Reflections of Times Gone By...
By Rae
Originally scribbled October 31, 1999
Updated February 21, 2005


     "Dad?"  A familiar feminine voice posed the question in a hushed
whisper into the darkness of the room. "Are you in here?"
     The familiar voice stirred the elderly man out of his peaceful
slumber as he awoke with a start to come to grips, not with the darkness
of the room of his dream, but the brightness of the midday sunlight, even
though two large shade trees sheltered him.  It took the man a few
minutes for him to get his bearings as he looked around the tranquil
scene before him in surprise and some hope, which quickly faded to
disappointment.  Nothing was different than it was before he took his
nap.  The only difference was that the sun had moved further across the
clear blue mountain sky.  His golden retriever, Explorer laid curled up
quietly at his feet as the hammock gently swayed back and forth, her eyes
closed as she slept on, blissfully unaware that her master had awakened. 

     The elderly man slowly relaxed as he laid his head back down in his
hammock, being lulled by the gentle movement of it swinging back and
forth as he waited, listening for the voice to call out to him again, but
sadly it did not.  Ah, it was just too good to be true in as much as he
wished that his oldest daughter would appear at his home, but regretfully
he knew that she would not.  Her life had taken a different path from the
one that he thought even hoped she would take, but in the end, she was
busy fulfilling her destiny according to her rules.  But in the end, it
was still a different destiny than the one he had envisioned for her when
his little miracle was born.  
     He should have known better than to expect her, or any of his
children for that matter, to follow his dreams, his visions for them.  A
wise man had once told him that a person could only live the life that
they controlled, not the lives of others.  No matter how much they wanted
that person to not make the same mistakes they had in the past, it was
inevitable.  The man closed his eyes and smiled wistfully to himself as
he smiled at the memory of that wise man that he admired and cherished. 
That wise man should know what he was talking about for he made the same
wish for his own children and look how they turned out.  It was out of
unforeseeable circumstance that all of their lives had changed.
     It was in an instant that everything had changed in more lives than
just his - the future that he had envisioned was gone with the resounding
sound of explosions that destroyed all that he knew and loved.  He was
touched even more because he was out there in the tick of everything,
living up to his vow to guard, protect and cherish the home that he
loved.  Fighting the dreaded enemy of man and living to fight another day
while many of his comrades did not.  There was just so, so many. 
Students that he had trained, casual acquaintances, friends and then,
very close friends that he loved as though they were members of his own
family.  
     The man tried to clear his thoughts of the memories that were
pushing at the wall he had built in his mind over the years.  A wall of
self-protection.  A wall of self-preservation.  If he left the memories
escape from the barrier he had put them behind so many years ago, he
would have never made it to now.  He would have never been able to live
with himself and his past mistakes - the mistakes that caused him to lose
those that were nearest and dearest to him.  The mistakes that caused the
loss of life for many, the mistakes that caused him the loss of love and
respect of a few that were important to him, including the loss of
respect from his own children.
     But he had reached his dream - no, not his dream to begin with, but
it ended up to be his dream in the end.  He had fought and survived to
reach this point, a point that he never thought in his younger days that
he would ever reach.  He was too wild, too unpredictable, too foolhardy
back then, even though he exuded a confidence that bordered on sheer
cockiness.  Flashing a confident smile, depending on lady luck and his
charm to see him through any situation, touting his impressive skills to
everyone within earshot, and proving without a doubt that what he boasted
about was true every time he entered a cockpit.  He was one of the best,
accolades from many.
     But in truth, he was a vulnerable man.  His desire to belong
somewhere was always there in the back of his mind.  When he was a boy,
he had desperately hoped that his parents would magically appear one day
to take him to a home he could call his own, to a room that was his and
his alone.  He didn't have to share his room with no one for it would be
his sanctuary, his alone, with no one clamoring for space or for a place
to sleep.  No one to tell him that he was nothing but a charity case, no
one to cut him down and make him feel as though he was lost and forgotten
by his own parents.  He had bore the brunt of the cutting retorts of
children over the years.  The hurtful comments that they knew were cruel,
but he had learned after so long, how to push those comments away, making
it seem as though he did not care about the words they spoke to him,
about the comments.  It was that moment he found that suddenly, the
children who had taunted him would turn and walk away for he did not show
them any anger, any animosity towards them.  He did not fight back, at
least not in the way that they wanted.  He had turned the tide and at
that moment discovered a way to draw people to him.  He found that in the
wake of the children who taunted him, made his life miserable, that there
were others who wanted to be seen with him, wanted to be his friend.  He
made them laugh, he made their lives exciting.  He found that he was
daring, imaginative and forthright.  He found a part of him that drew
others to him and that the hurt child that he was in the past could hide
behind and feel safe.  
     But he still wished for his parents, a family to call his own and a
life that he could live just like all the other children.  Never had he
been able to have a pet, never had he known the security of a family,
never had he known the stability of a home to come back to when he
entered the academy.  But...maybe, if the fates had played him a
different hand, would he have known and been a part of the lives of the
people that he had loved in his life?  Would he have made the friends
that he had over the course of his existence?  Would he have become a
warrior and fought for the colonies with the drive and determination that
he had?  Would he have chosen another profession?  
     The man felt the wall crumbling around the memories that he had put
away so gently, so carefully.  The memories that he treasured more than
anything else besides the people in them and his children.  He felt the
tears start to form in his blue eyes, not bothering to reach up and brush
away the lone tear that escaped, making its way down his weathered cheek. 
He could see it all as if it were yesterday.  Caprica.  His home.  And he
could hear people calling him a name that he had not been called for
years...no, yahrens.  Starbuck.
     <"Hi, my name is Starbuck."  the blond haired youth said brightly as
he looked at the other boy sitting across the table from him.  
