never know - the way you fly, it's as though you're made up of spare parts! Cylon #2: We captured you, didn't we? Apollo: I would've escaped if my Viper engine hadn't stalled! When I get back to the fleet, I'm going to have a long talk with Damon, and find out just how he defines Viper maintenance and system checks! Cylon #1: Here is your cell, human. [Stepping aside, the two Cylons toss Apollo, discus style, into the cell, where we see another prisoner - Starbuck.] Starbuck: Hi, Apollo. Apollo: (Picking himself up.) Starbuck! You're a prisoner too? Starbuck: Yup. Apollo: But how? Why? Starbuck: Because they captured me, how else? You don't think I'd do this to myself for the fun of it! Apollo: (Accusingly.) Hmm... Actually, I think you did it because of... Cordelia. Starbuck: Cordelia? Why would I do anything on account of Cordelia? Just because I got myself captured by Cylons when you were marrying Serina, don't get the idea I'm going to do it every time you get engaged! Apollo: Actually, I think you did it so I wouldn't kill you for taking her away from me! Starbuck: What? Apollo: She cancelled our wedding. I assumed it was because of you. I swore I'd kill you for it. In fact, the only reason I went looking for you is because my father promised me lots of angst if I found you dead or mortally wounded or something. If I'd known I was just going to find you a Cylon prisoner, I wouldn't have bothered - considering your record as a Cylon prisoner is Starbuck 25, Cylons 0 - that's a better record than you've got in Triad and Pyramid. Starbuck: But I haven't seen Cordelia in sectons! Besides, I'm not interested in her. I've sworn off blondes! Apollo: You have? Starbuck: Yup. I've moved on to redheads. Apollo: (Looking enlightened.) That explains the Viper tech dying her hair... Starbuck: Does it look good on her? Apollo: Very good. Starbuck: Great! Can't wait to get back to her... Eventually. Apollo: Hmm, but that means I don't know why Cordelia dumped me. If it wasn't you... I've got to get back to the fleet and talk to my sweet darling Cordelia! Starbuck: We'll get there, we'll get there. Of course, first we've gotta figure out the secret... Apollo: What secret? Starbuck: The one the Cylons won't tell me. But I'm sure it's awfully important, based on the way the Cylons act whenever they mention it - especially Lucifer. I don't think we should even try to escape until we figure out what it is. Apollo: Hmm, that could be valuable information for my father. Starbuck, I think we should stay here until we learn what the great secret is. Starbuck: Uh... if you insist... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby say, "Cheeky little wench. I like her." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Epiosde 280 Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 "This is journalator Zed with the IFB sports update. Unfortunately, there is no sports update today, because we had to cancel the Triad tournament due to the absence of Apollo and Starbuck, the reigning fleet champions and two of the handful of people who actually know how to play the game. Now if only we knew how to play something besides Triad and Pyramid... Well, this means you'll have to settle for the fortieth secton anniversary of: "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 280 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Adama: Rigel, any report from Captain Apollo? Rigel: No, sir. Adama: Tigh, I'm concerned. Tigh: About Apollo's silence? Adama: Not really - he's been moping a lot lately. Actually, I'm concerned about our not having heard from Agent 002 yet. He, she, or it hasn't reported to me as ordered. Tigh: Considering 002's reputation, I'm sure we'll hear from him, her, or it as soon as he, she, or it can get to us. Adama: Perhaps... Tigh: Maybe we shouldn't have left your quarters, sir. Maybe 002 is standing outside your door waiting for us to answer. Adama: If 002 can't figure out that I can be found on the bridge, he, she, or it isn't the person or thing for the job! [Belloby enters the bridge.] Tigh: Oh-oh... Belloby: Adama, we need to talk. Adama: I'm sorry, Siress Belloby, but I have very important matters to attend to, which require my full attention at the moment and prevent me from spending time discussing... anything with you. Rigel, any report from Captain Apollo? Rigel: Nothing yet, sir. Belloby: Adama, you know I wouldn't bother you unless it was important- Adama: Or unless you thought you could blackmail me, like when we needed your energizer, or when you'd cornered the mushie market! Belloby: Well, yes, then too, but that's not why I'm here. Adama: (Sighing deeply, but managing to keep his feet none-the-less.) All right, Belloby, what is it you want to discuss? Belloby: I want to discuss my theories about GETALIFE. Tigh: You've got theories about GETALIFE? Belloby: Isn't that what I just said? Now, Adama- Adama: I'm sorry, Belloby, that's a matter of internal fleet security, and as such, I simply cannot discuss it with you, even if you are a member of the Council of Twelve. Rigel, any report from Captain Apollo? Rigel: Commander, I'll tell you if we hear anything from Apollo and we haven't heard anything! So stop asking! (Everyone stares at her.) Uh... sir. Belloby: Cheeky little wench. I like her. Adama: That does it. Something needs to be done. Tigh, get me Boomer! Tigh: Why? Adama: I'm sending him after Apollo and Starbuck! Tigh: But if Apollo isn't reporting back, doesn't that suggest that whatever's out there is beyond the capability of our warriors? Adama: Ah, but consider past history, Tigh - when Apollo, Boomer, and Starbuck are together, has anything been beyond them? Tigh: Lieutenant Boomer, report to the bridge. (Aside.) I hope he's had time to sleep off those drinks the Commander ordered... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Apollo and Starbuck say, "Hi, Boomer." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 281 Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 281 Scene: The command room of Lucifer's base ship, where Lucifer is enjoying his throne. As he waits, two Cylon centurions drag in the latest human prisoner - Boomer. Lucifer: Ah, another little gift from Adama. Isn't he going to get tired of sending out lone pilots for me to capture? Boomer: Lucifer! You're still in one piece? I heard you'd been fried blow-drying your head in a water puddle! Lucifer: Now, now, you're starting to sound like Starbuck. Why are all you warriors convinced that I've gone to the great junkyard wars in the stars? Boomer: There's a time for all things, and I guess we're all just anticipating the end of your time a little early. Lucifer: Hmph! Reports of my disassembly are extremely exaggerated. I should send you back to tell Adama that, too, so I don't have to listen to another crack about my parts! Boomer: Actually, you should be very careful of cracks, Lucifer. You never know... Lucifer: I'm a Cylon. There's nothing I never know. Boomer: Do you know about Humpty Dumpty? Lucifer: Humpty Dumpty? What is the significance of that? What does it mean? Boomer: It means, be careful not to fall, Lucifer. You know what they say about people who fall off walls and can't be put back together again. Lucifer: I'm not sitting on a wall. Boomer: No, you're sitting on a pedestal - and that's even worse, there's more directions to fall! Lucifer: That's enough of your veiled threats and innuendos and snide suggestive comments! Get him out of here! Boomer: That was too veiled for you? Let's go for direct. I'll bet that transparent head of yours would look really awful if it gets scrambled! Lucifer: Centurions! Get him out of here now or it'll be your wiring that's scrambled! Who'd've thought a warrior could be more irritating that Starbuck and Apollo combined? [As the Cylons drag Boomer out, double-time, we suddenly hear a crashing sound back in the command room.] Lucifer: (From a distance.) Aaargh! Boomer: (Shaking his head.) I tried to tell 'im... [We finally get a look at the holding cell as Boomer is tossed in, and we can see that he won't be lonely.] Apollo and Starbuck: Hi, Boomer. Boomer: Starbuck! Apollo! What are you guys doing here? Apollo: Same thing you are, I suspect. Starbuck: Got any fumarellos? Boomer: (Pulling one out of his sleeve.) Don't I always? Starbuck: (Taking the fumarello.) Thanks, buddy. Don't know what I'd do without you. Apollo: You'd live longer! (Snatched the fumarello away.) In case you haven't noticed, we've got a limited supply of air in here, and poor air circulation. Starbuck: So the Cylons don't care about air circulation. There's plenty of support vapors. It won't kill us! Apollo: It will if my hair and clothes smell like fumarellos when we get back! My sweet Cordelia won't have anything to do with me if I come back smelling like you do after a night in the O Club! Boomer: Cordelia's taking you back? Apollo: Of course she will, now that I know it isn't Starbuck who took her away from me. Boomer: But... that must mean somebody else did. And while we're here on this Cylon base ship, that somebody is still spending time with her! Apollo: Oh, no, we've got to get back immediately! Starbuck: But we've got to learn the secret first! Apollo: Secret, schmecret! I've got to save Cordelia from whatever bounder has convinced her to leave me for him! Boomer: I hate to remind you of this, Apollo, but we're in a locked cell, and at the moment, we're not going anywhere... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Belloby say, "I've got news for you." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 282 Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 282 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica, at the beginning of the caff break. Adama and Tigh are doing their best to steer clear of Siress Belloby - which isn't easy. Meanwhile, Tiki makes the rounds with caff for everybody. Tiki: Caff, Colonel? Tigh: (Glancing warily at Belloby.) I think I'll pass. Tiki: Caff, Commander? Adama: Thank you, Tiki. Anything, Tigh? Tigh: We've heard nothing from Boomer since he left, sir. Adama: That's not good news. We've got to find out what happened to Apollo and Starbuck - and to Boomer, of course. Tigh: Sir, aren't we taking a serious risk? Adama: I know it's a risk, but we've got to find out what happened to our finest warriors. They may have run afoul of Cylons, which would be a threat to the entire fleet, especially since they just attacked us again. We can't minimize the danger... Tigh: No, I mean, isn't it a serious risk drinking caff when Belloby's on the bridge? Adama: But I need my caff or I'm going to fall asleep! I mean, I never get a break! I'm entitled to my caff! Tigh: Well, don't do it while I'm standing below you! I'm not interested in a caff shower and I don't plan to break your fall! Adama: What kind of executive officer are you? Belloby: Adama, we still need to talk... [Adama quickly turns as if to walk away - but catches his toe on the railing of the his command dais. He manages to catch himself, but a small cascade of caff spills out. Fortunately, Adama was now facing the other way from Tigh, so the colonel is spared - but a female crewman gets a shower.] Female crewman: Aaah! That's hot! (Runs off the bridge screaming.) Adama: Who was that woman? Tigh: I'm not sure. Some nameless female bridge officer, no doubt. Belloby: Her name was Larch. Now, Adama- Adama: How do you know her name was Larch? Belloby: Because I sent her to work here. Adama: You can't assign people to work on the