Title: Thoughts
Author: Athena13 (athena13@geocities.com)
Rating: PG
Classification: A
Summary: A warrior's thoughts

Disclaimer: These works are fiction stories based on the series 
Battlestar Galactica and its characters created and owned by Glen A. 
Larson. These stories are not being sold for profit and no infringement 
of any copyright rights are intended. All unrecognized characters and 
plot lines are mine and copyright protection is claimed. Any                
resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

Dedication: OAD!!
~~~~~~
She told me she loved me.  I told her I loved her back.  And I do, it's 
not a lie.  She was there when I needed someone, someone not connected 
with all of my losses, someone who didn't need my comfort.  Someone I 
could lose myself in.  And I did.  Lose myself that is.

I know I'm not alone in this.  There are thousands of us "survivors" 
out here doing what we can to deal with what has happened.  Our world 
was destroyed for God's sake.  For me, dealing has always been 
avoiding.  Pretending everything was all right with just a smile and a 
jaunty pull on a fumarillo. Not sure whom I thought I was fooling.  Or 
maybe I'm just sure of who I wasn't.

Cassi, though, she didn't ask me for much in the beginning.  Not even a 
commitment.  That I could handle.  I made my point more than once that 
I wasn't the type to settle down.  I dated others and told her about it.  
But lately, the cracks in the armor are getting so obvious I know she's 
seen them.  

First there was my impulsive reactions when I thought I'd found my 
father.  I was ready to stop being a warrior so I could be a family 
with him?!  Then there was my arrest.  Can't forget my reunion with 
Aurora.  And Cassi was by my side for it all.  Patiently waiting for me 
to come around, providing me the support I need and accepting me no 
matter what. Or so I thought.

Maybe she changed and I didn't?  Maybe we both changed.  I don't 
pretend to understand what's happened to me.  I can feel it and see it, 
I'm not sure of the cause.  Maybe it was the unflagging support Cassi 
freely gave me until the last mission.  It was then that she let 
herself go and really told me how she felt.  Not that she loved me, 
that she's said before, but her concerns about my going on these 
missions and maybe not coming back.  And then it hit me.  Actually, a 
lot of things did.

Cassi wasn't as free-spirited and unconcerned as I had thought.  I knew 
she cared about me.  We were good friends.  When she told me she loved 
me I didn't really understand just how deeply she meant.  Good friends 
and lovers, yeah.  It was the tears that woke me up to just what I was 
getting into here.  Her words, however, were what woke me up and showed 
me how I got here.

Almost a yahren ago I asked a woman to commit to me.  I couldn't say 
the word, but Sealing was on my mind.  We had all suffered a great loss 
and I wanted to hang onto what I had left with all my might.  She told 
me she couldn't because I would just end of getting killed. Sort of 
what Cassi told me in the launch bay before I went on the mission with 
Apollo to the baseship.  That's what made the connection for me.

Athena. Lords. She was so young when we started dating.  I don't mean 
just in years, but I mean at heart.  Being with her was like being on-
planet with fresh breezes, sunshine and flowers.  She didn't hold 
anything back, well almost.  She said what she felt and she did things 
impulsively.  I got steam burns once to prove it.  Somehow, without 
trying, I became enthralled with her.

I had known her for yahrens, she was my best friend and wingmate's 
little sister.  I had practically been a member of their family 
forever.  I'd always known she had a crush on me.  But it didn't mean 
anything, lots of girls had crushes on their big brother's friends - or 
so I've been told.  I don't have my own blood family, so those sorts of 
things I have to take on faith.  It wasn't like I was going to do 
anything about it, she was just a kid.  Until she graduated from the 
Academy and came to the G.

I was just about bowled over when she came walking off the shuttle.  
Apollo noticed, he elbowed me in the ribs and gave me a glare.  I gave 
him a smart-ass grin and ignored him.  Still, she was his baby sister, 
it wasn't like I was going to dare make a move anyway.  Turns out I 
didn't have to.  She made the move on me.

Now don't get me wrong, Athena has a lot of self-respect and she's a 
smart woman, she didn't jump me in the hallways or anything. Not that I 
would have minded.  We never even slept together, truth be told.  She 
just turned to me one cycle and asked me if I was interested in going 
on a date with her.  My mind said no, but my damn mouth said yes.  And 
that was that.