     The boy raised his green eyes to meet Starbucks and said shyly, "I'm
Apollo.">
     Starbuck couldn't phantom what drew him to the boy whose bloodline
ran so strongly though Caprican history.  Whose family was considered one
of the most influential on the planet.  A boy, who had grown up never
knowing hunger, coldness, or rejection, but in truth, Starbuck had
discovered the hard way that there were different types of rejection. 
Different types of indifference.  He had always desired to belong to a
family, people that would love him no matter what; who he had a
connection to, a past.  A bonus would be if it was one with power,
influence and money, but throughout the course of his friendship with
Apollo, he had discovered that even his best friend suffered at the hands
of others - others who coveted what he had and wanted it for themselves. 
It was prejudice in its worse form.  Envy.
      Starbuck found himself many times over the yahrens defending the
closeness of his relationship with Apollo, especially with others who
could not understand why Apollo would choose Starbuck, a nameless orphan
with no connections to them. .  Many felt that he used his position with
Apollo as the yahrens passed, at the Academy back on Caprica, on the
Galactica when Apollo became Captain of the squadrons, then after the
holocaust as Apollo rose through the ranks, eventually becoming Commander
of the Galactica and the fleet.
     <"Well, if it isn't the new Captain,"  Boomer chimed brightly as
Apollo walked across the Galactica's flight deck towards the two waiting
men.  "Now that Apollo's a Captain, how do you think we have to act
around him now, Starbuck?"
     Starbuck leaned back against his viper smiling at Apollo's obvious
discomfort, "I'm not sure, Boomer.  We're just lowly lieutenants.  Now
Apollo is a captain, and not just any captain, but Captain of the
Squadrons."  Starbuck smiled even broader as he watched that familiar
look of annoyance come over Apollo's face.
     "Don't even go there, you two. I just got the word and I'm not sure
if I like this promotion myself."  Apollo placed his hands on his hips as
he looked at his two friends.  "Have you had your fun?  Are you both
finished?" Starbuck knew that Apollo deserved this promotion, but
couldn't help feel a little remorseful.  Now his friend was his commander
and Starbuck had secretly worried about how this would affect their
friendship. 
     Starbuck looked at Boomer, who returned the look, and then they both
turned to face their friend, their voices replying in unison, "No."
     Starbuck knew without a doubt in his mind that the change of rank
would change the three men's relationship very little when Apollo rolled
his eyes and over-dramatically threw his hands up in the air, turning and
walking away.  Boomer started laughing heartily as he grabbed their
friend's arm as Starbuck laughingly reached out and grabbed the other,
placing Apollo between them.
     "But, I think our hurt feelings would be made to feel better if the
new captain treated his best friends to a drink in the officer's club. 
How does that sound to you, Boom-Boom?"
     "Sounds fair and reasonable to me."
     Apollo just shook his head laughing at his friends as he let them
lead him to the Officer's Club.>
     Starbuck smiled to himself, his face showing the energy and vibrancy
it once had in his youth, his blue eyes sparkling with mirth at the
memories that came forth.  His mind drifted back to the day of the
military ceremony that officially promoted Apollo to his Captaincy.  The
rank was something that Starbuck and Boomer had expected Apollo to
achieve in a short time and he had.  One of the youngest Captains in
colonial history, but his rise in rank thankfully did not change the man
that they both knew.  In fact, on the night before the ceremony marking
his promotion, Starbuck was still able to take his all-too-serious friend
out on the town and get him rip-roaring drunk at one of the chanceries in
Tommica, a city on the far side of Caprica.   
     Boomer and Starbuck would have laughed out loud if they had not been
in so much pain themselves, watching Apollo stand there stiffly on the
podium, wishing fervently that he could sit...no, lie down and curl
up somewhere all alone in the quiet darkness.  Starbuck had glanced over
at Apollo's parents in the crowd, knowing fully that both of them were
wondering why Apollo was looking so green, although Starbuck suspected
the Siress Ila knew exactly what was wrong with her son and his friends. 
All three suffered in silence at the celebratory reception at the
Commander's home, where all three men thought they were going to die from
the sights and smells of the food that was being served.  Athena had just
shook her head and secretly fed the men remedies for their hangovers and
Zac thought the sight of three hung over men, one being his uptight older
brother was a sight to behold.  Zac did not let them totally live that
event down.
     Zac.  The memories of the young man he loved as though he was his
own younger brother flooded his mind.  Starbuck could still see his
youthful face looked at him over the yahrens - in the beginning, as a
small boy of nine yahrens.  His dark hair, so like his older siblings and
his blue eyes, so like his sister's, but where Apollo and Athena were
almost by the book, Zac was adventurous, daring, willing to take risk and
be damn the consequences.  In fact, Apollo at one time had comment about
how much his younger brother was like Starbuck, who had to admit to
himself that he had a soft spot for the younger man.  Starbuck even
worried about Zac, probably in the same way that Apollo would worry over
Starbuck, but the blonde man felt that Zac was more extreme than
Starbuck, more open to take the dangerous risks that Starbuck would think
twice about.
     Starbuck had taken Zac on his first night out on the town.  Starbuck
knew that Zac admired his brother's adventurous friend, even told stories
to his classmates about the adventure of his brother and Starbuck,
relishing on the attention he would receive from his peers.  More often
than not, Zac would also tell about Starbuck's romantic adventures,
building it up to be more than it actually was in Starbuck's estimation. 
So when Zac became of legal age to drink and make merry, Starbuck, who
was on Caprica on leave, took Zac out on the town, showing him the sights
and sounds of a warrior's nightlife.