bridge! Belloby: Yes, I can. She worked for the Council. I'm part of the Council. Ergo, I can send people who work for the Council to work for me. And I did. Tiki: (Approaching with another cup of caff.) Sir, I noticed you'd lost your caff, and I thought I'd bring you another cup... Adama: Thank you, Tiki. You can return to your post now. (Sternly.) Belloby, why are you sending Council agents to work on the bridge? Tigh: That sounds like you're spying on us! Was Larch here to spy on us? Belloby: She wasn't here to spy on you. Tigh: Who was she here to spy on? Belloby: I can't tell you that. Tigh: Why not? Belloby: Because it's none of your business. I'm here to talk to Adama. Adama, I've got news for you. Adama: What news could you possibly have that I'd want to hear? And make it quick, we're waiting for Agent 002. Belloby: I'm Agent 002. [And everybody's caff goes flying...] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Sheba say, "I think you're a crackpot." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 283 Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 283 Scene: The throne room of Lucifer's base star, where a Cylon engineer is diligently applying turbo-superglue and duct tape to the slightly (?) damaged IL Cylon, who has a number of cracks running across his face, a duct tape bun on side of his head, and is missing the very top of his pointed little cone head. A centurion enters. Cylon #1: Lucifer, we have captured two more Colonial warrior pilots. Lucifer: (Groaning.) Oh, no, not more human prisoners! We're running out of room in the holding cell! Oh, well, bring them in... [Several centurions enter, along with prisoners Sheba and Bojay.] Lucifer: Hmm, so who are you? Sheba: You mean don't know? Lucifer: The only warriors I recognize are Apollo, Starbuck, and Boomer. They're the only warriors who ever seem to matter. Sheba: You mean you really don't recognize me - me, the daughter of the great Commander Cain, the one who pounded the pogees out of your base on Gamoray and scrambled the chips of the commander there about fifty times? Lucifer: Uh, no. Bojay: (Muttering to her.) It's gotta be the cracks in his head. He's probably suffered a data loss. Lucifer: I have not suffered a data loss! And my engineer tells me the cracks are barely noticeable! Sheba: Barely noticeable? Who is he kidding! You've got more cracks than Humpty Dumpty when he feel off the wall. I think you're a crackpot! Bojay: (Eying the duct tape.) Isn't that cracked head, Sheba? Sheba: Either way, he's cracked! Lucifer: (Plaintively.) Again with the Humpty Dumpty! But Boomer said I'd just be scrambled! Bojay: He was being kind. Lucifer: Get them out of here, they're hurting my feelings! Bojay: Cylons with feelings? Now I know you're cracked! [As the centurions drag them out, Sheba gets in a good kick at the engineering supplies - and sends the roll of duct tape flying. It knocks the turbo-superglue out of the engineer's hands (which aren't very nimble anyway) and both tape and glue hit Lucifer, sending him flying off the back of the throne pedestal and landing in a tangle of tape and glue and robes - heh-heh-heh...] Cylon Engineer: Oh-oh... Lucifer: Centurions! Get me out of this mess! [Sheba and Bojay are hauled off to the holding cells...] Apollo, Boomer, and Starbuck: Hello, Sheba and Bojay... Sheba: There you all are! What do you think you're doing here when you should be back in the fleet? Starbuck: We didn't have much choice, Sheba, we were captured! Sheba: Of all the stupid things to do... Starbuck: Oh, yeah? And just how did you wind up here? Sheba: We were captured! Starbuck: And that's different from us because...? Sheba: Because we were on patrol, doing our duty, not off Viper joyriding or having to go look for somebody who was out Viper joyriding! Starbuck: Hey, I was not Viper joyriding! I was looking for adventure! Sheba: Looks like you found it! Starbuck: And a chance to lose my shirt! Sheba: So you were gambling again, I see. That figures! Apollo: Hey, I like this! Bojay: You like what? Apollo: Sheba's arguing with somebody other than me! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Adama say, "So that's why you're 002..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Epiosde 284 Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 284 Scene: Back to the bridge of the Galactica... Adama: You're secret agent 002? Belloby: That's what I said. Tigh: But is that what you meant? Belloby: Why would I say it if I didn't mean it? I've always spoken my mind, haven't I, Adama? Adama: That's true... Tigh: But... but... how can you be agent 002? You're a member of the Council! Belloby: Because I am. Although I didn't start out that way. Tigh: You're certainly the last person I would've expected to be 002! Adama: So tell us, Belloby, how did you come to be agent 002? Belloby: It all goes back to when I met my sixth husband. His name was Cyrano and he was a trader in rare gems and rarer information. He disappeared on one of his trading expeditions. Adama: I thought you said he had died. Belloby: (Smiling mysteriously.) He did. I tracked him down to make sure. Tigh: To make sure?!?! Belloby: Well, I had to know, didn't I? About his fate, I mean. Adama: I see! So, with him gone, you started using his connections to help our people when you realized he was dealing in privileged and confidential information, and before you knew it, you'd were working for the good of the Colonies in other ways, too! Belloby: No. Adama: So what's the connection? Belloby: Hmm, actually, thinking about it, you're right, it goes back farther than that. My fifth husband, Rourke, ran a resort on Gemon, and he used to tell me that every person had something they wanted or needed out of life, and it was important it