We had been dating, non-exclusively, for sectars when the Destruction 
happened.  And my third thought, after "I'm going to kill Adama for 
leaving us behind" and "Lords of Kobol spare us," was her.  I know I 
didn't show it very well, at all actually, but I was so worried about 
her and grateful she was okay.  Did I ask how she was handling Zac's 
death or the death of her mother?  Did I ask how she felt sitting on 
the Bridge and watching everything go up in flames?  No. It wasn't that 
Athena and I didn't have deep emotional conversations like that, 
because we did.  She was one of the few people with whom I could.  But 
just not then. _I_ didn't want to talk about it myself.  So instead I 
asked her for a commitment.  I thought that would say it all for her.

Understandably, she pushed me away.  So I left.  Not just the locker 
room, but her and our relationship.  I was cold to her, but I was also 
hot - with anger.  I used Cassi to hurt her.  I ditched her one night 
and took Cassi to a launch tube, where I knew Athena could find us if 
she wanted. I flaunted Cassi in her face.  I took her to "family" 
dinners, daring her to say anything in front of her family and our 
friends.  The best, or the worst, thing I did was still ask her out on 
dates from time to time.  I truly think I was trying to get over my 
hurt and get things back on track with her, but I was so afraid of 
being hurt by her again.  And I hurt her.

After a while I got tired of playing around.  Yeah, me.  I got tired of 
dating everyone in sight and playing fast and loose with the women.  It 
really was a no-brainer now that I look back.  I wasn't searching for 
anything and I certainly wasn't finding comfort in anyone else.  Cassi 
gave me everything I needed.  A haven, a comforting shoulder, a friend 
and, well, good sex.  I mean she used to be a professional.  I don't 
mean that in a derogatory way, really.  I'm just trying to explain how 
I fooled myself for so long.

About what did I fool myself you're probably asking by now.  Good 
question.  This is the hard part, admitting it. I think I'm still more 
comfortable with the unstructured ramblings and rationalization.  
Because once I admit it I'm going to have to face up to a lot of 
damage.  Fine, I'll just say it.  I love Athena.  Done. Said it. But 
what now?

I mean, who's hurt in this scenario?  First and foremost is Cassi.  I 
think she's really come to care for me, to love me.  She says she does, 
although I'm not too sure she's really happy with me.  Which of course 
could be due to the fact that I love someone else, but I think is just 
because we aren't compatible.  Partly because we're so alike and partly 
because we just want different things out of our daily lives.  It 
really doesn't matter why I guess, I've still got to hurt her.

Oh, did that surprise you?  Yeah, I know I have to break things off 
with her.  It's been too long already that I've let this go on.  I've 
used her, unintentionally, but still the fact remains.

Then there's Athena.  I don't know if she still has romantic feelings 
for me.  It's been hard enough for us to rebuild a friendship after 
everything I've done to her.  And even if she does still love me, why 
would she want me back?  I'm not being modest.  I walked away from her 
just when she needed me most.  I walked into the arms of another woman 
when I should have been proving to her that I would be around and she 
could rely on me.  Why should she trust me?

Then there's Apollo.  He never mentioned it, but I know he was angry 
with me when I hurt his sister.  I mean, really pissed.  But we had 
agreed never to let my relationship with Athena come between us so he 
held his tongue, and assigned me some really bad duties.  And it's not 
like it was a one shot hurt; it was over the course of sectars.  Now, 
he just might punch me when I tell him I want her back.

Then there's Adama.  He's the woman's father, he seemed to roll with 
the punches and let the children do what they will, but I'm sure he 
won't be thrilled when I put myself back into the picture. Or try to.

Sheba probably won't be happy with me either.  She and Cassi have long 
ago patched up their differences and become good friends.  Plus, she 
has feelings for Apollo and views Athena like a sister.  She's just not 
going pleased with me for hurting her friends.

But ya know what?  It doesn't really matter.  I love Athena and I'll do 
what I have to be with her. I'll make it up to Cassi and I'll prove 
myself to her father and brother and friends.  Most of all, I'll prove 
myself to the woman I love.

END
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