     Starbuck had thought that he had the evening under his total
control, but somewhere along the line, he had lost control of the night
and Zac, who had up and disappeared with some nameless blonde woman they
had met at a chancery.  Starbuck had searched frantically for the younger
man, all the time envisioning as he searched just how insignificant his
life would be when Apollo found out that Starbuck had lost his younger
brother.  The dark haired captain would nail Starbuck's hide to the side
of a viper then launch him down the tube for good measure.  Apollo had
even warned Starbuck when this cavalier friend had brought up the night
out to keep his eye on Zac.  Make sure that he kept out of trouble. 
Starbuck didn't even want to think about what the Commander would have
done to Starbuck if he had found out.  
     Lady luck had stayed with Starbuck that night for he found Zac, no
worse for his experience, totally drunk on Ambrian whiskey with a lady on
each arm, almost unable to stand without falling flat on his face.  When
the younger man had been killed, Starbuck had felt that a piece of
himself had died with Zac, but Starbuck was also very proud of the young
man, his 'younger brother', had become.  He had died with honor, trying
to help save the fleet and the colonies from destruction.  That fact
lessened the pain just a bit, but not much.  He still missed Zac to this
day, even after everything Starbuck had been through.
     Another face replaced Zac in Starbuck's memories.  Athena. 
Beautiful, bewitching Athena.  A young woman that at one time Starbuck
felt that he had truly loved, but he had come to realize that they were
not meant to be.  Starbuck had been mesmerized by the beautiful young
girl that he had been introduced to that first time he visited Apollo's
home outside Caprica City.  Her crystal clear blue eyes and all that
beautiful dark hair, Starbuck had felt himself become lost, but she was
too young for him and he knew that.  Too inexperienced in the ways of men
and women, Athena was a woman to be prized, loved and adored by one 
man, and Starbuck knew that he was definitely not that one man. 
     In the end, that man had turned out to be Boomer.  Starbuck had
wondered when those feelings had developed between them, but decided in
the end that Athena was better off with Boomer than any other man in the
fleet.  He knew Boomer to be honest, sincere and very trustworthy. 
Starbuck had never seen two people as happy as Athena and Boomer when
they had sealed, maybe with the exception of Apollo and Sheba.  Starbuck
had been blessed with being the godfather to Boomer and Athena's first
child, Nadia.  Starbuck felt his heart constrict at the thought of his
precious goddaughter, one of the lights of his life.  He wondered how
life had treated her here on this planet.  Was she happy?  Had she found
everything that she was looking for?  
     Nadia and her brother and sister had been so devastated when Athena
had died.  It had been a senseless death in Starbuck's eyes - to have
traveled so far and endured so much only to die in a freak accident after
arriving here on this planet.  They had not been here but four years. 
Boomer was leaving the colonial service to fulfill his role in a civilian
capacity, to help their people make a life for themselves here amongst
their brethren.  He had been instrumental in setting up the first colony
for their people, purchasing the land in a remote part of Washington
state, organizing the 6,000 selected colonists in starting their new
home, adjusting to their new world.  His outpost had been the blueprint
for the others that were created for their people, away from the
inhabitants of Earth, whom it was decided were not ready to be told the
truth about their origins.  In the end, the inhabitants of Earth would
have to be protected from their Colonial brethren until the colonials
were integrated into Earth's society, primitive by the colonial standard.
     Starbuck felt sadness wash over him as he remembered that tragic
night.  Athena and Lilith, Boomer and Athena's younger daughter, were out
walking in a meadow not that far from their home.  Teenagers from Earth,
not caring about their actions or who they hurt were driving what the
people here called cars through the meadow.  Not on a road where the
blasted machine belonged, but through a field of flowers and animals.  A
tranquil place.  Driving without headlights, drunk and uncaring, the boys
had hit Athena with their car, leaving her for dead.  Starbuck could
still remember Lilith's screams for her father, her uncles, her brother. 
High pitched screams of terror that had chilled Starbuck to the bone when
he had heard them, his blood running cold.  
     Cassie had tried to save Athena, but the damage was too severe. 
Cassie had fought death with everything she knew, with all the knowledge
that she had gleaned from her mentor and teacher, Dr. Salik, but in the
end Athena had died, before an emergency shuttle could arrive from the
Galactica.  Before advanced medical technology could be used to save her
life.  Apollo had been devastated, but tried to be strong for his
sister's children, Nadia, Trevor and Lilith.  Little Lilith had been
hardest hit, only 14 yahrens and so close to her
mother, she was Athena's child, her mother's daughter.  Their
relationship had been so close.  Lilith retreated into her own shell,
never to emerge again.  The normally happy, laughing girl had turned into
a very quiet somber young lady. 
     Nadia, the oldest, had been almost 20 yahrens at the time, studying
to become a doctor, so she had handled her mother's death a bit easier. 
Trevor had been inconsolable, wanting to go out and search for those who
had killed his mother.  Murderers was what he called them, his anger
there for all to see.  Boomer had tried talking sense into his headstrong
17-yahren old son, but to no avail.   In the end though, Trevor had seen
the light, had seen his father and uncle's wisdom, but only after he had
tracked down the teenagers that had killed his mother.
     As he stood there, beating senseless one who had grown from a
frightened teenager into a troubled young man, Trevor had seen what he
was doing, where his anger and thirst for revenge had taken him.  Away
from his father, his sisters and away from his home.  He had also seen
the guilt that the young man had lived with since that night, the
remorse.  Trevor had come to his senses hearing the young man's pleas for
Trevor to punish him, take his life, end his own pain and suffering. 
Take the memories of that night away. 