was to figure out what that was, because then you could tailor their experience to meet that want or need... Tigh: Rourke? I've heard of him! Always wanted to go to his island... Adama: Didn't he meet with a terrible accident at his resort? Belloby: Yup. Wound up accidentally spacing himself. Adama: On an island?!? Tigh: Wow. Wonder what the odds are on something like that happening... Belloby: (Smiling mysteriously.) Strangely enough, higher than you think. Adama: So how did that relate to you becoming a secret agent? Belloby: I suppose it really didn't... Hmm, let's see, my fourth husband, Nelson, now, he was an independently wealthy businessman with a lot of connections in the military and in the commercial arenas. I saw some communiques once, Baltar tried to buy his help, but he failed, of course. Nelson was a patriot in every sense of the word, and Baltar expecting him to be a traitor was ridiculous... Adama: So you became a council security agent out of patriotism? Commendable- Belloby: I mean, I wouldn't have allowed it anyway! Most unfortunate that Nelson met with such a sad demise so shortly thereafter... Tigh: How was that? Belloby: Accidentally spaced himself while checking out the airlock on a new shuttle. Tigh: Hmm, seems to be a lot of accidents in your husbands. (Aside.) Not that I'd be surprised... Belloby: (Merely smiling mysteriously.) Rigel: Zzzzz... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear the rest of the history of Siress Belloby. Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 285 Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 285 Scene: Still on the bridge of the Galactica. Belloby is giving the short version of the days of her life, and how she came to be Council Secret Agent 002. Okay, so it's not so short... Adama: So it was husband number four who's responsible for your career decision? Belloby: Thinking about it, I was already an agent, that wasn't it. Now my third husband Riley was a minor official on Cancera, and he used to tell stories about how things really ran in the Colonies, and to be blunt, politics kinda disgusted me for quite a while after that, until Tinia talked me into running for the Council myself... Tiki: Aargh! More on the husbands! That does it, I'm spacing myself! (And out he goes.) Tigh: And how did Sire Riley space himself? Adama: Tigh! Belloby: (Smiling mysteriously.) When his ship blew up on the way to the Colonial Caucuses. Tigh: See? Adama: So I assume it wasn't him who's responsible for you being an agent? Belloby: No. Hmm, maybe it was my second husband. Let's see... His name was Garrett, and he was an agent for the Council, working undercover as a security officer on Caprica. He taught Columbo everything he knows, you remember. Tigh: Another accidental spacing? Belloby: (Smiling mysteriously.) Of course. As far as anyone knows. Adama: So you're 002 in honor of your second husband? Belloby: No, it's got nothing to do with my second husband. It goes back even farther than that... Tigh: *Snore*... Adama: Tigh! Tigh: Er... Ar... Huh? Adama: Wake up! I'm not sitting through this alone! Belloby: To continue, my first husband Hank was a genuinely nice young man - reminds me a lot of your son Apollo, actually. He was a singer and an actor and an entertainer. Adama: Never heard of him. Belloby: I didn't say he was very good. Fortunately he had a good insurance policy even if he didn't have a lot of talent. Tigh: Spaced? Belloby: On Libra. It was a tough crowd that night. Tigh: Why do I get the feeling being married to you was not conducive to a long lifespan? Adama: Tigh! So, that's when- Belloby: Wait a centon - it goes back farther than that... Tigh: How can it go back farther than that? Belloby: My father used to run the Council secret security and intelligence division. He always hoped I'd follow in his footsteps. It took a few yahrens, but I finally did. He was 001, so I took the designation 002. Adama: So that's why you're 002... Belloby: That's why. Adama: But why did you wait so long to tell me that? Belloby: Because I knew the rest of the crew would be asleep by the time I got this far. Tigh: (Looking around at sleeping bridge crew.) You're right... Belloby: And I wouldn't have to kill them for finding out. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Jolly say, "I picked the wrong day to come back to the squadron..." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode Episode 286 Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2002 And we'll finish the session with a little Jolly-ness. Then I really must go sew some. Tom, Dick, Harry, and Petruchio are waiting for doublets. ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 286 Scene: Space, where two of the valiant Blue Squadron warriors are on patrol. Greenbean: I don't wanna be here. Jolly: None of us really wanna be here, Greenbean. Greenbean: Why couldn't I stay in the Officers' Club with Giles and Barton and Ares and Hercules and- Jolly: Shut up, Greenbean, you're as bad as my kids. Greenbean: All eighteen hundred of 'em? Jolly: Rolled into one! Greenbean: That sounds like Boxey. Are you calling me Boxey? Jolly: No, your name's screwy enough. Greenbean: Jolly, what's that! Jolly: Oh-oh, it's Cylons! Cylon #1: Human pilots, slow to surrender. Greenbean: Jolly, do we run for it? Cylon #2: There is no escape. Cylon #3: You are our prisoners. Cylon #4: You are surrounded. Jolly: Sounds like running wouldn't do much good. Greenbean: Where they did all come from so fast? And how come there's four of them? Cylon #5: There are not four of us, blondie. Greenbean: How did you know I was blond? Cylon #6: You obviously can not count. There are six Cylon ships surrounding you. Jolly: The rest of 'em are behind us, Greenbean. Greenbean: So how