Starbuck Shampoo
by Robert Hanczyk
hanczykr@gmail.com
July 21, 2008

Walking down the corridor towards the lift to launch bay...

     Starbuck was in his usual excited tone whenever he discovered
something new. "Apollo, remember that planet we were just on?"
     Apollo, in a matter-of fact, dry tone, replied, "How could forget? 
It's not even been a secton since we were there."
     "Yeah, well, remember those plants we sat by for our Ambrosa break?"
     Apollo corrected him.  "You had ambrosa. I had jaffa."
     "Right."  Starbuck was still excited.  "Did you know one of those
plants had a cream in it?"
     Apollo began to grow a little tired of the cat and mouse question
and answer game.  To think, long range patrol was coming up shortly?  If
he didn't humour Starbuck now, he would never hear the end of Starbuck. 
Then again, Apollo knew he could shut off the comm radio while on patrol
and not have to listen to Starbuck.  But if they were hundreds of
hectares apart, and Starbuck discovered something...  Oh well, Apollo had
to listen to Starbuck.
     "No, Starbuck, I didn't know any had cream in them."
     "Well, here's the good part.  That cream is a natural shampoo for
hair.  Isn't that great?!?  Look what it did to my hair."  Starbuck
stopped to show off his golden locks.
     "Starbuck, it looks the same as it always does."  Apollo was not the
least bit amused or interested in Starbuck's hair.
     "That's it!  It's great shampoo.  It's natural.  I can grow it on
the Agro ships and sell it in the fleet.  You should try some, buddy."
     Apollo was as deadpan as possible.  "Starbuck, I don't need anything
for my hair."
     "Tell that to Sheba."
     "Now, what's that supposed to mean?"
     Starbuck said, as slowly as possible, "Apollo... buddy... pal... Did
you ever look in the mirror?"
     "I have more important things to do than stand in front of a mirror
for a centar."
     "I'll put it to you this way.  Your hair is dead.  It's a flop.  It
never looks good at all."
     "Starbuck... Lieutenant!  As Strike Commander and Captain of Blue
Squadron, I don't have to worry about my hair.  And in a viper, the
helmet covers it anyway."
     "Yeah, it's a good thing you don't see yourself when you remove your
viper helmet.  Your hair definitely shows the helmet effect."
     Apollo was growing a bit impatient.  "What do you expect?"
     Starbuck was still calm and jovial.  "Ever notice how no matter what
happens, my hair always looks good?"
     Apollo murmured to himself, "Oh the vanity of it all." He raised his
voice to ask Starbuck, "And why am I to care?"
     "Did Sheba ever tell you about your hair?"
     "No."
     "Well, she told me about it. It really bothers her.  When you two go
to the Rising Star together, you should really do something to improve
your hair.  And now I have the answer."
     Apollo returned to being matter-of-fact and dead-pan as possible. 
"Everybody knows me.  They know how I look."  But the annoyance crept
into his voice.  "Why do I care if my hair is a little out of place?"
     "A little?" Starbuck asked with heavy stress on the last word.
     The lift arrived and they boarded it to descend to the launch bay.
     Starbuck continued.  "If it were only a little out of place, you'd
have nothing to worry about.  Now, look, I have this tube of plant
cream."  He pulled it out of his flight jacket and handed it to Apollo. 
On the label, in large brown letters it had, "Starbuck."  In smaller
letters, each a different color was, "Shampoo."  Below those, in even
smaller, green letters was, "Totally Natural like me."  Apollo didn't
even move to accept it.  "Look, buddy, think of Boxey.  He looks up to
you.  Do you want Boxey growing up with messy hair." As a side note,
Starbuck added, "It has been a little messy lately."
     "I hadn't noticed."
     "I didn't expect you to.  Hair seems to be one of your least
favorite subjects."
     "Cadet Starbuck..."
     "Hey!"
     "...With the survival of this fleet at the top of my mind, I don't
care what my hair looks like."
     "That's just it, Polly."
     Apollo's eyes instantly became bright red with fire.  The kids used
to tease him and call him Polly when he was beginning his schooling at
six yahrens.  Starbuck was one of the few people outside of his family
that ever discovered that.  And if Athena hadn't opened her big mouth to
Starbuck about it...
     The lift stopped on the launch deck.
     Starbuck continued.  "You still won't have to worry about it if you
start using my Starbuck Shampoo.  Sheba and Boxey will be happy.  And you
wouldn't have to do anything.  Even after Triad, your hair will look
marvelous."
     "Starbuck, the way you are talking now is beginning to worry me."
     "Why is that?"
     "You're the only man in this fleet who ever worries about his hair."
     "That's because I'm Starbuck.  And I won't disappoint the ladies. 
They just love to run their fingers through my hair."
     They boarded their vipers.
     "And, Apollo?"
     "Yes, Starbuck."  Apollo bit his tongue.  This was most annoying. 
He slid down into his seat, donned his helmet and closed the viper
canopy.
     "When was the last time Sheba ran her fingers through your hair?"
     "LAUNCH!" Apollo ordered.  And he was out into space in a heartbeat
with Starbuck still on the launch rails.
     Starbuck smiled.  Another victory.  If only Apollo would try out the
Starbuck Shampoo...

The End