     Starbuck had wanted to kill that man himself with his bare hands,
but he knew in his mind and heart that satisfying his thirst for revenge
would not bring Athena back, nor would it change anything else that had
happened as a result of it.  Life would go on and they would all have to
deal with the loss of Athena.  Starbuck silently felt Athena's loss,
probably more profoundly than he felt Boomer did.  Athena had been
Starbuck's friend in the end and they had shared a closer bond than they
had ever shared in their lives, even when they were seeing each other
back on Caprica.  Athena had became a close confidant for Starbuck, a
person that he could lean on when Apollo was not available to hear his
friend's problems.  Athena had been there when Starbuck and Cassie had
finally sealed, produced four children and then after ten yahrens of
marriage dissolved their sealing.   
     Athena had turned out to be a true friend, just as her bother had
been to Starbuck all those yahrens.  She had become a younger 'sister' to
Starbuck, one whose memory he would cherish for the rest of his life. 
Athena had been instrumental in keeping Starbuck and Cassie on friendly
terms, not just for themselves, but for their children.  She was 'Aunt
Athena' to all four of their children and godmother to Atrya, Starbuck
and Cassie's oldest.  They had been through a lot together, but Athena
had finally found happiness with a man who Starbuck trusted as much as he
trusted Apollo.  
     Boomer had not been the same since his wife's death, immersing
himself in his work to the point that Starbuck was lucky if he heard from
his old friend once a year.  Starbuck heard from Nadia, Trevor and Lilith
more than he heard from Boomer.  In as much as Starbuck worried about
Boomer's health, which had been declining the past two years, Nadia made
sure that her father ate properly and spent time away from work with his
grandchildren.  There was again a Zac, Athena and also an Apollo.
     Starbuck's heart almost stopped as he thought of his oldest friend.
A man he willingly and gratefully called his 'brother.'  Apollo.  It had
been a long time since he thought of Apollo.  Too long if the truth be
known, but Starbuck could not afford to think of his best friend more
often, could not afford to remember him for with the memories came the
realization that Starbuck had failed his friend in the end.  Failed him
and the consequences of that failure were ones that Starbuck could not
stand to remember.  In the end, Starbuck had watched Apollo die, along
with Sheba and had not been able to do anything to save his friends.  In
the end, Starbuck had put his own selfishness before his friend's needs
and paid a high price.   
     Starbuck had always been there with Apollo, at his side no matter
what came at them.  On the craziest of missions, where their deaths were
all but assured, they both survived.  Even the Commander realized early
on that if he wanted Apollo or Starbuck to come back to him alive, he
sent the both out together with Boomer along as added insurance, more
often than not.  No matter what the risk, no matter what the odds, they
returned from a mission together, sometimes injured beyond anyone's
imagination, but alive.  They fought, fussed and quibbled, like any
friend or sibling, but they never stayed mad at each other long.  There
were time when Starbuck gave Apollo plenty of reason to wash his hands of
Starbuck, but he never did.  Starbuck could go places with Apollo that
not even his father dared to tread.  
     Starbuck forced himself to look back at the happy times with his
friends. The day that Apollo finally realized how much he loved Sheba. 
Starbuck knew that before Apollo did, but sometimes his very bright
friend was very dense, but that was probably the pinnacle of his
denseness.  The only one that didn't know about Apollo's feelings for
Sheba was the man in question himself.   There were times when Starbuck
just wanted to smash Apollo over the head with a heavy object, thinking
maybe that would bring him to his senses, but in the end, the wily
lieutenant just let time take its course.  Of course Apollo pushed
Starbuck's patience, but in the end he saw the light with minimal
violence, only a ship had to blow up and nearly kill them all.
     The course of Apollo and Sheba's relationship was never smooth. 
Sheba was just as strong willed as Apollo, but to everyone's relief, they
never stayed mad at each other long if they disagreed.  Alexandra use to
just shake her head at her parents and say there were three things that
you could be sure of: the Cylons were always lurking out there somewhere,
the fleet would maintain its course given to them by the ship of lights,
and her parents would agree to disagree about everything, and that was
the simple truth of the matter.  Starbuck remembered their sealing day,
how Apollo just wanted to elope and get the whole show over with, but
Sheba practically glued Apollo's feet to the floor because she wanted the
ceremony she dreamed of as a young girl.  Only difference was that her
father was not there to give her to Apollo and in the end, Apollo
survived the ceremony reasonably unscathed.  
     Starbuck started to laugh bitter-sweetly as he remembered the day
that Sheba found out that she was expecting their first child.  Starbuck
had gleaned the fact that Sheba was expecting and her happy reaction from
Cassie but the rest of the news Starbuck got from the overly excited,
rambling man that practically knocked him down in the corridor of the
Galactica.  Apollo had ran into his friend full tilt, almost knocking
both of them to the floor, then Apollo just babbled about illness, Sheba,
and more about an illness.  Starbuck finally was able to get his friend
calmed down with the help of a whole bottle of vintage ambrosia and found
out the true nature of Sheba's 'illness'. 
     When Alexandra finally came into the world, the dark haired baby
girl immediately became the light of Apollo's life.  Even though Boxey
was still his son and his first child who he loved without question,
there was something about that tiny little life that had enchanted Apollo
from the moment he held her in his hands after her birth.  Apollo and
Sheba went out of their way to reassure Boxey of how much they loved him
and of his place in the family, but in the end Boxey was just as
enchanted with Alexandra as everyone else was.  As for Apollo, Starbuck
knew that his friend now had something that he wanted with all his heart. 
A daughter.  A little girl.  Starbuck had always called her his little
angel, but an angel she was definitely not.  Dark hair and clear green
eyes like her father, slender and delicate like her mother, that angelic
looking little girl could run rings around both of her parents, her
brother, her grandfather and her assorted aunts and uncles.  