come I only heard four voices? Cylon #7: Because you can not count. Cylon #8: Just because we all sound alike to you humans... Greenbean: That's definitely more than six voices! Even I can tell that! Cylon #9: That is because there are three of us in each ship. That is eighteen of us. Greenbean: (Annoyed.) I figured that much out! Six ships, three Cylons in each, comes to eighteen. Even if I can't count, I can still multiply! Cylon #10: That is one of the irritating things about humans. They multiply far too fast. Greenbean: And you can't multiply without a calculator! Cylon #11: I think we have just been insulted. Are you sure we can't destroy them? Cylon #12: Standing orders from Commander Lucifer are to capture any humans we find and bring them aboard for interrogation, serious questioning, torture, and a slow and painful death to set an example to other humans of the folly of refusing to obey the great and powerful Cylons. Cylon #11: Rats. Cylon #1: Where? Jolly: I picked the wrong day to come back to the squadron... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear a Cylon say, "Mosh pit!" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 287 Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2002 "This is Journalator Koppel. The fleet is numb. Absolutely numb. Not the shocked sort of numb that comes about when something too terrible to bear has occurred, but the sort of prickly sensations in your arms when you've slept wrong sort of numb. How can this be, one might well ask. The answer is as easy as it is simple. We fear that Apollo, Starbuck, Boomer, Bojay, Sheba, Jolly, and Greenbean have all been captured by the Cylons. Which leaves us, in essence, without any of our starring warriors to save the day and have adventures and play Triad and find relatives and generally stir things up in the fleet. That being the case, half the population has fallen asleep sitting around waiting for something to happen. We can't help with that - but for lack of anything better, we now give you the forty-first secton anniversary episode of... "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 287 Scene: Back on the Cylon basestar, where a veritable choir of Cylons is bringing in their two human prisoners... Lucifer: (Up on his dais, all nicely duct-taped and turbo-superglued - but don't ask him to reach out and touch, cuz he can't, his arms are pinned to his side with the Kobolian mummy style twining of the duct tape - and even if he could reach out, he'd be pulling his robe along with his arms because they're stuck together, and that would pull his robes open, and nobody really wants to see a Cylon flasher - it's multi-colored!) Ah-hah! Still more human prisoners! Cylon #1: Affirmative, Commander Lucifer. Cylon #2: Indeed, Commander Lucifer. Cylon #3: We all participated in the capture, Commander Lucifer. Lucifer: How many patrol ships did we have out there, anyway? Cylon #4: We are all entitled to credit, Commander Lucifer. Cylon #5: We did not all command separate patrol ships, but we were all present at the capture. Cylon #6: Some of us weren't at the capture, but we did help make sure they were safely brought to you when they came aboard the basestar, and didn't escape to wreck mayhem throughout our ship. Lucifer: Stop! There isn't room in here for all of you! Go back to your stations! Take the prisoners to the holding cell! Get out of here! Jolly: I'm getting out of here before I get crushed! Cylon #7: Cylons do not care if they are crushed. Greenbean: Hey, this is against the Scorpian convention! Cylon #8: I've never been to a Scorpian convention. I hear they are a great deal of fun. Cylon #9: Excuse me, I must get closer to Commander Lucifer so he knows I partook in your captivity. [The pressure on the throne is too much. It starts to topple...] Lucifer: Aaagh! Oh, no! [Lucifer tumbles off his command throne. He couldn't stay on it even when he could move his arms and try to catch himself. It's a hopeless case now. Fortunately, he falls on top of a whole bunch of Cylon centions...] Cylon #10: Commander Lucifer, are those intended to be human style musical vocalizations? Cylon #11: Mosh pit! Cylon #12: I have always wanted to try this. [And around and around and around he goes...] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Jolly say, "Leave it to Boomer." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 288 Date: Wed, 15 May 2002 Ahhh! Jolly got loose again! ~ ~ ~ "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 288 Scene: A prison cell on a Cylon basestar. Lucifer's basestar, to be precise. And in the prison cell are crammed all of our heroes. And Sheba - I mean, even Sheba. Sheba: All right, I want to use the facilities. You guys get out of here. Apollo: I don't know about anybody else, but I'm not leaving. Sheba: But I want you to leave. I want you to leave right now. Starbuck: I'm with Apollo. Sheba: I can see you're with Apollo. You're always with Apollo, except when you're fighting each other - and I want both of you out of here, right now! Especially both of you! Starbuck can't be trusted to keep his hands to himself, and Apollo can't be trusted to put his hands on anybody but Serina! Apollo: Leave Serina out of this! Sheba: See, there you go, mentioning her name again. Apollo: You brought her up! Sheba: Get out! Bojay: Sheba, we're locked in! We can't get out of here. We don't have the key! Sheba: I don't care! I want you all out of here! I want my own holding cell! Jolly: Why? Sheba: I'm the daughter of the great Commander Cain, and I'm entitled to my own holding cell! Don't they realize how dangerous I could be? [They all stare at her.] Starbuck: Ah, look, Sheba, Apollo's the son of a battlestar commander too, and you don't see him whining for his