Title: Thoughts 4
Author: Athena13 (athena13@geocities.com)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A Med Tech's Thoughts

Disclaimer: These works are fiction stories based on the series 
Battlestar Galactica and its characters created and owned by Glen A. 
Larson. These stories are not being sold for profit and no infringement 
of any copyright rights are intended. All unrecognized characters and 
plot lines are mine and copyright protection is claimed. Any 
resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

Dedication: To 1999 and the Year of the OAD!

~~~~~~~~~

'I should have known! I should have known!' I can't stop the phrase 
that's going through my mind.  I really should have known.  I'm not 
inexperienced, especially when it comes to men and relationships. I am, 
was, a trained socialator for goodness sake!  I mean when I met 
Starbuck I knew there was no way he was the settling down type.  I 
certainly never meant to get to this point with him.  I thought we'd 
have some fun for a while, maybe even be friends.  I never thought I 
would change so much and want more.

I guess it was naive of me, really.  Our entire world had been 
destroyed, how could I not expect to change?  I wanted to change!  I 
knew there was no place for a socialator and I didn't want to have to 
subject myself again to a civilian ship, so I decided to become a Med 
Tech.  It wasn't that far from my former profession, I cared for 
people, I just didn't get to sleep with them anymore. And I found 
myself liking the respectable life.  And wanting more of it.  Enter 
Starbuck.

When I met him he seemed so carefree and fun.  As expected, he also 
came with established emotional entanglements.  One which appeared to 
have ended thanks to the Cylons and another that still lingered around.  
Well, *she* lingered around.  So I thought.  That was another example 
of how blind I've been.

I thought Athena was this annoying little girl who was hanging around 
trying to catch Starbuck's eye.  When I found out who she was, I 
amended that to a spoiled little girl chasing her brother's best 
friend.  It wasn't until sectars later that I discovered that Athena 
was no little girl, just a rather young woman and she wasn't hanging 
around "my Starbuck" uninvited.  All the time I was convinced Starbuck 
was just taking pity on her, or trying to use her to keep me at arm's 
length, they were in fact trying to resurrect what I now know was a 
rather serious relationship. But then I didn't have all the facts.

For instance, I didn't know until tonight that Starbuck had proposed to 
her and she had rebuffed him.  If I had known that back on Carillon I 
might have walked away and not let him use me to get back at her.  Or 
hide from her.  Whatever.  

I also didn't know until tonight that Starbuck never slept with her.  
That was mind blowing knowledge.  Starbuck likes his sex.  A lot.  I'm 
trained remember.  What would I have done if I had known that Starbuck 
had dated her for a yahren without that incentive?  How the hell do I 
know! I never got a chance to think about it!

Maybe this isn't as out of the blue as I thought earlier.  Yes, 
Starbuck has seemed more willing to settle down lately.  He's been 
exploring his emotional side more lately.  Talking about things like 
family and commitment.  How was I supposed to know he didn't mean me?  
Well, there were a few clues actually.

Things have been strained between us for a while.  It's not something I 
gave a lot of thought to.  We live stressful lives and we were going 
through changes.  But I should have looked closer, I do have psych 
training.  

Then there's the time he's been spending with Athena since she pulled 
herself out of the romantic feud.  I've even come to genuinely respect 
and admire her.  I'm a secure woman and I never thought twice about 
them spending time without me around.  They've known each other for 
yahrens and are practically brother and sister. Well, that's what I 
thought.

Then there was the fact that our sex life has been less than stellar 
for a while now.  Another thing I just brushed aside until "later."

I am certain, however, that Starbuck had no idea how he felt about her.  
He was so busy running away from her.  He told me he loved me and I 
believe he truly does.  Just not as deeply as he loves her.  If I 
hadn't slept with him would he have stuck around?  I don't really think 
so.  That's not who he was then and probably not who he is with anyone 
but her.

I am even more positive that Athena has absolutely no idea what is in 
Starbuck's mind.  I saw them tonight before the dinner I didn't go to.  
She was giggling up a storm with Biehn and wasn't even aware it was 
Starbuck who wasn't letting her go.  She and Biehn always seemed flirty 
together.  No, she told me she wasn't going to interfere in our 
relationship and I still believe her.  She's not the reason I didn't go 
to dinner tonight.

It was everything else that happened.  Truthfully, Starbuck and I 
haven't been intimate in over a secton.  He seemed busy and so was I, 
so I didn't think too much of it.  Not until tonight.  We both had 
plenty of time before dinner for a little, um, fun.  I knew it.  He 
knew it.  Looking back, I didn't give the poor man a chance.

The lights in my quarters were dimmed when he walked in.  And I was 
waiting.  Naked.  It had been so long I knew I wouldn't have had the 
patience for lingerie.  He walked in looking all serious and I thought 
I knew just what to do to relax him.  

I walked over to him and plastered myself against him and began to kiss 
him.  He pushed me away! Seriously.  Not that I was deterred.  Before 
he could get a word in my hand was down his pants and opening them up.  
To give him credit, he tried to stop me.  Now that I think about it 
again, he sounded pretty upset as he called my name and asked me to 
slow down and listen to him.  But, like I said, it had been a while.  I 
couldn't be stopped.

I took him in my hand and, well, nothing happened.  Other than a 
furious flush on both of our faces when it became clear that he wasn't 
aroused by my performance.  Needless to say I was pretty upset at the 
time.  Instead of staying to talk to him I gathered a robe and ran to 
get showered and dressed.  By the time I got back, which I planned, it 
was time to leave for dinner.

That was when I figured it all out.  I was talking with Apollo when all 
of a sudden we heard giggles, laughs and an "oof."  That last one was 
Starbuck who found himself with a handful of Athena against his body.  
I wasn't upset about that, it was an accident.  What upset me was that 
Starbuck seemed hesitant to let her go.  What hit me between the eyes 
was that when he did he was very obviously aroused. And it wasn't just 
the erection that I saw straining his pants that clued me in, it was 
the flushed and glassy look on his face.  A look _I_ had never seen.
Before I knew it I was walking away.  

A few centons later Starbuck showed up at my door and told me he wanted 
to talk.  Well he told me that after I smacked him across the face.  
Men aren't the only gender with pride.  Obviously, at that point, I was 
too upset and needed to think so I told him to go to dinner and we'll 
talk later. He refused.  And it all came out.  In all its gory detail.

His guilt for hurting me. The fact that he did care about me a great 
deal.  But that he loved Athena and had only realized it a few days 
ago.  That he didn't know if she loved him or would even trust him 
again.  Then he poured out the story about his proposal and her 
rejection of him.  Then his rejection of her. He swore up and down that 
he never lied to me about anything or anyone.  How sorry he was.  

I guess it was a relief that I didn't make him wait until after dinner.  
For both of us.  Or all three of us if what I think will happen 
happens.  Like I said, I don't know if Athena loves him, but she'd be a 
damn fool not to.  After all, I do.

END