     Starbuck remembered a time when he had just about fainted dead away
when his angel had defiantly stood up to a Borillian Nomen and told him
in a not-too-pleased voice that he was not a very nice man, no, not at
all.  Starbuck had been ready to blast the nomen to dust if he so much as
made a move towards Alexandra, but surprisingly, the Leader of the Nomen
just stood there, staring for a few microns at the angry face of the five
yahren old girl...and laughed.  Starbuck had just stood there; downright
shocked for he had NEVER seen a Nomen laugh before and it was definitely
a strange thing to see.  Boomer and Jolly had rushed through the door,
weapons drawn, with Apollo, Adama and Sheba right behind them,  All five
had known that Starbuck had taken Alexandra to the bazaar on the Tamical
to purchase her a treat, but little did any of them know that the Nomen
were there on a blood hunt.  
     Adama use to tell Starbuck that something good usually came out of
most bad situations and Starbuck was given a reason to believe the
Commander's words that day.  The Leader of the Nomen had been so
impressed with the tiny little girl, that he had done something
unprecedented by beginning negotiations with Adama regarding the status
of the Nomen amongst the fleet survivors as long as little Alexandra was
there.  Her staunchest and most loyal protectors, besides the full
warrior contingent on the Galactica, turned out to be the Nomen, who had
taken her into their tribe.  When the fleet finally reached Earth, it was
Alexandra who made sure that the Nomen were given a settlement in the
desert, where they were happiest and made sure that their needs were
taken care of.   Apollo had been amazed at his oldest daughter's ability
to stand up to the most formidable foe and not flinch.  Starbuck knew
that particular trait of hers had been partially responsible for turning
Starbuck's blond hair to gray, and he guessed that the same was true for
Apollo.  
     But Apollo also had four more children to contend with, six children
in all.  The youngest, identical twin girls, had came to Starbuck's home
to see Starbuck several months previous, checking on him and making sure
all was well.  Where Starbuck blamed himself for Apollo and Sheba's
deaths, their children did not, and would not let their beloved Uncle
Starbuck too far out of their sight.  Cliona, the youngest of the twins,
came to see her uncle every couple of weeks, making sure his home was
clean, his laundry was done and there was plenty of food in his pantry. 
Starbuck's own children didn't come that often, but there was that
attachment of Starbuck to Apollo's children that seemed to be stronger
than his ties to his own.  
     But there was a good reason for that.  Even though Starbuck did not
agree with his children's take on the situation, he tried his best to see
their point of view.  He knew full well what was the dividing wedge
between himself and his children - the fact that they blamed him for the
ending of the sealing between him and their mother, and the consequences
of that ending.  Starbuck was willing to take the blame for part of the
downfall of their marriage, but he was not willing to take the brunt of
the blame.  No, that had to be shared with Cassie, for Starbuck was not
the one who broke their vows, it was Cassie.   
     Starbuck closed his eyes as if to avoid the painful memories those
thoughts of Cassie stirred within him.  He had many regrets in his life,
things that he had done that he wished he could change or even wipe out
all together, but the downfall of his relationship with Cassiopeia was
one of the bitterest of memories for him.  There were times he would rant
and rave about what had went wrong with their relationship, but then he
would remember the good times, and there were so many good memories,
especially in the early years of their marriage.  There were times of
reflection where Starbuck wondered what went wrong?  What could he have
done to change the outcome?  As Adama had counseled him many times over
the yahrens, there were just some things in life where no matter how much
you try to figure out what you could have changed or what you could have
done differently, there is really no way to change things.  
     Starbuck was willing to admit that he had been preoccupied with his
duty to the fleet, his loyalty to Adama, Tigh and Apollo, but it was
Cassie who changed the rules for it was Cassie whom Starbuck caught in
another man's arms.  It was Cassie who had broken Starbuck's heart and
made him feel totally betrayed.  One thing that his children did not even
stop to consider was how quickly their mother had remarried.  Apollo had
stood there beside Starbuck, consoling his friend when the news came to
them that Cassie had remarried several sectars after the dissolving of
their sealing was final.  It was Apollo and Boomer who helped Starbuck
deal with the fact that Cassie's new husband didn't really want Starbuck
around his wife and her children, as Kamber put it.  As far as Kamber was
concerned, they were not Starbuck's children, but Cassie's children.
     In as much as Starbuck wanted to forget, he couldn't, for he could
still feel the shock that he had felt then when he was served with the
papers from the Colonial Family Court.  Cassie's new husband claimed that
Starbuck was an unfit parent and Kamber wanted to adopt Starbuck's
children as his own.  Apollo, Sheba, Boomer, Athena, the Commander, all
of his extended family had stood by him.  Sheba had even tried her best
to talk to Cassie but with little to no success.  The woman that Starbuck
had lost his heart to, had changed dramatically since she had became
involved with Kamber and to Starbuck, that was the saddest cut of all. 
The intelligent, compassionate woman that Starbuck had loved for so long
had turned into someone that Starbuck never even knew and that loss was
difficult for Starbuck to accept.
     Besides the changes that Kamber's influence created in Cassie,
Starbuck's greatest animosity towards Kamber was for the damage he had
done to Starbuck's children emotionally.  When Starbuck finally won the
right to see his children, he had been shocked as to how his once loving
children had treated him.  They had been so cold to him, indifferent. 
Only Atrya, his oldest, managed to smile at her father, to hang back when
the others had walked away, whispering to her father, 'I love you, Daddy. 
Don't forget that.'   