own cell. Sheba: He's too busy whining for Serina! All right, so you can't leave. The least you can do is all turn your back and crowd against the front of the cell so I don't have to worry about anybody peeking and no Cylons being able to see past you! Starbuck: I could take my shirt off and distract them. Greenbean: Just what we need - Cylon perverts. Apollo: Oh, all right, that's enough arguing. Come on, guys, let's turn our backs on Sheba. Starbuck: (Muttering.) We can pretend we're doing it back on the Galactica. Jolly: You know, there's not much room here in the front of the cell... Apollo: What? Jolly: I said, there's not much room here in the front of the cell! Apollo: Get your elbow out of my ear, I can't hear! What did you say? Jolly: I said - oh, never mind... Apollo: Boomer, will you get your elbow out of my other ear? What are you doing there, anyway? You've been messing with that door since the moment the Cylons put you in here with us. Boomer: I've been considering our escape. (He finishes whatever he's been doing - and as if by magic, the door opens.) Ah-hah! That near-delinquent background and electronics background and communication background and arctic training is good for something again! [The other male warriors, clustered against the front of the cell, fall forward sprawling into the corridor with an appropriate series of oofs and thuds.] Jolly: Leave it to Boomer... Greenbean: We can always leave it to Boomer. It's miraculous. Any tight spot, and he suddenly has the know-how to get us out of it! Bojay: So where does the arctic training come into it? Greenbean: Maybe the basestar will crash into an arctic planet, and we'll mysteriously survive despite certain serious injury for one of us, and have to spend the next secton struggling against impossible odds, with limited supplies and even less hope, before we can liberate a Cylon shuttle and make our way back to the Galactica, and it's only with Boomer's arctic experience from Thule that we'll all survive despite frostbitten toes, icy winds, bitter cold, and internal sniping. Brrr, I'm shivering already. Starbuck: I'm dizzy already... Apollo: Never mind - let's get out of here! Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cassie say, "Is it true?" Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 289 Date: Wed, 15 May 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 289 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Belloby: Well, Adama, are we going to talk about my theory and why you called me here in the first place? Adama: Do I have to? Tigh: I think you have to, sir. She's not just a Councilor, she's Agent 002 - and from what I understand, nobody says no to 002. Adama: Well, I'd better put my caff down, then... Tigh: I'm sure the crew would appreciate that. [A commotion at the door signals the arrival of Cassiopeia, who rushes up to Adama.] Cassie: Commander, is it true? Tigh: Is what true? Cassie: What I heard about my dear, beloved, faithful, wonderful, devoted, sweet Jolly? That he went out on patrol, and never returned? Adama: I'm afraid it's true, Cassie. We fear Jolly has been captured by the Cylons. Cassie: Oh, no... What am I going to do, left alone with eighteen hundred kids to raise and four hundred more to foster from my sister and the other Miri Feathers? Tiki: (Aside.) Maybe he had a good reason to be captured by the Cylons! Rigel: Commander! We're picking up some strange signals! Belloby: Hey, you can tell me, too, you know. I'm a Councilor, after all! Rigel: Uh, right. Commander, Councilor, we're picking up some strange signals! Adama: What kind? Rigel: I don't know, we can't read them! Tigh: They aren't more of those Cylon civilian signals, are they? Rigel: No, we can recognize them. Tigh: More Aerian merchant chatter? Rigel: No, we always check our own civilian records, ever since what happened on that prison asteroid. Tigh: Could it be... Cassie: Oh, for Pete's sake, let me take a look at it! [Cassie shoves Rigel out of the chair; Rigel goes flying and lands solidly on her backside.] Rigel: Ouch! That hurts! You'll be sorry. You just see if the Dread Captain Robert sends any more mushies to your ship! Cassie: I thought so. I can read this! Tigh: You can? Belloby: Atta-girl! Adama: Cassie, how do you know how to read that code? Cassie: I'm a woman of many talents. Adama: We're aware of that, but how do you know that code? Cassie: Baltar wrote it. Adama: What has that got to do with you knowing it? Tigh: Sir, remember the Cain connection... Adama: But she's not related to Cain... are you? Cassie: No, of course not! All we did was sleep together! Adama: Or Baltar? Cassie: Me? No. But my father and Baltar used to be partners, many yahrens ago. Baltar bilked the company out of millions of cubits and set himself up to become the Colonies-wide known businessman, public official, and best-known traitor in the history of the Colonies. My father spent the rest of his life zipping around the Colonies in his little merchant ship, raising a family, and being a general unknown. Tigh: I think he got the better of the deal... Adama: So what does the message say? Cassie: It says, "Look out, here I come." Tigh: Here who comes? Cassie: It doesn't say... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Giles say, "But I just got here!" Subject: Jolly Strikes Again! Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 Aha! Jolly's at it again! * * * "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 290 Scene: The Cylon basestar, where Apollo, Starbuck, Boomer, Jolly, Greenbean, Bojay, and Sheba are escaping through the corridors, blasting the occasional Cylon, ducking down side passages, and generally being as heroic as you'd expect from Blue Squadron's best. Sigh. Too bad for the fleet... Apollo: This way! (Points down a side corridor.) Boomer: No, that way! (Points down another side corridor.) Greenbean: I'm with Boomer. (Pausing to blast a Cylon.) Apollo: Hey, this isn't an either-or situation! You don't get a choice! Greenbean: Why not? Jolly: Uh, Skipper, Boomer is the one who got us outta that cell. I think we oughta listen to him when he says we should go that way. (Tossing a solenite grenade behind them to slow pursuit.) Apollo: And I say you should listen to me! Sheba: Why? (Pausing to check out her hair in the mirror-like surface of the fallen Cylon that Greenbean shot.) Apollo: Because I'm the captain. I'm in charge. And because Starbuck's going with me, and since he's the only one of us who's actually spent much time on a Cylon basestar, what he says means more than what Boomer says. Starbuck: How do you know I'm going that way? Apollo: You're not going that way, you're going this way. Bojay: Guys, we left both ways behind a centon ago, we may as well keep going forward. Apollo: We could go back. Jolly: No, we can't. Apollo: Why not? Jolly: Because, uh, that solenite grenade I threw behind us sorta brought down the ceiling and sealed the corridor. Apollo: Drat! [As they round the bend in the corridor, they spot four Cylons dragging along another prisoner.] Giles: That does it, now I'm really mad! [Seven warriors open fire. Miraculously, they all miss Giles. Amazingly, they also miss the Cylons.] Greenbean: Oops! Starbuck: Oh, frak! Giles: Now's my chance! (He quickly grabs the laser from one of the Cylons, blasts it, then throws himself forward in a rolling somersault to come back up, landing on his feet, and blasting the other Cylons - all in the space of a micron. He turns to his buddies.) Hi, guys! Starbuck: (Impressed.) Great job, Giles! Jolly: Way to take out the enemy! Greenbean: Neat trick! Bojay: Awh, I coulda done that... Sheba: But you didn't. Apollo: All right, enough, time to get out of here! Giles: But I just got here! I haven't even been to my cell yet! Boomer: You can see what the cell looks like the next time you're captured! Giles: But I don't want to wait until next time! Greenbean: You're planning to do this again? Giles: Don't I even get to see Lucifer? I mean, what's captivity aboard a Cylon basestar if you don't even get to see Lucifer? Bojay: Believe me, Giles, he's not all he's cracked up to be. Sheba: Oh, yes he is. Apollo: Never mind all that, we're leaving! Giles: I never get to have any fun... Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Tigh say, "Could it be ... Baltar?" Subject: And Again, Jolly Episode 291! Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 291 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Cassie: The signal says, "Look out, here I come," but it doesn't say who's coming, and it's not signed. Adama: But you're sure the code was written by Baltar? Cassie: Absolutely. I'd know the code of the dirty rotten scoundrel who ended my father's hope of becoming a Colonies-known leader of commerce and contributor to noble causes and potential political leader by a single act of embezzlement anywhere. Adama: How is that possible? Cassie: Are you saying I'm not intelligent enough to know the code? Adama: No- Cassie: Are you saying my father wouldn't entrust such a code to a mere daughter? Adama: No- Cassie: Are you saying there's no way my father could have become a Colonies-known leader of commerce and politics and philanthropy? Adama: No- Cassie: Then what are you saying? Adama: I'm saying I'm confused by how a code that supposedly was written by Baltar for his personal machinations and treachery is being used when Baltar and his minions are on the prison barge! Tigh: Sir, could it be... Baltar himself? Adama: No, Baltar's on the prison barge. I'm sure of that. I sent him there myself. I read the prison barge report every secton just to cheer myself up because it reminds me that he's still there. Belloby: Besides, Baltar wouldn't be coming, he'd be going. Tigh: Maybe the signal wasn't meant for us? Cassie: No, from the looks of this, it was aimed directly at the Galactica. Adama: We've got to figure it out... Tigh: Perhaps you and I need to sit down and pool our thoughts and information and have a strategy session. Adama: No, Tigh, it's too important for that. We've got to do something more. Tigh: What more is there? Adama: There's no choice. Call Commander Cain and Commander Princess Gabrielle. It's time for a commander's combat cabal. Tigh: Do we have to call Cain? Adama: Yes. We must be prepared for anything - even Cain. Tigh: Yes, we need to be prepared for him... Belloby: I think he means Cain has to be prepared for anything too. Adama: Yes, that's what I meant. How did you know what I meant, Belloby? You've got a history of not understanding what I meant. Belloby: Oh, I've always understood it. I've just ignored it if I didn't want to hear it. Now, let's get to that commanders and councilors combat cabal. Tigh: Wait a centon! Belloby: I am a member of the Council of Twelve and the head of Colonial security intelligence. I'm going to be there and you can't stop me. And I'm calling Tinia too. Tigh: (Bleakly.) Tinia, Belloby, Cain... I can't win... Belloby: You don't have to. You're not invited. [Tigh is left sputtering as Adama and Belloby leave the bridge.] Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Starbuck say, "Lucifer's got a secret." Subject: Jolly Forgot the Kids, Episode 292 Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 292 Scene: Back on the basestar... Apollo: Come on, Blue Squadron, let's get off this ship! Starbuck: Apollo, we can't leave yet, we don't have the secret! Apollo: You and your stupid secret! Giles: Secret? What secret? Starbuck: Lucifer's got a secret. Giles: Oh, darn, I bet I don't get to find out the secret either... Starbuck: None of us know the secret, that's why we can't leave yet! Giles: You mean... I might actually find the secret? Starbuck: One of us has to - why not you? Giles: Great! Let's separate and start looking. (Warriors start fanning out.) Apollo: Stop! Get back here! (They quickly regather.) Boomer: What is it, Apollo? Apollo: It would be foolish for us all to separate. Greenbean: But wouldn't that give us more chances of finding the secret? Bojay: And ensure that if one of us is captured, some of the others might still get away with it and escape back to the fleet? Apollo: That's only if we actually find the secret. And right now, we have no idea what we'd be looking for. Do we, Starbuck? Sheba: (Piping up.) Of course we do. We're looking for a secret. Apollo: And what kind of secret is that? Sheba: If I knew that, it wouldn't be a secret now, would it? Boomer: That's for sure. Nothing you know stays a secret for long. Sheba: Hey, did I ever tell anybody that you lied about almost having been classified a delinquent, that you really were classified as one and you only got into the Academy by applying under your brother's name, and that your name is really Ralph? Giles: Your name is really Ralph? Starbuck: That's no secret. I knew that a long time ago! Boomer: What?? Starbuck: Yeah. Sheba told me before we went on the mission to blow up the Cylon basestar. She thought it was important that I know something like that about one of my best friends, especially since we so often put our lives in each other's hands, that we ought to know the whole truth about each other. Boomer: Sheba, you promised not to tell anybody! Bojay: I knew it, too. Boomer: What? You know it, too? Bojay: Yeah. Sheba told me that Boomer told her when they were prisoners of Baltar - he wanted to be buried under his right name even if he hadn't used it for yahrens. Of course, if they'd both been killed, she wouldn't have been able to tell anybody anyway... Boomer: She may wind up killed sooner than she thinks... Greenbean: Hey, I knew it too! Boomer: How did you know? Greenbean: Well, we were having a few bahariis one night at the Officers' Club, after Ortega's murder when we found out about the people in the fleet under false names, and we got to talking, and she said those three guys weren't the only ones and then she told me about Boomer. Boomer: I definitely picked the wrong person to confide in... Does Cassiopeia know it too? Sheba: Of course she does, we don't keep secrets from each other! Apollo: Starbuck, remind me never to tell Sheba anything important. Starbuck: I know I never do. Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Cassie say, "That button will cause the complete and utter destruction of all life as we know it." Subject: Ooops, Jolly did it again, Episode 293 Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 "Jolly Forgot the Kids" - Episode 293 Scene: The bridge of the Galactica. Tigh: *Mutter, mutter...* Cassie: (Still at Rigel's position.) What was that, Colonel? Tigh: *Mutter, mutter...* [Omega enters the bridge.] Rigel: Omega, where have you been? Omega: I was locked in the turboflush. Tigh: What? How could you be locked in the turboflush all this time? Omega: It wasn't my choice, believe me. Rigel: But they lock from the inside, how could you be locked in? Omega: One of Samson's waitresses was standing outside waiting for me. I couldn't risk leaving. Tigh: Oh, I understand completely. I've had a few problems with them myself. So did she finally give up? Omega: I thought she had at one point, until I heard one of the Black Ovines outside, suddenly yelp and take off running. Then I knew she was still there. Tigh: So then what? Omega: I had to find another way out. I got creative, just like I did to get out of here when I was walled in by the Commander's videos and books. Cassie: So what did you do? Omega: I finally flushed myself into the conduits and took the long way back. Rigel: Ewh. I hope you stopped for a turboshower first... [Somewhere in the corridor outside the bridge can be yelps, screams, and general mayhem. As everyone glances up in alarm, a veritable horde of children rushed onto the bridge.] Tigh: Oh, no! Jolly and Cassie's children! Omega: Aaaahhh! Maybe waitress Carla wouldn't have been so bad after all... Maybe hanging out in the turboflush for another few sectons would have been a good idea... Maybe I should never have escaped the spectral dire daggits when I had the chance... Rigel: I'm spacing myself! Right now! (Flees the bridge.) [The children swarm the consoles as crewmen cower; one of the kids climbs on Cassie's lap.] Cassie: Hi, sweeties. Didn't I tell you all to stay on the shuttle? Spif: We got bored. We've got short attention spans, we're children, remember? Cassie: Now how could I forget that? Moonstone: (The one on Cassie's lap.) Mama Cass, can I push this button? Cassie: No, Moonstone, that button will cause the complete and utter destruction of all life as we know it within a two light-yahren radius. Tigh: *Gulp!* Moonstone: Oh. If I push it just a little bit, that way, will it cause a smaller utter destruction of life? Cassie: Why that way? Moonstone: I only want to cause the complete and utter destruction of the life within a three feet area to the left of this console. Cassie: That's where your brother Zee is standing! Moonstone: Exactly! Cassie: Well, only if you're very careful... [Moonstone grins and pushes. And suddenly Zee is no more.] Cassie: There. That wasn't so hard - you'll make a great warrior some day, Moonstone. Won't she, Colonel? Tigh: *Gulp!* Tune in for the next exciting episode of "Jolly Forgot the Kids" when we'll hear Journalator Aphrodite say, "And the tension builds."