     As the yahrens went by, Starbuck had continued to have a strained
relationship with his three younger children, until one day, a surprise
awaited him as he went down to his viper to fill out his maintenance
paperwork.  Sitting by his viper was Atrya and with her was her brother
Niall.  Atrya being there did not surprise Starbuck, for she had been the
one who had always stood by her father, came to him to visit when she
could, kept him informed about her other siblings.  She staunchly stood
by her father and believed in him when there were times Starbuck didn't
believe in his own self.  Atrya shared Starbuck's dislike for Kamber, but
she knew that her mother was blind to Kamber's true self and that her
brothers and sister were too young and impressionable to ignore what
Kamber said to them about their father.
     But that Atrya was there with her brother did set Starbuck back a
bit.  Niall was a stubborn 13 yahren old at that time, his face set in a
determined frown, anger written clearly in his blue eyes.  Starbuck tried
to remember Boxey at that age, the anger that his nephew had felt towards
Apollo and Sheba at that time, the reasons for it and how it was handled. 
How the angry and confused boy had done his worst to Apollo and Sheba,
parted them for a time, but in the end, realized how much he loved his
adoptive father and the woman whom Boxey would come to love as a mother
in the end.  
     Looking at Niall at that micron in time, he had seen that same anger
and the same confusion on the face of his son.  On closer look, Starbuck
could see the hurt and sadness behind the anger and it made Starbuck even
more determined to stand by his children, no matter what.  That meeting
with Niall had been almost a fight to the finish, a lot of angry words
spoken, just as many tears shed, but in the end Starbuck got through to
his son, and as they grew, he also was able to forge a relationship with
Colin and Triona.  They were not the relationships that Starbuck hoped
for, but at least there was something there.  Communication. 
     Starbuck felt another factor that helped him at least be able to
talk to his children was the fact that in the end, Cassie did see the
true Kamber, but only after the fleet had discovered Earth.  Only after
the Commander had died, Tigh had followed another path other than being
Commander of the Galactica and leader of the Fleet.  Only after Apollo
had assumed command.  Only after the children had grown and the
relationship between Starbuck and Cassie had been damaged beyond even the
simple binding bonds of friendship, damaged beyond any hope of repair. 
Athena made sure that Starbuck and Cassie talked for the sake of their
children, were able to be civil to each other at family gatherings, but
any love that had been there had died a horrible death through mistakes
too vast to be overcome.  
     Starbuck looked up at the sun streaming through the leaves of the
trees, turning his thoughts to quietly remember all the people he had
lost.  Athena dying so young, so tragically.  Apollo and Sheba, their
deaths sudden, but at least they went together so one did not have to
live without the other.  They would have never made it, one without the
other.  Boomer, not dead, but maybe he should have died with Athena,
since he did nothing except continue to exist, not enjoying life anymore
without the woman he loved.  Jolly, Greenbean, Bojay, Giles and Brie. 
People he had known and cared about in his life, but there was one person
that he remembered with the fondness of a child for his father.  
     Starbuck could still see the man in his mind's eye - as he was when
the young boy met the austere man who he had only seen on the vid, and
was finally meeting in person.  The righteous man who was skeptical of
his oldest son's friendship with the young orphan with no family as well
as no clue as to his background.  The extremely knowledgeable and wise
man who slowly came to see the orphan boy for who and what he really was
behind that persona of carefree indifference, who finally saw what his
wife and children saw in the boy.  The father figure who taught that same
young man what love and respect was; that respect came at a cost, but was
worth more than all the riches you could ever win in any chancery.  That
love was a jewel beyond price and that belonging to someone, to a family
was one of the greatest gifts given to a person.  
     Starbuck looked up at the blueness of the sky through the leaves of
the trees, the lone wispy white cloud reminding him of the whiteness of
the hair of the man who was both father and friend to Starbuck, teacher
and mentor.  Source of wisdom and knowledge.  A man Starbuck held the
utmost love and respect for, that continued to this day, so many yahrens
after his death.  Adama's tolerance of the young boy that Starbuck was at
one time was sorely tested on more than one occasion.  In his mind's eye,
Starbuck could clearly hear the Commander's crystal clear baritone voice
shouting at Apollo about some wild harebrained action that he had pulled
during a mission, then turning onto Starbuck to give him a dose of the
same medicine.  It was not the shouting, or the anger that flashed in his
superior officer's eyes that got to Starbuck.  No, it was his tone of
voice, not the tone of a commander to a subordinate, but the tone of a
father who showed his child love and indulgence even as he shouted at him
for a stupid act.  It continued to be there as the Commander shifted his
attention from his own firstborn son to the young man who had never known
a father's love, who had never known a father's guidance, but it was
something that the boy that Starbuck had once been, had dreamed of every
night of his young life.  
     And dreams do come true, even if it was in the form of his best
friend's father, in the form of a man respected throughout the colonies. 
From a person Starbuck would have never guessed in a thousand yahrens
would have been such an intricate part of his life.  Such a high-born,
respected, learned man.  Adama had been a man who commanded the utmost
respect throughout the colonies by just the mention of his name, or the
power of his presence.  A man who was a member of the Council of Twelve,
the Commander of the flagship of the colonial fleet and the man who had
the ability to care for an orphan, who had been considered a burden on
society and the recipient of scorn from others.  The father who watched
over Starbuck as if he was another one of his children.   
     Starbuck, at first had been surprised that Apollo had hidden the
truth of his father's identity for such a long time in the beginning of
their friendship.  When the truth finally came out as to the identity of
Apollo's father, Starbuck questioned his friend as to the reason for his
omission.  Was he ashamed of his father?  Was there something wrong in
the relationship between Apollo and his high profile parent?  Had his
father abused his friend in some way that Apollo felt afraid of his
father?  Starbuck was curious, but also felt protective towards his
friend, who was such a serious person, sensitive in nature, but at that
age Apollo had not yet learned to hide his emotional sensitivity.  
     It took a long time and many long late night talks for Apollo to
finally come clean.  The youthful Apollo carried a deep love, pride and
admiration for his father and his accomplishments, but the price that was
paid by the Commander and Apollo, also by Athena and Zac for those
accomplishments was high.  Apollo never really spent time he wanted with
his father, his military service kept him away from home for sectars at a
time, sometimes even yahrens.   
     The father and son never had the relationship that Apollo so
desperately desired until Apollo had grown and was newly assigned to the
Galactica, but even then it was a very rocky relationship.  The chip that
had grown over the yahrens on the youthful Apollo's shoulder was the size
of a boulder by the time that Apollo had received his assignment to the
Galactica.  Starbuck had crossed angry words with his friend many times
in the beginning.  Starbuck watched with disbelief at some of his
friend's actions, done deliberately to show Adama along with others under
his father's command that Apollo wanted no special treatment as the
Commander's son.  
     Time had played its cards close but finally time proved to be the
great healer of all wounds.  Slowly the relationship between father and
son reached the level that Apollo had desired throughout his childhood. 
He had his father's trust, respect, and endless love.  Starbuck felt
compassion towards his commander as he watched the man go through the
same routine each time one of his children was assigned to the
battlestar.  Athena had been easier than Apollo in many respects, where
Zac, at times, made the rocky start between Adama and Apollo seem like
child's play.  To Starbuck's relief, everything worked out in the end. 
     But came the annihilation of the colonies, the death of Zac at the
hands of the Cylons, the death of Ila and the destruction of their home. 
The total destruction of the colonies at the hands of the Cylons, who
were assisted by the treachery of one man.  The Galactica survived only
because of Adama's well placed distrust of the Cylons coupled with his
total disbelief in the smooth words of the traitorous Count Baltar.  
Adama took a calculated risk, defied a direct order of the President of
the Council of Twelve and ran a 'mock' battle drill which in actuality
turned out to be as real a battle alert as you could get.  His suspicions
saved those under his command along with the Galactica and his vision
took them away from their burning homes towards a new hope.  Earth.
     Starbuck had listened to the survivors cheer Adama's name as they
began on their journey in haste as to avoid the extermination force that
the Cylons were sure to send in to finish what they had begun.  He had
also heard those same survivors scorn the Commander when things did not
go the way that the people, along with the Council, thought that things
should go.  Starbuck defended his Commander's actions, stood by his
decisions for Starbuck knew that it was Adama's insight and leadership
that had gotten them as far as they had.  He kept them alive with his
cautious approach to situations, his suspicious nature concerning any new
race, any new planet that the fleet came upon, unlike the Council who
welcomed every contact with open arms.  Many times, Starbuck watched the
Commander bail the Council out of decisions made in haste, which they
regretted in the final outcome.
     In the end, Adama had led them to a new home, a new life and
reunited them with their brethren, even though the Colonials found that
they could never make their presence known for the Earth they found was
still too primitive by the Colonials standards.  Like a child, still
growing, changing and discovering.  There were those special individuals
who did know that the Colonials were here, but they were very few and far
between.  People with open minds, open hearts, who came to trust the
strangers from the stars, accepting them for who they were and not as
Earth's overly-imaginative media portrayed visitors from the stars as
aggressive, conquering green skinned aliens.  Although, in reflection of
races that the fleet had encountered, sometimes Starbuck wondered if
those producers and writers in Hollywood would ever really know how close
they actually were to reality with their creations.  Starbuck just smiled
and shook his head gently in an indulgent gesture as he toyed with the
prospect.  
     Starbuck felt a cool nose gently nudge his hand and he reached down
to pet the soft fur atop the golden retriever's head lovingly as he
sighed to himself.  Starbuck could almost hear Adama's voice cautioning
him that reflection on past events could be a double edge sword, but
Starbuck knew that Adama reflected many times on the past.  On past
encounters with the Cylons, past decisions and the price that was
extracted for those decisions, even those made in the heat of battle. 
Reflections of his life with his wife Ila, their courtship, their
marriage, the births of their children and their growing up years, the
regrets that he missed so much of his children's lives because of his
dedication to his people.  The joys that the Commander experienced, even
in light of the loss of his beloved wife, youngest son, and his home.
     Starbuck smiled as he remembered the birth of his own first child,
how Adama's eyes misted over when Starbuck placed the tiny child in his
Commander's arms.  From that moment, a special bond was formed between
Adama and Atrya that no one dared challenge.  It had been the same with
the subsequent births of Starbuck's other children, who had all grown up
calling Adama 'Grandfather' as he proudly claimed each one as his
grandchild, defying anyone to challenge their right to claim Adama's
family line as their own.
      Starbuck had been told the truth about his own father shortly after
sealing with Cassie.  Over time he had even built a pretty good
relationship with the elderly con man, but in Starbuck's heart and mind,
Adama was still the father figure in his life.  Starbuck had even stood
at Adama's bedside beside Apollo and Sheba, Athena and Boomer as the
regal man said his last good-byes and took his final breath.  Stood
there, with unrestrained emotion as they committed the Commander's body
to the vastness of space.  Grieved along with Apollo and Athena at his
passing.  But it was Adama's final gift, final act of fatherly love that
had rendered Starbuck speechless.  
     After the service, Apollo had handed Starbuck papers that the
Commander had drafted and signed, that his children had signed their
agreement to, and was approved by a Colonial Judge.  Those documents gave
Starbuck and his children the legal right to be known as the son and
grandchildren of Adama, entitling them to all legal and moral rights
under Colonial Law.  Adama gave Starbuck what he had desired all of his
life, searched for, even though what Starbuck wanted was right in front
of him all the time.  A family.  A background.  A history.  Not one of
blood, but one of love, and as a wise man once said, bonds of love are
sometimes stronger and more binding that bonds of blood.  Apollo told
Starbuck that his father knew that the bonds that they shared did not
need any legal paperwork, but his father wanted to be assured that
Starbuck, along with his beloved grandchildren were legally taken care
of.  That no one could ever challenge the children's right to call Adama
'Grandfather.' 
     Starbuck pushed back the feelings of sadness coupled with melancholy
at the realization that he was the only one left.  The Commander, Ila,
Apollo, Athena and Zac were gone.  Now only he remained to tell the
children about their family, about their home world.  Damn, he hated
responsibility!!  This should have been Apollo's job.  HE was the
responsible one!   Starbuck grinned at his attempt to lighten his mood as
he gave Explorer a final pat on the head and slowly got up from his
hammock.  He hated old age, because he moved slower than he liked and
experienced aches in his body that had not been there before.  Starbuck
silently wished for his youth, for the voices and presence of his old
friends, but that was a wish that would not come true until his death,
when he would meet up with all his loved ones that had passed before him. 

     Starbuck walked over to the whitewashed wooden fence that kept the
two horses that he owned contained.  Explorer sat down at her master's
feet as Starbuck rested his arms against the warm painted surface,
admiring the view before him.  Snow-capped mountains, the tall grass that
grew in the field before it, with the wild flowers that grew amongst them
flittering gently in the breeze, their swaying almost hypnotic.  He loved
this country as much as he had loved Caprica, but in a way this was
different.  This was his home, one that he created for himself.  Apollo
had called this place "God's Country" and his friend was very accurate. 
Starbuck had been drawn to the high mountains, the tall grasses, the
stark beauty of the countryside, so he bought this place, all 370 acres
for himself.  It was not big by local standards but it was his.
     Lost in his revere, Starbuck did not hear the small red car drive up
and park by the white wooden two-car garage that was set off from the
quaint white frame house.  A young woman got out of the car, her curly
dark blond hair was a reminder of the color of the elderly man's hair in
his youth.  Her crystal blue eyes sparkled with love for the man that
stood at the fence with his faithful companion by his side as she
recognized that faraway look on his face.  She wondered if his mind was
soaring amongst the stars as he once did as a viper pilot, or if he was
remembering his family, her Uncle Apollo, Aunt Sheba, Aunt Athena, or
maybe her beloved Grandfather.  Maybe he was flying another mission to
protect the fleet from the Cylons, exploring another distant planet, or
winning another hand at some chancery.  Was he remembering one of Jolly's
jokes, Greenbean's exaggerated tales of past skirmishes, or one of his
patrols with Uncle Boomer? 
     Atrya wished she knew for sure, but she knew that as soon as she
made her presence known, the expression would change to one of carefree
charm as it always did when someone else was around.  She remembered her
trip through the stars, remembered the carefree charismatic father of her
youth who flew through the stars in a sleek viper.  She remembered his
tales of life in the colonies, adventures with Uncle Apollo and Uncle
Boomer.  She remembered to good times, just as she remembered the bad. 
The divorce of her parents, the remarriage of her mother, the death of
her grandfather, the crash and explosion that killed her beloved Uncle
Apollo and Aunt Sheba, the murder, yes murder of her Aunt Athena.  Atrya
could not see it as anything else.  
     And she could see her father, in his youth, taking her small hand
protectively in his as they walked the long, dimly lit corridors of the
great battlestar that was still vigilantly keeping watch out there.  So
many memories, the good outweighing the bad.  She knew her father missed
so much, but he also knew he had so much still, even though old battle
injuries still made themselves known on his aging body, slowing him down. 
She walked towards her father, hoping to surprise him but was thwarted
when Explorer turned and barked at her in greeting.  Her father turned,
his expression changing just as she had predicted, to one of happiness as
his blue eyes sparkled at the sight of his oldest child.  
     "Baby!"
     "Hi Daddy."  Atrya felt like she was four yahrens old again with her
father's loving greeting.  She walked into his outstretched arms and felt
them close around her.  The strength that she remembered was still there,
just as it was when she was small.  God, how much she loved this man, how
important he was to her life and Atrya's fervent wish was that he really
realized that fact.  
     "So what brings you here to see your old man?"  Starbuck asked as he
stepped back from the embrace, but did not let go of his little girl.  No
matter how old she was, she was still his little girl. 
     "I have to have a reason to come and visit you?"
     "No."  Starbuck replied.  "I was just thinking about you."
     Atrya raised an carefully arched eyebrow at her father.  "Oh,
really?" she asked skeptically.
     Starbuck turned, resting his arm around her waist and guiding her to
the house.  "Yes," he said charmingly.  "I was remembering when you were
born, how beautiful you were and the expression on your grandfather's
face when I placed you in his arms."
     Atrya laughed, as she knew this story by writ and by wrote, but she
still loved hearing it over and over again for her father breathed life
back into her grandfather, aunts and uncles.  The Galactica rumbled under
her feet again, just as it did in her childhood as it traveled through
the stars.  She knew in her mind and heart that was not what he was
remembering when she arrived, but one of these days her father  would
open up to her, tell her about his innermost thoughts, but for now, she
would continue to play this old game with her dad.  She knew her father
well enough from her own experience and advice from her family that she
would have to let him tell her things in his own time, his own way.  
     As Starbuck guided his daughter back to the house, he pushed his
memories back for another day.  The time would come again, very soon,
that he would be able to lie in his hammock, remembering the past and his
loved ones.  Now Atrya was here and Starbuck planned to make the most of
it, keeping his memories tucked away from her and everyone else for
another day.  Some day soon he would sit down with his oldest daughter
and her cousins by Apollo and Athena, with a vid camera in had to record
the day and tell all of them about times gone by.

END (or is it?)